Day 344 – Kids at work.

It has happened a few times now that there are kids at my work around the show room. While the parents are looking for cars the kids aged around 2-4 will be walking with and around the place, I as usual will be walking around or standing somewhere. Before I know it the kids are around me and they want to play, or they simply like to be around me.

Kids are comfortable around me since I could remember, they enjoy me for some reason, I can’t say what the difference is because I am surely not familiar with it yet, it is most probably my resonance that I have always had, people Trust me, as I am trust worthy.

So today there was a Kid at work, the third one recently that literally leaves their mom/dad to be around me, and I experienced myself as becoming uncomfortable after a while, because here is this kid, another person’s kid, and he trusts me, and he is comfortable around me, not with the other 5 people standing around as well, but with me.

I find that I then feel like I must do something, why else is the kid here with me, the kid is probably expecting something of me, should I entertain the kid, should I take the kid back to his parents, what does the kid want from ME specifically, this only came up today because it is the third kid in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as a child is within my presence that I must become an entertainer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children only wants entertainment, not considering that maybe all they want is some stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as not being able to entertain a kid when and as I assume that a kid wants entertainment from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I am only entertainment for kids when and as they are around/with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as only being able to give entertainment to kids otherwise I am useless beyond that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as useless when and as I have nothing more to give other than my entertainment to kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that kids only seek entertainment and that entertainment is the only need kids have for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way kids can like me is if I am entertaining, not seeing and realizing that the kids came to me before I ever seemed entertaining and thus I created that point within me and towards the kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all I am good for is entertainment, not seeing and realizing that I am also stability and not your daily person as within the system, as I do not create a child as less than me or place them as incapable of anything within me and that kids will see this quality within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my qualities that I have within me that will draw kids to me for stability and some realness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear my ability that I have that makes it literally instant for kids to trust me and to be comfortable around me, enough that I will have instant effect on them within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deny my natural ability that I have with kids (the same as what I have with animals) because I fear the responsibility that comes with it, seeing and realizing that I only fear the responsibility of the point because I judge it as bad and not good for the parents side of that child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids and animals in the fear that others will feel less then or inferior to me for when the child/animal chooses me over them even when it is their own kid/owner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself with the kids/animals with my natural ability as who I am but to instead give into fear as the mind as consciousness and to limit and suppress and hide myself away from it all out of the fear of facing conflict with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear jealousy from others within my natural abilities that I have towards kids and animals, seeing and realizing that the fear of jealousy is coming from knowing myself when and as I am jealous and who I become when I am jealous seeing others applying their abilities without holding themselves back and that I then am only jealous because of myself holding myself back within my natural abilities and applying it effectively as others are.

Day 343 – Getting home from work, the Fly trap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home to sit down for a LONG time and just watch shows and drink coffee and stand around and waist time, instead of doing what I know I have to do and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not do what I have sat out for myself to do once I get home from work and to instead fall into the MIND as the thoughts as the back chat of “ I had a long day I deserve to do nothing for a while” seeing and realizing that it is a excuse/justification for what I am not doing what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do and get done once I get home through falling into the mind instead of remaining in breathe and doing physically what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home and see others are watching something to GET distracted and to then sit down and also just watch something I don’t really want to watch for the sake of doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by what is going on at home once I get home and to then fall into the pattern of staying within the distraction from the fear of missing out, instead of seeing and realizing that I can simply stand up and go away and do what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make LESS time for myself and what I want to do through being distracted by what others are doing and busy with once I get home from work within the fear of Missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do ir set myself out to do through and within the fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I get home from work that the Lounge is a Fly trap and that I am the fly and that if I get distracted and fly into the fly trap that I will trap myself, and not see the opening till it is too late and I have missed all the time I had to get the things done I wanted to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rush hour for myself through wasting my time being distracted by what others are doing and busy with and wanting to just be around within the attempt to feel that I am not missing out within the excuse within myself, I was out working all day, I can sit down and do nothing now for a long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and create myself as one big excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that work during the day is hard and that it does take my energy, but once I get home after an hour of driving and doing nothing I have recovered and thus I have all the energy I need to do more and more and that breathing is a tool I have that does not require energy to move myself and thus can always be used to see what’s real and not and thus I see how I create the excuses through using the past and creating it in the present just to have an excuse of “ I am still tired” I must sit down and watch this episode, and the next one, and drink two coffees, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern for a couple of weeks now as a actual decision I make within myself every time, seeing and realizing that compromise and self-sabotage and the level of doing that to myself I am still at and how disturbing it really is for myself that I still haven’t corrected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone correcting myself within the excuse that I have already not corrected myself for a couple of days now what is one more day going to change, not seeing and realizing that that one more day has turned out to be a couple of weeks now and that I have created a pattern that is now controlling me and directing me and making decisions for me and thus compromising myself entirely as the mind as energy as limitation to what I am truly capable of when I breathe and push myself to my potential I know I am if applied for myself in self honesty.

Day 342 – Self transformation to be a father Part 1

I have been considering a lot of thing ever since I found out I am going to be a father of a child, a Tiny little human being coming into this world.

Everything I have been doing for the last two months since finding out have been magnified. All my bad habits and shitty patterns that I have been accepting and allowing within me for so long is now even bigger within me, because I have realize one thing.

My child WILL learn from me.

It is truly that simple, it isn’t more, so Who I am within all of me is extremely important, and when I say who I am I mean me in fact, not a pretentious me that is pretending to characters and personalities, mean me in fact, inside and out.

And I realize daily it isn’t much longer then the child will be here, The baby is already being trained/learning on a cellular level, I mean cells are alive, they are right now at this moment building the baby into a specific form with the coding DNA that is has from me and my partner, that in itself is already here as the DNA.

Every day when I see my partner I know that who I am towards her as who I am is already effecting the baby, it is common sense, the baby is literally part of her, the baby is being created within her, the baby is of her and a tiny part of me, the baby if using all of my partners body where necessary to develop him/her self.

This by itself shows that my words as the sounds that I speak when my partner is within a certain range of her will be heard by the baby, by the body, the cells and the water of the baby, it is how it works, it isn’t like the baby is protected from it all, it is all taking effects at a quantum physical level, through the sounds, through what my partner is experiencing the baby is also experiencing, they are currently still one body.

Besides that point, I now see all my habits/patterns, I see where I am lazy and where I am postponing and all those things that I know when the baby is here and I do not correct those point that it will become the child, it will be picked up, it will be taught, it will have an effect.

For example, my room has wires from the computers and stuff laying low on the floor and there are sharp table sides and there are cups standing on the tables and there are shoes and bags laying on the floor and there are open dustbins standing next to the desks and cupboards with no doors and there are little screws on the floor and coins laying at random spots and the floor isn’t really that clean, I would not lick it and all these things that I now notice.

When I see these things I KNOW that when the baby is here it cannot be that way, it must be fixed, because the baby will interact with the physical reality on all levels possible, licking and sucking and biting and touching and crawling and all those things anywhere and with all things possible.

And all the things that I am now noticing is “natural things” that is normal to lay around, it is parts of me that is laying around or still existing within my world because of who I am, to lazy to pick up the nail on the floor with a justification of it won’t hurt anyone, it is fine there for now, and the dustbin all open, it does not affect me so it’s all right for now, or the empty cups on my desk that can be thrown down and break and then cut the baby, its pure laziness for not putting it away where it is designed to be again after use.

And all the cables laying open all over, t does not matter of the baby is coming now or in ten years really, it is a matter of living a principal, always in consideration of what is here.

I was given a great perspective once, about four years ago here on the farm just as I started working outside, we were cleaning the one garden and then I said I am done. Then Bernard came to me and he said, are you sure you are done, I said yes it looks done, he said it does not matter how it looks, is it done, can you put a child/baby in this garden and you will know the child/baby is 100% save.

I then reconsidered my answer and I said NO, Bernard then said, okay make sure that is it save enough that a child can play here and nothing will be able to harm the child, isn’t that what it means to be a responsible parent, to make sure that you bring your child into a world where there is nothing that can harm your child.

I also then realize how fucked up this world is because there is ONLY harm within this world awaiting any child around all corners, and that there is NO responsible parents in this world, we can take self-responsibility currently for our own environments if we can afford it, seeing that safety is linked to money instead of a human right as it is supposed to be and then change the world so that every child of all species/races all life will have a Save environments to grow up within, and that in its obvious conclusion will create a save world, because we like to do onto others as they have done onto us (currently everyone with money is basically asking to be killed). If we are cared for we will care and then it becomes do onto others as you would like to be done onto automatically, but NO one is caring, its survival and competition and self-interest and ignorance everywhere, I was raised in a world where there was a constant threat on my life and still is, Rape/murder/war/poverty/starvation/habitat loss fucking name it.

So here I am, a father to be, I see my design, This is my design that I am taking on to change so that I know I can honor myself, have self-respect.
To be continued.

Day 341 - The man Symbol Part 1

I am watching a new series called rectified, it is about a prisoner that was on death row that now got set free after twenty years, so this is guy is now out and about in the world again and everything seems strange to him, and he has lost a lot of human interaction ability, he is slowish and quite and still old style from his time in his life, he was send to prison for raping and killing a girl and now found to not be guilty of the crime.

I am writing here about a certain scene that took place, where this guy which is the main character talk to other guy and he gives the other guy a experience of what happened in prison, this part was something that hit me and why I am writing this blog post today.

The main character was giving a play by play memory experience to the other guy of how he basically got raped in the showers in prison. It was interesting to hear this and to see the experiences that came up within me in relation to such an experience/situation.

He mentioned how he was one morning walking to the showers, and as he turned on the water and started showing a group of other men came in in, he said that you believe you can do something and stop it, yet you can not, and while it is happening you can make yourself believe that you are defending or fighting for some kind of a symbol that you hold of what a man is supposed to be. But it just continue and continue and continue, and there is nothing you can do, and then as quick as the men came in they are out and you stand up from the floor, the water is still running and you just continue showering and you put your cloths on and the guards is still near by,

I found it interesting how I actually placed myself within such a situation and I took myself there where I could see the MIND stuff that would have gone on within me if such an situation would have been happening to me, and I saw this symbol of manhood that I carry with me, and how that would have been one of the actual only fears facing within such a event, because my entire life I have defined myself and limited myself according to @manhood@ and what it is and stand for.

This is where I see that a even such as a gang rap would completely destroy such self definitions of manhood, and the symbol of manhood within me, and yet it is only of the mind once again, physically the body is abused, the body is being tortured and being raped, but anything else attached to what is happening within the mind is what creates separation as fear towards and within such an event.

To be Continued.

Day 340 - Authority complex Part 1

Why do I make every person in my Life the authority of me, let me answer my own question for myself.

As I was writing out that sentence another sentence popped up in my head, like the little naughty me saying “ because then I can manipulate people to like me, giving them power over me and then use that power once they like me to manipulate them into what I want.

Ok that came out quite clear lol, just like that, self-honesty in a moment, being honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give authority to others over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have authority over me because I have learned as a child when I do that it makes the other person almost immediately likening me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use authority as a weapon to manipulate others into liking me, because I gave them a position of power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weakness of others as their cravings for power as authority against them through giving them authority over me deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can always get away with it, not seeing and realizing that if I keep on doing this I will one day get stuck in such a position and there might be no way out .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that if I give another human being authority over me within the attempt to later on use that power and turn it against the other being as helping me/being kind to me, doing something for me, being my friend at the cost of having to be a slave for the other person that someday I might do it to the wrong person and then I might be a slave to the position for real and no way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the consequences of submitting myself to everyone in my world just to be accepted and to be liked and the long term consequences of that that I will never have and develop self-respect and self-honor as all my actions is of self-diminishment just for the purpose of being liked and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that when and as I give others authority over me that I can use that to turn the power against them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect for myself because I never took the position of authority over myself but instead give it away to others to use me and to abuse me and to within that make myself believe that after all the use and abuse it will somehow pay off as I was a good boy, and therefore good boys get rewards, seeing and realizing that once the other person has become comfortable within having authority over me that it will not stop unless I stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT develop self-honor for myself for standing as my own authority and directing and moving myself and to not do everything I do just to be liked/accepted but because I see within self-honesty that it needs to be done or said even if someone else do not like it and that I might be dislike, but at least I will have my self-honor for who I am and doing what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 339 - Self-Interest is Ignorant to consideration Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I walk/move/participate within my day to be in my mind, to focus on my thoughts and create feelings/emotions within me and to be focused on the feeling and emotions as being real, and to within this have no actual consideration possible within my physical reality and how I move and participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for not being focused and in full consideration of my physical reality as I participate within and as my mind instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my thoughts/feeling/emotions real within me through giving them attention, seeing and realizing that when and as I do not give my thoughts/feelings/emotions attention that they suddenly stop and have no more source of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my energy to my thoughts/feelings/emotions and to within this have no physical energy during the day and thus get tired and so start to lose focus and not being able to consider everything within and as how my physical reality functions/Works and thus make mistakes that is unnecessary and that bears consequences unwanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act and to not move within and as the physical when and as I see I can and to instead give value to how I feel and to let that direct me, seeing and realizing that within this I am making and defining the feelings/emotions/thoughts to be my creator, when in fact I am the creator of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts/feelings/emotions and to then make myself believe that they came to me and that it must mean something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give meaning and purpose to my thoughts/feelings/emotions as the mind as energy as a way/justification to not take full responsibility for myself and my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my ability that I know I have if I take full self-responsibility for my reality and when and as I then have full consideration within and as the physical as myself, because I know that if I have full consideration at all times as myself as the physical that I have to act/take responsibility for all the points I see.

To be continued.

Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions where I lose myself and create all these different experiences for myself during my day that only compromises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to consider that I am the problem participating within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions when and as I am blaming and pointing fingers at others for being the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for how I experience myself within and as situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create situation for myself within my actions/words/behaviors of blaming other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that what is going on within me internally will have an effect within my world and how I participate and do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that when and as I blame others for what is happening within me as my experiences as my thoughts/feelings/emotions that I am giving them power over me, as they apparently have power to create me and thus what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within me within seeing and realizing that I have been all along creating my reality within how I participate within my internal reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that even now after seeing and realizing this point for myself actually that I will forget and then it will just continue as before, and thus nothing change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe as my stabilizer and to always stop the mind no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “forget” to stop my thoughts/feelings/emotions when and as they are here and consuming me within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “forgetting” as an excuse to the actual truth, that I enjoy having thoughts within my mind where I can just blame others for how I experience myself , because I know that I in fact have to take self-responsibility for the thoughts/feeling and emotions within me and that it requires walking the talking which takes effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy blaming others and to enjoy the self-righteousness energy feeling that I gain from within blaming and how I feel that I am empowering myself from a mind perspective, meanwhile I am actually in fact giving away all my actual physical power to move and direct myself effectively within reality and only compromise ALL my relationships.

To be continued.

Day 337 – Self-interest is ignorant to Consideration Part 2

Continuing from Day 336 - self interest is ignorant toconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am within self-interest I narrow myself down to not be able to consider anything besides my self-interest and thus limited myself within my actual physical participation within reality and my effectiveness within applying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest as the INNER world of me and to focus on only my inner world and what I am experiencing, seeing and realizing that when and as I give my focus to my inner world as myself self-interest then I can obviously not focus on the physical actual reality/world and be effective within applying the physical as myself, and thus have consequences that flow out from my actions such as forgetting or missing out key points/steps within doing/fulfilling a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my INNER world so important and what I experience that it controls everything I do and even who I am, and thus accordingly control my every move and how I do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that whe4n and as I focus on my internal reality that is of multiple dimensions at all times as feelings/emotions/thoughts/back-chat etc. that I will miss the obvious within my physical reality and thus continue to make mistakes instead of learning from them and correcting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making the same mistake over and over again, seeing and realizing that I have to stop all forms of the mind that will attempt to keep me in the mind such as self-judgment to be able to stop the mind and to breathe and focus my abilities within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the common sense that when and as I am not within and as the physical one and equal within my participation that I will not learn to understand the physical effectively, as I do see and realize that the physical functions in actual physical steps within physical processes that take place such as the equality equation of 1+1=2 and that to see the actuality of this I must actually live and breathe in and as my body one and equal within and as the physical where I can take in all that is here in consideration in and as the physical and accordingly take physical actions as required, and not skip steps and ignore certain steps that is vital because I will for instance be in the mind as self-interest and only be focused on what I FEEL like doing or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am in the mind participating within and as energy as thoughts as memories that I will only be able to see the mind and not the physical as the real actual participant.
To be continued.

Day 336 – self-interest is ignorant to consideration Part 1

Today was “workers Day” which is a public holiday, so I had a off day, I did not have to do anything, yet I did some stuff on the farm. I had this entire day ahead of me to do anything I set myself to.
I decided to take down a fence, this fence formed part of an old chicken camp, it is quite big, and all the chickens that was in there has been chased out to the Bigger camp next to this camp, the purpose is to extend our Yard which is pretty small at the moment.

So I had the day off and I saw that I can use the time to be practical and get things done, within myself I saw that taking the fence down was what I wanted to do, so let me do it.

I first went to a couple of people to discuss what I want to do just to be clear on the points involved, so when I spoke to people, the point that came up was – where is the chickens that used to be in that camp, and do they have a new home.

The common sense points that was revealed to me that I did not see myself as I was in the sight of self-interest as to what I wanted to do, instead of what needs to be done, was that it is fucking WINTER, how did I not miss that obvious consideration, and the chickens that was chased from their homes do not have a new place to stay, so 1+1=2 chickens outside chased from home in the middle of winter with temperatures of minus four coming, they will die, or have a great possibility of dying.

I was given the common sense that it is NO different from taking humans from their homes and chasing them outside, the first and most important point is to GIVE shelter/safety the humans/chickens and then to only afterwards pursue on the mission.

how did I not take in consideration the chickens as myself, as living beings, and equally consider for them what i would consider for myself and to implement it, to create it, to do it as I would have done for myself, wanted for myself. 

The points I saw within my self-interest was, I can take the fence down today, it will be quick and then it will be done, that I the time I have for today to do something.

BUT that whole statement was a Justification, it was self-interest.

If I did not use the sight of self-interest but instead of seeing what is here within the physical, then I would have seen the following, which is stating the obvious.

Here is a camp; there were chickens within this camp, where are the chickens now? Do the chickens have a new cam?, does the new camp have food and water? Does the new cam have a HOME/shelter, for safety, IT is winter, it is getting cold, does the chickens have a home that will protect them from the cold/frost, and accordingly I should have taken self-directive steps to secure the obvious common sense points, and only then proceed to taking off the fence, because then I would have known, I can do this, it is now the right time to do it.

So, after the obvious was made clear to me, I felt like shit, because I saw who I was within wanting o do something, I only wanted to do something that would fit my self-interest, I only wanted to what I felt like doing, I only wanted to make myself feel good for doing something.

I felt stupid, because when the obvious was made clear to me, it was so fucking obvious I could not believe that I could not have seen it myself, how in the world did I miss it all… I then had back chat that was attempting to secure myself self-interest, but I know better, I stopped and I breathed and I instead moved myself to the other points.

I went to the new camp the chickens were in, I looked around to see what I can do, what IS here and what requires to happen, I saw that they do have one new cage, But it was pretty small, So I looked at the other obvious points, I wasn’t going to build an entire new cage today in one day, so I looked at what is here already and can be used, it is turning winter and the chickens will not breed, and we have quite a big broiler room, where we usually put new born babies to keep them warm, which hasn’t been used for a long time, So I cleaned it out and I started creating a new room for the chickens, it can take at least fifty chickens, to sleep in and be warm, and after I completed that, I then went on to taking down the fence, I did not finish that, but I did start.

So now the next step is to start a new cage ANYWAY, I will when I have the time start, and little by little I will complete a new cage and then we can be sure to also have a broiler room again.
And I will as I have time continue taking down the fence.

I have learned a lot once again on Desteni farm, after not working on the farm for almost three months now as I am in car sales now working in town, I learned a ton more in a matter of one day, about myself and how shit works.
To be continued on SF.

Making Vlogs Day 335

I have been making vlogs in my room for the last three days, I make them so that I can upload them, I find that through speaking in the vlogs and posting vlogs I built self-confidence, and I get feedback on it, which is a great way of self-support in this process of creating myself one and equal within all that is here.

The Philosophy that I had was, I have my phone next to me at all times, and when I have a point that comes up, I make a video immediately, so I have been doing that.

BUT – (here comes the shit) – when I turn the camera on, and I start speaking, I find that what I had in mind, what I had as realization within me, a point that I could see, I am now completely unable to communicate the same way. It is like it changed and all the information just pooped out of my head, or scattered everywhere. And also It never sounds the same LOL.

Here I am, I am getting really tired of this shit, so to say, I want to turn on the camera and I want to speak the realization as I had it within me, the information must come out as it is here, but man, it never happens, I go of topic in the first two minutes, I lose the LINE of information, and I start grabbing other lines and pull them in and in the end I have a knot.

I see that within my writing I create lines, lines that flow as I write, it comes HERE, I am not looking at what I want to write, ot what I have to write or how I must write, it comes as I type each word, this I find is really cool, because I am writing in the moment.

I am mentioning this because I am looking at it and why it is this way within writing but not within my vlogs, what is the difference.

I see the difference is that within writing I will see a point, Let’s say I faced Fear of rejection today, then I make that my topic, and bam there I go, I write it out, with the vlogs I actually see a whole construct and all the connections and how vast things can be, and then I see I have a nice line of information here that I can voice out in a vlog to bring the point across, I know this because I have voiced it in my head already, there is sounds good and all.

So here I turn the camera on and bam, I fucking get lost, I see that within the writing I have already done a shit load of self-writing for the past couple of years and specifically within the JTL blogs the past 335 days lol, the vlogs part isn’t consistent.

So I haven’t developed myself/programmed myself to yet work with information in such a way. Speaking it as I see it, I have only learned to type it, not voice it, same with when I tried to learn zulu, It was easy to learn it, but when I had to speak it I even lost what I learned from reading, it got lost, because the sounding is a completely different dimensions from just storing it in my head and speaking it there.

So basically, I must keep on keeping on practicing till it is concrete as me and the information s aligned within the physical and the sound. Meaning it is one and equal and not based on the mind but actual physicality.

Day 334 – Projecting me into tomorrow.

I see that I have this tendency of already looking at tomorrow, and what is/might happen, and that isn’t all, I already see myself as who I am within tomorrow from who I was today and yesterday, this includes everything of me such as my fears/insecurities/judgments/Resistances/reactions/backchat and so forth.

Which is a bitch to be straight, because what’s the use of tomorrow if I am just making it today and yesterday anyway.

I am in this process taking on me, who I am… I am compromising me from changing, from taking new direction and moving forward through already thinking about tomorrow, I am not talking about the practical things, I am talking about the mind shit, the likes and dislikes, the thing’s that makes the up’s and down in a day, and the more ups there is the more I want to go, the less ups there is the less I want to go, and since there are more down’s existing NO one fucking likes a Monday, but it isn’t the Monday I do not like, Monday’s have no problem, it is WHO I AM within Monday. Facing me all over again within everything, all of myself, all my shit, being with myself within everything on a Monday, because I know the Monday will show me what’s next for the rest of the week.

And it is fascinating, there is a statement I make within myself, this statement is like a capsule that contains everything within me to repeat the past again and again and to not change in the points in relation to myself and work, the statement is “tomorrow is Monday again” the energy connection within it is already determining my entire week that still has to happen/exist and come, yet here I am creating it all already just within that statement and what I have connected to it within memories as past experiences, where I want breathing but instead participated within limitations as what I like and dislike.

Because that energy connection has a reason for being there, or let me be self-honest, a justification, a excuse, it is backed up with memories/experiences where I had self-interest.

These points will be such as having to do my JOB lol, that in itself is already a negative connection, who wants to do their job, and then making doing your job feel like a burden already makes everything that comes extra feel like UNFAIR, yet it isn’t extra, it is part of the job, then within this unfair point ALL the different reactions/defenses/anger/frustration/anxiety/tensions come up, as it is now a battle to do as less as possible, to only do MY job and not more.

There are many dimensions to expand on here, for now I am focusing on the first one, stopping the phrase of “tomorrow is work again”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase “tomorrow is work again” to charge me with negative and or positive energy, seeing and realizing that within such statement I am already creating tomorrow within limitations of the mind from and as past experiences, seeing and realizing that I am thus creating my experience for tomorrow already without tomorrow even being here yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that within the Phrase ‘tomorrow is work again’ I am creating that statement from the past as a reference, seeing and realizing that within that I am referencing my entire past and all the experiences connected to “tomorrow is work again” already within how tomorrow will apparently be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resonate myself within the phrase “tomorrow is work again; within and as the believe that when and as I say “tomorrow is work again” that I will not be able to prepare myself for tomorrow and how tomorrow will be such as all the other tomorrows from the past, seeing and realizing that within this I am the one in fact re-creating the past’s tomorrows as tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase “tomorrow is work again” as a way of putting on a suite to ready myself for survival for tomorrow to protect my own self-interest within who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, instead of NOT doing that and to instead create myself within tomorrow when tomorrow is here and to be one and equal to all situations and not be in a pre-determined energy reaction state that creates the past within the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself tomorrow when and as tomorrow come as HOW I experience myself within all that is here, to keep the practical none energetic points in place for tomorrow which is practical as a way of directing myself such as setting an alarm, getting my working cloths ready, getting lunch ready, preparing work that still needs to be done for tomorrow, and to stop all the experiences that I am attaching to tomorrow and to breathe and direct myself within each moment as what’s best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am thinking and creating tomorrow from and as my past experie4nces to stop and to breathe within the realization that I am in this moment already fucking up tomorrow for myself and pre-determining everything for myself instead of making sure one thing is certain, that I am directing me and creating my day and not the past.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am connecting any feeling or emotion in relation to any day to stop and to breathe within the realization that I am here in this moment and that I must Live this moment to the fullest still, and to occupy this moment with self-interest for what Might or might not happen tomorrow is pointless and a waist of my time here in this moment.

I see/realize and understand that we exist in a world where we MUST always prepare and take care of today and tomorrow and the future within our actions in the moment as it is practical and best for all life and it is Physical things, as I understand that there is a difference between practical as best for all and then self-interest, as self-interest is to exist in an internal existence within energy/thoughts/feelings/emotions that Limit our every action/movement to only preserve self-interest, and that is what I must stop so that I can grow and move forward within the physical reality to be effective as the physical and what’s here to get things done.

Father to be, self-commitments - Day 333 Part 7

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329
Day 330
Day 331
Day 332

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am following in the footsteps of fear within raising my child to Stop, to sit down and to write and to stop the mind energies from and as memories/thoughts of the past that I have created within my childhood, and to within the writing to find the common sense, the common ground which isn’t based on fear but that is within the best interest of all which is to find practical ways of living/teaching and being an example for the child which does not require fear but common sense and self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am projecting fears for my child onto my child to stop, to breathe and to see that fear is of the mind and thus created within the mind as energy and that the fear as the mind isn’t necessary at all, but that the practicality and common sense within this world is what is required to live here and to see what is here and to stand one and equal to what is here and to within that change what is here to that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am living in my mind as ideas/believes/opinions within and from my mind while raising my child, to stop and to breathe, to take a breathe and to see what I am doing, what I am accepting and allowing, and what I am creating as the consequential outflow of my actions/behaviors that is driven from and as the mind as energy from a place which isn’t real, and to stop and to see the obvious common sense way to go instead, and to walk that, as it is best for all life and ultimately best for the child.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am competing to be the best father, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that I am not here to be the best father within and as the win and lose construct created by society, but that I am here to be the best father within educating my child within that which matters and so that my child can develop him/herself effectively and to be the best they can be within that which is best for all life, as this life is my child’s life and that what is best for all life is always what matters.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within ideas/believes/opinions of what a father is supposed to be within the ideas/believes/opinions of and from society created as limitations and boarders to fit in with society, to stop and to breathe and to focus on actual physical living and participations that is real and applicable anywhere whether one is a father or not, and to follow the common sense and how the physical works.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressing about being here for my child when and as I am at work most of the tie to stop and to breathe, seeing and realizing that this is what one has to do currently within this world to survive, and that it is unavoidable , YET the time I do spend with my child will be the time that counts, and to not accept and allow any Mind bullshit and mindfuck’s to prevent and stop me from using the time I do have with my child to use it effectively and what is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am worried that I will not be here for my child to be a effective father, as tie is limited, to stop and to breathe and to realize that the mind will want to compromise the time I do have to spend with my child if I exist within self-interest, seeing and realizing that within self-interest I will use the time that I do have to do nothing, but if I use the time I do have within what’s best for all life then I will do so spending it with what matters, such as my child that will be the future human/adult that will run this world with the many others future adults/humans and thus it is of the utmost important to make sure the future is secure for all Life within starting where it matters, when the child is a child.

I commit myself to when and as I go into doubt within myself about what is best for all life an what is not, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that only the mind can and will doubt what is best for all life as the mind is based on energy and self-interest as the mind is rooted within only self and thus consist of only one selves shit, and thus the obvious common sense is that what is best for all life is what is for all life and that is here for all life equally, which is the physical reality that we all share equal and one, which is life and that when I doubt, to stop the doubt the mind and to bring myself back to breathing within and as the physical and focus on what is real and here that I can see with my real eyes.

Father to be – Day 332 Part 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take fatherhood for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what fathers really go thought within the current way of the world to be fathers, as the system is designed to not support LIFE but only to consume the time for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the current way of life that the human has created for himself and all life isn’t a system that supports Life and only money, and that being a father can be so much more then what it currently exist as, where fathers/mothers can actually be there for their children and enjoy the child and have the environment that supports development effectively for ll.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father within the current system/world that has been created and is still accepted and allowed to exist by the humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the human conditions that the human has created for himself to exist within in this world such as needing money to be able to eat/drink and have a home, and that it is a survival game instead of a existence that is free of fear and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child coming into this world, seeing and realizing that the main fear is what if my child end up with no money, no food, no home, no water, no safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Wish only that my child has money so that my child can buy safety and a live, seeing and realizing that this is and will and can never be a solution, as everything else around my child will still be fucked and remain a danger, and thus it is to change the entire system, that supports all equally and not just my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child and the future of my child that is to come on this planet due to human existence here and what we are creating and no sign of change is near in sight.

Ok this is where I am ending the self-forgiveness on these points for now, next I will be doing the self-commitments on the points.

Father to be - a new way Day 331 Part 5

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329
Day 330


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fatherhood is a competition for who can be the best father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fatherhood about competition, seeing and realizing from my own life and experience that competition only rushed me and never gave me the chance to develop anything properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that competition within fatherhood is but a root of fear and thus only teaching a child fear, instead of how to properly effectively develop something/skills/abilities without it being a competition for a prize as the prize is only momentarily where as the result is forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a loser as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with other fathers to be the best father that I will lose and the other fathers and their kids will win, be more than me and my kid, seeing and realizing that this is a self-interest fear and not what’s bets for all life as it is about how I will feel and not about how the physical work in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with how I raise my child that my child will fall behind within how skillful/intelligent/able my child is, seeing and realizing that this is and has always been only my own fears and what I have faced all my life and thus not my child’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already as a father to be project my apparent disabilities that I make myself believe that I have my child’s and to within this want to prevent my child from having these apparent disabilities through acting in fear and within competition, seeing and realizing that I can instead utilize what I have fucked up within myself and see how I did this and how I created it and to within this learn from myself and to give the insight/understanding to my child so that he/she can accordingly make common sense self-honest decisions on the points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate within the competition construct within this world with my child as being the father that I will be a failure as a father within the eyes of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my child will be born without fear/without thoughts or memories and that what I give is what will be received and thus if and when I fear and I project that fear and live it physically within this world I will teach my child fear instead of prevention and so create what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being accountable, seeing and realizing that I fear this because I know I will be held accountable for all outflow and consequences within and as my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself within others that has already been fathers to see if I am ready or not, seeing and realizing that I am ready, I just don’t what to be a father like everyone else as it is quite scary what fathers are currently and that it is accepted as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comparison to imprint fear within me through taking what I see with my eyes from other fathers and making it a valid way of being a father and then fear within myself to having to be like that to be a father, seeing and realizing that I do not have to be like any of the fathers within this world to be a father as I am redefining father for myself to that which is best for all life and to bring about a new way of life for all life.

To be continued.