Day 112 – I can’t do Better Character.

Oh yes – This character is a real mind fuck. I have lived in this Character for so long within so many things, giving this character all the good justification to why I just can’t do Better, really I just can’t, look at it, I have tried everything, really, I can’t do better, Oh wait I am just making myself belief that and so within ALL my efforts I am literally sabotaging myself to not do better. 

Why would I sabotage myself to not really do better and to rather give into the easy way of not doing better – well there is my answer- to have it easy, to not have to be ABLE to take Responsibility – to develop the ability to respond, so I am within this wanting to only have things easy “reacting the whole time instead of responding.

And so within this reaction I am having the whole time backed up with all these awesome great excuses such as Back-chat conversations in my head and secret mind (thoughts) to why I am reacting and not doing better I am only reacting to what the real reason is that is hidden. 

Example.

I have to build a wooden desk – the task was given to me to build a wooden desk and I accepted it. I started working on the desk and a day or two later I was done. 

The desk looked like shit and the structure is shit and I felt I accomplished something. Then the judgment day arrived where others now will see what I made and obviously they will question what I did and why I did it the way I did it and so forth.

So as I await the judgment I have already BEFOREHAND while I was working on the desk and as I worked on the desk and as I SAW what I can do as making a awesome desk BUT instead I did not do it even as I saw it was possible because I saw that it would have required me to be more patient and do more work, so I ended up doing it the quick and easy way and that was easy. And while I saw and ignored the Better way, as the ability to response to what I see needs to be done and that is practical and best for all, I immediately created reasons and Justifications and excused in my mind within secret conversations within myself that I KNEW I was going to use when others see what I saw and that they will not hesitate to question my actions, and I will have all the ammunition ready (excuses/reasons/justifications) to why I did it the way I did it while I clearly know it is a fucking LIE. 

So I have done this hundreds of times and I have seen my ass many times and I always ended up with a bag that I carry around with me that is invisible filled with self HATRED and self diminishing characteristics as I always only sabotaged myself and compromised others.

And The best part is – a few years later which is last year and this year – I have made a decision within myself to do things properly and to not sabotage myself and to not compromise the group/environment within how I am using my ability to respond responsibly, and I have learned a couple of things.

The first thing I learned was when I made another few desks is that it is actually much easier to make but more time and to learn much more skills and how to use them to built a much better stronger bigger desk that last long and is stable and then having all these skills to apply everywhere else.

The second thing I told myself was – WHY THE FUCK DID I LIMIT MYSELF, the third thing was – How did I accept and allow such useless Limitations of myself and how the fuck did I convince myself they were so real that I myself believed I could not get past it and that my reasons and justifications were made to be so big I thoughts they were actual mountains and cannot be moved, here I am moving mountains everyday because it isn’t mountains once I stopped the Back-Chat and all the 

excuses/reasons/justifications and my Life actually is so much easier and I have less headaches and I am less tired, and I now know that all the other points in my life where I go “I cannot do better” was and is created by myself because of all the times I fucked around and made it so real as myself as a Character that I believed is me and that it is just who I am built out of thoughts/feelings/emotions and obviously from memories/past experiences.

And this was/is but only one point in relation to building desks.

There are much more, such as me reading, writing, speaking, making art, working on the internet, making money, doing jobs, making videos, studying, etc.

Next up – Self Forgiveness
stay tuned.

Day 78 – Self Sabotaging Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the character of I do not know, I can not see it, I have tried everything I can to see it to not have to look at what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself a character to use when I do not feel like seeing what is here and so that the character can play and scheme ways out of having to take self responsibility for what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage myself from seeing what is here through acting in character that I do not know, I can not see.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I myself have deliberately designed a character to play in situations in my daily life to not see what is here to deliberately trap myself so that I may never lose character and remain as a slave to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I myself have created the character of I can not see it, I do not know, I cant find it to not have to face what is here, thus implying that I do know what is here as I have to know what is here to not want to see that.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am aware of what is here yet I allow a character of me that I have deliberately created to take over and play its role of Illusions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as I am the characters that I can stop and breathe and see what is here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it hard for myself to see what is here and to work with what is here in self sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself as characters that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I all that I am is always here, and thus when I can not see what is here I must realize I have a character in play that is but an illusion.

I commit myself to when and as I see I am sabotaging myself to not see what is here to look at what character I am playing in the moment, to stop and breathe and to realize that the character is but an illusion of the mind and to stop the character.

I commit myself to when and as I see I am playing out a character to be slit and to breathe and stop, to look at myself and to realize that the character isnt real, to walk myself out of the character in real time as breathe, as breath is the only reliable source to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself to switch from one character to another instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to to see and realize that I have to stop the characters through breathing and walking out of them in real time, and to not switch characters within the belief that I have not changed, fooling myself.