Showing posts with label eqafe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eqafe. Show all posts

Day 684 - What Do You WANT? For Real.

 


I have found, I am unable to change anything about myself that I see isn't benefiting me as the best potential I can be that in turn should be also the best benefit for all life, if I first do not WANT to, even if we can see why we need to change, that will mean nothing if we do not WANT to. I have found myself that whenever I am stuck in a point, or looping in a point, asking myself, why can I not change this, why is this so hard, what is it I am not understanding? I am actually only entertaining myself with questions and seeking more experiences to "understand" (when I have already had enough experiences and moments, so they are not pointless, but enough already) I am missing the one point even if I believe I do not get it yet, that I must want to change, and so this want is WILL power, and we then change regardless of knowing or understanding everything because to change you are walking into the NEW, you can not understand that yet, you have to walk it, and this is liberating, it is a moment by moment walking within principle, within what is best for all and thus yourself. it is a day by day living, walking, and breathing the WANT and WILL to change, with this the past, the habits, the time loops, the same things that have kept you in a place of not developing, can not grasp you any more, it can not latch onto you any more, because the want for change is stronger, so your actions, moments are all wanted, not an I have to attitude, or I must, it is YOUR desire as a want to change.

So ask yourself daily, if what you are living is what is best for yourself and thus best for all - is it a WANT yet. if not, find more understanding, educate yourself more. SEE why you do not yet want to live what is best for yourself and thus all, see where your actual wants are still distracting you and see what that actual wants has created thus far for you that does not benefit you, and get tired of it, be tired of yourself wanting destructive things, and see the benefits of wanting what is best for you as your best potential to bring about a version of you that will create the best version within this world for all.

Extra:

Ask yourself this to check, as basics.
Why do I want to be lazy?
Why do I want to Drink??
why do I want to smoke weed?
why do I want to postpone?
why do I want to neglect?
why do I want to not care for myself?
why do I not want to push through resistances?
why do I want to stay the same every day?
why do I want to not sort out my relationships?
why do I not want to be the best version I know I can be?
why do I want to not look inward and deal with myself?

these are questions to start with, once you realize everything you accept and allow daily is a want, you remove manipulation and victimization and thus blame, and you take full self-responsibility, that is where you are actually in power, no matter what. and then start changing your wants, will it, to be best for you and all life.

Misunderstood Living - Self Forgiveness




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with myself in such a way that I misunderstand myself, without taking a moment to breathe and be clear within myself and the communication I have with myself to be clear and direct as an expression of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I communicate with myself to fall for the emotions/feelings and thoughts that come up within me and to follow them, instead of sticking to what is truly within me as my self-expression and clarifying that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out by following the thoughts/feelings and emotions that come up within me, to take them and communicate them, instead of taking a moment to stop the thoughts/feelings and emotions and to see what they are trying to hide form me, my true expression and to find words to place with my expression and live that, seeing and realizing that the mind as me fear expressing myself truly as it is unknown, different and much deeper on a substance level. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be ready in any given moment to respond and communicate as a way of defending myself, my ego, to show that I do know, I know myself, I can speak instantly and at will, I do not need to look at anything before speaking, and so implying in the moment that I am already right, not taking the time to see all the dimensions, to see who I am within all the dimensions that are here and to place me within consideration of all dimensions that is here as my expression and see what I will say and do as the path forward that is best for all as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience fear/anxiety/nervousness to go into instant speaking as a way of hiding the fear/anxiety/nervousness, instead of slowing down, taking a breath, forgive myself and look inside to myself (not the thoughts/feelings/emotions) as my expression and who I am and thus what I want to express truly as me as all dimensions considered in the moment, to bring out my true utmost potential as life as expression one and equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing in a conversation, to fear taking too much time, to fear missing the window for me to speak, and so go into speaking without checking, without placing the words correctly first as who I am, so that my words reflect me one and equal inside and out, and so to stop cycles of regret. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how I have throughout my life only ever spoken from thoughts/feelings and emotions and never truly considered where they come from, why they show up and how they work, yet I spoke them and acted on them, and so in return created a reality for myself of always feeling and being misunderstood. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for misunderstanding me, for not hearing me, for not seeing me, never considering that I have a world of my own within me, based on how I was raised and brought up within the education system, and this world within me is limited to the vocabulary I was taught/given and so the same for every other being on this planet, and thus when I communicate from my thoughts/feelings and emotions I am in a position assuming that everyone else have those thoughts/feelings and emotions the same within them as me, and thus that they must simply understand me and I do not have to be specific or take the time to specify myself, and so create more conflict and distance and feeling like I am all alone within my world when I communicate with others. Seeing and realizing that it is my responsibility to be clear on my inner world, to know myself truly and to place the words with me as my expression to express myself one and equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to lazy to specify myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that laziness is self-judgement, and so exposing myself within the point of change, that I simply judge myself as not being able to change, or that it isn’t possible, so I go into laziness to sit in self-judgement and do nothing about what I clearly know needs to change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression within me must simply come from me naturally and that everyone and everything must simply get me, accept me as I am, knowing that what I am expression without specifying it, clarifying it for myself in thought word and deed, that I am not even accepting myself and getting to know myself for real, or creating myself for real for when I find something is needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to change before I can change, seeing and realizing that I will wait forever, and thus such though is but a point of postponement and justification for not taking the time to change myself for myself first and foremost. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I feel misunderstood, and when I am misunderstood and I become emotional about it, that I am revealing only to myself that I do not actually yet understand me, and so I can not go into blaming others for not understanding me, as I myself need to first understand myself to be able to fully express myself in clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that emotional responses/communication is an indication of lacking self-clarification within myself, and not about what I am reacting to about others/things within this world. Thus I see and realize that when I have a reaction, emotional or feeling where an energy takes over my thoughts and thinking and I want to respond with that to another or about things, That the emotion/feeling is a contamination that took the place of self-clarification, and so I must remove the contamination through clarifying myself with words, as to align my thought and words with my deeds as a living expression of me, and not a reactive responsive expression with no actual standing/foundation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everyone and everything else a problem, how people react to me, what they say to me as them being at fault to the things I say from thoughts/feelings/emotions, not seeing and realizing that the responses are in fact proper responses, as a thought/feeling/emotion will only bring more of the same, and thus no clarity, simply energy bouncing around creating friction in a fiction of minds communicating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character/personality of myself that I define myself as, as who I am, from the thoughts/feeling and emotions I have, as a way to justify why I am not specified, why I do not actually know myself, why I have not taken the time to take what is within me and clarify me within all that is within me and outside of me as to know myself as an actual being and not just a personality disorder of thoughts/feelings and emotions that react to life and living, but rather be the directive principle and living example of what it means to be ones utmost potential and so create a world that is best for all as self where all personality disorders end and each being lives in clarity of who they are and where nothing can manipulate, deceive and justify anything, especially ourselves, thus creating a world that is best for all as who I am, who we are, being the living word. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what ever my GOOD intentions may be, if I am not clear within me, self-specified within my words/worlds that my intentions will never manifest one and equal, as my living and words will always come out much different then the intentions I have/had as I myself do not even know how and what to live to manifest my own intentions, as I exist as randomness within me, randomness will manifest outside of me, and no intention can find its way within such an environment to manifest as the intention, and so I see and realize that as long as I do not specify myself, place words to my expression and living in details, clarifying myself in each breath and moment, that I am always within the intention to deceive/manipulate and justify myself and nothing else. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I must change myself, specify my self-expression within what is best for all, all ways, as this is the only way to actually specify, as all life, and not within self-interest, as that is only self-fish from the point of not expanding self to all life as who I am, and so the only specification that can exist is that which is always within what is best for all life and so me as my best version of myself in living and communication with myself and others where my words are always within consideration of all dimensions that exist here. 

More to come….

Self Crucification, Watch Out


This blog has some cool points in general for someone not familiar with Desteni, I write this blog mostly for the community I am within and those to come to our community of Destonians. So if you are not familiar, please take a look at desteni.org - as this blog is process specific and for those that have done their research and work for years within Desteni to come to the point of self-honest investigation and self into me I see.

Jesus was amazing in being and living the word as who he is in expression when he was here on earth. He demonstrated not only in his words and living the way forward for life/humanity but he also showed us that anyone can do it, stand as life, as we are all the same, from the same substance, equal and one, and so absolutely responsible for ourselves and what is here on earth.

Jesus as amazing as he was, and still he did not get it fully (so yes, you can stand as expression of life and still fuckup and even more enhances the problem), to the full extent of what is here as this existence, the mind/consciousness and most of all self-honesty, and neither do I yet, but it is clear for all to see that Jesus showed us who we are as life, and he at the same time showed us how FUCKED we are, we can literally have a GOD walk among us as an example of WHO WE ARE and we will Crucify that god for doing so. This is the one point where Jesus fell, being crucified instead of pushing through all the way as much as possible, it was his (personal) downfall, yet for us all, it was a gift still to show us the extent of the problem that is here if we dare see.

How easy is it to fall for the idea in our heads of rather sacrificing ourselves for others and hoping they would make it, they would get it, and give up on ourselves personally to transcend and rebirth as life one and equal as life here? it is very easy, because it is nice to think that if I sacrifice myself and give up on myself but not others, then they will make it, YET what I do know is, people follow by example, so in the end we have everyone sacrificing themselves for others and no one making it, because no one is pushing all the way through, breathing, self-forgiveness, living and walking brutal self honesty within a specific principle of what is best for all life, standing up and changing self and so effect the world in ways unthinkable to the mind. I mean, Jesus' time was two thousand years ago, and in that time no one has stood up as he hoped fro crucifying himself.

Have you crossed that path in your life? as the gross of Jesus symbolizes, the cross roads, where you either crucify yourself, give yourself up, give up on yourself due to reasons such as age, time, commitments, "responsibilities", stress, fears, insecurities, ideas and believes or plain out just not caring anymore and just want to be happy in an illusion till death pops that bubble?, OR where you climb off the cross as the BURDENS you belief you carry, lay them down and say, NO, I do not accept and allow the MIND as the cross to burden me, I stay with my feet on the ground and walk the path until it is done? This is a point everyone needs to and will face in their life, unexpectedly, subtly, or quit openly/direct, and a decision will have to be made, and once a person faces this point and decides to walk instead of crucifying themselves, it becomes a path that can only be walked in-breath, or the cross is simply lifted and carried again till an appropriate spot is found for it to crucify self on it, give up on self.

In our heads it can sound so nice when we tell ourselves that "I will sacrifice/crucify myself" for the sake of my family, children, or for others to have a chance this life, and we really sell it to ourselves to justify our actual FEAR of really facing the self-honesty of what exists here and how fucked we truly are within and without of what is HERE accepted and allowed as LIFE. It is truly a difficult path, and if Jesus could not make it, then how can I? take a look at how hard christianity sells the idea that Jesus is still alive, somewhere on a cloud, and they do this because they must have HOPE. but inside everyone really knows he is dead and did not make it, because he isn't here now in his flesh as they say. We all can see that. and thus we all know deep inside, fuck, if Jesus could not make it, how can I? and what does the path then truly entail.

Luckily Desteni is here to give clarity on this path for all, and the message, the educational material, and most of all the tools to walk this path, and Bernard who walked as an example to show. But, what can we learn from ourselves, even when a support structure such as Desteni is HERE, giving the process and the way on a plate for all to see, to walk and to live, it still seems no one is making it. have you made it? I have not yet made it..

Especially, when we look at ourselves, and we have had these tools and all the information that is needed 100% for free online, open for all, all given clearly in what is needed, the principles, the message, the understanding, and the tools, we find ourselves falling and failing and crawling and struggling and giving up on a yearly, monthly, weekly basis for the smallest challenges, obstacles, reasons and 99% they are mind related, not real. This creates the desire for a cross for oneself, even more, to rather pick that cross up and carry it, find a spot for it and place ourselves on it, and then hope that this suicidal crucification will somehow symbolize to our children, friends, peers HOPE!! that they can do it, but rather it is in return symbolizing we are fucked, gave up, and not what you think or want it to be. I mean a cross is a torturing device that kills someone slowly with crows picking out your eyes.

A self crucification can come in many forms, it mostly will symbolize in either two polarities, one of negativity or one of positivity in how we present our self crucification to others, to still create the Illusion of it being good, or meaningfull, just like what religion is doing to Jesus crucification and how it becomes a massive selling point, we sell our crucification to others, as if giving hope to others to keep moving on, keep pushing on, is all that is needed, but we ourselves are unwilling, we would rather parade around looking happy, or saticfied with ourselves in a world of dispair, or try and demonise everything and everyone instead of really being an example of walking the walk, facing our shit, being real about the shit that is here, walk a very specific process of educatio, and using tools of writing, self-forgiveness, corrective statements, sharing that openly where it is supportive and best for all, being very specific with a principle we live by and stand by, and so become a living example of change is HERE, not in a hope, not in our children, not in others, in ourselves, and so self crucification is a made up fantasy of change, a self-rightcious approach to change.

I have found and identified the point for me that indicated I am carrying my cross and readying myself for self-crucification within this process, and so I use these markers to check myself, as picking up the cross/mind is subtle, it is self-deceptive, it is cunning, it is planned in a manner that seems like it isn't a crucification.

These points are as follows, and they are real and physical.

- I stop writing, personal writing, or blogs..
- I do not speak my written self-forgiveness to myself.
- I stop listening to Desteni interviews, recording and forget about them
- I stop reading and educating myself, and clarifying for myself information that is available on the Desteni Website and only consume bullshit elsewhere leading to only knowledge and information that satisfy a conspiracy, a feeling, an energy that restarts by the engine of the mind and nothing else, feeding personalities and characters.
- I stop participating in group events, chats, forums, making videos/vlogs, sharing my process in the channels available such as FB, not being visible for cross-referencing. as the cross is then already planted for me to hang on, not in sight for others to see my action of self0crucification coming.
- I more and more lean to do things of entertainment rather than my process.
- Process is last on my list to give attention, instead of it being my living and sharing and fist priority as who I am as life.
- making money and relationships a focus point as an excuse to why I am not yet getting to my process.
- Concerned about what others think more and more and so retract myself from expressing myself.
- Making my process a burden instead of a living expression of who I am, as the burden indicates there is already a cross on my back, the mind.

Ok, those are some indicators I use and check out for, priorities, focus on one's process naturally becomes first once the realization of reality and what is here as who we are really sinking in, within the consideration of eternity and all life within it.












Dark Mind - I do more than you, So fuck off.. Part 1



Clarification before reading.. This is a point I am actively still walking. I knew once I hit a spot in the blog, I had to keep going. So it is a long one and exposes some dark mind points, and consider this isn't ALL the time, it is in moments..yet in the background sub-consciously it is lurking always.
Support - Future of consciousness - The dark mind - https://eqafe.com/p/the-dark-mind-the-future-of-consciousness-part-80

I have this point within me, It gets me every single time in any negative moment where there is a very specific type of interaction with a person, especially with the people I share an environment with. I have struggled to clearly identify the cause of this problem, but I know I know the problem, it simply requires me to write it out.

I know for a fact that I judge people, I judge people through the disguise of "analyzing" them and placing them a certain way in my mind, a way to feel secure and safe, as if I know that person based on the data I have accumulated from them simply through observation, and what I observe I filter through MY mind and how I see things, not how they truly are.

So what is my filter through which I analyze people? and place people in my world, I want to feel that I am in control of my world and so the people, I want to feel that I know the people in my world, Even when that knowing is completely fabricated in my mind based on my observations that are deemed as viable through my filers of judgements and perspective of reality (which is my brainwashing) This also means that I want to be seen as a certain person in my world, which is to always be LIKED, to have a NICE relationship with people, a good one that does not cause any conflict.

BUT, I know that in my judgments as "analyzing" others I tent to only do the negative aspects of analyzing a person, as this is how I know what NOT to do or say and so avoid those points completely. I want the good and nice things, so no point in analyzing that as that can come anytime and I welcome it, so really all I have to do is control myself and act in a way where I always avoid the negatives and thus all that will remain is the positives right??? No, completely wrong.

Sure living this way creates a lot of neutral interactions and calm looking living environments, but underneath it inside I carry this massive database of NEGATIVE judgements of all the people around me, which in essence is me actually saying I am surrounded by enemies to myself, everyone is out to get me, to hurt me, to take me down, and all it will take is one wrong move to trigger anyone and everyone.

So what happens when I do make a wrong move, or when something does come up, like a confrontation from another person? well, a ton of bricks come down on me and everyone else, that is what happens.ALL the back chat, all the mannerisms and behaviors and actions I have ever judged and observed from another person as negative and held within me as their wrong doing comes up.

Here is the trick, while I am in the position of having a confrontation or something being pointed out to me as being wrong, and then all the points of the other person of people comes up within me as a way of now defending myself and attacking them to deflect the points brought to me, I go into an absolute reaction, my heart PUMPS with adrenaline, as i have so much ammunition to throw at them, I have no idea where to start, what to say or how to say it, and so within this I lose all perspective, even on my own points and what is being shown to me.

My heart pumps so heavy I can see my shirt bouncing on my chest and my eyes even start vibrating, I have no control and the only thing I can do is breathe, as every word I want to say simply makes it worse, like i might have a heart attack. Because I put so much value into defending myself, into not being wrong as the identity I have given myself that even the slightest thing that can point to me as being wrong, breaks that entire identity, and thus my world and control.

I still find it hard to really put it into words, as I must still fully understand this point within me. Thus moving on to self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear someone/people talking about me, or wanting to talk to me in a confronting manner, to go into an immediate state of self-defense, where I in that moment make all my thoughts and thinking about all the wrong's the other person/people have done to prepare myself for a defensive attack on them as to not have to deal with what could possibly be said to me or brought up for/about me to look at, deal with, to be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of WAR when and as I feel like someone might confront me, or if they are confronting me in the fear of being wrong, of being shown how wrong I am, or useless I am, or incompetent I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give myself the value of nothing/zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am wrong, I am always wrong, and always in the wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a wrong being, that me being here is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a wrong person, someone that will always be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the fear of being wrong, in the wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that MY perspective on any feedback or issues about me is wrong, how I do things, see things, and so react within the fear of no one will understand me and pre-amtivetly already lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen and judged as being incompetent, or being blind sided by something I did not consider and thus judged for as being incompetent.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself as being incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being incompetent.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate state of assumption that if someone wants to talk to me about something that they are confronting me to show me how bad I am, or what I did wrong, or to get me to feel bad, to look bad, to bring me down, and so pre-maturely already go into full on attack mode and raise my heart and temperature up so high I cant even speak or do anything properly even after hearing it is something else than what I assumed and attack anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are out to make me feel bad, and so always feel like I must not allow them the opportunity and in return make the other person feel bad first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others feel bad and shitty before they can even put their points forth and have a normal conversation about a point that might be about an issues regarding me or where  I am involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do onto others FIRST what I do not want to be done onto me in the fear of them doing it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling bad, looking bad or being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge feeling bad, or being wrong as being bad and wrong and so go in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brought down, to be taken down, to lose in a conversation or argument where I am the loser and so must change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be shown and for it to be revealed to me that I must change, especially when I know it and have been hiding from the fact.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place an illusion of myself in my mind where in my mind I am "doing everything I can, and everyone else isn't" and so always within my mind I am standing in a state of comparison to see if everyone is doing as much as I am, and always in my mind I am doing the most, and so when I am being confronted with not doing enough here or there, not doing my best, I take it super personal as I feel inferior people doing not as much as I am is pointing things out to me while they should be the ones doing more and stop looking at what I am doing. <--- this one hit a nail on the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and see others as inferior to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a consistent EGO trip in my mind where I am apparently more and everyone else is less, and so must learn from me, and if I am ever given a lesson by someone else I react and immediately seek to destroy that person by pointing out their wrongs, bad things, and bring them down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DESIRE to destroy others emotionally by pointing out their lack, weaknesses, and make them feel bad and wrong just so that I can feel better about myself (here it is a desire, I do not act on it, stop it/suppress it, to clarify) as back chat in sudden moments will come up where I see opportunity in my direct reality to make a point, where the point I usually want to make is to hurt the other person, as a way of getting back at them from previous times, with pictures and emotions of anger and reactions running within me, I stop this and usually suppress it, breathe and move on, yet it accumulates into me not connecting or actually getting to know others (distance). 


I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how much I am still living as the ego within my mind as my thoughts, back chat and the emotions and feelings that go with it, where I am always within myself standing above others, feeling I am more, better and have a certain RIGHT, and so always walking around in a state of being a tyrant, a sensitive land mind ready to explode if anyone dares step on me, yet believe that I am good, I am a person that is good and humble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the VISION and Projection of me to be a false LIE within my head where I place myself in a state of being burdened with all the work I do, all the EXTRA apparent work I do, and that I am doing soooo much more than everyone else, that this lie has become a state of privilege within me to only boost my EGO and so create a soup scenario where I apparently have advantage over others by just throwing my burdened life onto them when ever they want to talk to me about something to get our of jail free card.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how nasty it is to have the thoughts in my mind of comparison towards others of where I am always in a consistent state of seeing others through my mind in my imaginary world not doing enough, not doing as much I am (as a believe of myself) and within doing so make them less than me in my mind, and so when I am confronted by others about the things I do or do not do, I react very badly as I feel weaklings have the balls to tell me where I am not doing good enough, or enough or my best while I hole the illusion within my mind that they still struggle with primitive points or barely find it in themselves to push themselves, when I do it all the time according to my own self-belief, and now still being confronted??

Thus I see and realize that I react in this manner because I believe that no matter how much I do I will never be enough, or be appreciated, when others confront me, and so I go into even deeper and darker back chat of spite, where I ask myself, why am I even doing this, I do not have to do what I am doing, I can just fuck off and I will be fine, but will they? as a way of kind of now going into a mindset of wanting to punish and show others that I am fine, it is themselves they must look at.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things, anything from the starting point of wanting something back, in return, where I feel I do this and I get that back, and so all I do is always like planting landmines all over, as they are with condition and not unconditional, and if the wrong buttons are pushed within me I will explode and the nature of myself and the things I do, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do things for the reason of self interest in the mannerism of gaining some form of control over others by making myself important in what I do and thus relevant from a starting point of fear and keeping others hostage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to even writing the statements above, as I see just writing that statement has brought up an enraging anger within me towards myself from moments in the past, where I felt like destroying others for their perceived weaknesses, while they are in the process according to my assumption of exposing my weakness, and thus wanting to attempt to emotionally manipulate and break down others before they can even try to break me down, because I am so fragile as the ego. (note, lower back pain emerged here from anger within me, and slight irritation).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind fuck and separation to exist within me of thinking and holding onto the perception of others being weaker than me and so inferior, and so within this kind of always see everyone else as useless and not worthy of being around with, of not deserving of my time and space, as I am already far more advanced and they will and are only holding me back. Not seeing and realizing that this is in fact a weakness of me and has nothing to do with others as I use this outlook onto others to justify my position and location and why I am where and how I am, and thus not seeing and realizing that I am creating a disaster for myself where everyone else will see no use for me as I am standing and living outside of the group up in a cloud not contributing, but waiting to contribute somewhere in the future with someone else that I see and feel are equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it to be hard to change this point within me, where I see myself naturally as better, not weak, more than others, as I have lived with this for so long, for so many many years, I do not know how else to see myself, see the world, be humble, caring, gentle and compassionate and to own my shit real time and to not make it personal but rather an event that support and assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this world as CRUEL and EVIL and so within that judgement became cruel and evil as the ego in the idea and perception that this is how I will survive and make it, to become the thing I feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the things I always feared and disliked and did not enjoy within this world, the cruelty, the coldness, the disconnect, competition, comparison and all the deception, instead of seeing it, realizing is is here but I can and must stand as an example. 


I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how deep the ego as the rabbit hole still goes and how far I must go within me to truly see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as nasty thoughts, evil intentions and back chat that flashes like a horror movie in my mind and speaks in tongues to me in the most unusual moments and events, memories and projections coming as if I am in an action thriller movie while speaking normally to someone, or see their actions and behaviors that has become my triggers for evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what is here as me and to within that reaction place a judgement as good or bad, and in this particular moment as bad, and so judge myself as bad, not seeing and realizing that this is all programs and energy being exposed and not who I am as life, and by forgiving myself and to see what I have accepted and allowed so I can and will change.

To be continued.

My HIGHER purpose is ME re-birthed as LIFE, re-aligning myself



This blog might come forth as me being hard  on myself, as I know I place a certain expectation onto myself, but I do this to shoot for the starts and reach the moon kind of thing, it helps for me to really SEE what is here, I do consider my practical living points currently even when in my writing it might look to the reader that I am just sitting and doing nothing, yet it is the exact opposite, all my time is full, so the point I am making is, in that I must stop the COPING character and take on the ACTIVE living of process stance as ME.

(I am writing this blog during a 12 hour work shift with the new job I got, after just having 3 hours of sleep and finishing an 8 hour shift before that, while Leila is sick and in bed with me taking care of Cesar) proofing to myself that when I am an active participant in my process there is time, there is space, I am here, and interestingly enough this actually supports a lot during my work shift, some simple good old writing. luckily it is online and gives the opportunity, 5 min here and there to write. So no more excuses for me in my position and location in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a version of me that is coping, and so within this coping version of me feel I do not have to work more on myself as I am coping, as coping to the mind is just enough to remain in a state of survival and thus as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to COPE within and as the mind, and so not push myself further to stop me as the mind participation through implementing BREATH  and self-forgiveness daily to truly transcend ME to rebirth myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of LIFE through accepting and allowing a complacent within me of coping and seeing that as enough, and so waste my time and life simply coping, making it in the system, yet not within me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to narrow down my process to that of coping, as if that is the reason I am here, to simply cope and make it through each day, not seeing and realizing that within such a stance within myself and within life I have given up, failed in essence, and so lost the essence of this process as me, as why I am walking this process for me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aspire for and towards small trivial gratifications in and of self interest on a daily basis to suppress my personal process and walking my personal process actively, taking on each and every point, and not just the seemingly important once, where I would on a daily basis aim for simple Matrix achievements of "I made it through the day", I have apparently done what was important (which according to the system is ONLY surviving) and then have to do nothing more but be a slave that is satisfied with his survival for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disturbing MYSELF through actually passionately walk my higher purpose this life of re-birthing myself as life, to stand one and equal as a true Destonian , facing my SHIT, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses and to forgive myself, to change to stand as what is best for all life, to own everything and take responsibility for all that is here as me within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SHAVE my head and to keep my head shaved as a DESTONIAN as a living stance of the principals I stand by and as, YET miss the personal process I as a Destonian also committed to walk, which isn't pretty and nice, but self-honest openly, and to share this process, my process and to walk it where many others will resist and so stand as an example this one life that I have as me walking my personal process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FORGET the starting point of me being here, the point of why I am doing this without choice, and so have fallen into CHOICE as an illusion within simply coping and throwing away my time and moments of opportunity to stand and to face myself, to change myself, to stop myself as my mind and to rebirth myself as life, as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LOSE sight of my process within the difficult times I have and am facing of real time physical change, through going into the character of coping, instead of standing breathing and seeing my process as an active living in each breathe where each and everything is a reflection of me and so an opportunity to face myself and take my process on actively, instead of my process simply running in the back ground and going the long hard route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with everything instead of dealing with everything, and so within not dealing with everything that comes up within me as my reactions, my feelings, me experiences, I suppress and build up an entity of energy that posses me within my body, my actions, my thinking and eventually directs my life for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KNOW what I am doing through NOT writing self-forgiveness daily, through blogging as much as I can or making vlogs where I can and actively walking my process and NOT doing anything about what I know but WAIT for better days where I do not have to cope with changes and time, not seeing and realizing that through walking my process actively I solve the problem of where I feel I am stuck in and coping within, as I know this, I have done this, I have lived this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and keep myself in a consistent state of coping where I become very reactive to small things, petty things that occur in my small reality of coping as a way of finding entertainment and purpose, as I have within coping lost sight of my "higher" purpose that is me as my process, where my focus is inwards, into me I see and so walk from within outwards as a rebirth process in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I am reactive and taking things very personal in small things, as I have started to narrow my view of life within my coping bubble and so made everything personal, as I have insulated myself into a personal bubble where I believe everything is about me, losing sight of life and who I am here as life and so everything is a reflection of me to me and not something I must feel separate from and react to, take personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Lose my voice through not expressing myself and stepping out of my coping character that tells me "do not do what is here only keep things as they are" and so start to isolate myself and cut myself off, creating fear and anxiety within myself instead of confidence and self-trust as me here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have refrained from sharing myself within the coping character in fear of getting to much feedback or requests to talk and that I will not be able to cope then, instead of trusting me here breath by breath to move and direct without procrastination and burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from doing anything more within and as my process in the assumptive projection of expectation within my mind that I will overload myself by walking my own process and writing and sharing and making vlogs - and so have created a perfect MIND wall to not walk the very thing that supports me as to keep the mind in tact and in control ever so diminishing me.

My commitment is lived in the existence of this very blog for today = )




Breaking Inner and OuterBoundaries - Day 658



The word for the day for me is BOUNDARIES

My horror scope is Aries and in the word boundARIES there is this Aries, typically a symbol of a RAM, and its ruling planet is MARS, it is the element of FIRE.

BOUNd is a leaping movement towards or over something.

Now boundaries is lines marking the limits of an area, a dividing line.

So, here we have this word with two words in it, the two words within it is that of BREAKING the word they together form/make. A RAM will break boundaries and ram into it, push it, get itself on the other side, and it will do so with the movement of bound, leaping towards it or over it.
What I am doing here with this word is - I am looking at what it is opening up for me at the moment while exploring it real time here. like reading Osho cards.

What comes up within me, I see that I have the COURAGE to when I see boundaries within me that I have created towards other people, how to interact with them, and when and howto BOUND over that line, take that step to go talk to them, interact, open up what I define as "intimate" moments, YET I disregard the courage, I rather take the RAM inside of me that can easily BOUND to something new and maintain the boundaries.

I do this, as I see within me that I have a "missing piece" so to say. I do not KNOW how to be, who to be, what to say when real things open up, emotional things, I fear the worst will and can happen such as someone breaking down, and I am then to blame for breaking the boundaries and so opening the flood gates, and this leads to me instead remaining lame, not moving.

I then have this Energy (Inner G) that builds up of accumulated rage, as the couRAGE to break boundaries is denied, that then needs direction, and this is where I then become the RAm breaking the wrong boundaries so to say, boundaries that are unnecessary to break and that leads to consequences.

This is where the RAM as a MAR(S) planet comes out (mars resembles WAR) and I declare war onto myself, as I am now fighting with myself, to break the boundaries that matter that requires actual courage, versus the easy boundaries that I break out of rage that only causes self-harm and more diminishment of myself.

The reason being, I know that the boundaries I need to break with people will actually matter, not just for the sake of moving forward, but to actually support and assist each other as equals, and not just on face value. This is what matters, realness within self-honesty.

So now, I must whenever I see a point within me, where there is a window, a moment to BOUND myself forward as the RAM of Aries to LEAP over the resistance and to go into the "unknown to learn intimacy, softness, to get rid of the programmed war machine within myself, and so others.

Thus I must break the word boundaries first as in it isn't real, to then unleash the potential words to live as BOUND and the ANIMAL ram, to ram forward into actual growth and potential.

When I think about what others think about me Day 657



When we THINK about what OTHERS are thinking about US, we must realize the obvious within such a moment, we are in fact thinking it about ourselves what we think others think about us, as it is happening in our heads.

For a long time in my life, and even still today, I had the thought and a consistent perception within ME that others see me, and think of me, not so clever, bright/smart.

I used to apply self-forgiveness in a way that validated MY thinking, where I would say I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by what others think of me" - this is in fact BLAME and revealed how little I understood.

How in the first place do I know what others are thinking of me in their minds? I am not a mind reader, I can not see thoughts, and how important do I think I am that if I could see peoples thoughts, that their thoughts would be about me all the time?

Secondly, When I look at it for real, I am the one thinking about myself all the time, thinking and thinking, about myself, and I am the one thinking about how stupid/dumb I am, as I am the one constantly in my mind comparing myself to others, making myself MORE than others as to hide the comparison that I see myself as LESS than.

Thus, my self-forgiveness (when I catch myself in such thoughts of what others are thinking about me) should be - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am dumb/stupid - this way taking it back to myself, and as you can see, a LOT more opens up for me to work through and actually move forward within my process as myself.

I write this #backtoself as a reminder for myself and others that when we have thoughts about others when we think what others are thinking about us, we must realize the obvious, it is happening within us, and it is US and we must take responsibility accordingly.

I am NOT IMPORTANT - Day 655

I am NOT important

To think you are important can be the biggest thing that holds you back from living your fullest potential.

Here is my self-forgiveness on this topic of thinking I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK that I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the idea as a thought within my mind that I am important.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to look at why and what I believe of myself to be important and where these believes come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk and talk as if I am important and thus more than others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be important gives me value as a being, and so I value everything of everyone else except that of myself as principle as who I am and thus stand by as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am important t than I am destined of r great things that is better than other people’s destinies, thus not seeing and realizing that within this I will do and act in ways that PUSH others down just so that I can be important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL and believe that IF I am not important in the eyes of others then I will have no value and meaning as a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to WANT to be important as to be seen as MORE than others as to not have to live in FEAR f others as I believe that the idea of being important from others naturally takes away my own fears and insecurities of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR not being important and thus irrelevant and useless to others and so myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be raised without question by my parents that I am important/special and so more than other people, where this was told to me as an insecurity from my parents of believes they already had of me as NOT being capable, as not surviving in this world and so I had to have an idea of myself as being MORE and so being important, yet accepting and allowing through this within me the polarity of intense fear of not being important and thus NOT surviving/living in this world and failing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the FEAR of that if I am not important then I do not exist and may as well then self-destruct and abuse, and so using the IDEA of I am important as a way to “motivate” myself to be better, to be more than what I believe of myself, SEEING and realizing that this is  a band aid that can be harshly ripped off if I suddenly do not feel important and go into all the point that I believe if myself negatively as the polarity playouts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I LOOK makes me important and even so more important than others and how they look like in comparison. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEE my life story and what I have gone through and lived as SO fucking important and thus MORE than others that I hold onto this false Idea of what my life means, what it should mean, what it is going to mean, and in the meantime glorifying my own story and making it so important that I am bound to not be important as I disregard all other stories as equally important just to keep myself important to have value and meaning, even going to the lengths of making my story more than what it is just to get that attention of look how important I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest to the degree of selling myself out completely to FEAR just to be important and so give up my living, my expression and my natural breathing in the fear of it not being important enough and losing within this life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how the idea of me being so fucking important has crippled me from actually being important to myself in a way that matters to me and to all life equally as who I am and standing as, where there is no fear and only self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I believe that I a important with a special mission this life, I will always fail as the importance and specialness does not and never will match reality and only creates FEAR of failure and so losing importance and thus never actually being able to take the steps that is needed for change, but rather holding on to a fake state of importance and security as EGO/Illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that as long as I trap myself within the idea/opinion and vision of myself as being important, or someone that will be important, that I trap myself in absolute anxiety and fear of LIVING as everything I do and say and live can always possibly be a failure and that an act of simply not existing or deserving to exist as a mind fuck. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I am No ONE then I have NOTHING to lose, to fear to be anxious about, and ONLY everything to GIVE as who I am standing within my principle as what is best for all LIFE. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others within living in a state of self-importance as an imposed state of being within this reality onto others and so suffocating other people through my own self-importance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through living in an illusionary world of my ego as a believer of myself that I am somehow magically important, and thus more than others, where I destroy what is REAL for that which does not exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I speak/talk to other people to always have this stance within me of that I am the important person within the conversation and not the other person and so within this Gain nothing and Give nothing except keeping myself trapped in a bubble of illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it HARD within myself to see myself as in fact equal to another human being/life, where I have accepted and allowed the judgment as back chat to exist within me of “ I am doing something different than the other person, I am doing things different,  am different, and this other person is just a normal person” and so I use this as I am more and important and this other normal person isn’t because they are normal, and so disconnect myself from reality here completely and distance myself from actually walking my process as myself real time with the other being and including them in my “different” and vice versa to come to a reality of what s best for all in fact. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE as little as possible through holding onto the idea/believe that I am important and so have to do less and give less. Thus seeing and realizing that I must be NOTHING and so I have everything to give as I have NOTHING to lose, as they believe and idea of I am important ONLY creates a fear of consistent loss on a physical and emotional level as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as my value, and so my value is everything except one and equal as LIFE.

I fear that when I have nothing to lose, then there is nothing that can stop me from living fully as life (not the idea of life FYI) being careful here of ego again. 

I fear nothing when I have nothing to lose, and what I fear the most to lose is the idea of myself, the believe and these ideas and believes is what I value myself as through others, when my value is that of LIFE one and equal and walking in principle as who I am, then there is nothing to lose and only everything to give.

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