Even Teachers knew we are Organic Robots that’s programmable

I got punished at school sometimes through doing certain things, I have a specific memory of speaking back at the teacher, not accepting and allowing her behaviour towards us as the students, which I took as diminishing us, seeing us as less, and I said something back, the teacher didn’t like it, and she reacted badly towards what I did.

As punishment, the teacher instructed me to write down on paper with a pen 100 times “to speak back to a teacher is wrong” and as I write it I had to speak it LOUD and CLEAR – and only once I completed writing that out 100 times and speaking it out loud and clear could I leave the classroom.

I eventually wrote out all 100 lines as I wanted to get out of the class, and to not be in the presence of this teacher. In my mind I laughed at the punishment, I thought it was stupid and useless, I thought this will not change anything within me, But, afterwards there was a scar within me, I tried to avoid it, but it was there, I could not pinpoint it as to what it was or remove it, but from that day I have not spoken up to a teacher in the way I did before, I had more fear, I had more self-judgment, I felt insecure to speak to people that has titles of “authority “and facing the consequences, I had a massive judgement within me of it being WRONG to speak back at someone, speaking up and being heard especially if they are seen as authority within me.

So, this worked? Even when I believed and thought it didn’t, that I was too strong for it to have any effect, yet, sitting there for a while writing out that sentence 100 times with my hand cramping and my brain hurting and my voice getting dry from saying it out loud and clear 100 times it had an effect.

Did the teacher know that it would work? Was the teacher aware of what she was doing to me? Did the teacher do this knowing how to program children? And that we are programmable and that’s how it is done?

I mean, since my process with Desteni, the key to deprogramming ourselves and to change and stand as LIFE is through writing, through applying self-forgiveness and then adding self-corrective statements as our living/correction, and within thus breathe and walk within practically applying ourselves daily, stopping the mind, thoughts and feelings and emotions.

At Desteni, this is done because we understand and see that we are programmable, and thus our nature can change, and thus we are able to create ourselves with the right tools, so here comes a teacher that Believes in God and that God is the creator of all things and that god is divine and all powerful and that free will exists and all that, yet this very same person used this technique on me that defies everything they believe in and it worked.

So – I can now also say that writing and speaking words truly is the key, now see and understand the power of the tools when it is applied in self-forgiveness, and we write and write and write in self-forgiveness and creating ourselves as LIVING words, as the living word as LIFE, if only a small moment of writing something out 100 times and speaking it loud and clear could have such an effect on me for a life-time, then now we can see how applying the tools of Desteni and how it is used as suggested DOES in fact have an effect, if we like it or not. It is a matter of consistency and to do it 100 times or more an every single point within ourselves or more till it is done.

This brought me to a very interesting statement that Jesus said in the bible about forgiveness, that we must forgive 70 times 7 a day, each and every day, which is 490 times of forgiveness a day, and this is and was even understood by Jesus and what we must apply more than 2000 years ago. No one has or is living this, not to mention for ourselves, not to mention on a daily basis, now you might ask, what am I going to forgive every day that much? Well, it is going to be yourself, your every thought, feeling or emotion, it is going to be YOU forgiving existence as yourself, thus all that is here to stand as life, one and equal, to drop all knowledge and information as the mind as consciousness as the false Idol/god, and to unveil what is here to be able to pass through the eye of the needle.

I will for myself as a test do here what I have done in that classroom, for myself, to forgive myself 100 times for one thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

(Middle lower back pain, to the right, muscle) (Shoulder pain, right side, and front, down to the elbow and into the forearm, muscle pain with bone tension)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

(Thoughts popping up, unconscious mind, agitation from others in my environment, projection, as I am getting agitated as I judge what the others are going through isn’t directed as I would have directed it)

(my body getting tense, as I feel I am wasting time, nothing is happening, nothing magical = mind protection mechanism, where the mind is addictive to experiences and thus not not feeling anything, and thus if the mind isn’t experiencing anything then it must mean nothing is happening, yet the physical is darkness, still, quiet, here)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

(left hand is warming up, while right hand is still cold, my left hand is specifically heating up from the small finger, where the hear is flowing up until the ring finger, then gradual heat is flowing all over my hand but not as warm as the small and ring finger, thus flowing is happening within those two areas)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation exists.

(tension all over my body now, as TIME has shown its face and thus I started rushing, as I am now running out of time to apply myself within this, the tension begins in the back, runs into my shoulders at the back and then restricts and tense up my entire chest area all the way down to my sixpack, thus the back tensing upwards and the front tensing as in cramping inwards)

Interesting.

Day 549 – Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the Mother construct within me as me being a child that belongs to another person, seeing and realizing that this mother construct within me and wanting to hold onto the idea that I belong to another person is keeping me form being my own person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother is more special than any other mothers in this world, and thus within this believe praise my mother and make me “special” and more than other children, creating and continuing the inequality within this world as ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mother construct within me as I fear that I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that I cannot possibly lose my mother unless I have self-interest points invested within her that only serves me and my will as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the love a mother and a child proclaim for one another ha got nothing to do with one another within this world as it is purely self-interest driven for survival and money in a world where fear drives everything, and as one can see within placing oneself within a perfect world where all is equally taken care of and has a guaranteed life of dignity on this planet that mothers and fathers and children will suddenly have no worries of fears of letting go of each other and living their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within making myself believe that a mothers love for a child has to be an emotional one, where the mother and child can manipulate each other and make sure each one is surviving in this world by leaching off one another, through using a secret system of debt, where the mother gave everything and now later on the child owns the mother everything, seeing and realizing that such emotional relationships is a disease of the current world system that forces people to be leaches for the sake of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my mother in her innocence in the sense that this world makes no sense and to within such a world create relationships of nonsense that isn’t best for all in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to take on and stand within this world that I require to keep such relationships on the emotional level with my parents for the sake of a safety net, seeing and realizing that keeping such a safety net is simply holding me back as there is a back door, knowing that if I keep an emotional relationship with my mother that she will still benefit from me as being her son as I am feeding her some sort of energy and thus she will at any time catch me when I fall, thus already creating the fall, yet seeing and realizing that a clear physical communication relationship within common sense can be established and kept, as such a relationship will be equal and one to all other relationships that is best for all life, and to stop the mind games once and for all and for each one to face themselves sooner than later till it is too late and we have sucked the life out of life and no one stood up for life as reality was/is still being kept in a veil for survival.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the facts/truth of what is here, we all die and after death no one is someone’s family or friends and that we are all one and equal and thus must already be walked this life and to not have to face the shame and regret in the afterlife for only protecting and keeping save one’s own “blood” and disregarding all other life as your entire family, on your home planet called earth, just for some emotional relationships that is kept in place for self-interest and to survive till death.

Day 547 – Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite, Self- Forgiveness

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having ever really finished something that I started doing and to always somewhere along the line either stop or just let it fade away into nothingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the experience of guilt due to how old I am now and how much I could have accomplished throughout my life if only I ever finished something I started and to within this have this wondering emotional body of what could have been if only I didn’t quit or stop or just let something fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this regret of not finishing something throughout my life build up anxiety and fear within me within what I am doing now, as I have over time only proven to myself that I cannot finish something that is long term and thus I haven’t yet established real dependent commitment within myself of myself as who I am within what I am doing as the starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for how I have taken on only her patterns and way of living and doing things, never going in fullheartedly and giving it my all no matter how long it takes and to push to the end till it is done, and to not do anything for energy as time has proven to me that energy as emotions/feelings/thoughts isn’t sustainable and thus cannot function within the physical reality and how things actually work within space and time and thus the process of manifestation/creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother for making me her favorite son and that I was placed under that pressure of having to always keep my mother happy and thus my focus became my mother and short term goals/achievement that always only kept my mother happy, seeing and realizing that this is me victimizing myself and blaming my mother as placing the responsibility onto her for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me accepting and allowing myself to take on that role as her son and to always wanting to please her, thus seeing and realizing my participation/creation within this role, where I also played a self-interest game of always getting my way to feel good and to manipulate and take chances/advantage of my position as being the favorite child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as much as my mother enjoyed me taking on the role of always pleasing her and being her favorite I also enjoyed it equally because I played the role and thus no one is to blame, and thus this means I must stand up from this design within me and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how not only did my mother place a certain role I must play over me and me accepting and allowing that, but how through me taking on that role I placed my mother within a certain role, where she had to always not seem or be happy, where my mother didn’t have to take self-responsibility for her own happiness/joy and thus we became dependent on each others characters to keep the show going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always do things in my live whereas the end result must be me pleasing my mother, making her happy, seeing and realizing that even after many years of not being home or in my mother’s presence there is still a resonant point within me where I hope that what I am doing is making my mother happy and proud and that no matter what I do will show my mother what I did and that she will smile and say I am happy my child, thus seeing and realizing that within this resonant point within me and my life I can never truly do anything for myself and to truly take self-responsibility as everything I do then will inherent this pattern that I have developed with my mother of not finishing something and only doing things to achieve a momentary feeling of achieving/completing/creating something but was only a milestone, not the end and run with that to my mother to show her she can be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the internal relationship I have created towards my mother within and as the fear of losing my mother and thus losing a part of me, seeing and realizing that my mother is her own person and that she has given me many many years of her life, as it was her responsibility as she brought me into this world and thus wasn’t a favor, it was her responsibility and thus also not something I own her, as I am grateful, but I am not in debt to her for doing so, that’s not how life is supposed to work otherwise we will always exist in debt on a personal level and a global level as the money system based on some fairness logic that does not exist and thus no one will ever get on with their lives and LIVE, yet she has her own life to continue living after me and to keep such a relationship within me and to sustain such a relationship toward my mother on a resonant level only keep us enslaved to this pattern of never truly living our own lives but keep waiting on each other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly let go of my mother as the energetic relationship that I have built with her over many years and that I haven’t given to myself MY life to live and to freely make choices that are truly my own and not based in bias where the bias is to secretly make my mother happy and to not disappoint her, and to truly develop myself for myself to be my utmost potential and do things that is in alignment with what makes my mother happy but to do things that I actually have genuine interest in, such as changing this god for saken world and do whatever it takes no matter if that makes my mother happy or not with what I must do, such as going against social conformity and brainwashing and calling out the bullshit in religion and not being the son she wants to to be just to keep her happy, but to free myself and her from this lifelong energetic bondage that is simply not serving either one, YET have a relationship with my mother is based on respect/honor and care/love based on the common ground of how all humans must be towards one another.

To be continued.

Day 546 - Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite

All throughout my life, or as far as I can remember, I never really “finished” something that I started, thus I never actually build a skill, I never really specialized in anything, I would always stop, or what I was busy with/doing would simply start fading away and I would just not be doing it anymore. This has been a pattern that I can see I have created and trapped myself within for a very long time and it is one of my most difficult patterns to work through. Because I developed a character that always starts something with a good and positive energy, even if this energy isn’t visible as in me looking exciting and all jumping around, but within myself there is this positive energy, where I have convinced myself and where I have within myself made a decision to do this, that I am going to not quit and finish this. So it has become quite a tricky pattern I have set up for myself to trap myself, because even within walking my process I seem to have simply modified and changed a few things here and there to make It “look” like I am starting something and finishing something, I am here referring to long term things.

Where did I develop this pattern and why? When I look at my childhood years and as I grew up, I didn’t necessarily have this pattern within me that I was living out back then, but something throughout my early years did give me this influence, impression on how to take things on – so here I am investigating my mother, because I see and saw that she had this exact same pattern, My mother was amazing at doing short term things like cleaning the house and doing all the quick odds things, which surprisingly I am as well, But she never did anything that was long term, so here I didn’t per say see my mother (the most influential person in my life back then) NOT finishing what she started, I just didn’t see her do anything that is long term, only short term things, thus My father who was the one doing the long term living such as working day in and out providing for us, was unseen, I was unable to learn that part from him, so I copied my mother’s short term living, where I always want satisfaction after each thing I do, preferable the same day or week.

And let me be clear, I didn’t even finish any PC games or PS2 games; I played them for temporary satisfaction, but never got the end, so this pattern wasn’t developed just in relation to doing “hard work” but also in relation to play and fun, anything that took time and patience, breathing, physical application, one plus one accumulating and end result.

But why did I take on this pattern from observing my mother but for example my older brother didn’t to my extent, neither did my younger brother? Well this is the cold hard truth of family dynamics and what takes place within families, that as the middle child or three boys, I was Favorited by my mother and I knew this, and thus I wanted to copy and be just like my mother, this in a way gave my brother space to NOT be influenced by my mother as much as I was, so they had space to find different role models, or develop more of an independent view of reality and what they want to do.

My focus was on being my mother’s son, which meant I had to copy her in ways that would make me more like her, thus being her favorite even more, I never considered ANY of the physical and developmental consequences that would manifest within myself and thus my life through these actions, because as a child I was totally free from the responsibilities of what exist outside of school and home and those kind of long term responsibilities weren’t really placed within me through education or anyone to really understand where my focus should be in developing myself, thus I did focus all my time and energy and development on “energy, feelings, emotions, highs and lows” and develop myself in an energetic way that fit my current childhood years and to survive at home and school, but once I had to go out into the world, what happened? My mother was removed from the equation and I was left with myself with all these behaviors and patterns that had No use in the long run, and did not support me constructively to develop and enhance myself effectively to be my utmost potential.

So I became a Jack of many/all trades, I have many skills, but they all end at some point, I am great at my short term skills, in fact amazing, but pushing them into a long term point and it becomes a problem, because energy only stretches so far.
To be continued with Self Forgiveness