Day 685 - Self Honesty

The first time I was made aware of the concept of self-honesty (as it was still only a concept for me back then) was way back in 2007 through Bernard Poolman and the Desteni Process and message. This concept of self-honesty seemed so simple, be honest with yourself.

It turned out to not be as simple as I would have expected, I had a few points within me where I deceived myself with what self-honesty means, first was how I have defined the words self and honesty, and secondly, who is this self that is being honest?

So, as I started walking my journey to life process, I had to dig into this self, who am I, and I had to really face myself in many ways, in all thoughts, words and deeds, as who I was as a MIND consciousness system, as I as the living being was practically not here. My daily living was MENTAL, I would live and follow and believe every thought, every emotion, every reaction that came up within me, I would believe ideas and images of myself and try and live those ideas and images. 

So how could I have been self-honest in any way if I as the self in self-honesty was a MENTAL living being that follows thoughts, ideas, opinions and believes that are of the nature of the mind as ENERGY, always following energy - also known as the EGO, E = energy, and GOing there (E-GO).

This meant I had to apply certain very specific tools to STOP this EGO of a mental nature that I have accepted and allowed of myself since birth, I had to as THE MIND delete my mind one memory, one experience at a time, purifying myself.

The tools are that of writing, of writing self-forgiveness, and in general as I live daily, when I can, speak self forgiveness in times of a MENTAL state, such as when I was in thoughts, reactions, in an emotional or feeling energetic experience to release myself from that to be here.

The biggest parts that supported in this journey was purifying and understanding the WORDS I was living and how I was using the words in my mind, as my thinKING, as that then translated into my living, this also meant I had to re-educate myself, I had to take the time to learn something completely new, and this was the message of Desteni through the Portal, and in general all the research and sharing of other individuals and their processes.

The process of living self-honesty is a process of self-realization, and this does not mean we sit and think and see a different dimension of a point within us and go OH, there is self-honesty (that is still part of the process) but, NO, that is still just knowledge and information as a seeing within ones mind, there has to be a self-realization, this means it is integrated as self and self is living it, thus the journey and process of living self-honesty must be through ACTION and applying the tools, applying the self-honesty instantly as a self-realization, I have realized this, as the only parts of me that I actually changed, as who I am has been through self realization and when I speak as that living of the self-realization, I am living self-honesty.

Yet, the process in self-honesty is different for everyone on many levels within themselves and their lives as their position and location, YET, not so different, as we are all the same in many ways, and we do not have to "go on our own" to walk our process as self-honesty, that is part of the dishonesty within self, as within self honesty and realization, you realize there is no on your own, it is an illusion for self to abuse and be in ones mind without revealing your secrets to others and facing yourself with accountability - this reality is ONE, we must walk as equals to get this world to a place that is best for all. this brings in the next point.

I have in the past lost and to a degree forgotten quit a few times as I was occupied and obsessed with my own process about a very important part of walking this process, that I must walk it within PRINCIPLE, and this is a key to this process, without principle we are deceiving, we are self-dishonest, what is anything in this world if it does not have principles?

So what is the Principles I live by, or lets rather ask, what is the ONLY principles worth living by in this existence, and I would say, Desteni clarified that, and the main Principle is Always live what is best for all LIFE, and this in self-honesty should push one to not just live your life and think I am doing what is best for all life, not while all life is suffering, then your life and living it alone within just your process is dishonest, especially if you are a very capable intelligent human being within money and resources.

Sure, if your life and situation is going through a difficult time, focus on stabilizing yourself and your reality, yet do not get stuck in that position and location once it is sorted, move forward, move within PRINCIPLE and let it guide you within self-honesty. I know when I am lying to myself and telling myself, this is all I can do, this is where I am now settling down, if anyone can settle down this life with what is HERE as all life on this earth currently, that is self-dishonesty.

You can walk your own inner process and you can at the same time do something about this world, in fact it can compliment eachohter as each one will face themselves even more, the reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions of having to work with other human beings as mirrors of self, and this is a great opportunity, as long s we avoid GROUP effort to to do anything within this world practically and with common sense and basic math, then we are avoiding ourselves.

We avoid having to do anything with other people as we fear our own back chat and secret minds and thoughts towards others and thus our own reaction, thus we have already failed in doing anything as we KNOW ourselves to not be walking our processes effectively in self forgiveness to stop our minds and back chat to actually effectively come together this one life time to sit down, talk and come to a GROUP movement as what is best for all life as the guiding principle and thus how to change things within this system as how it is now, to let go of our IDEAS of what is right or wrong and to really be a BEAST to take on the system as ourselves.

Just like how I had to as the MIND start my process, as my mind forgiving my mind, We will have to as a SYSTEM within this SYSTEM take on this system and change this system, NO one can start from a pure and correct way, it is dishonest if you think so and live in an alternate reality, you will have to be evil at first to take on the evil and you will need your process and peers to support each other all the way. writing publicly is a great way of checking yourself and being checked, and specifically writing in self forgiveness.

The world is full of enough OPINION pieces - we who can read this and understand this, must take our positions and locations and apply what we know, living it, giving it, as the time for this is NOW. repetition is Key, Discipline is not what you desire, it is what is needed to be done and you Breathe and do it. 

Day 639, 32 words –DISCONNECTED word 3

At first, when I read this word there was no attraction towards the word to work with it, to explore the word. I looked at it and I saw nothing. This is where my Desteni tools kicked in, I slowed down and breathed and looked at the word instead of just scrolling past it with my eyes looking for the next word, a word that I would have a “feelings” towards to work with.

As I paused and looked at the word and kept saying it to myself, DIS – CON – NECT – ED, still nothing came up. I placed a red flag, as I noticed that nothing was “coming up” I still sensed this kind of white barrier within me, I say white because that’s what comes to mind like there is something hidden, yet not hidden, and this word is behind that white barrier.

When I look at this barrier that comes up within me, I see that this IS the point of disconnected, as there should be NO barriers within me, as that is a disconnection within me from me. I am finding this quit “exciting” now as I am exploring this word, but not through the definition of the word or the sounding of the word as usual, but I am finding that I am actually finding the manifestation and living of this word within me, which has no feeling, no reference, as that is the implication of this word – Disconnected.

As I have disconnected me from something, then it is obvious that there is no connection to have a feeling, or emotion, or memory, or thought, or reference, or anything to come up within me to say YES!! This is the word I must work with, as there is something, the point of this word is that there should be nothing yet something, the nothing is that there is no connection, yet there not being a connection as a “problem” makes it something and not nothing.

So what am I disconnecting myself from? Wow, this is quite interesting, I have a slight resistance coming up now with a hint of anxiety arising as if I am surprising myself, yet at the same time I kind of already at a quantum time processed what it is, which is that I have disconnected me from ME. This ME is a part of who I am yet I disconnected myself from that part, I discarded it as not relevant within this world, and thus not relevant to me.

I will now go to the dictionary to find the definition of this word too.

DISCONNECTED:

having had a connection broken.

"he expected the disconnected phone to start ringing"

·         (of a person) lacking contact with reality.

"I drove away, feeling disconnected from the real world"

synonyms:

detached, separate, separated, divorced, cut off, isolated, dissociated, disengaged, removed, unconnected, unattached; apart "I drove away feeling disconnected from the real world"

·         (of speech, writing, or thought) lacking a logical sequence.

"a disconnected narrative"

When I look at the word Disconnected, I see IS Connected with a D in front of it – The D is like this white wall I described within me, the D is standing as a Denial, a denial that I am connected, IS connected. What am I standing within denial of within my reality, within REALITY as all that is here? That I am not connected/disconnected.

I am going to go back to self and see with my own eyes why I am living I denial of the fact that I am connected to all that is here, not in a spiritual way, but in a literal scientific way, not just in matter but in fact in actual current day to day events, happening and all that is actually going on, that I am in fact connected to it all, especially in my direct reality, I can see how within my direct reality I have points of abdicating involvement or playing a part In certain things that takes place, or how things move or are going and so I within myself disconnect myself from certain points moving to stand outside of it as an observer. I do this as I FEAR speaking or acting on certain points that are being moved and then having a hand within it, I fear this because I fear that if things within certain events and situations do not work out, that I will be connected to why and how things possible move. This is a position I take the belief that if I do not see the monsters then they will not harm me, a childhood belief.

Within the other part of the definition of the word disconnected it mentions is “lacking a logical sequence” – wow, I never knew the definition can be that specific in defining disconnected to attach this definition somehow to be relevant to logic, and then sequence, which is WORDS and making sense of reality.

This is something I have been struggling a lot within my reality, as my previous blog on articulate made it clear, and probably dozens of other blogs since 2012.

This makes the moments where I disconnect myself from reality/events/situations/circumstances and MYSELF much clearer – as I have never been able to place what I SEE or what I want to DO into a logical sequence to be able to ACTUALLY participate in a way that expresses me in my totality and to have the effect that I wanted, that was within me, that which I saw in fact, and so I within this simply disconnected myself and to rather have NO play. But what I am not seeing and realizing is that I am always a player, even if I am simply standing on the side and watching, listening and seeing, my very act of just standing there not saying a word, not moving a muscle is playing a role that affects the whole play ANYWAY.

Ok – time to slow down, as I have been writing out the phase of exploration above, I started developing this unrest within me in relation to this word – DISCONNECTED – a small feeling of sadness, a memory of childhood, a moment of breaking something within me, giving up, distancing myself from ME, a part of me, a part that I have seen useless, a part of me that I dug a hole for and put it in there and closed it up. I feel that this part of me was something that annoyed and burdened others and thus with this part I was ignored and shunned from reality, unless I killed this part of me, and I developed a HATE towards myself for being this way, having this trait, this expression that didn’t seem to fit in, this soft and kind part of myself, this caring and loving child.

Looking inside of self I see many memories popping up, many moments where I slowly started disconnecting myself, where I slowly started placing this white wall of an illusion within me, the illusion is that I believe I can disconnect myself, and I have been living within this illusion through living out the opposite of what I disconnected myself from within myself, outside of myself.

The memories/moments all took place at the age of 6 and 13. ALL these memories are specifically in relation to animals/nature – I want to jump to the statement of ‘ I have stopped caring for nature and animals as a true expression s society didn’t care and every time I cared no one cared and found me annoying and a burden when I requested action” but I will not jump to this conclusion of the memories – the memories were all with animals and very specific, but these events could have been in relation to anything else and still had the same effect, the effect where I stopped actually caring, where I stopped actually showing affection towards anything.

I have disconnected myself from the decision I have made where I chose the matrix over life and where I have abandoned life within me and so within this world, where I gave over my expression to that of a personality with multiple characters to survive, to fit in, to be cool, to get a girlfriend, to not be bullied, to not be seen as weird, to not be seen as the person that is different. I have killed my care through making that decision that is more important for me to survive and to let the animals/nature/life suffer and have no one be the voice for them, as I gave my voice away to a system instead, in my head.

Now, I see and realize that the past is the past, I cannot go back and regain the experience and expression I was as a child, as it is coming from a memory, and memories cannot be trusted. So, I see and realize I must WILLINGLY create myself to actually CARE, to DARE myself to be all that which I was afraid of and LIVE it, express it, to end self-interest and fear, as I see and realize that it is more valuable to have lived for real than to fake for survival, to stand for all than to just stand for myself, and to be different, weird, strange, and annoy and burden people with care is much better than to coward away in awareness of what is going on. Now, I am not saying preaching, I am not saying going into irrational actions of the mind as projections of images of what this must be like, I am stating and committing myself to start with myself daily, to implement this expression as me as my environment and from there I expand naturally, creating this real time, to realize my in fact connection, remove the illusion of disconnectedness and so all the fears.

A voice for and as LIFE, as I am connected in fact, not even connected, I am simply all here as one, now to bring inequality is the point I commit myself to stand as within all forms and shapes and all matters that actually matter.

You will not wish to hurt or destroy or kill - Desteni Process

 

“You will not wish to hurt or destroy or kill, for the creatures are your creations; they are your sons, your brothers, and you will love them as I do.”

Quote from: Translation of Tablet found in Gobi Desert

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for destruction, for killing and murder within this world, where by the fact that it exists and that I am not doing anything to stop anything of it, I am thus in the wish of it, and that reveals my self-interest as I wish this upon others and yet wish in return that I am not harmed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for others human being to die which I deem as not worthy of life or forgiveness due to acts they have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that those that are in power positions within this world would die so that life on earth can have a chance, Thus within this wish I am a killer myself, harming as they do and thus guilty as those I judge. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbour wishes within me of death to others within this world that I have judged within my mind, within my secret self as being abusers, and yet I deem myself not an abuser even when I have these wishful thoughts of murder. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if certain people die within this world that the world will be a better place, and so I wish for death, killing and destruction within this world, as the practical implication of my wish means riots, striking, and thus group mentality where people rise up in anger and become violent and thus harm, kill, murder and destroy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for others to die or be killed within the self-interest of that if they are killed before I am then I am save. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BELIEVE that killing, murder and destruction of other beings on this planet is normal, that it is just something that happens and takes place due to human nature, and so within this accept and allow human nature to continue without change within this believe, yet I am able to acknowledge my nature and thus I am able to change my nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I have thoughts, pictures and thinking occurring in my head for a moment of killing, destruction and murder or harm that it is innocent and that it has now effect on this reality, yet this reality is a direct reflection of who I am and what I accept and allow within me and thus I must be able to see that MY wish is MY command, even when I am not doing the things I have going on in my mind, LIFE is HERE and hearing and I am god, and Life as me is making my wishes come true, and thus I must stop, breath and forgive myself, to rebirth myself as LIFE as what is best for all life as myself so that I as life rather create what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Separate myself from the creatures that are here from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the creatures as all life forms that are here as separate from me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to even consider that what is here is MY creation and that me wishing to harm, kill or destroy what is here in any way what so ever is me seeking to destroy, harm and kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see what is here as MINE as life as all as one and equal in fact and that what is here on earth is MINE equal as it is everyone’s and everything’s as we are one and equal in fact and thus all equally responsible as GOD as LIFE as myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize that creation as what is here is all mine, I am it and it is me in fact, that I am god as all and everyone is god, and thus what is here is me and not separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that separation is possible, yet only in the mind is it possible, and thus easy to harm and kill and destroy what is here as I am not HERE as all that is here and thus not seeing and realizing that I am only harming myself, killing myself, destroying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see what is here as me in fact and within doing so I am able to abuse and misuse what is here within the justifications and reasoning of the mind of separation and fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize to LOVE all that is here is within my actions, my living and that to love all that is here is to love myself, that there is no separation and how I care for myself is thus how I care for all life one and equal in the living, in the flesh, and that no matter what is done or said, that I stand clear, that I do not stand in separation of those harming, destroying or killing, but that they are ME in fact and that I must help them as I would help myself in fact.