Day 482 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 3

To follow what I am writing about, red the previous two part on this blog.

Day 480 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 1
Day 481 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 2

Last time I ended with the following –

‘To be continued, next blog I will share more on how all of this led to the greatest shame and regrets I have ever experienced and how facing myself and what I have done within playing the games revealed a different side to life, as an agreement with myself and another”

Consider, this is from my view, and my reality and everything that comes from my reality and everyone in it, different countries and different cultures will have a different look to it, and one might not see the connections from reading my blogs, so investigate your own life, your past, and see where sex was in the pursuits of relationships. Sex will always be found.. we ignore it sometimes to make the deception look even greater, some will even be the most patient but when that moment comes, the opportunity is taken.

So now from my two previous blogs one can see what is happening, what is underneath relationships it is lust, two people desiring each other, two people playing a game, starting at/from a young age, for me it all started in the year I turned sixteen, sure for some the game is completely different, yet the games for sex are played.

Now one can only imagine that if your one and only starting point to have a relationship is sex, how that starting point in itself is abusive, it is harming another human being.

For instance in my case, and all my friends that I knew, we would stop at nothing to get a girl that can give us sex. Even though everyone in my friends group were different personalities and we all had different approaches and we all had different looks and styles, we were all playing the game for sex.

It all looked so different from the outside, how each one was playing their game, just a little bit off and different than the guy next to them – because each guy plays the game according to what he can play, looks has to be taken into consideration, physical design must be taken into consideration, what is in your brain as intelligence has to be considered, your socio economic background or current status has to be considered. And then according to all that there is a certain market for you (the guy).

So in my sixteen year in high school I hooked up with my first relationship, where me and a girl were now officially a couple. This was different than just being free with any girl, which was my play from the beginning, but there was no luck with these hook ups, not even once, because girl’s want to first get to know you, well the girls I tried to hook up with.

This got really frustrating, because here I have so many girls that liked me and that was into me but none of them is willing to go where I as a guy wanted to go, see I didn’t realize at that time that this was how girls played the game as well, they are like traps lol. When you talk to them and hear about them they are someone else, but when you go for them, they are now suddenly not what they seemed, and sex is out of sight.

So with my first girlfriend I had an expectation, first of all I wondered now if she has had sex or done anything sexual before, because I haven’t at this stage yet. I just started my game, developing myself and the skills I have been developing over the past few years in high school.

So my first relationship with this girl was very weird, I lied to her about everything, I told her that I have had sex, that I have had BJ’s and I have told her lies that was crazy, I did all this in the hope that I will not seem like a loser, and that she will feel pressured to now give me sex, after two months of dating her I went on a camp with a friend of mine, at this camp there were a lot of girls at the swimming pools and just laying around, they were there with family but obviously looking for fun.

Now I am not a cheater, but my friend that was with me didn’t give a shit, he went ahead and hooked up with a girl, and he told me to also do so, his family told me I am young and must enjoy myself (in other words cheat) – I was anxious the entire time, because as my friend was hooking up, there were other girls looking for a hookup as well, and here I was, just standing there not making any moves.

Then I saw this one girl, and after seeing her I started hanging out with her, and we kissed, and I officially cheated, I have kissed a girl that I met in a few hours and befriended sooner than my girlfriend that I have been with for two months.

After this camp, I broke up with my girlfriend, and didn’t say anything about the cheating, and I then started dating the girl I cheated with, we dated for two months, and in that time we made out the French way for hours on end, but that’s where it always stayed, so one day I visited a friend’s house, and at his house his sister was throwing a party, so there was a lot of other girls, when night time came, I hooked up with the one girl, and whala, more than just kissing on the lips happened, shirts and bras were off, and only underwear was on, but then the girl stopped me, because she also had a boyfriend.

Then after this, I broke up with my girlfriend and I didn’t go for the other girl, she was/is committed to this guy (and they are still together today) – I just realized that with one night stands/cheating I get closer to sex than in a relationship.

After this I dated about 6 more girls, some I dated at the same time, and while dating these girls I had flings with other girls on the side, for the next year up until almost the end of my grade 11 year, I did this, cheated on each and every girlfriend – testing and running around from one girl to another, waiting till just one of them will have sex with me. Leaving each girlfriend after two months to move on.

At the end of my grade 11 year I was giving up, I wanted to have sex before I turned eighteen, I was considering prostitutes, I was willing to take money out and pay, just to get over the sex point just to get it out of my system and to then keep having it.

I bulldozed many women, picking them up with LOVE and words and actions and then just dump them after two months, like taking a person on a balloon ride, and then popping the balloon and just me jumping out with a parachute, because to me I never cared about the girls, I never considered them at all, my lust and desire was the only thing running me, leaving broken women behind in my trail, because they truly “loved” me – as I made it that way, as I used love and building deep trust in girls to hopefully then get sex, and then suddenly one day, BOOM, break their lives apart, in the meantime I was also doing what was called cybersex and cyber cheating, I had hundreds of girls/women pictures on my phone, from with cloths on to naked, and half of people I knew in real live.

And I just moved on with NO guilt, with no human consciousness at all.

The soul mate.

Yet even doing all of this I still did not get sex – Then I met this one girl at an athletic event at our school one day, just by random events, she was with a friend of mine and I went to sit down with him (because I just saw him, and there was this hot girl next to him which didn’t make sense), but not long after everyone was gone, and it was now me and her sitting there and talking, being really cool friends.

We exchanged numbers, and when it was getting really late we only separated, we talked for hours, in those hours we have gone through ALL the questions a partner can ask in a relationship, and answered them. I have never in the past with past girls been that comfortable with a girl that quickly.

We immediately wanted to meet again, she said that she was going to the mall with a friend to watch a movie, and I said ”me too!!’ but to drink with my buddies, and we arranged to meet up and just say hi and talk, as I was waiting at the restaurant with all my eight other friends drinking, I just sat there waiting to see her, when I did see her I jumped and ran, then stood still right in front of her and gave her a big hug, she just smiled and said, I can’t stop smiling seeing you here again, I felt like a kid around her, she left to go watch a movie and I went back to my friends.

We chatted for hours every day on our phones, sharing every small detail and just being involved with each other, what we started at our first time meeting just continued the same, it didn’t become something that had to be kept alive, we were just natural in being with each other over the phone and what we talked about,

Day 481 – From Relationship to Agreement Part 2

Read Part 1 of this Blog Day 480 to get a full perspective and what I am sharing.

Where I left off “This is where I am now going to start explaining my character that I had and how I took on this point within the types of relationships I built and created for the one purpose.
To be continued.”

Also, to get a perspective on some of the points I am talking about, watch the movie LOVE ROSIE 2014, showing how it starts as a lifelong friendship and ends literally with sex and bow after years of fucking around finally committing, because there was simply no more options, to have a stable sex life and money.

So it is really no secret, it is really nothing new, we are self-interested human beings, we enjoy using other humans for our own purposes. We color it up in all kinds of ways, it always looks so genuine and real when others are with us, yet underneath it all, it is about sex and/or money.

This is what I realized at a young age, when I was sixteen, I saw the games the older kids were playing, and what adults were playing, I saw how all the games work people play with each other.

I knew at that age and within that stage of my life I was really curious about what is real sex? I have seen porn already, I have seen others relationships and my friends telling me all their stories, and I really got curious.

I started investigating what is it that makes people tic, what is it that gets girls to have sex with guys, and what guys want and expect from girls.

Since I had a nice big group of friends, we were about 7 guys and 7 girls always hanging together in high school. I got really comfortable with all the girls in the group. We always joked and laughed and we always enjoyed each other’s company.

But I knew that the girls was there to get the acceptance of the guys and the guys allowed it to get something sexual from the girls, perhaps not directly, sometimes yes, and other times girls attract more girls.

So Money at this stage wasn’t an issue, we had parents, so all we did all the time was looking for sexual things, through the people we socialize with and the friends we bond with the best.

Let me also just mention how I am using the word friend within these blog posts – anyone you meet becomes a friend first and then from there on it is decided something else of the same, see why friends after school disappear! Because either you already scored, or nothing happened and possibly never will (sexual). So what’s the use of the person after a few years after school. Money wise you are still secure, so no need to look at those friends, unless they still benefit you in some way such as money, and your money gives you sex.

I started asking weird question to the girls, no one else in my group or the other groups has even thought about simply asking girl’s questions and getting answers, we always believed we have to play a game, keep it secret and expose it in a polite way that doesn’t seem so evil and self-interested, make it look like caring and LOVE (coming to the love point later, it’s a home run point, score with that card!!)

I started asking girl’s what is it that turns them on about guys, I got really strange answers back, always a giggle and a weird look and then I kept on pressing the question, I manipulated through looking and sounding innocent to get them to want to teach me, so first lesson learned, girls like to teach boys things. Always sound innocent and like you have no clue, even if the truth is you have no clue, use that to manipulate to get something.

I got my answers, girls are attracted to HOT guys from magazines, which you will not find in your current environment, girls are attracted to older men, who has money and is well dressed, because it shows security, girls are attracted to men who LOOKS like men lol, and so many more other answers, these are but example.

I asked question like, do girls masturbate? This was a though one, but at least two girl’s in the entire group admitted it, when the rest was denying it, and I asked if it is a regular thing or just a once in a while, turns out they masturbate to every guy that they find handsome, like in a fantasy, in other words porn.

I had two close female friends (of which both relationships ended with something sexual (not sex though)) – as it was my intention and that’s why I kept them so close and had such a strong “friendship” bond with them, it always turns out weird as it started out with manipulating. And just a fantasy, those friendships are now lost. Because they have no more purpose.

I used my friends in the group to decipher women and sex , I used my female friends to see what it is that makes them go all crazy, and what is the motivations behind it, this led to a great deal of research for me for myself, I have knowledge and information now to play the game. Most men probably learn this through doing it, I prepared beforehand. Because I was insecure and afraid.

So the character I took on was the Romantic player/bad boy – this is the character that girl’s seemed to be most attractive to, a mysterious guy that does bad boy things yet when you meet him it is as if he is this gentle friendly caring guy, always something mysterious, missing, and the only way to find out what that is, well to get involved in my life.

Now I am specifically saying character, because it isn’t real, it is pretending for the purpose of sex, but this pretending has to be made real, so I actually became a bad boy, doing all the things good students don’t do, smoke, drink, dress tough but in style, hang out at all the cool places, and have a shit load of friends to look popular, which was hard work but it pays off.

So my key in getting sex was to befriend girl’s quickly, become a friend first, and then from there on take it further, the most easiest was long term friends but not the most frequent (those you got at parties and all kinds of hanging out places), friends from the past, but they were usually used for practice purposes, and the one real friend that you liked since kinder garden, that one you save for last, once you have already done all your testing and destroying of other people’s lives. Because at an older age you have to now consider a permanent sexual life and stability with money, with one partner, and this is where old friends can always be a good option once all the other ones don’t work out.

And in modern days it was so much easier, we had cellphones and computers, we had chat sites and we had/have cameras everywhere, so you can meet someone once and learn to know them more through the new technology, how much better to deceive and to pretend, and then meet in person where the real stuff happens. it isn’t real because it is basically two Idea/opinions coming together and now the energy has to be released that was created in suspense over a period of time just chatting and promising and selling each other to each other.

This is where I played my game the best.. With technology. And in real life even better, chats sites became like practicing grounds, the messages the pictures and all kinds of things to deliberately create energy within each other to have an outcome of sex.

There were a few simple things that gets a girl hooked on a guy. I took these things into consideration daily all the time.

1. Come forth as mysterious, it works like a bomb.

2. Pretend to be a bad boy but at the same time a good guy, girl’s just like excitement. And you must be both, stability and excitement, what a deal.

3. Be different than the other guys, I deliberately always made my hair black (it works) and I always made it stand crazy, like I got out of bed but somehow made it perfect, I was the only guy making a lot of jokes, good jokes, get a girl to laugh and feel like she is enjoying herself with you all the time, even though you know it is pretending, but I pretended all the way till there was something coming from it and then the pretense wear off and you have two real people sitting with each other, what now? now things are getting real and this si where relationships then go side ways in comparison of how it started.

4. And then the other one, always Listen, no matter what, listen, girls love it when a guy listens.

5. Make really good remarks on the girl that makes her stand out above all other girls, even though it’s all lies, and even if they are true, it is being said for the purpose of getting sex, either way.

6. Make sure you have a story to tell the girls, like you kissed them in your dreams, it means you as the guy are dreaming about them, thus the girl feels special and wanted and like its magical, having such stories and telling them as real or even if they were real is a killer, girls will jump a guy just for that.

7. Promise… a lot of promises, good future promises, make the future bright and how it revolves around the girl and how your future already includes her no matter what, or how it has been including her, since you were young you have done everything for her she just never knew. Tell these lie and be this dishonest and manipulative and you will get far with your one goal. But the consequences are far greater.

8. And here is the killer game, pretend or ignore a girl, but always be a friend to her, always be there for her, always make it seem like you are just a friend, she will start falling in love with you secretly and develop this over a period of time, while you as the guy just sit by and wait. It will come out one day and whala. Goal achieved.( it takes two to tango)

These are but mentioning a few still, there are many ways form a guy’s side, and hopefully showing girls something too.

Girls are not innocent in any of this, take that into consideration, they know it and they know it’s easier for them, because girls know a guy just wants sex, so before they give sex they want to hear a lot of things, or get a lot of things, then they give sex, unless it’s a secure women, a confident women, they can jump any guy and satisfy the moment – one night stands, yet that’s not real confidence, it is a form of hiding and suppressing, releasing self-judgments and energy by going to extremes, fear of commitment and so forth, which then is just the opposite of confidence actually.

To be continued, next blog I will share more on how all of this led to the greatest shame and regrets I have ever experienced and how facing myself and what I have done within playing the games revealed a different side to life, as an agreement with myself and another

Day 480 - from Relationship to Agreement Part 1

It is about time I share this part of my process, the part where I share about my Agreement. I haven’t really shared much about myself in relation to my Agreement and my partner and what I have faced within the agreement, in detail and with context.

After seven years of walking an Agreement /relationship (it isn’t a relationship, but I am saying to give reference for those not familiar with what this definition of Agreement means) I can for myself and for many others out there suggest, an agreement is the way forward, not relationships as we know It now.

If you want success and If you want to live in a house where there is stability and where the house isn’t divided between itself, then this is the way. I will within the following blogs which will follow in parts, share with the reader a long journey that is still being walked today.

To share this journey and the evidence of what works, I first need to share some of the past, not to compare the two, but to see the change that has happened, and how important it is to change the way we perceive many aspects of current relationships just so that we can see why they have not been successful and why the world is the way it is.

Remember, all relationships in the world affect the world, unhappy families, happy families, stable families, deceiving families, pretending families, I mean we have them all, and they make up the earth, Millions of them.

This is why what I am about to write about is so important and to be read and taken in with NO mind, I don’t want to hear about have an open mind, the mind is the first problem, it is the only problem we have, the mind is us, it is our tool, yet we have made it our master, then the first problem is us actually, the mind is but our creation and we love its energy/addictions, I will come to this later.

What I am about to write isn’t new, it isn’t news, it isn’t uncommon, it isn’t the best material out there, it is literally what everyone knows, just no one wants to admit it, and even if people admit it, they either enjoy it or they deny it., like if people admit it they will go ahead and play the game as players, if they deny it they will play the game as the majority of the population.

Our lives revolve around Money and Sex, simple as that – we are all born into a world where we need money unfortunately, and we live in a world where sex is unfortunately abused to extreme levels, so none of our first impressions on earth are healthy, I mean the reason for me being here isn’t because it was planned, I am here because of someone’s else’s desire for sex, and because there was money to raise me, I am here today typing this blog.

Men are driven by sex, women tend to be driven my seeking acceptance/validation and thus getting that through sex, not all are driven by the same points, that’s why it seems so different, but it all had the same one point in common.

Sex and money aren’t bad, neither are they good, it is what we make of literally, yet this isn’t truly understood, in fact I didn’t understand this at all, I have always been inspired by random events to decide my live, I have in the past relied on random events to decide for me what I must accept and allow in my life as relationships.

Take this for example: I am/was a 16 year old boy going to school every day like the rest, I do not yet have any care in the world for money as my parents are taking care of that, so once one of the equations of life as Sex and Money is removed – then obviously only the other is left, in this case it is sex. So as a sixteen year old I am obsessed with sex, just like every other person in school, we are all basically sex bombs waiting to explode.

But society does not allow it as we are all under age and not responsible yet, but we have been ready for years before the age of sixteen, so some are holding it till they are eighteen and some are holding it in till they are married, most are doing it way before the “appropriate” time, and this isn’t uncommon between humanity, we are all aware of it because we did it, we were there, we saw it and did it.

Now with a bunch of horny kids walking around ins school keeping it cool and burning inside, we keep everything to ourselves, because how we experience ourselves inside ourselves wanting/desiring sex seems like it is only us, everyone else are quite and focusing on school stuff, not saying anything, except boys, we boys like to “joke” and hint a lot, it is what we do as boys/men (programming).

Now, how at this age, between thirteen and eighteen can a kid in school get sex? Well there are MANY opportunities, just play the game called relationships, not relationships as in two people being together, that’s one dimensions, I mean relationships as in the people you know, or simply the people that are around you, get to know them, get to talk and get to become friends or connected in some way, this then forms a “bond” – this bond can remain as friends, it can go into friends with benefits, it can go into one night stands, and it can go into a relationship, but it’s always the people from your home place.

And we all know we do all these things and efforts with the intention for sex, no secret about it, yet we pretend about it, we are just friends, we are just connecting as human beings, we are just connecting because we enjoy people, but unfortunately, we have just one thing at this age and stage of our lives on our minds, which is sex and we are now also realizing that only within relationships can we get the best sex, because then you have another person that is there all the time, no more effort needed, and sex is available. Otherwise you got to go out and play the other games.

So now we start deceiving ourselves to make the game more real, to make the pretending look like it is real, we don’t want the other person to know that we only want sex, because what will that tell them about me, or tell me about them? It will mean we are then self-interest fuckers only after our own desires and interest and don’t actually care.

So we put on many different characters to hide the sex desire, we hide the lust, we hide the urge that has been kept in for so many years, which isn’t real, it is actually just the mind, and as we know our minds can change any time so nothing makes it real, yet our lives, society and everything around us is making money off selling sex, so we are bombarded by it, we are talking about it, we are thinking about it we are talking to ourselves about it, we are fantasizing about it, we are watching porn, we are making porn, we just have sex around us all day all the time, and we can only get the real thing and find out how it is for real if we can get another person to agree to having sex with us, so how do we do this?

We get a relationship, once again, not talking here about the just two people together kind of relationship, all kinds of weird relationships existing, and we now want to achieve with these relationships, one simple thing, to get another person to agree to have sex with us..

This is where I am now going to start explaining my character that I had and how I took on this point within the types of relationships I built and created for the one purpose.
To be continued.

Day 479 - What to write about.

In this moment I am within a certain point that I am walking, I walk points all the time, till they are done or time loop, preferably till they are done. But I have found that I mostly walk the same point over and over, I may push through a point, but then the next layer comes along, I am dealing with eighteen years of layers, forgiving myself and moving forward living what’s best for all life.

So when I take a point on I take it on, I walk the point till I have pushed through, I never give up on myself no matter how difficult it gets, because I know in the end who I am, it’s the preprogramming that isn’t me that I have accepted and allowed myself to be me, so I have to take self-responsibility for my own creation.

Now I want to write about the points I am walking, sharing it, yet I have already written about it many times before, and this is where I go into self-judgment about me writing it again, maybe I will just repeat the exact same, but what I am taking for granted is, this time around it is different, It is the same point but a different layer.

And even if it wasn’t a different layer, I must not judge myself, I must do it for myself and write it out, even if I write about the exact same point a million times, I know that once I am done I will definitely understand the creation and ending of such points lol.

For instance, this in itself is a point; did I see that till I wrote about it? No, thus write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for writing about the same points over and over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself when I see it is the same point again and to not write about it, thus keeping it the same point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dis-empower myself within not writing about a point because I believe I have already written about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my writing and creativity and to rather go into the creepy mind and stay there as my limitations.

Day 478 - I am a South African

Yes it is true, I live on a continent called Africa, and I am in a country that is based on the southern tip of Africa, I was born in this country and I was raised in this country, I have the language of this county and I have the cultures of this country, I also have the personality of this country because this is where I was born.

All my life I have been proud to be a South African, I have held this nation within me as MY COUNTRY, I felt honored to be here, I used to watch sports where we compete against other countries and I would scream and be all hyped up for OUR COUNTY, my country to win, because if my country win I can say even with more PRIDE that I am from this country.

Over time I took on a personality, a character that is SOUTH AFRICAN – this is quite interesting, because there are many types of characters/personalities within South Africa, due to us having such a wide range of races living here, each race having their own back ground and each race within our/their races having different cultures and religions, yet there is an overall personality of an South African that we all have in common, it is a beingness, it is the substance of the people living in SA that is of the same.

I am a Caucasian, a white young man living in South Africa, I grew up after Apartheid, so I do not know the struggles, and I do not need to know it, yes I must be educated about the past to not to repeat it, but I do not have to know it, that’s why Mandela did what he did, so that I do not have to know it, live it, experience it and be a fresh new beginning for all humans.

And this is where I am about to make my point, I may be of South Africa, this may be my birth location, this may be the land that I grew up on, but I am not actually a South African, because I could have easily been born in China instead of here, or in America, or in Russia, or in any other country, and then what?? Then I would be a Russian, or a America, or a Chinese, or a European and then I would have had a personality/character of that country, the same as I have one now of South Africa.

So what makes my South African personality so unique or so special, or my culture or religion, if it could easily have been anything else just because of where I was born or could have been born, a complete different family or race or culture and that would have been me then.

So I have come to realize and see for myself everything within me that I value as a South African has to change, the starting point within me for why do I want to be a South African, why do I want to label myself as that, as that personification that I add to my nature/character (the attribution of a personal nature or human characteristics to something nonhuman) that comes with it.

What if my country got destroyed today and I had to move somewhere else, who would I be then? I can’t claim I am a South African then, South Africa is non-existent then.

There are so many point that I as a South African can look at myself and who I am and how much of who I am comes from the idea/belief/opinion of my country and how I have shaped myself according to those ideas/beliefs/opinions, and to within this I can see more weaknesses within me or strong points, and I can see how many of them are simply a result of the idea/belief/opinion I have of my country, and because I have valued myself, and defined myself and affiliated myself as my country thus I am now subject to all these things that isn’t ME, or who I am, yet at this moment it is who I am, because I have accepted and allowed it to be so, to be so natural.

It is quite a limitation within itself – I have over the years met dozens of people that come from other countries and cultures and races and I have spent months with these people and even married a specific one ; ), and it turns out we are all exactly the same, till it comes to talking about countries, it becomes a comparison, it becomes a competition, it becomes very interesting, how each one is naturally defending their country and making their country their own, divide and conquer is truly a weapon of mass destruction, it is imbedded within each of us, our country, our nationality – we can leave our country for many years, we can be away for as long as we like, but deep inside there is a program laying in waiting to fight for your country.

But I have found within myself quite a change regarding this point, because I have stopped participating within all the “normal” cultural events and TV, for the past seven years, it has opened me up to truly develop myself as a human being instead of a South African, and I have come to realize that there are so many negative things attached to each and every country that people take on as their own, as if being born into a certain country means you must be this or that, or the people in your country are placed into a stereo type definition, and now me as my country have to fit into that stereo type of person.

MY country is so though, my country is dumb, my country is intelligent, my country is uneducated, my country is poor, my country is rich, my county is sophisticated, my county has the best people, my country is uncool, my country is better than your country – here I am mentioning things we all have in mind at some point, and we take those generalizations about our countries or others and we make it part of ourselves, of our actions, of how we interact with others, and this is a limitation, it is within boundaries of who we can be, image the world as one.

So I suggest for us as a human race to overcome all the problems we face culturally or in religions, or within races or within any other things that separates you from the world, to let go of it, you were simply born into the country, into the body into the cultures, into the religions that you are now and could have easily been anything else if you were born somewhere else, and by this self-honest common sense reasoning let go off the separation of countries, of people of races or cultures and religions and realize, it isn’t you, you after death is what remains. And I can guarantee it’s none of what we are fighting for so strongly now as our limitations.

I am from South Africa, its a saying of reference, not a statement of who I am. I love South Africa's weather and the nature and the environments of nature and the sun are all references and likes, not who I am. I want to live here because it is fun here, it is joyous here sometimes, those are statements of preferences, not of who I am, who I am must be able to live anywhere and be the same, as death will be our final destination. did we live as one and as equals will be our test, did we manifest a life that is best for all life, those will be the things we take with after death as who we are.  

Day 477 – investigating self- Postponement

What does it mean to postpone, what is postponement, let me start at the beginning of what I have lived as postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone living and being utmost potential through not applying myself within the most basic and simple tools such as Breathing, and to postpone the physical action of focusing on my breathing because I want to rather focus on what I have been living and giving my attention to for the past two decades which is the mind and thus as my limited potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I cannot right now do this, live my utmost potential, as I still have to focus on so many other points first, and to within this postpone what is here as me as my utmost potential and thus rather focusing on all the problems and all the things I still make myself believe I have to walk through before I can be my utmost potential, and thus creating all that I make myself believe that I still have to walk through before I can be my utmost potential an excuse and thus a postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use postponement as a reason for me to not to have to do something right now just because I have a bead feeling within me regarding what I have to do right now that is here, and to create many reasons and excuses that seem relevant and real (even if I really just pull them out of my ass) through using the physical reality and creating “real” points that will not really bloc me from doing what I can do just so that I can protect the feeling within me that is negative, and not having to go to this negative feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what is here and that I can take responsibility for and to limit myself just because I have a bad feeling on my belly about something that is within my mind, a specific secret fear that I am not sharing with anyone, because it is so small within me that I fear even mentioning it will make me seem weak and small, so I rather postpone what needs to be done and make up so many excuses as I fear doing what needs to be done now by me can reveal this fear to others and mostly to myself, where I experience it within me consistently within doing t5he task at hand, my it be talking to a person, or cutting the grass or doing a phone call for business, or writing this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what is here to do as a point that requires a response from someone to move and with me being in the current position to respond to take self-responsibility I will rather not do it right now and postpone till another time when it fits me or when I am feeling that the moment is right, the moment isn’t right now, it is wrong now, so I must wait till how I experience myself within myself change and then I can do what needs to be done, but by that time it’s to late and the moment is gone and the point that needed responses in the moment has not lost its universal connection of possibilities, it is now contaminated by postponement and the flower that didn’t get its water but a day before is now dead the next day, so the room stink up, the bees has no food, and the sun has nowhere to send its ray to, and the only reason the flower didn’t get its water is because someone was to busy sitting on the couch in fear of missing a TV show for the life of a flower.

THUS

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I postpone something within my day I am not just postponing what needs to be done, I am postponing a universal movement, a movement that has to do with more than just me, it has to do with the proce4ss of LIFE and where all life is inter connected, and the moment I postpone even the simplest moment I am harming many other connections/relationships that reality consists of consistently and thus postponing the process of life and helping those that has no idea of this process and or can do nothing about it due to their position in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish within my actions within the ignorant belief that what I do effects only me, and that I have the right to only do things when I feel like it, never considering, within a business, within a relationship, within a family, within a community and thus within this world, everything I do or do not do within every aspect of my life that is interconnected to all life, like throwing a pebble into a pond, or not throwing it, are we creating or waiting, and what are we creating or what are we waiting for, either options is creation, just directly or indirectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my postponement is a side effect of who I am – it is me as a product and on the label it says, side effects may be postponement of using this product, created over time by all aspects of my life, and thus I can see that this who I am can be changed through the fact that I accepted and allowed this who I am now to be, so I can undo it and create myself as my utmost potential, which will be a product of life, one that functions as and for life, no postponement is possible because my movement is who I am, not a side effect of how I feel or think, but what is here, what is practical what is best.

Examples lived,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone eating food during the day, due to me being within the mind within a consistent state of stress and worry about what I need to do and getting to it, and to within this tire myself out before I can ever get to doing what needs to be done because my body is tired and does not have energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone going to bed at night due to worrying about time and not having enough personal time to get to personal things that I would like to do and to within this end up going to bed to late and struggling to wake up, thus...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone waking up when I hear my alarm within the through of I did not get enough sleep and to within this get to work to late and thus not having enough time to eat and to get to supporting my body properly from the get go and to have an effective day within moving myself and thus going into stress.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone getting to the actual movement of my day once I have done all the planning and all the small things that requires to be done within the morning, such as doing the phone calls and the emails and the trips to appointments and making my life prosper within self-movement due to now lacking energy and being stuck within an anxiety where I have rushed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone taking actions within my life to correct my consistent errors that I am aware of yet continue falling into the traps, due to me wanting to hold on to some personal points of self-interest such as having my time at night, instead of making that clear cut decision of going to bed at a certain time to get that six hours of sleep in to be able to wake up early and to have a breakfast and to support myself for the day physically and to move myself and direct myself instead of being trapped within energies and emotions/feelings that is the consequences of my actions that I did not direct and take self-responsibility for due to postponing, saying I will correct it tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, I will get to it tomorrow, I am still okay, I am still fine so I can start with it tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone my life and to not direct my life to be the best potential that it can be so that I can life the best of my potential and still discovering myself within the process.

Day 476 - What are you waiting for?

This blog is inspired by a song from Nickelback called what are you waiting for. The first time I heard this song was while I was driving in the car a couple of weeks ago, It was a regular day like any other, doing what I do, but what I do has a higher purpose , and I have been walking this process of living/doing what’s best for all for seven years now, and it is has been quite a journey.

I can say within walking a certain Journey for many years has brought very interesting point to light within me and within the world we live in, especially changing how I live, changing who I am through applying myself in all ways within living a new set of principles, principles that previously in my life I have never even thought of even one of these principles as being possible, I had to be introduced to these principles and through my own application I saw for myself that they in fact work as what is best for all life.

Now within seven years of walking a journey to a new life, and re-birthing myself as new life, and thus expanding myself to do whatever I can this life, as I only have this one life, to apply myself in all possible areas to bring about a world that is best for all life, I have faced dozens of challenges.

The biggest challenge I have ever faced within my Journey, my process, IS ME. My mind and my patterns and who I am has been the greatest challenge of all, I have walked through so many layers over and over within myself. I have wondered sometimes when will this end, when will I stop the fear and the patterns constructed within self-interest (fear) and start living and start standing and moving things within the world and get things done, the things that matter to all life, so that we can change this world to what is best for all this life, I don’t have a next chance, it is now or never.

As I was driving in the car, with heavy traffic all around me, thus driving slow. I decided to turn the radio on to see if there is any news or a song that’s actually worth listening to. And with my surprise the radio presented announced that there is new song they are playing today from Nickelback. NOW I do not like Nickelback, so as I was focused on the traffic I did not switch off the radio as I wanted to do, and this new song started playing.

At first it did not sound like the usual Nickelback song, so I turned up the volume and started actually LISTENING to the words of the song, and within a minute I was in tears while driving, the song has triggered some hidden emotional buildup within me that I have been aware of, just never focused on the point and dealt with it properly.

I got emotional and did not suppress the point, I embraced the moment to actually see what is here as the point, since I wasn’t willing to look at it myself and something external had to support me to see what’s here.

While I was in tears (not sobbing or anything, just tears rolling down with my mouth doing that funny trembling thing), I felt something opening up within me, a realization.

The realization was – WHAT AM I WAITING FOR – this point of not trusting myself, not standing one hundred percent in confidence within myself within pushing what I know it real, not fearing falling but doing it, not fearing mistakes and to be willing to believe in myself, to make it happen this life, there is only this life.

I have been stuck in a BIGGER pattern hat I did not want to look at, the pattern was the seven years that has already gone by, this patterns is the pattern of time, the test of time, who I was and who I am here, why have I given up within myself halfway, doing everything halfway, why did I stop believing in what I KNOW WORKS for a fact and that is best for all life, why did I go into this waiting mode, there is truly no excuse, I am here to LIVE my life, my life is the purpose, the dream of a world that is best for all life. And I will never quite this dream, because it is real, and not a fantasy, I am living proof of this dream that can be for everyone, so what am I waiting for??

The song made me question myself, the song simply said many times, what are you waiting for, and the opening up within myself was – I am waiting for myself to actually live, to express and to be true to what I stand for.

And the tears was a forgiveness of what I have been allowing as my mind as ALL the excuses and all the fears and all insecurities and all the self-judgments, the excuses are always based on mind points, never real, not real physical things. And I even made real physical things my limitations which can simply be viewed differently with changing my perspective and overcoming the limitation to move myself to not go into a waiting lethargic state.

It has been a couple of weeks and the realization is still in action, I am living, I am breathing I am moving, I am learning and making mistakes and learning, I am moving past fear of failing, this live it the one life we have to make a change, I alone cannot do this, but as a group we can accomplish anything, as long as we are not waiting.

Please listen to the song and get perspective.

Day 475 – Where is my Life Force?

Tonight I started writing this blog from a negative point of view, I did not slow down and I did not breathe to even notice what I was doing automatically. So I did slow down and I did breathe, I took that step after I did not take it, I deleted what I have already written and I really took a look at what am I doing right now, who am I within my mind at this moment? I noticed I was in a negative judgmental state about myself.

It is, as if every time I am assessing myself in the present moment I do so by taking my entire life, my entire past, but only all of that which is negative and bring it HERE and I place judgment onto myself, and then from within doing so I am actually placing this mountain on my shoulders, and then after I have done that I now feel I have enough to write about, I mean just LOOK at all the things wrong with me. Now I have good writing material.

I wanted to write about where is my life force – and tonight I want to write about where my life force is, I am going to write about me and my life force, instead of me and nagging about where is it, why do I not have it – because I am actually looking at it that way within my mind, so that is all that I can see, ignoring ALL my of me, denying myself as LIFE force here.

I am here, regardless of my form, I am here, in living or death, I am here, I am the life that surrounds me and that I am, I am not separate from anything here, the force of LIFE is who I am. I have not yet realized this or lived it at all, yet I am pushing myself within a process of rebirth, and as we know giving birth is a though and painful thing, taking acre of a baby can also be very hard. Yet in time, in breathe it is done eventually, we don’t know when – but I am making peach within the fact that it will be done I simply continue pushing till it’s done.

Pushing with the flow and directing the flow, not pushing as in forcing anything, to force something as I have been shown is to go against what is here and works at this moment and will only end up harming and breaking.

I have been pushing myself for the past few weeks beyond limited thinking patterns that has been conditioned onto me or by me, about how I must act or behave within or about certain topics or scenarios or events, and I have taken myself into the point of creation. Let me give an example.

Three nights ago I did not get much sleep at all, due to Cesar (my son) not sleeping well during the night due to teething and going through a lot of pain, my wife did not get much sleep either, even less than me, yet the next day I had to go to work – so in the morning I woke up very tired and a bit late, within this I felt stress coming up within me as I had to be at the office already for our usual morning meeting – this was me following my usual thinking pattern and how I must experience myself within it all.

As I go to the office I sat down and I had to wait for the others to arrive, so it turned out I wasn’t the latest – in that time I just sat there and breathed, in the moment of breathing I took my entire day within me and I could already see how it was playing out, me getting tired and feeling shitty all day, not being able to focus or take in all the required information and act upon it.

Within seeing this I decided that it isn’t necessary, because I can see it it means I can change it, I decided that I will instead experience myself differently, in fact I will decide for the rest of the day how I experience myself – thank you very much, and this did not mean that I now have to avoid or ignore or sidestep certain people, it meant that I took the responsibility of how I experience myself within me and I made it my own, as it is.

So during the day my situation changes, people change and where I am change and usually all these changes influence how I experience myself, in other words how much life force I have, because I have connected life force to how I experience myself. And every time thing change I would notice how I go into the reconditioned thinking patterns and experiences, but I made the decision to decide how I experience myself, so each time I took the moment and I decided for myself.

Eventually the day turned out okay and that night I was only able to go to bed at 12:30 pm, because I did not start my day off with a memory of the night before or let it influence my day or who I am, I stood in each moment new and breathing, even if the predetermined thinking took over for a while I eventually moved and directed myself out and stood as my own directive principle.

I am still doing this within all areas of my life, till I stand as the only thing moving me.

For instance – I make an agreement with myself – when I go home I do not turn up at home tired, I am alive and awake to participate with what is at home, and this agreement has been quite supportive and how I participate within/during my days, because it makes me re-evaluate what I am participating within as who I am, is it the mind or is it HERE as the life force that I am.

Day 474 - Insecurity and Part of my Story Part 2

continuing from day 473 - insecurity and part of my story part 1

In my previous blog I gave a brief example of how I have come to realize my insecurity within me through certain events happening within my environment.

Now I want to touch on the point of what is here with me now as insecurity. Something off topic that I would like to share as well.

When we accept and allow any feeling/emotion or experience within as true and valid, we don’t just accept and allow that feeling/emotion or experience as just that, we are in that moment accepting and allowing ourselves to not literally shape and create ourselves and our reality according to that acceptances and allowance.

So looking at insecurity I can see within myself and within my reality how I have Limited myself to quite an extend within what I do, how I live, what I am willing to do and how I have through the acceptance and allowance of the insecurity to literally create my life.

I am going to share a few general points that one can maybe relate to to see how this effects one’s life within accepting and allowing any feeling/emotion or experience to be taken as real and valid and given power.

From my past decisions I had to make in life I made them from a point of first accessing myself, if I like a certain girl or sport or hobby or friend for example in school, I will first access myself and then see if I am a fit within myself for the topic, the assessment that I make is bias as it is based on personal self-created opinions I have about myself, of which one of the influences of decision making will be insecurity, am I insecure or not.

Now what within one’s own mind determines the insecurities? How did the insecurities end up in there, how were they determined, what made them real within one’s own mind.

This is what I want to explore and get to, why am I insecure within certain parts of my life, in fact the most important parts of life.

When I look self –honestly at how and why I am insecure within certain parts of my life I can see the word comparison – for me to be insecure I had to have something outside of myself that influenced me which I then accepted and allowed obviously to be the influence, and then I used that comparison.
Lets take sport for example – I see hundreds of other kids doing sports, I now compare myself to how they are doing it and how I am doing it, within this I then create a comparison where I scale myself, either low medium or high, and if its in the low I will be insecure about the certain sport and doing it – thus make a decision to not do it, even if the point of the sport is for fun and not always winning. Thus limiting my life to what I can and can not do, and thus really making life decisions in that instance that effect my entire life just within the sporting region.

If I look at girls within my schooling years – how come I was insecure around girls and thus shy to ask them out or to just be with them, because there was always a few boys who seemed to dame comfortable – and they usually had money and things and status just by the family they come from, or it could be the other way around, a poor guy that has a lot of confidence because he has nothing to lose for example so he takes the chances.

So I had many instance to compare and to in the moment judge myself and to then decide within myself – am I going to be insecure or confident and do it.

I usually chose insecure at this age, later on it changed. But it changed in a deceptive way.

I will expand on the relationship point a bit more because it is such a big point in this world. I never went for the girls I liked – because I liked them from afar lol – and in my mind I always liked the pretty girls with a good status in school, suppose it’s like that for many. So in my mind the girl is everything I am not, because it’s all judgments and comparisons within my mind based on assumption, contact never happened.

So I will just spy and look and become a Intel guy, finding everything out I can about the girl, to compare myself even more and more, to make sure that what I fear is true, that she is too good for me. Deliberately creating the insecurity through, to use the insecurity to never act, I am just not confident, the other guys can do it, just look at them, they just know how to, the girls just like them naturally, I feel like I have to work for it and prove it, it isn’t naturally me as it seems like to be for the other guys.

So I create this entire mind job for myself, where all my Intel and information is literally just gathered from observation and then speaking to myself within my own mind – well that’s pretty stupid isnt it, because my own perspective on things is really limited, I can only give myself perspective as far as my own knowledge and information go, which is dame limited – yet that’s also not the point, why speculate and compare in one’s own mind when it would take five minutes to face reality and find out for real the facts – see that’s the point I feared.

Because reality isn’t just reality – it comes with me facing my internal reality as well, it comes with facing what’s happening within me while I am physically facing the point – like actually talking to the girl, so much back chat on what could happen, what if, should I or should I not, it is intense inside, yet if the internal shit did not exist I do see how it would be completely different, this is what I realized later on the other guys have already realized, but through their parents. Because each house hold is different a lot of boys already at a young age interacted with girls through social events, families and their friends, I never got that, yet this could have also just happened at the social event.
To be continued.

Day 473 - Insecurity and part of my story Part 1

I have been insecure all my life, people would not say that about me from observing me, in fact people would say I am the opposite, yet that is exactly why there are insecurities.

Let me explain: I started out my life as quite an alone child, not lonely, just alone, I grew up in a small town with a very low population, below a thousand. This meant there weren’t many children to play with or other people to interact with. So I learned to entertain myself and to be comfortable with myself and my expression being mostly alone with myself.

So after many years of establishing this relationship with myself of being a loner, and being confident being alone with myself, I now had another problem which only came up after I moved from the small town to a city, or to add the new perspective, the city had a problem with my behavior and my loner confidence, it was different and not really appealing to others.

In the city after thirteen years of growing up in a very quiet town with if memory serves me right, five other kids in the entire town that I could find in thirteen years’ time, all of different ages, I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people daily, the streets were packed with people, there were shops and malls and cars driving all the time, even at night one can hear the cars driving.

So I would start out in my new home with what I know best, to hit the streets with my bicycle and to explore the surrounding areas, I discovered that I was able to drive to shops and to malls, and just park my bicycle somewhere and go into the mall and walk around. This was exciting and new, I saw myself having twice as much as fun because of the amount of activities that are now available. But I did not consider a few points.

It seems that in the cities people roam around in groups, I would guess it is for protection, I would assume the protection is from other groups, I did not quite get it, because thus far all my life I have been roaming around all alone and never needed a group with me.

Sure the groups had fun together but that was a disguise – not by assumption from my side, but from experience, as I was driving my bicycle the first day around the new town/city, I was stopped twice by groups of kids. The first group was three boys, slightly older than me on their own bicycles, they stopped me through ramming one of their bicycles into my front wheel, then the one boy asked me what are you going to do about it, I said sorry, he laughed and the other two said you better be sorry, and they circled me a few times with their bicycles as to prevent me from having mobility. They left and I started paddling the opposite way as I was unsure what they will do next if they still see me within their range.

The second time was on my way back home, as I stopped at a shop to get something to drink I encountered two other guys, I wanted to get onto my bicycle, but I was called out by one of the guys, as I looked back he asked me if I have something for him, I said no I just have this, and I continued to get onto my bicycle. I started moving faster as they did not leave me alone and kept behind me, and then one said, we will be waiting here for you till next time.

I got home and my first impression was, I am in danger here – I felt insecure suddenly, NOT save, not secure.

The point I want to make here is, the insecurity did not come from the guys that I encountered, it was already within me, because I have never dealt with such points or trained on dealing within such point or made aware that such point exist, it was all new to me, it was quite intense in some moments.

So at home I realized that for myself to survive living in this town/city I have to make some adjustment to myself – BUT what??

I realized on day one, the way I dressed was not the same as how the city kids dress, I dressed completely different – I dressed in a way that I was comfortable within and not within how I look, because in my old town, no one gave a shit and everyone just relaxed and dressed what is comfortable – so I have to change my dress code to fit in and not look like a “loser”.

Also the way the kids were sounding in speaking and how they spoke was completely different, they had no respect or common decency for one another, swearing left and right and using a “bad word with every third word they use, Fuck this Fuck that motherfucker, cunt, bitch etc etc, with each other never mind with me a stranger.

So I had to now practice using swearing words and how to incorporate them into my vocabulary and grammar.

Then the third and not last point, I needed to get a group, I need friends in this town to drive around with, otherwise I am a target for nasty people to have fun with, which at that moment seemed like every young kid, asking myself, what is the parents like then, because from my upbringing I assumed that the kids are the reflection of the parents and how they train us, does not matter if the kids are with or without the parents, it’s who you are.

So here I started my Journey of creating and sustaining insecurities that till today govern my live in certain aspects as I require to be insecure to consistently remind me of what I must watch out for and fear so that I can counter act the insecurities with an appropriate behavior that will make me feel secure and “seem secure.

But through my process with Desteni I have come to look at insecurities in a different way, see I made it all about changing my outer and my actions, instead of look at what has the moment that presented themselves to me like with the two groups of boys/men, that I had to change within me, inside of me with integrity and to stand.

Because changing my actions first from a fear point as insecurities I will have consequences that is fear, not a correction of equality and oneness that is in synchronicity with me and what is here as best for all including myself obviously that what best for all mean but including all as me.

The consequences of this is me trapping myself into a mind fuck for eternity never finding myself but always pretending and being something that is expected and what is energy bases, which in the long run drains one and makes one feel and be exhausted as it’s a front being kept up, because self-inside has never changed, the insecurity is and has always been there, never really been dealt with but just hidden.

So I am looking at it now where as insecurity is an opportunity, if we take the word insecurity we can see the following – IN SEE CURE – to see inside self in the moment of feeling insecure is also the cure for the moment – insecure is simply a moment where a weakness inside self in exposed, the weakness can be that the insecurity is a delusion/illusion or it’s a mind fuck or it is because of a point self hasn’t faced or walked through, but it is to SEE inside oneself what it is, self-honesty is required with common sense in the moment, rational thought that is based on the mathematical equation of one plus one equals two and to see the moment, how could the moment have been different and who one must be as someone that is living what is best for all, to stop this world from living in an insecure state of each other and to live secure among each other through each human being a self-honest and self-responsible person for through own thoughts and feelings and emotions and to not play the nasty bullshit out on each other where we leach on insecure people by creating insecure humans.

This is not done – to be continued, On the story and the insights.

Day 472 - Anxiety before Interactions on topics

Why do I have anxiety just before I interact with another being, to be more specific, a stranger? And to be even more specific. When I am interacting with a stranger about a specific topic.

The answer is simple – now they self, and within this specific topic I can say that if one does not know oneself then there are some parts of self that one is leaving up to random events to direct, this direction will come from the input from others and what feelings/emotions/reaction the input is creating and then one will react on that – and this is the part of self that self-know about and that have an anxiety about it.

Why does this exist, yet again simple and direct, because if it is topic related and one is proclaiming a stance within the certain topic and one isn’t fully informed on the topic one is proclaiming a certain stance within, then one will always be anxious talking to others about it because it’s a defense mode, where one is already in the expectation of having to face self within a certain question that might come up and then not standing within and as the stance one is proclaiming within the certain topic.

If that isn’t simple and direct enough – here is another explanation – if you are a Christian or a Car sales man or a waiter or if you are whatever you claim and you are standing as such a point, But you have not investigated and researched and explored and red everything and anything you can about it and all that consists of it in self-honesty and common sense, then you will always be anxious before talking to a stranger on the topic at hand as you know you are standing as something but are not living it in fact as the facts.

This counts for anything in life – preaching and speaking does not mean anything, as long as there are anxiety it is revealing a pattern of self, the pattern is created specifically to avoid the areas in one’s life that one has not perfected yet, the anxiety is a mechanism that self has put into place to generate fear as to jump-start the pattern that has worked successfully as a COPING mechanism, if one is in fact living the certain topic at hand, no coping mechanism is required as it is who you are as a living example, in the facts.

So what have I come to do for myself – with everything I am currently participating within my life, where ever I see I am within anxiety – I stop myself and I realize I am not going into a pattern, I take a breather to look at the pattern and what it is – I find the point for why I created the specific pattern in the moment, I forgive myself and I correct myself, I do this till I see there is no more anxiety.

There are layers of this and one has to be patient and slowing down is a key.

So now I can take this a more recent event – I am a friend to many families, helping them within their lives with and giving families the opportunity of a life time, so I am in a family’s home, there is NO anxiety because I am one hundred percent certain of what I do as I have been doing it for a long time, not helping families, but what I am presenting to them I have used and done myself WAY before I ever entered a home, so I know I have lived it and I have seen the result and I am still living it, so I am not preaching, I am sharing I am giving them facts and result and I am enjoying it, but as I go on within helping the families, I will face one moment of anxiety, the anxiety might come just before finances are discussed.

This is already giving me an indication that I am falling into a pattern, the pattern is revealed through the anxiety being like a red light going off, showing a weakness within me.

My weakness is that ALL my life I have helped people in my life for free – with extreme points in other peoples live, never expecting anything, so I am not obviously a grown man with my own family, and now Like the system demands I have to have money, I took my passion for helping people into making it my LIFE, but now I have to ask for money in return because I need bread on the table and to take care of my family.

But my weakness if Feeling bad when I ask for money for my service and product, because in my heart I feel it must be for free, yet nothing in this world is for free, otherwise I would be a beggar with my family on the street helping no one.

Now I feel insecure about working with finances with a family within helping the family, and thus when It comes to the point of money I am anxious, as I know I am going to present the finance part as being a “dislike” and thus they will also dislike it and end up saying they LOVE it but will not take it.
Thus here I got anxious and communicated in anxiety to the people, and thus I fell into the same pattern and made the same mistake, because I am not yet LIVING the money part as me as being comfortable within me

Thus it’s a weakness of mine that I need to work on and make it strength for example. So how do I do this, as you can see the help I am presenting to the family I am way confident and comfortable with because I have in fact lived it and done it myself, before ever presenting it to anyone else, But the one part I have never done before is still the anxiety part, a weakness, I have not yet lived it and expressed it as me as fact as the other part.

And how do I get to doing it, through ding it, and making mistakes as soon as possible so that I can find my point of expression and live it, fearing making the mistakes to learn is a waste of time, because the mistake will bring forth what one needs to learn and learn it and then LIVE it. Become one with it. But the anxiety will make one run and hide from making such simple decisions of doing/living and learning and correcting and thus perfecting.