Making Vlogs Day 335

I have been making vlogs in my room for the last three days, I make them so that I can upload them, I find that through speaking in the vlogs and posting vlogs I built self-confidence, and I get feedback on it, which is a great way of self-support in this process of creating myself one and equal within all that is here.

The Philosophy that I had was, I have my phone next to me at all times, and when I have a point that comes up, I make a video immediately, so I have been doing that.

BUT – (here comes the shit) – when I turn the camera on, and I start speaking, I find that what I had in mind, what I had as realization within me, a point that I could see, I am now completely unable to communicate the same way. It is like it changed and all the information just pooped out of my head, or scattered everywhere. And also It never sounds the same LOL.

Here I am, I am getting really tired of this shit, so to say, I want to turn on the camera and I want to speak the realization as I had it within me, the information must come out as it is here, but man, it never happens, I go of topic in the first two minutes, I lose the LINE of information, and I start grabbing other lines and pull them in and in the end I have a knot.

I see that within my writing I create lines, lines that flow as I write, it comes HERE, I am not looking at what I want to write, ot what I have to write or how I must write, it comes as I type each word, this I find is really cool, because I am writing in the moment.

I am mentioning this because I am looking at it and why it is this way within writing but not within my vlogs, what is the difference.

I see the difference is that within writing I will see a point, Let’s say I faced Fear of rejection today, then I make that my topic, and bam there I go, I write it out, with the vlogs I actually see a whole construct and all the connections and how vast things can be, and then I see I have a nice line of information here that I can voice out in a vlog to bring the point across, I know this because I have voiced it in my head already, there is sounds good and all.

So here I turn the camera on and bam, I fucking get lost, I see that within the writing I have already done a shit load of self-writing for the past couple of years and specifically within the JTL blogs the past 335 days lol, the vlogs part isn’t consistent.

So I haven’t developed myself/programmed myself to yet work with information in such a way. Speaking it as I see it, I have only learned to type it, not voice it, same with when I tried to learn zulu, It was easy to learn it, but when I had to speak it I even lost what I learned from reading, it got lost, because the sounding is a completely different dimensions from just storing it in my head and speaking it there.

So basically, I must keep on keeping on practicing till it is concrete as me and the information s aligned within the physical and the sound. Meaning it is one and equal and not based on the mind but actual physicality.

Day 334 – Projecting me into tomorrow.

I see that I have this tendency of already looking at tomorrow, and what is/might happen, and that isn’t all, I already see myself as who I am within tomorrow from who I was today and yesterday, this includes everything of me such as my fears/insecurities/judgments/Resistances/reactions/backchat and so forth.

Which is a bitch to be straight, because what’s the use of tomorrow if I am just making it today and yesterday anyway.

I am in this process taking on me, who I am… I am compromising me from changing, from taking new direction and moving forward through already thinking about tomorrow, I am not talking about the practical things, I am talking about the mind shit, the likes and dislikes, the thing’s that makes the up’s and down in a day, and the more ups there is the more I want to go, the less ups there is the less I want to go, and since there are more down’s existing NO one fucking likes a Monday, but it isn’t the Monday I do not like, Monday’s have no problem, it is WHO I AM within Monday. Facing me all over again within everything, all of myself, all my shit, being with myself within everything on a Monday, because I know the Monday will show me what’s next for the rest of the week.

And it is fascinating, there is a statement I make within myself, this statement is like a capsule that contains everything within me to repeat the past again and again and to not change in the points in relation to myself and work, the statement is “tomorrow is Monday again” the energy connection within it is already determining my entire week that still has to happen/exist and come, yet here I am creating it all already just within that statement and what I have connected to it within memories as past experiences, where I want breathing but instead participated within limitations as what I like and dislike.

Because that energy connection has a reason for being there, or let me be self-honest, a justification, a excuse, it is backed up with memories/experiences where I had self-interest.

These points will be such as having to do my JOB lol, that in itself is already a negative connection, who wants to do their job, and then making doing your job feel like a burden already makes everything that comes extra feel like UNFAIR, yet it isn’t extra, it is part of the job, then within this unfair point ALL the different reactions/defenses/anger/frustration/anxiety/tensions come up, as it is now a battle to do as less as possible, to only do MY job and not more.

There are many dimensions to expand on here, for now I am focusing on the first one, stopping the phrase of “tomorrow is work again”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase “tomorrow is work again” to charge me with negative and or positive energy, seeing and realizing that within such statement I am already creating tomorrow within limitations of the mind from and as past experiences, seeing and realizing that I am thus creating my experience for tomorrow already without tomorrow even being here yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that within the Phrase ‘tomorrow is work again’ I am creating that statement from the past as a reference, seeing and realizing that within that I am referencing my entire past and all the experiences connected to “tomorrow is work again” already within how tomorrow will apparently be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resonate myself within the phrase “tomorrow is work again; within and as the believe that when and as I say “tomorrow is work again” that I will not be able to prepare myself for tomorrow and how tomorrow will be such as all the other tomorrows from the past, seeing and realizing that within this I am the one in fact re-creating the past’s tomorrows as tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase “tomorrow is work again” as a way of putting on a suite to ready myself for survival for tomorrow to protect my own self-interest within who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, instead of NOT doing that and to instead create myself within tomorrow when tomorrow is here and to be one and equal to all situations and not be in a pre-determined energy reaction state that creates the past within the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself tomorrow when and as tomorrow come as HOW I experience myself within all that is here, to keep the practical none energetic points in place for tomorrow which is practical as a way of directing myself such as setting an alarm, getting my working cloths ready, getting lunch ready, preparing work that still needs to be done for tomorrow, and to stop all the experiences that I am attaching to tomorrow and to breathe and direct myself within each moment as what’s best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am thinking and creating tomorrow from and as my past experie4nces to stop and to breathe within the realization that I am in this moment already fucking up tomorrow for myself and pre-determining everything for myself instead of making sure one thing is certain, that I am directing me and creating my day and not the past.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am connecting any feeling or emotion in relation to any day to stop and to breathe within the realization that I am here in this moment and that I must Live this moment to the fullest still, and to occupy this moment with self-interest for what Might or might not happen tomorrow is pointless and a waist of my time here in this moment.

I see/realize and understand that we exist in a world where we MUST always prepare and take care of today and tomorrow and the future within our actions in the moment as it is practical and best for all life and it is Physical things, as I understand that there is a difference between practical as best for all and then self-interest, as self-interest is to exist in an internal existence within energy/thoughts/feelings/emotions that Limit our every action/movement to only preserve self-interest, and that is what I must stop so that I can grow and move forward within the physical reality to be effective as the physical and what’s here to get things done.

Father to be, self-commitments - Day 333 Part 7

Day 327
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Day 331
Day 332

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am following in the footsteps of fear within raising my child to Stop, to sit down and to write and to stop the mind energies from and as memories/thoughts of the past that I have created within my childhood, and to within the writing to find the common sense, the common ground which isn’t based on fear but that is within the best interest of all which is to find practical ways of living/teaching and being an example for the child which does not require fear but common sense and self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am projecting fears for my child onto my child to stop, to breathe and to see that fear is of the mind and thus created within the mind as energy and that the fear as the mind isn’t necessary at all, but that the practicality and common sense within this world is what is required to live here and to see what is here and to stand one and equal to what is here and to within that change what is here to that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am living in my mind as ideas/believes/opinions within and from my mind while raising my child, to stop and to breathe, to take a breathe and to see what I am doing, what I am accepting and allowing, and what I am creating as the consequential outflow of my actions/behaviors that is driven from and as the mind as energy from a place which isn’t real, and to stop and to see the obvious common sense way to go instead, and to walk that, as it is best for all life and ultimately best for the child.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am competing to be the best father, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that I am not here to be the best father within and as the win and lose construct created by society, but that I am here to be the best father within educating my child within that which matters and so that my child can develop him/herself effectively and to be the best they can be within that which is best for all life, as this life is my child’s life and that what is best for all life is always what matters.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within ideas/believes/opinions of what a father is supposed to be within the ideas/believes/opinions of and from society created as limitations and boarders to fit in with society, to stop and to breathe and to focus on actual physical living and participations that is real and applicable anywhere whether one is a father or not, and to follow the common sense and how the physical works.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressing about being here for my child when and as I am at work most of the tie to stop and to breathe, seeing and realizing that this is what one has to do currently within this world to survive, and that it is unavoidable , YET the time I do spend with my child will be the time that counts, and to not accept and allow any Mind bullshit and mindfuck’s to prevent and stop me from using the time I do have with my child to use it effectively and what is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am worried that I will not be here for my child to be a effective father, as tie is limited, to stop and to breathe and to realize that the mind will want to compromise the time I do have to spend with my child if I exist within self-interest, seeing and realizing that within self-interest I will use the time that I do have to do nothing, but if I use the time I do have within what’s best for all life then I will do so spending it with what matters, such as my child that will be the future human/adult that will run this world with the many others future adults/humans and thus it is of the utmost important to make sure the future is secure for all Life within starting where it matters, when the child is a child.

I commit myself to when and as I go into doubt within myself about what is best for all life an what is not, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that only the mind can and will doubt what is best for all life as the mind is based on energy and self-interest as the mind is rooted within only self and thus consist of only one selves shit, and thus the obvious common sense is that what is best for all life is what is for all life and that is here for all life equally, which is the physical reality that we all share equal and one, which is life and that when I doubt, to stop the doubt the mind and to bring myself back to breathing within and as the physical and focus on what is real and here that I can see with my real eyes.

Father to be – Day 332 Part 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take fatherhood for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what fathers really go thought within the current way of the world to be fathers, as the system is designed to not support LIFE but only to consume the time for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the current way of life that the human has created for himself and all life isn’t a system that supports Life and only money, and that being a father can be so much more then what it currently exist as, where fathers/mothers can actually be there for their children and enjoy the child and have the environment that supports development effectively for ll.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father within the current system/world that has been created and is still accepted and allowed to exist by the humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the human conditions that the human has created for himself to exist within in this world such as needing money to be able to eat/drink and have a home, and that it is a survival game instead of a existence that is free of fear and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child coming into this world, seeing and realizing that the main fear is what if my child end up with no money, no food, no home, no water, no safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Wish only that my child has money so that my child can buy safety and a live, seeing and realizing that this is and will and can never be a solution, as everything else around my child will still be fucked and remain a danger, and thus it is to change the entire system, that supports all equally and not just my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child and the future of my child that is to come on this planet due to human existence here and what we are creating and no sign of change is near in sight.

Ok this is where I am ending the self-forgiveness on these points for now, next I will be doing the self-commitments on the points.

Father to be - a new way Day 331 Part 5

Day 327
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Day 330


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fatherhood is a competition for who can be the best father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fatherhood about competition, seeing and realizing from my own life and experience that competition only rushed me and never gave me the chance to develop anything properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that competition within fatherhood is but a root of fear and thus only teaching a child fear, instead of how to properly effectively develop something/skills/abilities without it being a competition for a prize as the prize is only momentarily where as the result is forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a loser as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with other fathers to be the best father that I will lose and the other fathers and their kids will win, be more than me and my kid, seeing and realizing that this is a self-interest fear and not what’s bets for all life as it is about how I will feel and not about how the physical work in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with how I raise my child that my child will fall behind within how skillful/intelligent/able my child is, seeing and realizing that this is and has always been only my own fears and what I have faced all my life and thus not my child’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already as a father to be project my apparent disabilities that I make myself believe that I have my child’s and to within this want to prevent my child from having these apparent disabilities through acting in fear and within competition, seeing and realizing that I can instead utilize what I have fucked up within myself and see how I did this and how I created it and to within this learn from myself and to give the insight/understanding to my child so that he/she can accordingly make common sense self-honest decisions on the points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate within the competition construct within this world with my child as being the father that I will be a failure as a father within the eyes of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my child will be born without fear/without thoughts or memories and that what I give is what will be received and thus if and when I fear and I project that fear and live it physically within this world I will teach my child fear instead of prevention and so create what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being accountable, seeing and realizing that I fear this because I know I will be held accountable for all outflow and consequences within and as my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself within others that has already been fathers to see if I am ready or not, seeing and realizing that I am ready, I just don’t what to be a father like everyone else as it is quite scary what fathers are currently and that it is accepted as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comparison to imprint fear within me through taking what I see with my eyes from other fathers and making it a valid way of being a father and then fear within myself to having to be like that to be a father, seeing and realizing that I do not have to be like any of the fathers within this world to be a father as I am redefining father for myself to that which is best for all life and to bring about a new way of life for all life.

To be continued.

Father to be - Preparing the way Day 330 Part 4

Day 327
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Day 329

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in what I see and observe from within my environment within other humans words and behaviors and what they say/do as all being facts and ways of life, and that what I see and learn and hear must be what I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what fathers/mothers live and how they raise their children is something that they have learned from a book, seeing and realizing now that I am full grown that there never was a book and it all was simply done from guessing and from those that has gone before them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the scam in my own head that parents and my parents that raised me was qualified first before their had me to be able to raise me, seeing and realizing that I was raised within hope/belief/luck/faith, instead of actual direction and principals that is concrete with concrete results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a father is someone that has been trained to be a father, and that within everything a father teaches and do and show and tells me was/is always right and the way, seeing and realizing now that I am almost a father and that it was only an idea/expectation I had within my mind of and from the believe I have created about fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being pre-pared to be a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the expectations of a father within the idea of what a father must be within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST divine myself as a father within societies idea of a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into what society wants and needs of me to be an acceptable father, seeing and realizing that the father idea and what is being lived within the current society isn’t what is best for all life as the evidence is within society as the world the humans have created and still accept and allow through the sins of the fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-confidence within myself to be a father to my child equal and one with how I would/can be a father to all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as myself as life identified as a father within society and still to stand as myself within this identity and to not give into society itself and to raise my child within what is best for all life, as common sense/self-honesty/practicality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear society and the expectations of society and what happens as reactions within society when and as those expectations that define a father isn’t met, but instead a new way, a way that is best for all life. For instance no religion/tradition/culture etc, but a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is a wrong way of teaching, seeing and realizing that it isn’t about wrong or right, but to teach what is best for all life, as I see and realize that what is right and wrong within society is currently extremely sickening and abusive and thus not best for all to teach my child the rights and wrongs of society to accept and allow, but to instead teach the problems and the solutions as what’s best for all life, to teach common sense and self-honesty where the child will be given tools to have perspectives and insight and to determine through that self honestly what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only wish to teach my child the right way – seeing and realizing that there is no right or wrong way, but only what is best for all life as I see and realize that what is right and wrong within society is currently extremely sickening and abusive and thus not best for all to teach my child the rights and wrongs of society to accept and allow, but to instead teach the problems and the solutions as what’s best for all life, to teach common sense and self-honesty where the child will be given tools to have perspectives and insight and to determine through that self honestly what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my child to the bullshit existing within this world that corrupts the children of today, seeing and realizing that if and as I teach my child effective common sense and giving my child to opportunities to develop self-honesty that there is not need for me to fear that or to keep my child from it, as he/she will have the tools to determine what’s BS and what’s not and to make his/her own decisions based on what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad father within teaching and being an example, seeing and realizing that it is simply a fear of the mind and thus not real, I must trust myself within and as the physical here breathing and focusing on what’s real as always.

To be continued.

Father to be – Define Father Self forgiveness Day 329

Father to Be - Define Father Day  327
Father to Be - Define Father Day  328

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the Idea of being a father and that I must then be the one to discipline them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a father must be the one to teach a child how to be disciplined through physically disciplining the child, seeing and realizing that it is to show discipline, and to give a definition to the child of what discipline is and so that the child can live that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being a father to having to be the scary one that must be the “bad cop” when self-responsibility wasn’t taken or abuse took place, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to be scary as being the father figure, but that It is me as a being taking responsibility for my creation to align whatever went wrong within oneness and equality as that what is best for all through giving the child consequential outflows of what could happen within their actions to give and teach the child self-responsibility within understanding of their actions, and so when the self-responsibility wasn’t taken and “discipline” is required to give the child physical consequences one and equal so that they can learn and see that everything we do have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a father must hit his children to be able to teach the child discipline, seeing and realizing that having to teach the child through physical discipline is already a sign that me as a father wasn’t disciplined within teaching my child and thus it is me that has to be held accountable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that physical discipline onto and towards a child is the manifestation of avoiding taking real responsibility as the father as the child can only do what he/she is taught or have seen from those as the examples..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father that is feared, seeing and realizing that this can only be real if and when I am acting and living in fear and reactions instead of breathing and directing the physical one and equal as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hope” to be a father that the child wants to be with and “love” seeing and realizing that it is for my own self interest and not what is best for all life, as a relationship such as that will only be a enslavement of the child to me for my own happiness and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse enjoyment with love, seeing and realizing that love is a energetic connection based on feelings/emotions that becomes dependent on each other as the polarities require each other and thus creating a cycle of enslavement, where as enjoyment is a physical doing such as swinging someone or picking them up or just being with them or even when just being in each other’s presence which can be applied to all life equally as it requires no energy but only physical relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as the father I must be a serious person to be able to be a good father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a serious father is a stable father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a serious father is a strong father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a happy father is a cool father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a father that has two sides is a real father, when the father is able to have fun but also a serious side that can come up, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to live a specific character around the father to be a father but to be a living being that is here sharing and teaching and not pretending but to be real within self-honesty/common sense and living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as certain specific characters in front of my child that I believe will show my child weakness or instability and to within this already want to create fake characters to hide the other characters, seeing and realizing that this is only teaching the child how to hide and how to not face oneself and to always have to look a certain way, instead of facing what is here as the characters and removing the characters which then do not require more characters to hide it as one has forgiven self and moving forward.

Facing The Sins of the Father to Be – Define Father Part 3 Day 328

 From Day 325 Part 1 - father to be Define father

exploratory writing.

So I have defined being a father as being an example, what the father does, the actions of the father, is the father teaching me this or that or isn’t he, I have defined father as what they do determines who they are, but it is who they are that determines what they do, and as my dad was working day in and day out to provide, it shows that who my father was, was caring and willing to give up his family to have a family, so that I could have toys and savings and food and water and cloths and all that, so my judgment as a kid was completely disordered and based on self-interest instead of common sense and what happening in reality – people need money.

Who I am determines what I do – who you are determines what you do, so to be an example for a child isn’t to be a constant doing parent to show the child who you are as a parent, so that they can learn from that, it is to be an example of who you are at ALL times to teach/live/show a principal, a principal that who you are determines what you do, this empowers the child to create who they are and thus what they do. The principal of what is best for all life in all ways. Love thy neighbor as they self, do onto another as you would like to be done onto.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being a bad example for my child, through all the good and bad judgments I have made about fathers in my child years and to within this have defined what bad/good fathers are based on my fears that I have created based on the impressions I got from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that the words I use/speak in moments of unawareness of from and as reactions will damage my child and that I will thus be a bad father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to do enough things for/with my child to show my child who I am,, seeing and realizing that it is a excuse and a justification as who I am determines what I do and thus for example coming home when it is dark can only be a excuse if I am defining who I am based on what I do, but when who I am determines what I do I am constantly in all moments doing something to be a example as what’s best for all life and so for my child one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear not being a good father through the words I use/speak and how I use them, seeing and realizing that this fear currently exists because of self-judgments I have of myself from actual physical experiences I have had/have where I react or speak in moments of not breathing and being aware and knowing that they do have consequences and thus fearing that I will thus face the consequences within my child and what he/she learned from my words and the actions within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will teach my child the wrong definitions of words through what I speak and what my actions show for what I speak, thus seeing and realizing that I have to re-define the words I am living so that the words I use is one and equal to what I am living and not creating bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child the energies that I have connected to words from my own personal experiences within me through using the words with the energy connections towards my child or within the environment the child is within and that the child will thus take my personal energy signatures that I have connected within words as experiences and make it his, seeing and realizing that I have to take responsibility for myself within the words I use and what’s behind them through breathing and placing a guard in front of my mouth till I am clear and only speak when the words are physical and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my child up with the same shit that I know I have within me that I am aware of and have been aware of for years, that I haven’t yet taken self-responsibility for, thus I see and realize that because I haven’t taken self-responsibility for what exist within me that I know is in me deliberately not taking self-responsibility and that I have till now still continued within participating within the shit that exist within me that I have left it to influence my world and myself, and only now that I am about to be a father do I actually realize the consequences of not taking full self-responsibility for what I experience within me and that it is infectious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now want to take self-responsibility once my own self-interest is at risk, where I will have a child and that I have to help in raising the child and that within me raising the child I will face the consequences of who I have accepted and allowed myself to remain to be to be taught to my child and that my child will become and reflect that back to me and so the sins of the fathers will be given to the children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child to react to people whenever they ask of him/her to do something as that is what I am still accepting and allowing to exist within and as me and thus if I do not take self-responsibility and change who I am within that point then that is what I will create within my child, that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will teach my child to not want to read and learn new things, because that is what I am still existing as within and as who I am and thus as I am still a living example of that to myself then I can but only be that to my child as a example and thus I see and I realize that I have to take self-responsibility for who I am within this point and change to that which is best for all life as an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child how to have only excuses for not taking self-responsibility, as I see that I am still existing as excuses within not taking full self-responsibility within my daily living and only creating excuses and thus as that is what I am accepting and allowing to exist within and as me as who I am then all I can teach my child is but from me as who I am and thus creating my exact fear, because no matter how much I speak and say things, if I am not that example it will not be real but only be empty words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that I will not be home enough to teach my child the skills I have and that is awesome skills as I will be at work most of the day till it is dark already and that my child will not have that part of me as an example to learn from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that Who I am determines what I do and thus I see and realize that within this basic simple example, I do not need to be home all the time to teach things as to what I can do to show who I am, but that who I am will be a teaching within itself, as I will and can be the example for my child that who you are determines what you do which means that my child will not need me to show him/her stuff because they will develop themselves as who they are and through that they will determine what they do.

I am exploring all the corners here within self-forgiveness and my perspective is expanding and I am seeing within my writing where I am still blind or even making excuses/justifications and so forth.

To be Continued.

Father to be - Define father Day 327 Part 2

Continuing from Define Father Day 325 part 1

To be clear, these blogs about fatherhood and looking into my past isn’t to define what is a bad father or a good father, it is to look at where does the father construct in me come from, it is to learn and see those that has gone before me so that I can see myself and what I have learned. This is not about my father, or other fathers, it’s about me and my inner process and to change that.
Continuing from my previous blog on this topic, I am now going to take a look at when I was still a kid and I had friends and how their fathers sounded like through how the kids talked about their fathers and what their fathers is in comparison to how my father was,,,, as this created a lot of new definitions that I connected to what a father must be or can be or should be.

I remember in school as a young child kids used to come from the weekends and they would share with the other kids what they did, and a lot of the stories would be what the boys did with their fathers, this would be activities like camping and fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boat rides and all the things that dads would do with their sons, like teaching their kids what and how to do things, and usually my weekend stories would out using barbeque or just being at home or me walking in the streets and exploring the town I lived in by myself.

Through this interactions I felt that I was missing out on a lot, i did not get any of that from my dad every weekend, we went camping, but once a year maybe, and the other activities like fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boats never happened, we did not have all those things to start off with in the first place, this in general made me feel less than the others, like I was less skilled and less of a Man, inferior if you will.

I remember saving up money that I got every month that wasn’t a lot, to go and buy myself fishing equipment, because I wanted to see what it is to fish and how it is done, I knew so little about fishing that I saved up very little money, I had just enough to buy a roll of fishing line and a hook and sinker, I went to the shop with my dad, because I asked him and thought this is how it is supposed to be, me and my dad getting fishing stuff, it ended up with my dad staying in the car and me going into the shop and buying what I thought I needed, I got the stuff and I once again thought it was good, my dadjust asked if I got everything, your line and hook, I said yes, and he said ok so now you must just go and see if you can catch a fish, I then took my fishing equipment one weekend to the dam that was but a hundred meters away from our house at the harbor, I put the hook on the like and the I put it in the water, I sat there for at least an hour and said to myself it isn’t really working and quite, never went back.

I learned how to ride bike from my dad and my grandfather, and I learned how to swim from my father and other family members, but I can say within those basic lines my dad helped a lot.

Overall the point I am exposing within these writings are what I have seen and defined as to what a father must be, and it isn’t a fact, it isn’t something written in a book somewhere of what a father must be, this all comes from observations and from interactions within my world.
My father was a good father in terms of what one knows about being a father the way I learned, we all learn from those that has gone before us. My Life was easy and nice and wonderful, if I compare it to what other people have/had in this world.
Is it the right way? Is it the wrong way? No it isn’t, there is no right or wrong, there is doing what’s best for all life, raising a child must be raising a human being to live what’s best for all life, and that means that the child must be all the child can be. And this is where the Mother/Father roles come in, to be the example. A living example.
Back to the topic, what I noticed here as well is, I never saw as a kid the awesome skills I learned from being on my own, from hanging out with myself a lot and keeping myself occupied and learning about things by myself, how to be creative and how to not have fear. How to stand on my own and how to be responsible for myself to a certain point though.
So my dad did teach me through not teaching me all the things other dad’s apparently taught their children, I say apparently because I don’t know for fact, it was always just hear/told from and by the other kids.
So now fatherhood becomes a comparison, a competition, can I be the best dad, a better dad, will my child be all knowing and strong and independent and knowing how to do all these things, and this is what I can see I created through all the observations, because through the observations I create fears within myself and within that I have already made decisions on how I am going to raise my child one day or not, according to my fear, which is not best for all.
To be continued.

Late for work, NEVER - Day 326

I am early at work every Day, not just five minutes, but half an hour, I just hang around there,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going "there" and to be late for work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my response to being late at work towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I will be seen for being late at work by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it ass NOT being within my Character to be late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so early every morning out of the fear of being in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be as a reaction/energy experience of myself when I might be in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself for being very defensive when I might be in trouble in trouble and unpleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about being late and that if I am late I am less then who I can be as an Idea of being perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do, instead of seeing and realizing that Who I am determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and to create myself through my actions while I still leave who I am as the same, seeing and realizing how this will always pull me back to the same path as before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up for the mere possibility of being late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job just for being late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am late I will not be able to be there to be handy within doing something such as opening the doors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I want to be early so that I can feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that I am attempting to control my entire life and everything happening in it, which is not possible and why I tense up and stress as soon as I am just 5 more minutes late then usual. Because I fear losing that Idea of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a control freak, seeing and realizing that it is irrational Fear hat leads to irrational actions, which is self compromising, instead of taking simple physical actions of prevention for being late that does not require fear but common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within irrational thoughts/behaviors from and as what I fear that is from past experiences as memories, which is the past.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in fear of being late to stop and to breathe and to instead asses the physical and take presentational actions.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am attempting to take physical actions that is from and as irrational thoughts of fear to stop and to breathe within the realization that I am attempting to control things outside of myself, instead of having the self control to stop fear and to move myself one and equal within and as the physical.

Father to be- Define Father - Day 325 Part 1

I realized after the self-forgiveness that I am writing in circles because I haven’t written out my actual experience in relation to becoming a father, and what my reaction are towards the word father and why.

I am going to write all of that out tonight and then continue on the self-forgiveness then as it will be more specific and not just based on floating information but constructive.

Currently I am not yet realizing the facts YET about what it means to be a father, I still only have Ideas and beliefs and definitions from my past of what it should be, or what it is supposed to be to be a father.

I have all these fears and definitions but it is useless writing them out if I cannot see how I have created them and where they come from and why I made them.

The first impression I had from what it means to be a father is obviously from my own father, the person I was raised to call father, and what I learned and how I have defined father and being a father was from my own father's actions and secondly his words, I connected action to the words that was used, it is how i remember how I defined them, not using words to define actions, that is impossible actually lol. You can’t hear a word and live it, there must be an example first.

here is my first definition of what a father is supposed to be, an Example for the child, An example is a living thing, a action, it is what one show to another what you have and are living and why/how/when/where/who/what etc. from my memories and what i can recall from my father and how he was as a example, he wasn’t really much around for us, so my definition from my father of father is where the father isn’t really around much, the father does not play a big role in raising the child, the father is out and working and bringing money into the home for us to be able to be raised and have a home and all those things, I only saw my father late at nights, and usually when he comes home I did not see him, I was either sleeping or playing with my brothers, this was during the week.

Part of the definition is that the father must obey the mother's words and that the father will always obey what is asked from the mother, this part comes in where my mom used to threaten us with my father and for when he comes home, so I have defined part of being a father as being the scary one, the one that must discipline and hit the children when it is asked of the mother, I have also defined father as being the person you fear, the person you don’t want to come home, the person that is consequences, the person that makes everything serious.

I see it like this, my father was never home but when he was home it was like a stranger that now suddenly has to punish you for what your mother asked of him.

I remember when I used to get saw of hurt myself that I would only call for my mom, even when my father was right there and ready to help, I would run past him or scream past him for my mother.

Here I can see fears coming to surface as i write the fear of being in my father’s position, not by choice but because of work and all the physical things that is taking place that forms such relationships.

I fear not being there for my child and that all I will be seen as will be a unpleasant experience, a fear, a consequence, a hurt, a stranger, and that my child will forget about me and not even know me till much later when the child is older and have been brainwashed to understand what a father is (the person who’s sperm created you with the mothers egg).

My father was busy all the time at work, I knew who he was as a symbol, not as a being, I know he smiled and looked tired all the time and just wanted piece and quite when he came home, I know he was in arguments with my mom quite a lot, My dad was always the one that had to only hear what happened during the day while my mother was taking care of the three of us (boys) and how my mother would tell my dad what we did and how we must be discipline and punished, and how my father would defend us and not really want to punish us, but my mother always won for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad as it might sound, what I mean is - the words being used that people have defined as evil and criminal and abusive such as “punish” – “discipline” – “screaming”. It was quite okay, but yet the example was all the things I observed from my father’s actions/words and what a father is then, and my mother, but I am focusing on the father point.

From this I have learned that mothers are always right and fathers are always wrong, fathers must keep the mother happy or there is hell on earth, fathers must work all day and come home and listen to the mother even though the father really does not care lol.

I have learned by example that the father is the good guy in being the bad buy, like a weapon, you fear it because of the fact it can be used as a weapon by somone else, and all the actions from the father is forced by the mother and that the father does not really want to do it, but has to.

The mother will have peace if the children are crying after punishment from the father. I started seeing more and more of my father as I grew up, as I was able to go to bed later and later and have more time during the day to do stuff, well night.

This is where I also started having more fun with my dad in weekends and having talks with my dad and sitting with my dad outside and just wonder about the universe, and how he would play music and smoke or read a book most of the time.

My dad started sharing with me more and more stuff, mostly about what he has red and his philosophies and theories and politics and so forth, I never really understood it, but that is what I got from my father, a father must be knowledgeable. A father must be reading a lot and be quite and be stable and be able to talk and be open about any conversation and even be inviting to expand on what to talk about and how to see the world and everything. I observed that my father was always very clean and neat, he kept his stuff always on a certain spot where he knew he would find it, he would be very organized and have routines, it worked for him and he stick to them, my dad also had a dancing side, he would listen rock and roll music and dance around a bit, well move his body and just enjoy the music. my father was able to cook and clean and he was very loose on raising us, he basically allowed us to do what we want with certain conditions that was purely precautions, after having talks with my mother first lol, he did not like to go out much, every now and again he would like to go to a movie, but mostly my dad was on saving money and not spending it on stuff that does not really matter but is purely for pleasure, although as a father that must be given to the mother to have a happy life lol – from this I can see I have defined this as being responsible.

To be continued. .

Day 324 – The Word father and Me Part 1

Father, or in Afrikaans it is Fader. I used to call my Father Dad or as it is in Afrikaans Pa. now I am soon to be a Father/dad and I am reacting to the word Father, as being called father. Reacting is either a Positive or a negative. So I will look at both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word Father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative energetic emotion to the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a Positive energetic feeling to the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word father in relation to me through connecting a negatively charged energetic emotion within and as the world in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word father in relation to me through connecting a positively charged energetic feeling within and as the word in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to other people calling me father.
Ok so now that was focused just on the word father. Now I am going to go into my relationship towards the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear the word father to react within and as a negative energetic experience of myself as not being capable of being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative Idea/perception of the word father to being responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being incapable of being a responsible father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create Ideas and beliefs about being a father that is of the mind as energy as projections and not based on reality as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create ideas/Beliefs/projection of what it means to be a father as being responsible for a child that to be a father I must be a Statue, a Picture, an Idea to my child that isn’t real/true but to be this False Image to present to my child for what I want my child to think of me instead of being a real responsible father through being HERE in and as the physical supporting and assisting my child as being the example within Who I am so that my child can create who He/she will be within what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be a cold statue that presents an image of who I am to my child such as what I am doing such as working and making money and being away from home all day and coming home late and not having the energy and time for my child as that is what a father is and must be and to connect this and already create this within what father means and what I must teach my child for what father means, seeing and realizing that this is the System Father figure/image and thus only a pre-programmed design to enslave and control people and that I do not have to fallow or live this father image/idea, I can breathe and be here as the physical and move and direct myself in each breathe and not as a system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that for me to be a father I must be following the Idea/image of what fathers currently are within the world, the providers and the ones always away, and the one that does not raise the child and have that much time for the child and that must rest when home and not spend time with the child and that has too much work and things on his mind and that as long as the father brings home money then the child will be happy. Seeing and realizing that it is all practical within the current system as what the father does, YET I do not have to define myself as it as who9 I am and that I do not have to follow it all as what I see it might be, that I can decide who I am within it all.

To be continued.

Day 323 – I want to do something NOW – what activates activists.

I am what people will call an Animal lover, I would acre for animals before I care for humans, I would put animals before humans basically, I would put nature and forests and rivers and the ocean before I put anything about humans first.

This came to me since a child, since I was very young, I found poisonous snakes better to play with then with humans, I enjoyed finding bugs and animals and playing with them before I would go for a human, humans always had this extra thing to them, they weren’t what they seemed. With animals I knew what I got. Because they did not hide it, they did not have to hide it, they were simply animals.
Nature was always fun to be with, playing with the trees and climbing them and crawling in the grass and playing in the mud and in the sand, nature was/is always cool, don's get airy faily ideas about nature now, there is dangers/harshness.

But I got over my shit I had with and towards humans, I started making friends pretty late and I always found it hard, I did not know how to be and mostly felt out of place. With nature I could smell, I could be wild and natural which is not having to car about what cloths I have on (if any lol) what my hair looks like, how I behave and acted, how I make noises and all those things)and that in itself takes away any extra stress and fears and all the bullshit I now think of daily and have to deal with, since I now only am around humans.

I grew up in a small town with just about 600 people, It was extremely quite in the entire town and there were still a lot of open fields next to the houses, as it wasn’t populated much, and I could run in them and play in them, I started walking the streets all alone since I was eight years old, from whenever till late and come back.

I only had to be around kids during school time, which was always weird for me, I was mostly comfortable around girls and being with girls, since they did not have that whole ego thing going such as most of the boys, I got laughed at for not playing sport and enjoying the sports they enjoyed, I was forced to play rugby by the school and group pressure, I later on enjoyed athletic a lot and tennis.
Basically I grew up with nature for the first thirteen years of my life till we moved to a different place, a city, where there are millions and only concrete during the day.

I used to get really mad/angry when I saw fields burning, since I played in the fields a lot and knew what was living in them, such as the antelopes and the bunnies and turtles and snakes and all the billions of bugs and birds eating in the fields and making nests even in the tall grass, and the moles.

I tried going to the bits of fields I saw was still available in the city, it was impossible to there without hard shoes, that has thick soles, as there was rubbish laying everywhere, glass and cans and plastic bags and all kinds of weird shit, sometimes I even found animal skin laying in the fields.

I used to built up a lot of anger, because I had a bit of a different education then those living in the city, I understood a simple thing such as a field and what it actually means and what is in it, and through seeing the fields in the city, I got really pissed, because I could see the people in the city does not CARE, but I did not consider they did not know, still that is no excuse anyway.

At a later stage in my life I would take plastic bags and I would go around and clean all the fields I could, I piled up a lot of bags in our back yard, BUT it never worked, all it took was one weekend and the exact same mess was there again.

This was only the beginning.

Then I started exploring the internet more and more, and I got to see beyond my own back yard, I got to see what’s happening all around the world, in all of the corners of our planet.

Especially now that I am with Desteni and Equal Money System, I have been more sp3ecific in my research and to also check the information I get.

The more information I am gathering of what’s happening to our planet and how fast the more and more I feel powerless, the more and more I feel there is really nothing we can do any more, the more I feel that I just want to destroy the planet and get it all over with, because all I see and all that there is for all life currently is a slow and brutal way of torture and abuse as the way of life currently is, Yet I do understand within walking with Equal Money System and to solutions that is HERE, that there is a way, There is NO HOPE, hope has already been lost, there is now only a way to FIX what we have done, to then Create a new world.

Because I specifically keep my eyes on the Natural resources of earth and what is still here on a regular basis, I can see within the past 5 years how it is getting worse and worse, for instance the Finishing of our forests and the extinction of animals and how some animals such as the Rhino/Cheetah/Lion/polar-Bear/Tigers/elephants/orangutan are closer and closer to extinction and that if Nothing happenings it will happen right in front of my eyes in my life time.

I sometimes feel like standing up and going crazy, taking myself out there and Fighting and protesting and having revolution and how I can save the animals, how I can protect them, how I can end what’s happening to them.

YET the evidence of such actions has proven itself useless within many many years of proof. So this has come a long way, since I was a kid, and now how it is escalating, how it is only getting worse, how the feeling of powerlessness and wanting to help all together creates this anger, this hate for the world (not earth) and how those two emotions can fuck it all up for me from ever truly doing anything f I had to follow them, because I now have seen the solution, it isn’t the one everyone prefer as it takes time and in time more and more animals/fish/oceans/forest will get abused/tortured and meet destruction in the time that it will take to have an actual permanent solution to the actual problem.

Human nature is the problem, human nature created money, and money now is running human nature, and because of this system we have that we all survive in, we can use money and our nature as a human to justify what we are doing for the sake of self-interest which is Fear which is fear for survival.

So we need to create a new system that is something completely different and that supports LIFE and where we live by principals – that which is best for all life in all ways, I cannot give the solution here ion one blow, I will give a links and that is where the solutions are, Investigate it and do not sacrifice your ability to change this world and to create a new world through going out and exposing yourself to the elite as who you are as an activist, that way they can control you and tag you and mark you and that way you will be made useless in the system. For instance revolutions/drastic actions/aggressive behavior etc.

There is a way and the right way and it is what most people want to fail at doing because it actually required dedication and patience and real action as a activist. Taking on the root problem the same way it controls everything, Politics/economics/government democracy.

Places for real activism to have real solutions.

Desteni
Equal Money System
Economics Journey to Life.
7 Year Journey to Life
Capitalism versus Equal Money.

and then Join us in the stand.

Day 322 – Money is a Dictator.

Here is the dictionary Definition of the word Dictator.

1. A ruler with total power over a country, typically one who has obtained power by force.
2. A person who tells people what to do in an autocratic way or who determines behavior in a particular sphere.

Money dictates everything I do on a daily basis, I am forced every day to work at a job that I have no interest in to make money, and with the Job comes more than just the job, I have to obey the boss, I have to obey the managers, I have to agree with co – workers even when I do not want to, even when I know that what I am doing is purposeless and has nothing to do with Life itself, but I have to do it to get the money that comes in on the end of the month.

Money forces people to do whatever there is to do, at work I have encountered a lot of people from the streets that ask me if there is a job for them at my work place, I tell them they must go ask the boss, they say they will do anything that needs to be done, they tell me they will mop, they will clean they will do whatever there is to do for a bit of money to feed themselves.

I have to wear the most uncomfortable cloths I can wear, tight pants that has delicate fabric that can’t touch anything rough or it gets damaged, it shows any form of dirt or hair on it, I wear white shirts with a tie, I have to wear shoes that are designed to literally just look good, it has no grip, it has no physical support in terms of the physical reality, all they do is shine and be bright, I have to wear deodorant that stinks and builds up sinuses, I have to clip my nails every weak for in-case it might be just a little bit too long according to what’s professional or not, I have to shave my face every morning for in-case there is some beard that might make me look dirty instead of sexy, I have to look clean and like a doll, for me to be able to keep my job so that I can have money.

I have to do whatever is asked of me in the work place from the boss, not because the boss is my boss, but because the money I get from my boss decides if I will do it or not, even when I am asked to go on runs for personal reasons for the boss, I do it, and I lose out on my working time where I can make money, but I can’t say no, the boss can start to dislike me and end up losing my job and have no money.

I have to Change my behavior at work completely to satisfy others so that I can make money, the behavior ends up becoming like every ones else’s behavior, it’s like an automatic thing that takes place, like no one notices it but everyone at work are exact copies of each other there, because it is that specific behaviors that is acceptable and brings in money lol. So much for freedom.

I wake up in the morning at six and I immediately start preparing myself for work, I do not wake up for myself, I wake up for the money, I wake up an hour before work to prepare for work to then go to work and then work all day for money, I drive hours a day in traffic and dealing with will I be late or not, for money.

I get home from work to only then rest and relax not for myself but for work again tomorrow, so that I can be effective while I work and do things properly so that I can earn my money.

I started this job two months ago and in that time I have lived and breathed only for money, there is no space for anything else, I have NO choice, I have no freedom, I have nothing of myself as everything is done for money, everything I say and do becomes about and for my job for the money.

We all believe we are so fucking free, yet no one has sat down and written down a entire day and what happens in a entire day in their life’s, and then a week – because if that has to happen we will all see a scary thing, it’s all the same, we are being forced and dictated by money to do what we do, but Most will delude themselves to believe that it is for freedom, it is for the weekend baby, but then the weekend is also used to forget and to party and to suppress, again for money, because people do that so that they can continue another week.

So the difference between capitalism and communism is, in capitalism you are given the Idea/believe that you are making the choice to be forced into doing certain things and in communism you are simple forced, but either way, you are forced and by the exact same thing, for money in both the ISMS.

I definitely vote for a entire new world system - were I can do work that isn't purposeless and wasteful and wasting my time just for money, but where work can be a way of LIFE a living a fun joyful act of self as it must be something that actually matters and not be a force just for survival, and survival for money, what the fuck is up with that - www.equalmoney.org