I am now going to take
on another memory, this memory is when I first discovered a magazine for men
laying around the house.
You know, those
magazines that the parents/adults buy that had women in them half naked, this isn’t
the one that has completely naked women in them, and then there are those once
in a while posters that come with.
This memory is from
when I was 11, I was walking around the house and I saw a stack of magazines
ready to be thrown out, so I got down and I took a look at what magazines there
are, as I went through I saw a different type of magazine than what I am used
to, this one had a women on it with only lingerie on and she was positioned
very sexually.
I was curious and I
opened it, as soon as I opened it and I saw some pictures I felt a sudden fear,
I might be caught our looking at this, I realized I had to have a magazine like
this alone where I can watch it without anyone judging me for watching,
obviously I experienced the fear because of what I experienced within me while
watching the females posing and being half naked, the feeling of arousal.
So I went to my room,
I ripped out the ones I liked and I took the magazine back and placed it
secretly on the pile where it was, I kept the pictures in a book in the back
pages that was hidden between my bed.
And this is where I
started creating what I like and do not like in real “Living” females all in secret in my mind as back chat and thoughts
So I first used the Barbie
picture I created at six to find what I like and never got it, but this
magazine had perfect “real” women in, so I started liking the women in the
magazine, they had the perfect faces, the perfect ass, the perfect size boobs,
they had it all and they had the bodies to move themselves in a way that makes
me feel good and I am attracted to it.
So what if Barbie was
created Fat and the magazines I found had fat girls in it, would that have been
what I like, well I can only say yes as it is a matter of programming,
brainwashing, mind control.
As long as I exist as
the mind I can be mind controlled, brainwashed.
So I will focus myself
forgiveness and how I have at the age of eleven created the actual connection
that it might be possible to get a girl I desire as in the magazines, because
they are there in the magazines and they are real women, so they must be out
there and thus I must be able to get one like them, not realizing there are 7
billion people on earth and only a couple of thousand looks like that with all
their pimples taken out, the hips made smaller, the breasts made larger all
with PC’s.
So again I set up a
life mission to get the girl I desire that does not exist in this world for
everyone, only a few, I created it in such a way that I made myself belief that
I might be one of the few, I might just get a girl like that, it is gambling,
and it is easy to see how this becomes a boys LIFE mission, how life becomes
all about sex.
Because as I boy I
created so many pictures, ideas, beliefs, feelings, emotions within myself in
my mind towards these pictures/females in magazines. Movies/toys/TV that I as a
boy just want to experience it for real only ones, to not have to have it in
the mind but for real, and so the chase of a lifetime begins, and it all
started with in those first few years on what I decided to chase after.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the pictures I have in my
mind of the type of females I created myself to be attracted to through
watching magazines and movies can become a reality for me if I just continue
chasing, searching, and even waiting all my life in the hope that it might just
happen, not realizing and considering that it was merely pictures in a magazine
or on TV that was placed there deliberately by the media to create consumers
out of the human to run after something and spend billions on in the hope of
achieving the picture while they know the pictures they presented and created a
desire for within the human is unattainable and thus create life time
consumers.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that If I dress myself up more and
if I go to the gym more and If I change my personality more and it I design
myself to look more like a picture that I will be able to attract the pictures
I created and designed within my mind to like to come to me or that I will find
them.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to create a picture out of myself in the way
I walk, talk, dress, look and live my life in the hope that I might attract
that one desired picture I created within my mind through magazines/TV/Internet
and or through paintings drawings etc.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to literally change and create my whole life
in such a ways that I can attract that one desired picture I brainwashed myself
to like and to exist as a mind controlled zombie my whole life to maintain this
picture Idea I created myself in the hope of attracting the female I desire
within my mind as a picture.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to make life decision within the hope that
this life decision will bring me the female I desire as the picture I have in
my head.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am settling for less if I
do not settle for the picture in my mind, realizing that within this belief I
have actually created my own limitation as I created the unreachable picture
desire in my mind and thus anything I settle then for will be less according to
my brainwashing and mind control.
I forgive myself that
I have not realized that all human being as made of flesh and how humans look
like has no meaning as the flesh is the same for all equally, thus I realize
that if I feel I have settled for less then I am actually creating such a
feeling for myself through giving power away to the mind as
pictures/desires/energy, instead of breathing and realizing that any
relationship with no matter who is what I make of it in and as the physical and
that any relationship within the mind as fantasies/desires/hopes is only a
compromise and self sabotaging and destroying the physical for self interest.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having a relationship with a
picture is fulfilling, not realizing that I will still be with myself no matter
in what relationship I am in and thus it isn’t about the other being and
fulfilling each other but to walk as equals yet alone this life as two whole
beings that support and assist each other to not accept and allow anything less
than life.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to see beauty outside of myself within
others as I have judged myself as ugly.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self perfection and
as if it is unachievable as I have created the connection of the word
perfection to physical appearance instead of who I am as life as perfection
which clearly indicates that perfection is self in oneness and equality with
life and thus seeking perfect in others appearance to make up for my own self
judgment and not to have to face self as the dishonesty of living in a picture
word instead of the physical one and equal.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to seek perfection in others and their
physical appearances as I have judged myself as ugly and not perfect.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the perfect female for myself so
that I can feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that only a perfect
female can make me happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a perfect women means happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness with the picture of the mind as being a perfect female, realizing it is all part of self brainwashing through ideas/beliefs/memory
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to create the limitation for myself to exist
as/ within the belief that only a perfect female can make me happy.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can only be satisfied with
a perfect female with the perfect body as I have created it in my mind
according to my own belief that I took from TV/magazines etc and brainwashed myself
to belief it.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that happiness is having a perfect
female partner and how her body looks, realizing that I will never be happy and
that happiness as a life priority over life itself is psychopathic behavior.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to belief
that I can only experience create sex if my partner looks like the desired
image I have within my mind, realizing that sex is a physical act of intimacy
between two being and that is has nothing to do with pictures of the mind.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to create sexual desires of sex within my
mind where I can have the perfect sex with the perfect girl and when it comes
to reality it all seems so boring and unsatisfied, realizing that I have
created this limitation for myself through participating in the mind as pictures and energy which is always more than it is within reality.
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to pictures within my mind of the
perfect female that I have created through images and memory as past
experiences and to place the picture memory/experience onto the present within
the physical and to make the physical seem less, realizing that if I stop this behavior
and focus on the physical within touch and to breathe and be here in the
present and to stop comparing the physical with the mind I can actually have a different
experie4nce than my own limitation of the mind as the belief that I have
created “I can only have great sex with the perfect female”
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to live within my own mind created
limitations within a few mind set beliefs I have created for myself and to
close all other possible ways of living life here in and as the physical as I
have created the mind more than the physical and thus the mind will always seem
better yet unachievable, creating a life of depression and regret.
I forgive myself that
I have not realized that if I stop the participation within the mind as
pictures and energies that are always presented as more than the physical that
I will end depression and regret within my sex life as I will be able to focus
on what is here and to not be limited within and as myself own self expression
in each breathe and that I will be able to enjoy another being in touch and
breathe as the mind will not interFEAR and create limitation and misguidance of
false images in the mind.
I commit myself to
breathe when I am with another being physically and to stop all mind pictures
and memories of the past to interfere with the present and to focus on touch
and the physical, and to when I see something arising to apply self forgiveness
for myself to release myself from all mind created limitations so that I can
freely express myself with my partner.
I commit myself to show
and expose that all desires for more and better sex is implanted within the
human from a young age to create consumers that will buy and buy all the things
they can to achieve the implanted ideas/pictures and that the current money
system is aware of it and knows well it is taking advantage of this point to
create people that will never be satisfied and always want more and spend more
so the rich can make more money and thus I commit myself to bring an end to capitalism and bring about a equal money system that is best for all life.
I commit myself to
show that any and all desire within the human is in fact part of brainwashing
and mind control and not real as it happened at early ages already as part of
the brainwashing and thus it is not human nature or behavior but simply programming/brainwashing
and as it already starts at a young age people cannot see how it happened
unless they really look into it with self honesty and then the truth will be reveal
that self created the human nature and desires and is in fact not real but only
part of the human enslavement.
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