Day 135 – Living Commitments – Day 7 of 21 – conversations with myself.

Day 7 of 21 – conversations with myself - It is a trans – it takes over without me even knowing it, when I realize it is to late – I am talking to myself in my head about really weird stuff – how a movie should have ended, what I would have done instead of... such random distractions within the mind. Literally the conversations of multiple characters, each character consist out of one opinion and each opinion has to have their say – yet it is only me talking to myself. Keeping me pre-occupied within my mind, a personal prison so that I may never see the light of day and what the fuck is really going on in this world.

how did I create such a prison for myself -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the “interesting” CONversations I have within my mind to such an extend that I actually created multiple characters each with a different opinion and view point, so that they may play a TV show in my mind about basically anything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this is a side effect/out-flow of when I was a child, and my parents would tell me to go sit somewhere and be quite, and to within such events where I was Suppressed and handled as being a “problem” for adults for just being here in this world, as I was always asked to sit still and be quite as the Adults are talking, and to within this find an escape within my mind, as a way to not to have to face the reality of things – where I now have created characters from each and every situation where this happened. and then where they talk to each other and give opinions to each other on the matter at hand and to entertain each other.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the Internal conversations I have created was/is a outflow of how I was raised, where as a child I was not allowed to talk back or stand up to my parents within their actions, or I would be smacked or yelled at, and through this I have created characters as my parents as voices in my head, where I now can within my mind talk back to them and say what I wanted to say just to give myself a sense of release from the anger/powerlessness I experienced as not having any free speech, and within and through this, I have created multiple characters for all characters in my physical reality within my mind where I entertain myself with these characters and say to them what I wanted to say, where I always WIN and feel good about it, seeking the opposite experience of what I actually experienced when it happened, and through this Never taking self responsibility for this reality as I always belief/believed I solved the problems in my head because I felt better, yet nothing substantial or physical ever changed and so the sins of the fathers continue of a society of oppression and suppression and where mental instability is created within the child and and does create mental disorders that has physical outbreaks and that is harming life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why/how I have created and accepted and allowed internal conversations as normal, realizing as I have never questioned this I have never seen the actual problem and thus only continued living the lie, where I “make Belief” in my mind that I am solving problems within having conversations with myself, yet physically not living anything, as I know that the conversations in my head is always only about me winning and me being right and thus not valid within the actual solution to actually talk about the points. Thus I realize the solution is to stop the internal conversations and to Breathe and to bring myself back to the physical reality with actual real physical communication to that I can see the actual real solutions as Myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift off into my mind into the secret internal conversations I have with myself. without even noticing myself slipping into the mind, only to discover myself in deep conversations with myself, where I - as a character talk to myself as another character so that I may always WIN, realizing that I have created this within myself because I know that if and when I have to physically communicate such points with others I will not always win and feel good, because I will receive actual real feed back – thus I see and realize that I have connected actual real physical feedback as a point to avoid/fear as I always only got punished in the past as a child, for speaking up or simply being a child making noise as a expression of sound and that it was made to be BAD and an annoyance and a interference with the adults life’s, and that I must instead keep my sounds/questions/common sense and conversations in my mind - where I am save and wont be abused, realizing that this also gave the perfect environment for evil to grow in secret as the conversations was only heard by me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the internal conversations/thoughts/secret-mind is an outflow of the parenting and the education and the environment that a child is brought up in, as it is not within support of life where all life is equal but within a society where the mind as Beliefs/opinions/ideas/judgments as the tree of Good and Evil rules over the physical as the tree of LIFE, and thus only create And manifest children through physical programming such as abuse/shouting/hitting and completely molding a child into a certain way the parents have of life. as their religions/cultures/beliefs/ideas/opinions etc - and to thus live in the mind. As reality was/is constricted by those that has gone before and thus limited and enslavement to the sins of the fathers.

To Be Continued...