In yesterdays Blog I gave a few updates on the situation with my back and how I have created/manifested the consequences in a few examples, yet there are thousands.So Today I am going to walk a scenario of such event where this character plays out.
What is the character that i Play in front of everyone. I red my blog from yesterday again and I saw a very interesting spelling mistake.
Here it is.
“I can now see how many excuse and reasons and justifications I have made up in my kind”
Notice the word KIND that was supposed to be Mind, this I saw as very specific – because I can see this one character that plays out of me being Kind to everyone that asks me to do something for them, and because I am being kind I belief I have to do it and thus I force myself to do what ever they ask of me and that is makes me feel useful and to not lose the usefulness I make it extra – like stuff that only I can do, or I make it so – read...
So here is the scenario.
I am walking outside – I just came form the dam, I am tired and hot, my body feels like a bag of sand that can just lay down – we have been laying bags of sand on the dam wall all morning, this is about 4 hours of working with heavy bags, moving them and picking them up and so forth. I just want to get to the house and take my gumboots off, my feet are boiling in them and it feels like the skin can tear off my toes – I get irritated by this and I am hungry.
As I am walking by the house I hear someone calling me “Gian” – I know within myself they will want me to do something for them – I think “ what is it they want, I am tired, I really do not want to talk and do something for them” – it is a girl calling my name so I know it can only be one of two things I can do for them, either lifting or doing something heavy or fixing/building something for them – I say yes what is it – the girl comes up to me and say, can you help me? I reply back – depends with what and how long it will take. I am already resisting a bit because I am tired and irritated by the gumboots,
I really just want to get them off and in my mind as back chat I am say to myself – I have already been working hard all morning, don't make me work hard again, I am hungry and tired and my body is saw” kind of like already creating statements that I can use for when I am asked to something I don't want to, to use them to get out of it.
I take a deep breathe and tell myself – Ok I can do this – the girl asks me to take down the big black container in the bathroom, it is full of bedding stuff, someone new is coming to the farm so they are preparing the beds and so forth, I say okay – Back chat -> “ I have no choice, no one else is going to take that off, this needs to be done now because the people are busy with it now, and the new people are coming tomorrow” I walk to the bathroom, I know the black box is heavy and very uncomfortable to take off, I really physically have no problem taking it off, the only difficulty it the location it is in (the amount of space to work with to take it off)
So I grab a chair and I get on the chair and I grab the box where ever I can, I start pulling the box and I secretly think -> “ shit it is heavier then last time, but! because I could do it last time I have to show that I can do it this time, otherwise the girls will not be able to rely on me anymore to do this job for them and they will always see it as a burden to ask me”... this triggers a ego point within me – Backchat ->I must do this and I must do it alone. So I pull the box and I lift it up, I realize there is no where to go with the box once it is in the air, the limited space around me to work with this box is compromising my actions, I force my body to bend weird and hurt it a little bit, the girls are at the bottom asking me, are you alright? I reply every time yes!, I say okay take the box once it is low enough for you guys, as I lower the box I feel the muscles in my arms going powerless and I think –> the box might fall SHIT!!” I do not say anything and instead compromise my body once again, I hurt my back a bit putting that extra muscle into it to contain the box.
I get down and make everything seem okay – the girls ask me – will you just wait and then when we are done put it back – I say yes sure thing. I wait and they are done and I put the box back up, backchat - > “putting the box back isnt that hard.”
I walk away and feel that I have served well today – I helped someone today with something they can not do themselves. I was kind and I wasn’t useless, I am needed.
To be continued with Self forgiveness.
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