Day 193 – The End of the World Wish.

Since I was a teenager and I was aware of the world and how fucked up everything in this world is, such as the wars and poverty and especially the cruelty and abuse towards Animals and the oceans and the forests and in general Planet earth. I always had a wish that everything will just come to an end.

Everything coming to an end means that the human must die instantly and leave the earth to herself with all the animals and plants to live here, because they are obviously not the problem or any danger to life here, it is literally JUST the Human, the thing that I am.

I used to sit in my room or while driving in the car and think and imagine a meteorite hitting earth and killing all the humans, this can obviously not work because then the animals would also die, so I would think about what can kill the human and not harm anything else – I thought about Bombs that can be used that only kill humans, but what made the most sense was for a goal like this to work - a virus, but there is always a cure and the population on earth is only getting more with humans, even with all the diseases.

Every-time I turned on the T.V and the news was on all I would see was abuse and still today the same, only it has gotten WAY worse, and when I read the newspapers all I see is crime, murder, rape and animal cruelty and MONEY problems everywhere and abuse and people raping dogs and sheep and horses and torturing animals for their pleasures.

I got really really angry within all of this, I joined a few groups such as Green peace, and I tried doing things in my environment to help such as cleaning all the fields from the human rubbish and separating human trash into categories so it can be reused/recycled and I signed petitions and I did competitions for naming whales to save the whales and stuff like that.

BUT it was never enough, the shit just got worse and worse, I would read things that I never thought of existing on the Planet I live on and share with all others – How the fuck can we all sit by and let things happen the way they do?

I used to get drunk and just burst open and talk to everyone about what I have been keeping in, about how fucked up life is and how the abuse is getting worse and that we must all do something – I remember when I did this all the friends that was there were standing around me looking Cool and distancing themselves from me, as if what I was saying was weird or not normal – I said lets fucking do something to stop what is happening on OUR planet and that was weird and not normal.

No one ever replied or gave me an opinion or and idea in relation to YES lets change the world, it was always against me, each and every-time, as if I was doing something terrible – How dare you want to change the world.

This was before I was with Desteni and the equal money system, so I did not have any direction to give either, but still.

So after all these events I started also giving up and just not give a shit, my wish to change the world started changing into something dark – a wish for chaos and turmoil and suffering and for a world in darkness, I mean if no one is going to, or can change the world than I might as-well fuck it up faster to get it over with – this was me going into the polarity and giving up on myself and feeling powerless.
I became half senseless and emotionless.feeling-less, I started wishing death upon everyone and I wished it would be a long one, because everyone is asking for it within their behavior and attitudes. No one is fucking willing to change to change their Life style for the sake of their own planet.

I used to sit in my room and have thoughts about how I would survive the end of the world days, because I wished upon everyone else destruction I obviously wished upon myself to Live, because I somehow in my mind confidence me that I was special and that I deserved to live where others do not,

Obviously I wasn't considering their lives and maybe they went through the same, but that wasn't the main concern, I never started with myself and to set an example that it is in fact possible to change and to live it as who I am as a life that is best for all Life, and here I am with Desteni and Equal Money System – now I have to remove the past as a me in memories (me more lies memorizing myself) as I am currently still living as the past as what I have accepted and allowed and trained myself to always giving up, falling, feeling I can not do this, it is to big. No one else wants to, and to stop those patterns and Stand absolutely in every breathe.

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Self forgiveness Next.