Day 163 – Hurting My Back Final.

I hurt my back a couple of days ago – and I started writing in my Journey to Life blog on the point of hurting my back. Day

I have been writing about how it happened and then I went into the past into how I saw it all manifested and so forth, what I did not see was, that the moment I took the point of hurting my back and I started stretching it over space and time laying out all the points is that I was justifying how I hurt my back and why I was/am in the current situation I am in as being useless.

Let me explain – when I hurt my back – IN that moment I was faced with a decision and I was aware of this decision, the decision I had to make in the moment was if I am going to breathe or go into the mind about the point, I decided in the moment to go into the mind and thus FEAR – instead of breathing.

What happened when I went into fear – I had backchat and thoughts, the back chat was “Oh shit what if this is serious and my back is damaged” and the thoughts was -> “seeing a picture of me unable to move or do things as I was paralyzed or something like that” then I had Fear – the fear was a reaction and thus all my movements/actions was to prevent the fear from coming real, BUT what also was happening in that moment was me giving signals to my body that there is something TERRIBLY wrong with my Back, and thus I started experiencing something terribly wrong with my back.

How Do I know this – if you read my first blog you will see I say in there that I have been having this pain for almost a year now – every single time I had the pain before - I breathed and moved on, this pain occurred in specific moments where I picked something heavy up with my back – so the pain kept on occurring and I healed my back ALL the other times through breathing and moving my body into Correction – and it was corrected every time, it did not have any effects on my Life at all except for the few minutes every time it occurred – I was able to continue doing heavy work and lifting heavy things and being a working guy.

This particular day when I lifted the back of chicken feed up I had the back pain again – I re-created it in that moment – it wasn’t a re-occurring pain from previous times – I literally hurt my back every time newly. So this time I Felt the pain more because of How I moved the bag over my neck (different from all the other times)– which was a different movement and thus a different pain – All I had to do was to in that moment breathe and correct myself in the moment – believe it or not it is possible to correct your body yourself – we as humans have limited ourselves completely out of fear.

So as I hurt my back on that particular day I accepted and allowed FEAR – where previous times I did not have fear but I just breathed and moved my body to correct my body and continued working and lifting and doing the hard farm work. Some of the previous time the pain was worse than this time I got it.

So what is it that I see happened– after it happened I was thinking about it – instead of correcting it physically – and because I was thinking, my mind was jumping to every single fear and conclusion and whatever else could go wrong, I was thinking shit what if this is because of accumulation from all the other times and now it is time to pay, what if this is a point of neglecting my body because I did not do anything all the previous time, Oh crap I am in deep shit, I will face the consequences of thinking I can handle this myself every time It happened, - SEE how I gave away all Self trust as the physical to the mind – and what was the obvious next thing to come up – I NEED a doctor – Motivated by Fear.

The doctor was purely needed just to ease down my fears and to make me feel save again – not even fixing my back as the main point – and when I was at the doctor that doctor gave me all of this information about my back and what was Out of place and how it could have happened and so forth and then there was even more fear and thinking and thoughts and I just kept on giving all these signals to my body, almost like this --> BODY!!! There is something terrible wrong with you, you are HARMED and have been ABUSED and you must FEAR this because it can mean DANGEROUS things for you and YOU MUST now act accordingly and feel the pain accordingly and you now must be BROKEN – OH my god body you can be paralyzed and you must be in so much pain right now, and you must be feeling crap right now, and you must be tired right now etc etc etc. – this is all the signals I was sending my body through participating in Backchat and thoughts, Instead of breathing.

This is the signals I would have given my Body if I was breathing --> ( ) Nothing no signals. And within giving my body no signals I could have actually literally PHYSICALLY corrected myself as all the other times

How much credit do we humans give our own bodies – we ARE our bodies – so why can we not AS our Bodies move a bone back into place that went out, why do we need surgery and doctors for everything – why can we not simply when we have a virus move the virus out of our bodies as or bodies – Because we are not aware of our bodies and we exist as only as our MINDs as complete limitation and that is why we now suddenly require outside forces to fix us that “study” our bodies – why do we need someone to study What we are in fact – because we are not aware of anything as our bodies.

So after I had a chat with another persona and these points were brought o my attention I was kind of knocked over – I asked the person – So wait a minute, it is possible to correct ourselves even with something such as a spasm in a single moment?? (search up what a spasm is), and the other person replied – well not instantly maybe in about 15min or so because the correction is You moving yourself into correction as the body as the physical, and the other person said – I cracked my back once and corrected myself – I found this unbelievable and kind of impossible – and there was my problem, I tried to understand it with my mind and how it can be possible, because I was raised with FEAR and that doctors is always needed for everything and that without doctors you can’t do anything.

So I was still in pain when I heard about this, I was still in the “healing” process – then the other person said – you have to trust it absolutely = no thoughts about it, thoughts are doubt. And no back chat, as back chat is uncertainty. And then I said fuck it and I breathed and I started moving myself into correction and not continue on the path I was on for the last couple of days with healing myself in justification.

Within a couple of Minutes my back pain was gone, I went back to doing horses and everything else I always do as normal work. NO PAIN. I breathed and stopped any and all mind related Bullshit, I moved my body in correction as the muscle and as the whole body breathing. No thinking. I failed this days ago when the pain and the “damage was still extensive, I will walk this point again and I will correct myself in the moment and then I will write about it..

Now I am not saying do not go to a doctor if you hurt your back, I am not saying when you break something of your body to not go to a doctor, we as a human race is quite far from learning this in full context – I would suggest to anyone to walk the 7 year Journey To Life blogs/writing where we rebirth ourselves as LIFE as the physical and to stop the mind so that we can get to the stage of healing our own bodies and correcting it as ourselves.

As I have given quite a nice example of how the mind over takes the physical and fuckes with us and everything if we accept and allow it.

But while we all are still fucked by the mind and cannot yet comprehend the physical and what exactly is possible a doctor will be needed (chiropractor) and in the mean time learn to heal ourselves.

Are you aware of every cell in your body? – Imagine you are and what can be possible as the physical, this requires no mind no thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat.

Investigate Desteni and rebirth yourself as Life.

This blog is of my own process and I am still within “theory” of it all as I am walking it. This is me laying it all out within seeing the mind and the physical and debunking some beliefs for myself that I had.

Day 162 – Hurting my Back Self Forgiveness Part 2

 Continuing from Day 161

Quote: “I am walking outside – I just came form the dam, I am tired and hot, my body feels like a bag of sand that can just lay down – we have been laying bags of sand on the dam wall all morning, this is about 4 hours of working with heavy bags, moving them and picking them up and so forth. I just want to get to the house and take my gumboots off, my feet are boiling in them and it feels like the skin can tear off my toes – I get irritated by this and I am hungry.” Quote end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am done with work such as lifting and moving bags all morning – to go into the mind as thoughts where I see/project myself into the future of a desired place I want to be after work, and to within this compromise myself here in the present to deal with what is here as I am now only moving myself in the present in no awareness only “locked on” to the desired place I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no see and realize that when and as I go into or have thoughts of future projection where I see myself in my house taking my gumboots off and just sitting down and having a rest, that I am within this compromising myself within the present and what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I create future projections as thoughts as a desired moment in the future – that I will create conflict and reactions within the actual current present moments here as anything that comes up in the moment here will be a conflict of interest to what I have foreseen myself doing, and to within this “rush” and not do things properly in full consideration and awareness as for example if I am asked to take down a crate from a shelf while I am walking to/into my future projection that I will rush it and harm myself/my body as I reacted/resisted the task that was asked of me in the present moment – instead of breathing being here where I can consider what is here and accordingly move and direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am don with work such as lifting and moving heavy bags all morning and my feet are saw from wearing and tearing them in gumboots and thus feel like they are burning and is saw – to make and create it into a thought/feeling experience that leads to me rushing myself and not being aware of what is here, but that it is to BREATH and be here and to see what I can do in the present practically to solve the problem, as the present solution will be to see that I can take off my gumboots at the nearest area where it is “save” and thus do not have to wait till I only get to my house and in between still wear them the whole time – seeing and realizing that because I went into thought/projection instead of breathing I missed the obvious point/solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am done with heavy work – to use the Idea/belief that I have done heavy work as a reason excuse in my mind as back chat – for/when someone asks me to do something on my way back home, to be able to say NO I worked hard already and I am tired and want to get my gumboots off and eat – and where I use these points in back chat to generate a case in court where I can defend my justifications/reasons to not help or to why I am helping but that it is me being KIND as a way of threatening people, as if I am saying, If I wasn’t kind you would have been suffering now – instead of seeing and realizing that Breathing is the actual real solution where there is no reasons and justifications needed to what is here, so If I am breathing and someone asks me to do something for them such as lifting crates off a shelf, that I would not react and answer from a programmed response, but that I would be able to consider the physical which would be what is here, where I look at my body in the moment and if I am capable of helping or not – thus making it a yes or no answer and to direct the situation practically from here, this is ten time s simpler and better and no ego that can feel it got harmed or have to prove something etc.
To be Continued.

Day 161 – Hurting my Back Continued With Self Forgiveness

Continuation of Day 160 – Hurting my back and uselessness – continued.

Quote: “I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do whatever they ask of me and that it makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...” end quote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play the “kind” character that assumes the position of having to do what everyone asks of me, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I play the Kind character that I will within this go into EGO as the mind as a energetic movement where I ACT out on the energy and move myself as a energy and thus not consider the physical and practical ways of doing things and the consequential outflows of my actions as my actions will only be that which supports and maintain the KIND character - even if it means compromising myself and harming my body within my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play the “kind” character that assumes the position of having to do what everyone asks of me to do, as I belief it is the appropriate way to behave when someone asks me to do something, instead of seeing and realizing that when I am asked to do something that it is not to immediately jump and do it, but to see what needs to be done practically and thus accordingly move and direct to get it done, this can mean I can either do it alone or direct myself to get help and get the job done, thus it is not a matter of I was asked and thus only I must do it, it is a point that requires direction that was given to me and thus I can direct it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself within and as EGO as a energetic movement where I compromise my body and harm my body as I see and realize that when and as I am within an energetic possession as the mind – I cannot consider that physical and all that is here in fact as the actuality of it, as the EGO energy is only acting out to maintain the character to maintain the act and thus to feel useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone ask me to do something for them to have the belief that Only I must do it as I am asked. Thus within this belief that comes from the Character of being NICE - compromise myself in my actions such as Picking up a heavy crate all alone, instead of asking for help, believing that if I ask someone to help me with lifting the heavy crate that I will be a burden to them as I was the one that got asked and not them, and to within this instead suffer within myself as a form of “sacrificing” myself in the name of being kind lifting the heavy crate all along, harming my body which will in the long run have consequential outflows such as spine injuries and back spasms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see ands realize that it is not about me not being able to life a heavy crate all along, it is about the starting point of wanting to do it all alone and that within the starting point being ego as an energetic movement that poses the body where the body moves as an energy, that I within this movement do not move my body one and equal to life the crate, but that I instead as the EGO move my body to only LOOK good as the Kind character that isn’t in support of hat I am doing as lifting the crate and thus harming my body and causing injuries and consequences that can in the long run be permanent such as spinal injuries where I use only my back to lift things up instead of using my legs more and supporting the whole body, as this movement requires one to be here in breathe in full awareness and not a energetic movement as the mind as EGO.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do whatever someone asked of me to do such as Lifting a heavy crate all by myself, so that I may feel Useful and that the person who asked me to do the thing for them will find me useful as they now know they do not have to bother anyone else to do such a job as many other people, but that they only have to ask me as I can do the job all alone when I am asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly make myself useful in the eyes of others through compromising and harming my body in doing the heavy lifting all alone by myself and to “show” that others are not required for the job as I can do it all alone, thus creating and making myself an exception from the rest as making myself a commodity for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I am doing is possible and that it is simply to change the starting point and to within that still do what I know I can do where it does not harm my body, and to when and as I see that what is asked of me may harm my body to stop and breathe and ask for more help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Act as the Kind character within the fear of that if I am not kind that I will render myself useless to everyone else around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not act kindly to others that I will not be seen as useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be Kind to others out of the fear of not having value in their eyes, not seeing and realizing that I do not value myself and thus seek it within others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value within others and what I can do for them, and thus within this seek thing that only I can do to sustain the value I belief I am receiving from them, not seeing and realizing that within this I make my own self worth/value nothing as I will go into the polarity of this point if no one has anything for me to do, seeing and realizing that self worth/value comes from who I am as Life as the physical as all that is here one and equal and thus not from anything outside of myself, and that Who I am determines what I do.

To be Continued..

Day 160 – Hurting my Back and Uselessness – Continued.

In yesterdays Blog I gave a few updates on the situation with my back and how I have created/manifested the consequences in a few examples, yet there are thousands.

So Today I am going to walk a scenario of such event where this character plays out.
What is the character that i Play in front of everyone. I red my blog from yesterday again and I saw a very interesting spelling mistake.

Here it is.
“I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind”

Notice the word KIND that was supposed to be Mind, this I saw as very specific – because I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do what ever they ask of me and that is makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...

So here is the scenario.

I am walking outside – I just came form the dam, I am tired and hot, my body feels like a bag of sand that can just lay down – we have been laying bags of sand on the dam wall all morning, this is about 4 hours of working with heavy bags, moving them and picking them up and so forth. I just want to get to the house and take my gumboots off, my feet are boiling in them and it feels like the skin can tear off my toes – I get irritated by this and I am hungry.

As I am walking by the house I hear someone calling me “Gian” – I know within myself they will want me to do something for them – I think “ what is it they want, I am tired, I really do not want to talk and do something for them” – it is a girl calling my name so I know it can only be one of two things I can do for them, either lifting or doing something heavy or fixing/building something for them – I say yes what is it – the girl comes up to me and say, can you help me? I reply back – depends with what and how long it will take. I am already resisting a bit because I am tired and irritated by the gumboots,

I really just want to get them off and in my mind as back chat I am say to myself – I have already been working hard all morning, don't make me work hard again, I am hungry and tired and my body is saw” kind of like already creating statements that I can use for when I am asked to something I don't want to, to use them to get out of it.

I take a deep breathe and tell myself – Ok I can do this – the girl asks me to take down the big black container in the bathroom, it is full of bedding stuff, someone new is coming to the farm so they are preparing the beds and so forth, I say okay – Back chat -> “ I have no choice, no one else is going to take that off, this needs to be done now because the people are busy with it now, and the new people are coming tomorrow” I walk to the bathroom, I know the black box is heavy and very uncomfortable to take off, I really physically have no problem taking it off, the only difficulty it the location it is in (the amount of space to work with to take it off)

So I grab a chair and I get on the chair and I grab the box where ever I can, I start pulling the box and I secretly think -> “ shit it is heavier then last time, but! because I could do it last time I have to show that I can do it this time, otherwise the girls will not be able to rely on me anymore to do this job for them and they will always see it as a burden to ask me”... this triggers a ego point within me – Backchat ->I must do this and I must do it alone. So I pull the box and I lift it up, I realize there is no where to go with the box once it is in the air, the limited space around me to work with this box is compromising my actions, I force my body to bend weird and hurt it a little bit, the girls are at the bottom asking me, are you alright? I reply every time yes!, I say okay take the box once it is low enough for you guys, as I lower the box I feel the muscles in my arms going powerless and I think –> the box might fall SHIT!!” I do not say anything and instead compromise my body once again, I hurt my back a bit putting that extra muscle into it to contain the box.

I get down and make everything seem okay – the girls ask me – will you just wait and then when we are done put it back – I say yes sure thing. I wait and they are done and I put the box back up, backchat - > “putting the box back isnt that hard.”

I walk away and feel that I have served well today – I helped someone today with something they can not do themselves. I was kind and I wasn’t useless, I am needed.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.

Day 159 – Hurting my Back Muscle and Uselessness.

Yesterday I hurt my back – my right muscle that runs along my spine went in a Spasm, this is when the muscle contracts and causes extreme pain due to Spinal injuries, search it up.

I have had this pain for almost a year, if not longer.

I refused to check it out with a doctor, because the pain would come for a day and it would be fine the next day, every time I had the pain I would not tell anyone. as the day goes by I massage it here and there by myself. I was able to “get away” with it because it wasn’t that bad yet.

I thought it was my kidneys due to the location I was feeling the pain at. So I did not even consider it could be a muscle that got ripped and isn’t healing because I just kept on working.

So why did I not STOP and take a real look at what is going on and just assumed and continued compromising myself and in the end my entire body and life. When I look at the point and every time I had the pain and what I used to justify why it isn’t that bad or why I do not need a doctor I see the following.


First of all I did not want to take a look at the pain or mention it to anyone because I Feared that if there is something wrong with my back then that will mean I cannot do work, I cannot get stuff done on the farm and thus everyone that relies on me to do Things for them will have to suddenly now wait for me, and with things like horse and other duties - other people will have to work extra on my behalf, so I feared that I will become a burden, or a problem for others as I cannot fulfill their needs/requests.
So now in the current situation this is exactly what manifested – that which I fear, if I went earlier I might not have had to face the point as I do now.

I hurt my back two days ago when I had to refill the chicken seed in one of the chicken camps – I was asked the day before by a girl as she cannot do it, thus she relied on me to do it so she can continue with her daily duty, If I could not do it no one else could (I assumed), the day before I had the extreme pain in my back already, but as always I ignored it and believed it will go away as usual. This did not happen, as I picked up the 50kg bag everything was fine, I was carrying the bag for about 30 meters already and then, when I got to the second gate I wanted to change the position the bag was on my shoulders to open the gate easier, as I twisted the bag, something terrible happened in my back, it was extremely painful. I breathed and said (backchat) “it will go away, just get the bag to the chickens and then it is over” - once I was done with the chicken feed I walked around with extreme pain in my back, I could not bend my back, I struggled breathing and my back was pulling to the one side and I could not stop it. I did not tell anyone again – as I feared that as soon as I tell anyone I have to stop working and rest, now if I stop working and rest a lot of things on the farm that involves a lot of people also stops, this is an inconvenience for them.

I hate being a inconvenience to people as I fear they will hate me for it and judge me for it and actually start fighting me for it, and I see this is what I do in secret towards others when they are sick or got hurt and eel that they are not placing more work/pressure on me and so I fear becoming what I judge.
So the last two days I haven’t been working or doing my other duties as I went to a Chiropractor and found not just a Muscle that is going into spasms – My right Hip bone has been out for a long time which cause the muscle to pull more which then placed pleasure on my entire spine which cause two bones in my spine to slide out of place which in the end cause my muscle to tear and thus I ended up where I am now with the extreme spasms, It could have been worse if I waited longer the chiropractisioner said, I could have fractured a bone in my spine If I did not come and thus I would have required surgery.

So I see here how my back chat and secret mind fucked with my entire body over space and time.

I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind just not to mention the pain or the problem or to get help, one main Belief I entertained about myself was that I might be indestructible LOL – sounds funny but it is true, I believed that I could not get hurt or that if I do get pain I can simply quickly heal and it is over, and that I can do with my body just what I want and nothing will happen, and this belief is/was created to justify why I do not need help or why I do not need to tell anyone or get a doctor to look at it.

Till that one day – BAM the manifested consequences fucks me over as the result of participating in the mind as thoughts, back chat and all the other shit in there instead of stopping it and following common sense and the Physical.

To be continued.