Misunderstood Living - Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with myself in such a way that I misunderstand myself, without taking a moment to breathe and be clear within myself and the communication I have with myself to be clear and direct as an expression of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I communicate with myself to fall for the emotions/feelings and thoughts that come up within me and to follow them, instead of sticking to what is truly within me as my self-expression and clarifying that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out by following the thoughts/feelings and emotions that come up within me, to take them and communicate them, instead of taking a moment to stop the thoughts/feelings and emotions and to see what they are trying to hide form me, my true expression and to find words to place with my expression and live that, seeing and realizing that the mind as me fear expressing myself truly as it is unknown, different and much deeper on a substance level. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be ready in any given moment to respond and communicate as a way of defending myself, my ego, to show that I do know, I know myself, I can speak instantly and at will, I do not need to look at anything before speaking, and so implying in the moment that I am already right, not taking the time to see all the dimensions, to see who I am within all the dimensions that are here and to place me within consideration of all dimensions that is here as my expression and see what I will say and do as the path forward that is best for all as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience fear/anxiety/nervousness to go into instant speaking as a way of hiding the fear/anxiety/nervousness, instead of slowing down, taking a breath, forgive myself and look inside to myself (not the thoughts/feelings/emotions) as my expression and who I am and thus what I want to express truly as me as all dimensions considered in the moment, to bring out my true utmost potential as life as expression one and equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing in a conversation, to fear taking too much time, to fear missing the window for me to speak, and so go into speaking without checking, without placing the words correctly first as who I am, so that my words reflect me one and equal inside and out, and so to stop cycles of regret. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how I have throughout my life only ever spoken from thoughts/feelings and emotions and never truly considered where they come from, why they show up and how they work, yet I spoke them and acted on them, and so in return created a reality for myself of always feeling and being misunderstood. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for misunderstanding me, for not hearing me, for not seeing me, never considering that I have a world of my own within me, based on how I was raised and brought up within the education system, and this world within me is limited to the vocabulary I was taught/given and so the same for every other being on this planet, and thus when I communicate from my thoughts/feelings and emotions I am in a position assuming that everyone else have those thoughts/feelings and emotions the same within them as me, and thus that they must simply understand me and I do not have to be specific or take the time to specify myself, and so create more conflict and distance and feeling like I am all alone within my world when I communicate with others. Seeing and realizing that it is my responsibility to be clear on my inner world, to know myself truly and to place the words with me as my expression to express myself one and equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to lazy to specify myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that laziness is self-judgement, and so exposing myself within the point of change, that I simply judge myself as not being able to change, or that it isn’t possible, so I go into laziness to sit in self-judgement and do nothing about what I clearly know needs to change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression within me must simply come from me naturally and that everyone and everything must simply get me, accept me as I am, knowing that what I am expression without specifying it, clarifying it for myself in thought word and deed, that I am not even accepting myself and getting to know myself for real, or creating myself for real for when I find something is needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to change before I can change, seeing and realizing that I will wait forever, and thus such though is but a point of postponement and justification for not taking the time to change myself for myself first and foremost. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I feel misunderstood, and when I am misunderstood and I become emotional about it, that I am revealing only to myself that I do not actually yet understand me, and so I can not go into blaming others for not understanding me, as I myself need to first understand myself to be able to fully express myself in clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that emotional responses/communication is an indication of lacking self-clarification within myself, and not about what I am reacting to about others/things within this world. Thus I see and realize that when I have a reaction, emotional or feeling where an energy takes over my thoughts and thinking and I want to respond with that to another or about things, That the emotion/feeling is a contamination that took the place of self-clarification, and so I must remove the contamination through clarifying myself with words, as to align my thought and words with my deeds as a living expression of me, and not a reactive responsive expression with no actual standing/foundation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everyone and everything else a problem, how people react to me, what they say to me as them being at fault to the things I say from thoughts/feelings/emotions, not seeing and realizing that the responses are in fact proper responses, as a thought/feeling/emotion will only bring more of the same, and thus no clarity, simply energy bouncing around creating friction in a fiction of minds communicating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character/personality of myself that I define myself as, as who I am, from the thoughts/feeling and emotions I have, as a way to justify why I am not specified, why I do not actually know myself, why I have not taken the time to take what is within me and clarify me within all that is within me and outside of me as to know myself as an actual being and not just a personality disorder of thoughts/feelings and emotions that react to life and living, but rather be the directive principle and living example of what it means to be ones utmost potential and so create a world that is best for all as self where all personality disorders end and each being lives in clarity of who they are and where nothing can manipulate, deceive and justify anything, especially ourselves, thus creating a world that is best for all as who I am, who we are, being the living word. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what ever my GOOD intentions may be, if I am not clear within me, self-specified within my words/worlds that my intentions will never manifest one and equal, as my living and words will always come out much different then the intentions I have/had as I myself do not even know how and what to live to manifest my own intentions, as I exist as randomness within me, randomness will manifest outside of me, and no intention can find its way within such an environment to manifest as the intention, and so I see and realize that as long as I do not specify myself, place words to my expression and living in details, clarifying myself in each breath and moment, that I am always within the intention to deceive/manipulate and justify myself and nothing else. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I must change myself, specify my self-expression within what is best for all, all ways, as this is the only way to actually specify, as all life, and not within self-interest, as that is only self-fish from the point of not expanding self to all life as who I am, and so the only specification that can exist is that which is always within what is best for all life and so me as my best version of myself in living and communication with myself and others where my words are always within consideration of all dimensions that exist here. 

More to come….

Self Crucification, Watch Out

This blog has some cool points in general for someone not familiar with Desteni, I write this blog mostly for the community I am within and those to come to our community of Destonians. So if you are not familiar, please take a look at desteni.org - as this blog is process specific and for those that have done their research and work for years within Desteni to come to the point of self-honest investigation and self into me I see.

Jesus was amazing in being and living the word as who he is in expression when he was here on earth. He demonstrated not only in his words and living the way forward for life/humanity but he also showed us that anyone can do it, stand as life, as we are all the same, from the same substance, equal and one, and so absolutely responsible for ourselves and what is here on earth.

Jesus as amazing as he was, and still he did not get it fully (so yes, you can stand as expression of life and still fuckup and even more enhances the problem), to the full extent of what is here as this existence, the mind/consciousness and most of all self-honesty, and neither do I yet, but it is clear for all to see that Jesus showed us who we are as life, and he at the same time showed us how FUCKED we are, we can literally have a GOD walk among us as an example of WHO WE ARE and we will Crucify that god for doing so. This is the one point where Jesus fell, being crucified instead of pushing through all the way as much as possible, it was his (personal) downfall, yet for us all, it was a gift still to show us the extent of the problem that is here if we dare see.

How easy is it to fall for the idea in our heads of rather sacrificing ourselves for others and hoping they would make it, they would get it, and give up on ourselves personally to transcend and rebirth as life one and equal as life here? it is very easy, because it is nice to think that if I sacrifice myself and give up on myself but not others, then they will make it, YET what I do know is, people follow by example, so in the end we have everyone sacrificing themselves for others and no one making it, because no one is pushing all the way through, breathing, self-forgiveness, living and walking brutal self honesty within a specific principle of what is best for all life, standing up and changing self and so effect the world in ways unthinkable to the mind. I mean, Jesus' time was two thousand years ago, and in that time no one has stood up as he hoped fro crucifying himself.

Have you crossed that path in your life? as the gross of Jesus symbolizes, the cross roads, where you either crucify yourself, give yourself up, give up on yourself due to reasons such as age, time, commitments, "responsibilities", stress, fears, insecurities, ideas and believes or plain out just not caring anymore and just want to be happy in an illusion till death pops that bubble?, OR where you climb off the cross as the BURDENS you belief you carry, lay them down and say, NO, I do not accept and allow the MIND as the cross to burden me, I stay with my feet on the ground and walk the path until it is done? This is a point everyone needs to and will face in their life, unexpectedly, subtly, or quit openly/direct, and a decision will have to be made, and once a person faces this point and decides to walk instead of crucifying themselves, it becomes a path that can only be walked in-breath, or the cross is simply lifted and carried again till an appropriate spot is found for it to crucify self on it, give up on self.

In our heads it can sound so nice when we tell ourselves that "I will sacrifice/crucify myself" for the sake of my family, children, or for others to have a chance this life, and we really sell it to ourselves to justify our actual FEAR of really facing the self-honesty of what exists here and how fucked we truly are within and without of what is HERE accepted and allowed as LIFE. It is truly a difficult path, and if Jesus could not make it, then how can I? take a look at how hard christianity sells the idea that Jesus is still alive, somewhere on a cloud, and they do this because they must have HOPE. but inside everyone really knows he is dead and did not make it, because he isn't here now in his flesh as they say. We all can see that. and thus we all know deep inside, fuck, if Jesus could not make it, how can I? and what does the path then truly entail.

Luckily Desteni is here to give clarity on this path for all, and the message, the educational material, and most of all the tools to walk this path, and Bernard who walked as an example to show. But, what can we learn from ourselves, even when a support structure such as Desteni is HERE, giving the process and the way on a plate for all to see, to walk and to live, it still seems no one is making it. have you made it? I have not yet made it..

Especially, when we look at ourselves, and we have had these tools and all the information that is needed 100% for free online, open for all, all given clearly in what is needed, the principles, the message, the understanding, and the tools, we find ourselves falling and failing and crawling and struggling and giving up on a yearly, monthly, weekly basis for the smallest challenges, obstacles, reasons and 99% they are mind related, not real. This creates the desire for a cross for oneself, even more, to rather pick that cross up and carry it, find a spot for it and place ourselves on it, and then hope that this suicidal crucification will somehow symbolize to our children, friends, peers HOPE!! that they can do it, but rather it is in return symbolizing we are fucked, gave up, and not what you think or want it to be. I mean a cross is a torturing device that kills someone slowly with crows picking out your eyes.

A self crucification can come in many forms, it mostly will symbolize in either two polarities, one of negativity or one of positivity in how we present our self crucification to others, to still create the Illusion of it being good, or meaningfull, just like what religion is doing to Jesus crucification and how it becomes a massive selling point, we sell our crucification to others, as if giving hope to others to keep moving on, keep pushing on, is all that is needed, but we ourselves are unwilling, we would rather parade around looking happy, or saticfied with ourselves in a world of dispair, or try and demonise everything and everyone instead of really being an example of walking the walk, facing our shit, being real about the shit that is here, walk a very specific process of educatio, and using tools of writing, self-forgiveness, corrective statements, sharing that openly where it is supportive and best for all, being very specific with a principle we live by and stand by, and so become a living example of change is HERE, not in a hope, not in our children, not in others, in ourselves, and so self crucification is a made up fantasy of change, a self-rightcious approach to change.

I have found and identified the point for me that indicated I am carrying my cross and readying myself for self-crucification within this process, and so I use these markers to check myself, as picking up the cross/mind is subtle, it is self-deceptive, it is cunning, it is planned in a manner that seems like it isn't a crucification.

These points are as follows, and they are real and physical.

- I stop writing, personal writing, or blogs..
- I do not speak my written self-forgiveness to myself.
- I stop listening to Desteni interviews, recording and forget about them
- I stop reading and educating myself, and clarifying for myself information that is available on the Desteni Website and only consume bullshit elsewhere leading to only knowledge and information that satisfy a conspiracy, a feeling, an energy that restarts by the engine of the mind and nothing else, feeding personalities and characters.
- I stop participating in group events, chats, forums, making videos/vlogs, sharing my process in the channels available such as FB, not being visible for cross-referencing. as the cross is then already planted for me to hang on, not in sight for others to see my action of self0crucification coming.
- I more and more lean to do things of entertainment rather than my process.
- Process is last on my list to give attention, instead of it being my living and sharing and fist priority as who I am as life.
- making money and relationships a focus point as an excuse to why I am not yet getting to my process.
- Concerned about what others think more and more and so retract myself from expressing myself.
- Making my process a burden instead of a living expression of who I am, as the burden indicates there is already a cross on my back, the mind.

Ok, those are some indicators I use and check out for, priorities, focus on one's process naturally becomes first once the realization of reality and what is here as who we are really sinking in, within the consideration of eternity and all life within it.

My HIGHER purpose is ME re-birthed as LIFE, re-aligning myself

This blog might come forth as me being hard  on myself, as I know I place a certain expectation onto myself, but I do this to shoot for the starts and reach the moon kind of thing, it helps for me to really SEE what is here, I do consider my practical living points currently even when in my writing it might look to the reader that I am just sitting and doing nothing, yet it is the exact opposite, all my time is full, so the point I am making is, in that I must stop the COPING character and take on the ACTIVE living of process stance as ME.

(I am writing this blog during a 12 hour work shift with the new job I got, after just having 3 hours of sleep and finishing an 8 hour shift before that, while Leila is sick and in bed with me taking care of Cesar) proofing to myself that when I am an active participant in my process there is time, there is space, I am here, and interestingly enough this actually supports a lot during my work shift, some simple good old writing. luckily it is online and gives the opportunity, 5 min here and there to write. So no more excuses for me in my position and location in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a version of me that is coping, and so within this coping version of me feel I do not have to work more on myself as I am coping, as coping to the mind is just enough to remain in a state of survival and thus as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to COPE within and as the mind, and so not push myself further to stop me as the mind participation through implementing BREATH  and self-forgiveness daily to truly transcend ME to rebirth myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of LIFE through accepting and allowing a complacent within me of coping and seeing that as enough, and so waste my time and life simply coping, making it in the system, yet not within me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to narrow down my process to that of coping, as if that is the reason I am here, to simply cope and make it through each day, not seeing and realizing that within such a stance within myself and within life I have given up, failed in essence, and so lost the essence of this process as me, as why I am walking this process for me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aspire for and towards small trivial gratifications in and of self interest on a daily basis to suppress my personal process and walking my personal process actively, taking on each and every point, and not just the seemingly important once, where I would on a daily basis aim for simple Matrix achievements of "I made it through the day", I have apparently done what was important (which according to the system is ONLY surviving) and then have to do nothing more but be a slave that is satisfied with his survival for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disturbing MYSELF through actually passionately walk my higher purpose this life of re-birthing myself as life, to stand one and equal as a true Destonian , facing my SHIT, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses and to forgive myself, to change to stand as what is best for all life, to own everything and take responsibility for all that is here as me within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SHAVE my head and to keep my head shaved as a DESTONIAN as a living stance of the principals I stand by and as, YET miss the personal process I as a Destonian also committed to walk, which isn't pretty and nice, but self-honest openly, and to share this process, my process and to walk it where many others will resist and so stand as an example this one life that I have as me walking my personal process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FORGET the starting point of me being here, the point of why I am doing this without choice, and so have fallen into CHOICE as an illusion within simply coping and throwing away my time and moments of opportunity to stand and to face myself, to change myself, to stop myself as my mind and to rebirth myself as life, as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LOSE sight of my process within the difficult times I have and am facing of real time physical change, through going into the character of coping, instead of standing breathing and seeing my process as an active living in each breathe where each and everything is a reflection of me and so an opportunity to face myself and take my process on actively, instead of my process simply running in the back ground and going the long hard route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with everything instead of dealing with everything, and so within not dealing with everything that comes up within me as my reactions, my feelings, me experiences, I suppress and build up an entity of energy that posses me within my body, my actions, my thinking and eventually directs my life for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KNOW what I am doing through NOT writing self-forgiveness daily, through blogging as much as I can or making vlogs where I can and actively walking my process and NOT doing anything about what I know but WAIT for better days where I do not have to cope with changes and time, not seeing and realizing that through walking my process actively I solve the problem of where I feel I am stuck in and coping within, as I know this, I have done this, I have lived this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and keep myself in a consistent state of coping where I become very reactive to small things, petty things that occur in my small reality of coping as a way of finding entertainment and purpose, as I have within coping lost sight of my "higher" purpose that is me as my process, where my focus is inwards, into me I see and so walk from within outwards as a rebirth process in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I am reactive and taking things very personal in small things, as I have started to narrow my view of life within my coping bubble and so made everything personal, as I have insulated myself into a personal bubble where I believe everything is about me, losing sight of life and who I am here as life and so everything is a reflection of me to me and not something I must feel separate from and react to, take personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Lose my voice through not expressing myself and stepping out of my coping character that tells me "do not do what is here only keep things as they are" and so start to isolate myself and cut myself off, creating fear and anxiety within myself instead of confidence and self-trust as me here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have refrained from sharing myself within the coping character in fear of getting to much feedback or requests to talk and that I will not be able to cope then, instead of trusting me here breath by breath to move and direct without procrastination and burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from doing anything more within and as my process in the assumptive projection of expectation within my mind that I will overload myself by walking my own process and writing and sharing and making vlogs - and so have created a perfect MIND wall to not walk the very thing that supports me as to keep the mind in tact and in control ever so diminishing me.

My commitment is lived in the existence of this very blog for today = )

I am NOT IMPORTANT - Day 655

I am NOT important

To think you are important can be the biggest thing that holds you back from living your fullest potential.

Here is my self-forgiveness on this topic of thinking I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK that I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the idea as a thought within my mind that I am important.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to look at why and what I believe of myself to be important and where these believes come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk and talk as if I am important and thus more than others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be important gives me value as a being, and so I value everything of everyone else except that of myself as principle as who I am and thus stand by as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am important t than I am destined of r great things that is better than other people’s destinies, thus not seeing and realizing that within this I will do and act in ways that PUSH others down just so that I can be important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL and believe that IF I am not important in the eyes of others then I will have no value and meaning as a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to WANT to be important as to be seen as MORE than others as to not have to live in FEAR f others as I believe that the idea of being important from others naturally takes away my own fears and insecurities of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR not being important and thus irrelevant and useless to others and so myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be raised without question by my parents that I am important/special and so more than other people, where this was told to me as an insecurity from my parents of believes they already had of me as NOT being capable, as not surviving in this world and so I had to have an idea of myself as being MORE and so being important, yet accepting and allowing through this within me the polarity of intense fear of not being important and thus NOT surviving/living in this world and failing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the FEAR of that if I am not important then I do not exist and may as well then self-destruct and abuse, and so using the IDEA of I am important as a way to “motivate” myself to be better, to be more than what I believe of myself, SEEING and realizing that this is  a band aid that can be harshly ripped off if I suddenly do not feel important and go into all the point that I believe if myself negatively as the polarity playouts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I LOOK makes me important and even so more important than others and how they look like in comparison. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEE my life story and what I have gone through and lived as SO fucking important and thus MORE than others that I hold onto this false Idea of what my life means, what it should mean, what it is going to mean, and in the meantime glorifying my own story and making it so important that I am bound to not be important as I disregard all other stories as equally important just to keep myself important to have value and meaning, even going to the lengths of making my story more than what it is just to get that attention of look how important I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest to the degree of selling myself out completely to FEAR just to be important and so give up my living, my expression and my natural breathing in the fear of it not being important enough and losing within this life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how the idea of me being so fucking important has crippled me from actually being important to myself in a way that matters to me and to all life equally as who I am and standing as, where there is no fear and only self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I believe that I a important with a special mission this life, I will always fail as the importance and specialness does not and never will match reality and only creates FEAR of failure and so losing importance and thus never actually being able to take the steps that is needed for change, but rather holding on to a fake state of importance and security as EGO/Illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that as long as I trap myself within the idea/opinion and vision of myself as being important, or someone that will be important, that I trap myself in absolute anxiety and fear of LIVING as everything I do and say and live can always possibly be a failure and that an act of simply not existing or deserving to exist as a mind fuck. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I am No ONE then I have NOTHING to lose, to fear to be anxious about, and ONLY everything to GIVE as who I am standing within my principle as what is best for all LIFE. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others within living in a state of self-importance as an imposed state of being within this reality onto others and so suffocating other people through my own self-importance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through living in an illusionary world of my ego as a believer of myself that I am somehow magically important, and thus more than others, where I destroy what is REAL for that which does not exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I speak/talk to other people to always have this stance within me of that I am the important person within the conversation and not the other person and so within this Gain nothing and Give nothing except keeping myself trapped in a bubble of illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it HARD within myself to see myself as in fact equal to another human being/life, where I have accepted and allowed the judgment as back chat to exist within me of “ I am doing something different than the other person, I am doing things different,  am different, and this other person is just a normal person” and so I use this as I am more and important and this other normal person isn’t because they are normal, and so disconnect myself from reality here completely and distance myself from actually walking my process as myself real time with the other being and including them in my “different” and vice versa to come to a reality of what s best for all in fact. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE as little as possible through holding onto the idea/believe that I am important and so have to do less and give less. Thus seeing and realizing that I must be NOTHING and so I have everything to give as I have NOTHING to lose, as they believe and idea of I am important ONLY creates a fear of consistent loss on a physical and emotional level as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as my value, and so my value is everything except one and equal as LIFE.

I fear that when I have nothing to lose, then there is nothing that can stop me from living fully as life (not the idea of life FYI) being careful here of ego again. 

I fear nothing when I have nothing to lose, and what I fear the most to lose is the idea of myself, the believe and these ideas and believes is what I value myself as through others, when my value is that of LIFE one and equal and walking in principle as who I am, then there is nothing to lose and only everything to give.