Fear of Missing out, the Final Chapter and how Bernard supported me with this point

Within this blog, I want to clarify that I am sharing the points Bernard supported me in as to give back, to share so that the reader can get the story, the events and flow of things as I did to a degree. 

This isn’t to say Bernard is special or that I am holding onto anything. I am being honest within this sharing that I did NOT get to where I am, who I am and what I have learned and how by my own. Giving credit where it must be given, otherwise I am misleading people and praising myself. The consequences for that is something unnecessary. 

I owe most of everything I have faced and learned and changed within to Bernard, from my relationship with my partner and everything that entails, to who I am and understanding common sense, self-honesty and LIFE. 

Continuing to the Final chapter now. 

Previously “This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. “read the previous one here - http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard_18.html 

 

On the Farm (Desteni farm), at many points in time there were lots of people here, from 15 to 30 people at a time, people visiting from all over the world. With many visitors that came to visit, many interesting and really cool and deep discussions took place, some of them were shattering and intense, some were very personal for individuals and others were fun and pretty cool. 

But, what would I know. Most of the time I was outside working, building something somewhere or doing some maintenance work. Bernard Made sure I was up every morning at 6am, or when the birds started singing, he would sing outside my room (not really singing) but make noise and call out my name over and over, till I got up, he would specifically say Giantjie, giantjie, ARE YOU AWAKE, and I would miserably wake up with not having enough sleep. As I go outside my room looking like I am waking up with a hangover, Bernard would say BREATH, and then he would say to me, Be HERE, no need to wake up, be awake. I would try that but yhea….. Then he would push me to get things done, he would start with asking, are you finishing these rooms today(we were building rooms for a while) or something else, I would say well not today, but we are getting there. But the point is, Bernard made sure I got to things and needed to be done on the Farm. 

The visitors didn’t have to work as I did, they helped and worked together in specific things, but me, LJ and Fidelis had to do things every day and had responsibilities to keep things functioning and moving on a Farm. 

So, Bernard had any chats with people and he also had quit some intense moments with people, these things would occur in the kitchen when people were there together or in the lounge or on the porch, But I always missed out, sometimes I would walk in halfway through the discussions, and stay for a while just to hear something, or to pick up on something, or to get some cool information I could use. But I was just a little bit too late.

I would hear from Leila or someone else what Bernard just now shared with everyone something on these points, or those points, or Bernard did some Tarot card readings for people, or he just explained the universe to people or someone lol. I would always feel like I missed something out, all the discussions, all the chats, as I was just outside doing work, building or maintenance stuff most of my time. 

Here, I faced a different dimension of Fear of missing out. In my first post on fear of missing out I basically say it all, but I am sharing something deeper here, how I physically had to change my behaviors, my actions to actually stop the fear of missing out, to see who I am without participating within those actions, those behaviors. 

In 2013, this point was pushed for me, within me one more time from Bernard just before the time he died. On a day, like any other, Bernard was planning to have a get together with everyone on the farm that night to have a nice chat/talk about some very important points, they involved peoples individual peoples process points and direction and also opening up more dimensions within existence and what’s at play. 

I was all day curious and looking forward to this get together, as I was expecting something big, I was hoping to hear about something about me, my process and my direction, where Bernard gives on guidance, or a brutal self-honesty check. As the evening approached us all more, Bernard made his way through the farm on a slow passed walk, and he came to our house, where I was standing in the garden. He was telling people to get ready and go down in the meantime. Then he said to me, you must stay here and look after the dogs, they cannot be left alone, plus you need to deal with this fear of missing out, so you will now miss out… That part, where he mentions the fear of missing out hit home, I knew I had the fear the moment he said I need to stay and look after the dogs. 

What Bernard said to me made perfect sense, I agreed with a massive resistance, as I really did not want to stay with the dogs, I wanted to be IN, I wanted to hear what’s happening at the meeting, I do not want to miss something cool that could be shared with me or about me. Everyone has gone to the get together, and I just stood in the garden, trying to listen and hear what is being said from far away, but the distance was just enough that all I could hear was mumbling and every time everyone started laughing at once. 

Hours went by, and the get together was still going on, I heard all the talking and conversations in the mumbling form I received them, I sat outside paranoid and frustrated. It got late and I knew I wasn’t going to get feedback from anyone tonight, I went to bed to get some sleep, instead of just sitting there and trying to hear something. I already anticipated that the next day I will get feedback from Leila and others on what was said, and what happened, but it will be second hand as my judgement goes. 

The following morning, as I woke up and others were awake, I went to Leila to ask her what happened as that was a long get together. Now I wanted to fish out anything important, or if anything was said about me, or if there are some cool new dimensions that opened up I should know about. Her first words to me was, nothing much, but there was this point on characters that opened up. 

I already felt the pain of what I have missed according to my perception. Then in that moment what Bernard told me, that I need to work with this point of fear of missing out, came to me, and I within myself decided that I don’t care what happened, what I missed out or not, and I made this I don’t care not to not care for me, but in fact a decision to care about me, and to stop caring for the mind and the fears. I also had a realization in that moment that I am walking in this believe that I am less than, I am weak and useless, that I am vulnerable, that I am not good enough, that I need all the knowledge and information in the world before I can ever be ready to trust myself, instead of trusting myself. 

I then took it upon myself to MISS out as much as possible where I knew I was going to go for something or someone just because of a curiosity to find something, and I started living HERE direct with what is here, it was challenging, as I stopped making everything personal to me what is said or done, and I started trusting that I am okay, even if I had to live in a dark cage and all I ever could hear from this dark cage was mumbling from the outside and never being able to reach it, I have to be able to be here still, to breathe and focus on me, trust me, even if something is said about me or not, it does not define me, I define me in every moment and if I use any and all information I get and hear to define me, than I am fucked. As I have proven already how I fuck myself up with what I hear or do not hear, about me or that involves me, may it be fear, survival, money, relationships. 

I am tired of seeking drama, seeking a story, seeking things that create bullshit and participating within it, defining myself this way is torture, living according to the information I receive if torture, as nothing is ever practical or common sense then, it is all emotion based, fear based and personality based, nothing real, just chasing illusions and creating more illusions, I am missing reality in fact.

Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 2

 

This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html

 

From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations. 

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control. 

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out. 

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security. 

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table. 

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself. 

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time. 

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time. 

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff. 

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do. 

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,  am somewhere else. 

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. 

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

To be continued.

Day 343 – Getting home from work, the Fly trap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home to sit down for a LONG time and just watch shows and drink coffee and stand around and waist time, instead of doing what I know I have to do and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not do what I have sat out for myself to do once I get home from work and to instead fall into the MIND as the thoughts as the back chat of “ I had a long day I deserve to do nothing for a while” seeing and realizing that it is a excuse/justification for what I am not doing what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do and get done once I get home through falling into the mind instead of remaining in breathe and doing physically what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home and see others are watching something to GET distracted and to then sit down and also just watch something I don’t really want to watch for the sake of doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by what is going on at home once I get home and to then fall into the pattern of staying within the distraction from the fear of missing out, instead of seeing and realizing that I can simply stand up and go away and do what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make LESS time for myself and what I want to do through being distracted by what others are doing and busy with once I get home from work within the fear of Missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do ir set myself out to do through and within the fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I get home from work that the Lounge is a Fly trap and that I am the fly and that if I get distracted and fly into the fly trap that I will trap myself, and not see the opening till it is too late and I have missed all the time I had to get the things done I wanted to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rush hour for myself through wasting my time being distracted by what others are doing and busy with and wanting to just be around within the attempt to feel that I am not missing out within the excuse within myself, I was out working all day, I can sit down and do nothing now for a long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and create myself as one big excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that work during the day is hard and that it does take my energy, but once I get home after an hour of driving and doing nothing I have recovered and thus I have all the energy I need to do more and more and that breathing is a tool I have that does not require energy to move myself and thus can always be used to see what’s real and not and thus I see how I create the excuses through using the past and creating it in the present just to have an excuse of “ I am still tired” I must sit down and watch this episode, and the next one, and drink two coffees, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern for a couple of weeks now as a actual decision I make within myself every time, seeing and realizing that compromise and self-sabotage and the level of doing that to myself I am still at and how disturbing it really is for myself that I still haven’t corrected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone correcting myself within the excuse that I have already not corrected myself for a couple of days now what is one more day going to change, not seeing and realizing that that one more day has turned out to be a couple of weeks now and that I have created a pattern that is now controlling me and directing me and making decisions for me and thus compromising myself entirely as the mind as energy as limitation to what I am truly capable of when I breathe and push myself to my potential I know I am if applied for myself in self honesty.