Day 58 – Life is all about sex – A magazine
I am now going to take on another memory, this memory is when I first discovered a magazine for men laying around the house.
You know, those magazines that the parents/adults buy that had women in them half naked, this isn’t the one that has completely naked women in them, and then there are those once in a while posters that come with.
This memory is from when I was 11, I was walking around the house and I saw a stack of magazines ready to be thrown out, so I got down and I took a look at what magazines there are, as I went through I saw a different type of magazine than what I am used to, this one had a women on it with only lingerie on and she was positioned very sexually.
I was curious and I opened it, as soon as I opened it and I saw some pictures I felt a sudden fear, I might be caught our looking at this, I realized I had to have a magazine like this alone where I can watch it without anyone judging me for watching, obviously I experienced the fear because of what I experienced within me while watching the females posing and being half naked, the feeling of arousal.
So I went to my room, I ripped out the ones I liked and I took the magazine back and placed it secretly on the pile where it was, I kept the pictures in a book in the back pages that was hidden between my bed.
And this is where I started creating what I like and do not like in real “Living” females all in secret in my mind as back chat and thoughts
So I first used the Barbie picture I created at six to find what I like and never got it, but this magazine had perfect “real” women in, so I started liking the women in the magazine, they had the perfect faces, the perfect ass, the perfect size boobs, they had it all and they had the bodies to move themselves in a way that makes me feel good and I am attracted to it.
So what if Barbie was created Fat and the magazines I found had fat girls in it, would that have been what I like, well I can only say yes as it is a matter of programming, brainwashing, mind control.
As long as I exist as the mind I can be mind controlled, brainwashed.
So I will focus myself forgiveness and how I have at the age of eleven created the actual connection that it might be possible to get a girl I desire as in the magazines, because they are there in the magazines and they are real women, so they must be out there and thus I must be able to get one like them, not realizing there are 7 billion people on earth and only a couple of thousand looks like that with all their pimples taken out, the hips made smaller, the breasts made larger all with PC’s.
So again I set up a life mission to get the girl I desire that does not exist in this world for everyone, only a few, I created it in such a way that I made myself belief that I might be one of the few, I might just get a girl like that, it is gambling, and it is easy to see how this becomes a boys LIFE mission, how life becomes all about sex.
Because as I boy I created so many pictures, ideas, beliefs, feelings, emotions within myself in my mind towards these pictures/females in magazines. Movies/toys/TV that I as a boy just want to experience it for real only ones, to not have to have it in the mind but for real, and so the chase of a lifetime begins, and it all started with in those first few years on what I decided to chase after.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the pictures I have in my mind of the type of females I created myself to be attracted to through watching magazines and movies can become a reality for me if I just continue chasing, searching, and even waiting all my life in the hope that it might just happen, not realizing and considering that it was merely pictures in a magazine or on TV that was placed there deliberately by the media to create consumers out of the human to run after something and spend billions on in the hope of achieving the picture while they know the pictures they presented and created a desire for within the human is unattainable and thus create life time consumers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that If I dress myself up more and if I go to the gym more and If I change my personality more and it I design myself to look more like a picture that I will be able to attract the pictures I created and designed within my mind to like to come to me or that I will find them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a picture out of myself in the way I walk, talk, dress, look and live my life in the hope that I might attract that one desired picture I created within my mind through magazines/TV/Internet and or through paintings drawings etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally change and create my whole life in such a ways that I can attract that one desired picture I brainwashed myself to like and to exist as a mind controlled zombie my whole life to maintain this picture Idea I created myself in the hope of attracting the female I desire within my mind as a picture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life decision within the hope that this life decision will bring me the female I desire as the picture I have in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am settling for less if I do not settle for the picture in my mind, realizing that within this belief I have actually created my own limitation as I created the unreachable picture desire in my mind and thus anything I settle then for will be less according to my brainwashing and mind control.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that all human being as made of flesh and how humans look like has no meaning as the flesh is the same for all equally, thus I realize that if I feel I have settled for less then I am actually creating such a feeling for myself through giving power away to the mind as pictures/desires/energy, instead of breathing and realizing that any relationship with no matter who is what I make of it in and as the physical and that any relationship within the mind as fantasies/desires/hopes is only a compromise and self sabotaging and destroying the physical for self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having a relationship with a picture is fulfilling, not realizing that I will still be with myself no matter in what relationship I am in and thus it isn’t about the other being and fulfilling each other but to walk as equals yet alone this life as two whole beings that support and assist each other to not accept and allow anything less than life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see beauty outside of myself within others as I have judged myself as ugly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self perfection and as if it is unachievable as I have created the connection of the word perfection to physical appearance instead of who I am as life as perfection which clearly indicates that perfection is self in oneness and equality with life and thus seeking perfect in others appearance to make up for my own self judgment and not to have to face self as the dishonesty of living in a picture word instead of the physical one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek perfection in others and their physical appearances as I have judged myself as ugly and not perfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the perfect female for myself so that I can feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that only a perfect female can make me happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a perfect women means happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness with the picture of the mind as being a perfect female, realizing it is all part of self brainwashing through ideas/beliefs/memory
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the limitation for myself to exist as/ within the belief that only a perfect female can make me happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can only be satisfied with a perfect female with the perfect body as I have created it in my mind according to my own belief that I took from TV/magazines etc and brainwashed myself to belief it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that happiness is having a perfect female partner and how her body looks, realizing that I will never be happy and that happiness as a life priority over life itself is psychopathic behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can only experience create sex if my partner looks like the desired image I have within my mind, realizing that sex is a physical act of intimacy between two being and that is has nothing to do with pictures of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create sexual desires of sex within my mind where I can have the perfect sex with the perfect girl and when it comes to reality it all seems so boring and unsatisfied, realizing that I have created this limitation for myself through participating in the mind as pictures and energy which is always more than it is within reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to pictures within my mind of the perfect female that I have created through images and memory as past experiences and to place the picture memory/experience onto the present within the physical and to make the physical seem less, realizing that if I stop this behavior and focus on the physical within touch and to breathe and be here in the present and to stop comparing the physical with the mind I can actually have a different experie4nce than my own limitation of the mind as the belief that I have created “I can only have great sex with the perfect female”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within my own mind created limitations within a few mind set beliefs I have created for myself and to close all other possible ways of living life here in and as the physical as I have created the mind more than the physical and thus the mind will always seem better yet unachievable, creating a life of depression and regret.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I stop the participation within the mind as pictures and energies that are always presented as more than the physical that I will end depression and regret within my sex life as I will be able to focus on what is here and to not be limited within and as myself own self expression in each breathe and that I will be able to enjoy another being in touch and breathe as the mind will not interFEAR and create limitation and misguidance of false images in the mind.
I commit myself to breathe when I am with another being physically and to stop all mind pictures and memories of the past to interfere with the present and to focus on touch and the physical, and to when I see something arising to apply self forgiveness for myself to release myself from all mind created limitations so that I can freely express myself with my partner.
I commit myself to show and expose that all desires for more and better sex is implanted within the human from a young age to create consumers that will buy and buy all the things they can to achieve the implanted ideas/pictures and that the current money system is aware of it and knows well it is taking advantage of this point to create people that will never be satisfied and always want more and spend more so the rich can make more money and thus I commit myself to bring an end to capitalism and bring about a equal money system that is best for all life.
I commit myself to show that any and all desire within the human is in fact part of brainwashing and mind control and not real as it happened at early ages already as part of the brainwashing and thus it is not human nature or behavior but simply programming/brainwashing and as it already starts at a young age people cannot see how it happened unless they really look into it with self honesty and then the truth will be reveal that self created the human nature and desires and is in fact not real but only part of the human enslavement.
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