A moment with myself - Day 653

Business, I am in a state of business.

Everything is moving within me, outside of me.

I am thinking.

I have emotions within me belly.

I am busy on my PC with work.

Children are screaming around me,

I am also in constant communication with my colleagues about arrangement, things that needs to happen, meetings, chats.

I am thinking about what I still need to do today for tomorrow, the day after, to have things run smooth.

I feel anxious, stressed.

I find a focussed point, to moderate social media platform.

I move on it.

I still feel this emotional business within my belly.

I know, I cannot go further with this in my belly.

Slow down, way down.

I focus on the emotions in my belly, I call the emotions up

See the emotion, recognise it, feel it to know it.

Stop rushing and being busy as to run away from it.

I see, this emotion shows to me "survival".

I am in a state of fear of survival, not as to be in the bush with wild animals.

The survival is of myself, my reality, who I am as surviving within myself.

I see, all my actions would have been contaminated within this fear, thus not pure as my expression.

I stop. 

I stop everything I am doing in an appropriate moment considering all.

I give to myself silence, I forgive, as I can see.

I breathe through my nose, I relax my body.

As my breath move through my belly it breaks apart the emotions, it purifies it, I allow myself to unconditionally let go of the emotions, I give to myself a new clean slate forward.

I know I can stand and move through what ever comes, is, will be. 

I embrace what comes up within the emotions, I see it, and I see who I am within the fears.

I change within myself what I see myself as within the fears to be that which is the best of me, walking in reality, stability, not as fear, anxiety and insecureties. 

I write, I forgive, and I breathe.

There is nothing that anyone can do to me – repeat this daily as suggested by Bernard Poolman.

I then see and realize that all that is done to me is because of me so I see that, I realize that, therefor I stop, embrace silence – let go of fear, anxiety, stress, hopes, desires, expectations. Be here as reality always within the consideration of all life. No emotion needed, no feelings needed, only expression as self, direct here.  

Day 635 – 32 words, ARTICULATE part 1

Articulate - Having or showing the ability to speak fluently and coherently.

Coherently - (with reference to an argument, theory, or policy) in a logical and consistent way.
In a way that forms a unified whole.

To articulate myself, to express myself in a fluent, consistent way where my words as sentences forms a unified whole. The art of I/Me to place into words what I see within Me, one and equal.

I am basically only now familiarizing myself with this word. I have heard it before, a few times in my life, Each time I have heard of this word it was more in the sense of being a weakness of mine, I had to each time ask, what does this word mean? Someone would tell me, explain to me. I have found that I had a misalignment with this word within me each time.

The first misalignment I had within this word within me was that I believe that I must be intellectual to be articulate. This isn’t the case, as to be articulate within expressing myself, I simply have to slow Way down, look within me, see what is here within me before I speak on a certain point or matter, or respond to someone, but most important how I communicate with myself, and to within that kind of “sort” through the information/words to find the words that I do have and to place them in the best possible way to express to me/others what I see in words/sentences.

The weakness comes in where I RUSH, where I go into EMOTION/REACTION to speak either to myself or to others, within these moments as a reaction I scramble EVERYTHING within me, all information, and so the form the information takes is that of emotion, a mess of energy and words. I lose the sequence within me, or I lose the ability to place everything in a sequence as what I see.

My biggest challenge has always been to articulate myself in everything I see within me within what I am doing, or why I did certain things, or how I even think about things – how I process information within me.

This has been a challenge for me because of a certain believe that I have within myself that is the approach, the drive for HOW I articulate myself.

The Believe that SCRAMBLES the information within me comes from the belief that No one is hearing me or will hear me. Within this I go into the energetic experience of rushing to say what I want to say, to get it out, even if it is all mixed up and wrong, as long as I get to say this thing/point and get it out there. Within this approach I go into energy each and every time, I then go into reaction as fear, fear of not being heard.

When I take this back to myself as the origin of this point. I can see that I have played this out many times in my life, more than I count, where I go into this fear of not being heard (thus fear of not being taken serious, being taken into consideration) and now I need to look at how am I not articulating myself to myself, how I communicate to myself.

I am looking at this point right now – I see that I rush everything with myself, I do not give myself the time and space to actually sit down and to look at information, or to get more information if needed, to have a sequence, to have a unified whole in what I am looking at within myself to understand myself, and thus to work better with ME as who I am, I have LOST value within myself, I have come to see myself as not worthy to spend the time and efforts on me.

I have slight memories coming up where I am a child, where I wasn’t given moments to express me and to develop the proper words to express me. I see myself surrounded by adults that saw me as less, and what I had to express was simply a fleet of a moment of a child that has nothing important to share, I am just this child that wants to distract and take time from the adults, my observations, stories and experiences I wanted to share wasn’t important, the adults gave me maybe 50% of their attention, then they had to be busy again, get back to what they were doing. I was left with this experience, not knowing what to do with it. To adjust myself to the behaviour of the adults, I had to RUSH myself, I had to quickly share something to be heard or to get direction, I would now rather share through speaking quickly, I would become emotional and try my best to simply get it out.

This didn’t have an effect much, as the adults just gave a nob, a quick answer, they confirmed to me that they have given me a fleeting moment of their time with a smile and a word, not any real support, no clarifying and no understanding, no actual participation.

Through this over time I started giving up on sharing my stories, sharing my experiences and to articulate them openly and making it known, I did not develop an effective way of articulating within me the information as the feedback was limited to adjust and enhance myself. I started following the Emotions, where I acted on how I feel instead, how I reacted, I started trusting the energy within me how to move and direct myself, what to say and how.

This over time has given me the classification of being spontaneous in my actions, and random, it inspired people, I was given praise for being spontaneous, being random and at times even given a label of being charismatic, because everything I did and do comes from emotion/feeling, no actual structure, no unified holistic approach where everything I do makes sense, as I could never make sense of anything really. I had to follow what I feel and how I feel things and somehow through my actions express that as it was here.

I do see that it is a strong point, and why so many enjoyed me being that way, but deep down there was actually a cry for structure, for direction, for something stable to build on, which would have been the ability to articulate, to take the information I have and to place it in a sequence, where things could have steps, and outcomes that could have been planned better and where I could actually have had the ability to make sense of what’s going on in me and not assume everything as emotion, as fear, as stress and anxiety.

I see and realize that I must focus on forming the information within me in a way where I can make sense of it, where it is practical, common sense and best for all, thus me, where I can actually apply and LIVE this word within everything I do, to stop and forgive the energy that I have become addicted to, to move myself as, I have come to TRUST the energy/emotions and feelings as I have never lived articulate. My life has been very inconsistent within me, which is chaos and no plausible change that can be shown in a consistent way, even when I have the change, that change is also just a mess within me and thus I find myself unable to share it.

It was actually on the point of me wanting to SHARE myself more in videos and blogs on all the things I have faced, walked and changed and I realized I had this bloc, this energy that keeps coming up, that throws me way off and whatever I wanted to share never really came through, and I always referred in my blogs and vlogs to the point of being spontaneous and charismatic. This left me disappointed and feeling incomplete after each blog of vlog, as I knew it could have been powerful, but instead it ended up being this blob of energy.

I started this 32 words challenge as I see this will be good for me to start applying the word articulate within myself with each word that is within the list I have created. To express and share me within it.

I will do what I usually do not do, I will spend the TIME to write each blog, to give me the opportunity, and google, to google the words.

Focus, Silence and Interruptions – inner eruption

 

Silence, focus, sudden noise, interruptions, inner eruptions take place, reactions flow over, shouting, screaming, controlling, dominating, then quite, silence and focus.  

A For self awareness I suggest starting this series of interviews here
Click on the name - Self Awareness steps for the Elite - Introduction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot focus when I do not have silence within my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the rule of that I can only focus when I have silence within my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by sound/noise within my environment when and as I am busy with something particular that requires my focus. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from FOCUS and to thus make focus a thing out there that I must obtain and so within this create certain rules and setups where I believe only once those specific rules and setups are in place, such as silence, that only then I can focus, and thus within this imply that I am never focussed or the directive principle within my every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that focus is something I must practice and so I seek and want to obtain the right environments where there is NO distractions for me to train and practice my focus within what I am doing, and thus within this rule I have made for myself I will always fail as noise will always be here and not seeing and realizing that practicing my focus within specific conditions limits my focus to those specific conditions and thus the practice will never leave those specific conditions unless I drop all conditions and walk focus as me in each and every breathe and to stop the distractions within me as the thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within me when I feel someone else is fucking with my focus by making noise/sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone within my reality comes to me to get my attention while I am busy with something I need to focus on, to lose focus almost immediately and to within this access anger and frustration and so within this act out the anger and frustration where I now attempt to control my reality through my sound and behaviour to get control of my environment to once again have focus and to focus on what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that focus is ME as breath in each and every breath and thus no matter what comes within my reality, that according to the mind as energy should trigger me and or distract me, to remain focussed on the breathing, not necessarily on what I am doing, as what I am doing mustn’t determine who I am, and so I see and realize that as long as any energy moves within me and not me as Breathe clear and here, then I am already not focussed and only deluding myself in the silence I believe helps me focus which is a mind focus, focussing energy which can always be disturbed and thus have a short fuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate focus from Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate discipline from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate self-responsibility from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate flexibility from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate Care from breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate ME from breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Breath is here as each and every breath is all that is here as everything that is here and thus to not breathe is to walk in conflict with what is here as reality, where the mind is finding ways to be within a polarity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully embrace breath as the solution and to from within and as breath walk HERE as life and to direct me as breath in each and every given moment as breath and not to accept and allow the mind to direct me here into polarities as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek silence outside of me, when breath is silence within and as me and thus nothing outside of me can change anything within me, as there must be nothing with me but breath/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate focus as the word focus from and as me as my breath, and within so doing seek focus outwards, and so always running after focus and moments and specific setups/environments never finding focus or silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment for me not being able to focus, and thus not see and realize that the blame that come up is due to how I am experiencing myself within the moment of feeling disturbed which is anger, frustration and thus it is within me that the disturbance is taking place and that is what needs to be changed.  

On Blame, check it out here -> Blame: The Hidden Nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel someone isn’t considering me and or my environment when and as I want to focus to get upset and angry and to within a second, without notice, tone my voice and shut down any disturbances using my reality and circumstances as a reason and excuse for why and how I can act out my frustration or anger that I experience within me and to then have what I see as control of my environment as to control what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I act out my anger and frustration to have silence to be able to focus, and through this control my environment that I will in return create an angry and frustrated environment/people as they will pick up on what I am experiencing through my behaviour and voice, thus I see and realize that I must clear and fully take responsibility for any and all experiences within me till nothing moves within me and to commit myself to NOT speak or say anything as long as there is an energy within me and to focus on ME as breath here first and foremost, even if this means NEVER saying anything again, as it will or might not ever be necessary when I have taken and realized my creation of me as this point and thus focus is me and silence is me as Breathe and no blame or anger or frustration can exist.

To learn more on Feelings, emotions and thoughts I suggest starting this series on the Atlanteans -  

 Click here to start - > Atlanteans - The Beginning - Part 1