Day 551 - Postponement Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as postponement, within the believe that today isn't the right time, that the right time isn't here, and to within this seeing for the right time, wait till tomorrow, or the day after, and to within this keep on postponing in the hope for the right time to show up, the right moment.

Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing a blog just because it is already a certain time of the day, to late or to early and to within this tell myself that tomorrow I will do two blogs to make up for this, and when tomorrow comes, the same pattern occurs, the same thought, the same reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone doing vlogs, that I have been jurning to do, waiting for the right time, the right atmosphere, the right light, and to within this make my actions, my participation dependent on the environment and hoping that the environment will magically just fit in with my schedule in my mind, instead of actually scheduling and making the right time, creating the environment through communication, through planning to do the vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications/reasons within my life to why I am postponing certain changes, changes within myself, within the believe that I am not ready yet, I cannot do this yet, I am not capable yet, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I do not deserve this change, mostly the time isn't right, the moment isn't right, I might as well remain the same for just today, tomorrow I will change, seeing and realizing that within this point of postponement there exist no such thing as the right time, moment or place, it is all about me making decisions and living those decision, either bets for myself and all or not, and If I continue to postpone I will continue to remain the same - and there will never be a right moment/time, I will never be ready or be perfect to change, it must be done in the moment here and walk it, regardless of what the mind has to say, remain breathing in and as the physical and use the physical as the real cross reference

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into the mind regarding doing something that is HERE, like doing a blog/vlog, to stop and to breathe, to rather check my reality, ask around if I can do it or set up reality to do it after considering everything, now, check my schedule, and to then base my decision on what is HERE and not within the mind, I create my options, I make my time, I plan things, instead of throwing rocks in the bush thinking something will come out of it.

I commit myself to when and as I see a moment of change, to speak up, to stand, to direct or to intervene, or to be quite, to Stop and breathe, to check myself physically here and what is here, to not go into the mind as the reasons/excuses/justification for why I should or should not and to instead rely on the physical and to direct and move myself as the physical.

Day 544 – the fake Free Mind, reactive mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by events within my reality, instead of directing myself within the events that occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards a person suddenly asking me to help them with doing something, and to within this sudden moment find myself within my mind where I am wanting to say NO, because I believe I have limited time right in that moment as I have to get to do something else in that moment, YET when I look within my mind at what this something else is I have to get to doing, I cannot think of it, and thus I say YES to helping the person, and then after helping the person I find that I missed getting to a certain responsibility and to within this place the blame onto the other person, where I see within the “sudden” moment being asked for help, I should have slowed down and before saying yes out of being polite, I find out first what is in my schedule and to within this make a decision that is best for myself and the other person, such as helping them in the moment of making a time to help them out later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from responsibilities/commitments through living in a state of kind where I am “always available” as to be a good person, yet within this I am not being good to myself within developing trust and consistency within myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that by being “good” to others wherein I compromise myself I create blame towards everyone in my reality and thus later on develop self-hatred, as the self-hatred comes from me not honoring myself and taking care of myself and to rush into the mind as energy within moment of doing things, instead of slowing down and assessing within practicality and self-honestly the moment within ALL of my day that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear directing my day within things that I need to get done and do as I fear I will let others down who might have needed me or appreciated me helping them out, but instead I am helping myself, seeing and realizing that I have judged helping myself as a bad things, as being self-fish, yet the evidence is clear within the physical that if I do not help myself and take care of myself that in the long run what I do isn’t sustainable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-honest self-movement commitments/responsibly that is outside of the normal things of doing which is usually for “survival” and that is for world change through living in a state of mind during my day where I just react to my reality within doing things to be a “good “person for others just to feel good for a moment, seeing and realizing that if I remove the reactive state of mind within how I respond to people and my environment, then I can slow down and breathe and prioritize what I need to do and check myself self-honestly, if I have time to now or later to help someone and to first get that what I have to move and direct and to then make time to help the other person, thus removing the mind driven reactive moment and grounding it with slowing down and first checking, being okay with checking – unless it is an emergency moment, then I simply respond.

Thus where does it come from – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make changing the world within my personal capacity and within my expression at a global level through vlogging, blogging, socializing, writing, commenting, sharing, creating content, researching, educating, developing and more, as less important than the systematized enslavement designs that is in place and to within this always prioritize only what secures my survival and making that “important”, which means working daily for money and then in my free time do nothing to much but just enough to be “good”, and to within this create the state of a “free mind” that knows it should be doing other things that isn’t pre-programmed but can only happen through self-movement and giving time and direction to CREATE it but isn’t a MUST in my mind as there is still “choice” and to within this easily compromise myself through just reacting to my environment that works as a distraction from what needs to be done and placed into this world as a correction.

Day 538 – The believe that what I know is always inferior to what others know

I have done hundreds of presentation in the past two years of my life, from one on one presentation to family presentations to doing presentations for dozens of people at a time. I have found within doing all of my presentations that I am confident, I know what I am talking about, my presentations are always mind blowing. But, this is because the information I am sharing with the people is something they are kind of familiar about, it is about education and learning and developing a child to reach their utmost potential within education and the education system that is here. This is easy, because it is accepted by everyone and within their vocabulary, thus their current accepted and allowed believes and ideas and opinions and the brainwashing of the system as the “normal”. So what happens when I go beyond that, outside of that? I have tested this many times, the results aren’t what one would think or believe. 

To give more context where I am coming from, I have to mention the following – I am part of a group/movement called Desteni, and I have been walking with this group/movement for the past seven years a fascinating journey, one that is most unexpected, many that read this will already know about all of this, many will not, so this is for those that doesn’t know, and to put it short, within this journey I have changed drastically in many ways. The person I used to be cannot be compared to who I am now. I have walked this journey within self-forgiveness and practically applying the corrections, developing self-honesty and common sense, where I do all of this within the principle of oneness and equality, as this is the principle of the universe and we are HERE as everything that exist, thus co-creators of LIFE in fact, we are responsible for what was, is and will come, by walking this Journey we remove all separation within ourselves and to stand one and equal as life to be able to take on FULL self-responsibility for what is here in all parts of life and to enable ourselves to in fact move and direct our realities and thus reality to change what is here to be what is best for all life, stopping abuse of life and creating heaven on earth – this is all written in a very short context – so please do not assume anything, to continue.

So basically walking this process with Desteni, it is my life, the process and re-birthing self as life and taking responsibility for myself as LIFE – and this means no matter where I go or what I do, I am always busy practicing what I learned and implementing what I have realized and testing out everything for myself and keeping what is best for all life, this does NOT mean I go around preaching to people about Desteni or what I have learned from Desteni, this does not mean I go around and make noise about a group or movement, this means WHO I AM is a living expression of what I have walked with the group/movement, this means over the years many things has become natural to me, it has become who I am, so I cannot suppress or just deny it, and thus I speak about it, I share my story naturally, when people ask me or tell me things that they see, I respond from my expression, within self-honesty and common sense, speaking from what is best for all life, this means taking all life into consideration and responding in equality to where each person is at, and always only what I have walked and realized for myself.

So obviously, EVERYONE I meet in this world belongs to a group or movement, may it be religious, and may it be just something “spiritual” or not, every person belongs to some group/movement, everyone has their Idea/believes/opinions coming from somewhere, so this sometimes create conflict and resistance within conversations.

What I have found as a reason is because what people are saying from religious groups, or from spiritual groups or other movements, comes from a very long line of history, so no matter how ridiculous or insane or non-sensical it may sound, it always is “right” – because it has been taken and seen as right for so long, and what I say or share or give perspective on coming from what I have learned and realized through walking my process with Desteni is so NEW, it is seen as just not acceptable, because it is so different – YET makes so much sense, and no one ever denied the common sense, it is always just a resistance or reaction.

In the past, I have given into these resistances and reactions, and actually for a while didn’t share or open up about me and what I stand by, just like how everyone else stand by something, no difference, just different in the message and the application, but I somehow gave power to the other peoples movements/groups and what they preach and say, as if it is more powerful and has more value and that it is more right, just because it is accepted by everyone with ease and comfort.

SO I realized an interesting point, why do people that is within other movements/groups as religion and spiritualism or just causes, so easily accepted each other being here and what they believe in and not resisted within what they say or preach? A side note, YES everyone has haters and people that goes against them, that’s kind of natural, but in general society, if a Christian and a Muslim or Atheist walk together in the same store, they are fine and KNOWING that what each one believe in is different and not the same, yet are okay, feeling some security, and that they are simply 100% okay with what they have as their group/movement within them, and they will preach and wear different cloths to show and display their groups/movements and they will with honor and pride share their principles and believes and everything that goes with it if asked. So the point that I had to investigate is why I am making what I am walking and living as weird and different within ME as and from my group Desteni, and thus creating the response from the outside world exactly what I am experiencing and expecting. And I came the one simple answer – FEAR, Fear of being different and not making it OKAY within me just like how ALL the other groups are doing it, and thus each group just respect each others believes so to say, sure there are global wars in the name of religion, but here in SA, everyone and every religion works together and live together, so I am coming from my reality/perspective as a cross-reference.

So I am applying what I live within what I am living to investigate my actions, where I feel I must keep myself secret and what I do, fear that what I have to say is less valuable or inferior to what others are saying and preaching, just because what they are saying or preaching has been here for thousands of years and so done within confidence.

I will write more on this point to come.

Day 498 – slowing down – the way of the turtle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider slowing down during my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning with a rush inside of me, a rush in the fear of not getting to everything that I need to do, or believe I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use energy to manipulate myself into movement to get to everything that I need to do, or believe that I need to do.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I use energy to create a rush within me to manipulate me to move myself to get things done, seeing and realizing that this manipulation that is driven by fear is a form of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I am within energy that is of fear/anxiety/stress that I am using these energies to manipulate me into moving and doing what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the reason for this energy manipulation is because I have a resistance to what I need to do, and thus I use force such as fear to rush me to do it, NOT seeing and realizing that the rush within me to move me is showing me a point where I haven’t corrected my relationship towards something within my reality within me, the nature of the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within all the points in my reality where I have established a relationship within me of a “need to do it” – and thus the relationship is against me and what I want to do, and so create friction, where I have made it about what I do instead of who I am within what I do, thus using energy as a force to force me to do it, creating a rush, so that I can rush through it and just get it over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Keep myself within this rush mode, never slowing down to actually have time, or a moment to check myself, who I am within the moment and why I am experiencing myself the way I am in each breath and to re align it, to change my relationships in my reality within me.

I thus forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within slowing down I am able to actually see what is here within using breathing as a grounding tool/earthing myself, where I can slow everything down and catch the thoughts and energies that is directing me, and to take direction/authority of me and change my relationship within myself within/towards what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing down will make me lose time and not get to everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect slowing down within and without in my reality that I will not be productive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect negative opinions/believes/ideas to slowing down and being slow within my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I slow down I will be late for something,, seeing and realizing that this is an irrational fear as all fear is irrational, as slowing down within me can be present at all times, even if I am running, and that is the point of slowing down I need to focus on, and to not miss inform myself based on ideas/opinions/believes but to remain practical in a living manner, but to always check that I am quit within me and still like water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear facing myself when moving slow as who I am within all relationships within me and thus my reality, as I know moving slow will give me time to see and to get real and make real changes that are being avoided within myself and outside of myself by moving fast within me and thus outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from myself and my reality by living fast, I commit myself to always check myself and to slow down and take a breath and keep breathing, to take a slow phase within me and to stop the abusive patterns that isn’t best for me or for all, and to change these patterns by bringing my awareness to them and to be direct with myself.

Day 366 - a Schedule for Time Management.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist putting up a schedule on how to spend my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating a schedule is a form of limitation, seeing and realizing that creating a schedule is a way of expanding self to do more, and to breathe more and to be here in and as the physical, as a schedule will challenge actual self-movement to do things that needs to be done over the brainwashing that moves oneself all the other times as how one feels, and thus a schedule is a support to become physical movement and to not be moved by brainwashing/limitations of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that schedules does not work as it determines on me actually doing it, and if I do not keep to the schedule then it is useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of following a schedule on a daily basis because of past experiences of schedules never working out as things always change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a schedule is a MUST do all the time, instead of seeing and realizing that a schedule is a guideline that I can follow, to not waste time, and that when and as things do maybe change then it is flexible, but that it is always to go back to the schedule and follow through and to not ignore it just because one things on the schedule did not work out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist creating a schedule for myself because I judge it as telling myself that I am ineffective because I am reliant on a schedule, seeing and realizing that it is because of my effectiveness that I am creating a schedule and thus being effective within such an action, and to not make a schedule I am actually being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that schedules are for losers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that schedules are for people with no will power, seeing and realizing that it takes will power and courage to create a schedule and to stick to one as possible as one can.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear that once I have a schedule that I will have no time to waste around on doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any time when and as I will be following a schedule all the time to use my time instead of just having the time to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future projections of what it will be having a schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about making a schedule instead of making a schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and think about making a schedule and within that make assumption and ideas and opinions and beliefs about schedules instead of making one and doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT discipline myself within moving myself within effectiveness and what I can actually do once I have a schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that once I have a schedule that i will not have time to waste in my mind thinking and instead I will be busy and doing things all the time that is productive.

I commit myself to create a schedule tomorrow and to start with my schedule tomorrow and to follow through on the schedule tomorrow and to not thing about it and to not postpone it and to stop the thoughts and back chat about it and to actually walk a schedule for myself to bring self-discipline, where the mind does not decide for me what to do as I feel, but where I move as the physical do what is next and to get it done.

I commit myself to when and as I get home from work tomorrow to go to my room and to sit down and to create a schedule that works within the time that I have and within placing all the things on the schedule that matters.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into postponement or resistance of creating a schedule to stop and to breathe and to stand up and to move myself and to do what need to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am overloading myself within my schedule to start off with all the basic things first that I usually always do and then to add what else I can fit in within the time available that is practical and the common sense thing to do within my process within my self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not keeping to my schedule to sit down and to write and to see where it is that I am giving into the mind and to thoughts and to stop and delete the shit, the brainwashing as it will show me when I am unable to do the schedule that I am clearly in the mind as brainwashing and pre-programming, because It is moving and directing me according to feelings/emotions/thoughts instead of me moving as breathe as the physical.