Day 129 – Living a Commitment Day 1 of 21.

Today was interesting – I actually - during my day focused on breathing as the commitment I made to myself, to stop the mind and birth myself as LIFE.

BUT there were very interesting points that revealed itself more clearly and that I could now see within breathing more effectively.

The first Point that I saw was I had less thoughts and internal Movements as energy as emotions/feelings – so the interesting point(s) I noticed was that there were moments when I completely stopped breathing and went into a immediate State of thoughts (possession) of Fear/anxiety/survival.

This was triggered in specific moments when I was in different areas of my day with different people.

So when I was alone or working on my own, the breathing was stable and I was able to stop any thoughts immediately, as a thought came up I said out loud to myself I commit myself to breathe – and I breathed instead of thinking and participating in the thoughts, I did not suppress it, I made sure I breathed through it.

So I saw that ALL the thoughts I have during my day(s) was/is but distractions of/from the MAIN points that I am actually physically walking and living as the patterns/characters I have become, thus I realized that I over load myself with so many thoughts that I “hide’ the main points such as fear/anxiety/secret-mind that I have manifested as the living me in the flesh, pre-occupying myself to not face these points.

I breathe – I walk – I am committed to this one point till it is done.

Main Point number 1 – this is one of the Characters/patterns that I am living as -- and that I have manifested myself as, as the walking me in my application resonantly and in all behaviours and words.

“The -- I am ALWAYS a bad person Character”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always live and move myself within the behavioural patterns of I am a bad Peron.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I live in a resonantly possessed state of I am a bad person that reflect within all my words/actions and that it shows in everything I do as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being bad compared to being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have manifested myself as the flesh within the self judgment of always being bad to such an extent that I even belief I do not have the right to stand up for that which is best for all life because apparently I am just too bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resonate with the self judgment as the thoughts I had/have in my mind about myself and to through this create a character within and as the living flesh that lives the words/thoughts that I resonated with in every detail of my life that end up as consequences such as always not pushing though points or not to commit to something because I have already judged myself as being bad and thus already failed within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to define myself according to past/memories where I did not finish something or stayed committed to something and got judged by people/system such as in school and that I have within this created a character of myself that I have made in such a way to never have the “right” to change and to actually be Good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad from past experiences within and from school/parents/friends that is of the money system that is designed on Good and bad People and that requires good and bad people to exist the way as it does now for it to function – realizing that I blindly took on the role of the bad character that would end up working in mines or on the streets doing all the shit jobs because I have accepted and allowed myself as shit, realizing that this is exactly what the system wants because who else would do the shit jobs unless there are people that judge themselves as shit/bad and thus the system deliberately make/create good and bad to serve the system on both ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as good or bad in s world that is based on money and not real value as LIFE where all is equal in fact and where good and bad is that of simply doing what is best for all life and not defined according to social and intellectual levels designed only to make profit in the name of self interest and the abuse of life, realizing that I have labelled myself as being bad for not complying to a system that Abuses LIFE, because I did not “fit in” or met the standards that was required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a system of abuse towards LIFE and to actually feel bad about myself for it. Realizing it is not to now not comply and suddenly be BAD, as that is also what the system wants as it is simply a part of the system that forces the rest into being good and never seeing the abuse as a example will be made of me then as being bad within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad due to how I was treated by those that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad according to the words and the manners that was used on and towards me by those that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what those that has gone before me in their behaviours and words as facts and real and thus it must be who I am and what I am. Realizing that me accepting that is making it so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up from this character of “I am always bad” and to take a self honest self movement walk and stand for LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD it against myself that I was judged as bad in the past and to make it so and part of my future and to within this feel insecure and less than and in valid and not worthy and full of self hatred and resentment and so act it out or trying to make it better through being a good guy that still always mess up, as the fear of being bad is the driving force of each finger and each word -- and thus it is but all a pretense and a lie and not real but characters upon characters playing their roles to avoid being bad, yet only the bad prevails, realizing that this is not the solutions as the hatred grows and the resentment grow, but that to take self responsibility for myself is the first and only step I must take and walk

TO BE CONTINUED ON THE PARTS BELOW – with self forgiveness.

This Character activates around people that I have placed in my mind as “authority” and as better than me – as people that always do better.

So when I am for instance working and doing my stuff and a person comes in that I have placed in my mind as authority and they say something I freeze inside myself and I literally stop breathing, I am in complete anticipation of getting yelled at or being told how bad I am or that I am doing something wrong, this character is so intense that I will literally do “Nothing wrong” for months and when someone comes to me and say something that I have judged as authority in my mind – I will within myself stop and beam all of me into the mind – like taking on battle positions.

Then I will in quantum time check the “past/memories” to see what I did wrong and what this person possible can/will take out on me now, and I will not find anything, and then as the mind I will even go as far as Believing that it must have happened when I wasn’t aware or conscience, which is kind of impossible – like I did something where I got possessed and came back and do not remember anything – this is the mind as Fear looking at all possible scenarios to be ready to defend/justify/reason/fight.

So breathing all day surely has shown me the real points to work with, actual physical living characters/patters instead of daily mind bubbling pre-occupying thoughts as distractions – I am not saying Ignore and suppress the thoughts and do not Self forgive them, always Self forgive for any and all thoughts, I am simply saying the main points open up for me.

Also within breathing all day more consistently I have had lots of pains in my legs, especially in my Knees and shins and my movement was compromised at times and I had to slow down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the self judgment of being Bad, realizing within living as the self judgment of being bad I am always in search of doing the right/goof thing as to make up for how I judge myself, realizing that within always wanting to do the good thing I am only confirming the self judgment of myself as being bad.

To be continued on as-well..

Day 46 - I am a Bad Boy

I remember when certain events happened in my life as a young child and as a teenager where I did certain things, I was seen/judged as bad and how people reacted and looked at me after what I have done.

From the system perspective I was bad, I did do something wrong in the eyes of the people - for instance, when I was 16 I went to the movies with a couple of friends, I asked a certain girl to come with me, I had to ask her parents first, they agreed on the condition that I must look after her and make sure nothing happen.

So we all went to the movies, a couple of minute before the movies started me and another friend decided to go and buy cigarettes and quickly smoke them, we ask the other friends to stay and wait we will be back, they did not know we were going to go buy smokes and smoke.

We were underage and wasn't allowed to smoke, we went to the little shop that sold cigarettes to who ever, we bough two, as I exchanged the money for the cigarettes, I hear my name from outside of the shop, the girl who I asked to come whit's parents were there, they also decided to come, they now saw me with cigarettes in my hand.

I was frightened to what the parents would say to me and how they will react, I was cold for a few seconds because I was secretly smoking and underage, so no one knew I was smoking except my friend that was with me.

The parents asked me in a angry voice, what are you doing, is that cigarettes, they reacted immediately and grabbed the girls arm and said, come we are taking you home, the parents then told me, Gian we did not expect you to be this kind of person, we trusted you with our daughter, I said yes, but they are not for me, we quickly bought them for some other friend, the parents said okay we will come with you to see you give the cigarettes to the other friend, we knew we were fucked (caught out).

The girl then started fighting with her parents and said, mom,dad please leave it alone, our movie is starting in a few minutes, I then gave the cigarettes to the other friend and he put them in his pocket, I felt like shit, I am such a bad person. The parents trusted me.

So what happened next was interesting.

I started becoming bad, more and more, and in secret - because through the even that happened I learned how parents react and how they handle situations, they were mean and downgrading me, playing the guilt game making me feel bad deliberately, instead of breathing and seeing what is happening and accordingly act as to what is supportive, this is what I would have done, because now there was no lesson learned, there was only suppression and fear implanted.

Obviously I also did not know about breathing and remaining here in self honesty, if I did, this would have never happened.

That same night I decided I was bad, I can not be trusted, I am a bad boy, I had kind of a exciting feeling about it, I then took the bad boy acceptance and I started becoming a asshole, I pretended to be the awesome guy in-front of everyone and at night in secret I am bad, I take advantage, I drink, I use weed, I use girls, I started developing this more and more, I started skipping on school and classes, I got caught out and the same happened, no one gave me a valuable lesson to learn through common sense and understanding, they all just yelled, put fear into me and tried to suppress me, I obviously accepted and allowed all of this as me as who i am, which wasn't true if self honesty was applied.

I found Desteni at the age of 18, I was lucky, I would have probably not made it past 20 because of all the drinking and the secret thoughts and back chat of the things I was going to do, luckily I never got to do those things because of Desteni - I was judging myself as being bad to bad that I was abusing myself to become it, to live it, we live in a world of space and time - thank goodness

It is actually quite simple to see, if I breathed at that one scenario and instead of judging myself as bad and accepting and allowing myself as it and if I did not define myself as that in that moment, things would have been completely different, yet I did, thus self forgiveness.

Self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past experiences as who I am, realizing that who I am I decide in each breathe.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person due to past experiences as memories as who I am, realizing that I am actually deciding who I am in each breath, and that the past experiences is the past,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad due to past experiences that I judged as bad within my mind, through the accepted and allowed definitions of what is good and bad within society or within others eyes, realizing that if I am self honest I will see and realize that what is best for all life as a living principal in all ways is all that matters, as everything is self created ideas/believes of what is good and bad and forced onto one another through fear to have control, instead of simply living what is best for all life, buying cigarettes at the age of 16 doesn't mean anything when you live within what is best for all life, it is simply me smoking. (of course to be self honest one would see underage within the system can bear consequences so do not compromise self to prove a point, be self honest and not fearful as we are still within a system of control and fear based till we have the equal money system 2020.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on others reactions and words towards me as being a response to who I am as bad and to give it value as who I am, realizing within accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad and to live out my live as being bad I create and manifest consequences for myself where I punish myself as self abuse as telling myself the whole time, you are bad, you are bad, you deserve this punishment. Not realizing that I am creating and manifesting it all for myself in each moment as my own self judgment as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the ideas and believes of myself that I have accepted and allowed as who I am through accepting and allowing myself to give value to others words as the truth about me and to accordingly live my life in self judgment and self abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm others through my own self judgment as being bad and doing certain things within the believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the believe and self judgment of I am bad with me as a burden and living it out within doing certain things that is harmful to myself and others on a physical level and/or emotional level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am the creator of who I am in each breathe and as I accept and allow myself to judge myself as bad in each moment that I am creating it as myself and thus no one is to blame, only I can stop and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something bad in others eyes, realizing it isnt about others but Who I am as I create myself and decide as myself in each breath WHO I AM.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can only be bad if I am not living what is best for all life in all ways, as I am accepting and allowing a life of good and bad where both are needed for the other to exist, instead of simply living what is best for all life in all ways as Desteni has shown me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drug use within my own self created believe/self judgment of I am bad through accepting and allowing others words and actions as having value to who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself that other believe I am a bad person and to act it out as self punishment within my actions and words and to within this abuse myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a bad person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bad person in secret because of the fear that others will see me as bad for what I am doing, realizing that when I do things in secret I am actually abusing others and myself through my own acceptance and allowance of the self judgment as being bad within my head as back chat and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is wrong to be bad, realizing that living within the principal of what is best for all life in all ways isnt defined by good or bad, but by what is best for all life in all ways through common sense and self honesty.

Redefining bad - not living who you are as life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Redefining good - living what is best for all life in all ways as who you are as life.

I commit myself to expose the deception of good and bad created within the current way of life in society where good and bad is used to control people through fear and a reward system

I commit myself to expose that the good people require the bad people to be good and that the bad people require the good people to be bad, and that both are just the same thing of the same coin keeping people enslaved to the mind as the tree of knowledge and information so that no one can ever realize themselves as life, as that which is best for all life or even see that the constant battle of good and bad is only to occupy peoples minds to not stop and stand as life as that which is best for all life as Who I am

Day 13 - Insecurity.

Why am I insecure I asked myself today, I looked at the point and I saw that I had a belief about myself, that I have hidden things with in me that I fear can be exposed.

I can not see what the things are that I fear that can be exposed right now, I just know it is a feeling, a fear and that it is based on an idea that I have about myself as being bad as being wrong.

I have created a personality for myself that defends me (my insecurities)  no matter what, as long as I do not have to feel insecure, the ego/personality that I have created as the guy who can handle anything, that has no problems and that knows anything and can do anything, giving all the good qualities as a image of myself within a presentation of myself to others so that they will not find the weak spots, the bad with in me and expose me.

This only makes the insecurity bigger and more, because now that I have created this personality that everyone known me as, I also fear being exposed as a fake, because that is what I am actually, when I present myself a certain way while inside me it is different as the experience.

I asked myself in self honesty, why and when will it stop, why can I not simply stop in one breath, why am I allowing this, because I still had fear, fear of the unknown, what will happen if I let go of my insecurities, who will I be/become,

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be insecure about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in the feeling of being insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being bad and that it is wrong and bad what I have with in me and that I have to hide it, and that if it has to ever be expose it will mean the end of me, realizing that if what I am hiding with in me has to be exposed, that the only end it will bring to me is my ego as energy as that which I hold onto as being important to hide and generating the mind consciousness system with in me as a energetic enslavement and limitation that is now imposed onto and with in my physical reality, compromising and sabotaging me and my reality with in applying myself effectively and openly with in the principal of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my insecurities and giving them attention as if they are important, realizing that through these actions I am actually keeping my insecurities alive and growing, instead of stopping and breathing and walking through the insecurities to see what is real and what is not, to face myself as my insecurities and to basically get over it and move on with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become, realizing that only through self exposure can I truly see what is here and what is real and not, and only once I see for myself with in self honesty and common sense and gaining the understanding that I give to myself or receive through others support, can I take self responsibility and change as that which is best for all life and start living life instead of hiding and keeping myself alive in fear/anxiety/stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my insecurities after holding onto them for so lone, that I cna not see how I can live with out them, realizing that I will actually only start living once I let go of them through self forgiveness and self honesty.

What am I insecure about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about all the thoughtI ever had and that they can be exposed for all to see, and that I will with in such exposure diminish myself and never be able to face myself again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had to ever be exposed for all the thoughts I ever had that I will only diminish and not be able to face myself or others, I realize that I can change this through self forgiveness and thus support and assist myself to see and realize that all insecurities has only been self created and thus it is not real but only a way to hide from facing self and changing to that witch is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about sexuality and that if I had to ever expose all my sexual thoughts/fantasies/desires and what I have done in my life in relation to sex and masturbation that I will not be able to face other people or look them in the eyes, realizing that this is only my interpretation and self judgment and that I am the one that has to forgive myself and face myself and that it is not about others forgiving me, but me forgiving me and living the change and taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about who I am currently in my entirety as all of me with in myself and with out as the my physical body and appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about speaking up and not hiding my common sense and standing up for life as I judge myself as being to young and not good enough and not capable yet, realizing that as long as I hold back and hide with in myself I will never be ready till I take the step of standing and taking self responsibility head on for all of me as what I have accepted and allowed to exist with in and with out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as negative and positive, creating good points and bad points with in myself and thus creating the insecurities and the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about sharing my actual real time experience with certain people that I have identified as being superior with in my life and that if I had to share with them my actual experience that i will be seen as less than, realizing it is only me who will see myself as less than as it is only my self judgment with in me, thus I realize I must stop the self judgment and simply face myself with in my writings and self forgiveness so that i may stand and walk as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Commitments.

I commit myself to when ever I see I am going into feeling like hiding from a certain situation scenario because I see that if I take part in the scenario I may be confronted with facing my insecurities, that I will take a breathe and not allow my fear and insecurity to direct m and giving permission for its continued existence, but to go there and see for myself what it is that I fear and feel insecure about.

I commit myself to take on all points where I have a resistance with in going/doing with in myself and to go there and to see what it is that I fear and feel insecure about facing as myself and to write and do self forgiveness on the points, using the tools I have been given to support myself with in changing myself as that which is best for all life as Life, as me.