Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 2

 

This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html

 

From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations. 

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control. 

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out. 

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security. 

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table. 

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself. 

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time. 

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time. 

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff. 

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do. 

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,  am somewhere else. 

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. 

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

To be continued.

Defending self to not change

When and as I see I have made a mistake, I commit myself to not go into defense of what I missed, or did not consider, but to instead take a breath, see the points, drop the energy that I within my body, my chest, and to relax, stop all words that want to come out of my mouth in a natural way, to instead look within, see who I am within this, and allow growth, expansion by admitting my miss take and to take it in and to make it part of my consideration. 

My weaknesses are exposed through others giving feedback, when I take it personal I know I must take breath, see and realize that I am facing a weakness, the defensive mechanism activating within me to want to TELL why and how I made the mistake, is defending the mistake, it is to justify the mistake, and so I cannot learn from the mistake, I will only keep on missing it, not taking it, not expanding and learning. 

When I react to others words and how I take them, I know it is MY interpretation of what their words are meaning, how I am taking them, how the words are hitting the notes within me, the notes that are already existent within me, I am an instrument, If I am not tuned in to SOUND, but rather tuned in to EGO as energy and personality, then words will activate the energy, the personality and the through my reactive behaviors I will play music accordingly, where I can play the SOUND of life as self-responsibility, or I can play the Sound of energy and characters where the words are swords, meant to get back, defend and not grow and expand. 

When and as I read or hear the words of another that is directed to me, that is meant for me, and I pick up a “feeling” that there is something else behind their words, such as frustrations, anger, annoyance or a certain energy that is sharp as to stab me, to then stop this “feeling” that Is a defensive mechanism of MY personality/Ego already having a military grade defense system build in that is already ready to attack, where the energy then possess my body and shakes my body to possess my words, where my reaction isn’t a direction as a direct action of me anymore, but rather fulled with energy as something else that now in return will have a sharp energy to stab the other person back with anger, frustration or annoyance, thus not standing as self-redirected principle as breath, but rather only existing as a limited organic robot with automatic responses enforcing an abusing cycle. 

When I react and find myself possessed within an energy of self-righteousness, I stop the words that are ready made, ready to just slip out and respond, I give to myself the moment, the breath, to swallow those words and to stop that energy through breathing, to then remove the personal, to embrace LIFE, where I am an instrument of LIFE, and the music as the words I play stand as SOUND and not energy, I remove the emotions and the personal, I look within and I calm my waters, the storm that has been stirred, I see and realize in the moment that this storm isn’t who I am, the lightning and thunder does not have to be the answer, I can instead tell the storm to remove itself, and what remains is me, here calm, standing, as the E-motions, the motion of energy is gone, and I remain as the motion of LIFE, so I speak words that is self-responsible as creator, not blamer, justifier or manipulator, I embrace change, that who I am as the energy ends and I can reborn myself within that moment as a new me, as the moment is here, the opportunity, and this I am grateful for, no matter how hard it can be or is, I embrace absolute self-responsibility and to change, as that is the way forward, living self-forgiveness to drop the ego, energy and be humble. 

Time manifested reactions. When I find within myself, that I have created a certain perspective, opinion about another Peron and what I believe their perception is of me, where I believe their perception of me is that of lesser, of inferior, of not capable, of not able, due to how I take their words, how I receive their words, how I FEEL their words. I allow myself to stop the stereo typing of another and how I FEEL them being towards me in relation to me within me, as I am the holder and beholder of the perception I have of them as to what perception they have of me, as every word, every action I take around or in relation to that person or persons will always be to try and defend my own perception of myself against their perception of me as what I perceive them to have a perception of me, and thus I always walk in defense and control, never allowing me to drop all perceptions, to drop all expectations and to actually breathe and live. 

THUS – I see and realize that I hold perception of others within my mind and who they are based on believes and assumptions of what perceptions they are holding of me, and so I am creating and manifesting these perceptions in reality, as my words and actions are a reaction to the perceptions and thus creating them, manifesting them, so when someone comes to me and says something to me, I already have a ready-made answer, reaction towards that person, as I believe their words and actions towards me is coming from the perception they have of me – which comes from the perception I have of them and what they have of me, so I react and act in ways that makes no sense to them, yet I feel I have to constantly defend myself, my perception of myself. I see this is a battle of illusions. 

When someone points out something about me, and I see myself reacting to the person pointing out the point to me, I stop and I breathe, as I realize and SEE that I am only reacting because of the believe I have of that person and what I believe their relationship is within themselves towards me, so I always find their words and actions as an attack towards me, because of hat I am holding within me as the STORY, where I have placed the CHARACTERS in my story as always being the bad guys and I am the good guy, and thus everyone is out to get me and I must fight this great battle to just make it through, to make it to the end of the story. 

When I fuck up, make a mistake and it is noticed by others, I commit myself to not make it personal as to what the responses will be, I see and realize that it is always about self-forgiveness and not others forgiving me, as I must change in fact to stop making the mistake, using shame and guild as a defensive mechanism will not change anything but accumulate a negative ball of energy that will manifest the same shit again, and so I see and realize that if confrontation occurs of a mistake or fuck up that I have created/made, that it can never be personal, as I can never actually in fact change by defending myself with others, by justifying myself, but to instead admit the mistake and take self-responsibility, and that It must be TRUE to me, self-honest that I will change, and not something based on how I am feeling by being confronted, by being pointed out a mistake I have made, or how the mistake has made others feel, or what their perception or idea is about me making the mistake, as such starting point for change isn’t valid and based on nothing more than energy that in due time disappears. I see that I must make the consequences REAL for myself, to not avoid them, to face them, to change and to stand up and know that I WILLED myself to change, by my directive principle and decisions to stand for LIFE as all life as who I am to be that which is best for all life.

Day 559 - Dealing with a lot of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with a lot of information and to keep my head together within looking at a lot of information and to consider all the points within looking at a lot of information and to not go into an emotional overload when and as I perceive information to be too much for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional “overload” within me as a feeling of I just can’t, it is too much for me to take in and to remember, to consider all the points and to remain in common sense and looking at things within practicality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within me when and as I am reading a lot of information within the emotional feeling of this is too much for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “this is too much for me” to exist within and as me as a self-limiting definition that I have placed upon myself through past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as separate from ALL information that exist here within and as all life and that thus Life is too much for me to take in and to understand what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that I am here as LIFE and thus all information that exist here Is me in fact and that I am not separate from it, and thus when I am introduced to new words and to new amounts of information that I am not simply forcing information into me as something that is separate from me that now takes a lot of space within me, but that I am simply re-activating what exist within and as me HERE already and thus I do not need to use memory as me more lies, but that I can in trusting myself be here and as myself be the information one and equal.

Memory
Being introduced to contracts for the first time in my life.

I was 18 years old, and I just got my first job, for this job I had to sign a contract, which meant me taking a contract home and reading everything and then eventually go back to work with this contract and then agree to it and sign it. but as I was sitting at home with this contract, knowing I have to first of all give up my “relaxing time” to go through it, which was quite a lot of pages, I resisted reading it, but I picked it up and I looked at the front [age and with reading everything on the front page I already had no clue what was being stated, I then went into the believe that if I read the second page it might make more sense, but it turned out to just confuse me even more, first of all I had no clue what the words meant, and secondly I could not place the words next to each other to attempt to see if that will explain the words and tell me something. But It didn’t. so I put the contact down and I just felt completely lost, only reading two pages. After a while I built up some courage to give it another try, and I started reading everything no matter how much I didn’t get or understood, and after I was done I had a head ache, my head felt violated, and I still had no clue, I could only assume things all the way.

I ended up not taking the job and just went to be a waiter, as that didn’t require for me to understand anything or to consider anything while I work. I defined myself as simple and more of a “practical” guy that works with my hands. This then became a life time of living in limitations, as I feared that same moment taking place and facing so much information and not being able to comprehend it and thus act on it accordingly, and thus fearing making mistakes and creating consequences that I have no idea how to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past events.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take one moment in time, from the past and how I experienced myself in that moment facing having to deal with a lot of information that was also unfamiliar to me in that moment and to place it onto all possible future events/play out and to live my life in such a way where I make decision where I can avoid having to face such events again just not to have to experience myself the same way I did in the past, and thus never giving myself the chance to grow and expand and to give my live more possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and make decision within my life where everything I do such as positions I take within my life requires the bare minimal from me where I simply have to use my body as a tool for labor and where reading and dealing with information is minimal, and thus never really taking responsibility for myself or this reality as I am and will always miss the necessary information through my deliberate character that I have created for myself and have identified myself with others to be of “lack” and not “able” to as a form of manipulation to not have to really give myself the ABILITY to respond in regards to what is here within this world as me and to change myself and the world one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place “information” out there as my authority, may it be a person speaking the information or books containing the information and thus within this make and give Authority to those books and People over me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the continuous resistance to exist within me throughout many years to a point where it has become normal and just an automatic behavior within me as who I am to live in avoidance naturally towards having to face information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the believe of “information” being more than me to become natural and normal within me to never challenge this point and to push beyond this point for me, for myself and to bring actual ral change to myself within this world.

Day 531 - My Son is my example

 

my son is my example. He is so amazing in giving his everything in all the things he do. The way he focus the way he is here completely present with the task at hand. Something as simple as him sitting by himself independently away from me by his own table. Climbing on and off and sitting as I do. I am not allowed to help yet I must be available. He tests this out over and over. Where "I", sit down.... without EVER!! considering how I got to sit at a table. But this is just one instance. While I might be thinking and wondering in the mind, my son is showing me that only through real time physical application and testing can development happen. And to be consistent till there is a result that is best and stick with it.

Day 472 - Anxiety before Interactions on topics

Why do I have anxiety just before I interact with another being, to be more specific, a stranger? And to be even more specific. When I am interacting with a stranger about a specific topic.

The answer is simple – now they self, and within this specific topic I can say that if one does not know oneself then there are some parts of self that one is leaving up to random events to direct, this direction will come from the input from others and what feelings/emotions/reaction the input is creating and then one will react on that – and this is the part of self that self-know about and that have an anxiety about it.

Why does this exist, yet again simple and direct, because if it is topic related and one is proclaiming a stance within the certain topic and one isn’t fully informed on the topic one is proclaiming a certain stance within, then one will always be anxious talking to others about it because it’s a defense mode, where one is already in the expectation of having to face self within a certain question that might come up and then not standing within and as the stance one is proclaiming within the certain topic.

If that isn’t simple and direct enough – here is another explanation – if you are a Christian or a Car sales man or a waiter or if you are whatever you claim and you are standing as such a point, But you have not investigated and researched and explored and red everything and anything you can about it and all that consists of it in self-honesty and common sense, then you will always be anxious before talking to a stranger on the topic at hand as you know you are standing as something but are not living it in fact as the facts.

This counts for anything in life – preaching and speaking does not mean anything, as long as there are anxiety it is revealing a pattern of self, the pattern is created specifically to avoid the areas in one’s life that one has not perfected yet, the anxiety is a mechanism that self has put into place to generate fear as to jump-start the pattern that has worked successfully as a COPING mechanism, if one is in fact living the certain topic at hand, no coping mechanism is required as it is who you are as a living example, in the facts.

So what have I come to do for myself – with everything I am currently participating within my life, where ever I see I am within anxiety – I stop myself and I realize I am not going into a pattern, I take a breather to look at the pattern and what it is – I find the point for why I created the specific pattern in the moment, I forgive myself and I correct myself, I do this till I see there is no more anxiety.

There are layers of this and one has to be patient and slowing down is a key.

So now I can take this a more recent event – I am a friend to many families, helping them within their lives with and giving families the opportunity of a life time, so I am in a family’s home, there is NO anxiety because I am one hundred percent certain of what I do as I have been doing it for a long time, not helping families, but what I am presenting to them I have used and done myself WAY before I ever entered a home, so I know I have lived it and I have seen the result and I am still living it, so I am not preaching, I am sharing I am giving them facts and result and I am enjoying it, but as I go on within helping the families, I will face one moment of anxiety, the anxiety might come just before finances are discussed.

This is already giving me an indication that I am falling into a pattern, the pattern is revealed through the anxiety being like a red light going off, showing a weakness within me.

My weakness is that ALL my life I have helped people in my life for free – with extreme points in other peoples live, never expecting anything, so I am not obviously a grown man with my own family, and now Like the system demands I have to have money, I took my passion for helping people into making it my LIFE, but now I have to ask for money in return because I need bread on the table and to take care of my family.

But my weakness if Feeling bad when I ask for money for my service and product, because in my heart I feel it must be for free, yet nothing in this world is for free, otherwise I would be a beggar with my family on the street helping no one.

Now I feel insecure about working with finances with a family within helping the family, and thus when It comes to the point of money I am anxious, as I know I am going to present the finance part as being a “dislike” and thus they will also dislike it and end up saying they LOVE it but will not take it.
Thus here I got anxious and communicated in anxiety to the people, and thus I fell into the same pattern and made the same mistake, because I am not yet LIVING the money part as me as being comfortable within me

Thus it’s a weakness of mine that I need to work on and make it strength for example. So how do I do this, as you can see the help I am presenting to the family I am way confident and comfortable with because I have in fact lived it and done it myself, before ever presenting it to anyone else, But the one part I have never done before is still the anxiety part, a weakness, I have not yet lived it and expressed it as me as fact as the other part.

And how do I get to doing it, through ding it, and making mistakes as soon as possible so that I can find my point of expression and live it, fearing making the mistakes to learn is a waste of time, because the mistake will bring forth what one needs to learn and learn it and then LIVE it. Become one with it. But the anxiety will make one run and hide from making such simple decisions of doing/living and learning and correcting and thus perfecting.