I build a lot of confidence within myself in nature and being alone, but a side effect of this was developing a strong mind relationship with me, how I communicate with myself.
Within this, the communication I developed with girls was kind of out of my “reach” – in the sense that I am a boy, and me communicating with me as being a boy showed me how boys think, how boys respond, how we act, but NOT girls.
So interacting with others boys was okay, still not the best, as I only knew boys from school time and not from any other time outside of school, and my communication with girls always felt like ALIEN, like I was an alien communicating with another specie.
This was at a young age, around the age of seven years. At that age I did already have a girlfriend, but very unaware of it, as she asked me out, that went as follow:
Girl: Hey Gian! Will you be my boyfriend?
Me: umm, what is that??
Girl: well it is like me and you being a couple?
Me: what is that?
Girl: here take this I made it for you!! (girl handing me a piece of paper, drawn on it a heart with my name and her name in it)
Me: I take it, and I say oh.. ok, I placed the paper in my bag, my mom discovers it and shows me five years later that I had a girlfriend, I remember that moment and now realized at the age of twelve what it meant. I feel stupid, like I lost out on something.
I suddenly remember something else (still me at the age of twelve) that when I was seven I had another girlfriend, she was six years older than me, I believe we played a game, she pretended that I was her little boyfriend, and I really enjoyed it, I would visit her every day, she was way bigger than me, but I really enjoyed being around her and making jokes with her and letting her friends be silly with me (in a teasing way, the attention), I would tell her we will marry one day – remember, I now had this girl that asked me out and to be her boyfriend, but was oblivious to the moment, and it never registered and left my consciousness, yet in the same year this 13 year old girl afterwards started giving me a lot of attention, and calling me her little boyfriend, me still being oblivious to the term boyfriend or being together, till later on that same year it started making sense, it meant we are together, yet she meant it as a game we were playing, meantime I was serious about it, I started to really like this girl, I did not care if she was way older or bigger than me, me at age seven still.
I remember a physical experience I had around this older girl and her maturity versus the girls my own age, and how much I enjoyed her stability and expression, she would sometimes grab me and let me sit on her lap, in her mind I was just a tiny kid, nothing serious, but in my mind I started learning a few things, GIRLS are awesome.
She made sad remarks while this “relationship” was going on, that she will be going to high school the following year and that means we will never see each other again, which was the case, I have NO clue who she is or anything at all to this day, I have memories of her, her face and her hair and her physical form, but it is all vague, nothing clear.
Now back to me being twelve years old and my mom just showed me this love letter and me having this flash back, at this age I have now gone through quite a few times of having a liking towards certain girls in my life, girls that I met and enjoyed being around and found myself being comfortable with and the expressions, BUT never did anything about it, as I never knew how to do something about it, I expected it to come/be natural – just like when I was seven years old, I didn’t do any effort and girls came to me at that age.
So with my history of my mind relationship that I have developed with myself with how to handle myself and how to direct myself and my world, I didn’t have any GPS input on how to direct myself with asking a girl out, or how to become a couple, be together. This led to me creating more relationships in my mind, but now not just with myself, but with the girls that I liked.
I would for instance now at this age (twelve) like a girl in my grade and I would literally develop the relationship JUST in my mind, I would sit and think and play out scenarios in my mind day after day about me and the girl hanging out or watching a movie together (nothing sexual) and how I would ask the girl out, and once I ask her out how magical shit will happen, sometimes even ascending lol.
For instance I had a crush on this one girl when I was in grade 7 (age 13) – and she didn’t have a clue, but I would make sure that I see her each and every day, and have some sort of a interaction with her, like a joke or me just helping her out, or just by accident walk next to her to the next class, and it got so intense, me holding this crush completely secret to myself never exposing it, as I was afraid of being rejected and not also being liked by her or her finding me strange for liking her, or just me being fucking weird lol, so one day I was sitting at an athletic even, I saw her and I just wished I would be her boyfriend, be with her, that night I dreamed that I asked her out in front of the entire class, and she said yes, and as she took my hand, we suddenly started glowing and turning white, like angels, and we then started floating into the air, holding hands – and before you knew it we were free to just fly where we want to, escape this reality together in our togetherness.
So where did this come from, this weird relationship I created with myself, to never ask a girl out and always keep it top secret, and to live/play out the relationship within my mind only? At such a young age, meaning at the age of 7 I was way comfortable with girls, and then suddenly somewhere along the line I just became this shy kid that not has no guts to ask any girl out and to just hold it all in and keep it to myself as if I should be ashamed of it.
Well – I discovered some weird magazines, NOT porn as in all naked and sex, just magazines with a LOT of “sexy” women posing in all kinds of positions with all kinds of things in their hands or within their surroundings, with big boobs and skinny bodies, and tanned skin and beautiful hair and eyes and just fucking perfect.
But how did this influence my behaviors towards girls? Well this might surprise you, started seeing girls/women/female as being the perfect Beings, I placed women on pedestals, I started making women holy in my mind, I made women so holy that I never saw myself as even being of any value to a women, unless I looked like a dame god myself, and had money and toys real men play with.
Even though the girls at school looked nothing like the women in the magazines, I places the value of the perfect ladies in the magazines within the value of “women” – and if I like a girl, or have a crush on a girl, I have to remember that they will become like those women in the magazines, I better be prepared, to look dame hot myself, to have dame money and to be fucking cool as shit.
But this was never going be in MY MIND, because there are other boys that are way cooler than me in school and they will probably take the cake, so this explains the shame I felt for if I even had to ask the girls out, like all the girls and guys would laugh at me and say – HAHAHA Gian, you and HER!!! Never lololol.
So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2
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