Day 553 – Bernard’s Death and what I supressed, out now

This blog might come as random, maybe it has been in the thoughts of many – so I am just sharing for the sake of sharing and information. 

I have to share the following story which I have been denying and suppressing for a long time, since Bernard Poolmans death back in 2013.

I am writing this to get it out in the open, it isn’t a secret or something to hide or to be shy about. In fact I see it as a strengthening point, a self-empowering point. As I have never shared this with anyone except my partner, but only about 2 months ago, when it came pouring out of me as a long term suppression and a denial. I also resisted looking at this point and admitting that it has in deed affected me, and what we resist persist. So let me begin sharing.

How much I have placed on Bernard, only revealed after his death.

I was eighteen years old when my Father brought me to the Desteni farm to work here and to do Process, due to my parents being long term friends with Bernard Poolman and we/I was familiar with process, and I specifically wanted to come to join and walk my process and be part of changing this world, but first I had to and still have to walk a very long process while bringing solutions to this world (all at the same times) – where Desteni in itself is the solution really.

So at 18 years of age, quite a young age, and I must admit not very mature, even after many years of education in the system, surprisingly no real maturity took place, just ego. (Which I am only now able to see), I came to the farm. BUT, even before I lived on the farm I always saw Bernard throughout my life as a mentor, as someone I really looked up to, I deeply respected Bernard and saw him as my Teacher in everything and anything, from whom I will learn and listen and apply and change and take advise and with whom I could ask anything and share anything and the advice would always be exactly what I needed, not what I wanted per say, but it changed my life, it changed everything about me, the fabric of my beingness changed, my thinking lessened, and my living and doing and common sense expanded, I actually matured. This was all on a personal level and within a personal capacity.

Bernard always had direction, no matter what, Bernard always moved things, he always had a goal and nothing will stop him from reaching that goal, which was clear in each and every breath he took – creating heaven on earth for all living beings, all life. Within This Bernard focused on people, because he truly as himself understood that people are the system, people are the ones that must change, people are the ones that must bring change, and within focusing on people Bernard pushed people into directions for world change, change that would be best for all life, and how he pushed people, how he guided people, how he did those things were amazing, we had so many global points opening up and emerging within a year and a half since the farm started, we had courses, we had interviews/videos/vlogs/articles/blogs, we had new ways for politics and economics, we had set up multiple websites and we were moving like a rocket, we were growing, we were reaching people and we were really getting out there.

At the same time, we had dozens of people from all over the world visiting the farm, we had so much fun and really awesome discussions, we were talking and socializing and we were learning human nature, we were building/gardening and cleaning up, taking care of the land and nature and using our hands and learning to breath and be HERE and support one another, and we were learning a new way of LIFE that is possible for all right here on the Desteni Farm and thus the world if only we dared, Bernard showed so many people what could be possible, what life for all could be, as heaven on earth, obviously after we all worked with each other on points and possessions and limitations and pushing through the matrixes of the mind consciousness system, which isn’t always nice, but afterwards it is, as we walk self-forgiveness and forgiveness.

Things were looking great, even though we had haters/trolls, which are the first signs of success/succeeding – as they say jealousy is nasty, even though some of them were hired to deliberately sabotage us, which showed our effectiveness, fear is always the weapon of mass destruction - divide and conquer. We had system attacks and we walked through those quite nicely, newspapers attacking us, people attacking us, it always felt like the universe being re-aligned, which is what was happening - Obviously with Bernard in the front line.

We were already looking at expanding Desteni, getting bigger facilities and getting more people within the Desteni group to come over and do research and development, to implement systems and to test them out, where we could take the science currently in this world that is bias and actually do the tests ourselves and have unbiased results that is best for all life, where we would test out self-sustainability commuinty living, off the grid for real and real time, where we could take social science and psychology and everything that needs to be researched and to find solutions to, to bring about real actual change in this world – real time after people have walked the courses first, specifically the how’s and whys and where’s etc, but only with Desteni can we find real solutions as it is always done from the starting point of what is best for all life, not about who is right or who is wrong, who can make money and who won’t, we had support and support was coming in/growing (during those times) - and yet again, relying on Bernard.

Bernard’s presence removed fear and always embraced that point of you can believe in yourself, you can do this, confidence, in a much grounded real practical no bullshit way.

For years, Bernard told me over and over, I want you right next to me, not in front of me or behind me, right next to me walking equally, I do not want followers, if you are a follower, then you can go find yourself a positive thinking group or a spiritual group, or a guru, or a religion.
Then Bernard Died.

Desteni is failing, we are not going to make it anymore, everyone is going to scatter, and people will be back on the fence sitting, these were my first thoughts and that continued for a while after Bernard's death, with visitors on the farm and thousands of people out there in the world that was kind of just following Bernard in the back ground (those that never showed their faces or stood with openly), without Bernard it is like losing the head, because the first response of Bernard’s Death was fear instead of walking equally next to him, I admit I was following, yet trying/attempting to walk next to Bernard, but it was so much more convenient to just let someone else do it, to not have to stand as that absolute point without choice, without having excuses and reasons to only do it half way. (obviously over time the opposite of what was happening in my mind took place physically, Desteni is standing strong because of the people that are actually walking their process and standing by principle, which proves what is real over time)

So for the past 2 years since Bernard’s death, there has been an ominous feeling within me, a resonant point of everyone is seeking that confidence, that trust, that drive, the direction and movement that Bernard had, that he created as himself, that push and trusting that push, the common sense and self-honesty, and where one can always see and cross reference within everything Bernard said and do and that is was aligned within what is best for all life, as It always included and considered all life – but it just wasn't there without Bernard. it was US, we all had to find our feet and everything Bernard stood as and did as ourselves.

 Almost 8 years ago, I was asked if I am willing to give up my life for the purpose of bringing forth equality and oneness, this meant committing myself to the Farm/Desteni 100%, and that there will be NO future for me in the system, as this is and will be the only way to push and do what is required to be done to bring forth actual change, as the farm is the central point, the volcano of the Desteni message, The home base for all Destonians that has proven and shown their commitment, to come and to unplug for a while, and to push their process a bit further with each visit, and to take part in all the activities and see what it means to live as a Destonian in each moment, to learn from one another, exchange skills and abilities, to take that back home as a upgrade so to say, or enhance, where questions can be answered and lovely discussions can take place. And obviously where we develop programs/course and do research real time if resources allow us and the websites and the home of the portal, and where most of the support comes form to all the people out there and which is expected to become much more in the near future (2016 onward), this means working with people one on one in chats, their assignments, daily support and assistance (which takes hours) where we in the future with a bigger farm will start, and first of all, be able to do so much more, the more the support is for Desteni, and thus need more people here at home base to do the things. BUt again, we were hopeing Bernard would be here to take care of it all.

So after Bernard gave me the layout of what’s involved within committing myself to living/working and creating on the Desteni farm, and I agreed and committed myself – it was all done within the Idea that Bernard will be here till this is done, till we have created all the amazing and awesome future points that we were busy laying out and developing to change this world, to implement the points, to push the points, to get it done and moving.

Plus, my partner and I were expecting a baby, really planting ourselves into the Desteni farm as a full on commitment and that this will be done, this will work out, there is no failure possible, because we have Bernard, or now it is a “had Bernard”.

So here was (2 years ago after Bernard death) – a child coming, I put my everything in the committing of myself to do this till it is done by giving up all and any possible future in the system, safety/security – as my life literally depends on the self-honesty of others, how they walk their process and of course how the group grows, which is all kind of scary without Bernard. (2 years ago feeling)

So I have seen the death of Bernard as a failure, to an extent I have failed, I didn’t walk one and equal next to Bernard, I was always one foot behind him deliberately, I didn’t give myself that chance, I didn’t stand up from the comfort zone, I didn’t push through my insecurities and my limitations and I allowed thoughts and the mind to be my director, my story writer, while Bernard was here, and for this Bernard had to remove himself to literally live by what he stood as – oneness and equality, always doing what is best for all life, and because most if not everyone was following, he had to remove himself/die – and once Bernard died – I had to step out of all those things I was holding onto and till today I am still pushing through them all and standing, and the commitment never changed. I will stand and do this till it is done, even if I am still figuring things out, I stand by Principle, by what is Bets for all life in all ways . Bernard made it very clear to me, what it will mean to commit myself Full time on the Desteni farm, and I made this decision from within me as myself and I never once blamed Bernard or ever held anything against him. I can only thank him and keep moving forward.

It was like, the Plan died and those that were building and making the plan real in different parts of the same plan was left behind, and now all the parts have to come together and see what was the plan, the big plan that Bernard had, and I am only now realizing that the big plans has always been here, we simply had to stand up and move it as ourselves and to even change and create more ways, which we are obviously doing currently. but I find it supportive to see what I have placed on Bernard and to take it back to myself. to equalize myself and start standing, moving, directing.

 I must however apply self-forgiveness and take back my self-responsibility for all the things I placed on Bernard as what needed and as going to be done, so that I can take full force on what is HERE and push and direct it as myself working with what is HERE and letting go of the past.
Next Up – self forgiveness on ALL the relevant point.

Day 552 - What is real and what is possible? Questioning the so called facts for myself of myself

 The believes we have accepted as facts are the ones that becomes the facts. we fight for them, we reason for them, we make them logical, we create what is HERE and what is possible or impossible in FACTS!! so consider that if we can do that, then we must know anything truly is possible, even if it makes things in fact impossible just because we believe it, live it, breath it - in the beginning was the word and the word was with god and the word became flesh

I am sitting my chair, I have coffee on my table, and I have earphones in my ears listening to some interviews. My son is sleeping on the bed, he woke us up at 4:45am this morning, and we climbed out of bed at 5:15 am, we went to sleep at 1am, so here I am at 9:27Pm at night, a whole day of work behind me, or with me here. I experience my eyes tired and my body feels heavy, yet I am awake, I know most of my tiredness is within the Idea of time and space, what I have gone through today, plus yesterday, and the day before, no rest, not really, I haven’t had a deep sleep in about two years’ time. The tiredness is all in the mind, I just proved it to myself just now, I took one breath and I am here. 

How does that work? Why didn’t I do that earlier? What did I gain from remaining in the mind in a state of tiredness most fo the day, yes I was able to subtly manipulate my reality and have something to say to people every now and then and somehow attach what I say to my physical experience, my body to express what I am saying, to show and live what I am saying, just saying the word Tired and using it I must live it, why else would I use it or say it to someone else? Because I am tired? Or am I tired because I keep thinking it and holding this massive long timeline of my entire life inside me, inside my mind to justify why I am using and thus living the word tiredness. What is the Purpose? If I can simply not be tired yet do everything I do and more, why do I fear that aspect.

Why do I take events/moment and accumulate them into every other single moment? Is it a choice of my body? Or is it the believe that my body functions that way? Who taught me it works that way with my body, I mean I am telling my body or expecting my body to be a certain way after doing things and how long I have done them or what things I am doing, so is it really the experience of my body getting tired, or did I just place that condition. Perhaps to control my reality through limiting my body according to the mind’s desires and wants? To survive and just continue to consume energy internally, limiting the unlimited energy as LIFE to be accessible to express oneself within all possibilities. Yes here I am referring to what your mind do not want to look at or see. Like walking on water, flying even, walking through walls, teleporting, telekinesis, not needing food to live, walking through fire, melting ice by walking bare foot over it, I mean the body is here connected to all as LIFE, as the substance of life, real life energy, and thus the body can change, the body is like water, it manifests and crystallizes as we believe/do – but not as the pre-programmed mind exist currently, the mind is the limitation in itself. There are some people in this world that has accessed some of these abilities; they have done it, like the Ice man guy. Bruce lee went the extra mile, not to mention Jesus or the Masters of the Far East.

What if I had no thoughts and truly lived with and as the body? What will the possibilities be then, what will be real then, and here I am just talking about the natural state of the body, what if I develop my body from this natural state to actually evolve, to create and develop abilities that is Physical and beyond the mind – the mind can only exist inside itself, the physical body can exist here as all that is here in and as the physical, that which is real, thus nothing is impossible – Everything is possible.
I write this to just give myself a moment to consider how far I still have to walk my process and to develop myself in and as the physical and to actually understand the physical, Stars are made from dust, I am made from dust – The universe exist and I am here, why am I limited? Why have I accepted and allowed the impossible to exist within and as me, the disbelieve of the physical and to submit into the Logic and laws of the mind that keeps one enslaved to the mind to only believe the things of the mind, the physical and what is truly possible can only be lived, the mind cannot comprehend.

And Here I am struggling with tiredness at 9:48PM on a Thursday Night, Oh wait, I am not tired anymore, I took one breath and allowed the body to decide, and the body isn’t tired. But my mind wants ITS own time, the mind cannot function as effective and as long as the physical body, it is like a generator, at some point it needs a lot of off time from over working and refilling multiple times a day if used. The mind is Mining the physical, so our bodies has to first go through repair mode, Self-forgiveness as the Delete Button of the Organic robot.

Day 551 - Postponement Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as postponement, within the believe that today isn't the right time, that the right time isn't here, and to within this seeing for the right time, wait till tomorrow, or the day after, and to within this keep on postponing in the hope for the right time to show up, the right moment.

Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing a blog just because it is already a certain time of the day, to late or to early and to within this tell myself that tomorrow I will do two blogs to make up for this, and when tomorrow comes, the same pattern occurs, the same thought, the same reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing vlogs, that I have been jurning to do, waiting for the right time, the right atmosphere, the right light, and to within this make my actions, my participation dependent on the environment and hoping that the environment will magically just fit in with my schedule in my mind, instead of actually scheduling and making the right time, creating the environment through communication, through planning to do the vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications/reasons within my life to why I am postponing certain changes, changes within myself, within the believe that I am not ready yet, I cannot do this yet, I am not capable yet, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I do not deserve this change, mostly the time isn't right, the moment isn't right, I might as well remain the same for just today, tomorrow I will change, seeing and realizing that within this point of postponement there exist no such thing as the right time, moment or place, it is all about me making decisions and living those decision, either bets for myself and all or not, and If I continue to postpone I will continue to remain the same - and there will never be a right moment/time, I will never be ready or be perfect to change, it must be done in the moment here and walk it, regardless of what the mind has to say, remain breathing in and as the physical and use the physical as the real cross reference

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into the mind regarding doing something that is HERE, like doing a blog/vlog, to stop and to breathe, to rather check my reality, ask around if I can do it or set up reality to do it after considering everything, now, check my schedule, and to then base my decision on what is HERE and not within the mind, I create my options, I make my time, I plan things, instead of throwing rocks in the bush thinking something will come out of it.

I commit myself to when and as I see a moment of change, to speak up, to stand, to direct or to intervene, or to be quite, to Stop and breathe, to check myself physically here and what is here, to not go into the mind as the reasons/excuses/justification for why I should or should not and to instead rely on the physical and to direct and move myself as the physical.

Day 550 - The deception within spirit science posts Part 1

This blog is to start showing the deception within spirit science posts and Guidepost of light posts and name them all, you have seen them going around the internet, being shared and liked and easily being agreed to, and what is being promoted, for today’s blog I will take this picture above which says ‘ Sometimes, it feels better not to talk. At all. About anything. To anyone – it uses just the right word, “sometimes” which is already a mind justification, which means a person that see this post on Facebook will probably now trust what Spirit science has posted as true, because they could agree with it according to how they feel/felt, and thus a person that has now agreed to it, will now subconsciously implement such behavior into their life, and it will be implemented in such a way where it fits the persons self-interest best, and not the best interest of all, because no one understand how the mind works, so it’s a big problem to promote “thinking” to the human race while not understanding how thinking works and how people respond to this. 

And then it uses the word “Feels” – to manipulate people to agree, because everyone “feels” and we are subject to words and how they make us feel in moments, so with sometimes and Feel, the post created a feeling within the viewer, and thus making the viewer believe it is their choice to agree to this post, avoiding common sense and self-honesty completely, the post give NO point of understanding, which shows it is literally feeding of the viewer’s emotional body as the mind consciousness systems – but what the person agrees to comes after the feeling has already been created, and that is – not to talk. At all. About anything. To anyone – thus a point of separation, distancing from others have been created, which is a good point in the minds of people, because we have such conflictual relationships with ourselves and thus communicating with others it isn’t the best thing most of the time, it is better to avoid and to remain the same, to not face reality and most of all the reality of ourselves, thus actually prolonging this process of changing the world, starting with ourselves.

And the fact that this post is so short and yet so effective is because it is running on opinions, believes and ideas, and not based on actual common sense, which again shows how easy it is to catch people in the web of CONsciousness and to keep them where they are, making something sound good is a bonus.

Why does such a simple and short saying with a picture get almost 7000 likes and about 21 500 shares?

Because it confirms one thing, it is in support of the mind, there is NO common sense presented and NO self-honesty within such a saying, it is feeding off how people are “feeling” and thus only confirming such feelings to be valid, thus leaving people to be slaves to how they feel, as a creation of the mind consciousness system. No self-movement, no principles that one stand by and that one base decisions and actions upon, just moods and feelings/emotions that is being validated and lived by.

Let me go a bit deeper – for those that are walking with Desteni you will understand what I am saying, for those that are not, here is a bit more perspective and common sense and to be Honest with oneself, which means, when we experience something and we express that experience, that feeling/emotion or thought, we are being honest. Self-honesty is to be aware of self as the Universe as LIFE here, considering all life, and thus within this point realize that one is in fact one and equal to all life and thus responsible in fact for what exist here as life currently as OUR creation, and that thoughts/feelings and emotions aren’t who we really are, because, where do they come from? And that the world as it exist now is a direct result of who we are right now, existing as consciousness, as thoughts, feelings and emotions – and thus the problem is what we each individually exist as right now, which is consciousness and thus the thoughts, feelings and emotions are the problem, because we are following these things inside of us with NO understanding or clue where they come from, how they are created and why, and we have NO clue what the consequences will be in the long run in all possible play outs through simply following what we experience within us as thoughts/feelings and emotions.

So if one gets that, then it should be clear why spirit science isn’t presenting any common sense or self-honesty, it is simply stimulating consciousness, it is propelling consciousness as thoughts/feelings and emotions, keeping people right where they are and not promoting actual change. And how do you know it isn’t promoting a solution, because it sounds dame good, in a world that is fucked up, in a world that is dying, it isn’t showing the truth, it isn’t revealing reality as it is right now for earth as a whole, it is targeting the elite of the world, those that can agree with them without having to do any effort, it is a convenient truth, which shows it’s a problem already.

The world needs a reality check, the world needs common sense, self-honesty and people that walk by principles that is best for all life, the world needs people that are putting effort into questioning everything and keeping what is Best for all LIFE and standing by that, people with integrity and determination to change themselves first and the world, people that are daily in each breath focusing on educating themselves and learning how the mind works, how is it that we are ticking the way we are, and to change that, to stop the organic robot and rebirth self as LIFE, the earth needs humans that put aside time every day to speak and write and to stand together with all those that is doing the same, with these people coming together as normal citizens and rising above and about for LIFE, creating a world that is best for all, not people just liking and sharing positive messages and sounding positive, how is that helping anyone when the reality of what is here is ignored through good sounding post/blogs/videos.

This group already exist, it is Detseni and I am a Destonian, Join us and walk the truth of what is HERE, that which has been denial for far too long and time is running out.

Day 549 – Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the Mother construct within me as me being a child that belongs to another person, seeing and realizing that this mother construct within me and wanting to hold onto the idea that I belong to another person is keeping me form being my own person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother is more special than any other mothers in this world, and thus within this believe praise my mother and make me “special” and more than other children, creating and continuing the inequality within this world as ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mother construct within me as I fear that I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that I cannot possibly lose my mother unless I have self-interest points invested within her that only serves me and my will as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the love a mother and a child proclaim for one another ha got nothing to do with one another within this world as it is purely self-interest driven for survival and money in a world where fear drives everything, and as one can see within placing oneself within a perfect world where all is equally taken care of and has a guaranteed life of dignity on this planet that mothers and fathers and children will suddenly have no worries of fears of letting go of each other and living their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within making myself believe that a mothers love for a child has to be an emotional one, where the mother and child can manipulate each other and make sure each one is surviving in this world by leaching off one another, through using a secret system of debt, where the mother gave everything and now later on the child owns the mother everything, seeing and realizing that such emotional relationships is a disease of the current world system that forces people to be leaches for the sake of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my mother in her innocence in the sense that this world makes no sense and to within such a world create relationships of nonsense that isn’t best for all in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to take on and stand within this world that I require to keep such relationships on the emotional level with my parents for the sake of a safety net, seeing and realizing that keeping such a safety net is simply holding me back as there is a back door, knowing that if I keep an emotional relationship with my mother that she will still benefit from me as being her son as I am feeding her some sort of energy and thus she will at any time catch me when I fall, thus already creating the fall, yet seeing and realizing that a clear physical communication relationship within common sense can be established and kept, as such a relationship will be equal and one to all other relationships that is best for all life, and to stop the mind games once and for all and for each one to face themselves sooner than later till it is too late and we have sucked the life out of life and no one stood up for life as reality was/is still being kept in a veil for survival.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the facts/truth of what is here, we all die and after death no one is someone’s family or friends and that we are all one and equal and thus must already be walked this life and to not have to face the shame and regret in the afterlife for only protecting and keeping save one’s own “blood” and disregarding all other life as your entire family, on your home planet called earth, just for some emotional relationships that is kept in place for self-interest and to survive till death.

Day 548 – Shaving my Head Bald, and what changed – Self Honesty

Yesterday I shaved ALL my hair off once again, plus putting a razor to my head so that it is smooth and shiny. My head is still very white and has to adapt to the rest of my bodies skin tone, so it looks a bit funny at first, like it really is sticking out. 

I sat in the bathroom in front of a mirror on a chair with the hair clippers in my hand, I was a bit nervous doing it, But I made a decision and I followed through, I turned the shaver on and started buzzing all my hair off, then I cleaned up and went to the sink to start and now really getting all my hair off with the raiser, this was fun.

 When I started shaving I could feel a sense of comfort within myself after the initial nervousness, and I got really relaxed within doing so, as I have returned to some part of myself that I have been suppressing or hiding from the world.

This I found quit interesting, because I used to be bald for a long time before, for at least 5 years or so, but I started growing my hair back about a year and a half ago when I started a new business venture. Initially I was bald starting this business venture and I did this for about 6 months, I was extremely comfortable with myself, and what was more fascinating was that everyone noticed me and remembered me and enjoyed me being bald, may it be business people or just normal people from all walks of life, BUT kids found me most fascinating and always wanted to touch my head and feel it, because they do not usually see a guy that is bald.

The whole reason for me being bald previously was because of a stance I made, a decision I made and where shaving my hair and keeping it shaved was for LIFE, a commitment to life, to when I always shave my hair there is this deep connection I have formed, like a reminder of why I am here, what I am doing and that I will do this till it is done, to walk my process and to change myself and rebirth myself as life and to within this process accumulate global change with everyone else that takes on this active journey together one and equal.

So now, back then when I was fist bald, I really got used to it and it was way more practical for daily living and just better I have found, which I enjoyed a lot, but there was now dozens of other people around the world with Desteni that has made the same stance and commitment within shaving their hair, some only did it to get over it and face some real deep shit attached to hair, which can be social, family, society I mean hair goes deep within what the human has made out of it, mostly sexuality, and with me starting a business the fear arise within others in my environment (that wasn’t part of Desteni) that me being bald and the reason for it might affect business and what I do.

So I made the decision to grow my hair back and to see if having hair makes a difference, but this decision didn’t compromise my commitment or stance at all. I remained the same. So after 6 months of doing business bald and then a year and a half of doing business with hair, I have found that there was absolutely no difference for me. Because I didn’t change, it was always about whom I am and thus what I do and how I express myself. Even if people did find it interesting or different at first, it was actually an amazing connection point I have found within Business, because NO one forgets me, no one confuses me, and everyone can recognize me from afar, this changed as soon as I grew hair, people found it difficult to make that initial connection and remember me, but I kept going with it, trying to “fit” into the system more, and in fact I fit in so much that I just became one of the system people again.

So, while I was Bald and had a shaved head, people always asked me why are you bald, and I would answer them, saying that I do this as a commitment to self-change and changing the world, plus it is way more practical, and guess what, people LOVE to see other people that is committed and to what lengths one is willing to go to live for something, it shows a certain “character” that isn’t seen much in this world.

Here I am, bald again – I tested out both side of the same coin for myself, I have realized it is always about who I am and how I define and stand within points/challenges – and that people’s reactions is always one and equal to the stance that I have within me as who I am, if I am insecure or feel there is something to hide or to not get people’s attention to something that I have judged as Bad, then that is exactly what people will do, If I see myself standing in a group that is global and having a shaved head with dozens of others for the same principle as bad, or cultist, guess what, that is what it becomes and shows me that I am not clear within myself and that I haven absolutely taken a stance. This is the principle of the universe, oneness and equality, and this isn’t about image and looks, that’s not what the universe stand one and equal to, but with the substance of everything here and how we are using/directing the substance as ourselves within ourselves.

This is my experience within the point, I have tested all things within this point and keeping what is best for all life, including myself to be at my utmost potential.

This was an interesting test for myself to see and realize I am the source, the master, the creator and as long as I give the system power over me, then that is what I will create and manifest (bad things), if I accept and allow the system to over throw my stance within who I am as standing as Life as what is best for all, even in the slightest reason/justification and not standing, then the system continues, I cannot con the system as long as I am conning myself, deceiving myself, living in perceptions and ideas of society.

Self-Honesty

If you can be bald and make/create it to affect your reality in a way that is best for all, Do so, take the stance, go baldly where no one has gone before. It is what I/you make of it - but be self-honest about your decision, which one ever it is.

Side note: All the women and men in the world should go bald – this way we can really get men and women on a “equal” eye view, wouldn’t that be interesting, how will men change towards women and women toward men? By removing a major part of the image for real, of the mind, and lets deal with each other as BEINGS, not things – and of course dress the same (most practical clothing for both human forms that is the same). Real empowerment. Love the person for who they are and not how they look, putting that saying into practical living application globally.

Day 547 – Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite, Self- Forgiveness

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having ever really finished something that I started doing and to always somewhere along the line either stop or just let it fade away into nothingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the experience of guilt due to how old I am now and how much I could have accomplished throughout my life if only I ever finished something I started and to within this have this wondering emotional body of what could have been if only I didn’t quit or stop or just let something fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this regret of not finishing something throughout my life build up anxiety and fear within me within what I am doing now, as I have over time only proven to myself that I cannot finish something that is long term and thus I haven’t yet established real dependent commitment within myself of myself as who I am within what I am doing as the starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for how I have taken on only her patterns and way of living and doing things, never going in fullheartedly and giving it my all no matter how long it takes and to push to the end till it is done, and to not do anything for energy as time has proven to me that energy as emotions/feelings/thoughts isn’t sustainable and thus cannot function within the physical reality and how things actually work within space and time and thus the process of manifestation/creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother for making me her favorite son and that I was placed under that pressure of having to always keep my mother happy and thus my focus became my mother and short term goals/achievement that always only kept my mother happy, seeing and realizing that this is me victimizing myself and blaming my mother as placing the responsibility onto her for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me accepting and allowing myself to take on that role as her son and to always wanting to please her, thus seeing and realizing my participation/creation within this role, where I also played a self-interest game of always getting my way to feel good and to manipulate and take chances/advantage of my position as being the favorite child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as much as my mother enjoyed me taking on the role of always pleasing her and being her favorite I also enjoyed it equally because I played the role and thus no one is to blame, and thus this means I must stand up from this design within me and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how not only did my mother place a certain role I must play over me and me accepting and allowing that, but how through me taking on that role I placed my mother within a certain role, where she had to always not seem or be happy, where my mother didn’t have to take self-responsibility for her own happiness/joy and thus we became dependent on each others characters to keep the show going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always do things in my live whereas the end result must be me pleasing my mother, making her happy, seeing and realizing that even after many years of not being home or in my mother’s presence there is still a resonant point within me where I hope that what I am doing is making my mother happy and proud and that no matter what I do will show my mother what I did and that she will smile and say I am happy my child, thus seeing and realizing that within this resonant point within me and my life I can never truly do anything for myself and to truly take self-responsibility as everything I do then will inherent this pattern that I have developed with my mother of not finishing something and only doing things to achieve a momentary feeling of achieving/completing/creating something but was only a milestone, not the end and run with that to my mother to show her she can be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the internal relationship I have created towards my mother within and as the fear of losing my mother and thus losing a part of me, seeing and realizing that my mother is her own person and that she has given me many many years of her life, as it was her responsibility as she brought me into this world and thus wasn’t a favor, it was her responsibility and thus also not something I own her, as I am grateful, but I am not in debt to her for doing so, that’s not how life is supposed to work otherwise we will always exist in debt on a personal level and a global level as the money system based on some fairness logic that does not exist and thus no one will ever get on with their lives and LIVE, yet she has her own life to continue living after me and to keep such a relationship within me and to sustain such a relationship toward my mother on a resonant level only keep us enslaved to this pattern of never truly living our own lives but keep waiting on each other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly let go of my mother as the energetic relationship that I have built with her over many years and that I haven’t given to myself MY life to live and to freely make choices that are truly my own and not based in bias where the bias is to secretly make my mother happy and to not disappoint her, and to truly develop myself for myself to be my utmost potential and do things that is in alignment with what makes my mother happy but to do things that I actually have genuine interest in, such as changing this god for saken world and do whatever it takes no matter if that makes my mother happy or not with what I must do, such as going against social conformity and brainwashing and calling out the bullshit in religion and not being the son she wants to to be just to keep her happy, but to free myself and her from this lifelong energetic bondage that is simply not serving either one, YET have a relationship with my mother is based on respect/honor and care/love based on the common ground of how all humans must be towards one another.

To be continued.

Day 546 - Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite

All throughout my life, or as far as I can remember, I never really “finished” something that I started, thus I never actually build a skill, I never really specialized in anything, I would always stop, or what I was busy with/doing would simply start fading away and I would just not be doing it anymore. This has been a pattern that I can see I have created and trapped myself within for a very long time and it is one of my most difficult patterns to work through. Because I developed a character that always starts something with a good and positive energy, even if this energy isn’t visible as in me looking exciting and all jumping around, but within myself there is this positive energy, where I have convinced myself and where I have within myself made a decision to do this, that I am going to not quit and finish this. So it has become quite a tricky pattern I have set up for myself to trap myself, because even within walking my process I seem to have simply modified and changed a few things here and there to make It “look” like I am starting something and finishing something, I am here referring to long term things.

Where did I develop this pattern and why? When I look at my childhood years and as I grew up, I didn’t necessarily have this pattern within me that I was living out back then, but something throughout my early years did give me this influence, impression on how to take things on – so here I am investigating my mother, because I see and saw that she had this exact same pattern, My mother was amazing at doing short term things like cleaning the house and doing all the quick odds things, which surprisingly I am as well, But she never did anything that was long term, so here I didn’t per say see my mother (the most influential person in my life back then) NOT finishing what she started, I just didn’t see her do anything that is long term, only short term things, thus My father who was the one doing the long term living such as working day in and out providing for us, was unseen, I was unable to learn that part from him, so I copied my mother’s short term living, where I always want satisfaction after each thing I do, preferable the same day or week.

And let me be clear, I didn’t even finish any PC games or PS2 games; I played them for temporary satisfaction, but never got the end, so this pattern wasn’t developed just in relation to doing “hard work” but also in relation to play and fun, anything that took time and patience, breathing, physical application, one plus one accumulating and end result.

But why did I take on this pattern from observing my mother but for example my older brother didn’t to my extent, neither did my younger brother? Well this is the cold hard truth of family dynamics and what takes place within families, that as the middle child or three boys, I was Favorited by my mother and I knew this, and thus I wanted to copy and be just like my mother, this in a way gave my brother space to NOT be influenced by my mother as much as I was, so they had space to find different role models, or develop more of an independent view of reality and what they want to do.

My focus was on being my mother’s son, which meant I had to copy her in ways that would make me more like her, thus being her favorite even more, I never considered ANY of the physical and developmental consequences that would manifest within myself and thus my life through these actions, because as a child I was totally free from the responsibilities of what exist outside of school and home and those kind of long term responsibilities weren’t really placed within me through education or anyone to really understand where my focus should be in developing myself, thus I did focus all my time and energy and development on “energy, feelings, emotions, highs and lows” and develop myself in an energetic way that fit my current childhood years and to survive at home and school, but once I had to go out into the world, what happened? My mother was removed from the equation and I was left with myself with all these behaviors and patterns that had No use in the long run, and did not support me constructively to develop and enhance myself effectively to be my utmost potential.

So I became a Jack of many/all trades, I have many skills, but they all end at some point, I am great at my short term skills, in fact amazing, but pushing them into a long term point and it becomes a problem, because energy only stretches so far.
To be continued with Self Forgiveness

What does Christmas mean to me as a Destonian - Day 545

To most people in the world Christmas is a day or a couple of days of celebrating the Birth of Jesus, or just for Santa Clause, or just for festive seasons, where families come together and they present presents to one another to open up and feel blessed – months before Christmas, all the people in the world with money went out and spend a lot of their money on these presents, and decorations and so much more to express themselves and how blessed they feel, or are, towards the people in their lives, but of course in the name of Jesus, or Santa Clause or just for a Because reason.

So Christmas to most people in the world is a fantastic time, it offers some time off from the system, the system that we are enslaved to, where our money is always tight, or we have money but no time to spend it, and of course it offers time to have fun, to be with our families and to just have what we actually desire the world to be, a fun place, because fun is kind of deprived from everything else from the rest of the year, people take this advantage to just let it all out, to go wild, to go nuts, to indulge in the festive seasons and to enjoy being distracted from the system that is keeping us so tight all the time.

We can say that Christmas and the participation in the whole Christmas thing and how people take it on and participate within it is evidence that most of humanity do not really enjoy the current system we are all accepting and allowing to live in, because of the extreme way that people participate within it – but that is the whole point of events like Christmas as designed by the system, to give people that release of all the stress and anxiety and fears and everything that the system is a cause and effect of, so that the people can continue next year, the following year the same way as before and just keep it going.

So Christmas isn’t Bad or Good from a Destonians stance, as a Destonian we make sure we do not create any illusions about the event and to be controlled and enslaved by such events to just continue the following year the same way, to just remain in the illusion that there is apparently “good” in life just because, look Christmas is ahead, or Easter, or Halloween, to not justify LIFE as it is here in fact, in the day to day living of life within all walks of life, which is mostly bad all the time, such as poverty does not end due to Christmas, nor war or famine, or droughts and environmental disasters caused by the humans industrial systems that isn’t in harmony with life as nature and the animals.

Because in the current system as it exist, even Destonians are still here and part of this world till we have multiplied and changed things, we take part in Christmas from a practical perspective, it is time off, it is time to have with the kids and family and to have a few days to slow down and reevaluate and to realign directions and priorities, and to perhaps speak with family members about the state of the world and getting some common sense and common ground between one another. We see Christmas within what is here currently as the world as an opportunity to drive and stand and do what is best for all life, to not fall for the “illusions” of everything is okay, and happy, and that it is going to be this way forever, but instead to strengthen the physical relationships and bring them all back to reality through coming together, through talking, to sharing and so on.

As Destonians we change Who we are within it all, and thus who we are determines what we do, standing in others shoes, caring and sharing the real things, because if Christmas was all about Jesus as it started out as in the beginning, then we can all ask what would Jesus have done? He would definitely not have celebrated his own birth, he would have condemned us all for even living in a capitalist system, never mind allowing children to die of starvation, Jesus would have probably grabbed a whip and beat the shit out of everyone and throw tables over and smite us down. I mean just look at the whole Santa Clause symbolism in the words that was created for Christmas, it is Satan Claws, to obvious. The opposite of what Jesus would have done, Satan’s got his claws in us all, trapping us from actually living as Jesus did, indulging in capitalism in Jesus name, how sick is that, it is dishonoring Jesus and his message and what he lived. Destonians will not do this because that is still also just form an assumption, plus we do not live in the same time as what Jesus lived, but do onto another as you would like to be done onto refers to the world as a whole, love thy neighbor as thy self refers to the world, give as you would like to receive refers to the world, we have taken it to only our own families, Jesus said to follow him you must leave your family behind, as that is the only way, now not literally, but inside yourself the world MUST be your family in fact.

So Christmas to me as a Destonian does not “mean” anything in terms of a feeling/emotions or self-definition, or about some religion or buying presents and spending money, or a release, or to escape the system, it is a day of the year, or a season/holiday that by the system has been placed as “not having to work” and thus you have off time, and we use this off time to practically and physically participate in our reality, because we realize not everyone is a Destonian Yet, most people around us is still in the system and of the system and thus we must walk one and equal with what is here, but who we are within it all is where the change starts, we can enjoy this time, we will have fun in this time, because it is so nice when humans do come together and actually interact and learn and share one another, which does not and cannot be possible in a system that drives us to only die after only surviving and keeping us far apart from each other.

Over all, Christmas is Bullshit, and we must create a world that is Best for all, and thus a Christmas will not be necessary, as giving as you would like to receive will be a consistent way of life, every day will be a present, everyone will be your family, love and care will be visible in our daily living as a whole.

As a side note: Before I stood as a Destonian, me and my family gave up Christmas and haven’t had any Christmas for the past 10 years almost, but instead we all just come together and are together, no presents, no decorations, nothing. And this in itself is and can be fun.

Day 445 – I just cannot change, Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and breathe the believe that I just can not change, instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a believe and not real in fact, and that the only way I can see for real and in fact if I can change is to for real and in fact change in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the excuse of “I just cannot change” is exactly that, an excuse backed up by a secret desire to not wanting to change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to change as I am holding onto secret wants/desires that is of the mind that I do not want to give up, where I know that if I actually take the first step that these secret mind wants/desires cannot exist as the changed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set in stone the believe of” I cannot change” without ever testing out if I can change for real through actual practical real change within my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change as I want to “remember” ME, as I have identified myself as memories and thus do not see a real me that does not exist as memories existing outside of the real of the mind as memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions, thus fearing the unknown, knowing that if I take the steps to real change into the unknown that I will change, thus the unknown isn’t that unknown, as it is known that one will change and not be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the me that I know as the mind within attempting to change who I am as that which is LIFE as the universe as me in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I change, yet not considering that I change myself within the principles of what is best for all life, as that which is one and equal within and as the universal principles of how everything work and thus taking my status as a co-creator, and thus I know the change will be what is best for all life as long as I cross reference myself in the physical and not through the mind to see my living and not my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who and how I will be without thought, where thoughts have been my god within my mind guiding me all my life, since I could remember, showing that before I could remember I was functioning perfectly well without thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I now exist as the mind and as a physical consequence within my behaviors and patterns has become a comfort for me within my life and thus even though I am pushing to change a part of me does not want to change as that part is of the mind and wants to remain in comfort, no matter how abusive or against me these patterns and behaviors are, as they support the mind as energy which is like a drug addict that can’t quit, thus I am stuck in the addiction of the mind patterns that is controlling my life and within this believe that I am unable to change, yet not realizing that just like a drug addict I must take a physical step in change and that it will not be what I want yet it will be best for me and everyone else.

Day 544 – the fake Free Mind, reactive mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by events within my reality, instead of directing myself within the events that occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards a person suddenly asking me to help them with doing something, and to within this sudden moment find myself within my mind where I am wanting to say NO, because I believe I have limited time right in that moment as I have to get to do something else in that moment, YET when I look within my mind at what this something else is I have to get to doing, I cannot think of it, and thus I say YES to helping the person, and then after helping the person I find that I missed getting to a certain responsibility and to within this place the blame onto the other person, where I see within the “sudden” moment being asked for help, I should have slowed down and before saying yes out of being polite, I find out first what is in my schedule and to within this make a decision that is best for myself and the other person, such as helping them in the moment of making a time to help them out later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from responsibilities/commitments through living in a state of kind where I am “always available” as to be a good person, yet within this I am not being good to myself within developing trust and consistency within myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that by being “good” to others wherein I compromise myself I create blame towards everyone in my reality and thus later on develop self-hatred, as the self-hatred comes from me not honoring myself and taking care of myself and to rush into the mind as energy within moment of doing things, instead of slowing down and assessing within practicality and self-honestly the moment within ALL of my day that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear directing my day within things that I need to get done and do as I fear I will let others down who might have needed me or appreciated me helping them out, but instead I am helping myself, seeing and realizing that I have judged helping myself as a bad things, as being self-fish, yet the evidence is clear within the physical that if I do not help myself and take care of myself that in the long run what I do isn’t sustainable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-honest self-movement commitments/responsibly that is outside of the normal things of doing which is usually for “survival” and that is for world change through living in a state of mind during my day where I just react to my reality within doing things to be a “good “person for others just to feel good for a moment, seeing and realizing that if I remove the reactive state of mind within how I respond to people and my environment, then I can slow down and breathe and prioritize what I need to do and check myself self-honestly, if I have time to now or later to help someone and to first get that what I have to move and direct and to then make time to help the other person, thus removing the mind driven reactive moment and grounding it with slowing down and first checking, being okay with checking – unless it is an emergency moment, then I simply respond.

Thus where does it come from – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make changing the world within my personal capacity and within my expression at a global level through vlogging, blogging, socializing, writing, commenting, sharing, creating content, researching, educating, developing and more, as less important than the systematized enslavement designs that is in place and to within this always prioritize only what secures my survival and making that “important”, which means working daily for money and then in my free time do nothing to much but just enough to be “good”, and to within this create the state of a “free mind” that knows it should be doing other things that isn’t pre-programmed but can only happen through self-movement and giving time and direction to CREATE it but isn’t a MUST in my mind as there is still “choice” and to within this easily compromise myself through just reacting to my environment that works as a distraction from what needs to be done and placed into this world as a correction.

Day 542 – Money relationship, Life relationship Part 1

Do you remember when you were small, like really small and young, before you knew anything about money, before you even knew that money played a part in your LIFE, in your expression, in what you can and cannot do?

I do, I remember when I was small and young and I could just play my days away, explore my home and the garden, make friends and play with friends, where I could just sit in my room for hours doing my own thing – I remember when I could just pack a back pack full of toys or things and pretend that I am going on a journey through our garden.

Not everyone had the same childhood experiences of course, I also had the bad moments, those moments where I got yelled at or spanked for doing something I wasn’t supposed to do or that was wrong., and where me and my siblings would fight and not get along, or with friends, or any other form of conflict that could possibly have taken place, and of course in some families far worse.

The point I am bring in here is, can you really remember those moments of when you were young and small, where you were along with yourself and your mind was still quit empty, not as much BS as there is now, where you could still be in touch with you when you are with yourself, in your moment, I would like you to find those moments or even just one moment if you can, those moments where you are you regardless of who is around you or your circumstances, if you had money or not.

Because at some point in all our lives, when we were young and small, we weren’t aware that MONEY was a factor in our lives, we weren’t aware that money deiced anything and everything of our environments and how the adults are around us, and yet in this point of innocence we were still HERE, we were still ourselves as an expression.

So find that moment in your life before you had any relationship with money, and see who you were, now look at who you are and how your entire life, every action is based on money and around money and for money or in fear of no money.

Bring back that self, that child that can be here, stand as LIFE as an expression of LIFE regardless of what ones current money situation is, do not live for money, live with money, change the relationship where money is just a tool, like a hammer, yes it can do a LOT more than a hammer, it can make sure hammers are being build, but I am simply using the hammer example as a reference to what money and our relationship toward it must be, once we see money as a tool, we will much more easily deal with money, and who we are as our expression as LIFE isn’t dependent on money and how we feel or what we do as who we are, sure money can limit what we physically can do OUT there, but we are always with ourselves here and money cannot decide that relationship. even if a bag of a billion dollars falls from the sky, who you are must not change.

Just as a side note - do not misinterpret this blog, this is about my/our relationshop towards money within us that needs to be first cleared, money on the outside world as it currently exists, control every aspect of our lives and what is happening on this planet, and we can only stand in absolute clarity within changing this world with money and what we have if we stand no matter what within ourselves in clarity as WHO we are and all our relationships towards money and how we have defined ourselves as money and with money and stop that, and thus also laying out the solutions needed in this world more clearly and how to stand as examples for those that takes this path now.

In a follow up blog, I am exploring my own relationship towards money and my relationship with myself as LIFE and doing so within self-forgiveness, the above blog is simply a realization and insight I have placed for myself.

Day 541 – Investigating Ego Part 1

I was once told by an old school friend, Gian, You have a big ego, while this person wasn’t looking at me with a smiley face, it was more of a concerned and disgust face, but in micro expressions almost, because it was a friend and the friend didn’t want to “insult” me, so to say. 

So my first impression was, EGO means, when someone thinks a lot of or about themselves, as in general, everyone thinks about themselves and only themselves, but if you have an ego, then you think a LOT about or of yourself.

After this friend said those words to me, I was a bit angry, because I could not properly distinguish between him and me and why only I have a BIG ego, the main reason for my anger was, because I did not actually understand the word ego, I assumed what ego means due to the moment we had, I was talking about girls and parties and so on, which included me a lot, and my friend was talking about girls differently, he was more the romantic type, and I was more the player type as I can recall, so my way of talking about “girl’s” was insulting to him in a way, and thus he reacted and said to me I have a Big ego, basically only thinking about myself.

After this interaction, I walked away and I was now concerned about this ego thing, in fact I didn’t know how personal I took it till later on the same day, I was thinking about this ego thing so much that I built up more and more anger towards my friend saying I have a big ego, my back chat started running where I would think things like, “how can you say I am only thinking about myself, any guy in this world wants sex and no matter how you play the game it Is ALL about yourself, the male, the sex, I simply approached it less intimately and more in a cold way, so the separation part is easier for both.

I basically reacted to my friend saying what he is doing is all about the “girl” yet he knows as a guy as ME that it is never about the girl, the girl has what the man wants, simple.

So I created a grudge towards this friend, but secretly, in fact I made it my goal to PROOF to this friend that what he is doing as a “romantic guy” that his way is still JUST a game and nothing different from mine, and thus also EGO because it is only about HIM and HIS wants/desires.

As the days in school went by, I obviously interacted with this friend normally, but whenever I got the opportunity, I would say things to him to “test” his mind and where it is, very subtly, I will say things that only me “type” and ego will like, and not his romantic type, but I said the things I did in such a clever way that I could show him that he is no different.

For example, I would go sit next to this friend that has now labeled me as a BIG EGO guy because I talk about women as sex objects, where he does not do those things because he is so much better and mature and apparently has a deeper connection and understand women more and knows it isn’t all about sex and blab bla bla (the mind of a sixteen year old) and I would just sit there, quite next to him, and then I would ask him simple questions, like – what girl do you like? And he would say, no one at the moment, and then I would look at a girl that is walking around on the school grounds that is judged as not so pretty and outcast, and I would point and ask him, do you like that girl? And there, on his face, a face of disgust, the frown, and he would then look at me and say, Gian, why are you asking me this, and I would say, I am just checking if you as a “romantic guy” that do not see girls as just sex objects but that there is more and something emotional apply his rules to any women, or only pretty women, he reacted, stood up and walked away.

See, my point was, I wanted to proof to him that he is full of bullshit and just EGO as well, no matter how pretty he painted the picture in his mind, because if it is about beauty, and that you can only be a romantic to someone that is seen as a “sex symbol” – well, then you are only thinking about yourself and or of yourself in the whole picture, no different than me, I just did it openly.
The story of Ego to be continued.

Day 539 - opening up points of fear and regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR letting go of the fears within me that I have used to define me and to thus guide me and control me and keeping me enslaved to patterns and behaviors that I believe is best for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the consistent fear of not having money and security within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the consistent fear of being all alone in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of what others might do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of what this money driven system can do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of being harmed by other humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of not having a roof over my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of living the same way as billions of others do in this world, in poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of losing what I hold dear through changing or through circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my time and the time that I have within this world and not using it to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the fear of being seen and actually being different from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself and what that might mean, which is unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be trapped in this world system and not be able to change a thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world coming to an end as an actual desire that I had as a kid, just ending everything, and now seeing this desire was actually a denial of a fear within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear JUST doing what I see I need to do in moments and to push myself beyond my fear in any moment to do what is required to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things out of fear and to within this do things out of fear anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fears and deny my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this reality and the cruelty that exist within it, from the system to the human that created it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually take that step to truly change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what that actual first step is to actually change and to take a stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself to the service of life absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if the world/my life changes that I will face myself as who I am and what I could have done to bring change to this world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that at the end of my life that I will face myself as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me facing my self-dishonesty at death as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live as, as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as consequences that isn’t best for all life and that knowing that who I am currently isn’t yet standing as LIFE and thus I know where I must move my ass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already live in regret and to fear that because of this regret I will not be able to ever actually change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my past as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to define myself as and to within this fear that I will just die as a past and not as LIFE that is standing in absolute self-honesty and that I everything in my power to change this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking crazy within me expressing myself to bring change to this world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying and speaking the common sense and the self-honesty that is required to be spoken to penetrate this reality and to bring change, starting with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get rid of my past as a current definition of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the truth about me into the core of who I am and to stand up from that and to see what is HERE for real as LIFE, where nothing is painted in thoughts/emotions/feelings to be something else, and to fear what I might see as OUR creation that is here of abuse and absolute dishonor to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the dishonor that I have existed as and still do to some extent towards LIFE.