Day 549 – Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the Mother construct within me as me being a child that belongs to another person, seeing and realizing that this mother construct within me and wanting to hold onto the idea that I belong to another person is keeping me form being my own person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother is more special than any other mothers in this world, and thus within this believe praise my mother and make me “special” and more than other children, creating and continuing the inequality within this world as ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mother construct within me as I fear that I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that I cannot possibly lose my mother unless I have self-interest points invested within her that only serves me and my will as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the love a mother and a child proclaim for one another ha got nothing to do with one another within this world as it is purely self-interest driven for survival and money in a world where fear drives everything, and as one can see within placing oneself within a perfect world where all is equally taken care of and has a guaranteed life of dignity on this planet that mothers and fathers and children will suddenly have no worries of fears of letting go of each other and living their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within making myself believe that a mothers love for a child has to be an emotional one, where the mother and child can manipulate each other and make sure each one is surviving in this world by leaching off one another, through using a secret system of debt, where the mother gave everything and now later on the child owns the mother everything, seeing and realizing that such emotional relationships is a disease of the current world system that forces people to be leaches for the sake of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my mother in her innocence in the sense that this world makes no sense and to within such a world create relationships of nonsense that isn’t best for all in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to take on and stand within this world that I require to keep such relationships on the emotional level with my parents for the sake of a safety net, seeing and realizing that keeping such a safety net is simply holding me back as there is a back door, knowing that if I keep an emotional relationship with my mother that she will still benefit from me as being her son as I am feeding her some sort of energy and thus she will at any time catch me when I fall, thus already creating the fall, yet seeing and realizing that a clear physical communication relationship within common sense can be established and kept, as such a relationship will be equal and one to all other relationships that is best for all life, and to stop the mind games once and for all and for each one to face themselves sooner than later till it is too late and we have sucked the life out of life and no one stood up for life as reality was/is still being kept in a veil for survival.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the facts/truth of what is here, we all die and after death no one is someone’s family or friends and that we are all one and equal and thus must already be walked this life and to not have to face the shame and regret in the afterlife for only protecting and keeping save one’s own “blood” and disregarding all other life as your entire family, on your home planet called earth, just for some emotional relationships that is kept in place for self-interest and to survive till death.

Day 547 – Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite, Self- Forgiveness

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having ever really finished something that I started doing and to always somewhere along the line either stop or just let it fade away into nothingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the experience of guilt due to how old I am now and how much I could have accomplished throughout my life if only I ever finished something I started and to within this have this wondering emotional body of what could have been if only I didn’t quit or stop or just let something fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this regret of not finishing something throughout my life build up anxiety and fear within me within what I am doing now, as I have over time only proven to myself that I cannot finish something that is long term and thus I haven’t yet established real dependent commitment within myself of myself as who I am within what I am doing as the starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for how I have taken on only her patterns and way of living and doing things, never going in fullheartedly and giving it my all no matter how long it takes and to push to the end till it is done, and to not do anything for energy as time has proven to me that energy as emotions/feelings/thoughts isn’t sustainable and thus cannot function within the physical reality and how things actually work within space and time and thus the process of manifestation/creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother for making me her favorite son and that I was placed under that pressure of having to always keep my mother happy and thus my focus became my mother and short term goals/achievement that always only kept my mother happy, seeing and realizing that this is me victimizing myself and blaming my mother as placing the responsibility onto her for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me accepting and allowing myself to take on that role as her son and to always wanting to please her, thus seeing and realizing my participation/creation within this role, where I also played a self-interest game of always getting my way to feel good and to manipulate and take chances/advantage of my position as being the favorite child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as much as my mother enjoyed me taking on the role of always pleasing her and being her favorite I also enjoyed it equally because I played the role and thus no one is to blame, and thus this means I must stand up from this design within me and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how not only did my mother place a certain role I must play over me and me accepting and allowing that, but how through me taking on that role I placed my mother within a certain role, where she had to always not seem or be happy, where my mother didn’t have to take self-responsibility for her own happiness/joy and thus we became dependent on each others characters to keep the show going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always do things in my live whereas the end result must be me pleasing my mother, making her happy, seeing and realizing that even after many years of not being home or in my mother’s presence there is still a resonant point within me where I hope that what I am doing is making my mother happy and proud and that no matter what I do will show my mother what I did and that she will smile and say I am happy my child, thus seeing and realizing that within this resonant point within me and my life I can never truly do anything for myself and to truly take self-responsibility as everything I do then will inherent this pattern that I have developed with my mother of not finishing something and only doing things to achieve a momentary feeling of achieving/completing/creating something but was only a milestone, not the end and run with that to my mother to show her she can be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the internal relationship I have created towards my mother within and as the fear of losing my mother and thus losing a part of me, seeing and realizing that my mother is her own person and that she has given me many many years of her life, as it was her responsibility as she brought me into this world and thus wasn’t a favor, it was her responsibility and thus also not something I own her, as I am grateful, but I am not in debt to her for doing so, that’s not how life is supposed to work otherwise we will always exist in debt on a personal level and a global level as the money system based on some fairness logic that does not exist and thus no one will ever get on with their lives and LIVE, yet she has her own life to continue living after me and to keep such a relationship within me and to sustain such a relationship toward my mother on a resonant level only keep us enslaved to this pattern of never truly living our own lives but keep waiting on each other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly let go of my mother as the energetic relationship that I have built with her over many years and that I haven’t given to myself MY life to live and to freely make choices that are truly my own and not based in bias where the bias is to secretly make my mother happy and to not disappoint her, and to truly develop myself for myself to be my utmost potential and do things that is in alignment with what makes my mother happy but to do things that I actually have genuine interest in, such as changing this god for saken world and do whatever it takes no matter if that makes my mother happy or not with what I must do, such as going against social conformity and brainwashing and calling out the bullshit in religion and not being the son she wants to to be just to keep her happy, but to free myself and her from this lifelong energetic bondage that is simply not serving either one, YET have a relationship with my mother is based on respect/honor and care/love based on the common ground of how all humans must be towards one another.

To be continued.

Day 546 - Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite

All throughout my life, or as far as I can remember, I never really “finished” something that I started, thus I never actually build a skill, I never really specialized in anything, I would always stop, or what I was busy with/doing would simply start fading away and I would just not be doing it anymore. This has been a pattern that I can see I have created and trapped myself within for a very long time and it is one of my most difficult patterns to work through. Because I developed a character that always starts something with a good and positive energy, even if this energy isn’t visible as in me looking exciting and all jumping around, but within myself there is this positive energy, where I have convinced myself and where I have within myself made a decision to do this, that I am going to not quit and finish this. So it has become quite a tricky pattern I have set up for myself to trap myself, because even within walking my process I seem to have simply modified and changed a few things here and there to make It “look” like I am starting something and finishing something, I am here referring to long term things.

Where did I develop this pattern and why? When I look at my childhood years and as I grew up, I didn’t necessarily have this pattern within me that I was living out back then, but something throughout my early years did give me this influence, impression on how to take things on – so here I am investigating my mother, because I see and saw that she had this exact same pattern, My mother was amazing at doing short term things like cleaning the house and doing all the quick odds things, which surprisingly I am as well, But she never did anything that was long term, so here I didn’t per say see my mother (the most influential person in my life back then) NOT finishing what she started, I just didn’t see her do anything that is long term, only short term things, thus My father who was the one doing the long term living such as working day in and out providing for us, was unseen, I was unable to learn that part from him, so I copied my mother’s short term living, where I always want satisfaction after each thing I do, preferable the same day or week.

And let me be clear, I didn’t even finish any PC games or PS2 games; I played them for temporary satisfaction, but never got the end, so this pattern wasn’t developed just in relation to doing “hard work” but also in relation to play and fun, anything that took time and patience, breathing, physical application, one plus one accumulating and end result.

But why did I take on this pattern from observing my mother but for example my older brother didn’t to my extent, neither did my younger brother? Well this is the cold hard truth of family dynamics and what takes place within families, that as the middle child or three boys, I was Favorited by my mother and I knew this, and thus I wanted to copy and be just like my mother, this in a way gave my brother space to NOT be influenced by my mother as much as I was, so they had space to find different role models, or develop more of an independent view of reality and what they want to do.

My focus was on being my mother’s son, which meant I had to copy her in ways that would make me more like her, thus being her favorite even more, I never considered ANY of the physical and developmental consequences that would manifest within myself and thus my life through these actions, because as a child I was totally free from the responsibilities of what exist outside of school and home and those kind of long term responsibilities weren’t really placed within me through education or anyone to really understand where my focus should be in developing myself, thus I did focus all my time and energy and development on “energy, feelings, emotions, highs and lows” and develop myself in an energetic way that fit my current childhood years and to survive at home and school, but once I had to go out into the world, what happened? My mother was removed from the equation and I was left with myself with all these behaviors and patterns that had No use in the long run, and did not support me constructively to develop and enhance myself effectively to be my utmost potential.

So I became a Jack of many/all trades, I have many skills, but they all end at some point, I am great at my short term skills, in fact amazing, but pushing them into a long term point and it becomes a problem, because energy only stretches so far.
To be continued with Self Forgiveness

Day 423 - Father to Be Part 3 commitments

Continueing from Day 422 - Father and my Baby Part 2

When and as I see that I am anticipating the birth date of my baby, I stop, I breathe and I focus here on the moment, as I see and realize that anticipation practically has no purpose but to make me jumpy and stressful and thus influencing my actions/words and thoughts which then has an equal and one influence on everything I do in the meantime and thus when the moment comes when it comes I will not be effective or direct within the situation, seeing and realizing that what’s best for all and thus me Is to breathe and let go of any and all experiences as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I commit myself to remain practical, within giving myself a practical script to stand and live by when and as the moment arrives that the baby is ready to come, and to script this practical moment within common sense and to then let go of the Idea/Belief/opinions about the moment in the future as a projection and to bring my focus back here.

When and as I see that I am resisting to say “my baby” I stop and I breathe and I let go of the energy as a negative experience as my own self judgment to saying those words and I breathe and say the words My baby within the starting point of remaining practical as the words are simply referring to my baby, the being that I am responsible for, and thus not possess as I made it up in my mind.

When and as I see that I am finding it unbelievable that I have a baby – I stop, I breathe – seeing and realizing that it isn’t a matter of belief or changing my belief about the facts in my head of me having a baby, as facts are facts and thus I must bring myself out of Belief as the mind and BREATH and be here within and as the Physical, focusing on what is here as the physical as me here with a baby.

When and as I see that I am participating within my mind within a belief of me being a father – I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself for making it a matter of belief instead of seeing that it’s a matter of fact and that’s what matters.

Thus committing myself to write and explore the moment where I am within a belief of myself of being a father and why and how I have created the belief and why I am participating within such limitation instead of breathing and being here as the living principle of what’s best for all life.

When and as I see that I am engaging within a system of beliefs within myself of myself or from the world as to what it means or must mean to be a father – I stop, I breathe – seeing and realizing that what the system or what I have been taught about what a father must be and that has formed my belief/disbelief of myself about becoming a father isn’t effective or best for all life, as this system Belief of what a father must be has never produced children that becomes the adults that produces the world as it is currently as a world that Is heaven on earth not what’s best for all life, and thus making this belief of what a father must be according to the system that many are attempting to live up to Void and invalid and must be forgiven and a new way of fatherhood must be given as a solution to what’s best for all life.

When and as I see that I am within the fear of being a bad father – I stop, I breathe and I focus on what is here as physical reality and how to direct the physical reality to that which is best for all life within the guiding principles of Love thy neighbor as thy self and do onto another as you would like to be done onto, instead of blindly following a system of good and bad which produces a system of good and bad instead of equality and oneness that is best for all Life.

Day 422 – Father and My Baby Part 2

continuing from Day 421 - Father to be SOON Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Anticipate the date of Birth for my Baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist saying my baby, seeing and realizing that I have a judgment towards saying my baby as a possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative experience to the word possession and to add the word possession to the sentence “my baby” – seeing and realizing that it is My baby as I am responsible for the baby and eventually raising the baby to become a Adult that will be his own being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it funny to say the words “my Baby”, seeing and realizing that saying the words “my baby” and finding it funny is because of the belief I have created for myself as a teenager where I saw that I would only have a baby at a much older age and now that I have a baby at this younger age it is unbelievable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it “unbelievable” that I am going to be a father and have a baby – seeing and realizing that I only find it unbelievable because of a Belief that I have created about myself in my mind in relation to being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Belief of myself that I am unable to be a father and now that the point is here with me being a father and having a baby I stand within the point of disbelief of my own self-created belief, seeing and realizing that all beliefs must be deleted and that I must focus on what is here, no matter what the belief is that I have about myself – I stop and I breathe, I focus on reality and common sense and practicality within walking and living and breathing the principle of what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Belief of myself in relation to being a father and to within this in opposite create disbelief within myself as well within being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that I will not be a good father, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be a father is a Good/bad relationship, seeing and realizing that being a father within its natural definition of the word is simply a reference to a man/being who has created a baby/child/being with another and thus is responsible for this being/child/baby till the baby/child/being stands on its own and lives his/her own life within the principles and teaching that the father has passed on through being a Living example of what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate the word Father and what it must mean within the eyes of others, instead of keeping it simple and real within what’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as being a father – seeing and realizing that this judgment is the Judgment that I have placed onto others who has been father or become fathers and within my secret mind, and now that I am to be a father the Judgment is placed upon myself, as I have done onto another I am doing onto myself.

to be continued. 

Day 421 – SOON to be a Father - Part 1

 

2 - 4 weeks to go...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create pre occupational ideas/beliefs of what it might be being a father to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that what my relationship was as a child towards my father was right or wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my child hood with my father/mother relationship as good or bad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at my childhood and see what is practical and what is not, what is best for all life and what isn’t and to accordingly use within common sense what’s best for all within raising my child, to learn from the past and to change, and to not run away or hide or resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to use my childhood within raising my child, seeing and realizing that this is simply repeating the past and creating a copy of my past onto the child’s life, instead of breathing and LIVING here within common sense and practicality so that my child can live his life and not my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access past memories/experiences of my childhood and project it within my child future as a point of FEAR, seeing and realizing how I not have already predetermined my relationship with my child as a projected memory where I already see how I will instead live or do things that is in avoidance to what I have experienced or seen or done in the past, seeing and realizing that this is exactly what my parents did and their parents and yet it never works as this is how the sins of the fathers work, as its creating separation instead of understanding and thus self-forgiveness and correction within what’s best for all life as the living principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow down and check myself in each moment and what is here moving within me, so that I can see if I am clear and moving in breathe in the present as Life or am I moving as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions as the baggage of the past and thus smudging the past and tainting the future with the past and thus recreating the past instead of moving forward.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that where there is fear there is where I am making the mistake of moving, instead of breathing and self-forgiving the fear and moving in clarity as breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that fear is the past made bigger and more then what the past was and then placing that in the present moment as a total delusion of reality when in fact it’s NOT so/here and what is here is completely simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that my past as my thoughts/feelings/emotions that comes from memories that comes from moments that I created experiences within myself within certain moments and that I have defined myself as those moments/experiences/memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions has any value or anything valid within them as to how to raise my child and what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply trust myself as the physical as common sense and practicality as living what’s best for all life in each moment within my integrity as Who I AM, and to trust me as the Physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that any thoughts/feelings/emotions within me of the mind as memories has any value to them as what has been done to me by those that has gone before me within placing value in the past as memories through stories that has been told within raising me, and that this is valuable within raising my child, seeing and realizing that within such teachings one is only teaching the child how to chain oneself to the past and to live in the past instead of being present and breathing here.

To be continued.

Next on more specific points and SCS.