Day 171 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 3 Final.

Day 169 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 1

Day 170 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of anticipation to exist within and as me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe and make the experience real within me of expectation when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that anything I experience within myself while walking my horse is real, seeing and realizing that what I am experiencing within me while walking my horse is in contradiction to the reality of what is here and thus only self sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within believing that the experience of expectation is real within me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage my Breathe and stability through accepting and allowing any thought within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself thought accepting and allowing a thought to continue within and as me and to give it attention and energy build up through back chat and thus create an experience within my body that only sabotage myself from what is here in fact as reality as what I experience is always in contradiction to what is here and thus giving away my ability to respond and instead become reactive where my actions is that of survival and within self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Follow thoughts within the belief of that they are real – seeing and realizing that all my life I have only followed thoughts and to trust thought even if they are always wrong and to within this realize that thoughts are in fact not real and CAN be Stopped in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create memories out of events from which I create thought and thus connect positive or negative to these thought and to within this create characters and experiences that become automatic within my behavior and to define myself according to the past events/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I experience something such as anticipation with walking my horse that It means I must define myself as the experience through the reasoning of “because I experienced it, it must be who I am” not seeing and realizing that The experience is NOT who I am as reality shows me that what I experience is never what is here in reality and thus can not be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Validate experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I Divine myself according to an experience that is enslavement and FUCK myself within it as I make myself subject to experiences instead of Breathing here as the physical where I can move and direct myself freely as breath as that which is best for all LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel powerless within stopping any and all experiences I exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a negative energy charge of that I will never be able to stop the general FEAR that I exist as that is always keeping me as the limited me that I have always known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my horse and the dog is only amplifying with sound the general experience of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as, as a slave to fear/stress/anxiety/anticipation and to never step beyond and live and Be here as Breathe as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the animals are supporting and assisting me within my process within birthing myself as life as that which is best for all life, and that I have blamed them for my experiences not seeing and realizing that they are only showing me who I have become as a slave to the mind as experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I first accept any experience as who I am that I will always allow it, and thus it is to stop the acceptance and to breathe and bring myself here as breathe and to always realize that experience isnt real at ALL ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall fr the trap of how I experience myself must be who I am, not seeing and realizing that I am in that moment making it so, instead of breathing and realizing myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear and experiences as ways to not take self responsibility yet I hate experiencing myself as fear and experiences where I am controlled by them and thus I see and realize that I have to decide within myself to take full responsibility and Breathe and to stop the MIND and stop mining my body for energy to create experiences I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that experiences are set in stone and thus I see and realize that it is just a belief and that I an in and as breathe release myself from the chains of these experiences and realize myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breathe as a way to not experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the wanting to stop any and all experiences from the starting point of not having to experience what I have accepted nd allowed as self abuse.

I commit myself to when and as I am within an experience to Breathe and look at who I am within stopping the experience and to clear myself of any starting point that is within self interest and to breathe and stop and change the starting point to that which is best for all life as who I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I have and experience within me of fear/anxiety/stress/anticipation to realize that it is NEVER real and to give myself breathe instead as LIFE as that which is best for all life.
I commit myself to when and as I am feeling “stuck” and “trapped” within and experience to realize it is NEVER real and that it is okay to let go of it and Breathe.

I commit myself to see and realize that any and all experiences are NOT real when and as I face walking with my horse and or any other situation/moment in my life and that I can let the experience GO and to hold onto any experience is but self sabotage in fact and not WHO I am in and as the physical as life.

I commit myself to STOP myself when and as I see that I am going into an experience and to Breathe and to realize in Fact that any experience isnt real and now who I am, as any and all experiences is of the past from memories and thus not who I have to be in the present as I define who I am in each Moment through what I accept and allow, and to instead give myself BREATH and rebirth myself as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself giving any or all thoughts acceptance to stop and realize that i am accepting them and thus giving them permission to direct and control me unless I STOP and breath instead.

I commit myself to Give breathe a chance as I see and realize that all my live I have only given thoughts/experiences chances and it has only led to suffering and pain and shit upon shit and where I experience most of my life as FEAR and stress and anticipation of abuse, and thus To breath.

I commit myself to stop justifying thoughts and experiences through using external influences as to why I am experiencing myself the way I do and to take self responsibility as Breath as that which is best for all life.

Day 170 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 2 Self forgiveness.

Read Day 169 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 1 to get the whole picture and to see where the Sf comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we reach the fence line where the dog is at to have the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” and to then go into the back chat of “the god damn dog barks every day”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the thought come up within me of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to go into the back chat of ““the god damn dog barks every day” to divert the attention of the fear existing within and as me of the thought towards the dog being the fault/cause for my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we get to the fence line where the dog barks to go into thoughts about the dog and what the dog will do and what can happen and to then react and create fear within and as me and to then participate within back chat as a response to the though that keeps generating fear/anxiety/stress within me of what Might happen – Instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger ” to come up within me and to NOT stop it that I am giving fear and reactions permission to direct me as the thought contains the past experience as the memory stored within me that I now relive/re-create in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what will happen when we walk the horses at the fence line of the neighbors farm where the dog barks and storms up to the horses, seeing and realizing that anticipation is when and as I have given a thought and back chat permission to Possess me as energy, and thus I become jumpy and reactive within myself and towards my horse which gives my horse the signal that something is wrong when there isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that anticipation is a state of where I am constantly projecting a thought that generates fear/stress/Anxiety of what might happen or not and thus I am already experiencing the even within myself of what might happen as the fear becoming true, seeing and realizing it is to stop such a thought through realizing that it is NOT real and to breathe and be here as breathe and to deal with what ever happens in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must have a thought of what Might happen when and as we walk at the fence line where the dog barks to Prepare myself and to prevent what might happen, seeing and realizing that to prevent anything from happening I must first stop my own inner delusions based on fear and then to focus on the physical and practically deal with the point instead as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the thought I have of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” is me accessing fight or flight mode and that this Possession I take on will be seen by my horse and thus he will also go into fight or flight mode and become a even greater danger that what it might be if something were to happen, as fight or flight mode is purely self interest and survival and not in consideration of what is here and how to deal with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When and as the Horses freaked out the first time we crossed the neighbors fence line where the dog strikes to have judged the scenario as Bad and as negative and to within this have created a desire of what I prefer to experience as Calm and no problem and no hassles – and thus not seeing and realizing that as I have created a Positive Idea of what I want to experience instead I have created Fear towards experiencing the negative and that this now creates friction within me of what is happening in reality towards what I desire in my mind, and so stress myself out in fear of facing reality, instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desired play-out within my mind of what I want to experience when walking by the neighbors fence where the dog barks that is literally in conflict with what in fact happens, and thus creating thoughts/anticipation/fear of the negative as the not desired experience and only making it worse when and as it happens where I react and get angry and just want to Control everything in fear of not having my desired experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Just before we go to horses in the morning, to already have the thought of “ Seeing the dog barking at the horses and anything can happen” and to have the back chat of : Ah Oh man The dog again” and to within this create the rest of my morning where we walk the horses in a negative energy as anxiety/fear/stress towards that moment I have already projected in my mind happening and to Physically posture and act in ways towards my horse and others in a polarity mood as being positive and stable and ready for anything as a way of attempting Manipulating myself and to suppress the stress/fear/anxiety I have for that moment to come – instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I have that first thought in the morning, to forgive myself and to STOP the thought that will stop all of the other out flows as thoughts/backchat/fear/anticipation and to BREATH and be here and work with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear what Horses can do to me when and as they get a fright.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the dog for barking every-time when we walk by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am only angry at the dog for barking because of how I am reacting and experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am angry at myself for feeling powerless to stop the dog from barking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger toward the dog as Blaming the dog for how I experience myself in that moment as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time the dog barks have the back chat of “ I knew the dog was going to bark today” as a way of Justifying why I did not stop that first thought in the morning and why I had all the fear/stress and as a way to confirm my anticipation, seeing and realizing how this keeps the cycle going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my horse when and as he reacts and where he tries to run off or run over me due to the back chat I have about my horse while I walk him as him being stupid and silly and ridiculous for reacting and being afraid of the dog, not seeing and realizing that I am actually saying that to myself as I am the one being ridiculous/stupid/silly for reacting and being afraid of the dog and to then as my horse freak out to Take it ALL out on him as a way to not to have to look at myself and who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Place my Fear as my horse, so that when and as something happens as we pass the neighbors farm and the dog barks to be able to Blame the horse for How I reacted.

To be continued.

Day 169 – Anticipation walking my Horse Part 1

For the last couple of months we here at the farm have been taking our horses to one of our neighbors farms where there is lots of green grass that they can eat, while our fields have a rest and can get some growth going.

Going to our neighbor’s farm requires us to take our horses out of our farm and into a “wild” zone, which is a space where there is open road. It is fine taking the horses in the wild zone as they are quite cool walking with us and there is a agreement between us all.

When we approach the Neighbors farm there is just this one little point that I face every day, this is when we get to the fence where we have to walk our horses as it is the only option, there is a dog, now she barks every single day.

This dog does not simply Bark and bark and bark, OH NO!! She is REALLY specific; I haven’t seen a dog that specific. In the beginning she only barked, the horse had Frights and was alarmed and jumpy and we calmed them down, over a couple of days the dog realized she cannot frighten the horses or us anymore through regular barking.

So she became clever, really clever – it is like a fucking scary Movie sometimes – the dog has learned how to SCARE the horses and the Humans using her environment.

On the fence where we have to walk with the horses there are bushes growing over and in-between the fence, to create a bush wall so you cannot see the house so to say, and along size this fence on the other side there is a lot of dead leaves from these trees/bushes – Now the dog has learned that she must not be visible once we come to the neighbors farm and once the first horse or the second horse has entered the fence line with the bushes trees in/over it she starts Running!!! Really fast and very quiet, sometimes you can hear a panting, but hardly, and then you suddenly hear these dead leaves cracking and moving and this very aggressive growl Barking straight at the horse next to the fence, sometimes even hitting the fence.

If you know horses – they are Big and they scare easily for anything “new” and they go into fight or flight mode quite quick – it is their natural behavior so to say, if they had to live in nature and a lion was stalking them and attacked, they require force and speed to get away quickly and/or a way to quickly attack.

So the first time this dog did this, the sneaky way! My Horse and a couple of other horses got big frights. Titan my horse the first time, Bolted forward and as I tightened my grip on the lead he turned around and then reared halfway up, then he was in Fight or Flight MODE – this is where they are Blind and deaf to your words and only concerned about themselves, it is dangerous, they breath really deeply and suddenly stand as tall as they can, it looks as if Horse can double their size suddenly in the fight or flight mode.

I had a Rush of adrenaline/energy/anxiety/fear/excitement/stress/concern fuck whatever you name it within me in that moment and afterwards only fear of what can happen, I breathed and calmed myself down first, it was almost instantly and then I got Titan next to me and it was fine. I was still a bit shaky from the energetic experience; I knew I was going to have to look at this point within myself.
So for the next couple of Weeks probably most of the time we go there, this Dog does this every time, she makes it seem like she isn’t there and that it will not happen today and that everything will be fine BAM!! She hits us.

I have created a lot of anticipation within myself since the first day it happened in fear of what Might happen, Titan gets away on the open road with a lead on and break his neck, or he just runs away and gets hit by a truck, who knows, Or he runs me over and break my back or my leg or he rears up and cracks open my skull. There are so many possibilities.

The Dog has had months now to get used to us, and She has – and that is why she is still coming after us, we still react and have energy and backchat and all this inner bullshit within us while we walk there and because of that she/the dog is getting a kick out of it to see us react. Because we are creating it lol.
How do I know this – after a couple of months there I have worked and breathed and Self forgive myself while walking on the points and I have actually stopped the anticipation many times, there is a very fine line between having the anticipation and not, it takes one thought.

Now your horse can SEE that one thought/energy reacting in/on your body and the horse which is following You will act as the leader act and React as well/Still after a couple of months – so everyone was supposed to already have gotten used to everyone but it seems we haven’t. so this is where I started questioning myself.

Here is how I got to this point – many times when I walked by the fence now I am completely breathing and calm and not even thinking or anything of the dog I am direct here walking with my horse – and when that dog comes, which you never expect – me and Titan/horse are not reacting at all and we just walk.

But this does not always happen even if I am calm, Titan has had many scares and me to, but I take one breath and direct and Titan follows immediately, it is like he forgets he had to survive and just breathe with me and walk on because I was assertive and trusted myself and did not follow ANY energy , and yes we are a group, and in the group there are many people and thus many horses, so when the person/horse in the back react or in the front or me it will have a chain reaction.

And today I saw something– I have been thinking that I was the one walking my horse and helping him work through his reaction of the dog and his fear and that I was being stable for him only.

I was wrong – because today the dog came at me and Titan and I did not even hear the panting or the leaves, the dog just barged right into the fence with this demon growling and then barking, and my horse was as solid as a brick, he did not move – I on the other hand was bending my head down with my right arm lifted up towards my horse and my arm was moved up and down in motions as to block my hose that wasn’t even blinking from running onto/over me LOL.

So I saw in that moment myself and how sad it was, I said thank you to Titan for being stable and showing me that I was in the mind participating in future fear/projection and creating energy/anticipation within me and that I was making the fear HIM. While I was the one with the fear acting out while I presented myself to him all the time as being more and being the “human” the stable one and being superior – I was just lying to myself and blamed Titan just not to look at who the fuck I am and that it is NEVER personal unless the Human makes it so. The horse won’t.

To be continued.