Day 193 – The End of the World Wish.

Since I was a teenager and I was aware of the world and how fucked up everything in this world is, such as the wars and poverty and especially the cruelty and abuse towards Animals and the oceans and the forests and in general Planet earth. I always had a wish that everything will just come to an end.

Everything coming to an end means that the human must die instantly and leave the earth to herself with all the animals and plants to live here, because they are obviously not the problem or any danger to life here, it is literally JUST the Human, the thing that I am.

I used to sit in my room or while driving in the car and think and imagine a meteorite hitting earth and killing all the humans, this can obviously not work because then the animals would also die, so I would think about what can kill the human and not harm anything else – I thought about Bombs that can be used that only kill humans, but what made the most sense was for a goal like this to work - a virus, but there is always a cure and the population on earth is only getting more with humans, even with all the diseases.

Every-time I turned on the T.V and the news was on all I would see was abuse and still today the same, only it has gotten WAY worse, and when I read the newspapers all I see is crime, murder, rape and animal cruelty and MONEY problems everywhere and abuse and people raping dogs and sheep and horses and torturing animals for their pleasures.

I got really really angry within all of this, I joined a few groups such as Green peace, and I tried doing things in my environment to help such as cleaning all the fields from the human rubbish and separating human trash into categories so it can be reused/recycled and I signed petitions and I did competitions for naming whales to save the whales and stuff like that.

BUT it was never enough, the shit just got worse and worse, I would read things that I never thought of existing on the Planet I live on and share with all others – How the fuck can we all sit by and let things happen the way they do?

I used to get drunk and just burst open and talk to everyone about what I have been keeping in, about how fucked up life is and how the abuse is getting worse and that we must all do something – I remember when I did this all the friends that was there were standing around me looking Cool and distancing themselves from me, as if what I was saying was weird or not normal – I said lets fucking do something to stop what is happening on OUR planet and that was weird and not normal.

No one ever replied or gave me an opinion or and idea in relation to YES lets change the world, it was always against me, each and every-time, as if I was doing something terrible – How dare you want to change the world.

This was before I was with Desteni and the equal money system, so I did not have any direction to give either, but still.

So after all these events I started also giving up and just not give a shit, my wish to change the world started changing into something dark – a wish for chaos and turmoil and suffering and for a world in darkness, I mean if no one is going to, or can change the world than I might as-well fuck it up faster to get it over with – this was me going into the polarity and giving up on myself and feeling powerless.
I became half senseless and emotionless.feeling-less, I started wishing death upon everyone and I wished it would be a long one, because everyone is asking for it within their behavior and attitudes. No one is fucking willing to change to change their Life style for the sake of their own planet.

I used to sit in my room and have thoughts about how I would survive the end of the world days, because I wished upon everyone else destruction I obviously wished upon myself to Live, because I somehow in my mind confidence me that I was special and that I deserved to live where others do not,

Obviously I wasn't considering their lives and maybe they went through the same, but that wasn't the main concern, I never started with myself and to set an example that it is in fact possible to change and to live it as who I am as a life that is best for all Life, and here I am with Desteni and Equal Money System – now I have to remove the past as a me in memories (me more lies memorizing myself) as I am currently still living as the past as what I have accepted and allowed and trained myself to always giving up, falling, feeling I can not do this, it is to big. No one else wants to, and to stop those patterns and Stand absolutely in every breathe.

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Self forgiveness Next.

Day 192 – Anger Misplaced Towards Animals Final.

Day 190 - Anger Misplaced towards animals Part 1
Day 191 - Anger Misplaced towards Animals Part 2

Day 192 – Anger Misplaced Towards Animals Final.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I work with animals that it is me that has to work with the animal and in return through my actions the animals will see that I am trust worthy and thus work together with me, or lets rather say Learn the human way, because animals do not know the Human way of doing things when we expect animals to just get it, instead of being patient showing the animal the intention through consistency and stability within, thus getting angry and frustrated and giving up basically does not work and the animal will pick it up and thus friction will be created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am helping an animal to not be HERE in and as every touch as the physical but instead to try and help the animal from what I think I must do based on ideas and beliefs instead of the physical that is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when and as I am trying to force the Human way of taking care of the animal and the animal does not co-operate, not considering the animal and that I am the more intelligent being and thus I must in humbleness adjust myself to care for the animal one and equal and not the other way, as is has proven not to work and only create anger within me because I am trying to force something un-natural onto the animal just to get the job over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I work with animals I must be here in and as breathe as to not impose or create separation but to work together in oneness and equality, seeing and realizing that the oneness and equality we share as me and the animal is the physical in fact, as we both can confirm it and see it and touch it and smell it, and thus trying to do things from the mind which the animal does not see and can not confirm will only confuse and harm the animal as I will do things from the mind within the idea/belief that the animal should just get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I get angry at animals it is me projecting my own anger of who I am within the moment towards the animal that is creating separation and thus not working and because it does not work then I get angry at myself as I am aware of what is going on within me and do not want to be self honest about it and rather take it out on the animal.

I commit myself to when and as I am working with animals to breathe and to be here in and as breathe and to practice this with no Back chat and not Ideas/beliefs and not fear.

I commit myself to when and as I work with animals to breathe and to focus on my touch one and equal here as the animal and to not have any energy movement within me as I do work with the animal to not compromise and harm the animals or myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself getting angry within myself to breathe within the realization that the anger is ALL me and not the animal and that I am responsible for the anger within me, and to STOP the anger and forgive myself, to focus on breathing and my touch and to support and assist myself and the animal equal and one.

I commit myself to stop myself from projecting any energy I experience within me towards animals within the realization that I am the only one possible to create any energetic experience within me as my thoughts/feelings/emotions and that animals do not have such amazing powers to control and do things as such to me, and to within in this stop me from harming/abusing another life form equal and one as me as I take Full self responsibility for what I accept and allow within me and so my actions that follow as a result of who I am.

Day 191 – Anger Misplaced towards Animals Part 2

Day 191 – Anger Misplaced towards Animals Part 2

This is the Self forgiveness from Part 1 – Anger Misplaced towards Animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach dealing with animals within a desired way of how I want things to go that is of the mind, not considering the real actuality of the physical within dealing with the animal practically and within total consideration of the animals and where the animal comes from and how they are in their beingness and to accordingly move and direct myself practically one and equal as the animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Expect immediate co-operation and teamwork that makes it easy for ME, not considering the animal and standing within the animals “shoes” only considering how I want to feel as positive when I work with the animal, seeing and realizing that this is a setup for abuse as I will react and get angry when and as I feel my expectations inst met with the animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach animals within the mind Idea of that the animal must be grateful that I am helping them and therefore the animal must submit and obey me within me doing them a favor, not seeing and realizing that the fact that the animal requires my help in the first place must show me that there is a problem within this world and that nature and the animals aren't supported and thus need human intervention and that the human is inf act the cause of their need for us to help them. Thus I am in dept to the animal and not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self righteous within the belief that the animal is in debt to me for helping the animal, not seeing and realizing that the animal has not concept of what ever I have going on in my mind as back chat and thoughts towards helping and thus does not care and so I am the only one creating and causing harm/abuse within trying to impose my mind ideas/beliefs I have onto the animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a religion out of myself where I praise myself to helping animals and caring for them and that I am willing to give up my time and to give effort to care for them and to within this religion like all and any other religion where something isnt working according to the religion attack and harm, within this case it is when the birdie isnt co-operating within the confined Ideas/beliefs I have of myself as the animal lover being able to work with animals easily and thus it isnt being easy and so get angry at the birdie for showing me my religion of myself is False and a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated with animals when their behavior changes towards me and to take it personal and as if it about me, not seeing and realizing that the animals does not give a fuck if it is me or someone else, but that the animal is simply showing me something, and thus communicating on a physical lever while I am existing in my limited mind bubble and thus can not see what is shown to me and so I react and get angry and want to take it out on the animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the anger I have towards the animal is always and only within and as me and thus it is only me being angry at myself as the experience is within me and I created it within participating within and as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that is not visible to anyone else but me, and so I can only react toward my own thoughts and get angry at me and thus directing the anger towards something/someone outside of me is self-dishonesty and abusive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am trying/attempting to help an animal get angry as soon as It is required of me to give more time and more effort and more of me and it does not work and to want to take the anger out on the animals as if they are being deliberate, not seeing and realizing that my attempts was and is but only of the mind and thus not a directive approach but rather compromising myself and the animal based on ideas and belief on what I am allowed to do and not, to help the animal, thus I see and realize that instead of me going directly to force feeding I was first trying to praise the religion of myself where I belief I have a special ability to make animals work with me and so compromise and create energy when the religion isnt getting its energy boost and thus get angry at the animal for not validating my religion of myself.

To be continued.

Day 190 – Anger misplaced towards Animals Part 1

Me with Baby Birdie PUF.

Recently me and my partner got a new birdie in our room, the birdie at first was awesome, she ate the food we gave her immediately and she ate a lot of it, she screamed and ate the food and it was all good.

I have no problem with the screaming as I have worked through sounds with the parrots a lot that we have in our room, five of them lol.

So after a day, not that long, the birdie already started changing quite quickly, I can understand as the birdie is small and the growth of the birdie happens much faster than human growth so over night change is possible – but now the feeding of the birdie has become really difficult, just like that.

So I see I have created a desired way of dealing with animals and working with them a positive way, this must be easy and co–operative and teamwork. because I am helping the birdie and thus the birdie must be grateful and show the gratefulness within working with me (this is obviously a mindfuck and self righteous within the religion of self)

So when the next day came and the birdie was asking for the food with the regular screaming she makes – I was already ready with the food as I wake up early to get it all ready and have the food still warm for her – so I wen to her with the food and I was talking to her and making noises as I know she responds to the sounds I make.

When I took the food out and she was opening her mouth and ready to receive the food. I took the food to her mouth and she suddenly closed her mouth, this was different behavior from the previous day, so I asked her what is it, here is the food eat it. This is where the opposite outcome takes play in what I desired as the negative.

She refused and I saw I had to improvise, I started making more sounds and more movements as I was trying to mimic how a bird might look like when coming in to feed the baby.

As all of this was happening I saw within my mind as a thought how she does not eat and dies suddenly or reject the food and die from starvation or even how the food we are giving her was causing her death slowly and she was trying to tell us, I became concerned about this as I now have the fear of losing the birdie while I am in direct responsibility of caring for the bird and the bird trust me with her life and I do not have a clue what is wrong and how to help her.

So as I was holding the birdie on my hand and trying to feed her, she just kept on doing the same movements, she would scream for food and she would every time move her head away from the food that I bring her and look downwards – this started to piss me off – I asked her why she is screaming for food but not taking it, it is warm and it is food that I know supports her body because we have raised a previous birdie just like her with the same food. Obviously I was only getting angry at myself because I have created an expectation of a desired outcome of how I wanted thing to be like and now it isnt as that.

So the back chat started coming up after I had the thought and the reactions to the thought – as the back chat was in response to the thoughts and emotions feeling coming from the thoughts.

The back chat was angry and reactive – I would take a deep breathe as I know that the anger isn’t real or has anything to do with her as I am the one experiencing it within me, and I am aware of the thoughts and the emotions and feelings and that they are all coming from past memories/experiences that I have had with birdies and how they all died. now I fear this happening again so I get angry at MYSELF for feeling that I might be powerless to do anything – so I went to the other option that we have used a few times that kept the birds alive.. definitely – and that is to force feed the baby birdie.
Now force feeding isnt harsh or abusive – it is simply where you take the birdie in your hands and hold her and then open her mouth and place the food in – from there she swallows the food herself.

I have been doing this now the the last few days and I am still getting angry and having back chat coming up that is self righteous and that wants to inflict punishment on the birdie for not working together – that is how I was taught in school how to deal with situations where people do not work together – Punish them with abuse and physical harm till they submit and give in.

I also see this is a pattern that plays out in my life in many other places. I also noticed that this is the exact same behavior and thoughts/backchat that takes place in all the people in the world that abuses animals in Zoo’s and in reserves and in circuses and all over the world all the time, some simply have the privacy and time and resources and authority to abuse animals extensively because such thoughts/backchat re-occur all the time and takes hold of people and possesses them even thought they started out with Good positive intentions. It is really easy if one does not have tools such as self forgiveness and daily writing and Breathing and basic understanding how how thoughts/feelings/emotions work and come from. Investigate Desteni - Join us if you dare and support and assist yourself with Eqafe Products

To be continued with self forgiveness

Day 189 – Postponing listening to Eqafe Interviews.

I have been wanting to get all the newest Eqafe Products on my phone as interviews to listen to while I work or while I am doing stuff inside that it repetitive and do not require my full attention.
So every day I start my day and I go through my day without even considering the point till late at night AGAIN. (again is almost like my name Gian)

This has been going on for a couple of weeks now and I really want to get to the interviews and start listening to them, I have to, they are of the utmost importance within this reality and within understanding what is here and what I am working with in specificity to deprogram myself and rebirth myself as LIFE one and equal within understanding the mechanics of it all.

Because I know thought my own practical living that every single time I have listened to an interview I could say – Fuck that was super assisting and supporting, so why postpone and compromise?? When I know it is awesome every time like the lids of my eyes has been opened and I see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone getting the latest Eqafe Products on my phone and listening to them due to me “apparently being too busy to take a few minutes to do this, and to within this say/backchat to myself I will definitely do it tomorrow and to within this never get to it as I say the same tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the obvious Pattern hat I am following that is not within the best interest of all as myself and only compromising myself and thus everyone/thing I am in contact with and in the end the entire universe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses for not breathing and doing it instantly in the moment that the point is here and to get it over with and move forward within my process instead of stalling and compromising myself and in the end create a mountain out of something that is so small.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use outside influences as excuses and reasons for not doing it as I have the time in the moment that I considered it, or to leave myself an alarm somewhere to do it once I am in a practical position to apply myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself it is useless to get the Interviews on my phone and to listen to the interviews while I work or do things that does not require me to interact with people much and to say – People will only disturb me while I am trying to focus on the interviews and to within this one point postpone and compromise myself from getting the Eqafe interviews such as the Quantum Mind and Animal interviews that is quite recent to listen to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind as limitation to what is possible for me and what is not and to within that act on the limitations and to then confirm the limitations within my own self belief of it and make it real, not seeing and realizing that within the practical application of the physical it is/was more than possible for me to apply myself within getting the interviews on my phone and start listening to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not getting the interviews on my Phone in the moment that I can because of back chat points that I have accepted and allowed to drive me/ Mind control me through my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself with reasons and justifications I make up within my mind all by myself of why I cannot get the Eqafe interviews on my phone right now and start listening to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Use the limitation of Time to reason and justify why I cannot get the interviews on my phone and start listening to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist/postpone getting the Eqafe interviews that I have been craving to listen to for so long now - within validating one thought in my mind “where I see myself already listening to them and “getting all the new info and staying up to date and informed and as I am doing this, let’s say out in the field, someone comes and bothers me as they want something from me or need me and I get upset or angry because now I have lost my focus on what was said and I lose all the info” and to within this one thought that I have attached a negative emotion to - as how I might experience myself and as wasting time if I get interrupted not take action and start somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Only want to listen to certain interviews and only get certain interviews within the belief that I do not need the other ones, seeing and realizing how I am limiting myself within separating myself from and as the other interviews and what they can teach me and show me to walk my process much more effective and specific in stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT give myself the time that I have to give myself daily to actually support and assist myself within getting and listening to the Eqafe interviews daily so that I can support and assist myself and others as myself one and equal to bring about a new world that is best for all life as I rebirth myself in detail and specificity as life one and equal and to live the change practically.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself postponing getting the newest interviews on my phone to stop and breathe and slow down and to question the postponement within self honesty and to see if the point is self interest or best for all life and to check what is the back chat and what is the thoughts and the emotions/feelings that is within me controlling me from moving myself and directing myself as that which is best for all Life in all ways.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself compromising myself within postponing myself and my process and thus the process of all of LIFE to change this life through not getting the latest Eqafe Interviews that is of the utmost importance this life to hear - as it is from the portal that is nowhere else on earth - that can this LIFE support and assist us to see what is here in ALL dimensions so that we can take self-responsibility for all dimensions and to see the mechanics of how everything work so that we can rebirth ourselves as LIFE one and equal and bring about a world that is best for all life as we understand LIFE as ourselves and to do this within not postponing one point as simple as this and to move myself within self movement and not thoughts/feelings/emotions as they are all signs on brainwashing/mind control a the organic robot.

Day 188 – Spiritualism and Me - Commitments

Day 182 - The Day I said Fuck Spiritualism 
Day 183 - Spiritualism and Me Part 1
Day 184 - Spiritualism and Me Part 2 

Day 185 - Spiritualism and Me Part 3
Day 186 - Spiritualism and me, the Broken Character Part 4
Day 187 - Spiritualism and Me the Broken Character Part 5

I commit myself to show that Love and Light as Spiritualism isnt a solution as the physical facts here one earth shows that to Us All Equally within what is here.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself Believing that Spiritualism is the solution to life, to stop and to be real with myself through seeing what is here in Fact as the physical that we all share and to see the obvious that spiritualism isnt here in fact as not even two people can confirm the same within spiritualism.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself giving into the attraction of spiritualism as a solution to life to stop and see that I am no better than a moth flying towards a light, following and energetic feeling instead of what is here as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself deceiving myself that Love and Light is a solution to the world and the problems that is here, to stop and to be self honest within using common sense – that Love and Light as Spiritualism has had Thousands of Years on the planet to prove itself as the solution to life here on earth to create a life that is best for All LIFE, and yet in FACT everything has only worsen to where we have literally HELL on earth for almost all life on earth.

I commit myself to when and as I belief that Spiritualism is a solution to life to stop and be self honest within what is here – to see that Spiritualism isnt a solution for all life as it is only designed for Humans and the self interest of humans and can not/does not include all life such as the animals and plants and all that is here as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participate within and as a energy feeling/emotion of that there must be something spiritual out there and that I must be looking at what it is, to see that I am running from what is right here in front of me and facing what I have accepted and allowed to exist/create in this world.

I commit myself to show that Love and light as Spiritualism is a product of Capitalism where the idea of a Better life somewhere else is sold to people so that they do not have to look and fix at what is here in the physical reality so that those who make billions may continue doing so without any distractions.

I commit myself to show that those that do fall for the trap of spiritualism like myself DO want to make a better world for all but did/do not know of any other way as another alternative and a solution of how to change things here in this reality and thus FALL for the first thing that seems promising, and to show that there is a real solution this life with the Desteni message and applying and LIVING it as what is best for all Life with the Equal Money system solution as a new monetary system designed and based on what is best for all lfe within the mathematical physical equation of 1+1=2.

I commit myself to support and assist others within seeing and realizing that spiritualism inst a solution through using common sense and showing self honesty to them as I have seen and realized it for myself one and equal.

I commit myself to stand as the solution this LIFE that is real and best for all life within exposing love and light as spiritualism for what it is as a Consumerism Product of a capitalistic system of Greed and self interest where Feelings and emotions and the mind is used as the product to manipulate and deceive due to people not understanding the basic functions of feelings/emotions/thoughts and where they come from and how they are created and thus it it is always open for abuse and to be used to mind control people and brainwash people to belief anything by simply manipulating the thoughts/feelings/emotions of people.

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Day 187 – Spiritualism and Me – The Broken Character Part 5

Day 182 - The Day I said Fuck Spiritualism 
Day 183 - Spiritualism and Me Part 1
Day 184 - Spiritualism and Me Part 2 

Day 185 - Spiritualism and Me Part 3
Day 186 - Spiritualism and me, the Broken Character Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that spiritualism is a Product of Capitalism targeting Broken characters, as spiritualism is only an option for those who have judged themselves as less than and in need of something they do not have as a lack of something, thus spiritualism is the product that sells fulfillment to Broken characters in a broken world, keeping the characters in a paralyzed state of ever changing and fixing the world for real as the fear is too much, to lose that which I/they Belief now fulfills me/them and completes me/them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I was a broken character as a child seeking attention and love and instead I got the cold shoulder and in turn I started seeking ways to not feel broken or that I am missing something, seeing that spiritualism later on in my life became the ultimate sales pitch that I fell for as it was promising a FIX and that I could fix myself with spiritualism and do not require others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that spiritualism is the Product I fell for because It promised me a fix to my peculiar problem - as I judged myself as a broken character due to how I have judged past experiences where I did not get attention or love or happiness from others and here is this Product called spiritualism that gives me all that i never got and fear not having such as validation/love/happiness in a Broken world and It is a DIY system. It is easy and convenient because I did not have to do anything and still be happy even if the world was burning around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see ad realize that I fell for the Product of spiritualism as it was/is a product that each one can abuse/use as they please and that there was no set principals and thus could use it and train myself in the product to become a great manipulator in that which I Fear never having such as love and happiness and joy and to always get it through making myself special and seem more than others and unique and wise and thus get Love and attention and happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fell for spiritualism because I saw it was bullshit and that I could use it to my own self interest and agendas for getting attention and validation and eventually SEX and MONEY as that is to where all points lead.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my true motivations from myself of that first time I decided to become spiritual and to then forget the secret motivations and agendas as to deceive myself to be effective in the deception of love and light to attain those secret motivations and agendas such as getting SEX and Money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that spiritualism is a lie and that it is made up within the understanding that Life on earth is fucked up and that there is a solution required but No one is willing to in fact change and thus spiritualism is the way to hide as it takes self responsibility and the fact away and leave it for the children to come to deal with as everyone now believe life only starts after death due to believing in things we make up and cannot see.
To be continued.

Day 186 – Spiritualism and Me as the broken character Part 4.

A cool point in relation to spiritualism opened up for me tonight, I was talking to a couple of people about the past and about grandparents and their history and how their lives was, and then as we talked a memory opened up about my grandparents and then about me.

My grandfather had a gift when he was still alive according to what I was told he could speak with ghosts and he could see things happening before they happened, he could for instance walk into a house and then he would say someone here will die in a week’s time and then it would happen – this was part of the pre – programming design where some people could see the pre-programming, part of the enslavement.

In my family we were three boys and then the parents, from my mother’s side my grandfather had this ability and my Mother believed herself to have the six sense ability, dreaming stuff and feeling bad things will happen and then it happens, I remember as a boy how these stories was told and how I would always find them very attractive as it was out of the ordinary and “special” because no one I knew directly could speak with ghosts and greet them and see who is going to die and when and stuff like that.

Back then it wasn’t yet defined within me as being spiritual, it was simply what people could do – and as a young kid I wanted to have these abilities, because of the way the Adults told the stories and how they improvised on them and how it was given value in the words and mannerisms in telling the stories, I wanted people to talk about me like that.

This took place in my childhood years between 0 and 12, I remember my mother being curious if one of her children would have gotten the gifts or the “six sense as what her Father had, I mean - if one of us did have this gift we would have been accepted and valued in our mothers eyes and be loved even more and be special – this is what any kid wants from his/her mother at that age and to be special and out of the ordinary makes it even better, as we have been brainwashed to define ourselves according to other people and how they see us.

I started questioning myself and if I do have these gifts or the six senses, because the possibility was here as my grandfather had it so I can have it through genetics. I then started wanting to have these gifts; I started forcing myself to create things that aren’t here.

For instance – this one time my brother had a dream and he went and told my mother about the dream, because the dream scared him, I overheard the dream from around the corner of the living room, I then afterwards went to my mother and told her about a dream I had, and this dream was exactly the same as my brother, but I obviously pretended to not know about my brothers dream, because this would have given my mother the impression that I have the six sense ability and can dream what others dream LOL.

I started to develop myself in such a way where I would manipulate others into believing what I am saying as being genuine and true – another example with my older brother is – I one day over heard my brother talking to my mother and father about a thing that he was experiencing, my brother was quite emotional and he projected the emotions as being other people’s emotions, he wasn’t aware of it back then, but he told my parents that he could feel other people’s emotions when he is around them and that he cannot handle it and does not know what to do within it and he cried, I was sitting on the stairs over hearing the conversation once again in secret – then later that day as the little manipulator that I was creating myself to be. to be loved and get attention and acceptance and validation from my mother – I went to my mother and I stood in front of her and I said, mom I have this thing, I can feel other people’s emotions and feelings that they have inside of them, I can feel when someone is sad or angry or in fear, my mother stared on at me and I was awaiting that moment of being validated as being special, it did not happen because it was quite obvious what I was doing lol.

I noticed that it wasn’t working and I wasn’t getting anywhere - My mother wasn’t approving of me and I wasn’t getting to be special, because what do I know what someone is special, they get to be happy and everyone gets to love them and they can live a life of acceptance, so I wanted that.

I tried a new approach, this was through my dad and then my mother, I remember one night driving with my dad from the city to our small village we were living in, the road we were driving on was very wobbly, meaning it was up hill and then downhill, so for a moment when you are up on the hill you can see what is coming from the other side and then for a minute or so downhill you cant, I saw this as a perfect opportunity to manipulate my father into believing I can see/feel things happening in the future.

So what I did was – as we drove I could see my dad was distracted from a long day of hard work and frustration – as I sat next to him I looked at him and I said, dad I have something to tell you, I have had this for a while now but haven’t shared it with anyone because I feel it makes me weird, my dad said – Gian you can tell me anything I will always listen, I ten told my dad, I can “feel” things inside of me that still has to happen or come to past, my dad said, okay can you explain it a bit more to me?

I knew in using the word “feel” I can get away with anything, because no one understands feeling and emotions and how it is created or how it functions so using the word feel makes it all more powerful as it must mean something DEEP and special and un explainable - lol till you study Desteni.

And Then I told my dad – let me demonstrate to you what I mean – as we are on this wobbly road I knew I could simply when we are on top of the hill see how many cars are coming from afar and count them and then as we go downhill we won’t see them again till they pass us, so I told my dad okay, I can right now feel that there are three cars coming and that they will pass us. My dad said okay let’s see – and a few seconds later three cars passed us, My dad was amazed and he actually believed me – well it seemed that way anyway.

I used this moment to upgrade my skill in manipulating and how to do it and develop it to get to the point where It can seem real and I can be special.
To be continued.

Day 185 – Spiritualism and Me Part 3.

Day 182 - The Day I said Fuck Spiritualism 
Day 183 - Spiritualism and Me Part 1
Day 184 - Spiritualism and Me Part 2 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HIDE behind the light so that all I see is light and do not have to look at what is HERE as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BLIND myself with the light concept within spiritualism where the light is the positive and the good, only seeing the light as positive and good I am abdicating my actual responsibility to be able to respond to what is here on EARTH as the physical in my physical application to fix/correct what is here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see what is going on in the world and that it is ABUSE of LIFE and to within this Fear what is Here and instead of correcting and fixing what is here give into the fear and Hide in the light so that I do not have to see anymore, not realizing that if I have to ever stop looking into the bright light that blinds my sight that the consequences will only have worsen and that it will be inevitable for me to face these consequences, thus I see and realize I must stop participating in spiritualism as me Hiding from the truth here as the physical and Start immediately on fixing/correcting what is here and take full self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that The only motivation for participating in spiritualism as the love and light concepts is from FEAR, because I see and realize within my self- honesty that only because FEAR exists can love and light exist as there would not have been any other purpose for love and light but to Hide from fear as the opposite of fear which is LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hide in fear of what is Here as Life on EARTH as we have and are creating is as within participating in the one and only thing that can be used successfully to deceive self to belief that everything will be okay and that is Spiritualism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I participate within spiritualism as Love and LIGHT and positivity that I have already within such a decision decided that FEAR wins and therefore love and light is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop participating within spiritualism as the fear of Losing LOVE and having to actually face what I have created on earth as a co-creator of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as something such as spiritualism is required to solve problems that the problem has already WON and that those who participate within spiritualism is only confirming the problem to be too big to fix as the alternative solution as Love and Light as spiritualism is of a alternate reality that isn’t real which indicates running away and Hiding, seeing and realizing that it is within such actions that the problem only escalates and become bigger as consequences as all will instead go for the easy way as spiritualism and thus no one is actually in fact solving the problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that IF People and myself INSTEAD solve problems on earth and fix what we have accepted and allowed to exist and create that a thing such as spiritualism would have no purpose or value or meaning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if I use /spend my money and time on fixing and correcting our Planet and creating a world that is BEST for all LIFE instead of using it on crap such as spiritualism where you invest in something that is Utterly insane and none existent that a real change WILL happen that is true transcendence and a new world that is best for all such as the Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that spiritualism is ONLY existent within the mind and that it cannot exist without the physical body and thus it is more than enough evidence that all can confirm equally within applying basic math of 1+1=2 as the physical that it is not Real and only made belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I fear negativity as the opposite of positivity as Love and Light that I will never be able to in FACT change a single things in this reality, as I see and realize that Negativity is where one must go to see the problem first and then to solve it to that which is best for all life and not as a positive good thing as that would only require the negative again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BLIND myself of the Obvious FACT that to participate within Positivity as love and light I must support all that is evil and negative for me to be able to be positive otherwise I will not know what positive is, and thus I see and realize I must stop this abuse of the polarity game and stand as that which is best for all life which is a physical equation and not based on a feeling or emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to participate within Positivity as love and light as spiritualism that I want the negative to be more negative and worse as this is a great opportunity for me to be even more fucking special and make money out of spiritualism, because as the world gets more shit and fucked up more and more people will seek positivity and thus I can make money from being positive as I will sell it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not seeing and realize that Spiritualism is a buy product of greed as capitalism, because if spiritualism was the Real answer in fact within the context of how it is presented as being able to help people with thoughts and sending out light and positivity then no products would have ever have had to be made and the world should have been heaven one earth, yet it isn’t, it is in reverse and spiritualism is only a thing that some can afford with money to buy the products as it is simply a SCAM that all who wants to do good but do not have an alternative will fall for.

To be continued.

Day 184 – Spiritualism and Me Part 2

Continuation of: 

Day 182 – The Day I said F*** Spiritualism.

Day 183 – Spiritualism and Me Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within spiritualism because I saw that it serves self interest and is easy, not seeing and realizing that as spiritualism promotes self interest to the ultimate degree - that is Greed and the very thing that is the cause of almost all suffering on earth, and through me participating within spiritualism as love and light and believing in a spiritual realm and others things that distract me and all those I poison with spiritualism from the physical reality and to do something real to change the world to a place that is best for all life that I am the cause of the world spiraling to its destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Go for spiritualism because I saw it was easy and that no real change was required in fact, but only me having to built more characters that can pretend to be something else and be special and feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hide the fact that I knew when I participated in spiritualism that it wasn’t working and wasn’t real because I had to always pretend and act and make it all up, yet I would promote it as truth and real for others just so that i can give the impression it is working for me and thus it must mean I am special and seeking that within others and for them to recognize it as I lie to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Lie to other beings about spiritualism and all that it includes as LOA and the white light and Reiki and Crustal healing and astral traveling and spiritual communication and that I was able to do some of those things just be feel special and to within that built a Lie of myself in others eyes that I fear breaking through telling them the truth as it will reveal the true me as a Liar and a deceptive cunt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Play with other human beings and their lives through Lying to them about my spiritual experiences and making them feel like they are missing out and that there is something more to life that they are missing and thus they are not as good as me as I have had these experiences first hand yet knowing it is a full on LIE in their faces just to get a kick out of to feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enforce all myself judgments and insecurities and fears of myself through participating in something that promotes the opposite as a solution, not seeing and realizing that the more I participated within the opposite side as spiritualism as happiness and feeling good and being enlightened that I was in the polarity side in secret in my mind only enforcing the negative as the positive requires the negative to exist and so only make myself feel more insecure, more fearful and more depressed as I felt more and more like this I had to make myself belief that I was getting happier and happier and achieving more and more spiritual things to suppress the secret inner world of myself, never solving anything but only enforcing ignorance and bliss while the world shows the true nature of what I was enforcing as everything getting worse and worse and more suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that spiritualism is a solution when and as I can see with the physical evidence that is here for all to see equally and confirm that in the thousands of years that spiritualism has had its chance to change the world to a place that is best for all life – that life on earth has only gotten way worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that spiritualism is a product that is sold to people so that money can be made, since it promotes happiness and bliss that which everyone wants in life it is like a fly trap and very easy to get trapped with as it only requires gullible people to make it work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if spiritualism was real then no one had to teach me about it, and that if spiritualism was real then I would have known about if from birth as a part of who I am, yet spiritualism is something that has to be taught and practiced for decades with no results as it requires people to constantly be in the mind keeping it alive never in fact becoming a living state as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I was born that all that was/is here is the physical and no one had to teach me about it or show it to me or give me teachings from ancient times so that I could understand it, as I am the physical in fact and can be confirmed by all equally and myself, and thus as this is proof that what is here is being ignored and neglected through giving value and attention to something irrational in the minds of people in search for more just so that people do not have to face what is actually required to change this world to a place that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all the time I spend in my mind in attempting and trying to make spiritualism real – I could have made a real impact in that same time on what IS HERE and is REAL s the physical and create a better world for all.
To be continued.

Day 183 – Spiritualism and Me Part 1

Day 182 – The Day I said F*** Spiritualism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by the love and light movement as a solution to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is possible to change the world and end all the suffering that is only osculating in the world through love and light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself to belief that if I am positive and it I am only sending love out to the world that it will change the world, not seeing the obvious that it is only to make me feel better about myself that I am not in fact changing the world and doing something and that my actions can be justified in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I send out everyday a bit of love and light into the world that my daily work for changing the world is done and I can now only feel good, realizing that I only did that from the starting point of feeling good and not in fact to help anyone or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within making myself belief that if I change nothing of myself as Who I am and how I live as what I do but only send out love and light with my mind into projection in my mind that it will change the world, not seeing how reality in fact functions as me having to actually physically change and move myself to bring change for the rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through participating in love and light KILL and murder all common sense within me through giving love and light more value and weight than the actuality of how the physical work and functions and what is needed to be done to get things changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and to admit to myself that the first time I started participating within love and light I was excited and wanted to change the world but after a while I saw it did not work and I was disappointed but instead of standing up and saying Love and light is bullshit I continued in the fear of what others will say about me when I suddenly quite and say the opposite of what I imposed of myself to be in their eyes as love and light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear admitting that Love and Light does not work and that I found this out for myself when and as I practiced love and light after a while and Nothing changed, the only thing tat did change was I was now more able/capable of deceiving myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue pretending that love and light does work after I found out for myself it is bullshit and does not work in the fear of what others will think of me and what will happen to my reputation I built as a love and light worker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping to pretend that love and light works even as the world clearly shows everything is only getting worse, as I fear that when I admit I was wrong that I will be held accountable for only being part of the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within spiritualism as love and light in the attempt to be special and unique, because I know and realized that love and light can be bent to any persons onw self interest as it isn’t real and thus I knew I could use love and light to justify everything about myself and make it all seem as if it is something special and thus not having to change it or myself as I could simply use love and light to justify everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiritualism as a weapon and tool to only serve my own happiness where I could always win in why my happiness is more important then others as I could simply say things like “if I am happy and positive I will effect the universe and so everyone will become happy and the world would change” knowing that because it sounds so fucking nice and easy anyone will simply agree with me and I win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiritualism as a weapon to always win where I can keep my lifestyle and do not have to change anything while I promote it as a solution, knowing that it is only a solution to my life as it makes everyone around me accept and allow my life style of bliss and happiness as I know it isn’t real and can simply be bent and molded to make everyone I tell about my justifications and reasons for being happy and blissfully to somehow be the best for all as it obviously isn’t.