Day 121 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 7.

Continuing from Day 115 Part 1 taking quotes and applying Self Forgiveness accordingly.

Quote 6: “why do I see it as a train – a train symbolizes an object that moves on tracks, a set path and that this object (train) carries lots of people or a delivery load – this is why I see it shows the symbolism of me believing I have to keep moving for others to keep moving in the fear of that if I stop moving others will stop moving because I belief I am responsible for dragging them and also keeping them going.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the responsibility of others onto myself, realizing that each being is self responsible and so I am self responsible within Who I am as all others, and thus it is who I am that determines what I do and not what I do that determines who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place what I do such as carrying the responsibility of others onto myself within the Idea/belief that it will decide who I am, not realizing that within this I place pressure on myself and what I do and never focusing on myself as who i am, and so put my body through physical stress and anxiety within the belief of what is expected of me to do so that others will also keep moving and not fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I work outside such as building things to push my body more and more within the belief/idea that if I push my body physically to its limits others will see what I am doing and within that move themselves more and more as well as motivational point, realizing that within this I am taking others responsibility out of their hands to create and develop self movement for themselves and within this only compromising my body and placing myself under stress, thus I realize it is to move myself according to breathe in and as the physical within consistency and not within physical force and to within the movement as my body as breathe as Who I am be a leading example instead of a forcing movement onto others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others not moving themselves and to within this fear move myself even more and to harm my body to show them what they must do and be willing to move as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am determines what I do, and thus I can see who I am as moving fear/stress isn’t healthy and not supportive or assisting anyone or myself, and thus I realize it is for me to slow down and to take self responsibility for myself first within and as my movement and so be a example for others where they can see and learn from and move themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at myself as Who I am and only focus on what others are doing in within this comparison also only focus on what I am doing and not who I am, realizing that this is forming competition within me where I want to move more and better than the rest, so that I can say and tell them, look you are not doing your best as I am and so force them to move more and more as I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within what I am capable of doing and what they are capable of doing and to within this always wanting to be the best just to not be seen as the others as not doing anything, not moving, not taking self responsibility and being the good guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within wanting to be the good guy through doing the right thing always, even if it means harming my body and putting my body under stress and anxiety, realizing that the body cannot maintain itself effectively under stress and fear as the body needs to use physical chemicals and energy to generate these two emotions to be experienced which requires my mind to eat from the flesh and so within living this way I actually cause my own skinniness and constant hunger, a hunger for acceptance and gratification from others as being the good guy and to not be classified as the ones that doesn’t do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others within the fear of being seen as others through their actions and being judged by their actions in a criticized way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being criticized by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as someone useless within others eyes through my application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately act and move in ways to impress others even if it means selling my body as losing weight and being skinny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my skinniness has a origin and that it is to look within my actions to see who I am and to then deconstruct the actions that I have defined myself as the patterns and to then in reverse re-birth myself where I create myself first as WHO I AM as a self directive decision and to from that as that which is best for all life move myself in oneness and equality as the physical in each breathe as Life.

To be Continued..

Day 120 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 6

Continuing from Day 115 Part 1 taking quotes and applying Self Forgiveness accordingly.

Quote 5: “the belief I see within myself where I have to keep the fire alive within myself to keep these scary heavy metals moving up and down to keep the wheels spinning to keep moving and to keep going forwards.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I need a Fire as a energetic experience of myself to physically keep me moving, through the self judgment of being skinny I have to compensate for it by being extra energetic to have the same level of power as those with physical bodies that is physically bigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mind through imposing Ideas/beliefs/opinions about myself onto myself as a alternate self to generate an energetic experience within myself to force my body to do more – realizing that this leads to tiredness and the body requiring more physical energy to burn into nothingness, and thus eventually take all the fat from the body and even from the muscles to generate energy to power to mind so that the mind can force the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to within being skinny prove myself as still being equally strong as those that isn’t skinny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must be equally strong as all others within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must proof to others that my skinny body has hidden powers in strength and durability through pushing my body as the mind with and as energy of the mind burning the physical bodies energy to stimulate the minds energy to force the physical till exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must keep going and gaining more and more strength, realizing that within this behavior/movement I am creating physical consequences for myself as my body through exhausting my body and its natural resources and so create and manifest a metabolism that also just keep going and going that burns all my physical energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must keep going forwards the whole time within pushing my body till I reach the Idea/belief/opinion within my mind of what I must achieve, realizing that even if I do achieve the Idea/belief/opinion I will simply change it and the chase will continue and never end and within this only trap and enslave myself to the same patterns for a life time till I realize that I am here in and as the physical breathing and moving as the physical and that is what is relevant and living life and not chasing castles in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I push myself to achieve the expectations of the mind through keeping ongoing that I will achieve my desires, realizing that the mind is constantly changing and thus I set myself up for a life time of chasing, thus I realize it is best to be self honest and to stop and breathe and be here in and as the physical in each moment and to accordingly life one and equal as my body as the physical as a achievement in itself of myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief I must use the mind/Machine to achieve physical goals, realizing that the mind that is of alternate realities cannot be trusted, as the mind is not in consideration of the physical in fact but only based on pictures and memories and thoughts/feelings/emotions that is constantly changing and giving different inputs to fuck with oneself and to enslave and limit and thus I realize that the goals I want to achieve physically will always appear more and not achieved within the mind and thus is really useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SCARE my body through imposing the ideas/pictures/beliefs/opinions onto the body and to within this create and manifest anxiety/stress within myself during my daily living and applications as I have scared my body into not looking as the picture in my mind and live in self hatred/judgment/abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief instead of live here in and as the physical.

To be continued

Day 119 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 5

Continuing from Day 115 Part 1 taking quotes and applying Self Forgiveness accordingly.

Quote 4: “ I weigh 65kg and I am 22 and 1.77m high, this is according to “professionals” underweight and I agree. Even when I remove the Idea of how I must “look” physically according to pictures, the physical reality is I am under weight and my body is not gaining weight that is seen as healthy.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust professionals of a system that is not built on what is best for all life and within the consideration of the physical, but that is built on consumerism where profit is the driving force of each and every word spoken by any professional, yet considering what they say and to analyze the practicality and common sense within it is trusting myself and seeing what is real and what is only being said to make profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree with professionals just because they are apparently professional, yet when I ask them questions that seem obvious such as what would have caused the problem in the first place they will not be able to give me and answer but only force solutions based on their perceptions of the situation onto me which costs money and so they make money, realizing that I must investigate the “problem” myself with the info they gave me with self honesty and common sense and my own research where I can and to apply corrections accordingly or not – self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of being Skinny because someone labeled with professional said so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the words of a professional words that must be taken seriously and not lightly and to within this go into fear of having to much or lack of something such in my case “weight” and since a professional said so, it must be serious, realizing that a professional is only professional within what he is taught to know to make capital/profit in a profit driven system and thus all and any info a professional gives that comes from a system designed to suck money out of people, I must be self honest with myself and the info and to trust myself to not trust all I hear or read and rather apply my own research as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make my skinniness a problem just because a “professional” said so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the professional and what he said as the statistics as my reasons, excuses for abusing my body with Protein shakes, mass muscle gaining shakes and heavy gym and putting pressure on my body, joints, bones, muscles.

I forgive myself that I have made a problem out of my body at looking at how my body looks physically and to accept and allow professional info that looks at what healthy is also according to picture perfect bodies and NOT at all at what and how the physical functions/works in practicality in and as the physical.

I asked a guy ones at a sport shop at the weights and exercising equipment section what Can I do to gain weight – I then told him my history and what the “problem is” he suggested everything he had to me, I told him I already tried everything except steroids, he looked at me and he said – OK here is what you must do – for a couple of months you must work as little as possible and only work at the gym, and you must eat Macdonals three times a day.

I looked at him and I said, No thanks, and then walked away.

So here a professional told me to basically go and destroy my body and to compromise and create problems for my body that will manifest in the long run, yet he did not consider that point at all and he just looked at my body and how my body looked like from the outside and gave me solutions according to that, now if you ever ask a professional for help and he looks at your body as a picture that needs fixing, know any help you will get from that will not be what is Best.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being unhealthy due to how my body looks like according to the bodies that is being advertised on TV and magazines as being healthy – realizing I will probably die unhealthy then as the healthy pictures portrayed by the media is always un achievable for most people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being unhealthy due to opinions from others and the media about how I am not looking and to within this Judge my body as being un healthy and actually move and direct myself within and as fear of being unhealthy and go out and abuse my body at the gym, doing hard core sports, using chemicals, and torturing myself in my mind the whole time about how I look, realizing that this is exactly what Capitalism as the consumerism society wants to exist within me so that I will spend my money and they will make money within using what I fear or what they create within me to fear to drive me as my secret mind/intentions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am unhealthy because of what the Media says Healthy is and must look like through creating fear messages to brainwash the masses to feel shit about themselves and to then go out to find the solutions in all the traps Capitalism set up just before sending out the Bait as the fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that If I was never told I am skinny or unhealthy according to how my body looks I would never have had a problem with it and would actually have focused on how I live as me my body and actually be effective in living as the physical body, not chasing pictures in my head the whole time every day in fear of not looking a certain way in fear of not being accepted and being judged and in the end in fear of not being loved, instead of seeing how I am within my body as the physical experience and functions of the body, as such I am quite effective.

To Be Continued.

Day 118 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 4.

Continuing from Day 117 that is a follow up from Day 116 and Day 115 where I take Quotes from the Day 115 Blog and apply Self Forgiveness on each point.

Quote 3: “I have made the skinny “problem” a big problem, I actually made it my mission to gain weight and to do this before I reach the middle ages because I do not want to look like a skinny boy all my life, never getting that “full body” look – interesting how I first talk about the physical problem but then it ends up being all about “looks” again”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by the Idea/self-belief/opinions/self-judgments of the mind as energy and to within this possession live it out as my “LIFE” mission to gain weight at all costs, even if it means abusing my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body physically as who I am as the flesh in the pursuit of happiness that I am following according to pictures in my mind that isn’t even based on the actual physical reality of all things here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remaining skinny even when I am in my middle ages. and within and as this “thought”- seeing myself being old and skinny And that I have wasted my Life away within the pursuit of gaining weight and living in regret and never lived life, to rush myself in great fear/anxiety/stress to gain weight before then, not realizing and seeing that I have already wasted six years of my Life only trying to gain weight and muscles and a different body look/appearance according to pictures in my mind and that in this rush I lose track of time as I exist in the mind as energy, and to realize that before I know it I will be in my middle ages still skinny still chasing, and within this actually manifesting my fear through my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that being skinny (not anorexic) isn’t wrong and inst unhealthy, it is but how my body is designed through DNA I inherited from my parents and that I have no real choice to change it, yet I do have the point of making a decision within myself to stop the chase and to stop the mission and to except myself as I am here in and as the physical after I have tried everything I can to change it practically and to live my life here in and as the physical one and equal and to use my body with what I have to do what is best for all life in all ways in all possible practical ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself and to want to rush myself and how I grow and how my body is designed and to within this rushing I am compromising and actually changing the direction my body is growing according to the signals I give my body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I tell myself every day I am skinny and that if I do this for years and already have, that I am giving my body the signals that I am skinny and thus I will remain skinny no matter how much I work out or eat as that which I am telling myself is what I create myself as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that participating in the mind as that which gives electrical signals to my body and organs that I am daily through my own self judgements/beliefs/ideas/opinions constantly giving the signal of I am skinny and thus it will counter act what I do as eating a lot or working out because The mind will simply tell my metabolism I am skinny and thus it must burn all fat that comes in to keep me skinny. Also realizing that going into the polarity point of now wanting to tell myself I am fat everyday will not work as the fear that motivates it is still based on fear of being skinny and thus the message remains the same to the body, realizing it is to stop all self judgments/beliefs/ideas/opinions and fear and to stop the participation in the mind as this will stop all conscious/sub-conscious/un-conscious signals the body is receiving and the body will not be under constant attack as the electrical signals the mind is sending out and the body as me as who I am can grow or not within and as the physical as the physical expression here as Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everything about me about how I LOOK – realizing that this is completely fucking around with the body as the physical as the body isn’t designed to look good or bad, as the body is designed to function in oneness and equality within and as the physical here as LIFE. And so realizing that as long as I give the body electrical Bombing sessions of how the body must look through forcing and reflecting pictures in my mind onto all my cells the whole time, the cells that has a specific function within the body will not be confused As the cells are receiving messages from the mind that does not comply with what its practical function is and thus the cells will be compromised and eventually cause harm to the body such as cancer – realizing that if I continue to tell my body anything else other than what they do that they are open for malfunctioning and bearing consequences.

It is like telling a banana through electrical impulses to become a apple because it looks better, what will happen? It will obviously have physical dysfunctions and who knows what else might come out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all that I require to give my body is BREATH as that is all they require from my head to function, and that anything else such as the mind with multibillions of dimensions sending millions of more signals to the body will compromise the body and how the body functions and LIMIT the body completely within its true actual physical expression as LIFE.

To be Continued.

Day 117 – Being Skinny – The Machine within Part 3

I am continuing from Day 116 where I take quotes from the first Blog Day 115 and applying Self Forgiveness.

Quote 2: “This is bothering me a lot, since I am skinny and in need of some fat, Why? Because my bones are literally sticking out at places such as my hip bones, this is really uncomfortable when I lay down, any way any position, when I lay on my stomach it feels like the bones are peeling through my skin, when I lay on my back it feels like my stomach is laying on my back bone and my hip bones are sticking out and uncomfortable.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered with my skinniness from and as the MIND within thoughts/feelings/emotions based on Ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgments that occupy my mind and so put stress on my body which takes more energy from my physical body to sustain all the mental activities, instead of realizing that breathing and be here in and as the physical will stop all the energy my mind is harvesting from and as my body that actually takes physical energy such as fat and turn it into mental energy that then is “lost and so only adding to the weight loss or not gaining weight and to breathe and move here will support and assist me as the body in stabilizing itself and only using energy from and as the body to actually support what it is meant to support as the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being skinny to the word bothered and that when and as I see any sign of being skinny I immediately go into stress and fear of being skinny. and within this being bothered by it all day and existing within the mind as fear/stress about me being skinny and how I look as being skinny and how sick I might look being skinny and to then go into a state of polarity where I will eat and eat and eat till I feel I have gained some weight and might look a little bit fatter just to not be bothered by it, realizing that when I go into such pattern of being bothered by it and physically living the actions driven by fear/stress in my day where I tend to move the whole time and try and do things to prevent me from going skinnier I am actually through my actions of fear/stress as eating more training my body and my metabolism to work faster as I eat more and more and move more and more in the hope to prevent weight loss I am actually causing it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the physical actions that I take of and as a pattern that is reactive based on a thought that is motivated by fear from and as past memories/experiences and that this is actually only creating the problem as it is not based within and as the actuality of the physical but of a mind picture Idea/belief/judgment that is based on energy that does not consider how the physical functions in fact and so within the energetic movements as a pre-programmed robot I am actually only causing what I am trying to prevent as the prevention is based on illusions of the mind such as pictures memories Ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the pattern of fear of being skinny within the fear of not being loved by beautiful women that I belief will only lover men with full built bodies such as seen and advertised on TV and magazines as brainwashing to create a society of kids/men that is insecure and that will spend Billions of corporations such as Gym’s and Gaining Muscle protein shakes and even end up using steroids, as the children is never taught about how the human physical body in fact works and looks naturally and what it is capable of in its actual form and that size has nothing to do with anything but Looks, leaving generations of kids chasing pictures/castles in the sky of Ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgment and that is all they ever will do never reaching that picture and always be in a depression and self judgment mentality that corporations will take and use to make billions advertising the few successful ones to lure in the millions – it is all for capitalism, even if it means breaking people deliberately to give a beforehand created solution. Its like creating a virus when you know only u have the anti-virus deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I had to grow up in a jungle all alone by myself, I would not have had any Idea/belief/judgment/opinion about how my body looks as being skinny/fat/muscular/just okay etc, and that all that would have mattered would have been the function of my body to do practical activities daily to have all my basic needs met and to life comfortably with and as my body in and as the physical and how the physical functions.

Point.

We all know Chimpanzees, they are monkeys that are quite intelligent if you compare them to the Idea of what intelligent is of the human “the human can’t even look after his own world and even seeing that he is Fucking it up, he continues, so I would not agree with the idea that Humans are intelligent, any way – Chimps are smaller than Humans, they have the body built/structure very close to a human, Chimps do not look like body builders, in fact you can hardly see any “big” muscles, it all looks straight and normal so to say – yet a full grown Chimpanzee male that is still smaller than a full grown human and is EIGHT TIMES stronger than a Full grown Man – so does the size of how your body looks like have anything to do with what your body is capable of in and as the physical.

Consideration - as the chimps do not have any Judgments/beliefs/ideas/opinions about their bodies as the human do – they are not limited as we are limiting ourselves to it or causing any harm to their bodies through the mind as the Ideas/Beliefs/Judgments/opinions. They simply live as the physical here.

To be continued…

Day 116 – Being Skinny – The Machine Within Part 2

Here I am going to Quote from my Part 1 Blog Day 115 and Apply Self Forgiveness underneath each Quote.

The nice thing about writing in a ranting and raving style is, one exposes himself without even noticing it within the words and the way the words are used, so from my previous Blog day 115 I can see now going back where I have exposed myself and now I can apply Self Forgiveness on all the points.

Quote 1: “Ok so my “problem”, I cannot gain weight, so far not ever. “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my body a problem through the judgment I place onto my body through imposing Ideas/beliefs/opinions onto my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my body a problem through focusing on my body as being imperfect according to and in comparison to other bodies that I have seen and judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the Belief of “I cannot gain weight” as a fact within myself within my mind as a point of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the point of “I cannot gain weight” as a reason/justification/excuse within myself for why I am skinny not to have to face the real point within myself as Who I am as my relationship towards myself as me as the flesh/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief/judgment of “I cannot gain weight” as a Characteristic I have created of the Skinny guy Character and to within this justify why I just accept and allow it to be as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat “I cannot gain weight” to myself almost every day as a reason for why I am skinny, and to tell this excuse as my words that I live to others to not have to feel insecure for being skinny and to manipulate others to accept me also as being skinny with giving them all my reasons/excuses/justification of why I can gain skinny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give praise to the self belief of “I cannot gain weight” as if it is special and unique and that I have something many others would love to have and thus within the statement of “I cannot gain weight” feel proud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride the Idea/belief that “I cannot gain weight” as to having something others want to have.

 I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at the point of pride within my secret mind as to why I would want to hold onto such a point of imposing Ideas/beliefs onto the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my ego as the mind consciousness systems within giving pride to my Idea/belief of “I cannot gain weight” while the rest of the world is getting obese.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge obese people as being unlucky. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Pride my apparent luck of not gaining weight, realizing that I was but only lucky by chance that I got specific DNA from my Parents and to pride my Parents DNA as Me, I am only enslaving myself to and as their DNA and all that comes with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within my belief/Idea of “I cannot gain weight” I have given into the system of Pride of that which is of the Mind consciousness system to keep me trapped within the mind as energy enslavement to never realize myself as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to within looking at this point consider the polarity play out as energy to see the hidden secret mind that create this world as that which I move and direct myself as secretly in/of the mind to create characters to walk among characters to survive and in the name of fear of not being loved.

To be continues…..

Day 115 – Being Skinny – the machine within Part 1

Ok so my “problem”, I cannot gain weight, so far not ever. 

This is bothering me a lot, since I am skinny and in need of some fat, Why?  Because my bones are literally sticking out at places such as my hip bones, this is really uncomfortable when I lay down, any way any position, when I lay on my stomach it feels like the bones are peeling through my skin, when I lay on my back it feels like my stomach is laying on my back bone and my hip bones are sticking out and uncomfortable.

I have made the skinny “problem” a big problem, I actually made it my mission to gain weight and to do this before I reach the middle ages because I do not want to look like a skinny boy all my life, never getting that “full body” look – interesting how I first talk about the physical problem but then it ends up being all about “looks” again – so is this uncomfortably really a physical point, or is it because I judge myself so much for being skinny that my mind is concentrated on it the WHOLE time and thus that is what causes the uncomfortablitity – (yes that is the reason).

I weigh 65kg and I am 22 and 1.77m high, this is according to “professionals” underweight and I agree. Even when I remove the Idea of how I must “look” physically according to pictures, the physical reality is I am under weight and my body is not gaining weight that is seen as healthy.

My skinniness can be a problem, if I get Ill I am fucked, I looks weight like it is nothing, I lost 9kg in 3 days the one time I was Ill. This is actually life threatening for when I do get Ill. My body basically has no back up supplies. 

I eat about 8 meals a day, three main course and lots of vegetables and sandwiches in between, people ask me – where the fuck does it go?

I did some research and it all comes back to me having a fast metabolism – so why do I have a fast metabolism? Why is my body burning food/energy as if there is a fire that needs to be kept alive in my stomach!

So I am now going to look at the point of why, because it is my body and I am aware of who I am and my behaviors and living patterns and through investigating myself and my life, I can see why I have designed myself to how I have lived in such a way that my body needs to burn energy constantly the whole time.

When I look at the whole metabolism point within myself and I have to spontaneously explain how I see it within myself as How I experience it, it will go as follow – I see my body as a steam train from back in the old days – where there is a fire in the train that is kept alive with coal, and the fire can only keep going as long as it is fed with coal, if the coal runs out the fire dies and the train stops, and I also see these metal objects that move up and down as the fire burn that keeps the wheels spinning, and this is the belief I see within myself where I have to keep the fire alive within myself to keep these scary heavy metals moving up and down to keep the wheels spinning to keep moving and to keep going forwards. 

Well there I have my answer – as I described the Picture idea/belief that I see within myself I can see where and how I am living my life as that.

So now I am looking at the belief that I have to always keep moving, I have to always be looking Alive” and moving forwards and that I have to keep strong within doing so, and I can see within living out such a belief I am burning myself up, I am depleting my body of energy to just do that all day every day, it is all coming from the Idea of having to please everyone, because if the train stands still everyone will moan and say stuff.

Here is another interesting point that I just now saw, why do I see it as a train – a train symbolizes an object that moves on tracks, a set path and that this object (train) carries lots of people or a delivery load – this is why I see it shows the symbolism of me believing I have to keep moving for others to keep moving in the fear of that if I stop moving others will stop moving because I belief I am responsible for dragging them and also keeping them going. 

No wonder I burn all my energy, living in such a way in the mind in following beliefs/ideas the whole time that isn’t even real, it is but an idea I have of myself.

So looking back at the point I mentioned of losing 9kg in 3 days I can see why I lost so much weight in such a short time, because While I was sick and could not move or do anything, basically feeling useless – I still kept my mind running, keeping burning the energy as I was in the fear of not moving, fear of not pleasing and fear of not being relevant.

I have red once that the mind uses 80% more energy than the body, so one will be more tired thinking all day them working all day.

Now I am doing both, working physically all day plus existing in my mind, burning all that energy, because if I move myself in and as an Idea/belief/judgment of myself then I am actually moving myself as a mind in the physical, thus I am at once burning twice the amount of physical energy from my body to sustain what I am doing – instead of living here as Breathe in and as the physical – NO MIND no thinking no feelings or emotions, those things takes Physical energy to sustain itself and to exist, and burns the physical energy into nothing, it is  wasting. 

So over all I am looking here at what is the belief of myself that I am imposing/trying to live out that takes all my energy, instead of living here in breathe as the physical.

Links for support
Self Honesty
Self Responsibility
Self Awareness steps for the Elite
Looking for more.

 

To be continued.

Day 114 – I can’t Do Better Character – Self Corrective Statements

This is a continuation of Day 113.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I can not do better, to stop and to breathe and to see within self honesty and common sense that it is only a belief that I have created and played out in my life as real, and to within this push myself to do better than what I have accepted and allowed myself to do within applying myself in daily tasks as to get things quickly done even if it is sabotaging me and compromising my environment and others and to stop the abuse and push myself to expand and grow and to be here within and as the physical within all physical consideration of how I can actually do/apply what I am doing with what is here to the best as the best as that which I would like for myself in all ways and all others.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into Excuses/reasons/justification of why I can not do better to to stop, to be self honest with myself that I KNOW that I could have done better or do better because I know I am only within the justifications/excuses/reasons defending a character and self created beliefs to defend the characteristics of “I do not want to do more than I have to, I want to get is done with quickly, I have more important things to do somewhere else etc” and to stop these characteristics within actually living the application of doing better, being patient and genuine within my application of myself and to stop the self imposing limitations.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself defending  the character of “I can not do better” to look within myself at all the judgements/beliefs/opinions/ideas I have about myself that I have created about myself that I use to limit myself as the character.To realize that it is only Beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions based on past memories/experiences that I have/am holding onto as an energetic experience either emotional/negative or feeling/positive and to see and realize that within and as the actuality of the physical here and not as the experiences as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I can in the moment change the past to be here as me breathing and applying myself to re-create myself and not be a slave to the mind to the past as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I belief must be real and that it must determine what I can and can not do, while in fact it is the physical that shows what is possible and what is not and the mind can only have beliefs/judgments/opinions/ideas about it while the physical is showing what it is in fact.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself limiting myself within the character of “I can not do Better” to actually for real test myself and this character in and as the physical to see if it is true or not, so when I have to build a Desk I will test myself and this character and I will do better, my best that I can and then see if the character is valid or not, and I can see within common sense and self honesty that this character is already not real and only a limitation and a creation of the past of the mind as memories/experiences as enslavement, enslaving me to the past as engraved characters that I belief is real and has meaning, yet only I can in each moment decide if I give them meaning and power to enslave me, or I can breathe and be here in and as the physical in consideration of all that is here to do what is best for all life and myself.

I commit myself to show that “I can not do better” characters are a creation of a system that is based on self interest such as capitalism where children are creations of consumerism where products are not made to last a life time and where everything is designed on profit and not real actual value of LIFE where thing are made to last and withstand lifetimes, and thus as the children grows up in such environments that can but only be products of such environments where they will not give their best and only do things that last a while till it breaks and thus capitalism is creating children that will never be able to do their best as LIFE as the physical as that which is real but only be able to live as creations that exist for a short while so the next thing can be made to make profit.

I commit myself to show that the “I can’t do better” character is a character that supports Capitalism and that Capitalist want people that can’t do better so that people/children can rely on the services of Capitalism to make profit and and thus the human will and can never truly evolve to the best life there is till Capitalism ends and a new world that Is best for all LIFE can come forth with the Equal Money System where as a Life that is BEST for all life can only create and educate and manifest children and thus adults that is the BEST in all ways.

Day 113 – I can’t Do better Character – Self Forgiveness

This is a continuation of Day 112.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind fuck myself within participating in the “I can’t do better” character through making myself belief I can not do better within all the reasons/justifications/excuses I make up and actually validate within my mind as “making sense” within the inner secret conversations as back chat within myself and to within this when the time comes and I have to do something I do it half way instead of expanding myself in learning and becoming better through more effort, and thus seeing and realizing that the “I can’t do better” character is simply a character that is afraid of doing a bit more work and giving it more effort because of the love I have for myself as the character because I have learned in the past where I say or tell someone “I can’t do better” and giving them all the excuses/reasons/justification to defend my own limitations and got away with it and through this learned that it is okay to do thing half way and like an ASS ASSlong as I have the right backup/ammunition for my statement as the character and so fell in love with this character because I felt like I won, I got away with it, I am excused and free because I simply can not do better and everyone else now also beliefs that of me and so I belief that of myself and so my LOVE for my character FUCKED me into limitation and to be a slave to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am applying myself within doing something and as I apply myself and thoughts come up as to why I CAN’T to give value to these thoughts as real and that they must have meaning and so limit myself as a thought and to remain a slave to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with myself within the situation of when and as I am applying myself in doing something that I am aware of all solutions and ways to do better as I have the insight in the moments of application, and that when I do not apply what I see is here and what is shown to me in the moment I go into a state of self diminishing myself and self hatred and then all the reasons/justification/excuses starts as I create them to justify why I was so deliberate in not doing better as I was able to see in the moments, and through this actually create myself as the limited Character that becomes a walking excuse/justification that is always only limiting me instead of expanding me in and as the physical as that which is here as LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am aware of why I do things and when I do them and how I do then and that I actually in each moment make deliberate decisions to not follow through in doing better and so only end up sabotaging myself and my life and my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to have have identified myself as the character of “I can not do better” and that it is who I am and will always be who I am, not seeing and realizing within identifying myself as the character as set in stone I am the only one keeping myself limited and trapped within all the self hatred/sabotaging/limitations and diminishing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I continue to participate within the “I can not do better” character that I will always live in fear and anxiety of other asking me to do things because I know I will act out the character in self defense of do not ask me you know I can t do it, I am not good at doing it, I am not worthy of doing it because I can t do anything good or make anything better and thus I will live in my own pool of emotions/fear/stress/anxiety/reactions because I have automated the self created belief of myself as “I can not do better” and thus created a character out of it to show and live a character that always shows people I can not do better just to not be asked to do thing because of the initial point of energy/experience being in love with the idea of not doing much or even just the bear minimal because I got and saw that I got away with it in the past and that I have connected a feeling of winning to it that I believed gave me power as manipulation of myself and others, not realizing that I only fucked myself in ever expanding and growing and being able to act and express myself in and as the physical one and equal as LIFE as true freedom as breath to be able as that which I create myself as, as WHO I Decide I AM.

to be continued on Self corrective statements.

Day 112 – I can’t do Better Character.

Oh yes – This character is a real mind fuck. I have lived in this Character for so long within so many things, giving this character all the good justification to why I just can’t do Better, really I just can’t, look at it, I have tried everything, really, I can’t do better, Oh wait I am just making myself belief that and so within ALL my efforts I am literally sabotaging myself to not do better. 

Why would I sabotage myself to not really do better and to rather give into the easy way of not doing better – well there is my answer- to have it easy, to not have to be ABLE to take Responsibility – to develop the ability to respond, so I am within this wanting to only have things easy “reacting the whole time instead of responding.

And so within this reaction I am having the whole time backed up with all these awesome great excuses such as Back-chat conversations in my head and secret mind (thoughts) to why I am reacting and not doing better I am only reacting to what the real reason is that is hidden. 

Example.

I have to build a wooden desk – the task was given to me to build a wooden desk and I accepted it. I started working on the desk and a day or two later I was done. 

The desk looked like shit and the structure is shit and I felt I accomplished something. Then the judgment day arrived where others now will see what I made and obviously they will question what I did and why I did it the way I did it and so forth.

So as I await the judgment I have already BEFOREHAND while I was working on the desk and as I worked on the desk and as I SAW what I can do as making a awesome desk BUT instead I did not do it even as I saw it was possible because I saw that it would have required me to be more patient and do more work, so I ended up doing it the quick and easy way and that was easy. And while I saw and ignored the Better way, as the ability to response to what I see needs to be done and that is practical and best for all, I immediately created reasons and Justifications and excused in my mind within secret conversations within myself that I KNEW I was going to use when others see what I saw and that they will not hesitate to question my actions, and I will have all the ammunition ready (excuses/reasons/justifications) to why I did it the way I did it while I clearly know it is a fucking LIE. 

So I have done this hundreds of times and I have seen my ass many times and I always ended up with a bag that I carry around with me that is invisible filled with self HATRED and self diminishing characteristics as I always only sabotaged myself and compromised others.

And The best part is – a few years later which is last year and this year – I have made a decision within myself to do things properly and to not sabotage myself and to not compromise the group/environment within how I am using my ability to respond responsibly, and I have learned a couple of things.

The first thing I learned was when I made another few desks is that it is actually much easier to make but more time and to learn much more skills and how to use them to built a much better stronger bigger desk that last long and is stable and then having all these skills to apply everywhere else.

The second thing I told myself was – WHY THE FUCK DID I LIMIT MYSELF, the third thing was – How did I accept and allow such useless Limitations of myself and how the fuck did I convince myself they were so real that I myself believed I could not get past it and that my reasons and justifications were made to be so big I thoughts they were actual mountains and cannot be moved, here I am moving mountains everyday because it isn’t mountains once I stopped the Back-Chat and all the 

excuses/reasons/justifications and my Life actually is so much easier and I have less headaches and I am less tired, and I now know that all the other points in my life where I go “I cannot do better” was and is created by myself because of all the times I fucked around and made it so real as myself as a Character that I believed is me and that it is just who I am built out of thoughts/feelings/emotions and obviously from memories/past experiences.

And this was/is but only one point in relation to building desks.

There are much more, such as me reading, writing, speaking, making art, working on the internet, making money, doing jobs, making videos, studying, etc.

Next up – Self Forgiveness
stay tuned.

Day 111 – Attracted To Broken Characters Self Forgiveness.

Self forgiveness on Day 110 –Attracted To Broken Characters 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me being attracted and giving into the feeling of attraction and calling it love towards girls who looks broken in character and that has a past/memories of where they have been hurt and how they have as the “hurt” created and manifested themselves into specific characters that shows the past/memories of abuse in who they are created as themselves and to connect this broken character within my mind as someone I must Save and thus I will be loved by this broken character and so I can love the broken character back, realizing that within this romantic deep feeling relationship of emotional turmoil and inner conflicts that I have as the savior character actually calling such a relationship tough love accepted and allowed the world to remain and continue existing the way it does – a world where people are broken and where heroes rely and wait on people getting hurt just to have a purpose in life – and thus I see and realize we that this is not love, this is two people that came together as their characters In fear – as the broken character needed someone that will not break them anymore and as the hero character needed someone to give him purpose as the hero character fears having no purpose and then they both come together In great FEAR and call it love because they support each other in their accepted and allowed ways as limited characters, instead of seeing and realizing that it is to STOP these characters and to not live as these characters of past and memory and to keep on creating the world as the past/memories and to birth self as new, as ALL LIFE one and equal and to realize how your past was created and that you never want to create it again for any other being on earth and so change the world for that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I fall in love or have any attraction towards broken characters that I am within that attraction And loving and liking saying – I am happy this Girl got beaten up or raped or molested or abused and smacked down because now she gives me purpose and so accepting the very evil in this world through the thing called love.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that The Character I have created for myself of my own past memories/experiences are a creation and can only be a creation of the current world that is pure evil as all life is abused in all ways, and thus if I give any value to my character as love and good and helping and caring while the world stays the way it is than I must realize my love my caring and my goodness is but a psychopathically love and validating all evil so that my love may have value and purpose. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I “love” am attracted to Broken characters that I am accepting and allowing them to exist as broken as I made and created my character to feed of their character like a vampire and thus in fact abusing the being and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me being attracted and falling for broken characters is supporting the creation of broken characters and thus abuse within this world as the creation of the broken characters and a broken world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me seeking validation and acceptance as love in this world through broken girls that is in need of validating and accepting a hero character in their live I am keeping the world the way it is as my character and the characters I desire and “love” and their creation is dependent on a broken world in need of saving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that my insecurities and fear of not being accepted and validated by others is dependent on other people as Broken characters to be broken so that I may built a character such as the savior/hero character that will save the broken characters that then will get Love as being accepted and validated, thus realizing that my fear hidden as love is creating and maintaining the world as it currently is here 90% of the planet is abused for self interest out of fear justified as love.

I commit myself to show that love is fear hidden in plain sight and that the love I/humans have for each other is dependent on a broken world that is not best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as I see I go into savior/hero character to stop and look at what the fuck is really going on and why I am accessing such a character that is in need of having to save someone and what does it actually imply in terms of the effects and acceptances and allowances and requirements in this world for such a character to exist and to justify such a character as being loving and how it is justifying the world to exist the way it currently is as abuse to Life and where abuse is accepted and allowed as character building blocks.. 

check out the Agreement course and support yourself and to walk a agreed relationship that is best for all life - investigate - Desteni I Process Relationship course, I have been in a agreement/relationship for 4 years now walking these principals and what I learned. 

Day 110 – Attracted to Broken Characters

All my Life whenever I fell for a girl or liked a girl of when ever I had a crush on a Girl due to certain characteristics I saw within them and how they are, I always discovered something Broken in them. 

Now what is the coincidence I ask myself, I mean it happened all the time, every-time, when I fall in love or like or am attracted to a girl there is a Past with this girl that basically fucked the girl up.

So this proves one thing, Characters are created from of memory as Past experiences, I mean it has now been proven to me over and over again, the characteristics I look for in a girl as the character she is ended up having a source as an fucked up past.

And the fact that I could read the characteristically points in the girls (as we all can) and they all ended up with the same point as some past that was horrible or disastrous or some stuff even still happening in their live, and this also shows that it is possible to read a persons past in their characteristics and behaviors and words etc. 

And what I find weird is, that I loved these broken characters, because they gave my Life and Who I was as my character meaning/value and so my character was supported by their characters and thus my character was supporting their characters.

This is Love Hate and Hate Love relationships – this is why the world is fucked up and can never change till we change for real.

Because looking at this character I was playing of being the “super hero” saving the girl or giving her a reason to live or to help her with her problems or to be there for her where the rest of the world is only against her, or where I am the loving awesome boyfriends because the rest of the world is so fucked up. 

And the girl is this character of being all submissive and always so attached and in need for me and wanting to be with me and mysterious looking and with strong opinions and a bit insecure but not to much and shy and funny and cute at the same time, yet emotional a lot of the time and full of stress towards the world and the future.

Clearly I can see within this how both characters are supporting each other and calling it “love” and how these two characters then support the continuation of the world and the fucked up state it is within, and because there is love, the two characters will not want to change the world because that will mean the love will have no more purpose and simply not be real anymore.

The character I played was depending on Girls getting fucked up in this world by men and the world system and just about everything and so they are in need of a savior and so that my savior character that is always in need of acceptance will need girls that gets fucked up by other men and the world can be needed and so support and accept and allow each others existence as Love. This is such abuse and not a solution for anything and only continuing the abuse in this world as long as such characters exist.

So yes, changing the world and stopping the characters go hand in hand because the characters are creation of the Abuse and destruction and Hate and all the evil in this world, so obviously the characters NEED the fucked up world to exist and as long as we call it love, we will never see this point and change the world to that which is best for all life.- 

Self Forgiveness Coming next – Stay Tuned.

Day 109 – Survival Characters Part 4 – Social Survivor.

I ended in the previous Blog Day 108 on where I saw how within self forgiveness how it is within parenting that the parents raise children/me in such a way that all we are taught is Fear and then how to run/hide from the fear, and through this we/I built characters that is specifically designed to always avoid/run/hide form the fear that is within, and how Love as the ultimate fear is what is sued to justify all fear.

I have come to see within myself how Love as fear can be presented – Lets say there is a Ball of red darkness mixed and it is a ball of fear, so now love is when you take paint and you paint rainbow colors over the ball and suddenly beliefs it is something different, but yet the harsh truth is, the ball of fear still remains a ball of fear you now just cant/don't want to see it as you have PAINted it with colors called love – it really only makes it look different.

So Now within the previous Blogs I can see I have gone on a bit of a ranting and raving on the points of the social survivor character as so many point opened up within it all, new points and I had to write them out.

So first things first – The social survivor character is/was created at Home, even before school and friends, because the first thing a kid learns is how to survive living with the parents, this is a obvious point.

When I look at it as a child I was born into this world, then suddenly within my learning environment with the teachers (parents) there was rules and do and don'ts and yes and no and there was all the things that was imposed onto me as a kid of which i Had no idea about.

For example – a parent will dress their baby/child a certain way to already Fit in with what is acceptable by society – where as the baby has no idea that such thing exist, the parents already force expectations from society onto the child to make sure the child fits in.

So here I see the problem is that I/children are literally raised as Social survivors without being consciously aware of it, as it is only made known through limited conversations and behaviors.

For example – when going to the mall the mother will dress the boy up in blue cloths because according to society a boy must wear blue and not pink, if the boy had to wear pink then the boy would not be accepted by society and be called names and seen as gay and not as a real boy and not taught and not as a real man – yet the boy is but only a bot and yet have no concept of what games the adults are playing, it is only made known through the behaviors and actions – and now here come the interesting part of why parents would do this. 

It is all because of FEAR – so the parents raise the child in complete fear and then call it LOVE, because the parents FEAR that the boy will be called names and not seen as a real boy or as gay or as not a tough boy if he had to wear pink, the say Because we love you we dress you in blue clothes so that you will not be abused by society. Yet the love is clearly only fear, and the fear isnt even necessarily always towards the child, it will be the parents own FEAR of not being seen as Good Parents, not raising their child to the expectations of society as dressing him in Blue.

And now the child grows up with this behavior and acceptance, because the child will see within others behaviors towards him with wearing blue that they are accepting him, being nice to him, playing with him, giving him attention etc, and so as the boy see/learn through the behavior he learns that it has to do with how he is dressed.

And bam there is one dimension of how the kid is now fucked into never being able to live freely as the boy will now always dress and built dressing characters to be accepted/loved by others, because obviously within the environmental behavior it was/is also seen how he will not be accepted and that people fear the opposite/polarity. 

So here we have one character of the social survivor characters of dressing nicely or according to what the community/society accepts. 

And this goes on, now as the boy have built this character it must be understood that this character is now a product of capitalism and dependent on how the world currently exist, so this character will enforce this abuse/behavior onto others. And as the character is built From love from the parents out of fear the child/boy will defend this character in the name of love – saying my parents did it because they love me, not because they feared for themselves and me, and so as the love as the fear in fact is defended the boy is in fact defending the current way the world exist as IN FEAR so that the LOVE that is justified can remain justified.

If the boy have to ever realize that he was taught to FEAR and then to Hide the fear with love just to be accepted in how he dresses and so create a world of fear that leads only to abuse and that there was in FACT a different way of life possible without fear and where a world can be created that is without fear, he would not have the love anymore or the fear, and the fear of losing love is the proof that love is fear and is that which man will always defend and the world can thus not change.

To Be Continued on Self Forgiveness...

Day 108 – Survival Characters Part 3 – Social Surviver.

So here I am still continuing on the How’s of how the social character comes into play as a continuation of Day 107 and Day 106.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into fear of not being accepted by a group/people and fitting in as not being “loved” to create a character that is acceptable by the others through actually imitating the others in behavior and characteristics of what is accepted by the group based on fear with the intention to be loved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that seeking approval and love from others is all based on fear, and thus in the name of fear of not being accepted and allowed I will accept and allow the abuse that is currently existent within this world as the characters that I created that is dependent on the fear to be loved even if it means being a bully or calling other kids names, and thus seeing and realizing that through this seeking for love out of fear of not being accepted and to Justify the world the way it exist now because my character is now dependent on the way the world exist and because I get love from the character I created I do not want to change the world out of the fear of losing my love that the character needs to be accepted to not have to face the fear and the world that is here as all the abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the way the world currently is/exist as for teh sake of being loved out of the fear of that if the world changes that I will lose the reasons/justifications/excuses for why I am loved as the characters that I built from the abused world and not to lose the characters out of fear of losing the love, realizing that the love is based on fear and that they both are one of the same and thus realize that I am using love to hide the fear that is always here as me as that which i have separated myself from, instead of facing myself as the fear and to not create a world that is based on fear where people hide behind love and so create more fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this behavior comes from childhood where parents teach their children fear and love the whole time, and thus when and as I grow up all I seek is fear and love to hide the fear, to run away from the fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the fear for not being accepted by others was taught to me by parents within their behavior, where they taught me what to fear and then how to act/behave and built characters to run away from the fer, never teaching me, showing me how to instead walk through the fear and to stop living in fear.

To be continued.