Day 531 - My Son is my example

 

my son is my example. He is so amazing in giving his everything in all the things he do. The way he focus the way he is here completely present with the task at hand. Something as simple as him sitting by himself independently away from me by his own table. Climbing on and off and sitting as I do. I am not allowed to help yet I must be available. He tests this out over and over. Where "I", sit down.... without EVER!! considering how I got to sit at a table. But this is just one instance. While I might be thinking and wondering in the mind, my son is showing me that only through real time physical application and testing can development happen. And to be consistent till there is a result that is best and stick with it.

Day 423 - Father to Be Part 3 commitments

Continueing from Day 422 - Father and my Baby Part 2

When and as I see that I am anticipating the birth date of my baby, I stop, I breathe and I focus here on the moment, as I see and realize that anticipation practically has no purpose but to make me jumpy and stressful and thus influencing my actions/words and thoughts which then has an equal and one influence on everything I do in the meantime and thus when the moment comes when it comes I will not be effective or direct within the situation, seeing and realizing that what’s best for all and thus me Is to breathe and let go of any and all experiences as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I commit myself to remain practical, within giving myself a practical script to stand and live by when and as the moment arrives that the baby is ready to come, and to script this practical moment within common sense and to then let go of the Idea/Belief/opinions about the moment in the future as a projection and to bring my focus back here.

When and as I see that I am resisting to say “my baby” I stop and I breathe and I let go of the energy as a negative experience as my own self judgment to saying those words and I breathe and say the words My baby within the starting point of remaining practical as the words are simply referring to my baby, the being that I am responsible for, and thus not possess as I made it up in my mind.

When and as I see that I am finding it unbelievable that I have a baby – I stop, I breathe – seeing and realizing that it isn’t a matter of belief or changing my belief about the facts in my head of me having a baby, as facts are facts and thus I must bring myself out of Belief as the mind and BREATH and be here within and as the Physical, focusing on what is here as the physical as me here with a baby.

When and as I see that I am participating within my mind within a belief of me being a father – I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself for making it a matter of belief instead of seeing that it’s a matter of fact and that’s what matters.

Thus committing myself to write and explore the moment where I am within a belief of myself of being a father and why and how I have created the belief and why I am participating within such limitation instead of breathing and being here as the living principle of what’s best for all life.

When and as I see that I am engaging within a system of beliefs within myself of myself or from the world as to what it means or must mean to be a father – I stop, I breathe – seeing and realizing that what the system or what I have been taught about what a father must be and that has formed my belief/disbelief of myself about becoming a father isn’t effective or best for all life, as this system Belief of what a father must be has never produced children that becomes the adults that produces the world as it is currently as a world that Is heaven on earth not what’s best for all life, and thus making this belief of what a father must be according to the system that many are attempting to live up to Void and invalid and must be forgiven and a new way of fatherhood must be given as a solution to what’s best for all life.

When and as I see that I am within the fear of being a bad father – I stop, I breathe and I focus on what is here as physical reality and how to direct the physical reality to that which is best for all life within the guiding principles of Love thy neighbor as thy self and do onto another as you would like to be done onto, instead of blindly following a system of good and bad which produces a system of good and bad instead of equality and oneness that is best for all Life.

Day 422 – Father and My Baby Part 2

continuing from Day 421 - Father to be SOON Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Anticipate the date of Birth for my Baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist saying my baby, seeing and realizing that I have a judgment towards saying my baby as a possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative experience to the word possession and to add the word possession to the sentence “my baby” – seeing and realizing that it is My baby as I am responsible for the baby and eventually raising the baby to become a Adult that will be his own being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it funny to say the words “my Baby”, seeing and realizing that saying the words “my baby” and finding it funny is because of the belief I have created for myself as a teenager where I saw that I would only have a baby at a much older age and now that I have a baby at this younger age it is unbelievable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it “unbelievable” that I am going to be a father and have a baby – seeing and realizing that I only find it unbelievable because of a Belief that I have created about myself in my mind in relation to being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Belief of myself that I am unable to be a father and now that the point is here with me being a father and having a baby I stand within the point of disbelief of my own self-created belief, seeing and realizing that all beliefs must be deleted and that I must focus on what is here, no matter what the belief is that I have about myself – I stop and I breathe, I focus on reality and common sense and practicality within walking and living and breathing the principle of what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Belief of myself in relation to being a father and to within this in opposite create disbelief within myself as well within being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that I will not be a good father, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be a father is a Good/bad relationship, seeing and realizing that being a father within its natural definition of the word is simply a reference to a man/being who has created a baby/child/being with another and thus is responsible for this being/child/baby till the baby/child/being stands on its own and lives his/her own life within the principles and teaching that the father has passed on through being a Living example of what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate the word Father and what it must mean within the eyes of others, instead of keeping it simple and real within what’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as being a father – seeing and realizing that this judgment is the Judgment that I have placed onto others who has been father or become fathers and within my secret mind, and now that I am to be a father the Judgment is placed upon myself, as I have done onto another I am doing onto myself.

to be continued. 

Day 421 – SOON to be a Father - Part 1

 

2 - 4 weeks to go...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create pre occupational ideas/beliefs of what it might be being a father to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that what my relationship was as a child towards my father was right or wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my child hood with my father/mother relationship as good or bad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at my childhood and see what is practical and what is not, what is best for all life and what isn’t and to accordingly use within common sense what’s best for all within raising my child, to learn from the past and to change, and to not run away or hide or resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to use my childhood within raising my child, seeing and realizing that this is simply repeating the past and creating a copy of my past onto the child’s life, instead of breathing and LIVING here within common sense and practicality so that my child can live his life and not my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access past memories/experiences of my childhood and project it within my child future as a point of FEAR, seeing and realizing how I not have already predetermined my relationship with my child as a projected memory where I already see how I will instead live or do things that is in avoidance to what I have experienced or seen or done in the past, seeing and realizing that this is exactly what my parents did and their parents and yet it never works as this is how the sins of the fathers work, as its creating separation instead of understanding and thus self-forgiveness and correction within what’s best for all life as the living principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow down and check myself in each moment and what is here moving within me, so that I can see if I am clear and moving in breathe in the present as Life or am I moving as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions as the baggage of the past and thus smudging the past and tainting the future with the past and thus recreating the past instead of moving forward.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that where there is fear there is where I am making the mistake of moving, instead of breathing and self-forgiving the fear and moving in clarity as breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that fear is the past made bigger and more then what the past was and then placing that in the present moment as a total delusion of reality when in fact it’s NOT so/here and what is here is completely simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that my past as my thoughts/feelings/emotions that comes from memories that comes from moments that I created experiences within myself within certain moments and that I have defined myself as those moments/experiences/memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions has any value or anything valid within them as to how to raise my child and what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply trust myself as the physical as common sense and practicality as living what’s best for all life in each moment within my integrity as Who I AM, and to trust me as the Physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that any thoughts/feelings/emotions within me of the mind as memories has any value to them as what has been done to me by those that has gone before me within placing value in the past as memories through stories that has been told within raising me, and that this is valuable within raising my child, seeing and realizing that within such teachings one is only teaching the child how to chain oneself to the past and to live in the past instead of being present and breathing here.

To be continued.

Next on more specific points and SCS.

Father to be, self-commitments - Day 333 Part 7

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329
Day 330
Day 331
Day 332

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am following in the footsteps of fear within raising my child to Stop, to sit down and to write and to stop the mind energies from and as memories/thoughts of the past that I have created within my childhood, and to within the writing to find the common sense, the common ground which isn’t based on fear but that is within the best interest of all which is to find practical ways of living/teaching and being an example for the child which does not require fear but common sense and self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am projecting fears for my child onto my child to stop, to breathe and to see that fear is of the mind and thus created within the mind as energy and that the fear as the mind isn’t necessary at all, but that the practicality and common sense within this world is what is required to live here and to see what is here and to stand one and equal to what is here and to within that change what is here to that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am living in my mind as ideas/believes/opinions within and from my mind while raising my child, to stop and to breathe, to take a breathe and to see what I am doing, what I am accepting and allowing, and what I am creating as the consequential outflow of my actions/behaviors that is driven from and as the mind as energy from a place which isn’t real, and to stop and to see the obvious common sense way to go instead, and to walk that, as it is best for all life and ultimately best for the child.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am competing to be the best father, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that I am not here to be the best father within and as the win and lose construct created by society, but that I am here to be the best father within educating my child within that which matters and so that my child can develop him/herself effectively and to be the best they can be within that which is best for all life, as this life is my child’s life and that what is best for all life is always what matters.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within ideas/believes/opinions of what a father is supposed to be within the ideas/believes/opinions of and from society created as limitations and boarders to fit in with society, to stop and to breathe and to focus on actual physical living and participations that is real and applicable anywhere whether one is a father or not, and to follow the common sense and how the physical works.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressing about being here for my child when and as I am at work most of the tie to stop and to breathe, seeing and realizing that this is what one has to do currently within this world to survive, and that it is unavoidable , YET the time I do spend with my child will be the time that counts, and to not accept and allow any Mind bullshit and mindfuck’s to prevent and stop me from using the time I do have with my child to use it effectively and what is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am worried that I will not be here for my child to be a effective father, as tie is limited, to stop and to breathe and to realize that the mind will want to compromise the time I do have to spend with my child if I exist within self-interest, seeing and realizing that within self-interest I will use the time that I do have to do nothing, but if I use the time I do have within what’s best for all life then I will do so spending it with what matters, such as my child that will be the future human/adult that will run this world with the many others future adults/humans and thus it is of the utmost important to make sure the future is secure for all Life within starting where it matters, when the child is a child.

I commit myself to when and as I go into doubt within myself about what is best for all life an what is not, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that only the mind can and will doubt what is best for all life as the mind is based on energy and self-interest as the mind is rooted within only self and thus consist of only one selves shit, and thus the obvious common sense is that what is best for all life is what is for all life and that is here for all life equally, which is the physical reality that we all share equal and one, which is life and that when I doubt, to stop the doubt the mind and to bring myself back to breathing within and as the physical and focus on what is real and here that I can see with my real eyes.

Father to be – Day 332 Part 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take fatherhood for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what fathers really go thought within the current way of the world to be fathers, as the system is designed to not support LIFE but only to consume the time for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the current way of life that the human has created for himself and all life isn’t a system that supports Life and only money, and that being a father can be so much more then what it currently exist as, where fathers/mothers can actually be there for their children and enjoy the child and have the environment that supports development effectively for ll.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father within the current system/world that has been created and is still accepted and allowed to exist by the humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the human conditions that the human has created for himself to exist within in this world such as needing money to be able to eat/drink and have a home, and that it is a survival game instead of a existence that is free of fear and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child coming into this world, seeing and realizing that the main fear is what if my child end up with no money, no food, no home, no water, no safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Wish only that my child has money so that my child can buy safety and a live, seeing and realizing that this is and will and can never be a solution, as everything else around my child will still be fucked and remain a danger, and thus it is to change the entire system, that supports all equally and not just my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child and the future of my child that is to come on this planet due to human existence here and what we are creating and no sign of change is near in sight.

Ok this is where I am ending the self-forgiveness on these points for now, next I will be doing the self-commitments on the points.

Father to be - a new way Day 331 Part 5

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329
Day 330


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fatherhood is a competition for who can be the best father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fatherhood about competition, seeing and realizing from my own life and experience that competition only rushed me and never gave me the chance to develop anything properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that competition within fatherhood is but a root of fear and thus only teaching a child fear, instead of how to properly effectively develop something/skills/abilities without it being a competition for a prize as the prize is only momentarily where as the result is forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a loser as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with other fathers to be the best father that I will lose and the other fathers and their kids will win, be more than me and my kid, seeing and realizing that this is a self-interest fear and not what’s bets for all life as it is about how I will feel and not about how the physical work in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with how I raise my child that my child will fall behind within how skillful/intelligent/able my child is, seeing and realizing that this is and has always been only my own fears and what I have faced all my life and thus not my child’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already as a father to be project my apparent disabilities that I make myself believe that I have my child’s and to within this want to prevent my child from having these apparent disabilities through acting in fear and within competition, seeing and realizing that I can instead utilize what I have fucked up within myself and see how I did this and how I created it and to within this learn from myself and to give the insight/understanding to my child so that he/she can accordingly make common sense self-honest decisions on the points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate within the competition construct within this world with my child as being the father that I will be a failure as a father within the eyes of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my child will be born without fear/without thoughts or memories and that what I give is what will be received and thus if and when I fear and I project that fear and live it physically within this world I will teach my child fear instead of prevention and so create what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being accountable, seeing and realizing that I fear this because I know I will be held accountable for all outflow and consequences within and as my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself within others that has already been fathers to see if I am ready or not, seeing and realizing that I am ready, I just don’t what to be a father like everyone else as it is quite scary what fathers are currently and that it is accepted as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comparison to imprint fear within me through taking what I see with my eyes from other fathers and making it a valid way of being a father and then fear within myself to having to be like that to be a father, seeing and realizing that I do not have to be like any of the fathers within this world to be a father as I am redefining father for myself to that which is best for all life and to bring about a new way of life for all life.

To be continued.

Father to be - Preparing the way Day 330 Part 4

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in what I see and observe from within my environment within other humans words and behaviors and what they say/do as all being facts and ways of life, and that what I see and learn and hear must be what I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what fathers/mothers live and how they raise their children is something that they have learned from a book, seeing and realizing now that I am full grown that there never was a book and it all was simply done from guessing and from those that has gone before them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the scam in my own head that parents and my parents that raised me was qualified first before their had me to be able to raise me, seeing and realizing that I was raised within hope/belief/luck/faith, instead of actual direction and principals that is concrete with concrete results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a father is someone that has been trained to be a father, and that within everything a father teaches and do and show and tells me was/is always right and the way, seeing and realizing now that I am almost a father and that it was only an idea/expectation I had within my mind of and from the believe I have created about fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being pre-pared to be a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the expectations of a father within the idea of what a father must be within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST divine myself as a father within societies idea of a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into what society wants and needs of me to be an acceptable father, seeing and realizing that the father idea and what is being lived within the current society isn’t what is best for all life as the evidence is within society as the world the humans have created and still accept and allow through the sins of the fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-confidence within myself to be a father to my child equal and one with how I would/can be a father to all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as myself as life identified as a father within society and still to stand as myself within this identity and to not give into society itself and to raise my child within what is best for all life, as common sense/self-honesty/practicality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear society and the expectations of society and what happens as reactions within society when and as those expectations that define a father isn’t met, but instead a new way, a way that is best for all life. For instance no religion/tradition/culture etc, but a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is a wrong way of teaching, seeing and realizing that it isn’t about wrong or right, but to teach what is best for all life, as I see and realize that what is right and wrong within society is currently extremely sickening and abusive and thus not best for all to teach my child the rights and wrongs of society to accept and allow, but to instead teach the problems and the solutions as what’s best for all life, to teach common sense and self-honesty where the child will be given tools to have perspectives and insight and to determine through that self honestly what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only wish to teach my child the right way – seeing and realizing that there is no right or wrong way, but only what is best for all life as I see and realize that what is right and wrong within society is currently extremely sickening and abusive and thus not best for all to teach my child the rights and wrongs of society to accept and allow, but to instead teach the problems and the solutions as what’s best for all life, to teach common sense and self-honesty where the child will be given tools to have perspectives and insight and to determine through that self honestly what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my child to the bullshit existing within this world that corrupts the children of today, seeing and realizing that if and as I teach my child effective common sense and giving my child to opportunities to develop self-honesty that there is not need for me to fear that or to keep my child from it, as he/she will have the tools to determine what’s BS and what’s not and to make his/her own decisions based on what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad father within teaching and being an example, seeing and realizing that it is simply a fear of the mind and thus not real, I must trust myself within and as the physical here breathing and focusing on what’s real as always.

To be continued.

Father to be – Define Father Self forgiveness Day 329

Father to Be - Define Father Day  327
Father to Be - Define Father Day  328

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the Idea of being a father and that I must then be the one to discipline them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a father must be the one to teach a child how to be disciplined through physically disciplining the child, seeing and realizing that it is to show discipline, and to give a definition to the child of what discipline is and so that the child can live that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being a father to having to be the scary one that must be the “bad cop” when self-responsibility wasn’t taken or abuse took place, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to be scary as being the father figure, but that It is me as a being taking responsibility for my creation to align whatever went wrong within oneness and equality as that what is best for all through giving the child consequential outflows of what could happen within their actions to give and teach the child self-responsibility within understanding of their actions, and so when the self-responsibility wasn’t taken and “discipline” is required to give the child physical consequences one and equal so that they can learn and see that everything we do have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a father must hit his children to be able to teach the child discipline, seeing and realizing that having to teach the child through physical discipline is already a sign that me as a father wasn’t disciplined within teaching my child and thus it is me that has to be held accountable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that physical discipline onto and towards a child is the manifestation of avoiding taking real responsibility as the father as the child can only do what he/she is taught or have seen from those as the examples..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father that is feared, seeing and realizing that this can only be real if and when I am acting and living in fear and reactions instead of breathing and directing the physical one and equal as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hope” to be a father that the child wants to be with and “love” seeing and realizing that it is for my own self interest and not what is best for all life, as a relationship such as that will only be a enslavement of the child to me for my own happiness and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse enjoyment with love, seeing and realizing that love is a energetic connection based on feelings/emotions that becomes dependent on each other as the polarities require each other and thus creating a cycle of enslavement, where as enjoyment is a physical doing such as swinging someone or picking them up or just being with them or even when just being in each other’s presence which can be applied to all life equally as it requires no energy but only physical relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as the father I must be a serious person to be able to be a good father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a serious father is a stable father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a serious father is a strong father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a happy father is a cool father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a father that has two sides is a real father, when the father is able to have fun but also a serious side that can come up, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to live a specific character around the father to be a father but to be a living being that is here sharing and teaching and not pretending but to be real within self-honesty/common sense and living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as certain specific characters in front of my child that I believe will show my child weakness or instability and to within this already want to create fake characters to hide the other characters, seeing and realizing that this is only teaching the child how to hide and how to not face oneself and to always have to look a certain way, instead of facing what is here as the characters and removing the characters which then do not require more characters to hide it as one has forgiven self and moving forward.

Facing The Sins of the Father to Be – Define Father Part 3 Day 328

 From Day 325 Part 1 - father to be Define father

exploratory writing.

So I have defined being a father as being an example, what the father does, the actions of the father, is the father teaching me this or that or isn’t he, I have defined father as what they do determines who they are, but it is who they are that determines what they do, and as my dad was working day in and day out to provide, it shows that who my father was, was caring and willing to give up his family to have a family, so that I could have toys and savings and food and water and cloths and all that, so my judgment as a kid was completely disordered and based on self-interest instead of common sense and what happening in reality – people need money.

Who I am determines what I do – who you are determines what you do, so to be an example for a child isn’t to be a constant doing parent to show the child who you are as a parent, so that they can learn from that, it is to be an example of who you are at ALL times to teach/live/show a principal, a principal that who you are determines what you do, this empowers the child to create who they are and thus what they do. The principal of what is best for all life in all ways. Love thy neighbor as they self, do onto another as you would like to be done onto.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being a bad example for my child, through all the good and bad judgments I have made about fathers in my child years and to within this have defined what bad/good fathers are based on my fears that I have created based on the impressions I got from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that the words I use/speak in moments of unawareness of from and as reactions will damage my child and that I will thus be a bad father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to do enough things for/with my child to show my child who I am,, seeing and realizing that it is a excuse and a justification as who I am determines what I do and thus for example coming home when it is dark can only be a excuse if I am defining who I am based on what I do, but when who I am determines what I do I am constantly in all moments doing something to be a example as what’s best for all life and so for my child one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear not being a good father through the words I use/speak and how I use them, seeing and realizing that this fear currently exists because of self-judgments I have of myself from actual physical experiences I have had/have where I react or speak in moments of not breathing and being aware and knowing that they do have consequences and thus fearing that I will thus face the consequences within my child and what he/she learned from my words and the actions within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will teach my child the wrong definitions of words through what I speak and what my actions show for what I speak, thus seeing and realizing that I have to re-define the words I am living so that the words I use is one and equal to what I am living and not creating bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child the energies that I have connected to words from my own personal experiences within me through using the words with the energy connections towards my child or within the environment the child is within and that the child will thus take my personal energy signatures that I have connected within words as experiences and make it his, seeing and realizing that I have to take responsibility for myself within the words I use and what’s behind them through breathing and placing a guard in front of my mouth till I am clear and only speak when the words are physical and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my child up with the same shit that I know I have within me that I am aware of and have been aware of for years, that I haven’t yet taken self-responsibility for, thus I see and realize that because I haven’t taken self-responsibility for what exist within me that I know is in me deliberately not taking self-responsibility and that I have till now still continued within participating within the shit that exist within me that I have left it to influence my world and myself, and only now that I am about to be a father do I actually realize the consequences of not taking full self-responsibility for what I experience within me and that it is infectious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now want to take self-responsibility once my own self-interest is at risk, where I will have a child and that I have to help in raising the child and that within me raising the child I will face the consequences of who I have accepted and allowed myself to remain to be to be taught to my child and that my child will become and reflect that back to me and so the sins of the fathers will be given to the children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child to react to people whenever they ask of him/her to do something as that is what I am still accepting and allowing to exist within and as me and thus if I do not take self-responsibility and change who I am within that point then that is what I will create within my child, that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will teach my child to not want to read and learn new things, because that is what I am still existing as within and as who I am and thus as I am still a living example of that to myself then I can but only be that to my child as a example and thus I see and I realize that I have to take self-responsibility for who I am within this point and change to that which is best for all life as an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child how to have only excuses for not taking self-responsibility, as I see that I am still existing as excuses within not taking full self-responsibility within my daily living and only creating excuses and thus as that is what I am accepting and allowing to exist within and as me as who I am then all I can teach my child is but from me as who I am and thus creating my exact fear, because no matter how much I speak and say things, if I am not that example it will not be real but only be empty words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that I will not be home enough to teach my child the skills I have and that is awesome skills as I will be at work most of the day till it is dark already and that my child will not have that part of me as an example to learn from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that Who I am determines what I do and thus I see and realize that within this basic simple example, I do not need to be home all the time to teach things as to what I can do to show who I am, but that who I am will be a teaching within itself, as I will and can be the example for my child that who you are determines what you do which means that my child will not need me to show him/her stuff because they will develop themselves as who they are and through that they will determine what they do.

I am exploring all the corners here within self-forgiveness and my perspective is expanding and I am seeing within my writing where I am still blind or even making excuses/justifications and so forth.

To be Continued.

Father to be - Define father Day 327 Part 2

Continuing from Define Father Day 325 part 1

To be clear, these blogs about fatherhood and looking into my past isn’t to define what is a bad father or a good father, it is to look at where does the father construct in me come from, it is to learn and see those that has gone before me so that I can see myself and what I have learned. This is not about my father, or other fathers, it’s about me and my inner process and to change that.
Continuing from my previous blog on this topic, I am now going to take a look at when I was still a kid and I had friends and how their fathers sounded like through how the kids talked about their fathers and what their fathers is in comparison to how my father was,,,, as this created a lot of new definitions that I connected to what a father must be or can be or should be.

I remember in school as a young child kids used to come from the weekends and they would share with the other kids what they did, and a lot of the stories would be what the boys did with their fathers, this would be activities like camping and fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boat rides and all the things that dads would do with their sons, like teaching their kids what and how to do things, and usually my weekend stories would out using barbeque or just being at home or me walking in the streets and exploring the town I lived in by myself.

Through this interactions I felt that I was missing out on a lot, i did not get any of that from my dad every weekend, we went camping, but once a year maybe, and the other activities like fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boats never happened, we did not have all those things to start off with in the first place, this in general made me feel less than the others, like I was less skilled and less of a Man, inferior if you will.

I remember saving up money that I got every month that wasn’t a lot, to go and buy myself fishing equipment, because I wanted to see what it is to fish and how it is done, I knew so little about fishing that I saved up very little money, I had just enough to buy a roll of fishing line and a hook and sinker, I went to the shop with my dad, because I asked him and thought this is how it is supposed to be, me and my dad getting fishing stuff, it ended up with my dad staying in the car and me going into the shop and buying what I thought I needed, I got the stuff and I once again thought it was good, my dadjust asked if I got everything, your line and hook, I said yes, and he said ok so now you must just go and see if you can catch a fish, I then took my fishing equipment one weekend to the dam that was but a hundred meters away from our house at the harbor, I put the hook on the like and the I put it in the water, I sat there for at least an hour and said to myself it isn’t really working and quite, never went back.

I learned how to ride bike from my dad and my grandfather, and I learned how to swim from my father and other family members, but I can say within those basic lines my dad helped a lot.

Overall the point I am exposing within these writings are what I have seen and defined as to what a father must be, and it isn’t a fact, it isn’t something written in a book somewhere of what a father must be, this all comes from observations and from interactions within my world.
My father was a good father in terms of what one knows about being a father the way I learned, we all learn from those that has gone before us. My Life was easy and nice and wonderful, if I compare it to what other people have/had in this world.
Is it the right way? Is it the wrong way? No it isn’t, there is no right or wrong, there is doing what’s best for all life, raising a child must be raising a human being to live what’s best for all life, and that means that the child must be all the child can be. And this is where the Mother/Father roles come in, to be the example. A living example.
Back to the topic, what I noticed here as well is, I never saw as a kid the awesome skills I learned from being on my own, from hanging out with myself a lot and keeping myself occupied and learning about things by myself, how to be creative and how to not have fear. How to stand on my own and how to be responsible for myself to a certain point though.
So my dad did teach me through not teaching me all the things other dad’s apparently taught their children, I say apparently because I don’t know for fact, it was always just hear/told from and by the other kids.
So now fatherhood becomes a comparison, a competition, can I be the best dad, a better dad, will my child be all knowing and strong and independent and knowing how to do all these things, and this is what I can see I created through all the observations, because through the observations I create fears within myself and within that I have already made decisions on how I am going to raise my child one day or not, according to my fear, which is not best for all.
To be continued.

Father to be- Define Father - Day 325 Part 1

I realized after the self-forgiveness that I am writing in circles because I haven’t written out my actual experience in relation to becoming a father, and what my reaction are towards the word father and why.

I am going to write all of that out tonight and then continue on the self-forgiveness then as it will be more specific and not just based on floating information but constructive.

Currently I am not yet realizing the facts YET about what it means to be a father, I still only have Ideas and beliefs and definitions from my past of what it should be, or what it is supposed to be to be a father.

I have all these fears and definitions but it is useless writing them out if I cannot see how I have created them and where they come from and why I made them.

The first impression I had from what it means to be a father is obviously from my own father, the person I was raised to call father, and what I learned and how I have defined father and being a father was from my own father's actions and secondly his words, I connected action to the words that was used, it is how i remember how I defined them, not using words to define actions, that is impossible actually lol. You can’t hear a word and live it, there must be an example first.

here is my first definition of what a father is supposed to be, an Example for the child, An example is a living thing, a action, it is what one show to another what you have and are living and why/how/when/where/who/what etc. from my memories and what i can recall from my father and how he was as a example, he wasn’t really much around for us, so my definition from my father of father is where the father isn’t really around much, the father does not play a big role in raising the child, the father is out and working and bringing money into the home for us to be able to be raised and have a home and all those things, I only saw my father late at nights, and usually when he comes home I did not see him, I was either sleeping or playing with my brothers, this was during the week.

Part of the definition is that the father must obey the mother's words and that the father will always obey what is asked from the mother, this part comes in where my mom used to threaten us with my father and for when he comes home, so I have defined part of being a father as being the scary one, the one that must discipline and hit the children when it is asked of the mother, I have also defined father as being the person you fear, the person you don’t want to come home, the person that is consequences, the person that makes everything serious.

I see it like this, my father was never home but when he was home it was like a stranger that now suddenly has to punish you for what your mother asked of him.

I remember when I used to get saw of hurt myself that I would only call for my mom, even when my father was right there and ready to help, I would run past him or scream past him for my mother.

Here I can see fears coming to surface as i write the fear of being in my father’s position, not by choice but because of work and all the physical things that is taking place that forms such relationships.

I fear not being there for my child and that all I will be seen as will be a unpleasant experience, a fear, a consequence, a hurt, a stranger, and that my child will forget about me and not even know me till much later when the child is older and have been brainwashed to understand what a father is (the person who’s sperm created you with the mothers egg).

My father was busy all the time at work, I knew who he was as a symbol, not as a being, I know he smiled and looked tired all the time and just wanted piece and quite when he came home, I know he was in arguments with my mom quite a lot, My dad was always the one that had to only hear what happened during the day while my mother was taking care of the three of us (boys) and how my mother would tell my dad what we did and how we must be discipline and punished, and how my father would defend us and not really want to punish us, but my mother always won for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad as it might sound, what I mean is - the words being used that people have defined as evil and criminal and abusive such as “punish” – “discipline” – “screaming”. It was quite okay, but yet the example was all the things I observed from my father’s actions/words and what a father is then, and my mother, but I am focusing on the father point.

From this I have learned that mothers are always right and fathers are always wrong, fathers must keep the mother happy or there is hell on earth, fathers must work all day and come home and listen to the mother even though the father really does not care lol.

I have learned by example that the father is the good guy in being the bad buy, like a weapon, you fear it because of the fact it can be used as a weapon by somone else, and all the actions from the father is forced by the mother and that the father does not really want to do it, but has to.

The mother will have peace if the children are crying after punishment from the father. I started seeing more and more of my father as I grew up, as I was able to go to bed later and later and have more time during the day to do stuff, well night.

This is where I also started having more fun with my dad in weekends and having talks with my dad and sitting with my dad outside and just wonder about the universe, and how he would play music and smoke or read a book most of the time.

My dad started sharing with me more and more stuff, mostly about what he has red and his philosophies and theories and politics and so forth, I never really understood it, but that is what I got from my father, a father must be knowledgeable. A father must be reading a lot and be quite and be stable and be able to talk and be open about any conversation and even be inviting to expand on what to talk about and how to see the world and everything. I observed that my father was always very clean and neat, he kept his stuff always on a certain spot where he knew he would find it, he would be very organized and have routines, it worked for him and he stick to them, my dad also had a dancing side, he would listen rock and roll music and dance around a bit, well move his body and just enjoy the music. my father was able to cook and clean and he was very loose on raising us, he basically allowed us to do what we want with certain conditions that was purely precautions, after having talks with my mother first lol, he did not like to go out much, every now and again he would like to go to a movie, but mostly my dad was on saving money and not spending it on stuff that does not really matter but is purely for pleasure, although as a father that must be given to the mother to have a happy life lol – from this I can see I have defined this as being responsible.

To be continued. .

Day 324 – The Word father and Me Part 1

Father, or in Afrikaans it is Fader. I used to call my Father Dad or as it is in Afrikaans Pa. now I am soon to be a Father/dad and I am reacting to the word Father, as being called father. Reacting is either a Positive or a negative. So I will look at both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word Father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative energetic emotion to the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a Positive energetic feeling to the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word father in relation to me through connecting a negatively charged energetic emotion within and as the world in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word father in relation to me through connecting a positively charged energetic feeling within and as the word in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to other people calling me father.
Ok so now that was focused just on the word father. Now I am going to go into my relationship towards the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear the word father to react within and as a negative energetic experience of myself as not being capable of being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative Idea/perception of the word father to being responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being incapable of being a responsible father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create Ideas and beliefs about being a father that is of the mind as energy as projections and not based on reality as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create ideas/Beliefs/projection of what it means to be a father as being responsible for a child that to be a father I must be a Statue, a Picture, an Idea to my child that isn’t real/true but to be this False Image to present to my child for what I want my child to think of me instead of being a real responsible father through being HERE in and as the physical supporting and assisting my child as being the example within Who I am so that my child can create who He/she will be within what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be a cold statue that presents an image of who I am to my child such as what I am doing such as working and making money and being away from home all day and coming home late and not having the energy and time for my child as that is what a father is and must be and to connect this and already create this within what father means and what I must teach my child for what father means, seeing and realizing that this is the System Father figure/image and thus only a pre-programmed design to enslave and control people and that I do not have to fallow or live this father image/idea, I can breathe and be here as the physical and move and direct myself in each breathe and not as a system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that for me to be a father I must be following the Idea/image of what fathers currently are within the world, the providers and the ones always away, and the one that does not raise the child and have that much time for the child and that must rest when home and not spend time with the child and that has too much work and things on his mind and that as long as the father brings home money then the child will be happy. Seeing and realizing that it is all practical within the current system as what the father does, YET I do not have to define myself as it as who9 I am and that I do not have to follow it all as what I see it might be, that I can decide who I am within it all.

To be continued.

Day 312 – She is Pregnant Part 3

Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up within myself towards what exist within this world and which I am bringing in a child into to stop and to breathe and to not accept and allow the fear to direct my actions or the decisions that I make, instead I give myself the opportunity to investigate the fear and to see why I have created fear towards the world and what is here in separation of myself, instead of standing one and equal as all that is here as me being in fact a direct creator of what is here as I am here and thus I must take self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not trusting myself with and as my baby to stop and to breathe, and to trust myself as the Physical as that which is here and real.

I commit myself to when and as I Fear the world and that my baby has to go into this world to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that has to face this world every day, and that I cannot separate my child from what is here and that my child must stand one and equal with and as the system to be able to walk the system effectively and not in fear.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to Hide the world from my child to stop and to breathe – seeing and realizing that it is quite obvious that my child is in this world and that my child must be in this world but does not have to be a part of the world and yet that my child will be effective within this world.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am trying to act and behave around my child in ways that is from and as fear to stop and to breathe and to realize myself here as the Physical and to focus on the physical and to use the physical as my guidelines.

I commit myself to give all the tools I can to my child as common sense and self honesty and practicality and all the Physical skills that I can and reading and math so that my child is fully equipped to make his/her own decisions that is best for all life.

I commit myself to raise my child to always live what is best for all life.

She is Pregnant, Change the world? Part 2 - Day 311

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”
Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear all the dangers in the world that I will bring a Child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must Fear what is here and then take action, seeing and realizing that if I take actions from the starting point of fear then that is what I will teach my child, to Fear first and then to take action, seeing and realizing that I must look at the fear and forgive myself for the fear that I have created and accepted and allowed and the through common sense and self honesty look at the point with and from a clear point of being a participant in this reality and how to take Actions within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Only now that I am bringing a child into this world to suddenly care about what happened to “my” child, seeing and realizing that there are Millions of children in this world that is NO different to the child I will be bringing into this world and that the caring must be equal for all children, I also see and realize that within practicality caring and doing for all children right now as I can for my child isn’t practical at all as I do not have this power, and thus I see and realize why this world MUST change, so that what I want for my child can and will be given to ALL children equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take action and really care about how the world is now that I am going to have a child, seeing and realizing the self interest within this and why the world is the way it is, as no one is standing and walking in the shoes of others as themselves to actually care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear the world I bring my child into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my child will end up in situations that Is accepted and allowed for other children to exist within, seeing and realizing that what I accept and allow to exist for ALL children as all possible situation and environments to exist in will thus exist as possible situations/environments for my own child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fears I have for my child is existent because of the facts that I am in a world where we as a collective are accepting and allowing daily other children that isn’t our own to exist in the exact situations/environments that we fear for our own children, instead of Fucking changing this world to a place where these environments/situation do not exist and isn’t even a possible option, which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the fears I have for my child is existent because I have seen Other Living actual children in situation that I as an adult do not even want to live in exist within and that what I fear isn’t some form of fantasy, but that it is an actual reality for Millions of children in this world and that I know if it is possible for those children to exist in places where they do then it exist for my child as well, as we live in a world created by man where Money decides everything and we are just subjects to the money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I Fear for my child because I have been accepting and allowing other children to Live in poverty and to exist in abusive environments and where there are rape/murder/disease/brutality and everything that is Not a way of life any of us ever want to exist in, and that in the past I didn’t care for them or try and change the world for them, and that now I see that if my child will ever have to be in such a situation that No one will ever give a fuck or help, as that is what I have accepted and allowed one and equal. Thus I see and realize that it is MY responsibility to change the world to a place that is best for all LIFE, for all children equally all around the world, so that I know, I actually care, that I cannot accept and allow anything for any child that I do not desire for myself or my own child. Because that will mean I truly care for my child, that I change the world (obviously with a group of people and so the rest of the world together, but it starts with myself) investigate Desteni and Equal Money System.