Day 341 - The man Symbol Part 1

I am watching a new series called rectified, it is about a prisoner that was on death row that now got set free after twenty years, so this is guy is now out and about in the world again and everything seems strange to him, and he has lost a lot of human interaction ability, he is slowish and quite and still old style from his time in his life, he was send to prison for raping and killing a girl and now found to not be guilty of the crime.

I am writing here about a certain scene that took place, where this guy which is the main character talk to other guy and he gives the other guy a experience of what happened in prison, this part was something that hit me and why I am writing this blog post today.

The main character was giving a play by play memory experience to the other guy of how he basically got raped in the showers in prison. It was interesting to hear this and to see the experiences that came up within me in relation to such an experience/situation.

He mentioned how he was one morning walking to the showers, and as he turned on the water and started showing a group of other men came in in, he said that you believe you can do something and stop it, yet you can not, and while it is happening you can make yourself believe that you are defending or fighting for some kind of a symbol that you hold of what a man is supposed to be. But it just continue and continue and continue, and there is nothing you can do, and then as quick as the men came in they are out and you stand up from the floor, the water is still running and you just continue showering and you put your cloths on and the guards is still near by,

I found it interesting how I actually placed myself within such a situation and I took myself there where I could see the MIND stuff that would have gone on within me if such an situation would have been happening to me, and I saw this symbol of manhood that I carry with me, and how that would have been one of the actual only fears facing within such a event, because my entire life I have defined myself and limited myself according to @manhood@ and what it is and stand for.

This is where I see that a even such as a gang rap would completely destroy such self definitions of manhood, and the symbol of manhood within me, and yet it is only of the mind once again, physically the body is abused, the body is being tortured and being raped, but anything else attached to what is happening within the mind is what creates separation as fear towards and within such an event.

To be Continued.

Day 19 - The pattern of violent thoughts.

When in town, thoughts come up of me having to fight someone, having to defend myself against other people that is in my environment.

This creates a constant inner fight with myself and who I am, as I completely change who I am in order to impose an idea onto others, the idea is - do not fuck with me or you will regret it.

This pattern and behavior is un- acceptable  and not best for all life or myself.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and facing who I am with in the fear of others as a physical manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind as thoughts of  fear towards my fellow beings, and to react on it and so create and manifest violent thoughts with in me of fighting/defending myself against others in my mind as my imagination and future play outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future play outs of situations in my mind of violent breaking outs and happening to me with other human beings where I have to then fight them and even kill them in the name of survival of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with in comparing myself and my physical body to other human beings to see how I can fight them and beat them up to protect me and to be the one that survives and not have to get hurt or die and be seen as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak and with in accepting this fear as valid I have created the believe that if I have a violent conflict situation where I can fight and win that I will feel strong and not weak about myself and be able to live with out the fear I constantly have every day towards my fellow beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have violent thoughts/imaginations towards and about my fellow beings for the fear that I carry and create with in me towards them as being dangerous and violent.

I forgive myself that I have not realize that I am actually the violent and dangerous being in my world, as I am the one having the violent thoughts and imagination, and thus I only project what I accepted and allow with in me onto other to not have to take self responsibility for myself and to change, to stop being a threat to my fellow beings and to be able to live together as equals, thus I realize I must stop my thoughts and my imagination and I must stop being a threat to my fellow beings through stopping my participation in the fear/thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own violent thoughts and imaginations onto others as them being the cause, the threat and that I must be ready to fight and to be ruthless in any moment to protect my ego and my self interest and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight from the starting point of wanting to win a fight so that I might feel better about myself and to feel/belief that I do not have to fear my fellow beings as I am able to fend for myself physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a fight with a random stranger so that I can see if I am able to protect and defend myself in a world where I see/belief every human is a threat and is out to hurt me physically, realizing this makes only me the one that is out to hurt someone physically and thus I am the only threat and the only fear walking around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I fight and participate in violence that I will feel better after wards as I have now faced my fear and I survived, realizing that If such an event occur I have no way/idea what the actual physical outcome might be and that I might die, realizing it is all mind and imagination and thus it is not real at all as it was created from the ego, where the starting point is always self interest and thus I always win in my mind, thus it can never be trusted at all or even take is serious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in violent thoughts, the violent thoughts I participate in and give power to are the same ones that cause and accept and allow all wars, all violence in this world, and thus I am responsible for all wars and violence as me, as I accept and allow them in me and justify them in me I am doing so with in this world with in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fellow beings, realizing that if I fear them I am giving them a reason to fear me, and thus I am creating and manifesting a world of fear where I accept and allow violence to be the answer for fear and resolving it, and thus I create wars and destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a terrorist in my mind towards my fellow beings in the fear of that they might hurt me through my own self created ideas and belief in my mind according to my own self judgments and insecurities about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure around other beings and to judge myself around other beings as not being good enough, as not being strong enough and as not being a person that is able, and thus I desire and fear a situation where I can have a fight to proof to myself and others the opposite of that which I judge myself as and feel insecure about, realizing it is all about stopping the evil with in self as the root cause and continuation of a world of violence and suffering.

I commit myself to stop all violence with in me, so that I may walk as the correction and to be able to support and assist others to see that the fear we have for each other is the fear that creates violence, and thus top stop the fear with in self!! Is to stop the fear of each other that can result in violence such as wars.

I commit myself to use the tools that have been given to me such as writing, forgiving myself and self honesty with common sense to take apart the systems with in me so that I am able to take apart the systems with in this world as our systems and to from that start re-creating a new world through understanding and educating my fellow beings equally as me.

I commit myself to be disciplined with in identifying the pattern of violence and fear with in me and to stop giving it attention and validating it to end the fearful world we live in as myself first and from there expand onwards to create a world with out fear.