Day 494 - My weirdest love fantasy story Part 2

From part 1:

But this was never going be in MY MIND, because there are other boys that are way cooler than me in school and they will probably take the cake, so this explains the shame I felt for if I even had to ask the girls out, like all the girls and guys would laugh at me and say – HAHAHA Gian, you and HER!!! Never lololol.

So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2 -

Part 2
– Now at the age of twelve, I have had MANY crushes on girls, and I can promise you NONE of them know or ever knew, it was all happening secret, even when I could tell the girl really likes me as-well, I would just not do anything, but I found a solution, I wanted to become Jesus.

Jesus was a man who had no one, he didn’t have family, or a wife or kids or any of that, and he could do all these awesome stuff that normal people cannot do, so I started focusing my attention more away from having a girlfriend in real life and rather do some miracle things in real life, becoming just like Jesus was now my excuse and reason to not face the fear or insecurities of asking a girl out.

But I kept the secret relationships in my mind, I didn’t want to let go of that, playing these fantasies out gave me a nice energetic experience that I started getting high on, the LOVE energy, like I would deliberately fall in love/like a girl a LOT and just do nothing but play with the mind and thoughts and feelings and emotions for a while till I gave up on that girl (as was my plan) and then move on to the next girl, obviously there were physical application needed to keep the mind fantasy alive, these physical application was me in reality interacting in weird energetic ways towards girls that was always cute/funny or just weird, which they liked, as weird really leaves an impression. And make the girl like me just to have the hope of them liking me which would keep the mind fantasy going.

As time went by I realized that I was falling in love and then losing the love, falling in love and losing the love, and this ended up creating another kind of weird fantasy relationship.

This one would now be the long term one, where I would be in love, I would have this massive crush on a girl and already in my mind tell myself “I know I am not good enough for you right now, but ONE day I will be, and then I will have the guts, and then I will be able to tell you how much I loved you when we were young and at school, and how much I wanted to be with you, but I just never said anything – and this one day image/picture of me is this handsome guy, with a sexy beard and big muscles and clean look, with money and style etc sweeping the “lost love off her feet” and then we would be so freaken in love and live to freaken happily ever after that it is the perfect story to play out.

BUT this started now getting even weirder – Because I didn’t have any real relationships at this age with girls and only within my mind, I started creating relationships towards pictures – and falling in love with the mind more than with reality and what is real, this crated a deep separation within me from actual living and living in my mind, existing within my mind.

And thus later on when I got introduced to more magazines and porn, things got a bit out of hand, but again not as one might think.

Because I placed women on a pedestal within my mind due to early introduction of certain magazines, I could not handle porn, as I felt it was degrading women and making the perfect picture, well disgusting and abusive (which it is) but from my starting point what I was doing in my mind wasn’t that different – just a polarity, an nothing real.

So I started creating an alternative reality within my mind, (still at the age of 12 here) which had nothing to do with real girls – I started liking or seeking out the perfect girl for me according to ANIME cartoons – which I discovered in magazines (specifically gaming magazines) where I would find these drawing of short anime stories of fantasy characters living in fantasy worlds, with such completely different personalities from real girls, that I found these personalities appealing/attractive – as I I was comfortable with such personalities, and specifically how they dressed and physically looked, like NOTHING as real women of the girls in my school at that time, and I believed that it was awesome to have a cartoon to place my fantasy relationship within because it isn’t a real women, and thus not degrading or anything towards women ) none of this was ever sexual FYI) – sexual things only came into my life at the age of 14.

So now I was letting go of all the girls I liked at school, and now I was starting to look for very very specific girls before I even started liking them or creating a relationship within my mind – they had to at least resemble something from an Anime character from the stories and also have the same kind of personalities/character to them – how they dress, look, speak, act, and their looks obviously – I set up an ultimate love fantasy relationship for myself to find, but what do you know. Something happened that fit exactly that description.

This will come in the next blog – Part 3

Day 493 - My weirdest love fantasy story Part 1

As a young boy, growing up lonely in a small town, I never really got to build a lot of confidence around girls.

I build a lot of confidence within myself in nature and being alone, but a side effect of this was developing a strong mind relationship with me, how I communicate with myself.

Within this, the communication I developed with girls was kind of out of my “reach” – in the sense that I am a boy, and me communicating with me as being a boy showed me how boys think, how boys respond, how we act, but NOT girls.

So interacting with others boys was okay, still not the best, as I only knew boys from school time and not from any other time outside of school, and my communication with girls always felt like ALIEN, like I was an alien communicating with another specie.

This was at a young age, around the age of seven years. At that age I did already have a girlfriend, but very unaware of it, as she asked me out, that went as follow:

Girl: Hey Gian! Will you be my boyfriend?
Me: umm, what is that??
Girl: well it is like me and you being a couple?
Me: what is that?
Girl: here take this I made it for you!! (girl handing me a piece of paper, drawn on it a heart with my name and her name in it)
Me: I take it, and I say oh.. ok, I placed the paper in my bag, my mom discovers it and shows me five years later that I had a girlfriend, I remember that moment and now realized at the age of twelve what it meant. I feel stupid, like I lost out on something.

I suddenly remember something else (still me at the age of twelve) that when I was seven I had another girlfriend, she was six years older than me, I believe we played a game, she pretended that I was her little boyfriend, and I really enjoyed it, I would visit her every day, she was way bigger than me, but I really enjoyed being around her and making jokes with her and letting her friends be silly with me (in a teasing way, the attention), I would tell her we will marry one day – remember, I now had this girl that asked me out and to be her boyfriend, but was oblivious to the moment, and it never registered and left my consciousness, yet in the same year this 13 year old girl afterwards started giving me a lot of attention, and calling me her little boyfriend, me still being oblivious to the term boyfriend or being together, till later on that same year it started making sense, it meant we are together, yet she meant it as a game we were playing, meantime I was serious about it, I started to really like this girl, I did not care if she was way older or bigger than me, me at age seven still.

I remember a physical experience I had around this older girl and her maturity versus the girls my own age, and how much I enjoyed her stability and expression, she would sometimes grab me and let me sit on her lap, in her mind I was just a tiny kid, nothing serious, but in my mind I started learning a few things, GIRLS are awesome.

She made sad remarks while this “relationship” was going on, that she will be going to high school the following year and that means we will never see each other again, which was the case, I have NO clue who she is or anything at all to this day, I have memories of her, her face and her hair and her physical form, but it is all vague, nothing clear.

Now back to me being twelve years old and my mom just showed me this love letter and me having this flash back, at this age I have now gone through quite a few times of having a liking towards certain girls in my life, girls that I met and enjoyed being around and found myself being comfortable with and the expressions, BUT never did anything about it, as I never knew how to do something about it, I expected it to come/be natural – just like when I was seven years old, I didn’t do any effort and girls came to me at that age.

So with my history of my mind relationship that I have developed with myself with how to handle myself and how to direct myself and my world, I didn’t have any GPS input on how to direct myself with asking a girl out, or how to become a couple, be together. This led to me creating more relationships in my mind, but now not just with myself, but with the girls that I liked.

I would for instance now at this age (twelve) like a girl in my grade and I would literally develop the relationship JUST in my mind, I would sit and think and play out scenarios in my mind day after day about me and the girl hanging out or watching a movie together (nothing sexual) and how I would ask the girl out, and once I ask her out how magical shit will happen, sometimes even ascending lol.

For instance I had a crush on this one girl when I was in grade 7 (age 13) – and she didn’t have a clue, but I would make sure that I see her each and every day, and have some sort of a interaction with her, like a joke or me just helping her out, or just by accident walk next to her to the next class, and it got so intense, me holding this crush completely secret to myself never exposing it, as I was afraid of being rejected and not also being liked by her or her finding me strange for liking her, or just me being fucking weird lol, so one day I was sitting at an athletic even, I saw her and I just wished I would be her boyfriend, be with her, that night I dreamed that I asked her out in front of the entire class, and she said yes, and as she took my hand, we suddenly started glowing and turning white, like angels, and we then started floating into the air, holding hands – and before you knew it we were free to just fly where we want to, escape this reality together in our togetherness.

So where did this come from, this weird relationship I created with myself, to never ask a girl out and always keep it top secret, and to live/play out the relationship within my mind only? At such a young age, meaning at the age of 7 I was way comfortable with girls, and then suddenly somewhere along the line I just became this shy kid that not has no guts to ask any girl out and to just hold it all in and keep it to myself as if I should be ashamed of it.

Well – I discovered some weird magazines, NOT porn as in all naked and sex, just magazines with a LOT of “sexy” women posing in all kinds of positions with all kinds of things in their hands or within their surroundings, with big boobs and skinny bodies, and tanned skin and beautiful hair and eyes and just fucking perfect.

But how did this influence my behaviors towards girls? Well this might surprise you, started seeing girls/women/female as being the perfect Beings, I placed women on pedestals, I started making women holy in my mind, I made women so holy that I never saw myself as even being of any value to a women, unless I looked like a dame god myself, and had money and toys real men play with.

Even though the girls at school looked nothing like the women in the magazines, I places the value of the perfect ladies in the magazines within the value of “women” – and if I like a girl, or have a crush on a girl, I have to remember that they will become like those women in the magazines, I better be prepared, to look dame hot myself, to have dame money and to be fucking cool as shit.

But this was never going be in MY MIND, because there are other boys that are way cooler than me in school and they will probably take the cake, so this explains the shame I felt for if I even had to ask the girls out, like all the girls and guys would laugh at me and say – HAHAHA Gian, you and HER!!! Never lololol.

So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2

Day 492 – Being myself, being natural within work

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I can in fact decide how I experience myself when I need to do something that I have labelled as “work” – where as I can decide to make this “work” an expression of myself, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are only a certain amount of things within this world that I can express myself within and that allows my expression to show, and thus all others things that isn’t within this category of “my expression” that still needs to be done, becomes a burden, a chore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that who I am as an expression of LIFE can express myself in anything that is here, as my expression is who I am and it isn’t decided by what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according what I do and thus what I do must decide how I experience myself, seeing and realizing that this is a personality design, part of the Identity crises that we face on this planet, where we have entities that decide for us what we can and cannot do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when there is something in my reality that I must do or that needs doing and I do not nessasarely enjoy it, that I cannot express myself within doing it. Seeing and realizing that this is me separating myself from what needs to be done as something outside of me, yet I am the one that has to do it, I might as well let go of all the mind point and all the thoughts and back chat and the emotions and feelings that is deciding my experience and thus how I do the task and make it part of my expression where doing the task is then one of no effort as who I am is natural to me and to within this do everything I do naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expressions as not suitable for this world and to within this seek out only certain things within this world that I believe will accept me expression and to limit myself to my own judgement of my own expression to what I can and cannot do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression as who I am naturally is wrong and that I always need to fix myself and work on myself as my expression to fit more into this world where everyone else is doing the exact same, instead of just being myself and trusting myself as who I am and to show passion and realness through who I am instead of fakeness and pretense.

Thus I see and realize that I must also align my expression at all times within what is best for all life to make sure that my expression is abusive or harmful to others, not changing who I am but adjusting and realigning myself to be the expression that is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know who I am within all the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat clouding me, who I am and within this have a contaminated expression of myself that is always lost within my own mind and thus always acting out in a certain way that seems to confirm that there is something off with my expression, not seeing and realizing that it is my expression that is naturally here without the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat as the MIND, and to let go of the mind I will know who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance as my expressions, but to always fall into the mind as believes/ideas/opinions of who I must and thus what I can do, based on EVERYTHING around me since birth that has conditioned me through my acceptances and allowances of it.

I want to be free – freedom is to understand how everything works in LIFE, to not have thoughts/feelings/emotions chaining one down t a limited mind perspective – to be free isn’t to have no rules, it isn’t to not have any restrictions, it is to be able to freely express oneself as who you are within what is HERE without the mind trapping on within what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give thoughts power over my expressions, to let thoughts decide how I am going to approach a certain situation, instead of naturally walking in and expressing myself within what is here as REALITY, what I can see and direct one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back up my thoughts with back chat as reason and logic, to keep myself save from expressing myself, in the fear that my expression will be judged by others, seeing and realizing that it is and has always only be me judging me and through my own judgment decide and make certain actions that then show/reveal these internal judgement point where other are also now seeing it and thus doing onto me as I have done onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR expressing myself as who I naturally am and to TRUST who I am not matter what – seeing and realizing that this trust has been lost (since I was a baby) due to me accepting and allowing thoughts/feelings/emotions/back chat to govern my LIFE that as based on the mind as deception of LIFE as the slave creator, as the web of my own enslavement to energy.

Day 491 - Identity

Who am I, for as long as I can remember, I have been identifying myself with the system, with society and all the constructs that is here. I have identified myself with everything my eyes can see that is seen as acceptable within society, within the system, I have live many identities, I have changed my identities year after year to fit in with society, to become a part of society that is accepted within the majority of society. I have been Identifying myself with emotions and feelings, with the thoughts I have that I had to create to fit in with society, I have over time come to believe that I am this Identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself establish my identity based on things that are outside of me, such as images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an Identity for myself that limits me to this identity and thus what I can do and cannot do according to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity for myself based on the idea that I was born without one.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the Identity I was born with was that of LIFE, and not a personality, as I can clearly state that I do not know or remember who I was when I was born, and thus my evidence that the Identity of who I am isn’t based on life experience or memories, as I already existed at birth as someone, as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that who I am now as an Identity isn’t me, isn’t who I am but simply accumulated experiences/memories that I have accepted and allowed to define me, where I have given it value, and thus devalue myself from LIFE to something less, to a personality that is imperfect, and to within this imperfect personality as my identity walk in self-judgement consistently, never reaching my utmost potential as LIFE, as who I am in fact but has forgotten, that lies underneath all the memories (me more lies) and entangled within thoughts that occupies my mind consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am now as a MIND as a personality as the identity that I have given myself is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I have become since birth is the real me, not seeing and realizing that who I have become is actually the suppression of the real me from birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to hold onto the Identity that I have become in fear that I will lose myself, seeing and realizing that I will lose the identity but in return I will realize myself, layer by layer back to LIFE as the real identity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of Identifying myself as the personality/mind that I am now , as a state of self-judgement and limitation, where this state is in fact De-manning myself, as a demon, where I do not see myself worthy as LIFE anymore and thus within this mind set abuse life and do not care for life, but now only to sustain this false identity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize holding onto this false Identity that isn’t me from birth and thus will not be me at death, holds everything that isn’t real and thus I live in a way within this identity that is sustain a world/system that isn’t real, which is thus abusing all life that is real to create a world that uses what is real to create the false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize HOW damaging it is towards myself and all LIFE to hold on to a Identity, as an Identity has a certain mind set, and if this identity’s mind set is that of NOT change, of not caring, of only being interested about itself and its existence then the possibility for change and for ending all abuse of life is nil.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Identity is and ID ENTITY – a Entity that has an ID, a license to live in me, where I have given this entity permission to exist for me, to decide for me, to take direction for me, while I sit paralyzed not able t do anything, as the entity has been given full control of my LIFE by my permission in the believe that this is the way things are and supposed to be, this entity is the MIND.

Day 490 - Personality as a point of view

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have through my acceptance and allowances of thought made myself less than my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the moment I accept or allow a thought to create any form of fear/anxiety/stress or any other movement within me, that I have made myself less than a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself less than a thought through accepting and allowing thoughts to “mean” something within myself as the relationship that I have created within me towards/with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the moment a thought direct me as the physical being, that I have submitted to thoughts as having power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that thought/thoughts are but a point of view/opinion that is “separate from reality and not in fact reality as it is taking place inside MY mind and not real in reality, and thus it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that each and every thought I have is MY point of View and not reality in fact, as each and every thought that I have as my point of view exists as me as my acceptance and allowance to sustain a personality, so that I can say I exist as an individual who has MY own point of view of reality, coming from a point of fear of losing my “mental self” as the personality that I have as the thoughts I have as my points of view/opinions that I have – that is deliberately created within conflict to be able to sustain friction that creates Mental energy so that I can keep creating this mental friction just to sustain a limited existence as a mental individual as thoughts – my point of view on reality. Seeing and realizing that there HERE is only one reality and that MY point of view on reality will always differ from ALL other humans as long as I hold on to personality as the mental self, the projected self, not the living self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take “thought” and having thoughts as something to be taken lightly, not seeing and realizing that each and every thought I accept and allow as my point of view on reality, as my mental projection that keeps my mental self as my personality alive, that I am in fact creating a personality of disharmony, of friction, that can never move to a point of living what is best for all LIFE as me, living as what is here in each and every breath as the real physical reality we all share equally, that does not require opinion, of points of views or ideas or personalities to be what it is, what is here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my point of view on reality is relevant, that my point of view of what I interpret of reality is important and bring big insights and realization, though having these points of views in my mind as thought, as idea, as opinion that is and will be by its design always be in conflict with all other mental selves as all mental selves require for their own existence to have different points of views on reality to have friction to keep creating mental energy that then can be used by each being to make the statement, I am individual, I am unique, this is my personality, because Look at my point of view on reality with all my believes/Ideas and opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that thought is the Veil in front of my physical eyes, that does not allow me to see common sense that is HERE existent as the physical, but rather to only see points of views as my opinions, beliefs, ideas and thus as my “personality”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that common sense only exist within the physical, and not within the mind, as the mind is a mental self, not a physical self, and a mental self can only interpret and project, create illusions and delusions, not see reality and what is here, and thus as long as there is one thought in my mind I am living behind a veil and I will fail as the mind will prevail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train my body to submit to thoughts and the energy that thought as the mind as the mental self uses to numb or to paralyze the body to do as the mind wants for its own limited survival and to train my body to simply give in and trust the mind/thoughts as the minds point of view on reality.

Day 489 – inherently faulty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not processing information effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fault lies inherently within me for why I cannot process information effectively.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I as LIFE with proper instruction have unlimited potential including effective information processing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that with proper instruction was missing in my formative years leading to ineffective information processing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within believing that I am inherently faulty that I have to redeem myself infinitely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried and attempted to redeem myself with much pain and strain cause there is nothing to redeem, as I see and realize that I have been trying to fix something which was never broken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this point personal and thus to take this point personal, seeing and realizing that it could never have been personal and never will be as it isn’t a matter of who I am as LIFE but simply a point of what was put into me as my education in my formative years.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that those around me were fooled by the exact same perception and that they like me did not know any better as they to lacked proper instruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and disproof those around me about their perception of me but within this actually confirming and validating that there is something wrong with me, something faulty that needs to be fixed, because I am still working with the same frame work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a negatively charged relationship towards myself and to have made it my purpose in life to make sure that others have a positively charged relationship towards me, to compensate the negatively charged relationship I have towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this decision to be the starting point in everything I see and do where I forever see myself situation and environment in terms of how I can score positive relationships within this completely lose touch with reality and how things actually physically move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the relationship I have towards myself is a relationship people have towards m, and that I thus have to take special action to flip the relationship into the positive and thus in all my relationships I have something to make up for.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how in my faulty perception of reality I set myself up to achieve the impossible and only ever set myself up to fail and where after so many consecutive failures I start to believe that there is really no hope for me and that I will be forever faulty/not enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have focused on fixing the perception of others towards me without looking or focusing what about me needs to change where I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to assess the origin of my own self relationship and take the steps to correct what is causing the inefficiency within my life, and thus correct my distorted self-perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inherently faulty and that this is absolute and unchangeable in every way.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself for misinterpreting my distorted self-perception

I see and realize that I am inherently whole

I see and realize that I have wasted my life chasing self-redemption when there was nothing to be redeemed.

I see and realize that it is now up to me to correct my instructions and to ask for assistance and support when I see that I need it to correct and re configure my instructions to one that is best for me, that is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as I see/feel/experience the urge to create a positive relation/moment to stop, breathe and re assess my starting point, am I trying to redeem myself and thus further ingraining the self-belief that something is wrong with me? So I stop, I let go, as I see and realize that this construct does not serve me and it will only further diminish myself and my relationship towards myself.

I commit myself to when and as I face a challenge and access an energy of giving up to stop and breath, I see and realize where this pattern comes from and that it is based on misinformation, I move myself out of the energy and assess what is physically here and what is physically necessary for me to do to walk through the challenge.

I see and realize that I have created a very strong self-belief around these energies and pattern where I belief them to be so me and so real that it might sometimes be hard to remind myself that this is not me and not who I am and thus I commit myself to give myself patience in correcting myself relationship within dropping the self-belief and remind myself that it is entirely possible for me to walk out and beyond this pattern as I have walked out and beyond other patterns before. I acknowledge myself potential and I do not accept and allow myself to give up on myself or to settle for anything less than what I know I can be and live.

Day 488 – Forgive ME

I know, you who are reading this, you are stuck in a place that feels like you will never be able to get out of it, like you have tried many times before to change this stuckness, but you have already accepted your life is just the way it is.

You have tried many times to change your life, you have tried many times to change yourself, but the patterns seem to just be stronger, it seems impossible to change who you are, you know you NEED to change, you know your situation needs to change, you know that this change is literally just in front of you, and that is probably what is the most frustrating part about the story of change, it is always RIGHT here, you can feel it, you know it is here, yet there is something else that just isn’t here to take that one step, from a limited victimized self to a self that is living their utmost potential.

Sometimes you might just feel like screaming and to get it out of the way, to just let it all go, to just say - till here and no further, but even that scream, you hold it back. Because you realize it won’t change anything but maybe hurt your vocal cords, or perhaps because you know the scream inside of you isn’t possible to be screamed.

You have a job, you have to earn money, you have a family, either your own or the one you come from, you have fun moments and you have things that you do sometimes that you enjoy, but when you are alone by yourself, that is when the real shit comes through, the part that no one knows, the part that is hidden, it is your burden to carry (you tell yourself).

Life is one big mess, we have political problems, we have economic problems, we have global environmental problems, we have so many problems in this world that needs to be sorted out, but it is all too much, because you, just like me, have to deal at the same time with where we are stuck, where we were born and our own life’s, you know you need to work and earn money and you know this is taking most of your living of your LIFE and you know that the job you have isn’t secure because the system we live in is the most unstable system we could have ever build a society on and make people dependent on it.

You see your planet being destroyed piece by piece and yet you know there is nothing you individually can do right now to change it, so you continue your days as all ways, just go to work, survive and earn money. Then spend the money you earn to make your part as your life in this world not so shitty as much as possible, to buy a chocolate or have a cuppachino, because you know having the money to buy something like that in a moment when you want to is a comfort, as 75% of the other people on earth do not have that luxury, I mean only 1,5 billion people have access to the internet, well can afford to be on it. So even just switching on the WIFI and browsing useless sites is like a confirmation to yourself that all is still okay (for you that is).

Yes I understand, what else is there to do, what else can you possibly spend your time on and your money, it isn’t like the world is going to change tomorrow by doing something different now and for the next ten years, so instead you will do nothing, or try and do something, but only bare minimal, because the idea is in your head, that maybe something will change, or maybe not, and give the maybe not a bigger chance inside yourself, and because of that do as little as possible for in-case nothing changes you didn’t waste your time on doing all the things that you did do, to maybe change the world. But who knows. You know.

And here you are again, a time loop, each year after year after year, standing in front the mirror of self-reflection, having to make that one decision to change, yet year after year the pattern has already been patterned through your own behavior to do the same thing as the year before, halfhearted, a big disbelief that guides the decision, a disbelief patterned only by yourself through your own actions, not realizing that all the evidence of no change is directly leading back to your own actions, the bread crumbs lay in a circle, like a snake eating its own tail, senseless isn’t it?

Do you see now why you always know that the moment for change is right here, it is as if it is just in front of you, you just have to make that one different move or decision and to live it, but you don’t, but you know you can do it NOW right here, you know you have that power, you know inside of yourself that it is the most possible thing ever, and the sad part is, because you know it is right here and that you know you can do it here in the breath that is present, you have simply created another belief, I can or might as well do it tomorrow then, why not? I know I can – so why now, what is one more day to wait. This is where the scary honest part comes in, you realize that you actually have come to find comfort in your limited version of yourself, you have actually come to enjoy the abuse of life of yourself onto yourself, you actually enjoy all the limitations, the FEAR has become the beacon of trust, as soon as fear arise, you rather follow that, you have learned to trust the fear.

And so your days continue day after day the same, even when you participate in movements for change, you know it will soon just become part of your daily routine of comfort, you know that soon this movement of change is still within your comfort zone, your boarders of comfort lined out inside of your own mind through society and all the systems that is here as the very things you want to change you find comfort within, you know that soon this movement of change that you are participating within will simply remain the same movement, the movement won’t change, it won’t really do anything in this world and soon you will just participate within this movement for change as if it is an activity, nothing real, nothing substantial, not pushing it as far you can push yourself, because you aren’t pushing yourself, that maybe of it won’t change anything and half-heartedness got the bigger chance inside of yourself, now minimal movement becomes the goal within the movement for change, it is like laying in hospital on life support, instead of supporting LIFE.

And now, if you can see what I am saying, if you can relate to what I am saying, you will understand the heading of this post, it isn’t about forgiving ME the writer of this post, as everything in the Universe leads back to who you are in reverse, we must change the heading of Forgive me, to self-forgiveness, you must forgive yourself. Because in each and every moment that you know you have the opportunity to change, to change the moment to bring forth that utmost potential in yourself, where you know you can do it now but instead do not, and you feel that there is just something missing, then here I am saying, that something that is missing is you forgiving yourself, you can feel these word in your core, you just want to scream it, but you know that is just an accumulation.

Instead take a practical step, take a breathe and make the change, forgive yourself for whatever reason in that moment is already pre decided in your mind, in the moment that you are going to use to justify your change and the change to this world and instead let go of fear, let go of the sadness that keeps accumulating inside yourself for not standing for yourself, and live. Be alive.

There is a very fine line between actual change and just change, see the difference is in the words, just change is Justified change, where one can still justify their change to others as a reason/way for an excuse to remain in a comfort zone in alignments with the abuse of the world that exist here, to not seem that far out, yet isn’t that what is required to bring actual change to a world that if literally fucked, change that is far out from this current world, isn’t that the only real indication that there is real change, what is scientific proof if it isn’t first met with research and proof that seems or is far out, and then proven correct over time, and soon implemented. But fear takes the cake. And to clarify, do not confuse actual change with irrational change, irrational change is when it isn’t in alignment with all that is here, it is a change that isn’t best for all. I mean changing self in a manner of living what is best for all should bring all people together, it should bring realness to life, it should bring real joy to life, and it should bring a change forth in others as you. Not fear and irrationality and discord.

Perhaps the fear for actual change is the misunderstanding or what actual change is, the fear of the unknown, would we prefer a world that gets fucked by war and famine and bloodshed and tears, or rather a world that is shaken by some real common sense and self-honesty and new messages and ways to life that can bring resolve to the problems we have personally and on a global scale where NONE of the bloodshed and tears is required. Which fear wins, most people prefer war and death over having a bad social status. How messed up is that.

I forgive Myself..

Day 487 - Desteni is the Red pill, not the Blue pill - Matrix

The world is Fucked, plain and simple. The world is fucked because of each and every individual human being that has existed in the past and currently.

We as the Humans can not excuse ourselves form this simple fact. To do so, we will be abdicating our responsibility and thus our power to do anything about fixing this world.

For every child being raped or murdered or that is dying/suffering from starvation or a lack of proper nutrition or shelter (basic needs) and for every animal on land or in the ocean and in the air, for every plant and bug and every single things that has been abused to a level that defy what the apparent human stands for as morality and being humane. It is literally the opposite.

To make it more clear in terms of making sure everyone gets the point that they are in fact responsible for every single thing happening on this planet that is NOT in the best interest of and as LIFE, I will state the following – even if you do nothing every day and do not do any “good” or “bad” you are HERE, and this world is fucked right now. See that equation, it includes everyone as being directly responsible, a baby born into this world right now is born with this responsibility by the mathematical equation of YOU + HERE + what is HERE+ what you are born into+ Oneness = YOU are responsible.

It does not matter if you live a good life and do good all day till you die, this is OUR planet and our consent is given to those doing harm by our actions to do something about it, if you do nothing to change it to what is best for all life, you are giving your mutual consent for the party to abuse as they choose, you are directly responsible for a child molester molesting children that you have no idea of or what they are doing, because the fact is, you are here and it is here happening = you are giving consent by its mere existence and it isn’t changing at all.

Hopefully that short explanation makes things a bit clearer, or can be comprehended, it is quite difficult if a human lives a life of self-interest and in a believe that everything here as LIFE is separate and that what exist has nothing to do with them except what they are experiencing in their personal lives, yes a very limited existence it is indeed. To comprehend such a point of responsibility requires self-transformation internally and then externally as a living example for self-first and then by the law of obviousness others will see and start living the same.

Then the next point comes along – how can any human take on such a responsibility? It must be impossible, I mean an entire planet full of trillions of beings from humans to viruses and I am responsible for how each of these beings lives are on this planet?? You must be crazy.

Well then I must point out the obvious again which obviously isn’t obvious yet, as it wasn’t obvious to me neither in the beginning of this Journey with Detseni and the process and deciding to walk this journey in awareness and to take authority for and of myself and direct myself, as this process is happening of oneness and equality ANYWAY with or without my participation, because LIFE has rules to equalize itself, either through force or we can decide to stand as life and direct it instead in a more pleasant way.

So the not so obvious point to look at how possible it is really for each and every human to take their responsibility in this world and what exist here as our creation through directly creating it or through acceptances and allowances, consciously or unconsciously.

YOUR Body, it has up to sixty trillion cells that makes your body what it is, each cell is alive by itself. Yes you heard me, each cell is their own being, they are the ones responsible for you getting hungry and drinking fluids, as they are asking for it, sure we can give them those things even if they do not ask for it, but they will respond accordingly then.

So next question then, how are you able to live, how is it that your body is able to exist as it does right now with sixty trillion cells that are individual cells all working together, why do some of them not just decide to do their own thing? Does the cells have higher IQ’s them us humans for not doing something so stupid? Yes it sounds stupid and even impossible, my cells deciding on their own to just do what they want, imagine suddenly falling apart as all your cells decide to just go their own way. Free choice sounds pretty stupid in this case, doesn’t it?

So how do our cells do it? What is the secret they are living by and that we aren’t, well first of all, they know and realize and see and understand in fact that they might be individuals and separate forms yet the SAME body, thus without each one doing what they are doing the other will not be able to live an effective life. and if even one cell does not live an effective life then all the other cells will be effected and thus the entire body will be effected, even if the cells on the other side does not feel it, the body which is their form/home is effected and thus they are all effected, and what does the body do when there is a cell that isn’t doing well, the BODY respond asap to correct it and to place it all back in balance, as long as there is balance.

So each Cell is responsible directly for the well-being of the entire body, and for each cell to be responsible for the entire body each cell must be self-responsible, self-responsibility is to know thy self and thus to live in a way that is best for the body/all. How considerate and just look at us all, having bodies moving around functioning.

Now take this simple perfect example as our bodies and compare it to the earth, where the earth is OUR body and we are the cells making up the earth, including every animal and plant and bug and the soil and see how everything is interconnected. Now realize why earth is fucked and how we have come to this point in time of fuckedupness, we do not even exist as ONE body as what we are, never mind being self-responsible, and even less being responsible being for this body/earth.

So we as a PLANET called earth needs to come together and take responsibility, but for that to happen we each have to first take self-responsibility as who we are, and each being/person is LIFE, the entire body, not separate at all, and to do this will take a process, a massive process, the body is autocorrecting itself to find balances, but if the cells that are out of balance do not get corrected soon, then just like a cancer the body cannot correct itself and dies. Sorting the problem out both ways.

And this is where Detseni did the research and created the tools for this correcting to go faster and in a less damaging way, less abusive. To not only speed up the process of healing but to come to a solution to prevent the problem from occurring again. And since Desteni started, many cells has come to equip themselves to correct themselves and to become a correction within the body/planet/Life – it is all free will based, because if cells are forced then change is very unlikely. To change, a person/cell must make the decision yes or no, the blue pill or the red pill as in Matrix. And then the decision must be lived.

But just like in the Matrix the red pill is taken and many want to make that deal with the agents again to go back, to not have to face reality, the truth, but unfortunately once the red pill is taken you cannot deny reality or the truth of what is here, but not realizing that once you have taken the red pill and you see reality, you actually now have authority to do something, to change and to bring change, to become a Neo, and in this situation we require each and every human/cell to become a Neo, we want each and every cell to be its utmost potential to have a LIFE that is worth living, a healthy body has a healthy mind as they say.

No one in the Matrix was any different from Neo, they all just abdicated their potential and placed hope onto someone else, imagine a Zion full of Neos. But the process is a hard one to take and to follow through. Self-responsibility is acquired through self-forgiveness, and self-honesty is developed through self-investigation of writing and writing self-forgiveness, common sense is developed through seeing reality more and more as the layers of the programs and systems are removed – but the starting point of doing any and all of this must be to rebirth self as LIFE as that which is best for all life.

Day 486 - unexpected truth about Desteni and the Desteni Farm.

I have been wanting to write the truth about Desteni farm for many years, it has always been on my mind, I have never had a single day go by without having the vision of me writing out a blog post revealing the truth about Desteni Farm and what it is that’s going on here. I have been living on the Detseni farm for more than seven years, and I cannot hold this in anymore.

When I came to Desteni farm in 2008, I was strongly advised by my mother to not come, and that she does not allow me to come/go to the Desteni Farm, my father on the other hand was happy for the decision. (Since then my mother has visited me here on the Desteni Farm on many occasions and even wanted to move here at some point)

So I came, the words of my mother was stuck inside of me on the way to the Farm, it was a six hour drive, just me and my Father in the car, as we got closer and closer to the farm where I knew Bernard Poolman would be waiting for my arrival, and where the portal will be, I was really nervous and stressed out, as my mother’s words floated around in my mind – specifically these words: “in the name and blood of Jesus I do not give you permission to go” – and I decided to go anyway.

Once I was on the farm and I gave Bernard a hug and everyone else, the stress and nervousness was over, taking a quick look around the farm and just chilling, sitting around a big metal table outside talking and sharing, my father was also staying for a few days. The farm was at that time very dull and empty, not much was build yet and not much going on.

Then my Father left, and I was now on my own, no parent nearby, just me and other people on a farm and to be more specific – the DESTENI farm, not just any farm with family and friends living on it, a farm that was very very specific and why it exist, and the people on this farm with a very specific goal that is being lived/applied.

As time went by I got involved in ALL the Physical activities on the farm, which is farm maintenance and building. We were busy reshaping the farm, to bring life to the farm, taking out thousands of weeds and planting grass and cutting grass and building bathrooms and fixing a lot of things, such as fencing etc, and in this passing of time more and more people came to the farm, people from ALL over the world, from America and Europe and Australia and Canada and so many other places.

With these new strangers visiting the farm with this same specific goal at heart, it was really awesome to see everyone coming together and participating within all the practical farm activities and having chats around bond fires and making videos and interviews and writing blogs, just discussing LIFE and the systems we live in and changes and actually apply these changes to ourselves within the group, with a great amount of feedback from the supportive environment to help one achieve change in living application.

What I found the most interesting was all the different people from all around the world are actually not so different at all, in fact I would say I realized that everyone is the same.

Oh wait, everyone is waiting to hear the truth about Desteni farm, sorry I got lost in all the amazingness of the Desteni farm, the uniqueness of it all, the magnitude of such a happening such as the Desteni farm. specifically why is exists and how.

You are probably also waiting to hear about all the Bernard stories and the portal stories and all the weird things that is supposed to be going on at the Desteni Farm, well I am sorry the only weirdness is how the Desteni farm is the most harmonious place I have ever lived, where there is actually peace and community, because the people that visit or that stay here, are people that has developed themselves through actual self-change within taking self-responsibility, through extensive writing and applying self-forgiveness and developing self-honesty, living by common sense and agreements.

Oh wait, that is weird to most of humanity, which prefers war and harm and enjoying emotional abuse and mind games and blaming and all the “good” shit (sarcasm) all the normal stuff””

The portal is as real as real can be, I witnessed the portal multiple times at any time doing what the portal does, NEVER preparing anything beforehand, I mean the things the portal can do is beyond my comprehension, in terms of what’s coming through the portal. It is feaken amazing, I tried doing what the portal does through “pretending” and guess what, it is impossible to come up with even 1% of what the portal is doing and seven years later even with Bernard gone for two years already, the portal is still at it the same, making a part one video of a certain series today and then for the next several weeks make other interviews and then continues with part two perfectly in alignment with part one, I slept in the same house in my own room as where the portal was for two months, seeing the portal busy at any time with several other people also in the same house, the portal NEVER had any time to practice or to go rehearse anything. It is all real time HERE. I could at any time ask the portal for assistance or perspective and right there and then the portal would show me the points and give me insight or describe a system or program to me, and years later, still the same.

To talk about Bernard Poolman I would need to write a book, Bernard was simply HERE always breathing and directing points here, taking no shit, yet the gentlest person and the kindest person and you can’t hide anything from him, without saying a word he knows and brings it up. Yes developing abilities is possible, I used to see inter-dimensional at the age of 16, my entire family is aware of it and saw the proof for themselves in front of their eyes, but I lost my ability through abusing it. (I have never shared this before) this is why I know everything with Desteni is a fact, I lived it and I have been there (my own proof and evidence through time applying myself actually within the provided tools) trusting myself. One needs to stand as life and in breath to handle such an ability/gift – moving on.

The truth about Desteni Farm – it’s the one place on earth that I would like to manifest all across the earth, specifically the communal living part, not necessarily earth as one big farm lol.

The truth is Desteni is amazing if you really walk it to your utmost and apply the tools and learn to know thy self, develop yourself as what is best for all life, in other words, develop the vocabulary to stand one and equal as life to live the words of life and become the living word, as the word was in the beginning and A new reality, the actual reality that is here starts coming through and what’s possible for this reality that we have destroyed thus far, writing, self-forgiveness, develop self-honesty, common sense and living by the principles that is based on LIFE as what is best for all life.

If you want more truths about Desteni and the Desteni Farm then first let go of pre-conceived ideas and beliefs and opinions and really take a look without a veil in front of your eyes and we can move along faster this life to change this world and make a life that is worthy and best for all.

Day 485 - The Desteni Language

The Desteni Language, is it different, yes, is it weird, NO – first understand the definition of language and investigate the word language a bit deeper, see that it is everywhere in all things, it’s even how our DNA can do what they do, for the Human it is everything.

So welcome to the Desteni Language.

Definition: Language
1. The method of human communication, either spoken or written, consisting of the use of words in a structured and conventional way.
"a study of the way children learn language"
• Any nonverbal method of expression or communication.
"A language of gesture and facial expression"
synonyms: speech, writing, communication, conversation, speaking, talking, talk, discourse; More
words, vocabulary
"the structure of language"
2. The system of communication used by a particular community or country.
"the book was translated into twenty-five languages"

Now, onto my explanation to make sense of it all. The following explanation came from my own realizations and obviously in my line of work meeting very interesting people giving me new perspectives/words and opening up my world bit by bit.

Language – most of us, if not all, including myself have been taught that a different language is a language that “ONLY” comes from another country or a different region in one’s own country where one can listen and not make out anything the other person is saying because the other person from another country or region in one’s own country is speaking NOT the same language as you. This is the Idea that comes from most people.

As we can see in the definition of language, it comes down to vocabulary. What this means is that there can be two English speaking people in the same room, the one is a salesmen, the other is a doctor, both of them speak English yet a different language, as both of them has been trained in the same language (English) for many many years just with different vocabulary, so if the doctor starts speaking to the salesmen about his day, and the operations he did and the patients he had to deal with and their diseases, then the sales men will literally have no clue what the doctor is talking about, yet if the salesmen starts talking to the doctor about what he does and how he is selling things, the doctor on the other hand will understand what the salesmen is talking about. Why? Because the doctor has that vocabulary and can thus understand the salesmen. The difference is, the doctor studied for many years the Vocabulary that the majority of society do not study, or have to know about (which is different vocabulary in English) plus he already had the basic vocabulary of English and learned from society how to use/speak the English (thus has a WAY bigger vocabulary), while the salesmen also started with the basic English vocabulary did not have to study many years to sell things, although he did have to learn new vocabulary to fit his sales, it isn’t nessasarely that much different and still falls in the line of basic English.

Now let’s go one step further – The doctor and the salesmen both have the same basic vocabulary that they both learned through the normal schooling system, the one (doctor) went on to study different vocabulary that is specific to a doctor, and this doctor now has also changed his life after many years of learning new vocabulary – as vocabulary/words directly influence how we think and thus what we do and pattern ourselves with as the person/character we become, thus the doctor will now start hanging out with doctors and he will most likely enjoy being with doctors more as they can all relate to one another and have the same way/manner in which they speak, and have doctor jokes and spots to hang out, and the same goes for the salesmen. The difference is the doctor is kind of now living a doctor vocabulary, because he deals with it every day of his life as it is his living, his living depends on his vocabulary, and the same for the salesmen.

Now we have thousands of different professions in this world, where each profession has a different set of word/vocabulary that is required to be known and lived to really be effective and to really be a professional in your profession, even if all these professions are in the same Language as English, they are each their own language in vocabulary and how the vocabulary is structured to form sentences as well, to make it possible for that profession to exist to communicate to move the points and to do what is required to do.

I for example: I know nothing about mechanics, so will I buy a magazine that is called mechanics? NO, because I will start reading it and then not know what I am reading, BUT if I am interested, I will start learning the vocabulary so I can read about it and then I can start applying myself, express myself to do it.

So, when you look now at Desteni, it is simply a new language in terms of a new structure where new sets of vocabulary is used – and it is still English, but you can go and translate it into any language and you will find it is still the vocabulary and the structure that is different for it to be that which Desteni is all about, where this Desteni Language is the language of LIFE – it didn’t just come about overnight, it didn’t just come about through a mysterious unknown development, it came about through development in what Detseni do and stand for, years of research and hard work and really investigating things in this world and within ourselves, and to really truly express it all we had to develop a new vocabulary and how we structure it in our expressions, just like a doctor who needs to know his doctor language/vocabulary to do what he needs to do to save patients and help people, the same for Destonians.

If a person finds the Desteni Language weird or different then you should know that such a person will find any other language or new set of vocabulary they are introduced to weird, and that it has nothing to do with Desteni, it has everything to do with the person and that they are not serious, you know, like me picking up a book about mechanics, a lot of people enroll to become doctors, how many make it? Not all of them, because some finds the language/vocabulary too difficult to learn/comprehend and then suddenly such a person will now be against doctors or downgrade the profession, saying things like: they didn’t really want to become a doctor, that to become a doctor one must have no life to learn those words/things etc., I had a better plan for myself, but such a person will never admit that the problem lies with self, and get everyone around them on their side as far as possible just so that they do not have to admit they didn’t make it, it was the teachers fault, the teacher didn’t teach me right, the university is going backwards.

So understand the Language point, the vocabulary – try and have one thought without using vocabulary/words and see language in all its forms, not just the different sounds, but how deep it really goes.