I must suffer and overcome mountains before I can change

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to suffer before I can change, that something must happen to me or that I must go through something in my life for me to change and for my change to be able to be justified and have reason to why I changed, instead of changing here in each and every breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my change has to be justifiable through things or something that happens to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go through a lot of conflict with others to FIND the points I must change within me as to be able to state that I have changed because of all the conflict I have faced and thus I actually create conflict deliberately within my reality to create the points of justification that I need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go through a complex process of experiences and situations before I can change and stand as life, where I still believe that life requires a reason and justification to change and stand as itself, as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me here isn’t enough to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become more to be able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently as all of isn’t enough to stand as life, and thus place me as life out there as something I must reach, not seeing and realizing that this cycle will never end as I will always place I am not enough in front of me and thus have a never ending story.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that LIFE is here, I am here, that I must stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions and be here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see myself as worthy of life and thus I have created this process of change in my head that I must go through before I can become worthy of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that LIFE as the other parts of me wants me as this part of life to suffer and punish me before I can stand one and equal with all life as all parts of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that LIFE has abandoned me and that I have abandoned myself as life and within believing this I have created an Idea in my head that I must suffer and walk a process of suffering before I can be allowed back to life, as a point of redeeming myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life and life hard on myself through the idea nd believe I have about LIFE within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard t in fact see and realize that I am life and that I as life do not want me as life to suffer and wlak a long hard process, that I as life welcomes me as life to life any moment, I must simply stop my thoughts feelings and emotions and thus honour myself as life and stand as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind as my thoughts feelings and emotions is a fun place to be within and that life as all of me isn’t a fun place to be within as I have valued my mind so much that I actually fear losing my mind, stopping my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me changing and when I change into the future after some time, after I have walked a process first according to what I believe I must face and go through and thus create it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the journey I believe I must first walk before I can change is the journey I create for myself, even when that journey is based on a belief and not what is real, as here in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ENJOY some parts of the mind too much to give up that I would rather create a massive process and journey for myself that includes suffering and pain and hardship, just to not give up the mind, my thoughts, my feelings and emotions, and habits and patterns that I have laid down to control and manipulate my reality and control my reality within self-interest and thus not give that up but rather blame life as being hard and that I will someday maybe change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on future change outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my breath for indulging in the mind consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forsaken life and to within this blame life for making things so hard on me, yet life is Here as me as I am life I am simply not taking my throne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it weird to say the word throne that came so naturally to me, where a throne is simply a seat of a kind, and thus I can see that finding that weird in itself shows to what level I have degraded myself from life as a seat to take with and as life as a king, as a throne has become awkward and weird instead of natural and normal, as I have contaminated the word with kind on humans of earth as the mind instead of it as standing as life in oneness and equality as all, as a co-creator.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see myself worthy of GOD, being god, that I am god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by stories and myths and books on what it means to be god and actually stand as god where it is all magical and mysterious and BIG and amazing shit, when in fact I do not know, and thus I can drop all expectation, all projections, all ideas and opinions and simply breathe and be here, be still and know.

I commit myself to focus on breathing and to when and as I go into the mind, a thought, a feeling or emotion, a mood or an experience, to give myself a moment to focus and stabilize as breathe till nothing is moving within me and to move and direct myself from that points, even when there is a little bit of resistance, to push myself and to push through and create myself.

When Lethargy sinks in Day 606 - 9 of 21

Many years ago I went through a state of lethargy, for months I was tired and exhausted and felt like sitting and zoning out, not doing or participating in anything, where the thought and thinking in my mind would be telling me over and over “ relax, you need to just sit down and relax, do nothing for a while, you have been working hard, you deserve to just sit still and do nothing, just zone out for a while, then you will feel alive and awake again, just give it time” – But then it continues, for days and then weeks and then months and then it becomes Me, this new habit and pattern. 

BUT lucky me, I Listened to the Eqafe interviews on Lethargy a while back, and this enabled me to see when I was entering Lethargy, but that’s now all, because of the interviews I was not only able to see what I am in but also HOW I have created it for myself, it all took place in a short period of 30min, where I felt lethargic and suddenly I saw the construct that was described in the interviews, and I was like, wow, this is how I created it and why I am experiencing this. In that moment I could view who I was in the past few weeks and then how that specific doing/living ended up in a state I could not explain and just experienced and then have lethargy. 

It is for me difficult to write it all specifically down, as this requires the knowledge of the interviews to fully understand, but I will do the Self-forgiveness none the less on my personal points of creation up until this point. 

Here are the interviews for your interest:

Lethargy: Introduction – https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-introduction-atlanteans-part-212
Lethargy Looking Ahead - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-looking-ahead-atlanteans-part-216
Lethargy Domino Effect - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-domino-effect-atlanteans-part-213
Lethargy Self-Forgiveness - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-215
Lethargy A Physical Experience - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-a-physical-experience-atlanteans-part-214
Lethargy The Gifts Within - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-the-gifts-within-atlanteans-part-217

 

My Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the past few weeks take on a character within me of “advancement” where the point of advancement and growing wasn’t the problem, but that I took on a character within energy, where the mind made me believe that I require a certain character to face the changes of advancing and expanding based on expectations of what is to come, where I in the current moment already generate and create all the energy that I believe I will need as this character for when and as the moment arrives that these changes and advancements take place, and so within time as I advance, the expectations isn’t met, yet I have already generated and gathered all this energy within me for a certain moment, and as this moment never arrives my body still need to use this energy or do something with it, and thus I go into a lethargic state where all this energy is now weighing on me, making me feel tired as It never got to be expressed, and so it now needs to filter through my body and all the systems designed within the mind, and so I sit and wait for myself to feel awake again, to beef alive again to move and direct myself, yet as I wait for this to happen I am forming and creating new habits and patterns set within lethargy, and thus I become lethargy as a self-propelling cycle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a high energy character for any change or advancement that MIGHT take place and to within this prepare the character within acclimating energy beforehand as to set myself up for success, without actually knowing the outcome of the actual time it will take before any advancement or change will actually take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be someone else other than me to be ready, to handle any advancement or change that is to come or might come.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the non-common sense approach this is to take on a character and to generate all the required energy I believe I will required for something that might or might not happen and to within this act upon it within energy within me, not even checking physical reality and walking real time change, just following everything and anything my mind is throwing at me to follow according to an expectation I made up within my mind about what I want and not haw reality works.

21 Days Self Forgiveness Challenge Day 1 (day 586) - Money

I am going to do a 21 Day self-forgiveness challenge, where I write a Blog every single day specifically with self-forgiveness. I encourage you to Join me on this 21 Days, I will be taking on all the Main topics and who I am currently within these Topics, this is Money, sex, relationships, work and so on.

Take Note, I do this Self Forgiveness not just on points of what is HERE but also what I have walked or from way back in the past. Yet everything remains relevant.

Day 1 – Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE money power over who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge money as good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people and their relationship towards money, with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I like money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I want money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is the reasons for why I want or desire money that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying I want money and lots of it to change this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct with working with money within my purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as BAD for wanting money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as bad for wanting money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build morality around money as if it defines who I am, yet I must define money around who I am, and as long as I stand for life, as that which is best for all life, then money can never define me, but only aid in my purpose to being about equality on earth for ALL life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR the system and how the system will view me as the people if I am openly saying I need Billions to change this world and I need to people to do so, and I thus need to money to make shit move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the system has programmed me to Fear making money openly, and having lots of it openly for the right reasons, as the system wants to keep it secret, where only those that makes Billions can do so in secret and get away with greed and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that if I have a lot of money that the system will judge me, seeing and realizing that it is only me judging me based on my believes that I have created towards money and those that have it, seeing and realizing that I am not judging money, I am judging what others with LOTS of money has done with that money and it has never been what is best for all life, and so I have confused money with Evil and missed the point of who is making the money do what it is doing, the human, and thus I see and realize this is how the system scares people away from money, so that only the evil remains in control of the money pot, and not those that actually care about LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have denied myself the facts of who I am with money and when I have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted MONEY as something that is PERSONAL between a person and themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money a touchy subject in LIFE with myself and with other people’s money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEE the money people have and what I have as MINE or THEIRS and thus it is very personal to talk about, in fact something to avoid, something to help others keep secret, and this only comes from my secret relationship that I have created with money and know that I cannot speak openly about MY money matters and thus must “respect” other people’s money matters as well, in other words, other people’s secrets., thus only respecting money control, money enslavement, secret mind shit, dishonesty, evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will make enemies when and as I speak and talk about other people’s money or question them about their money, as I see and realize that this is only my fear and how I will react to others if they had to question my money spending, and what I do with my money, while I claim a GOOD soul, that I am a good person, yet my bank account will only show that I care about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HIDE my money reasoning within me as a secret, how much money I truly have, how I actually spend my money, where my money actually goes, as I know my relationship towards money is deceptive and dishonest and will never be able to stand in front of LIFE and say, this is how I spend my money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take QUICKLY advantage of the money that I do have while I have it, knowing Billions does not have the money, and to indulge in MY own life, and to only quickly, just for now enjoy my money, to fuck around with the money I have, as the system knows, every man is only in it for himself, and that’s why money can never be used or directed to change a better world, because no one will be able to give up his secret ways of how he is spending money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have choice as long as I have money YET I can never make the choice of spending my money to bring about a world that is best for all life, that I will only care about my own self-interest, my own personal life and improvement, yet my money must only remain with me, it is mine, yet claim I am not greedy, that those other people are greedy, yet I am living like a little roach, in secret collecting my own shit to stock up my own life, equally the same, and Place blame and judgement to those that do the same but only with MORE and bigger amounts of money, thus still blaming the money instead of seeing that the nature within me that I accept and allow is within all, and thus I cannot cast a stone, as I am equally as guilty as any other man/women that I say is evil, that I say is greedy, because our natures are the same and as long as I accept and allow this nature within me, then I in their shoes would do exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HIDE away from my responsibility towards LIFE behind money, in fear of having to GIVEUP my money to support life, to support what is best for all life, and to within this only give as little as possible to make myself feel good, through charities, through NPO’s and through all the ways the system is giving false outlets to make one feel good to where change is happening, yet nothing is changing as the giving isn’t real, it is feeling based, and nothing will change, because as self is the direct reflection of not wanting to actually change and give up all your money to bring about a world that is best for all life, so why would charities of NPO’s change the world? They are only as good and strong and genuine as I/you are, and that’s currently really weak, because weakness is supporting weakness and thus supporting each others abuse, as long as YOU/I can feel good and the charities and NPO’s religions, name them all are making you feel good, then well, mission accomplished. Because it is always minimal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give money power over LIFE, over my beingness, over my Authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by money, the picture of money, the numbers that resemble money and to be consumed by the energy within me created through that stimulation in that moment of seeing money, where this energy takes over any awareness point within me and my life starts revolving around money, what I can do with the money, how I will spend the money, how my life suddenly have a relieve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to money, where if I receive my pay check – that moment is the same as me receiving a needle in my arm, where I feel good for a moment, even though I had to sell my body and soul all month to receive this money, and to in that moment of being high forget everything, where I will now gladly move again within the same routine for the next month just to receive that cash injection, that security, and as I go along with the month and I spend my money out of fear of not having money, besides on basic needs, just so that I can feel I had money, I could spend money, even if it means having that one take away meal, and as the money run dry during the month, I go into a total polarity, where anxiety and fears are once again revealed, as if I am withdrawing from the high and going into the low, working harder, and wishing the month will end now just so that I can get that high again, that cash injection and so repeat, seeing and realizing that I am an addict to money, I am a slave to money as long as I continue this mind relationship within energy towards money. Instead of doing the same, but not for the pay-check living, but instead directing each month as practical as I can and to not go into the junky mode and spend my money of what I know can bring change, or create it as what’s best for all LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to this relationship that I have created towards money within myself, where I am actually a junky, a capitalist junky that enjoys an unequal system, even though it is abusive to me and towards everyone else.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this relationship of a junky that I have created towards and with money is exactly how the system has designed the money system, as the system was designed by US/HUMANS and that we as humans know that we actually have no clue who we are and thus we can give into energy and enjoy the ride of a junky, as long as it gives us a “purpose” and meaning in this life, running from pay check to pay check, getting high for a while, does not matter how long it lasts, a homeless man receiving even a few coins a month and barely feeding himself is still, equally trapped by this money junky system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BLAME money for the relationship I have created and accepted and allowed towards and with it, and to within this Blame become lame, and so I play innocent as if I am trapped in this fear, this survival, this point of struggling, yet it is my addiction to money that is the real problem, the money going in and out, and how my relationship changes as my survival is challenged every single time, yet doing nothing to change this system, as the junky is addicted and only cares for the injections and to survive as long as possible to have this high till death.

I forgive myself that I haven’t seen and realized that it is my relationship that I have towards money that is my problem and not money in itself, and as soon as I change the relationship I have towards money, can I actually start working with money properly, as money must have NO control over me, no matter how the mind wants to rationalize it, no matter how the minds want to induce fear for me to fall a slave to an energy system of enslavement, I must stand and I must breathe and I must move and direct myself with money always as what is best for all life and NOT just for myself, or I am simply supporting my addiction, and we know how clever an addict is to keep on having his high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the fact that my life is in controlled by and through money and how much money I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame money for how I am experiencing myself as, and within survival within this world, and that my life is constantly threatened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate money and the money system when I do not have money, when there is a lack of money and to only want to change the world and want a different world when I do not have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love money when I have money, when I can do what I want to do, and to forget about the world and everyone else when I have money and to completely forget about all my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a love/hate relationship within and towards this world system of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by money through having a love/hate relationship towards money and the world system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a polarity based relationship towards money within myself, where I fear for money and indulge within money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret mind relationship with and towards money within myself, where I feel in control and powerful when and as I do have money, but as soon as the money runs out, I feel powerless and weak and like everything is out of control, unpredictable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I have directly created who I am as my relationship with myself with money, where who I am changes as money in my reality changes, depending on how much or little I have.