LIFE Has Failed Me.

Have you ever said to yourself "LIFE has failed me" and then feel all defeated and unable to change, like it is the end and it is all LIFE's decision, and now you have to learn a lesson and walk a process/journey, and you just have to take the beatings as they come, because LIFE has failed you, and so LIFE will also help you right? 

This is a misuse and a BIG miss for what is here on earth and how things work. First of all, LIFE has nothing to do with you failing, with your life going to shit, with you losing your income, with you failing and losing in your relationships. all that happenings is not because of LIFE. 

You see, we live in a SYSTEM. a human designed and constructed SYSTEM, this means we are all enslaved to this system, and this system has eradicated LIFE and build itself on top of LIFE sucking the LIFE out of life underneath it, and you are a cog in the wheel, you are a pawn in the system, and you are the things that is used in the system to help suck the life out of life to feed the system, and the moment you are not needed, as the system changes, you are spat out.  

When people are spat out, they blame LIFE and then they blame and shame themselves for failing, NEVER looking at the one thing that is actually causing HARM to all LIFE, which includes YOU, thus your family, your relationships, your mental health, your sanity, your humanity, the system is designed to TRAUMATIZE life into submission so that everyone cowers and fears the system to the point of obeying it till death in hope of the system favouring them. 

For the past few years since covid - we have seen the system squeezing out tens of millions of people out of its design and into more poverty, and we have not seen a real change or understanding coming from most people that it is a system design that fucks with everything, we make our problems seem so "natural" and just the way LIFE works, how things are, and thus we can blame LIFE and look away from the system, as that keeps most people safe who still have a job, and those who do not, well they just have to HOPE they can get back into the grinding machine called the system (NOT LIFE).

LIFE is HERE, and this is the key, it is the key to stand with LIFE as yourself one and equal, and to start changing this system to a system of LIFE, to root up the machine of self interest and to bring the life that is underneath it suffocating back to light. This will have to happen sooner than later as this system is squeezing harder and harder and many will fall into poverty and onto the streets, people you know or have known, it will come to each ones front door. 

Before it does come to your front door, you have an opportunity (not given by life) but still by the system of LUCK, as this system is a Casino, to do something, and TIME is not for you, as in any casino, the longer your play, you only LOSE, it is a deliberate design against you and your nature as a pre-programmed human in a pre-programmed system, that just like you, serves itself.

So, first of all one must start with changing your pre-programmed nature to not be grappled and brought down by the gambling against you and your LIFE, but to rather direct yourself within breathing to use the moment of luck you have to walk out of the casino and do something ELSE with that money to build a new and better/different system that support LIFE. (walking out of the casino is metaphorical, as this walking out within this system means within YOU, not physically). 

The point is, people must use their words towards themselves better, for example, saying LIFE has failed me is imprinting and enhancing the delusion that the SYSTEM we live in is LIFE, which it is NOT. and within this when we enhance and imprint that idea more and more, the more we do NOT stand up to the system and actually bring LIFE forwards, we in fact start seeing the system that is here as NATURAL (like Nature) and we believe we are powerless to do anything, and we must just accept our fate, instead of seeing LIFE is HERE to be brought forward as ourselves and within this we CREATE our DESTENI.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system that is here is LIFE and that what ever happens to me within the system is a choice by life and that I deserve anything and everything the system does to me, seeing and realizing within this I make the human designed system for self interest and GREED of the ego, my god, to punish and enslave me as it pleases, and thus nothing will happen to the system and I will not do anything to stand up and NOT accept and allow this system to abuse me or others as LIFE any further. 

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience FAILURE as myself in and of a system designed to fuck with me/everyone no matter my efforts, and that poverty and starvation is part of this systems deliberate design as a fear tool TO TO ENSLAVE AND CONTROL HUMANITY TO NOT STAND UP, Thus I see and realize that failure in this system is not a failure of me, it is a failure of the system and the design and starting point of this system, and so I forgive myself that I have ever given myself a hard time, shame and guilt and regret for ever failing in this system, despite my efforts (might not count for everyone this one), and thus. 

I commit myself to stand up, to see this system for what it is, that it is not life, to show others that this system is not life, and that we must stand up as LIFE and in a great effort we must come together and we must bring life forward, to create a new system where deliberate abuse and neglect of LIFE ends, where we can live a life that is best for all life, as I would like to be done onto as I have done, and to create a system that reflect principle living.

I commit myself to get up, get out of the blame, judgements and guilts and "system shame" for any and all my failures, to forgive myself, while I am here and can still do something unlike billions of others in complete powerless positions right now in this world, to walk as a group, to get angry and say enough of the abuse, to support and assist others as best as I can to stand with, starting with myself and giving myself, equal and one with what is here in our struggles, hardships and to show, they are noting compared to what will come if we do not do something else while we can, (those who still have money) and that it will take time, and thus we must make a move, even it it starts slowly.

I commit myself to stop relying and praising this system as a fear response for self interest and survival for myself, and to start seeing I am feeding an evil that will bite back with pleasure, and thus I must stop feeding it within who I am, and start redirecting myself, my resources, my life to that of LIFE as what is best for all life, as LIFE never failed me, it is the design of an abusive system that fails LIFE.

To be continued.

Defending self to not change

When and as I see I have made a mistake, I commit myself to not go into defense of what I missed, or did not consider, but to instead take a breath, see the points, drop the energy that I within my body, my chest, and to relax, stop all words that want to come out of my mouth in a natural way, to instead look within, see who I am within this, and allow growth, expansion by admitting my miss take and to take it in and to make it part of my consideration. 

My weaknesses are exposed through others giving feedback, when I take it personal I know I must take breath, see and realize that I am facing a weakness, the defensive mechanism activating within me to want to TELL why and how I made the mistake, is defending the mistake, it is to justify the mistake, and so I cannot learn from the mistake, I will only keep on missing it, not taking it, not expanding and learning. 

When I react to others words and how I take them, I know it is MY interpretation of what their words are meaning, how I am taking them, how the words are hitting the notes within me, the notes that are already existent within me, I am an instrument, If I am not tuned in to SOUND, but rather tuned in to EGO as energy and personality, then words will activate the energy, the personality and the through my reactive behaviors I will play music accordingly, where I can play the SOUND of life as self-responsibility, or I can play the Sound of energy and characters where the words are swords, meant to get back, defend and not grow and expand. 

When and as I read or hear the words of another that is directed to me, that is meant for me, and I pick up a “feeling” that there is something else behind their words, such as frustrations, anger, annoyance or a certain energy that is sharp as to stab me, to then stop this “feeling” that Is a defensive mechanism of MY personality/Ego already having a military grade defense system build in that is already ready to attack, where the energy then possess my body and shakes my body to possess my words, where my reaction isn’t a direction as a direct action of me anymore, but rather fulled with energy as something else that now in return will have a sharp energy to stab the other person back with anger, frustration or annoyance, thus not standing as self-redirected principle as breath, but rather only existing as a limited organic robot with automatic responses enforcing an abusing cycle. 

When I react and find myself possessed within an energy of self-righteousness, I stop the words that are ready made, ready to just slip out and respond, I give to myself the moment, the breath, to swallow those words and to stop that energy through breathing, to then remove the personal, to embrace LIFE, where I am an instrument of LIFE, and the music as the words I play stand as SOUND and not energy, I remove the emotions and the personal, I look within and I calm my waters, the storm that has been stirred, I see and realize in the moment that this storm isn’t who I am, the lightning and thunder does not have to be the answer, I can instead tell the storm to remove itself, and what remains is me, here calm, standing, as the E-motions, the motion of energy is gone, and I remain as the motion of LIFE, so I speak words that is self-responsible as creator, not blamer, justifier or manipulator, I embrace change, that who I am as the energy ends and I can reborn myself within that moment as a new me, as the moment is here, the opportunity, and this I am grateful for, no matter how hard it can be or is, I embrace absolute self-responsibility and to change, as that is the way forward, living self-forgiveness to drop the ego, energy and be humble. 

Time manifested reactions. When I find within myself, that I have created a certain perspective, opinion about another Peron and what I believe their perception is of me, where I believe their perception of me is that of lesser, of inferior, of not capable, of not able, due to how I take their words, how I receive their words, how I FEEL their words. I allow myself to stop the stereo typing of another and how I FEEL them being towards me in relation to me within me, as I am the holder and beholder of the perception I have of them as to what perception they have of me, as every word, every action I take around or in relation to that person or persons will always be to try and defend my own perception of myself against their perception of me as what I perceive them to have a perception of me, and thus I always walk in defense and control, never allowing me to drop all perceptions, to drop all expectations and to actually breathe and live. 

THUS – I see and realize that I hold perception of others within my mind and who they are based on believes and assumptions of what perceptions they are holding of me, and so I am creating and manifesting these perceptions in reality, as my words and actions are a reaction to the perceptions and thus creating them, manifesting them, so when someone comes to me and says something to me, I already have a ready-made answer, reaction towards that person, as I believe their words and actions towards me is coming from the perception they have of me – which comes from the perception I have of them and what they have of me, so I react and act in ways that makes no sense to them, yet I feel I have to constantly defend myself, my perception of myself. I see this is a battle of illusions. 

When someone points out something about me, and I see myself reacting to the person pointing out the point to me, I stop and I breathe, as I realize and SEE that I am only reacting because of the believe I have of that person and what I believe their relationship is within themselves towards me, so I always find their words and actions as an attack towards me, because of hat I am holding within me as the STORY, where I have placed the CHARACTERS in my story as always being the bad guys and I am the good guy, and thus everyone is out to get me and I must fight this great battle to just make it through, to make it to the end of the story. 

When I fuck up, make a mistake and it is noticed by others, I commit myself to not make it personal as to what the responses will be, I see and realize that it is always about self-forgiveness and not others forgiving me, as I must change in fact to stop making the mistake, using shame and guild as a defensive mechanism will not change anything but accumulate a negative ball of energy that will manifest the same shit again, and so I see and realize that if confrontation occurs of a mistake or fuck up that I have created/made, that it can never be personal, as I can never actually in fact change by defending myself with others, by justifying myself, but to instead admit the mistake and take self-responsibility, and that It must be TRUE to me, self-honest that I will change, and not something based on how I am feeling by being confronted, by being pointed out a mistake I have made, or how the mistake has made others feel, or what their perception or idea is about me making the mistake, as such starting point for change isn’t valid and based on nothing more than energy that in due time disappears. I see that I must make the consequences REAL for myself, to not avoid them, to face them, to change and to stand up and know that I WILLED myself to change, by my directive principle and decisions to stand for LIFE as all life as who I am to be that which is best for all life.

War and Beheading - Day 603 Day 6 of 21

I saw a documentary today called only the dead 2015, where it is about a journalist who was in Iraq and when America invaded Iraq and made/declared war and this journalist spend seven years documenting parts of what’s going on, on the ground, and from both sides.

During watching this Documentary there are almost all the time people dying, being shot, dead, and being beheaded. For a while I had to remind myself while watching that this is REAL deaths, these people actually died as I was watching it, it isn’t a movie. And then it hit me, a sickening feeling in my stomach and a realization of what war actually is. It isn’t pretty at all. In fact, there are no rules in war, it is a mission and at any means get the mission done, and then there is the mental state of the people actually participating, they lose it, they can even become mad and they do lose their humanity so to say where murder and killing becomes more later on, it becomes personal and so suicides take place and what soldiers from either side do to each other has later on no limits, such as torturing, abusing, raping and name it all.

The once scene in the documentary that really got me was that of a man who’s head was cut off, and I watched it happen, right after this man introduced himself and where is from, his name, his family and then BAM, as he is sitting there on the floor tied up, men grab him from behind and with a big knife starts to saw off his head and then after the head if sawed off they pick it up and showcase it to the camera.

It got me because I place myself in everyone’s shoes always that I am watching or seeing, I do not choose sides either. I take all in as me and check who I am within that and to breathe and stand one and equal, because it happened to another part of me, and another part of me did it, I am responsible for all of it, so I cannot separate myself and feel bad and guilty, I must stand up and see where I must change and to move as.

It is clear that this is unacceptable to even exist, War and the reasons for war must end, it must stop and we must stop within ourselves FIRST, if there is any kind of movement within us, as you and me where we see fighting, war as a solution, we are still the problem and cause as a vote for the existence that is here that isn’t best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to see any form of violence as a solution to my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes wish for violence as a quick solution and not having to actually deal with the under current cause of the problems or even unwillingness to want to change the actual cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as long as I am in good intentions within me seeking to use violence to solve a problem or problems that I am not good, and my intention is that of evil as against life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that violence must exist as a point of solving problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of being violent in moments of anger or where something or someone provoked something within me, and that I believe someone else can make me experience something within me, when it is literally impossible as it is within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these thoughts feelings and emotions of wanting to harm or be violent as natural and a possible solution within me, where this violence of wanting to hurt someone is always a point of EGO and self-interest directly about me and now wanting to harm another for ME taking something personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize violence is when we are clouded by the lens of the mind that is out to violate the physical to mould and shape the physical through violating the physical as what is real to fit the minds perception of our own beliefs, ideas and opinions based on ego, to make what isn’t real a reality through breaking and forcing a certain outcome for self-interest.

Idea versus Ideal Day 602 – Day 5 of 21

I have so many ideas during my everyday living – my ideas are always inspired for world change, how I as an individual can start something, make it big and make it happen. I write down many of my ideas and some I post on social networks, where they get some feedback. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Ideas come and go, this is what I have seen for myself, and sometimes I act on these ideas, to physically practically check it out. These Ideas I act on are usually small things that are possible right now, so it is easy and I have feedback quit quickly and can thus change my idea and test it out again.

One of the Key points I have realized within acting on small ideas is to take and idea and to mold and shape that idea into an Ideal, not an Idol, then we will have a problem.

I always align my ideas that are BIG to group activity and efforts, and always in alignment with the principles I live by to benefit and support and assist all those equally that I can currently reach and that stand equally as me. As I know it will only then spread out more and more.

The problem I face is a Fear, where I get an Idea that isn’t something that can be done right here and now, it is something that requires time and effort, to set the IDEAL of the idea already in the planning without having the opportunity first to just test it and then correct it. Because any BIG Idea that goes public effects that idea and how that idea is manifested, so a second chance is very hard after that, an unfortunate consequence of living in a system where there are winners and losers.

I have been in the process of bringing a BIG Idea to live, to manifest it, it is taking time, the planning, the research and all the practical points that is required to be in place before even exposing or revealing this idea to not have any assumptions already made, and that is of course part of and in alignment with my process and living and standing as a Destonian and the Desteni Principles and group. As the group always comes first.

So the point I am facing is the fear of the unknown of not having that space and time to take a BIG idea and first check it out, I must basically give it one shot and that will be it for this one particular idea, and even if the idea fails, it will not mean it was a bad one, it can simply mean that I have missed a few points, and thus the Ideal isn’t met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a BIG idea and to follow through with it into manifestation and that it might not work and where the reasons will be that of missing small points within the Ideal outflow I wanted and saw within the Idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear making BIG mistakes and who I will be within that miss take, where I can already see myself getting back up and starting over, yet I fear having to go through the whole process again just because of missing a few points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush into manifesting my big idea as soon as possible just to find out if it will work or not, and to within this miss the IDEAL and what I must practically consider within the Idea as to as much as possible ensure that the Ideal of the Idea is to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flood my passion and vision and Idea with too much unnecessary information within a fear as a paranoia of messing it up and to within this take the idea and making it into a typical sales pitch and missing the passion completely of where the Idea comes from as a self-directed and creative movement within me that isn’t of knowledge and information but a physical movement of living and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going BIG and Viral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if my BIG idea actually manifest and how much of a difference it will be from what I saw within me and my mind versus reality as I had no time to first check and assess as what I do with small ideas on a daily living scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself within listening to the mind as knowledge and information as comparison where I compare myself as less than those that has made big ideas come true and were able to be flexible and moveable to adjust and make it happen, and that I am not the same, yet I know within me as my expression that I am, I can I am capable, I must simply take the lead/jump after preparation and cross reference with others and to know that in breath I am okay, I am here, I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the voices in my head of what other people will say and think about my crazy ideas and that it will not be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR my response to others when and if they might have negative responses towards me and my crazy ideas and that I might just get more crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everyone to just go with it and make it happen and then it will work, yet seeing and realizing the mind as I am facing it now will be equal within everyone else and thus as I face my point I will be able to support and assist others to also see that what seems crazy and impossible and even radical is simply pre-programming holding us back from breaking through our fears. And as long as what we are doing is within self-honesty one and equal to our expression sanding within such a point will be natural and not a fighting and reactive process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT believe in myself and my potential within me for creating change and effecting this world for a better world that is best for all life. And to within this hold back so much and so many times in fear, in self-judgement, in insecurities and so much mind shit that I have never even given myself a chance to stand up and show my head in the crowds for something different, something that will NOT immediately been smiled upon, yet if I stand as me as my expression in passion and obsolete principle of what’s best for all life, I will be guided one and equal and bear the fruits one and equal.

To end it off – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this WAY bigger than what it is within my mind, as the mind tend to already place oneself in the Famous seat in the spotlight, which is a false idea and not and Ideal way to approach anything in expectations, Be here in breathe moving direct within physical reality and no illusions.

Day 599 – there is NO happy ending pre-programmed Day 2 of 21

Excuse me if this blog comes through as angry or aggressive or whatever else you as the reader may experience, but this is how I talk in real life sometimes with people about these matters. Just not with energy behind it. The words and how I express them really brings the reality of the points forth for me to not fall in any illusion about what I am saying.

I found this hidden point within me, where I still believe that there is somehow a happy ending at the end of all of this, what if there is no happy ending, what if the only possible way for any happy ending is literally if everyone walks the Desteni Process? Then we are currently fucked. Haha (just a point of consideration) not to demotivate, but instead to motivate. To realize the commitment and walking and standing of myself. There is NO ending to this till we all have CREATED a happy ending, not waiting for pre-programming to lay out a happy ending that requires us to wait, which shows what? We are fucked, because then we are just going the same way as now. No different. And it starts with self-forgiveness, self –correcting, becoming the Virus of correction within one’s own life and environment for LIFE, oneness and equality as a living example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if there is going to be a fucking happy ending as the movies has taught me how shit works, no matter how shitty it gets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a happy ending for me in this story called LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if everything is going to be okay for ME ONLY, while BILLIONS suffer on this exact same planet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can live my life and forget about everything else in this world because there is apparently NO matter what I do a fucking happy ending at the end of this story of mine.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realEYES that Death is everyone’s ending and it isn’t happy, and at death we do not leave the shit behind that we have accepted and allowed as ourselves as this world, as above so below, as within so without, there is NO fucking escaping and no happy ending UNLESS I give up the mind and stand as life for all life in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the illusions that has been sold to me on TV and Movies where no matter how much war or fighting or struggling happens there is always a ending where shit is happy and working again, which is not what will happen in this planet in reality, how the fuck do you reverse the damage you have done to your MOTHER earth? It requires YEARS if not decades of correction and deliberate change, there is NO fucking magical way to fix it, there is no government that is going to fix it, there is no secret society that is going to fix it, there is YOU and me waking up and fixing it right now and HERE as we are capable but we have a problem, the mind is in the way, it is our fucking god. We can’t stop consuming, we can’t stop even the thoughts, and how are we going to change? Where is this happy ending?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a fairy tale movie that has been sold to me where the end of the world is coming closer but somehow I can remain calm, somehow I still believe that there is a fucking happy ending????

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as a happy ending at all, when a child can be sold as a sex slave and be raped to death by the age of 7, where is the fucking happy ending?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be a happy ending ONLY for me, what a selfish cunt, while my mother earth is dying, in fact I can see it, there is no place or space for a happy ending, MY fucking earth that I live on is being molested and raped by the people that gives power to the systems that are here, you and me. Take responsibility.

I forgive myself that haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the TRUE extend to what we are fucked and that there is NO happy ending in this story, it isn’t pre-programmed and I cannot rely on a pre-written script to just play on everyday as who I am as what I live and what I stand for as self-interest and the mind, I must stand up HERE not tomorrow, I must reach my fellow humans NOW not tomorrow, I must stand as the change HERE not tomorrow, I must stand as LONG as it takes till there is a fucking happy ending created and here, but the signs for that is so slim and non-visible – there is no hope at all, get real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in an isolated fairy tale where I can blind myself to reality and live only for my happy ending, yet missing everything that is burning and suffering around me, as if my happy ending is the ending LOL, after every happy “ending” the story continues and the shit is still here and I must stand up and face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE up for the sake of a happy ending just for me and to forget about all of me as earth/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about everything and to only focus on my fairy-tale happy ending. Till something happens to me, then I suddenly want to change shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that IF I do not stand and give up my fairy-tale idea/dream pre-programmed shit then I cannot expect anyone else to do so, and thus I am accepting and allowing the end of Life as we know it with everyone else, for illusion happy endings.

When the Failure Character takes over - application to correction is the way forward - Day 597

Self-correction takes one moment in self-directed movement to apply and live. This is an act of self-forgiveness if it is done within self-directed movement, not based on how you feel, it is to move and direct self regardless of how one feels and to breathe and move forward.

About a Month ago I started a 21 day challenge of writing Self-forgiveness in my blogs. I failed.
My failure did not come as me saying, Ok I am not doing it today, or I do not feel like doing it today, in fact it was my “desire” to write my blog for that day. Due to circumstances, I had no laptop, no internet and I was in a completely different environment the day I broke this challenge.

The Feeling of failure and disappointment came over me the following day, for not completing this challenge. I felt that I have not only failed me but everyone else that was following this challenge of mine, and even some that joined in on the same challenge.

I did not write a Blog that following day either, due to me still being in this different environment and having NO laptop, no internet, and I stayed at this different place for a week. I saw no possible way for me to continue with the challenge, I had my phone with me and some shared wifi at times.

After the week was over and already seven days of no writing happened, the judgement of failure has taken over to such an extent that I did not even feel like writing anymore, I felt that it was a waste of time now to continue with this challenge, the point of the challenge was missed, I had two options, starting over or not continue the challenge at all.

Then, another week passed, and I have done nothing. I have succumbed to my experience of failure, in fact I have now been living this failure, this failure has now become a norm, I have accepted and allowed it to exist as me, as who I am within this challenge, this point. Not only did it effect my writing, the challenge, I started seeing this point of failure coming through in all parts of my life, a sort of depression, giving up on things, and feeling like just not continuing doing what I have done in terms of writing, social media, showing my face, speaking out, placing my words, and standing openly, because of one point of failure, that I have judged instead of forgiving myself and starting over, has now effected all parts of life, without even noticing. It became normal actions, as it my life was changing naturally into that of a failure.

This is why I write today, because this is my actions of forgiving myself and letting go of what the mind took advantage of and directed my reality, and the real power lies within action/living, not thinking and festering within the mind on what happened, what was, who is judging me, me judging me, and getting lost in an alternate reality.

I expected forgiveness from others, I expected others to understand my situation, I expected approval from others to start over, that it is okay, Yet it never came, so I waited, one week after the other, and then another week more, no one was giving me the thumbs up to start over, only I had that power and authority, no matter how bad I have judged my failure, I must stop and forgive and start over for myself.

So I will from Monday/Tomorrow start over with my 21 days challenge of writing self-forgiveness and I will myself to walk this point for myself.

When the world isn’t changing blame the world, Day 10 of 21 – Day 595

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blame people, the world for not seeing common sense and within self-honesty that they can be the change that is necessary, seeing and realizing that I am externalizing this point onto others, and thus not taking the point back to self, and so as I see others do not change, I get discouraged, I feel more dis-empowered and as if chances for change is even less, and so I Blame others for how I am starting to experience myself and thus how I am living and acting in response to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself o dis-empower myself through what see others are doing within falling and no standing as the solution and to within this Blame others for my stance, what I stand for and to be the living example, to compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put hope in others to stand and to stand one and equal with me and to place my stance on this hope, and so as I see others fall and go off track I lose hope and within losing this hope I compromise my stance, and attempt to compensate for others and so as I attempt to compensate I start blaming other people for my burden being even more, and thus I see and realize that I am attempting to carry the responsibility of others on me and so when I feel burdened and like giving up, I blame others, yet I am the one who placed the burden onto myself and compromised my stance and thus lost my stance, and so also go on to blame others for me losing my stance, and thus I see and realize that I cannot blame, as all my actions was my decisions, following fear and paranoia and thus showed me that I wasn’t standing actually from the beginning, and so this gives me the opportunity to reflect and to take self-responsibility once again and to stop the creation of the blame game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me being discouraged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place hope in others and to even participate within hope and thus lose touch with reality and with my own process, my own standing as an example, as I am looking outward instead of inward and what stands here as me and that this stance must stand and be able to stand alone for eternity, even when no one else stands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize my standing and to make it dependent on others, realizing that I must stand with others and that with others this process of global change is the only possible way, yet those that come and go in the meantime should not change my standing through values I have placed on certain people and their standing and what it means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEE no hope within this world and to within this create hope of illusions within my daily living where I place hope in how I see others stand and move and direct, and thus when such a person dies or disappears I suddenly am faced with myself and seeing and realizing that I haven’t yet in fact fully been living as the example I would like to see within this world as change and so become dishearten, discouraged and the possibility for me to fall becomes even greater and so I blame others and yet here I stand as the example of why others failed and thus I never stood myself as the example for why others can and must stand. So I see and realize I must change my stance, realign my principles, and check my starting point, how I go here, why I am here, and what is the FIRE within me doing this for me and all life, as I see I have forgotten though externalizing myself and living in a Blame game that made me LAME and thus unable to effectively move and direct myself.

Headache - what can create one? Day 9 of 21 - Day 594

I woke up this morning with a headache, now waking up with a headache for me is very strange, and this headache was very annoying, it is heavy, every slight movement I make where my head is moving, I feel the headache. All day I had to move slowly, I had to be aware of all my movement a lot more.

I assessed what the headache can be, is it due to something physically missing or lacking in the body? Or a mind point. So I drank water and ate fruits and more meals, as I felt my body needed, yet the headache is still here. So now in Self-forgiveness I will open up my experience towards the headache.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this headache.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this headache for LIMITING my movements and participation of me during my day and to within this Blame, blame my body for creating this headache, when I know the body does not create headaches, but how I participate and use the body and thus how I accept and allow the mind to run free within doing with the body as it pleases. And thus I am responsible and I must take self-responsibility for my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think many things during my day instead of acting/living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK about what I want to do and to just keep thinking about it, not acting on it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when I SEE what is here and what I can do and I do not act on it, if I do not live what I SEE is possible here and to either direct myself to live it, do it later of right now, and to rather go and THINK more and more on it, and thus when I do not act when I SEE I turn all the potential of the physical into thinking and thoughts and regrets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this headache that compromises my physical movement as a reflection of how I have been compromising my physical movement when I do not act but rather turn the potential of me HERE into thoughts, into future and then past and to never LIVE, for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to JUDGE myself when and as I see what is HERE as the physical living potential of and as ME and to rather go into the mind and not expand myself, live creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a physical living potential where I will benefit and ALL to rather go into the mind as limitations, where I start thinking, I am not ready for this, I need to prepare more for this, I am not professional enough for this, I do not look good enough to do this, I do not have the skills right now that matches what I want to create YET so best that I do nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIVE in my mind as thinking as imagination, as I am unable to breathe and direct my reality as the physical when and as I see, and thus as time pass by I create distrust within me within what I see as I have never established trust within myself to simply trust myself and to act, to respond, to create what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a headache over so much time of living within the mind and not living, and thus now facing the consequences of my action as my physical body being compromised, where a headache is a red light for where the body is already SO full of accumulated energy that the body/brain cannot even handle it anymore, like a soda bottle that has been shaken and needs to be opene4d up, and thus I can see this is a red light and that if I continue any further the way I have been living I will accumulate more headaches and over time more other physical problems that will match my LIVING one and equal and thus my LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place high expectations on myself of what I am supposed to live, and to within this compromise what I can live and to never act or live but wait and wait and to within this waiting for the right time, when I may be able to live up to my expectations later on create within my mind a mountain of what I haven’t lived and thus must when I am ready make up for all the times and moments I haven’t lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a headache to my physical body and capabilities, where I place everything in my head and not live here what’s possible, what is best for all and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold myself back and to rather move back into the mind and so place myself in the back of LIFE and not being an active participant as a creator of me and thus this world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself and who I am and what I can say, express, do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR living – what I SEE and to act, to respond, to be responsible, and to rather give into the fear as reasons, justifications and logic to why I am not living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish this headache away without having to physical correct myself of having to investigate the headache and how its manifestation came to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the headache and to just want the headache to go away, the same way as I have dealt with creating the headache to when and as I see what is here o be done, to be lived to bring about my utmost potential, to just make it go away and to just not having to live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the headache, just as I have been fighting myself to live and to let go of fear to stop the thinking about it and to rather LIVE it and be it, to test it out to develop myself and to be HERE.

I commit myself to when and as I see what is here as to live, to be my utmost potential, to act upon it, to breathe and to push through to not accept and allow ME to become thought, to exist as thought and every other dimension that then forms and takes creation within me as thoughts/thinking and imagination, that is always of consequences that isn’t best for all, and not myself but harmful to the body and of abuse.

I just don’t FEEL like it – that’s all, Day 8 of 21 – Day 593

I just don’t feel like it = confirmation of mind-control, what is this FEELing? (the only things we should be feeling with is the physical, like our hands) where does it come from? And how can it decide for you what to do or not to do? How can this “I just don’t feel like it” even make you NOT act and live what is presented to you in common sense and what’s best for all LIFE?
Let me go a bit deeper, more personal.

Have you ever seen a healthy person, they are Fit and young and it looks like they have all the energy in the world to do whatever they want – but as soon as they need to do anything that isn’t for themselves, they will state “I just don’t feel like it” – not per say in those exact way, in fact they will say “I just don’t feel like it” in every possible way they can except that direct. Because what will happen if this person had to directly say to your face “ I just don’t feel like it” – especially if you just asked them to help you carry a heavy cupboard and you have an injured back from previously lifting something heavy all alone. Such a person will then have to face themselves, their utter dishonesty and abuse of the physical, where their body, their being everything is ONLY for themselves, which will directly confirm why the world is fucked, how can such a person live – love thy neighbor as thy self, give as you would like to receive, do onto another as you would like to be done onto – when a feeling decides everything, how YOU feel about it. Shame, poor you. The luxury to participate in the “I just don’t feel like it” – while 25 000 children die of starvation a day, maybe they wanted to say, you know what, today I just don’t feel like it, to starve, let’s give it a break, how about children Dying in war right now? How about the ocean and air and forests and well, basically the entire earth that is raped and fucked, could just say, HEY, you know what, I just don’t feel like it” let’s stop existing, let’s stop giving air to all living things on earth, just for today. Fuck it, because we just don’t feel like it, let’s at least make up a damn good reason why we aren’t able to do anything, lets at least give a super duper good reason that makes sense, that sounds logical, that sounds like a line of good words, just to east the minds of why we just don’t give a fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do something just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question where this feeling comes from that feels like it has taken control over my entire body to just not feel like doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the resistance I experience to move myself from the feeling of “I just do not feel like it” power over my common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that just like trinity in the matrix movie number one where she jumped through the window and fell on the floor with her guns pointed at the window waiting for the agent to get her, she has to remind herself to MOVE, to get up and move, to not give the time for the agent to get to that point where it is too late and to then face the consequences, but to get myself OUT of the feeling, the wanting to wait rather than moving myself, wanting to just lay and do nothing based on a feeling, than stand UP and move myself to be the one directing, to take action, to live what is best for all and not give time to the agents of the system as my thoughts, as my MIND to take me over.

The Trap of forgiveness from another, Day 7 of 21 – Day 592

Why is Forgiveness from others not the answer to ourselves and changing ourselves?

I have lived this point over and over, where I have done something that upsets another person, or that involved another person and to cause harm to not only myself, but the other person, and then the other person would forgive me. YET, I have not forgiven myself, so what happens next – I do it again. Because I was forgiven, I felt that I am now free, I have nothing to worry about, because the other person could forgive me, it probably means that what I have done wasn’t that bad, regardless of me KNOWING that is it bad, this point of forgiveness from another BUT no self-forgiveness becomes a reason and excuse to just do it again, because the other person can just forgive me again, I mean, why not, and so it becomes an evil cycle of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else forgive me for what I have done that wasn’t best for all life, for myself or the other person, to use that forgiveness as an excuse, a reason within my mind to simply do what I have done again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the forgiveness of another through using that forgiveness to only make myself feel better about myself as a FEELING to relieve the shame and guilt and regret from what I have done, and to after this relief of the shame, guilt and regret feel more open and clear and to within this find within me the space to again fall into the abusive pattern as before, as I have not forgiven myself or taken into account the measure of my actions in fact on my personal life and a global scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that another forgives me just so that I can feel better about myself, feel lighter, to release me from the emotions I am experiencing within me, and to within this enforce a believe within me that because the other person could forgive me it must mean I didn’t do such a bad things, and so I start justifying what I am doing as not so bad, as actually good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEEK forgiveness from another after I have been bad, as to find evidence, proof from people/others outside of myself that I can be forgiven, that I am not as bad as I think I am, and thus within not forgiving myself, I go back to recreate the same abusive pattern as a curiosity, to find out, if the forgiveness that I received from the other person was real, if it was actually real, as I find it so hard within me to believe that I am a good person, and so use the forgiveness of others after and of my abusive habits/patterns to Uplift myself and how I feel about myself, what I belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as Long as the believe that defines me, where in this case the believe of me as being inherently being bad, defines me within any part of my beingness, and that I do not forgive myself and eradicate this belief of myself from the roots of which it came, that I will always fall back into the habits/patterns and seek redemption from outside of myself just so that I can again recreate and LIVE the belief of myself as being bad to then CONFIRM it through how others react and respond to me and then forgive me for me as to for a moment feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the belief of me being a bad person proven right through deliberately participating in the actions of the habits/patterns that is abusive to me and others, so that I can get specific reaction that are created specifically within the specific actions I take within the habits/patterns from other people to “relive” a certain experience within me, the experience that I have defined myself according to since I was a child, since before I could remember. Just to confirm I am bad, and to live that definition of myself as confirmed, as I have not forgiven myself and only seek LOVE as forgiveness from others, indicating that as a child, within my first seven years, where I was programmed mostly, I have had experiences, moments, where I defined myself as bad, as shit, as not worthy of life, and not being loved, cared for, and to within this start participating in self-abusive patterns that simulate what happened with me as a child, as reliving the confirmation to why I have accepted and allowed myself to be who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else FORGIVES me for what I have done, to feel like it cannot be real, it isn’t possible, I am not forgivable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am so bad, so lost, so screwed that forgiveness even from another to me is impossible and thus how can I even forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it impossible that someone else could find it within themselves to forgive me, when I cannot even find it within myself to forgive myself, and thus I see and realize that I must find it within myself to forgive myself, as I will simply re-create and abuse myself and others as to attempt to PROOF to myself and others to why I cannot be forgiven, as I cannot even forgive myself, and to use that as a reason, as a justification to continue to exist as the personality/character that I have lived as all my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR forgiving myself for the abuse I have always existed as, as the belief I have lived as myself my entire life, as this forgiveness will mean that what I have lived and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be was never real, and thus all the abuse and harm was for nothing, that my experiences was for nothing, that I have wasted my life in living out this belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KEEP participating within these abusive patterns/habits as wanting to give value to what I have been living my entire life as the belief that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as just to not have to suddenly give up all that value in energy and time that I spend living and defining myself as this belief of being soooo bad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that NO matter how much other people forgive me and how many times I am forgiven, that as long as I cannot find it within myself to forgive myself and to live the correction, that I will keep on accumulating the consequences till I face reality hard on and where I have finally manifested a BAD reality equal and one to the belief that I have defined myself to, and then I will face self-forgiveness regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret someone else as forgiving me that it means that what I did is okay to do again, even when there is NO common sense in the reasoning but only irrational thoughts and energies coming up within me, and to within this start the cycle of abuse all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do bad things in the search for forgiveness just so that I can feel loved, cares for, where I have separated these qualities from myself and have never even given them to myself, not even knowing how to give it to myself, and thus I see and realize I must investigate these words and to redefine them for myself, as how I am living them now is that of abuse, where I believe that I will only receive love after I was abused, or being abusive, that care will only be given to me once I Have acted out, once I have been bad, and so I always keep on falling into the habits and patterns to seek forgiveness and then receive care/attention/love whereas before when everything was seemingly OKAY, there was no love, there was no care, no affection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what I am living now as my BAD habits and patterns that is abusive is possible to trace back to its origin, within investigating the specific patterns and habits that are abusive and to simply take it back to childhood years, to where I developed myself and how I took my physical reality as WORDS that I later on imprinted into me as LIVING.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do BAD things to receive the opposite as GOOD after wards.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to go back to basics within investigating myself within breath, within checking the mind, the design of polarity and how I can use checking polarities what each point within my bad habits are representing within its polarity, where I am participating in being bad, how am I being bad, how do I prefer being caught being bad, and what is the already expected reactions and outcomes of those in my reality – as that reveals and shows the design that I am participating within.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I deem as BAD is also only bad because of How I am doing it, who I am within doing it, and thus this who and how is exposing all that is required to see what the future play-outs will manifest as the reasons for my actions, thus I can access, am I doing BAD things in secret, is it bad or just bad because I am doing it in secret, is it bad because it is actually bad, what does it mean to do something in secret, what changes the point of view when I am doing it openly, will I still want to do it, will it still be bad, will I then simply find something else to be bad about, must what I do be in secret to be bad, and why? How did I come to this conclusion, was I punished as a child for doing things openly and so I started doing things in secret, and then wanting to be caught out.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I do not take full self-responsibility for myself within giving to myself the understanding of WHY am I and HOW am I to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be that NO amount of forgiveness from others for my actions will ever solve anything, as I must forgive myself as TRUTH will set me FREE, within self-forgiveness, and thus I can STOP that which I do not like and do not want to keep doing within full understanding, by actually giving myself the time to write and to investigate myself through writing self-forgiveness. And unless I do so, I will be a slave to my patterns and habits, as they are here to support me to find myself, to understand myself, and unless I use that help, support to stop, I will mindlessly participate in abusive habits and patterns that is NO good to anyone.