Day 115 – Being Skinny – the machine within Part 1

Ok so my “problem”, I cannot gain weight, so far not ever. 

This is bothering me a lot, since I am skinny and in need of some fat, Why?  Because my bones are literally sticking out at places such as my hip bones, this is really uncomfortable when I lay down, any way any position, when I lay on my stomach it feels like the bones are peeling through my skin, when I lay on my back it feels like my stomach is laying on my back bone and my hip bones are sticking out and uncomfortable.

I have made the skinny “problem” a big problem, I actually made it my mission to gain weight and to do this before I reach the middle ages because I do not want to look like a skinny boy all my life, never getting that “full body” look – interesting how I first talk about the physical problem but then it ends up being all about “looks” again – so is this uncomfortably really a physical point, or is it because I judge myself so much for being skinny that my mind is concentrated on it the WHOLE time and thus that is what causes the uncomfortablitity – (yes that is the reason).

I weigh 65kg and I am 22 and 1.77m high, this is according to “professionals” underweight and I agree. Even when I remove the Idea of how I must “look” physically according to pictures, the physical reality is I am under weight and my body is not gaining weight that is seen as healthy.

My skinniness can be a problem, if I get Ill I am fucked, I looks weight like it is nothing, I lost 9kg in 3 days the one time I was Ill. This is actually life threatening for when I do get Ill. My body basically has no back up supplies. 

I eat about 8 meals a day, three main course and lots of vegetables and sandwiches in between, people ask me – where the fuck does it go?

I did some research and it all comes back to me having a fast metabolism – so why do I have a fast metabolism? Why is my body burning food/energy as if there is a fire that needs to be kept alive in my stomach!

So I am now going to look at the point of why, because it is my body and I am aware of who I am and my behaviors and living patterns and through investigating myself and my life, I can see why I have designed myself to how I have lived in such a way that my body needs to burn energy constantly the whole time.

When I look at the whole metabolism point within myself and I have to spontaneously explain how I see it within myself as How I experience it, it will go as follow – I see my body as a steam train from back in the old days – where there is a fire in the train that is kept alive with coal, and the fire can only keep going as long as it is fed with coal, if the coal runs out the fire dies and the train stops, and I also see these metal objects that move up and down as the fire burn that keeps the wheels spinning, and this is the belief I see within myself where I have to keep the fire alive within myself to keep these scary heavy metals moving up and down to keep the wheels spinning to keep moving and to keep going forwards. 

Well there I have my answer – as I described the Picture idea/belief that I see within myself I can see where and how I am living my life as that.

So now I am looking at the belief that I have to always keep moving, I have to always be looking Alive” and moving forwards and that I have to keep strong within doing so, and I can see within living out such a belief I am burning myself up, I am depleting my body of energy to just do that all day every day, it is all coming from the Idea of having to please everyone, because if the train stands still everyone will moan and say stuff.

Here is another interesting point that I just now saw, why do I see it as a train – a train symbolizes an object that moves on tracks, a set path and that this object (train) carries lots of people or a delivery load – this is why I see it shows the symbolism of me believing I have to keep moving for others to keep moving in the fear of that if I stop moving others will stop moving because I belief I am responsible for dragging them and also keeping them going. 

No wonder I burn all my energy, living in such a way in the mind in following beliefs/ideas the whole time that isn’t even real, it is but an idea I have of myself.

So looking back at the point I mentioned of losing 9kg in 3 days I can see why I lost so much weight in such a short time, because While I was sick and could not move or do anything, basically feeling useless – I still kept my mind running, keeping burning the energy as I was in the fear of not moving, fear of not pleasing and fear of not being relevant.

I have red once that the mind uses 80% more energy than the body, so one will be more tired thinking all day them working all day.

Now I am doing both, working physically all day plus existing in my mind, burning all that energy, because if I move myself in and as an Idea/belief/judgment of myself then I am actually moving myself as a mind in the physical, thus I am at once burning twice the amount of physical energy from my body to sustain what I am doing – instead of living here as Breathe in and as the physical – NO MIND no thinking no feelings or emotions, those things takes Physical energy to sustain itself and to exist, and burns the physical energy into nothing, it is  wasting. 

So over all I am looking here at what is the belief of myself that I am imposing/trying to live out that takes all my energy, instead of living here in breathe as the physical.

Links for support
Self Honesty
Self Responsibility
Self Awareness steps for the Elite
Looking for more.

 

To be continued.