Day 159 – Hurting my Back Muscle and Uselessness.

Yesterday I hurt my back – my right muscle that runs along my spine went in a Spasm, this is when the muscle contracts and causes extreme pain due to Spinal injuries, search it up.

I have had this pain for almost a year, if not longer.

I refused to check it out with a doctor, because the pain would come for a day and it would be fine the next day, every time I had the pain I would not tell anyone. as the day goes by I massage it here and there by myself. I was able to “get away” with it because it wasn’t that bad yet.

I thought it was my kidneys due to the location I was feeling the pain at. So I did not even consider it could be a muscle that got ripped and isn’t healing because I just kept on working.

So why did I not STOP and take a real look at what is going on and just assumed and continued compromising myself and in the end my entire body and life. When I look at the point and every time I had the pain and what I used to justify why it isn’t that bad or why I do not need a doctor I see the following.


First of all I did not want to take a look at the pain or mention it to anyone because I Feared that if there is something wrong with my back then that will mean I cannot do work, I cannot get stuff done on the farm and thus everyone that relies on me to do Things for them will have to suddenly now wait for me, and with things like horse and other duties - other people will have to work extra on my behalf, so I feared that I will become a burden, or a problem for others as I cannot fulfill their needs/requests.
So now in the current situation this is exactly what manifested – that which I fear, if I went earlier I might not have had to face the point as I do now.

I hurt my back two days ago when I had to refill the chicken seed in one of the chicken camps – I was asked the day before by a girl as she cannot do it, thus she relied on me to do it so she can continue with her daily duty, If I could not do it no one else could (I assumed), the day before I had the extreme pain in my back already, but as always I ignored it and believed it will go away as usual. This did not happen, as I picked up the 50kg bag everything was fine, I was carrying the bag for about 30 meters already and then, when I got to the second gate I wanted to change the position the bag was on my shoulders to open the gate easier, as I twisted the bag, something terrible happened in my back, it was extremely painful. I breathed and said (backchat) “it will go away, just get the bag to the chickens and then it is over” - once I was done with the chicken feed I walked around with extreme pain in my back, I could not bend my back, I struggled breathing and my back was pulling to the one side and I could not stop it. I did not tell anyone again – as I feared that as soon as I tell anyone I have to stop working and rest, now if I stop working and rest a lot of things on the farm that involves a lot of people also stops, this is an inconvenience for them.

I hate being a inconvenience to people as I fear they will hate me for it and judge me for it and actually start fighting me for it, and I see this is what I do in secret towards others when they are sick or got hurt and eel that they are not placing more work/pressure on me and so I fear becoming what I judge.
So the last two days I haven’t been working or doing my other duties as I went to a Chiropractor and found not just a Muscle that is going into spasms – My right Hip bone has been out for a long time which cause the muscle to pull more which then placed pleasure on my entire spine which cause two bones in my spine to slide out of place which in the end cause my muscle to tear and thus I ended up where I am now with the extreme spasms, It could have been worse if I waited longer the chiropractisioner said, I could have fractured a bone in my spine If I did not come and thus I would have required surgery.

So I see here how my back chat and secret mind fucked with my entire body over space and time.

I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind just not to mention the pain or the problem or to get help, one main Belief I entertained about myself was that I might be indestructible LOL – sounds funny but it is true, I believed that I could not get hurt or that if I do get pain I can simply quickly heal and it is over, and that I can do with my body just what I want and nothing will happen, and this belief is/was created to justify why I do not need help or why I do not need to tell anyone or get a doctor to look at it.

Till that one day – BAM the manifested consequences fucks me over as the result of participating in the mind as thoughts, back chat and all the other shit in there instead of stopping it and following common sense and the Physical.

To be continued.