Day 161 – Hurting my Back Continued With Self Forgiveness

Continuation of Day 160 – Hurting my back and uselessness – continued.

Quote: “I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do whatever they ask of me and that it makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...” end quote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play the “kind” character that assumes the position of having to do what everyone asks of me, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I play the Kind character that I will within this go into EGO as the mind as a energetic movement where I ACT out on the energy and move myself as a energy and thus not consider the physical and practical ways of doing things and the consequential outflows of my actions as my actions will only be that which supports and maintain the KIND character - even if it means compromising myself and harming my body within my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play the “kind” character that assumes the position of having to do what everyone asks of me to do, as I belief it is the appropriate way to behave when someone asks me to do something, instead of seeing and realizing that when I am asked to do something that it is not to immediately jump and do it, but to see what needs to be done practically and thus accordingly move and direct to get it done, this can mean I can either do it alone or direct myself to get help and get the job done, thus it is not a matter of I was asked and thus only I must do it, it is a point that requires direction that was given to me and thus I can direct it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself within and as EGO as a energetic movement where I compromise my body and harm my body as I see and realize that when and as I am within an energetic possession as the mind – I cannot consider that physical and all that is here in fact as the actuality of it, as the EGO energy is only acting out to maintain the character to maintain the act and thus to feel useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone ask me to do something for them to have the belief that Only I must do it as I am asked. Thus within this belief that comes from the Character of being NICE - compromise myself in my actions such as Picking up a heavy crate all alone, instead of asking for help, believing that if I ask someone to help me with lifting the heavy crate that I will be a burden to them as I was the one that got asked and not them, and to within this instead suffer within myself as a form of “sacrificing” myself in the name of being kind lifting the heavy crate all along, harming my body which will in the long run have consequential outflows such as spine injuries and back spasms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see ands realize that it is not about me not being able to life a heavy crate all along, it is about the starting point of wanting to do it all alone and that within the starting point being ego as an energetic movement that poses the body where the body moves as an energy, that I within this movement do not move my body one and equal to life the crate, but that I instead as the EGO move my body to only LOOK good as the Kind character that isn’t in support of hat I am doing as lifting the crate and thus harming my body and causing injuries and consequences that can in the long run be permanent such as spinal injuries where I use only my back to lift things up instead of using my legs more and supporting the whole body, as this movement requires one to be here in breathe in full awareness and not a energetic movement as the mind as EGO.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do whatever someone asked of me to do such as Lifting a heavy crate all by myself, so that I may feel Useful and that the person who asked me to do the thing for them will find me useful as they now know they do not have to bother anyone else to do such a job as many other people, but that they only have to ask me as I can do the job all alone when I am asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly make myself useful in the eyes of others through compromising and harming my body in doing the heavy lifting all alone by myself and to “show” that others are not required for the job as I can do it all alone, thus creating and making myself an exception from the rest as making myself a commodity for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I am doing is possible and that it is simply to change the starting point and to within that still do what I know I can do where it does not harm my body, and to when and as I see that what is asked of me may harm my body to stop and breathe and ask for more help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Act as the Kind character within the fear of that if I am not kind that I will render myself useless to everyone else around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not act kindly to others that I will not be seen as useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be Kind to others out of the fear of not having value in their eyes, not seeing and realizing that I do not value myself and thus seek it within others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value within others and what I can do for them, and thus within this seek thing that only I can do to sustain the value I belief I am receiving from them, not seeing and realizing that within this I make my own self worth/value nothing as I will go into the polarity of this point if no one has anything for me to do, seeing and realizing that self worth/value comes from who I am as Life as the physical as all that is here one and equal and thus not from anything outside of myself, and that Who I am determines what I do.

To be Continued..

Day 160 – Hurting my Back and Uselessness – Continued.

In yesterdays Blog I gave a few updates on the situation with my back and how I have created/manifested the consequences in a few examples, yet there are thousands.

So Today I am going to walk a scenario of such event where this character plays out.
What is the character that i Play in front of everyone. I red my blog from yesterday again and I saw a very interesting spelling mistake.

Here it is.
“I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind”

Notice the word KIND that was supposed to be Mind, this I saw as very specific – because I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do what ever they ask of me and that is makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...

So here is the scenario.

I am walking outside – I just came form the dam, I am tired and hot, my body feels like a bag of sand that can just lay down – we have been laying bags of sand on the dam wall all morning, this is about 4 hours of working with heavy bags, moving them and picking them up and so forth. I just want to get to the house and take my gumboots off, my feet are boiling in them and it feels like the skin can tear off my toes – I get irritated by this and I am hungry.

As I am walking by the house I hear someone calling me “Gian” – I know within myself they will want me to do something for them – I think “ what is it they want, I am tired, I really do not want to talk and do something for them” – it is a girl calling my name so I know it can only be one of two things I can do for them, either lifting or doing something heavy or fixing/building something for them – I say yes what is it – the girl comes up to me and say, can you help me? I reply back – depends with what and how long it will take. I am already resisting a bit because I am tired and irritated by the gumboots,

I really just want to get them off and in my mind as back chat I am say to myself – I have already been working hard all morning, don't make me work hard again, I am hungry and tired and my body is saw” kind of like already creating statements that I can use for when I am asked to something I don't want to, to use them to get out of it.

I take a deep breathe and tell myself – Ok I can do this – the girl asks me to take down the big black container in the bathroom, it is full of bedding stuff, someone new is coming to the farm so they are preparing the beds and so forth, I say okay – Back chat -> “ I have no choice, no one else is going to take that off, this needs to be done now because the people are busy with it now, and the new people are coming tomorrow” I walk to the bathroom, I know the black box is heavy and very uncomfortable to take off, I really physically have no problem taking it off, the only difficulty it the location it is in (the amount of space to work with to take it off)

So I grab a chair and I get on the chair and I grab the box where ever I can, I start pulling the box and I secretly think -> “ shit it is heavier then last time, but! because I could do it last time I have to show that I can do it this time, otherwise the girls will not be able to rely on me anymore to do this job for them and they will always see it as a burden to ask me”... this triggers a ego point within me – Backchat ->I must do this and I must do it alone. So I pull the box and I lift it up, I realize there is no where to go with the box once it is in the air, the limited space around me to work with this box is compromising my actions, I force my body to bend weird and hurt it a little bit, the girls are at the bottom asking me, are you alright? I reply every time yes!, I say okay take the box once it is low enough for you guys, as I lower the box I feel the muscles in my arms going powerless and I think –> the box might fall SHIT!!” I do not say anything and instead compromise my body once again, I hurt my back a bit putting that extra muscle into it to contain the box.

I get down and make everything seem okay – the girls ask me – will you just wait and then when we are done put it back – I say yes sure thing. I wait and they are done and I put the box back up, backchat - > “putting the box back isnt that hard.”

I walk away and feel that I have served well today – I helped someone today with something they can not do themselves. I was kind and I wasn’t useless, I am needed.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.

Day 159 – Hurting my Back Muscle and Uselessness.

Yesterday I hurt my back – my right muscle that runs along my spine went in a Spasm, this is when the muscle contracts and causes extreme pain due to Spinal injuries, search it up.

I have had this pain for almost a year, if not longer.

I refused to check it out with a doctor, because the pain would come for a day and it would be fine the next day, every time I had the pain I would not tell anyone. as the day goes by I massage it here and there by myself. I was able to “get away” with it because it wasn’t that bad yet.

I thought it was my kidneys due to the location I was feeling the pain at. So I did not even consider it could be a muscle that got ripped and isn’t healing because I just kept on working.

So why did I not STOP and take a real look at what is going on and just assumed and continued compromising myself and in the end my entire body and life. When I look at the point and every time I had the pain and what I used to justify why it isn’t that bad or why I do not need a doctor I see the following.


First of all I did not want to take a look at the pain or mention it to anyone because I Feared that if there is something wrong with my back then that will mean I cannot do work, I cannot get stuff done on the farm and thus everyone that relies on me to do Things for them will have to suddenly now wait for me, and with things like horse and other duties - other people will have to work extra on my behalf, so I feared that I will become a burden, or a problem for others as I cannot fulfill their needs/requests.
So now in the current situation this is exactly what manifested – that which I fear, if I went earlier I might not have had to face the point as I do now.

I hurt my back two days ago when I had to refill the chicken seed in one of the chicken camps – I was asked the day before by a girl as she cannot do it, thus she relied on me to do it so she can continue with her daily duty, If I could not do it no one else could (I assumed), the day before I had the extreme pain in my back already, but as always I ignored it and believed it will go away as usual. This did not happen, as I picked up the 50kg bag everything was fine, I was carrying the bag for about 30 meters already and then, when I got to the second gate I wanted to change the position the bag was on my shoulders to open the gate easier, as I twisted the bag, something terrible happened in my back, it was extremely painful. I breathed and said (backchat) “it will go away, just get the bag to the chickens and then it is over” - once I was done with the chicken feed I walked around with extreme pain in my back, I could not bend my back, I struggled breathing and my back was pulling to the one side and I could not stop it. I did not tell anyone again – as I feared that as soon as I tell anyone I have to stop working and rest, now if I stop working and rest a lot of things on the farm that involves a lot of people also stops, this is an inconvenience for them.

I hate being a inconvenience to people as I fear they will hate me for it and judge me for it and actually start fighting me for it, and I see this is what I do in secret towards others when they are sick or got hurt and eel that they are not placing more work/pressure on me and so I fear becoming what I judge.
So the last two days I haven’t been working or doing my other duties as I went to a Chiropractor and found not just a Muscle that is going into spasms – My right Hip bone has been out for a long time which cause the muscle to pull more which then placed pleasure on my entire spine which cause two bones in my spine to slide out of place which in the end cause my muscle to tear and thus I ended up where I am now with the extreme spasms, It could have been worse if I waited longer the chiropractisioner said, I could have fractured a bone in my spine If I did not come and thus I would have required surgery.

So I see here how my back chat and secret mind fucked with my entire body over space and time.

I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind just not to mention the pain or the problem or to get help, one main Belief I entertained about myself was that I might be indestructible LOL – sounds funny but it is true, I believed that I could not get hurt or that if I do get pain I can simply quickly heal and it is over, and that I can do with my body just what I want and nothing will happen, and this belief is/was created to justify why I do not need help or why I do not need to tell anyone or get a doctor to look at it.

Till that one day – BAM the manifested consequences fucks me over as the result of participating in the mind as thoughts, back chat and all the other shit in there instead of stopping it and following common sense and the Physical.

To be continued.

Day 158 – When The Starting Point is Self – Judgment Continued.

Day 158 – When The Starting Point is Self – Judgment Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to do something new within my day such as Planting a tree or Building a desk to do the task from the starting point of Judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less then the new activity such as planting a tree od building a desk where I will have back chat within the judgment of “ Ok I Have never done this before and thus it means I will be bad at it” and to the when and as I am doing the activity I constantly have the belief and thinking that I ma doing it wrong and not right, and so I create stress and anxiety for myself while I work where I feel self conscious about myself within doing the activity and that someone will come along and “attack” me. Saying I am doing it wrong and why and that I am bad for doing it so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that when and as there is a new activity that I have to do, that I judge myself as less than the activity to create competition within myself to be motivated to do the activity just to proof to myself and others that I am not less than the activity within the fear of being less then the activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself within my mind small, and to within this try and be Bigger and better in what I do, not seeing and realizing that I am trying to disproof something in my head through my actions and thus contaminate everything I do with ego instead of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be incapable of doing a certain task in my life within the prominent judgment within myself where the back chat always is – “ people do not expect this from me, they all judge me as weak and not able to, I must proof them wrong” and so force things in my life just to disproof people based on what I have in my mind (thus not real) and to within this harm my body such as picking up heavy bags and carrying them around forcefully – as this actions is reaction to the self judgment I have of myself based on the fear of being less then the job/task and that others will see me as weak for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if other people will see me as weak just because I can for instance not pick up a fifty kilogram bag.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as weak by others when and if I ask for help from another to pick up for instance a fifty kilogram bag and to through this instead pick up the fifty kilogram bag myself and force it onto my body and case harm such as muscle spasms/torn muscles that can lead to fracturing the spine and a lot of self harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me not accepting and allowing myself to work within equality and oneness with my body creates insecurities as I compare what I want to be able to do within my mind to what is possible in and as the physical with the body I have and to then force the mind ideas/belief onto the body and cause harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and move myself as the mind within and as the beliefs/judgments of the mind in a attempt to disprove the body and to say – look the mind was right I could do it and therefore I am strong and not weak and I can do things, and to within this process break the body as I want to place/impose that which is not real onto that which is real.

I commit myself to when and as I have to do a task/activity/work to work with my body one and equal in and as the physical and to use my body in oneness and equality in my movement and considerations to not give into the ideas and the wants/needs/desires of the mind that is always made greater and better in the mind then what it really is and that will cause harm and to not participate within such behaviors as the ego through forcing myself to do the opposite of what the mind wants to do, as everything works in reverse and at the same time walk through the self judgments and ego points in physical breathing space time and to write and self forgive when and as I see points coming up that needs direction.

Day 157 – When the starting Point is Self – Judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within activities in my daily live from the starting point of self judgment, and to within judging myself within the particular activities I do as not being good enough, or not being able to do it, or that I am less than the activity I am doing and to within this go into a competition with myself where I compete with myself to prove my self – judgment right or wrong so that the mind as the Ego can get an energetic kick out of it, does not matter if it is good or bad.

Example – I have to built a new Desk for someone. Before I start I have the thoughts of - “ me making the desk and finishing it and it looks crap and not “perfect” and not stable or nice” – and to then have the back chat of – “Ok so I am not supposed to be able to do this Nice of Good as I have always or never in my life perfected anything” as the self judgment – and to then within this have fear/anxiety/stress the whole time while doing the job, the fears are that someone will Judge my work and tell me where I am doing it wrong or not good enough, or that I will finish the desk and the persons who’s desk it is will be disappointing and thus only confirm my self judgment and beliefs about myself – and this stresses me out as I work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as less than the Job/work that I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being the “guy” for the job, thus I will still do it but I will just not be able to do it perfect, seeing and realizing that I limit myself within this judgment and thus compromise myself from perfecting myself as the “guy” for the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself To fail myself for every job I have to do before I even do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do s Job such as building a new desk for someone to go into the mind as thoughts such as “ seeing myself already fucking up the desk” and to within that have back chat of “ Oh fuck I hope I do not fuck this up” within the fear of that if I fuck it up I will get punished and that I have wasted someones money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Learning something new within the already created expectation of myself of fucking up from the judgment of I am not able to do work that needs specificity and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes to perfect myself in any and all kinds of jobs within the fear of wasting someone else money, not seeing and realizing that as I have the fear/reaction within me of already fucking up that when I am actually doing the work, that I will be in constant anxiety/stress that takes away my focus here as breathe in each touch that gives away self direction and where I am then directed by UN-seen forces such as thoughts/feelings/emotions that will direct me and thus cause fuckups – seeing and realizing that the self judgment and fear is actually in fact only creating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Identify myself as a failure in anything I do due to past mistakes where I did not correct myself, and to have not identified myself as being unable to correct myself and only being able to make mistakes, not seeing and realizing that I never gave myself the chance to fix my mistakes and to learn from them without any judgment and to breathe and walk the correction, seeing and realizing that this is the solution and the way to self perfection in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I MUST make mistakes to learn and self perfect myself, not seeing and realizing that mistakes is simply a second chance and not a MUST, and thus it is possible to self perfect the first time through breathing and being here in each touch in and as the physical focused in and as one dimension and not multiple dimensions that will cause dimension shifts that causes one to “fuckup”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self – perfection as it will show to me that I am able and capable and that all self judgments and beliefs and all the fears I have accustomed to was BIG fucking LIE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear Losing my Fears and self judgments and Beliefs in the fear of losing my comfort zone as all my limitations that I have enslaved myself to – That I simply got accustomed to and never considered anything beyond them such as self perfection and just kept on living the Lies about myself I kept on telling myself.
To be Continued.

Day 156 - I can do This Continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to do something new such as a JOB in my life to think " I can not do this I am not mature enough" and to react to such thinking in a fearful way where I have the thought of " I see myself doing the new "job" and not being respected by the other people I work with and even get abused physically or emotionally" and to respond to the though within starting to create a new character that I belief will be "fit for the Job" where I will take on certain features and behaviors in defense of what I fear can/might happen such as changing my voice to a more deep manly voice, or start working out and pumping up my muscles to look stronger, or attempt to grow a beard to look older and tougher or to start wearing cloths that I belief will make me seem more rough and like I have had a tough life and know how to handle myself and situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to the thought of "seeing myself doing the new job and not being respected or being abused emotionally or physical" and to go into survival mode to prepare myself for fight or flight, not seeing and realizing that I am actually the one creating and making myself the danger to others and that is why they would want to harm me as to protect themselves as I would have created this image/Idea that imposes and threatens others, which creates fear in others and as they would do the same as me. And in the end we have both sides living in fear of each other and thus have more of a probability of someone hurting someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the idea/thought of being abused physically by other people I do not know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts of fighting and dying and abuse within my mind, just because I have a fear of strangers and that they are always the evil ones, never looking at myself and my actions and seeing how I am actually making myself the evil one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make other people as "always being the evil people" and that I am always the one that must defend myself against them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I always see/create/make everyone out there as the "evil people" and that I am the good one that must prepare myself to fight and defend myself not seeing and realizing that the other people are doing and thinking the same as me, and thus that is what creates the evil from fear as thoughts, two "good" sides believing the other side is evil and thus both prepare to harm one another out of the Made up fear of one another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that we live in a world system called capitalism that is based on the principal of some have and some does not have, and thus the whole world is turned against each-other in their minds in the fear of being the one that does not have, like billions of others around us, and thus everyone that does have - will fight each other and scheme against each other in order to win and not lose so that they can continue feeding themselves and their families, seeing and realizing that the thought patter I have and the fear is but a creation of a world that does not support people but leaves people to suffer and survive at any cost, and that how the Capitalistic system take "good" people and turn all into evil as humans that only know self interest - as if it is the only way to survive and live in this world and will die for self interest, as there is no other way to live currently, this is why the equal money system is the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear others humans through projecting what I know I am willing to do in the name of self interest and survival onto them and to within this continue the evil within, instead of stopping and living here physically within common sense and practicality and not thoughts/feeling/emotions and so Step by step change who I am and so change the world as who I am determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future in my mind within thoughts where I can only project my fears as becoming real in my future and thus only live in fear and create fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear and project into the future as my fears is me laying out a path for myself that I am telling myself I will walk and thus will create the fear to become real, seeing and realizing that this is really stupid and self abuse, instead of being here as all life in each breathe in consideration of all that is here within common sense and self honesty and to direct myself in each moment in consideration of all that is here, and not a a future projection that is actually just me projecting my fear that is a very limited and enslaved path to a certain idea/belief and not what is here in fact.

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up towards other humans/people to take a deep breath and to real(eyes) the reality here and to not give the mind that is literally not real in any way any attention and to breathe and forgive myself and to participate in reality with what I can see here and touch here and interact with here.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with seeking employment with an employee to breathe and stop the mind and to not give the mind any attention and to focus on the physical here as the truth and to direct and communicate accordingly and not to give into any feelings/emotions/thoughts that will sabotage and compromise me in achieving what needs to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with an employee and any self judgment comes up such as me feeling insecure or not mature enough or to young or not capable to stop and breathe and realize it is all in my mind literally, as I have proven to myself for years now that I can handle everything I have dealt with without ever really being prepared but to trust myself in the moment and to focus on the physical and not the limitations of the mind.

Day 155 - Am I ready.

Today Things in my life took a unexpected change of events, well it is planned to change, I made the decision to Go out into the matrix and do some work to make money.

I decided that I am going to investigate and see if it is possible for me to become a Truck Driver.

The first question that came up was - Am I ready to do this?

When I asked myself the question many things came up that revealed why I belief I am not ready, and Fear came in, not a lot or fear, just a general fear of something new, which should not be general lol.

The points that came.

Will I be accepted for such a job?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be accepted for such a job due to how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that how I look is important in relation to if I am able to do the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that others will judge if I can do the job or not due to how I look, seeing and realizing that this is my own judgment of myself where I have judged myself as looking to "young" to be able to be trusted with a job that is delegate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself due to my oneself judgment of I look to young and not mature enough to do the jobs that is meant for grown up people, or rather people that looks grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that how I look is just how I look, it isn’t who I am and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that only men that looks tough and strong and rough can get a job to drive a truck, as I have judged driving a truck as being a poor man’s job and where all poor people are tough as they have endured more suffering and pain in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to had suffered and endured pain in my life to become tough and strong and rough so that I can handle a job such as driving a truck where I have to live in a truck for days on the road and meeting and interacting with strangers and with the possibility of danger around every corner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a truck driver as there will always be the possibility of danger and that I fear I cannot handle it as I did not grow up in poor conditions that could have conditioned me to handle more abuse suck as being robbed/attacked/harmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when a person looks at me that has to hire me for the job of driving trucks will give me one look and say " you look to soft to handle such a job" and not give me the job just because of that, even though I know I am more than capable of doing such a job because of the process I have walked with Desteni for the last 4 years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by a person that employs people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be all excited about being a truck driver and when I go to apply for the job the person will say - sorry there isn’t any work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there will not be any work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make driving a truck the only option for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I am to young to do work such a driving a truck and having the responsibility of all the stuff in the truck and to get it to the delivery points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get my hopes up instead of breathing and walking in each breathe practicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of " I am failing me truck driver license and losing all hope of getting the job" to exist within me and to through this already fear not making it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future in and as the mind in projecting what might happen or not and thus compromise myself and sabotaging myself, instead of breathing here looking at the practical steps in each breathe in space and time and moving myself accordingly to get the job.

To be continued.

Day 154 – Walking with straight shoulders.

I have been working on walking straight for over 4 years now, as I have a kind of a hunch back anc avery weird forward neck.

It isnt supportive at all for my body and only causes pain and discomfort, yet WHY am I just not getting it, why do I keep lowering myself to LIFE and me being here, why do I belief within myself that I do not deserve to keep my head high and walk with self respect and honor.

Because I have noticed within my “attempts” to walk straight. I can do what I want but as long as Who I am and what I accept and allow within me does not change I will not walk Proper.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am with other people to think “ I am not allowed to Fill the room with my presence” as it will only be ego and that I will get judged for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect walking straight and with my body in proportion as being EGO as I have in the past only abused my body for the purpose of ego in walking straight and thus now as I am walking my process of self honesty and change where I have realized the points of EGO. I have connected EGO as bad and thus also the posture of my body as it always being EGO.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge walking straight and respecting my body and honoring my body as EGO, seeing and realizing that the moment I judge my body and the way I walk in posture as Ego I make it Ego, instead of breathing and stopping all EGO as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I am attempting to be more than others within walking straight and supporting my body and to within this lower my shoulders and making myself less than, instead of equal as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I walk through the Farm while having my shoulders pulled back to think “ I must look stupid attempting to change my body posture” and to within this become self conscious about what I am doing and to then have thoughts of certain people “ where I walk by them or where I am in their presence and they say stuff to me like – why are you walking so weird, or wow you have a big ego because of the way you walk, so high and mighty of yourself” and to then give up and give in and lower my shoulders slowly but surely and compromise my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I Physically adjust my body to a form of “perfect: structure in proportion of the physical object as my body to achieve perfection with and as my body – to judge myself and to think “ what if my body seems better than everyone else’s and they will feel inferior or less than because they cannot achieve perfection with their bodies” and to the within that have the thoughts of “ me being next to someone else and they act in their behavior towards me as inferior than me because of my dedication and success of change with my body while they are not achieving it” and to then simply give up on the effort to support my body, not seeing and realizing that the thinking and the thoughts id the EGO suppressing the body from actually change, so that I can be stuck within the mind within the same patterns over and over with the same thoughts/feelings/emotions coming up trapping myself within it all everyday doing the same procedure and so continue for years and years never actually taking the point on and changing it for myself and stop the pattern and all the mind fucks that go with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am trying to be more than others when I change my posture of my body to that which is supportive and equal and one with the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine what I am willing to do for myself through looking at others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately lower my shoulders and my head when I am in other peoples presence out of the fear of my own thoughts/judgments I have of myself and that others might say it out loud and then I am confronted with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my body has manifested the way it is now where my back is extremely bent and my shoulders are way to forward and my heck looks like a chicken neck and that it is all a manifestation of the mind Controlling the body through impulses such as thoughts/feelings/emotions and me validating them as true and acting on them, and thus resulting in no self respect and no self honor as the physical and thus always letting the mind win where I lower the physical body as if I am bowing down to the mind, saying yes MIND you are god and I obey and thus fucking up my body and my self-support.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself lowering myself when I am faced with other beings to stop and breathe and keep myself high/straight and support myself in those moments to STAND and not obey to the mind control over the body and to breathe and to give myself back to myself with real Will power, no matter what the mind throws at me as thoughts/feelings/emotions and BREATH.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself lowering myself to stop and realize that I am in the mind and not here as the physical as the body where I decide how the body must be and not the mind. As only giving power to the mind will result in my body physically mutating and deforming.

Day 153 oops I forgot to act appropriately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL bad when I did not ACT”

appropriately" in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel Bad when I ask someone for
Something and I did not smile or show a happy face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I did something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I "forget" to act when I am with other people either interacting or speaking that the Who I Am as the real me that I have to change is revealed, as the me that I actually hide when I act and play characters and thus feel bad or as If I did wrong when I am not acting and hiding the main character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I reveal Who I Am through not Acting or being in character is the part of me that I have judged as wrong and bad and thus I feel bad and as if I did something wrong when I forget to Act, and thus I see and realize that it is the main character that I fear revealing that I need to Change/Stop and to rebirth myself as the flesh and to not hide within acting and Characters as this only
Suppresses the main character I fear revealing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the characters I am acting out in play is the opposite of the character I am hiding/fearing to reveal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I feel bad or as if I did something wrong when I forget to act or be in character because I know that the
character that is revealed is the one that must be changed as it is a character that is based on self interest and NOT what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am aware of the main character as I can only play the many characters I do everyday due to the awareness of the main character I want to hide, and thus I keep the main character in my secret mind where I feed it and keep it alive as the thoughts/judgments/opinions I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear living as me as the real character and to within that work with what is here and that is relevant instead of continuously creating sub characters to hide the main character and to then having to first work through the sub characters and then only the main one, and all of this just because I fear what others will think of me facing Who I am in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my process about others, instead of seeing and realizing that my process is about myself and that who i am includes all live and thus others as me, so it is to work with myself as ALL that is here one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me as the main character in real time in breathe where I can face my main character without it effecting others around me in a harmful way, seeing and realizing that as long as I always take everything back to self and direct my reality practically and within common sense and not on thoughts/feelings/emotions then I will be able to walk myself effectively in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the character that always pops up when I forget to Act or play my role where I am protected and approved of, as I know and see that the character that always pop up is that of fairness/self righteousness/frustration/anger/depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as the characters that i hide, and to within this hide the characters and never facing them real time to transcend them in and as breathe within self honesty and common sense and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stress myself out within the idea/belief that I MUST no matter what always be in character and acting appropriately or I will DIE somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being questioned when I am not in character as I know and see that when I stop the characters that hide the character I fear exposing that people will definitely see another side to me and that I will have to explain, as I see and realize that the explanation is what I fear, as I will have to admit that all I was and have presented myself to be is a lie and that the character I am exposing is also a still a lie, as the only real truth as Who I am is here as Life as the physical and not characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that any state of mind/experience I am within s a character as part of the polarity games of energy, and thus the only real truth is here as the breath where there is no thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will create a EVIL character when I let go of all the other characters that hide the "evil" character Idea I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret hidden Evil character within me from the fear of having an evil hidden character within me if I had to stop all the other pretentious characters that always present themselves as happy and smiling and okay and good and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is all but a polarity play out of the same coin - as I Play out Positive Characters MOST of the time I generate all the negative energy I deny I create within me in secret creating a hidden monster that I fear, because I know I am hiding the other half of the coin as the negative form most people and that it has to go somewhere. As this is most of the time taken to a secret place it will grow and grow as I do not attend to it within self forgiveness and STOP.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself play out a positive character to stop and see why and to take a deep breath and to not play out any one of the polarities and to not deny any polarity, and to breathe through the experiences and to investigate the points and how I create them, to stop and bring myself back to what is here as Life as the physical one and equal, and to not Fare being exposed as I see and realize that the Good character is just as bad as the bad character and vice verse, as they both require each other and that my opinion I have of "it is better to play out the good characters rather than the bad ones is misguided as both are the same simply a different experience and that it is not Best for all life in all ways to play out either one polarity as both feed and nourish each other. Thus it is to breathe and remain here with no
Judgment.

Day 152 - Fear of Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here in breathe where there is no mind that controls my every movement, instead of me living in and as my movement in awareness of me here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect living to an energetic experience of either good or bad, not seeing and realizing that as long as I rely on being alive to be based on a feeling then I can never live as the feelings/emotions is always dependent on the input. And thus I see and realize that I am LIFE and thus always Life and that the fear of living is me holding me back as LIFE as the mind as thoughts feeling and emotions that puts limits on Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I move and direct my day to do so dependent on how I feel, and that I will only enjoy my day if I feel alive, instead of realizing I am LIFE and thus as LIFE I am here living as the physical and thus feelings and emotions and thoughts are but limiting me from expressing myself in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control all my movements in my
Daily participation with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through controlling all my life thought thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am here and that waiting for a feeling or an emotion to make me feel alive is me only hiding in fear of living here and seeing what is actually here as me as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD myself back within life as LIFE through the thoughts/feelings/emotions I participate within that only controls my behavior
according to fear and survival of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive my expression must always be BIG and wonderful and remember able.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being alive to a energetic experience that feels BIG and that take over my body, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact only limiting myself to that experience to be able to feel alive and thus enslave myself to a lifelong search to feel alive for this energetic experience and thus never living here as the breathe that is always here as LIFE and not subject or limited to any or only one thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the thoughts/feeling/emotions that control my everyday movements and behaviors in the name of survival and to actually live here as the breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mind control as the thoughts/feelings/emotions where my mind controls my body in complete limitation and enslavement to energy and to fear who I will be without the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, where I let go of knowing as the three of knowledge of good and evil, and where I decide t eat from the tree of life that is neither good not evil but only what is best for all life in all ways and thus not knowledge or information needed to LIVE but to simply LIVE as LIFE one and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and aso I am within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I am actually literally mind control myself as the body and thus not living but controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control I have limited myself to as a belief of what life is and to actually live here in each breathe that is unknown yet known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive means I must be doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive I just do out of the ordinary things, not seeing and realizing that through such a belief I am only validating the belief that I am not alive when I am not doing something out of the ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make living difficult for myself through placing being alive outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make living a feeling and thus to within this always being in search of life instead of seeing and realizing that I am literally already LIFE as the physical and thus I am here alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm life as I seek to be alive outside of myself as separate from life here through taking what is here and to turn it all into a energy experience at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within the belief of I must feel alive to be alive I am actually only contradicting myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I place being alive in a feeling/emotion that I am actually telling myself I am a zombie walking around in search of/and feasting of LIFE and devouring LIFE to feed myself just to feel alive, and thus create a system that is no different such as capitalism where the system keeps on feeding on earth just to keep it alive even at the cost of earth (life).

I commit myself to when and as I see myself seeking to be alive, to stop and breathe and realize I am here already LIFE in and as the physical as plain simple common sense can show me in all ways possible and that seeking to be alive is a symptom of brainwashing and mind control that has been deliberately created within the world to make people BUY buy and BUY so that money can be made and so that a very few people can become stinking rich because everyone is in search for LIFE, while it is a search that can never be achieved as long as everyone do not see the obvious and look to self and what is HERE. The perfect scam..

Day 151 – Asking for Milk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when our house runs out of milk and I have to go to the other house to ask for more milk, to feel guilty for asking for more milk, as I believe that me asking for more milk is me taking their milk just so that I may have for instance a cup of coffee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the guilt is only a feeling I have when asking for milk because I was raised and brought up in a system where LIFE cost money and within that I have developed guilt when I ask for something simple as milk for coffee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others when I go to them asking for more milk, within the fear that they will judge me for using lots of milk and only making the monthly expenses more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that asking for more milk DOES make the monthly expensed more and thus more money must be spend for me to have more milk, I see and realize that it is not a point to feel guilty about but to check Who I am when I ask for milk and what thoughts/back chat I participated within to have accumulated fear when asking for milk and guilt when I receive milk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use milk daily from the starting point of indulging in drinking milk because I resist drinking water as i have judged water as not “tasting” like anything and so instead of drinking what worse and what is here I down a litre of milk a day that does cost more money, all for the sake of a thought/belief in my mind that I have about water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink milk every time I open the fridge till it is finished, and to then when it is finished -- I know I did it purposely not considering the actual reasons/purposes we bought milk for, such as coffee or cereal, and now that I finished it I have to now go and get more milk for the rest of the house for the coffee and cereal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I created the guilt and fear when I ask for milk through my actions in the past where I made decisions within the secret mind that is always based on self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I pen the fridge and I see the milk and I think in my mind “ OH just a few sips quickly” and then take a few sips that it ads up to me finishing a whole bottle a day as I entertained the thought that was backed up with justifications such as “ a few sips will not make a difference”, “I deserve a few sips”, “ I am hot and the cold milk will cool me down” and to then play out the actions of drinking the milk till it is done at the end of the day, knowing we ALL still had to use milk for purposes that includes the whole group, and now I have to go to another house and ask for milk that they have and did not finish in self interest like I did and take their milk from them and to within this as the fear – fear that my actions would be questioned for why we run out of so much milk so fast, that I also then know costs more money and that the money could have been spend on something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I keep on entertaining the thought every time I open the fridge to drink the milk and to then act out on it because I refuse to actually re-hydrate my body through drinking water, due to the judgments/opinions I have created around water and so have all the outflows of all the consequences JUST within my life within this one situation on this one point, not yet looking at my life where all points is playing out like this and costing literally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop and breathe and simply drink a glass of water and to see what is real and not - and obviously to be most practical within the current reality of this world where everything functions with money and where everything costs money that I do, even opening the fridge door every time I just want to take one sip of milk and that it is not to judge or demonize the milk or from having a sip, but to stop the part where I am literally only consuming for the sake of it and not addressing the point practically and thus only cost money and compromise the house and other houses all because I was following one thought.

I commit myself to when and as I open the fridge for any reason and I see the milk to not drink the milk, and to instead go and fill up a cup of water and drink the water and to stop the attempt to quench my first with everything I can BUT water - and to actually support my body with water as 70% of me is water and thus it is but only common sense and to stop wasting money on mind bullshit that isn’t real but only self indulgence.

Day 150 – Living Commitment – Day 21 of 21 – False Image Stability Final.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on breathing that I started to focus on my breathing as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my breathing limited to a certain idea of breathing where I only breathe and do not live HERE in and as the physical where my breathe expands into al that is here as awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I focus on my breathing within in me I compromise myself within interacting in my reality as the breathing becomes a Thought within me where I breathe in reaction to a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have made breathing an obsession where I breathe as the mind instead of breathing HERE as all that is here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I walk around in my day to focus so much on breathing that I am not aware as my breath as all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I make breathing my only focus then I cannot interact or be aware of LIFE HERE as breath as the breathe becomes internal instead of expanding me as life in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe as a mind awareness instead of a physical one and equal breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have created a breathing character as the mind, where I play the role of "I am focusing on breathing now" and that this role becomes the main characters only role and thus I see and realize I have trapped myself/limited myself to only play this role of "breathing" instead of breathing in fact here as a living expression of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make breathing role I must play, instead of breathing here as the physical naturally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so in fear of not breathing and having thoughts that I have become breath obsessed and within this literally only internalize my reality instead of expanding me in each breath as LIE here, where my in breathe is bring all LIFE here and my out breathe is me expanding myself into and as all LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I focus on my breath internally I am only validating the breathe as having to work on the internal reality and thus never truly expand as LIFE as what is here in and as the physical in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my breathe only on breathing through mind possessions and internal energies and thoughts and stopping them, and through only doing this I have programmed and patterned my breathe to only function for this reason and so I will only breathe to work on the internal reality and never become aware of what is here as all life as I train my breathe to not be expansive but only limited to working with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have for so long focused on breathing just WITHIN me that my breath has become a inner reality anticipating the next inner conflict, and thus I see and realize that I have only been breathing and literally trained my breathe to only anticipate the mind and the energetic experiences, instead of moving from the mind as the breathe expanding me here as life as the physical where the breath is not longer subject to only be a function of working through mind fucks, but to be here as LIFE where a mind fuck is simply a breathe to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I walk everyday all day only breathing to get through points that I am only telling my body that I am breathing only to work through the same patterns every day, instead of training my breathe HERE out of the mind in and as the physical in actual awareness of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my breathe through being so focused on stopping my inner reality that I have not considered to actually breathe here as the physical reality, and thus the compromise is me breathing inward instead of outwards as all life only re-creating the inner reality as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative energy experience to breathing as I have only used my breathe to work on stopping the mind and everything I have judged as the mind as negative and bad and wrong, and so I have also judged the breathing as a implication of I must be in the wrong now as I need to focus on breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a judgment/experience to breathing that creates and generate fear and anxiety within me the whole time as I belief I am only now breathing because I am fucked or will be fucked or that I am bad, instead of breathing to actually in fact be here out of the mind and as the physical reality, where I am aware of everything here as me, that I can be aware of a fly on the wall.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself breathing only to generate inner experiences to stop and realize I am not breathing as breathing isn’t a focus on the mind as a mind focus and that breathing is breathing here as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself breathing to stop a thought and the thought does not stop here instantly, that I am not breathing but actually in breathe only focusing on the thought and thus keeping the thought here, as breathing is a physical act where a thought can come and simply in a single breath go, as the breathe is a breathe and not a focus on the thoughts/feeling/emotion.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself within a energetic experience of myself of emotion/feeling/thought and I am breathing to breathe through the experience and the experience isn’t stopping but continue, to see and realize for myself that my breathing is actually giving/participating in the experience as a mind breathing, and so to BREATH here as the physical where I breath all LIFE here and breathe myself our into life as life as to make that the actual focus of my breathing here.

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant expectation of the worst to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the worse that can happen to me is being yelled at and that my "stable" calm mode will be disrupted and that I will within this have a mind fuck about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be disrupted by an outside force and that this can be the worst that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of being disrupted, seeing and realizing that for me to be able to be disrupted like a volcano erupting is only showing me that I hide a lot of stuff within me that I keep secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I keep secret within me such as thoughts will be revealed at any moment and that I will be exposed and that within this I will not be stable and calm and at peace with myself but the opposite, and within that I do not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear to come out will come out as nothing is secret but only hidden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown as who I am when I am not stable, seeing and realizing that I have seen who I am when I am not stable and since then I have only tried to hide that part of myself in the fear of this "me" showing himself when I am unstable, and thus hide all behaviours/mannerism from others and rather put on a face of stability in the hope that It will go away.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself in writing and applying self forgiveness as the Who I am when I am unstable/disrupted and to stand one and equal as me in actual stability as breathe, living self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my process on others and what they might think of me, realizing that within this I am not really facing myself in self writing and self forgiveness as I am doing everything from the starting point of only seeming to be stable, as I am trying to keep the stable image I limit myself to ever go into what is here as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as the mind and to walk for MYSELF my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process of purifying myself and standing as life on and equal in self sabotage and compromise as I limit myself within the belief that I must always only SEEM stable, yet I am not within myself stable at all, as long as I accept and allow one thought to run through me or one energetic experience I am not stable no matter what I try and present to others, thus I see and realize it isn’t what I present to others as being stable or not but that who I am as walking my process for myself, and that I do not accept and allow any thoughts/experiences within me and to not judge anything within me, as the judgment/opinion is purely me limiting myself form actually walking a point for real and stopping thoughts as the judgment only suppress or express curtain part as judgment is always based on good or bad, right or wrong and thus imitating me to actually work with all points equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any opinion/judgment I have in relation to the experiences I have or the thought will only make the thoughts more and so the experiences as well, instead of breathing and not judging no matter what and thus not participating and giving it attention and so it is simple to breathe through the point, as I see this I yet have to actually realize it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see thoughts/backchat happening within me to have the back chat of "Shit I am thinking I must stop" and to within this react and have a fear/anxious energy building up within me towards me having thoughts/backchat as the judgment I have when I say "shit I am thinking I must stop" is negatively charged and fear based as being wrong and that I am bad person. Realizing that yes thoughts are only abuse and not real and a lie, and this is not a point to fear/react from but to understand and to stop as breathe.

To be continued.

Day 148 – Living Commitments – Day 19 of 21 – False Image - Stability

Image of what I would Like instead of being in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be Stable as a Image of my likeness of being stable, realizing that within this I am but only am image and thus the stability isn’t real as who I am as the physical as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Focus on a Image that I like of what I belief to present stability and to only be concerned about this image and to present myself as stable to show to others that I have Changed and am stable now – look at me I am stable, seeing and realizing that within this I never look inward at myself as the thoughts/feelings/emotions and only suppress and deny all thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus create a build up of anxiety/fear/stress.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as I suppress/deny the thoughts/feeling/emotions within me just to sustain the Image of stability I become anxious/stressed as the thoughts/feelings/emotions built up and the image becomes fragile and thus I go into fight or flight mode where I attack/react to everything and everyone that threatens to break the image I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I access fight or flight mode when I have suppressed/denied what goes on within me and only bottled it up while I present an image that is seemingly stable, and that anyone or anything that can Cause Instability within me through creating more thoughts/feelings/emotions is seen as a threat and I will thus either run/hide or impose/fight to not show what is truly going on within me but to rather sustain the exclusionary image of stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through presenting an image of stability to all those around me within the suttle belief that it will make me stable, yet it is only making me more reactive/angry and irritated and thus only becoming a danger to myself as I will do anything to defend myself to keep the image instead of simply focusing on MySelf and what I accept and allow within me in each moment and to write and self forgive what is going on within me and to actually stabilize myself as breathe in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief it is wrong to “look” unstable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as “weak” when I do not seem stable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work through the points in my life that I face daily as myself unconditionally even if it means I will be unstable for a moment and not LOOK right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that seem “unstable” and thus I want to always look stable in order to not be seen as a fear factor to others, yet I become a danger to myself through pretending and not working on my daily points just to keep up with the image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that if I have thoughts and I am working through them and I look unstable – which will show all around me that I am in thoughts that I will be seen as weak and unable to stop thoughts, and to instead of working through the thoughts I instead Look stable and suppress/deny thoughts which creates a inner bomb. Thus I realize it is best for myself to rather look unstable but to at least work on the points in the moments and to purify myself so that I can be stable in fact as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself in my actions and my image as someone that is stable and better than everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that stability is not with how one looks and present themselves, stability is self here as breathe, and breathe is possible in all physical ways and not within a perfect picture Idea of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as unstable, not seeing and realizing that within the fear of not being stable I act out a character that pretends to be stable on the outside, not seeing and realizing that within doing this where I make stability a picture I do not look/focus on what is going on within me but rather on the outside, causing me to become unstable within what is going on within me and bottling it all up but never expressing it just to keep the image.

To be Continued.