Day 546 - Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite

All throughout my life, or as far as I can remember, I never really “finished” something that I started, thus I never actually build a skill, I never really specialized in anything, I would always stop, or what I was busy with/doing would simply start fading away and I would just not be doing it anymore. This has been a pattern that I can see I have created and trapped myself within for a very long time and it is one of my most difficult patterns to work through. Because I developed a character that always starts something with a good and positive energy, even if this energy isn’t visible as in me looking exciting and all jumping around, but within myself there is this positive energy, where I have convinced myself and where I have within myself made a decision to do this, that I am going to not quit and finish this. So it has become quite a tricky pattern I have set up for myself to trap myself, because even within walking my process I seem to have simply modified and changed a few things here and there to make It “look” like I am starting something and finishing something, I am here referring to long term things.

Where did I develop this pattern and why? When I look at my childhood years and as I grew up, I didn’t necessarily have this pattern within me that I was living out back then, but something throughout my early years did give me this influence, impression on how to take things on – so here I am investigating my mother, because I see and saw that she had this exact same pattern, My mother was amazing at doing short term things like cleaning the house and doing all the quick odds things, which surprisingly I am as well, But she never did anything that was long term, so here I didn’t per say see my mother (the most influential person in my life back then) NOT finishing what she started, I just didn’t see her do anything that is long term, only short term things, thus My father who was the one doing the long term living such as working day in and out providing for us, was unseen, I was unable to learn that part from him, so I copied my mother’s short term living, where I always want satisfaction after each thing I do, preferable the same day or week.

And let me be clear, I didn’t even finish any PC games or PS2 games; I played them for temporary satisfaction, but never got the end, so this pattern wasn’t developed just in relation to doing “hard work” but also in relation to play and fun, anything that took time and patience, breathing, physical application, one plus one accumulating and end result.

But why did I take on this pattern from observing my mother but for example my older brother didn’t to my extent, neither did my younger brother? Well this is the cold hard truth of family dynamics and what takes place within families, that as the middle child or three boys, I was Favorited by my mother and I knew this, and thus I wanted to copy and be just like my mother, this in a way gave my brother space to NOT be influenced by my mother as much as I was, so they had space to find different role models, or develop more of an independent view of reality and what they want to do.

My focus was on being my mother’s son, which meant I had to copy her in ways that would make me more like her, thus being her favorite even more, I never considered ANY of the physical and developmental consequences that would manifest within myself and thus my life through these actions, because as a child I was totally free from the responsibilities of what exist outside of school and home and those kind of long term responsibilities weren’t really placed within me through education or anyone to really understand where my focus should be in developing myself, thus I did focus all my time and energy and development on “energy, feelings, emotions, highs and lows” and develop myself in an energetic way that fit my current childhood years and to survive at home and school, but once I had to go out into the world, what happened? My mother was removed from the equation and I was left with myself with all these behaviors and patterns that had No use in the long run, and did not support me constructively to develop and enhance myself effectively to be my utmost potential.

So I became a Jack of many/all trades, I have many skills, but they all end at some point, I am great at my short term skills, in fact amazing, but pushing them into a long term point and it becomes a problem, because energy only stretches so far.
To be continued with Self Forgiveness