Day 182 – The Day I said F*** Spiritualism.

Day 182 – The Day I said F*** Spiritualism.

I used to like spiritualism stuff, like Reiki where you can heal yourself and others and transfer energy and where you work with crystals and all the things that is different from the rest of society that makes you feel like you are a good person, because I always just wanted to be a good person, so I went for the first thing that was like the ultimate thing of good, the light and the helping of others and Love and all the good stuff when I was about 16 and 17 years old.

I was into past life’s and chakras and I did a bit of research on it, not much as I was getting most of my info from my mother, I hated reading so I never cared to read up on spiritualism much, I took my mother’s words for it.

So for a while I was testing out everything I could with Reiki and healing myself, I got into a bike accident and I started applying Reiki on the wounds, it did not work but I someone how after a couple of months made myself belief that the Reiki made it work faster, It did not.

I wanted to go to Reiki schools where I could learn to become better and heal others with the white light and myself and correct the negative and make it positive.

I used to stand with a crystal on a rope in the living room and I would check my energy and where there are bad spots, when the crystal moves a certain direction it either says no or yes, when it says yes you clean the negative spot of your energy by making rubbing movements in the area, almost like cleaning a Windom.

I used to belief that I was an elemental creature from the spiritual realm that incarnated into this world to justify to myself why I wasn’t fitting in or why I was a bit different from the rest, just to feel extra special and to feel some comfort to why I was insecure.

I believed in aliens and that they were more enlightened than us and that they were waiting for us to be on their level spiritually before they would interact with us and help us, I used to wait at nights for them in my room to just come and communicate with me, I even tried to communicate with them, no different that how I communicated with god, through talking to myself LOL.

I used to place crystals on my chakras to clear them up and I even tried to unlock my extra chakra, I tried/forced myself to see peoples auroras and the colors, when I really just made it up, because I knew I could make it up and tell people I have the gift now and that they have a certain color aurora and that a certain color means something and about them, so that I could manipulate people and feel needed and special.

I used to meditate and think about different realities and other thing that had nothing to do with the real world here just because I was board and really needed something else to do.

After a year or so I said to myself – Ok I have been busy with all these things for a while now, I have done as people say and I have applied the techniques and so forth, and all I have achieved with spiritualism thus far was how to pretend very well.

So I took a book one day to read – I could not remember what the books name was but it was blue and had a Flower of Life symbol on it of some kind, it was quite a square book. Inside the book the person talked about aliens and spiritualism, this person had made a discovery on how to unlock our full potential as human beings through meditation y looking at how spaceships were created by aliens and how they run them.

This guy basically talked about how we have a energy field around us that is like the shape of an alien spaceship running through the head and feet outwards and creating spinning energy field, and that he has discovered a way to meditate to unlock this energy fields and its potential and then how to use it.
Basically you sit down in the meditation position and you place your arms on the knees and you hold with your indication fingers the thumbs while all the other fingers show upwards.

Now this meditation requires one to breathe slowly and deeply, the whole meditation process to unlocking your energy field works in a 13 breathe count, and as you breathe and count you move all your fingers onto your thumb while counting to thirteen and then as you do this you should unlock your potential.

I was really going for this, I said to myself today is the day I will have a breakthrough, I cannot pretend my life away that spiritualism works, today it must work, and I sat down and I started applying this method of meditation to unlock my energy field around me and to expand it and to be able to use it, I placed my whole boringness into this, there was no mistake about it.

As I started I count and I breathed and I moved my fingers accordingly, and after a very long period of time I ended it, it was done, I stood up and I opened my eyes and I believed, I visualized and I fucking knew it was going to be the day I see some results, and there was a bit NOTHING, I took the book and I placed it down on the table and I walked away and that was it, I never participated in spiritualism again, I realized in that split second that it was going to be like that forever and that it isn’t real, it is bullshit, I already wasted one year of my life. FUCK IT, time to get real and here I am with Desteni and the Equal Money System – now this it fucking Real. Find out and visit the sites.

www.equalmoney.org
www.desteni.org

Day 181 – Memories the present kept imprisoned in the cells

continuation of Day 180

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any and all memories value and that they mean something and that they are special, not seeing and realizing that memories is simply the past and nothing more, and the past isn’t here unless I re-create the past through participating in memories and thus never moving forward and living life but only rewinding and replaying like a broken record.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how ridiculous it is to hold onto memories that only I have in my head and that I can see/look at and play with as if it is real and wasting time and only distracting myself from what is here as reality and to make myself a slave to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Trap the present in memories as prisons of pictures with energetic charges so that when and as I visit the prison cells as the memories are stored in the body in the cells, I can simply call the prisoner by its name and I will get a visitor/memory from the past that is either good or bad and I will get my energetic High from visiting the memory for a moment and then lock the memory back up, not seeing and realizing that I am over populating my prison and keeping it full – which cost energy and time and maintenance, instead of living here in and as the physical where everything is always here and no memory needed and thus no prison and not energy/costs/maintenance/time. And also not carrying the prison cells of memories with me everywhere I go is like taking a mountain of my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must fear letting go of memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must hold on to memories for some mental reason that has no actual physical practicality except for keeping us all in the past and repeating the past through living in memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to ALWAYS make memories more than the present, not seeing and realizing that within this I am making life shit for myself as I constantly compare the present with past memories and the memories will always win as if I am in a contest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I hold onto the past and memories and energetic experiences of positive and negative that I am subject to those energies as I give them value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I connect energy such as feelings/emotions that it can and will be used against me either for positive or negative and that I will be directed by the memory and fall for the trap of re-creating the past, instead of breathing and self directing.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself speaking or telling a story to someone to stop when and as I see that I am doing so from the starting point of praising the past.

I commit myself to when and as someone brings up the past to use it against me as my actions and words from the past to serve their self interest as their starting point for doing so, to realize that as long as I give the past value and an energetic charge then I will be impulse/moved and not be able to stand and breathe in the present here stable as what is here and to not be manipulated and controlled by the past as the past is within the past and NOT who I am unless I decide so, seeing and realizing that memories are only limitation and control and enslavement of the mind.

I commit myself to investigate this point more and to follow up on this point to write it more specific in the future with an actual event to give as context.

Day 180 - Defining myself as the past Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the past against myself when and as I talk about past events that I have judged as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I share past events with people to do it from the starting point of trying to share a part of who I belief I am to get approval/recognition from others as my past, not seeing and realizing that through this I am limiting myself and enslaving myself to the past as I place my past as a certain energy within others which then creates the feeling that I must now live as my past to make what I shared true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that when I am sharing my past with another being that I must do so with feelings and emotions to re-create the experience for the other to experience and to within this lock myself as the experience as the past and actual identifying and deciding who I am as the past in that moment, thus enslaving myself and limiting myself to the past through others eyes as the Ideas I have created within them as who I was in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I speak/share about certain past events that I have judged as negative/bad with another to not see and realize that within such a pact I physically take on the experience and only tell/confirm with myself that it is who I am and so repeat/time loop the past, instead of seeing and realizing that I am Here and the past is the past and to share the past must be done within self forgiveness and to let go so that the energy isnt transferred and corrupting myself and another if gullible, and to share from the starting point of what is best for all life in all ways as a physical sharing and not an energetic sharing that is like a poison to self and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge certain past events as negative and others as positive and tow within this Identify myself as the negative and positive energetic signatures based on past memories/events/experiences and to re-create the past as myself instead of correcting myself as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I talk about certain past events to attack a negative judgment to it, instead of speaking/talking about it as the past as what it is and to not re-create it here in the present as who I am, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to separate self from the past but to stand one and equal as the past without any judgments as positive or negative judgments and to within this learn from the past and correct self to live that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to share the good/positive stories of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to only have good memories so that I can only identify myself as the good memories, not seeing and realizing that for me to have judged certain memories as good I must already have judged other memories as bad, and thus when and as I desire to only identify myself as the good memories I already within implication identify myself as the bad memories as they are both supporting one another and thus enslaving myself within a constant battle of good versus evil as the past within me and thus creating an identification crisis, seeing and realizing that it is to self forgive the past as all memories and to remove all energetic charges from memories and to give to oneself what is here in and as the physical as breathe where Who I am is decided in each and every moment and not determined or limited or a slave to the past as memories, and to within this see and realize that who I am in all ways have always been LIFE as the physical here and that I have been/am hiding in memories to avoid facing the reality of what is here as Who I am as the reality of what is here and to take self responsibility and change to that which is best for all life in all ways.

To be continued.

Day 179 - The Salesmen in my Head Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the Mall/shops to fear that I will forget to buy something that I might need, seeing and realizing that as I walk around with this fear I will look at everything in the shops from the starting point of fear that I might be forgetting to get it and to within this create everything in the Mall/Shops as stuff that I need/require, not seeing and realizing that this is a irrational fear that is programmed into me from society and the Media as a child where I have always been conditioned with needing stuff that isnt really needed, as I can see that ancient people from long ago could live with barely anything we have today and still here we are, so why the fuck do we suddenly need more shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by irrational fear of LOSS when and as I am in the mall/shops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the mall to condition myself with rituals and patterns of buying stuff such as sweets/drinks/foods and other things within the Idea that going to the mall means MY TIME and within my time I deserve stuff for me, not seeing and realizing that this behavior accumulates at the end of each month where I would end up spending a shit load of money without noticing it, and to within this also not see that I ma in fact contributing to the destruction of nature as everything in the Malls/shops comes from the nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am at the mall/shops spend my money on random crap just because I have the Idea that it is my hard earned money and I MUST therefore spend the money on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am within what I am buying and spending my money on voting for a world that does not support a life that is best for all life, and that this behavior is psychoanalytically as I have no regard for all life but only my own and how I experience myself when I spend money on senseless shit that was made with no purpose but to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blindly spend money every time I am at the mall on the impulses that surrounds me as the shops are the temptations and to lead myself into temptation through participating in internal conversations/backchat and to always convince myself to why I need to buy it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my basics needs as a Human is really simplistic such as food/water/housing and that basic foods that support my body and water that support my body and a well functioning home that support me is all that is required and anything more is all self created beliefs of brainwashing and mindlessness behavior that was/is deliberate used by corporations to make billions and support a world of inequality and where our planet is raped for these needs/behaviors/patterns of each being voting for it all when purchased.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I buy something to not question my starting point as who I am within buying the product and if what I am buying is in fact real or just a energy satisfactory point of the mind that drains my wallet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to buy something to not question my motivations and why I am buying it, seeing and realizing that if I am buying something that isn’t necessary or in fact part of my survival that it is me being a brainwashed zombie following an energy feeling/emotion to satisfy something that isn’t real, and to not see and realize that this is how money disappears and how I get addicted to spending money on shit just to feel good for a moment and then my house/room is in a year of two full of crap and wasted, and to within this not see the GLOBAL effect it has on out one and only planet as this happens in billions of homes and then the shit get thrown away and ends up in our oceans and our soil and kills of billions of Life forms and that more must be made which requires more raping of our planet to take place just for that one moment we Feel like buying something instead of buying things that is in FACT required that is relevant to LIFE here in earth in consideration of ALL LIFE.

I commit myself to when and as I am in the Shops/mall to breathe and to consider what I buy within common sense and practicality and to not waste money on mindless spending where I sell things to myself in my head.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having to “think” and convince myself to buy something to stop and realize that I am in that moment making it up if I need it or not, because I realize that if it is in fact a need and necessary I do not have to think about it because it is a need, such as buying a drink as my body must have water, of food as my body must eat or to buy the things that I know practically help me function within the current system that is here and to not waste money on BS.

I commit myself to when and as I am in the Mall/shops to Breathe and to direct and move myself to get to point A and to point |B and to not give into temptation, as this is a clear indication that I am not deciding what I am buying but rather a feeling/emotion/thought that is the result of memory and thus part of the brainwashing/mind control.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself making things up in my mind that id based on Fear of missing something and not getting what I might need, to stop and breathe and to realize if it isn’t a practical point then I can let it go and stop the fear and realize I am here as simple being functioning in a complicated system, and thus my basic needs is simple and anything else that is required of me to buy to help me function in the current system is practical Till the system is changed to Equal Money system where all Life is supported from birth till death and all basic needs are met I must remain practical within what is here and not irrational fear motivation that lead to buying Crap.

Day 178 – The salesman in my head, Buying Crap Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am a product of Capitalism and that I will be a capitalist within my mind where I will sell other peoples products to myself through back chat and internal conversations as the result of brainwashing and pro-gramming from those that has gone before me, and to within this spend and waist money on random crap that isn’t practical or an actual Necessity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I was raised and programmed to make decisions that is always in my own self interest and that it is always connected to money, as I will make all decisions based on money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Spend money just because I belief that the product I am buying is going to save me money because it is on a special or cheap, not seeing and realizing that this kind of behavior and thinking pattern is what advertisers brainwashed into society and people, because the obvious thing to save money is to NOT buy the shit on specials.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me buying crap/shit just because it is on a special or cheap is from and as the starting point of fear, fear of not getting this deal again and fear of that i might need this thing I can buy now for cheaper somewhere in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the whole world is on specials and sales and good deals daily because the people selling knows that we are all living in fear and self interest and thus they WILL take advantage of it through manipulating peoples decisions with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go to the mall to literally Create things within my mind right there and then in the mall that I Think I need suddenly and make myself belief I do need it, not seeing and realizing that it is absolute brainwashing directing me, there might as well have been a TV in my brain with a guy advertising everything I see to me and making it sound and look good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that that everything that is created within Capitalism isn’t made for your best interest, it is made to make Capital plain and simple and through this everything is made and created to SELL itself in your mind in your secret thoughts and back chat and that as we humans are raised to only be pockets of money for the monster system, we will fall for it all, all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fool myself into thinking that the products that is within shops are there for ME to be able to live a life of value and worth, when in fact it is for me to make others worth something so they can have their values which is always money as the end result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that The SECRET MIND where each human being is always alone with themselves talking and scheming and gossiping and doing who knows what in their minds is the tool that is being used through advertisements to inception of ideas/beliefs/fears into the people’s minds so that when they make a decision to buy crap people will always think they made the decision, because it happened in their minds, not seeing that it was secretly in the open implanted, and since no one ever reveals their secret minds to others or themselves it is used as a weapon to create the ultimate consumers.

To be continued.

Day 177 – Addicted to buying Random Crap.

I wrote in my previous two Blogs day 175 and Day 176 about my room that is always dirty. I then cleaned my room this weekend and got everything in place so that I can function practically within my room/living-space and not waste time searching for stuff and tripping over stuff and obviously to put away stuff that can harm the animals or that will lead the animals into temptation to chew on it and so forth, and to prevent the consequences as we as humans have such a ability as our responsibility.


So within cleaning my room I have discovered that part of the “crap” and “dirtiness” in my room is random Crap/stuff that I bought a while ago, and now it is all just laying around and taking up so much space. That is really unnecessary, and when I look for things such as the screw driver in my drawer I have to first look and scribble and move my hands through things I haven’t used or seen or touched in months or since I bought it.

So this is something I have to question about myself and what the fuck am I doing and why am I doing this and most importantly HOW am I doing it, why do I have things in my room that I bought that cost money , it accumulates into a lot of money that I literally never touch or use anymore or really have no purpose for, yet I keep it all and still do it from time to time when I look at it.

When I take a simple example such as my desk that has three drawers in it, I see that I use only one drawer maybe once a day to take out my cell phone or wallet. BUT my drawer is full of Stuff and lots of stuff, I see a knife, and a knife holder and I see old cigarette holders and CD pouches and fishing equipment and games and random keys and key holders and pens and lazar lights and tape and a watch and lots of cables, and this is only one drawer I am describing, then I have my closets and other places in the room with stuff in it.

I have probably only once taken out something I need from the other closets I have in the room this year, yet there is a shit load of stuff in there.

If I have to go and take a careful look at how much money this cost me over time and how it is just laying there for years now, it will be quite a lot.

So I must investigate HOW I came to buy this.

Let’s take for instance the watch I have found in my drawer that has been there for over a year now, it has a alarm that goes off every night at 12 and it makes a beeping sound (not to loud) and I have never once even with the beeping sound not taken it out.

When I bought this watch I was in the mall getting cloths, mostly looking for socks. As I was standing at pay point waiting for my turn next to me was a stand, on the stand there was a lot of watches, and they were all cheap so to say – usually you buy watch for seven hundred to one thousand rands as a good quality watch – this watch was only fifty rand and it looked pretty good.
So as the price was “cheap” my mind immediately made up some GOOD reasons to why I must buy this watch – It is like corporations/companies don’t really need to sell us anything anymore – al they have to do it make something look good and cheap and then we sell it to ourselves, because we are enslaved to the mind and brainwashed with money we have voices in our heads that sell us other peoples products for us lol.

I remember standing next to the watch and going, you know it is cheap and I actually need a watch, because if I have a watch on my all the time and people ask me what the time is, I do not have to take my phone out of my pocket and then click the button and check the time, I can simply look at my arm and say – it is this time. And it is cheap and it looks good and not cheap, plus I work on a farm, I can leave my expensive phone in the room and rather wear the watch – twenty seconds later I have the watch in my hands and I am buying it.

As I got out of the shop I immediately placed the watch on my arm – I convinced myself it is a good watch and quite comfortable – just so that i should not feel bad about the fact that I just wasted my money, because the truth was, as soon as I put the watch on I was uncomfortable, the watch was hurting my wrist. When I got back to the farm and I started working with the watch it was only in the way and getting hooked on everything, and I got a rash on my arm. I got to the room and I took it off and forgot about it.

Now if I look at the whole HOW process within the mind and How it worked I will see it is a Pattern that plays out in everything else that I buy in that way. It is linked to money first and then the selling it to yourself part as your internal conversations that has a nice energy feeling that you create with it, so it must be good and the right decision, so I must do it.

And at the end of every month I will have the same question as always – where did my money go, and then we actually make ourselves belief we do not have enough money (for those that do have money) billions have no money, I am referring to people with money. It all went to random crap and most of it - you cannot see in objects because it was used in little treats here and there to spoil yourself because you convinced yourself you deserved a bit of chocolate or sweets or sodas or pizzas or movies or whatever there is – it accumulates if the addiction isn’t stopped.

Earth is the price to pay. we need to change our actual Life Styles to be able to change the world with alternatives.

I will continue on this in my next blog.

Day 176 – My dirty Room as Who I am Part 2

This is a continuation of Day 175 – My Room never stays clean Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make keeping my room clean an effort, not seeing and realizing that only the mind makes the effort in thoughts/thinking, while in fact in and as the physical it only takes one breathe at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I come into my room and I want to take off my jacket or shoes or socks to only be in and as the mind as the want/need/desire to get the cloths off and to within this follow an energy and only consider what I feel like, instead of considering the physical reality and how thins functions as a whole in my room and to within this just leave the cloths where I took them off instead of putting them away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that The fact that I do not know how my room gets dirty is showing to me that I am NOT aware in fact as the physical and thus I have multiple dimensional shifts in my day as I am living in alternate realities within my mind instead of in one reality as the physical that is here and that we all share where I can be effective and actually correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that it is too much work and time to keep my room clean, not seeing and realizing that IF I do all the small things in the moments that I am busy with it such as taking my shoes off and putting them away it is only a few breathes instead f leaving all the small things to accumulate and in the end have a piled of room that takes two days to clean and that I am actually manifesting wasting time through accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the mind as energy that isn’t in consideration of the physical reality as awareness and thus create a dirty room without even noticing it till I have to clean it, showing me that a snake could have been laying eggs in my room and killed me in my sleep and I would not have noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I am within my room by myself is showing me who I am within all thing I do and thus gives us all a world that is in deep shit equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that my behavior in my own personal space will not affect anybody else as it is in my space, not seeing and realizing that what habits/patterns/characters I create and entertain in my personal space is what I train to live out in the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my personal space within the realization that taking responsibility for my personal space is where the change starts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it will be too much of an effort every time I take off my socks and to put it in the basket rather.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justifications of why should I put this way now when I am going to use it in a while again, knowing that I do not know that for a fact and that in a while anything can change and thus I am setting myself up to create dementia for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification of “ I can put this down here it is in no one’s way” seeing and realizing that when and as I look for that something again it takes me ten minutes to find it, instead of having it on one place and I can find it instantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not keep my room practical and clean from the starting point of believing that I cannot perfect myself within it, and to give up before I have even tried – as I know that if I try I will succeed, and success means responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I am within my room to respect myself and my room within the starting point of doing what is best for all as I would like to be done onto me.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not directing and instead postponing to stop and breathe and to take that breathe and correct myself and move myself to keep my room practical and clean.

I commit myself to within the understanding of that Who I am determines what I do and that my room as my personal space is where the change/correction starts with self to from this starting point move myself and direct and to be disciplined as breathe and saying this is the line I have had enough, I am doing this for myself as that which is best for all life, as I see and realize that what I stop and what I accept and allow in my room is where I train myself and that it does have a direct effect on how/what I do outside of my room and so change the world starting with my room and applying it into LIFE.

Day 175 – My room never stays Clean!! Part 1

Every weekend on Saturdays and Sundays I clean my room – I sweep and I mop, I pick up a shit load of cloths from the floor and replace the bedding and I do the laundry, remove all the dishes and I wash them and I pack all the random stuff away and clean my desk and I do the parrot cages such as cleaning them, and I make my room neat and tidy so that it is practical to walk and live in. And after I am done I look at the room and I like it, it works, then Monday comes, and within one or two days it looks exactly the same again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I clean the room to have back chat within my mind of how dirty the room is, making statements within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comment on the dirtiness of my room within my mind to myself, instead of seeing within myself what actions I have taken within not being here as breathe as awareness to create a dirty/messy room, using the commenting as justification and blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that cleaning the room is useless as it will just look the same again as all messy and crap everywhere in a matter of two days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that the room can never stay clean and in “order” that works practically at all times, and within this acceptance not correcting myself in my actions that prevent the room from being a fucking mess again and not seeing and realizing that is it what I accept and allow within myself as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the room gets as messy and dirty within two days because of Patterns that I and my partner follow and do not correct and thus simply creating the same thing over and over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept such patterns as normal and harmless, not considering the consequences of daily living such as finding socks or looking for my jacket for ten minutes and not finding certain tools which waists time and only creates frustration and anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see all the cloths laying on the floor get mad as the basket is literally two meters away, not seeing and relating that I am only mad at myself from not taking that one second that one breathe that it did require in the moment to be effective and here in awareness as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself mad within participating within wants/needs/desires of how the room must look like in my mind and in reality it isn’t how it looks like and so get mad and to within this act out as not giving a shit till the weekend and not breathe and perfecting my every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I clean the room have a picture Idea within and as my mind of what the room must look like for it to be classified as being clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that it is not to achieve a picture Idea of what clean is, but to keep it practical and in consideration of all that has to come into my room and live within my room, such as parrots living in my room and they will chew on anything the can, and thus when I leave a jacket on the floor and they chew off the zip then I cannot get mad as I was/am existing in the mind where I did not within y actions consider all that is here such as placing my jacket in my closet and preventing costing myself more money to fix the jacket and from me reacting and getting angry as myself and projecting it onto the parrot as being stupid when in fact I am the responsible being that should have used my ability to respond before nay consequences in the best interest of all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see my Dirty room react with anger and being mad at myself with the back chat of “fuck me it is the same again, I Told myself it would be different this time and it isn’t” and to within that reaction not consider how I am re-creating a dirty room the whole time over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what is within my room and how it looks and how I take care of it is a reflection of who I am, showing me that who I currently am is still as the mind as I am living in the mind during my day where I disregard the physical such as my room and thus when I enter my room and take off my socks or jacket that I simply through it on the floor or over a chair, and that this also shows me how I respect myself as the things I wear that currently support me within this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my room is a reflection of my mind as my mind is living in my room, seeing and realizing that when and as I live in breathe in each moment I will consider the physical and not the mind as energy and thus throw my socks in the laundry basket or hang my jacket up or take my dishes back to the kitchen and wash it and throw the paper/rubbish in the bins as I will within and as breathe realize that it take only one breathe to do one more action that is best for all life, and that the mind will only live in the moment based on how one feels and thus act accordingly such as I want my socks off and that is it and throw them on the floor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that change start within myself and at home and so once change is sufficient and effective within self and at home change as the world will follow, and as my room is but a small extension of who I am and how I live in my room and thus reflecting my effectiveness and application as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I enter my room go into a state of mind that it is now my space and I can do what I want, not considering that even if it is my space I have to take care of my space as I would like others to take care of my space if they had to one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and consider that my room is a reflection of Who I am, and not as a picture but as a physical consideration of all points of myself as who I am determines what I do.

To be continued.

Day 174 – Postponing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have something to do such as replying to an email that I just got, to within my mind think “ I will attend this email later with a proper reply” as a justification to why I am not breathing and doing immediately just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I receive an email to postpone the email within using the justification of “ I will attend this email later with a proper reply” just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I receive an email to postpone the email just because I do not feel like it right now and to within this forget about the email and later on when I am reminded of the email again have the justification of “ It is to late now I will respond to the email tomorrow as there is still enough time” .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I postpone the first time that I have accepted and allowed within myself to see it as justifiable to postpone the email again and again and that my justification will seem only reasonable within and a my mind to fit how I feel, not considering everyone equally involved within the email and how it will affect them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not be able to immediately act and direct a point in the moment through postponement and where I tend to forget as the justifications become more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that postponing my emails is but one point that is visible within my world, and that this one point is only showing me that I am accepting and allowing it to exist within all areas of my life as self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within postponing things within my life through dragging it out and causing more stress and anxiety within myself through holding onto one point all day and for even many day that i must still get to it and that never get to it and thus create more thoughts and feeling that I am slipping away from the point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I get an email and reply to the email through breathing and being here that it is over and done and the point is directed and that is the end of the story.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I create extra tension and stress for myself through postponement and how I PILE things up in my life where something become neglected and comes back to kick me in the ass with consequences that I have to face and walk that takes even more time and effort, where it could have only been a few minutes long if I did not postpone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make postponement acceptable within and as me, not seeing and realizing that I am not just postponing myself, I am in fact postponing everything that it effects and LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acting in the moment and to within the fear rather postpone till I feel ready, not seeing and realizing that depending on how I feel can take up to a billion years, and thus it is to move and direct myself in and as breathe here and get it done and to prevent any consequences that is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things dependent on how I feel, not seeing and realizing that if I rely on a feeling to move and direct me that I will and might never get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow postponement within and as me and for me to be directed by how I feel that I am accepting and allowing it within others, not seeing and realizing that consequences of my actions and others, as I see that what if a doctor had to do surgery and me and he suddenly feels like not doing it and postpones rather – how would I like that?

I commit myself to when and as I see myself postponing to consider any and all outflows that is possible within my actions and to within that make a decision to direct and move myself that is not based on a feeling or fear or insecurity but to move and direct myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Day 173 – The Hulk in me.

Why do I enjoy the movie the Hulk?

When I investigate the point I see a specific energy within me that I connect to the movie when I watch it, this energy is power a feeling of being indestructible, and I enjoy seeing the hulk getting all powerful and strong and being able to do things that physically is impossible, and a power that isnt physically possible is unique and makes the hulk indestructible, bullets cant hurt him, bombs cant hurt him, nothing can hurt him and he just gets stronger and breaks free and keeps on fighting.

So here I investigate the point within myself of the fear of getting hurt, as the hulk is the complete polarity of this fear, and this is why I enjoy the hulk movie – he can simply become the hulk and not get hurt.

So this is the main point that motivates the other points to exist such as wanting to be indestructible and seeking power and being strong and to want to do things that is physically impossible for others as a way of feeling secured with myself.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Fear of getting hurt to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting physically hurt by other people/animals/objects/forces from outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fear of getting hurt to generate energy within and as me as a force of anger that I can use when and as I feel threatened and to unleashes the anger as a way of dominating with strength and power, not seeing and realizing that within this I harm others based on how I feel and not what is in fact here, as the fear of being harmed is created within and as my mind within irrational thoughts/backchat that I create and the act upon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Hulk feeling within myself where I generate energy within and as me to feel/belief and give myself the illusion that I have a hidden power within me that I can use at any time that I feel threatened by another and defend myself, not seeing and realizing that such a feeling/belief is an illusion and not how reality as the physical in fact works and that I am only setting myself up for abuse/harm if I act on this illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I feel as an energy within and as me isn’t strength as the physical, but an illusion of who I desire and want to be within and as the mind, and that when and as I act out this illusion from the mind within and as the physical as I feel threatened but others such and acting it out such as starting a fight, that I will Harm myself and set myself up for manifesting my own fear of getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge within the idea/illusion of myself within and as my mind as being able and capable of doing things like the Hulk just because I have a self righteous feeling of anger within me that I feel can explode, not seeing and realizing that it is just a feeling and not real, and thus if I act put on the feeling that isn’t in consideration of how things in fact physically work, I will abuse myself and only harm myself and hurt myself as I attempt to act out the mind energy within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself that what I see in a movie can be made real in life in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to gain physical strength as the hulk to be able to fight and defend myself when I feel threatened and to be able to harm other first before they can harm me, not seeing and realizing that within my actions as such that I am the only one harming and being the harm to myself as I physically harm others for something that exists within my mind as my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be super strong such as the hulk to be able to go against physical laws and to be able to be special and not to be fucked with by others, seeing and realizing that within such desires I am only confirming my fears and for them to exist and control my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of getting hurt seek power at any cost to prevent any harm to come to me as my own self interest, not seeing and realizing that this is the behavior of all humans in the world currently where everyone is fighting and trying to prevent any harm to come to them even if it means creating wars and killing billions of other people and destroying wildlife just because they seem dangerous and end up destroying the whole planet and harming everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of getting hurt harm others first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I give the fear of getting hurt attention through my actions that I am giving permission for others to do so as well and for the current world to keep existing as it does, thus realizing it is to prevent harm but not from the starting point of fear, to prevent harm for self from the starting point of common sense which will allow one to see how other and all life is currently harmed and thus instead of harming others first before self gets harmed to stop and look at a solution that is best for all life in all ways where no life is harmed and no one has to ever be harmed to not harm such as the Equal Money System solution.

Day 172 – giving Courage to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I lack courage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define courage as something that has to be done that is always life threatening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that courage is is to push through and breathe and to move self where self never thought self could go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that self change would not require me to push through and that I must give to myself the courage to push through.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am less then courage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that for me to must have courage to push through point means that I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that courage is something I am born with, seeing and realizing that courage is what I give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear courage as I belief that when courage is required that there is a point of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that courage is when I am faced with myself at a point of change as that which is best for all life where I have to make the decision to birth myself as Life and to walk the decision.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give courage to myself within walking my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give courage to myself within walking this process of absolute self change as that which is best for all life in all ways within the understanding that what I am doing is against all my programming and limitations and fears and to stop them all and that is has never been done and that this will require courage to breathe and move and direct myself through points physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am faced with a point and it is to easy and that I did not have to give myself the courage to breathe and push through the point, that I have in fact not walked the point as myself entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that doing things with courage means it will be easy, seeing and realizing that courage is when one has made the decision no matter what and to walk it and to face what ever might come as self and breathe and to always do what is best for all life.

I commit myself to give to myself the courage to walk my process of re-birthing myself as life and to instead of turning a blind eye or walking away to stand and to breathe and face who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and to walk the point in and as breathe and to rebirth myself as life as that which is best for all life.

Day 171 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 3 Final.

Day 169 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 1

Day 170 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of anticipation to exist within and as me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe and make the experience real within me of expectation when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that anything I experience within myself while walking my horse is real, seeing and realizing that what I am experiencing within me while walking my horse is in contradiction to the reality of what is here and thus only self sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within believing that the experience of expectation is real within me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage my Breathe and stability through accepting and allowing any thought within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself thought accepting and allowing a thought to continue within and as me and to give it attention and energy build up through back chat and thus create an experience within my body that only sabotage myself from what is here in fact as reality as what I experience is always in contradiction to what is here and thus giving away my ability to respond and instead become reactive where my actions is that of survival and within self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Follow thoughts within the belief of that they are real – seeing and realizing that all my life I have only followed thoughts and to trust thought even if they are always wrong and to within this realize that thoughts are in fact not real and CAN be Stopped in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create memories out of events from which I create thought and thus connect positive or negative to these thought and to within this create characters and experiences that become automatic within my behavior and to define myself according to the past events/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I experience something such as anticipation with walking my horse that It means I must define myself as the experience through the reasoning of “because I experienced it, it must be who I am” not seeing and realizing that The experience is NOT who I am as reality shows me that what I experience is never what is here in reality and thus can not be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Validate experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I Divine myself according to an experience that is enslavement and FUCK myself within it as I make myself subject to experiences instead of Breathing here as the physical where I can move and direct myself freely as breath as that which is best for all LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel powerless within stopping any and all experiences I exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a negative energy charge of that I will never be able to stop the general FEAR that I exist as that is always keeping me as the limited me that I have always known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my horse and the dog is only amplifying with sound the general experience of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as, as a slave to fear/stress/anxiety/anticipation and to never step beyond and live and Be here as Breathe as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the animals are supporting and assisting me within my process within birthing myself as life as that which is best for all life, and that I have blamed them for my experiences not seeing and realizing that they are only showing me who I have become as a slave to the mind as experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I first accept any experience as who I am that I will always allow it, and thus it is to stop the acceptance and to breathe and bring myself here as breathe and to always realize that experience isnt real at ALL ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall fr the trap of how I experience myself must be who I am, not seeing and realizing that I am in that moment making it so, instead of breathing and realizing myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear and experiences as ways to not take self responsibility yet I hate experiencing myself as fear and experiences where I am controlled by them and thus I see and realize that I have to decide within myself to take full responsibility and Breathe and to stop the MIND and stop mining my body for energy to create experiences I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that experiences are set in stone and thus I see and realize that it is just a belief and that I an in and as breathe release myself from the chains of these experiences and realize myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breathe as a way to not experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the wanting to stop any and all experiences from the starting point of not having to experience what I have accepted nd allowed as self abuse.

I commit myself to when and as I am within an experience to Breathe and look at who I am within stopping the experience and to clear myself of any starting point that is within self interest and to breathe and stop and change the starting point to that which is best for all life as who I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I have and experience within me of fear/anxiety/stress/anticipation to realize that it is NEVER real and to give myself breathe instead as LIFE as that which is best for all life.
I commit myself to when and as I am feeling “stuck” and “trapped” within and experience to realize it is NEVER real and that it is okay to let go of it and Breathe.

I commit myself to see and realize that any and all experiences are NOT real when and as I face walking with my horse and or any other situation/moment in my life and that I can let the experience GO and to hold onto any experience is but self sabotage in fact and not WHO I am in and as the physical as life.

I commit myself to STOP myself when and as I see that I am going into an experience and to Breathe and to realize in Fact that any experience isnt real and now who I am, as any and all experiences is of the past from memories and thus not who I have to be in the present as I define who I am in each Moment through what I accept and allow, and to instead give myself BREATH and rebirth myself as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself giving any or all thoughts acceptance to stop and realize that i am accepting them and thus giving them permission to direct and control me unless I STOP and breath instead.

I commit myself to Give breathe a chance as I see and realize that all my live I have only given thoughts/experiences chances and it has only led to suffering and pain and shit upon shit and where I experience most of my life as FEAR and stress and anticipation of abuse, and thus To breath.

I commit myself to stop justifying thoughts and experiences through using external influences as to why I am experiencing myself the way I do and to take self responsibility as Breath as that which is best for all life.

Day 170 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 2 Self forgiveness.

Read Day 169 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 1 to get the whole picture and to see where the Sf comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we reach the fence line where the dog is at to have the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” and to then go into the back chat of “the god damn dog barks every day”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the thought come up within me of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to go into the back chat of ““the god damn dog barks every day” to divert the attention of the fear existing within and as me of the thought towards the dog being the fault/cause for my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we get to the fence line where the dog barks to go into thoughts about the dog and what the dog will do and what can happen and to then react and create fear within and as me and to then participate within back chat as a response to the though that keeps generating fear/anxiety/stress within me of what Might happen – Instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger ” to come up within me and to NOT stop it that I am giving fear and reactions permission to direct me as the thought contains the past experience as the memory stored within me that I now relive/re-create in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what will happen when we walk the horses at the fence line of the neighbors farm where the dog barks and storms up to the horses, seeing and realizing that anticipation is when and as I have given a thought and back chat permission to Possess me as energy, and thus I become jumpy and reactive within myself and towards my horse which gives my horse the signal that something is wrong when there isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that anticipation is a state of where I am constantly projecting a thought that generates fear/stress/Anxiety of what might happen or not and thus I am already experiencing the even within myself of what might happen as the fear becoming true, seeing and realizing it is to stop such a thought through realizing that it is NOT real and to breathe and be here as breathe and to deal with what ever happens in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must have a thought of what Might happen when and as we walk at the fence line where the dog barks to Prepare myself and to prevent what might happen, seeing and realizing that to prevent anything from happening I must first stop my own inner delusions based on fear and then to focus on the physical and practically deal with the point instead as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the thought I have of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” is me accessing fight or flight mode and that this Possession I take on will be seen by my horse and thus he will also go into fight or flight mode and become a even greater danger that what it might be if something were to happen, as fight or flight mode is purely self interest and survival and not in consideration of what is here and how to deal with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When and as the Horses freaked out the first time we crossed the neighbors fence line where the dog strikes to have judged the scenario as Bad and as negative and to within this have created a desire of what I prefer to experience as Calm and no problem and no hassles – and thus not seeing and realizing that as I have created a Positive Idea of what I want to experience instead I have created Fear towards experiencing the negative and that this now creates friction within me of what is happening in reality towards what I desire in my mind, and so stress myself out in fear of facing reality, instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desired play-out within my mind of what I want to experience when walking by the neighbors fence where the dog barks that is literally in conflict with what in fact happens, and thus creating thoughts/anticipation/fear of the negative as the not desired experience and only making it worse when and as it happens where I react and get angry and just want to Control everything in fear of not having my desired experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Just before we go to horses in the morning, to already have the thought of “ Seeing the dog barking at the horses and anything can happen” and to have the back chat of : Ah Oh man The dog again” and to within this create the rest of my morning where we walk the horses in a negative energy as anxiety/fear/stress towards that moment I have already projected in my mind happening and to Physically posture and act in ways towards my horse and others in a polarity mood as being positive and stable and ready for anything as a way of attempting Manipulating myself and to suppress the stress/fear/anxiety I have for that moment to come – instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I have that first thought in the morning, to forgive myself and to STOP the thought that will stop all of the other out flows as thoughts/backchat/fear/anticipation and to BREATH and be here and work with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear what Horses can do to me when and as they get a fright.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the dog for barking every-time when we walk by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am only angry at the dog for barking because of how I am reacting and experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am angry at myself for feeling powerless to stop the dog from barking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger toward the dog as Blaming the dog for how I experience myself in that moment as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time the dog barks have the back chat of “ I knew the dog was going to bark today” as a way of Justifying why I did not stop that first thought in the morning and why I had all the fear/stress and as a way to confirm my anticipation, seeing and realizing how this keeps the cycle going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my horse when and as he reacts and where he tries to run off or run over me due to the back chat I have about my horse while I walk him as him being stupid and silly and ridiculous for reacting and being afraid of the dog, not seeing and realizing that I am actually saying that to myself as I am the one being ridiculous/stupid/silly for reacting and being afraid of the dog and to then as my horse freak out to Take it ALL out on him as a way to not to have to look at myself and who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Place my Fear as my horse, so that when and as something happens as we pass the neighbors farm and the dog barks to be able to Blame the horse for How I reacted.

To be continued.

Day 169 – Anticipation walking my Horse Part 1

For the last couple of months we here at the farm have been taking our horses to one of our neighbors farms where there is lots of green grass that they can eat, while our fields have a rest and can get some growth going.

Going to our neighbor’s farm requires us to take our horses out of our farm and into a “wild” zone, which is a space where there is open road. It is fine taking the horses in the wild zone as they are quite cool walking with us and there is a agreement between us all.

When we approach the Neighbors farm there is just this one little point that I face every day, this is when we get to the fence where we have to walk our horses as it is the only option, there is a dog, now she barks every single day.

This dog does not simply Bark and bark and bark, OH NO!! She is REALLY specific; I haven’t seen a dog that specific. In the beginning she only barked, the horse had Frights and was alarmed and jumpy and we calmed them down, over a couple of days the dog realized she cannot frighten the horses or us anymore through regular barking.

So she became clever, really clever – it is like a fucking scary Movie sometimes – the dog has learned how to SCARE the horses and the Humans using her environment.

On the fence where we have to walk with the horses there are bushes growing over and in-between the fence, to create a bush wall so you cannot see the house so to say, and along size this fence on the other side there is a lot of dead leaves from these trees/bushes – Now the dog has learned that she must not be visible once we come to the neighbors farm and once the first horse or the second horse has entered the fence line with the bushes trees in/over it she starts Running!!! Really fast and very quiet, sometimes you can hear a panting, but hardly, and then you suddenly hear these dead leaves cracking and moving and this very aggressive growl Barking straight at the horse next to the fence, sometimes even hitting the fence.

If you know horses – they are Big and they scare easily for anything “new” and they go into fight or flight mode quite quick – it is their natural behavior so to say, if they had to live in nature and a lion was stalking them and attacked, they require force and speed to get away quickly and/or a way to quickly attack.

So the first time this dog did this, the sneaky way! My Horse and a couple of other horses got big frights. Titan my horse the first time, Bolted forward and as I tightened my grip on the lead he turned around and then reared halfway up, then he was in Fight or Flight MODE – this is where they are Blind and deaf to your words and only concerned about themselves, it is dangerous, they breath really deeply and suddenly stand as tall as they can, it looks as if Horse can double their size suddenly in the fight or flight mode.

I had a Rush of adrenaline/energy/anxiety/fear/excitement/stress/concern fuck whatever you name it within me in that moment and afterwards only fear of what can happen, I breathed and calmed myself down first, it was almost instantly and then I got Titan next to me and it was fine. I was still a bit shaky from the energetic experience; I knew I was going to have to look at this point within myself.
So for the next couple of Weeks probably most of the time we go there, this Dog does this every time, she makes it seem like she isn’t there and that it will not happen today and that everything will be fine BAM!! She hits us.

I have created a lot of anticipation within myself since the first day it happened in fear of what Might happen, Titan gets away on the open road with a lead on and break his neck, or he just runs away and gets hit by a truck, who knows, Or he runs me over and break my back or my leg or he rears up and cracks open my skull. There are so many possibilities.

The Dog has had months now to get used to us, and She has – and that is why she is still coming after us, we still react and have energy and backchat and all this inner bullshit within us while we walk there and because of that she/the dog is getting a kick out of it to see us react. Because we are creating it lol.
How do I know this – after a couple of months there I have worked and breathed and Self forgive myself while walking on the points and I have actually stopped the anticipation many times, there is a very fine line between having the anticipation and not, it takes one thought.

Now your horse can SEE that one thought/energy reacting in/on your body and the horse which is following You will act as the leader act and React as well/Still after a couple of months – so everyone was supposed to already have gotten used to everyone but it seems we haven’t. so this is where I started questioning myself.

Here is how I got to this point – many times when I walked by the fence now I am completely breathing and calm and not even thinking or anything of the dog I am direct here walking with my horse – and when that dog comes, which you never expect – me and Titan/horse are not reacting at all and we just walk.

But this does not always happen even if I am calm, Titan has had many scares and me to, but I take one breath and direct and Titan follows immediately, it is like he forgets he had to survive and just breathe with me and walk on because I was assertive and trusted myself and did not follow ANY energy , and yes we are a group, and in the group there are many people and thus many horses, so when the person/horse in the back react or in the front or me it will have a chain reaction.

And today I saw something– I have been thinking that I was the one walking my horse and helping him work through his reaction of the dog and his fear and that I was being stable for him only.

I was wrong – because today the dog came at me and Titan and I did not even hear the panting or the leaves, the dog just barged right into the fence with this demon growling and then barking, and my horse was as solid as a brick, he did not move – I on the other hand was bending my head down with my right arm lifted up towards my horse and my arm was moved up and down in motions as to block my hose that wasn’t even blinking from running onto/over me LOL.

So I saw in that moment myself and how sad it was, I said thank you to Titan for being stable and showing me that I was in the mind participating in future fear/projection and creating energy/anticipation within me and that I was making the fear HIM. While I was the one with the fear acting out while I presented myself to him all the time as being more and being the “human” the stable one and being superior – I was just lying to myself and blamed Titan just not to look at who the fuck I am and that it is NEVER personal unless the Human makes it so. The horse won’t.

To be continued.