Day 567 - Words and Who I Am

 Who am I? When I ask this short and simple question it feels like the universe is opening up to me, I see that within the question of Who am I, I am attempting to place myself in a box, through a short description, Perhaps I must take in the Universe and see who am I in reverse to this question.

Instead of Placing myself as who I am in a short description, I can rather expend myself as who I am as all that is HERE. 

I have seen and realized that in each Breath, each moment, That I am in those breathes and moments each time living a different word, not by choice, it is as if it is happening to me, a mood will come over me and I am living the word mood, or anger, or sadness, or happiness.

There are so many words that I am living and yet not aware of them, these words describe who I am in each moment. The problem I am seeing is how I am not the directive principle of who I am in each moment/breath. 

I have been practicing and implementing a new way of defining myself in each moment/breathe - instead of me living and accepting and allowing certain unknown words to come to me and for me to live them, I take a word instead, and I embrace that new word in each moment, a word that I would like to live, a word that I see will support and assist me to become my utmost potential, to become living words. 

This is not to create a polarity, such as when I am sad, to now embrace and live the word Happiness, NO! I take a word that is a correction, looking at why did sadness just come over me, perhaps I need to embrace the word Alone, to be alone, to stand alone, to be okay with being alone, as the word alone within it can be ALL as ONE - so alone isn't really being alone, it is to be here with ALL life as One, redefined to become a living understanding and to embrace ME - because I may have been sad due to being hurt by someone else, which showed me that I was reliant on others to bring me happiness, and thus not satisfied with myself, perhaps I have never really looked at myself and said, hey let me be alone for a while and focus on myself to be satisfied with myself, let me first embrace me.

So, Who am I? I am the words that I live in each moment/breath - I can either choose the words, understand the words, live the words and direct and decide my own live, or I can just sit and let any and all words influence me, being a victim to life, as words create our Wor(l)d.

Day 472 - Anxiety before Interactions on topics

Why do I have anxiety just before I interact with another being, to be more specific, a stranger? And to be even more specific. When I am interacting with a stranger about a specific topic.

The answer is simple – now they self, and within this specific topic I can say that if one does not know oneself then there are some parts of self that one is leaving up to random events to direct, this direction will come from the input from others and what feelings/emotions/reaction the input is creating and then one will react on that – and this is the part of self that self-know about and that have an anxiety about it.

Why does this exist, yet again simple and direct, because if it is topic related and one is proclaiming a stance within the certain topic and one isn’t fully informed on the topic one is proclaiming a certain stance within, then one will always be anxious talking to others about it because it’s a defense mode, where one is already in the expectation of having to face self within a certain question that might come up and then not standing within and as the stance one is proclaiming within the certain topic.

If that isn’t simple and direct enough – here is another explanation – if you are a Christian or a Car sales man or a waiter or if you are whatever you claim and you are standing as such a point, But you have not investigated and researched and explored and red everything and anything you can about it and all that consists of it in self-honesty and common sense, then you will always be anxious before talking to a stranger on the topic at hand as you know you are standing as something but are not living it in fact as the facts.

This counts for anything in life – preaching and speaking does not mean anything, as long as there are anxiety it is revealing a pattern of self, the pattern is created specifically to avoid the areas in one’s life that one has not perfected yet, the anxiety is a mechanism that self has put into place to generate fear as to jump-start the pattern that has worked successfully as a COPING mechanism, if one is in fact living the certain topic at hand, no coping mechanism is required as it is who you are as a living example, in the facts.

So what have I come to do for myself – with everything I am currently participating within my life, where ever I see I am within anxiety – I stop myself and I realize I am not going into a pattern, I take a breather to look at the pattern and what it is – I find the point for why I created the specific pattern in the moment, I forgive myself and I correct myself, I do this till I see there is no more anxiety.

There are layers of this and one has to be patient and slowing down is a key.

So now I can take this a more recent event – I am a friend to many families, helping them within their lives with and giving families the opportunity of a life time, so I am in a family’s home, there is NO anxiety because I am one hundred percent certain of what I do as I have been doing it for a long time, not helping families, but what I am presenting to them I have used and done myself WAY before I ever entered a home, so I know I have lived it and I have seen the result and I am still living it, so I am not preaching, I am sharing I am giving them facts and result and I am enjoying it, but as I go on within helping the families, I will face one moment of anxiety, the anxiety might come just before finances are discussed.

This is already giving me an indication that I am falling into a pattern, the pattern is revealed through the anxiety being like a red light going off, showing a weakness within me.

My weakness is that ALL my life I have helped people in my life for free – with extreme points in other peoples live, never expecting anything, so I am not obviously a grown man with my own family, and now Like the system demands I have to have money, I took my passion for helping people into making it my LIFE, but now I have to ask for money in return because I need bread on the table and to take care of my family.

But my weakness if Feeling bad when I ask for money for my service and product, because in my heart I feel it must be for free, yet nothing in this world is for free, otherwise I would be a beggar with my family on the street helping no one.

Now I feel insecure about working with finances with a family within helping the family, and thus when It comes to the point of money I am anxious, as I know I am going to present the finance part as being a “dislike” and thus they will also dislike it and end up saying they LOVE it but will not take it.
Thus here I got anxious and communicated in anxiety to the people, and thus I fell into the same pattern and made the same mistake, because I am not yet LIVING the money part as me as being comfortable within me

Thus it’s a weakness of mine that I need to work on and make it strength for example. So how do I do this, as you can see the help I am presenting to the family I am way confident and comfortable with because I have in fact lived it and done it myself, before ever presenting it to anyone else, But the one part I have never done before is still the anxiety part, a weakness, I have not yet lived it and expressed it as me as fact as the other part.

And how do I get to doing it, through ding it, and making mistakes as soon as possible so that I can find my point of expression and live it, fearing making the mistakes to learn is a waste of time, because the mistake will bring forth what one needs to learn and learn it and then LIVE it. Become one with it. But the anxiety will make one run and hide from making such simple decisions of doing/living and learning and correcting and thus perfecting.

Day 471 – forgetting to live and to express myself.

Without noticing, I have forgotten to express myself, to live myself, to be myself, to be here.

When we do something every day that is the same, we start to become the same every day, we tend to mold ourselves into a character that we believe can handle this daily routine, a character that is set in a certain mind set, a certain thought pattern.

This thought patterns that we construct will eighty percent of the time lean towards a negative one, because we live in a world that is negatively charged by fear and thus everything we do is out of fear, the very job we have and that make ourselves believe is something we are doing because we love doing it, is a lie, because we are doing it out of fear for survival, for our daily bread that isn’t naturally provided to us.

So this is also the danger, I have been doing the same thing over and over every day, which isn’t a bad thing, that is simply an opinion of judgment, it is who I am within it, have I become a certain personality within what I do or am I deciding who I am within each moment within each breathe.

See the difference, if I am accepting and allowing myself to “become” a certain personality within what I do through accepting and allowing the daily influences to mold me, then I will become a negative personality, it is as simple as that, and thus I will have a negative mind set which will lead towards a negative outcome. What we resonate is what we create, even if we pretend to be positive, it is the resonance, that which Is unseen that will shape the outcome of anything.

Then there is the other way, where I wake up every morning and I decide who I am, am I the authority of who I am today, am I taking on my life situation full force with all that I am here in each and every breathe, am I the one making directive decisions and living them fully, am I the one that is living my utmost potential in each moment.

So there is the difference, and what I have been living isn’t the second option to a certain degree, I have accepted and allowed everything negative in my reality to influence me, my goals and my starting point, I have accepted and allowed myself to become negative within my stance and to resonate that “downiness” of not achieving, so on a daily scale I have been living in a down mood, a mood that brings everything down with me, no beaming LIFE coming from me, just me doing what I do every day with the already anticipated downiness within me, of no results, not achieving, just the same as before. And surprisingly that what I create and that’s what happens then.

So I see myself living my utmost potential, yet I fail living it because the utmost potential I am seeing in my head is just that, it isn’t a reflection of real time, living in the rawness of reality, one and equal within how the physical actually works and what I need to do and how I need to move in fact, an that’s half the point, I can’t live my utmost potential if I am only focused on the mind and holding myself in the past results, I must burst out of this confinement of the past and I must move with full confidence and full self-assurance and really mean it, I must move with pride and I self-trust and I must really live the day as if I am going to die today, there must be no excuse, there must be no reason for me to ever say I did not do my best in every single big or small moment to make things work that is best for all life.

I must break the physical spell I have placed over my own physical body – the spell if called thinking and the curse is the thoughts, these habitual thoughts and secret mind thinking is the killer of all time, killing time with doing nothing, yet doing so much, it is like planting trees but not watering them, not nursing them, but expecting fruit. The details of expression are important.

I accept and allow myself to express myself, to live and to be here, I allow myself to be big as live, I give myself this as a guide in each moment within each breathe. I am life and I am allowed to live.

Day 31 - why do I hold back.

Why do I hold back when I see I need to act, this is a pattern that I am working with now in terms of participating in my world, within what I can do in and as space and time.

As an example, I have been wanting to do vlogs about many points for the last couple of months, yet I haven't even come to do one or tow on the points.

Every time The point comes up that I am going to do a vlog today, I end up just thinking about it and looking at when I can do it, I see I use the environment as an excuse, I use the sounds in the environment as an excuse, I use the camera I am going to use as an excuse, I use my voice not sounding good enough as an excuse, I use "I will sound dumb as an excuse" yet I know I can do it all - so I hold back, I sit down and I become silent, this silence is actually a suppression of my expression.

I see that the problem starts with -  first of all thinking, secondly thinking I will do it today instead of now ( postponing), obviously if I can and not like being at work or so on, make a note!

So even if I do see what is causing me to not do it and why, I am still holding back, I am the manifestation of the judgments I have towards the myself regarding the point, I* have become the accumulated consequences of my own mind participation, where I have given the mind power over me a what I am able to do with in and as the physical. If I stop the mind then I become living actions with no limitations with in what is here.

 I see I have trapped myself with in an energetic experience (resonance) of fear and anxiety through self judgment, I have to now release myself from this,

The Mind is a trap, if you follow what it presents to you it will trap you, the trap is unique as you will not realize the trap unless you show the trap to yourself, this is where self forgiveness comes in.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in applying myself in certain areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in the principal of what is best for all life through judging myself in those certain areas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with in certain areas in my life of applying myself with in the principal of what is best for all life as not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in what is best for all life because I believe I lack the knowledge and information to be specific enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being smart enough with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life with in what is best for all life, realizing that If I never push myself to express myself in those areas in my life that I will not find out or ever be able to see what is real and what is not so that I can work on it accordingly instead of judging myself and paralyzing myself from doing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life through accepting and allowing the fear of making mistakes to direct me instead of me directing me in each breath where I direct the mind as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about expressing myself in moments when I see a point is here and end up only generating thoughts/judgments/believes/opinions/ideas in my mind instead of expressing myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back because of conversations that I have in my mind and through this create believes/opinions/ideas based on my own self judgment that is not real but created of the mind in a secret room in my head, realizing it is all self created and what is real is yet to be discovered through me to in the moment express myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe what I tell myself in my head in secret and to follow what I make up as justifications and reasons to not express myself in the moment as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be held back by fear as self judgment as future projections that I create in my head, that isn't real at all yet I believe it as to be true, realizing that in and as the physical as silence there is nothing but me here in and as the physical moving me as Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I am not held back any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear who i am when I am not holding myself back any longer to not express myself as LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for holding myself back through participating in the mind as thoughts/feeling/emotions and to trap myself deliberately with in and as the thoughts/feeling and emotions to not have to take the extra steps in change, as I realize I see this as to much effort and that I will actually have to dedicate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear dedicating myself to be here in each breath and to not postpone or hold myself back from expressing myself As Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I express myself with in what is best for all life in all ways that I will draw more peoples attention that will hate me and attack me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that hate and get aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract people that is aggressive and haters through my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do when I get haters or people that get aggressive toward me with in expressing myself fully with in what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react when I express myself in each breathe as that which is best for all life in all ways and to not postpone and to not give power to all the thoughts/feeling and emotions but to breathe and realize I am here and I am responsible for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back with in waiting for approval from my environment and others first before I can express myself, realizing with in this I am compromising and sabotaging myself and might wait for eternity, thus it is up to me in each breathe when I express myself as I choose who I am in each breath and that it is all me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as one big excuse, realizing that I decide in each and every breathe, as the mind and as the physical who I am and thus there is actually no excuse in the end and I will have no excuse at death either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing to myself that there is no excuse which will reveal to me that all the time I have wasted is gone and can never be retrieved or re-gained and thus I now have to in and as breathe make up and do extra to get to where I should be and to get out of the trap of the mind that I have set myself and trapped myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my mind deliberately just so that I can have an excuse for why I did not express myself as LIFE as that which is best for all in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ME.

I commit myself to when ever I see a point comes up where I want to make a vlog to see if it is practical in the moment to do one immediately with out postponement and to do so, if I can not I make a note and I live my words as Who I am.

I commit myself to write and to apply self forgiveness when I see I am feeling trapped and to free myself from my own trap of the mind and to see what remains as me here as who I decide I am in and as the physical and to apply myself with in the certain area of my life.

I commit myself to when I see I judge myself or have any mind bullshit going on when I want to express myself in a certain area in my life are such as making music, doing a vlog, building a bird house, that I will write and clear myself and to look and consider all the points with in common sense and self honesty and to see if it real or not and to then accordingly apply myself with in self honesty.