Day 541 – Investigating Ego Part 1

I was once told by an old school friend, Gian, You have a big ego, while this person wasn’t looking at me with a smiley face, it was more of a concerned and disgust face, but in micro expressions almost, because it was a friend and the friend didn’t want to “insult” me, so to say. 

So my first impression was, EGO means, when someone thinks a lot of or about themselves, as in general, everyone thinks about themselves and only themselves, but if you have an ego, then you think a LOT about or of yourself.

After this friend said those words to me, I was a bit angry, because I could not properly distinguish between him and me and why only I have a BIG ego, the main reason for my anger was, because I did not actually understand the word ego, I assumed what ego means due to the moment we had, I was talking about girls and parties and so on, which included me a lot, and my friend was talking about girls differently, he was more the romantic type, and I was more the player type as I can recall, so my way of talking about “girl’s” was insulting to him in a way, and thus he reacted and said to me I have a Big ego, basically only thinking about myself.

After this interaction, I walked away and I was now concerned about this ego thing, in fact I didn’t know how personal I took it till later on the same day, I was thinking about this ego thing so much that I built up more and more anger towards my friend saying I have a big ego, my back chat started running where I would think things like, “how can you say I am only thinking about myself, any guy in this world wants sex and no matter how you play the game it Is ALL about yourself, the male, the sex, I simply approached it less intimately and more in a cold way, so the separation part is easier for both.

I basically reacted to my friend saying what he is doing is all about the “girl” yet he knows as a guy as ME that it is never about the girl, the girl has what the man wants, simple.

So I created a grudge towards this friend, but secretly, in fact I made it my goal to PROOF to this friend that what he is doing as a “romantic guy” that his way is still JUST a game and nothing different from mine, and thus also EGO because it is only about HIM and HIS wants/desires.

As the days in school went by, I obviously interacted with this friend normally, but whenever I got the opportunity, I would say things to him to “test” his mind and where it is, very subtly, I will say things that only me “type” and ego will like, and not his romantic type, but I said the things I did in such a clever way that I could show him that he is no different.

For example, I would go sit next to this friend that has now labeled me as a BIG EGO guy because I talk about women as sex objects, where he does not do those things because he is so much better and mature and apparently has a deeper connection and understand women more and knows it isn’t all about sex and blab bla bla (the mind of a sixteen year old) and I would just sit there, quite next to him, and then I would ask him simple questions, like – what girl do you like? And he would say, no one at the moment, and then I would look at a girl that is walking around on the school grounds that is judged as not so pretty and outcast, and I would point and ask him, do you like that girl? And there, on his face, a face of disgust, the frown, and he would then look at me and say, Gian, why are you asking me this, and I would say, I am just checking if you as a “romantic guy” that do not see girls as just sex objects but that there is more and something emotional apply his rules to any women, or only pretty women, he reacted, stood up and walked away.

See, my point was, I wanted to proof to him that he is full of bullshit and just EGO as well, no matter how pretty he painted the picture in his mind, because if it is about beauty, and that you can only be a romantic to someone that is seen as a “sex symbol” – well, then you are only thinking about yourself and or of yourself in the whole picture, no different than me, I just did it openly.
The story of Ego to be continued.

Day 312 – She is Pregnant Part 3

Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up within myself towards what exist within this world and which I am bringing in a child into to stop and to breathe and to not accept and allow the fear to direct my actions or the decisions that I make, instead I give myself the opportunity to investigate the fear and to see why I have created fear towards the world and what is here in separation of myself, instead of standing one and equal as all that is here as me being in fact a direct creator of what is here as I am here and thus I must take self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not trusting myself with and as my baby to stop and to breathe, and to trust myself as the Physical as that which is here and real.

I commit myself to when and as I Fear the world and that my baby has to go into this world to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that has to face this world every day, and that I cannot separate my child from what is here and that my child must stand one and equal with and as the system to be able to walk the system effectively and not in fear.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to Hide the world from my child to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that it is quite obvious that my child is in this world and that my child must be in this world but does not have to be a part of the world and yet that my child will be effective within this world.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am trying to act and behave around my child in ways that is from and as fear to stop and to breathe and to realize myself here as the Physical and to focus on the physical and to use the physical as my guidelines.

I commit myself to give all the tools I can to my child as common sense and self honesty and practicality and all the Physical skills that I can and reading and math so that my child is fully equipped to make his/her own decisions that is best for all life.

I commit myself to raise my child to always live what is best for all life.

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”
Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear all the dangers in the world that I will bring a Child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must Fear what is here and then take action, seeing and realizing that if I take actions from the starting point of fear then that is what I will teach my child, to Fear first and then to take action, seeing and realizing that I must look at the fear and forgive myself for the fear that I have created and accepted and allowed and the through common sense and self honesty look at the point with and from a clear point of being a participant in this reality and how to take Actions within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Only now that I am bringing a child into this world to suddenly care about what happened to “my” child, seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that is NO different to the child I will be bringing into this world and that the caring must be equal for all children, I also see and realize that within practicality caring and doing for all children right now as I can for my child isn’t practical at all as I do not have this power, and thus I see and realize why this world MUST change, so that what I want for my child can and will be given to ALL children equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take action and really care about how the world is now that I am going to have a child, seeing and realizing the self interest within this and why the world is the way it is, as no one is standing and walking in the shoes of others as themselves to actually care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear the world I bring my child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my child will end up in situations that Is accepted and allowed for other children to exist within, seeing and realizing that what I accept and allow to exist for ALL children as all possible situation and environments to exist in will thus exist as possible situations/environments for my own child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fears I have for my child is existent because of the facts that I am in a world where we as a collective are accepting and allowing daily other children that isn’t our own to exist in the exact situations/environments that we fear for our own children, instead of Fucking changing this world to a place where these environments/situation do not exist and isn’t even a possible option, which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the fears I have for my child is existent because I have seen Other Living actual children in situation that I as an adult do not even want to live in exist within and that what I fear isn’t some form of fantasy, but that it is an actual reality for Millions of children in this world and that I know if it is possible for those children to exist in places where they do then it exist for my child as well, as we live in a world created by man where Money decides everything and we are just subjects to the money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I Fear for my child because I have been accepting and allowing other children to Live in poverty and to exist in abusive environments and where there are rape/murder/disease/brutality and everything that is Not a way of life any of us ever want to exist in, and that in the past I didn’t care for them or try and change the world for them, and that now I see that if my child will ever have to be in such a situation that No one will ever give a fuck or help, as that is what I have accepted and allowed one and equal. Thus I see and realize that it is MY responsibility to change the world to a place that is best for all LIFE, for all children equally all around the world, so that I know, I actually care, that I cannot accept and allow anything for any child that I do not desire for myself or my own child. Because that will mean I truly care for my child, that I change the world (obviously with a group of people and so the rest of the world together, but it starts with myself) investigate Desteni and Equal Money System.

Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”

So when my partner told me that she is pregnant I was very cool about it, there was nothing running through my head, I was sticking to the principals: practicality and common sense within self honesty doing what is best for all life.

This made everything SOOO easier, because that removes “personal” crap from the equation, it removes the fears and limitations and all the shit latched to the “having a baby”.

So after me and my partner looked at the whole point practically and within what’s best for all life within our actions within what is here, it was decided (no reacted upon, as it would have been if there was “personal” involved) to have a Baby, this changes the entire “experience”. It is actually pretty cool and enjoyable.

I have come to now wonder a nit afterwards what do I do now?? Lol, I mean my partner is carrying the baby and she is the one having the pains and having to feel like throwing up and having head aches, but I am not having any of that at all, so what can I do? I asked myself.

I kind of feel useless in this stage of my partner being pregnant, obviously I am here for her as support and assistance and to talk to and to share and express with, but that doesn’t change the physical changes, I kind of feel guilty to – because I am having it easy to bring a child into this world, my partner has to carry a baby for nine months and then give birth, the giving birth part is actually called going into Labor, no one gets paid over time for that labor, in fact it will cost us a shit load.

I will do SF here on the Useless point and feeling guilty and then continue the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel useless within being of any actual help for my partner while she is Pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being useless while my partner is pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel that I must be able to do more then what I really physically can for her within the desire of not feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not feel bad about being useless within not being able to help my partner with the carrying of the baby and to through this judge myself as being useless to make myself feel better about myself, seeing and realizing that it is really a waste of time and energy playing games like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel Guilty for being part of getting my partner pregnant and not equally carrying the baby and going through the physical symptoms and pains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for Being at work all day and not being home supporting my partner in this time, seeing and realizing that currently this is not practical and possible as we all have to work to feed and support our lives in this system and thus feeling guilty is a way of self manipulation to not tale full self responsibility within changing this world to a place that is best for all life as a real solution to the problem.

Continuing with the story.

I am now daily looking at Everything in my current place and state in the physical reality where I must bring my child into and where I must raise my Child, I now see things as dangerous that I did not before, Like I would walk outside and see my child running or crawling around and then I see a bush with a thorn hanging to low, and I would go, THAT needs to be trimmed lol. Stuff like that.

So it is interesting how I also now see the world within considering bringing a “innocent” child into this world where there is ALL these fucking things around. So I am breathing and taking it one step at a time, cancelling out the mind and looking at it practically not going into over drive within looking at things, YES changes must be made for the child where we can prevent what is possible in all ways.

BUT the prevention cannot come from fear; it must come from actually physically considering it all. If it is done from fear then there will be consequences on those actions, so NO fear, breathing and walking step by step.

Where I have seen my house as clean before now looks like shit still lol, and where I have seen stuff as being practical I now see it was only practical in terms of Adults living here, and not all life.

I now see what patterns and what habits I have that I must deal with and work with, because a child will learn from who we are as LIVING beings, the words come later, the sentences come later, the reading comes later, the Physical actions we do right here in each moment is what is Instant for the child to learn from, Nine months is a lot of Breathes to fix the shit, the sins of the fathers, and to correct, to prepare, to see where I was lazy before and now to really take the patterns and habits and change them to what’s best for all life.

To be continued with self forgiveness (SF) and (SCS)

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”

I came home from work one day and as I was sitting in the kitchen there were people talking, my partner and her sister was talking about having late periods, and since both of them were late it all seemed to make sense that its just a change in their cycles, I did not think anything of it. We joked about them both being late and how it might be funny if they both were pregnant on the same time.

So the next day after work when I got home I heard that My partners sister got her periods, my partner then started to look concerned and said she still haven’t gotten her period and that it has been two weeks or more.

So during the day that I was at work I send my partner a message asking her if I should buy a pregnancy testing stick, she said ok, I found a gap at work to go out and to go buy the stick.

At the Pharmacy I walked in and I was hanging around looking for the stuff, the girl behind the counter asked me if I need help, I looked at her and I said YES, I am looking for those sticks that you can test if you are pregnant with, she said Oh they are right here, we keep them behind the counter locked up.

I walked towards the counter and I said: can I have one? She said yes you can it is twenty five rand's, I thought it would be cheaper since in the movies sometimes women uses like ten to test to make sure, but I could only afford one. She gave it to me and I gave her the money, as I took the stuff she then had a little grin smile on her face, I saw that lol.

I went back to work and I furnished the day off at five thirty, I went home and I placed the bag with the stuff in it in my room and did not say anything to my partner. But she went into the room and she found it and she red the instructions on it, she then told me she will only be able to test tomorrow morning since you need to do it early when something is more.

So I waiter, I was curious and I have been thinking about it all day lol, I drive cars around and I work a lot in situations where I am alone like driving very long distances.

So the discussions/considerations I had with myself was what if it is a YES or a NO - I knew I had to look at these point within myself, I had to be clear and make sure there is no Fear, I have a little book with a pen always on me, so I opened up the book and I wrote down, This isn’t a Point to Fear, it is to Breathe and take self responsibility either way - I also wrote down what I saw was the Fear, the fear was that if it is a Yes, we haven’t prepared and that the HOW it happened frightened me as I wasn’t sure on How it happened at all.

So as I was driving around and looking at the scenarios I saw that I would like to have a child, I would enjoy to have a child, especially since I have been with Desteni and that I am busy with the Equal Money System. As my participation with Desteni I have developed myself a lot more effective and to be self disciplined and to trust myself in all and any situations.

But my biggest concern was the economy, the world and the way things are going, so I questioned having a child in this time and age and with everything happening. This was my ONLY reason for not wanting to have a child right now. I got a Job and I am working full time and I can make a lot of money, so I saw that this was already a upgrade within being able to have a child as being able to support the child.

But an even better point was that I was living on the farm and on the farm is the best support and the environment is great, so that part is set and cool.

Back to hearing the news, after a while considering everything and investigating points within myself I was quite stable with the answer going either way, but at How my partner/wife seemed a bit concerned - so I made myself concerned as well lol, instead of breathing and being self honest within it all.

Late night came and we all went to sleep. The next morning I was woken by my partner laying over the bed looking at me and saying Gian - it I positive, I am pregnant, my partner sounded concerned, like she was giving me heavy news, like it was expected from me to not be happy about such news, so I had a sudden response - I said REALLY, and I looked at her in her eyes she said yes the strip had to stripes, I then said, and that means you are pregnant, she said yes it says so on the box or paper, and I said okay and how accurate is this test? I was diverting the conversation towards certainty to convince myself lol.

Since it was morning and I had to get ready for work and go to work we would not talk, we agreed to have a talk when I come back, and to not yet mention anything to anyone.

To be continued.