Day 236 – Childhood Memories and Emotional Body Final.

Here I will write out commitments that are practical to live and apply when and as such points come up that I walked through in the previous blogs.

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - Childhood memory and emotional body part 3.4 

 Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.6

I commit myself to when and as I am applying a new task that seem like it will require of me to do more than the usual within moving my body and using physical strength/stamina/endurance, To Not participate in any thoughts that might come up and to not give any thoughts/feelings/emotions validation/attention, within the understanding and realization that the thoughts/feelings/emotions inst real and only the past imposing on the present to keep myself enslaved and limited as to satisfy the mind as energy, and to instead BREATHE and focus here on the physical within my every movement, my breathe and the detail of me here in the flesh, as that is real and not being crippled by the mind through beliefs/ideas/opinions/judgments.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into the thoughts to Breathe and to focus on the breathe – within the understanding and realization that it will be a deliberate act and not something easy, as it will be me as the physical WILLING and CHOOSING for real to not be a slave to the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I have accepted and allowed as normal all my life and thus it will be something that requires deliberate actions against pre-programming.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participating in the new tasks at hand within thoughts/feelings/emotions that cripples the flesh/body as me, to NOT judge myself or go into more thoughts/feelings/emotions about it and to instead keep it real and simple and breathe to bring myself back here as that which is real and can be physically confirmed by me and every else as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I experience a sudden emotional breakdown, to NOT make it real and to not FEAR it, but to instead within the realization that it is being experienced as it is because of me giving thoughts/feelings/emotions (mostly emotions in this case) attention and validation over many years and that I never dealt with it and now it is being forced out of me out of the flesh through the actions/activity I am doing and that It is okay to let it go, and to not make it important, and to breathe as the stabilizing point, to then go and write out the experience and everything that I experienced in detail to lay it out for myself and to see what it is, and to then Forgive myself and to give myself a new slate, a new breathe to start over and walk what is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to when and as I write about past experiences or experiences that just occurred, to check that I am actually within the writing for myself being honest with myself and to breathe while I write it out to see clearly how it all happens and why so that I cannot hide from myself anymore and repeat the past over and over simply because I belief that what is happening to me is something bigger than me and all it is really is me not understanding how it all works and how I created it myself.

I commit myself to when and as I write about the past in self forgiveness to check my starting point and to breathe and clear myself from any mind influences that has an agenda, and to change my starting within the understanding and realization that I am doing this to in fact forgive myself and to not hold it against myself and to give to myself a new clean slate to live the correction and to take self responsibility for any and all consequences I have already created as myself fully.

Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.6

Continuing from:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - Childhood memory and emotional body part 3.4

I am continuing from this sentence from the previous blog
“So as time moves on and these situation happen over and over again and I keep on accepting and allowing these thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist and come up within me they start to compound more and more and create layers after layers within my physical body, as the information is stored within the body.

This eventually created my body as one big compounded emotional body.,”
So seeing this point I can see for instance when I do something that will trigger that memory/experience that ALL the layers suddenly hit me, like a wave of emotions.

Looking at the word emotion I see that there is a “E” and what do we all know is known as “E”, it is a reference to XTC – and ETC is a energetic experience, and within this we have the word motion, so it is a motion of experiences that come over self.

And now after years of participating within this same experience as the emotions/thoughts/feelings it makes the motion of the energetic experience BIGGER, and within this when I for instance do pushups and meet my limits and want to do more but cant – then these emotions comes over me and I experience a emotional breakdown within my body, where I will fall down to the ground and my arms just cannot push up anymore –this shows how I have given power to the thoughts/emotions/feelings over my body that it can actually take me down, YET it isn’t even real.

It is like giving the body a electrical shock that I created myself, and then I blame my body for being weak, when in the meanwhile it wasn’t the body at all, it was the mind that forced the beliefs/ideas/opinions as thoughts/feelings/emotions onto the body.

I can see within writing this out how thoughts/feelings/emotions is only limitation, as I see that any thoughts/feeling/emotion that I have compromises the body within its actual functionality, it reduces the body to being less.

Secondly what i see within writing this out is that there are consequences that no one is aware of that can manifest from participating within thoughts/feelings/emotions, because as I can see that I have always only accepted and allowed the emotional turmoil’s within me, and then years later I end up with a emotional problem and heavy self judgments that leads to be abusing my body and so many other things, and then my actions that is only mine but yet part of the whole effects the whole, and then there are millions of me’s doing the same thing every day without understanding anything about thoughts/feelings/emotions, let alone where they come from, how they created it, why the created it and how to stop them.

To be continued on self corrective statements.

Day 235 – Childhood Memory and Emotional Body Part 3.5

This is a continuation of:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 234 - childhood memory and emotional body Part 3.4

What have I seen and realized thus far within the Self forgiveness I have done in the previous blogs. I have seen that through and within my childhood years I have been raised to compete with other Humans.

The starting point within competing with other humans is to WIN, there are always only two options when competing, this is Win or Lose and it does not matter how many are participating, there can always only be one winner and the rest are losers.

Through competition in childhood years that is taught to us children is done with specific intentions – these intentions are imposed onto the children from the adults through their behavior and words.

So once each child has Identified the behavior/words from the adults to why the child must compete and what is expected within competing from the child, the child has now created multiple dimension within such a point, mainly fear, because no matter what is imposed onto the child to compete and why the one point that is always the same is do NOT lose, or rather we hope you do not lose.

So now as the child has been taught to compete from the starting point of fear the child starts creating inner conflict – this is thoughts/feelings/emotions – and since a child is never taught what thoughts/feelings/emotions are they are left with it to themselves to do with it what they want.

This is where the child will start to compare himself to other children, and within this comparison at a physical level Judge him/her self accordingly. And according to the judgment that is done from a observation with the starting point of fear as to will the child be able to compete and win with the other humans, the child not starts creating Emotions or feelings towards the thoughts of comparison.

The comparison happens at a physical level of integration when there is competition and some Physical bodies that mature faster or slower will be compared with the child him/her self and it will be classified as winners and losers within the mind.

So within my example that I have walked within these blogs I can see that I have taken place in physical activities where the motivation was to compete to win from the starting point of fear which came from those that has gone before me, and within this physical participation of competition I have created memories, the memories is created from. within certain events/scenarios that took place where there was certain impressions given to me from my physical world and the people, and according to their physical impressions I experience myself a certain way dependent on the impressions given to me, either happy/excited adults, or sad/angry adults, and accordingly I create either emotions or feelings, emotions is that of negative and feeling is that of positive.

So now what the physical activity has taken place and the memories have been created from certain events/moments that impressions was given to me on how I am doing within competing I now create thoughts.

The thoughts will come up as a reaction, a response to certain events/scenarios/moments where competition is involved and the thoughts will be to either create or to avoid certain things – as the thought is me looking back at a memory and taking a moment of that memory and reflecting it back to myself in my mind, then I will either have a negative experience or positive experience.

Taking my example again within these blogs and what it is about I see that I have mostly created emotional energetic charges within me, as the memories I have of the past from which the thoughts come from was mostly me Losing and then facing the impressions from everyone around me in their words and behaviors, and accordingly I made those impressions something I want to avoid.

So I use the thoughts that is like a warning sign for me to not want to experience that again or the other way, those emotions – so when and as I do participate within physical activities that is of competition it is within fear which is already a negative emotion, and then if I lose within the competition there is more fear, because now I have already had the thought of what I want to avoid and then the thought becomes reality again because I did not avoid it, that in itself is already more fear and more self judgment, more suppression's and self hatred, then there is more impressions coming from the adults once I face them in my Lost and being a failure and not good enough.

So as time moves on and these situation happen over and over again and I keep on accepting and allowing these thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist and come up within me they start to compound more and more and create layers after layers within my physical body, as the information is stored within the body.

This eventually created my body as one big compounded emotional body.,

To be continued. This is getting more and more specific, stay tuned.

Day 234 - childhood memory and emotional body Part 3.4

 This is a continuation of:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child belief that I am less than an inferior to other kids because I could not compete with them in the physical tasks/activities.

Ok so now I am going to look at the specific backchat that comes up when and as I apply myself within doing certain physical activities such as running or playing rugby or lifting weights or any other activity that requires me to do something more than usual that pushes me beyond my physical comfort zone.

Back chat.
Why am I so weak?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I do a physical activity that is out of the usual that I find difficult to accept and allow the back chat of “why am I so weak” to exist within me, instead I see and realize that if I stop the back chat and instead Breathe that I will have focus and thus more strength to do the activity as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as the back chat of “why am I so weak” come up within me that this back chat is charging energy within me where I push myself down and break myself down with my own words, which leads to me having an emotional breakdown while doing such an activity and quite before I ever actually really tried.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break myself down though accepting and allowing the back chat of “why am I so weak” to exist and come up within me with the intention of me hurting myself emotionally as a way of punishing myself for not being as strong as the others that I have judged and compared myself to as being more and better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have the back chat “why am I so weak” that the back chat is speaking towards a certain thought I have within my mind of the past where I have compared myself to others, and thus seeing and realizing that the back chat is a reaction to the thought that then confirms the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am about to do a physical activity/task that is required of me to do that I first bring the past here of where I have judged others as being stronger than me or better than me and that they would be able to do the task, and to within this comparison make my starting point for doing the task to see if I can be better, and so when and as I do the task and I see that I am failing at the task to then have the back chat coming up of “why am I so weak” still reacting to the thought I first had and then to create a energetic experience of emotions within me of weakness and powerlessness within me as I take my entire past of many years of having these thoughts and back chat and emotions/feelings within me and bring it all together in one moment as a final judgment where I tell myself I haven’t changed a bit I am still weak and will probably always be weak and to then experience a emotional breakdown where I for instance suddenly collapse within the activity or give up and create such an activity/task as a point to avoid and something I don’t like doing.

End of back chat point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am less than the physical tasks that other children can do and I can not, seeing and realizing that I have already judged myself and created thoughts/feelings/emotions within myself of and towards the task where I fail, thus I see and realize that i first have to breathe and stop all thoughts/feeling/emotions I have created towards the task and then to do it and to see what is here and what is real or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if and when I compare myself with others and what they are capable and to judge myself as not being capable within my mind already before I have even tried it, that I will compromise myself within the task and not in fact see if I am capable or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I observe others within doing certain tasks and to within the observation compare myself with them and to within this create thoughts where I see myself either doing the task better than them or worse than them dependent on how I have judge the task as easy or hard and to within this create a line for myself of where I create points within my life of what I am comfortable with doing and what I avoid doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and to see what is here within new tasks and to instead go into the mind where the beliefs/ideas/opinions I have over a certain task influences me and how I do the task on a emotional lever first and then a physical level as the emotions effect the body according to what I belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than others when and as I see that I cannot physically compete with them, and to within this create a emotional feeling of being inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other children and their physical bodies and what they are capable of and that I am not, instead of focusing on what I can do and to better and perfect myself within what I am capable of.

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

Day 233 – Childhood memory and Emotional Body Part 3.3

continuing from:

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

The comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going out of my comfort zone as having to do something that I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing what I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking myself as my body into uncomfortable situations where I have to move my body and use my body and be here as my body to do such tasks, seeing and realizing within this statement that I am actually just to lazy to do something more then my regular accepted and allowed pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the fear of doing something outside of my comfort zone is not within the actual physical acts of doing the task//activity, but that it is the experience of emotional energy within me that I fear experiencing,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going where it is uncomfortable for me within physical activities/tasks simply because of the energetic experience I have attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the energetic emotional experience that I fear experiencing within doing the physical activity/task is actually me fearing experiencing myself as the past again, as me within my memories of when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the point that I am still that child and that I have simply now avoided me as that child and how I have experienced myself in the past through avoiding physical activities that is remotely the same that I know will bring up the experience of me that I fear facing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as a child and what I experienced, seeing and realizing that as long as I avoid facing me as the child where I created these emotions and feelings and experiences within me and accepted and allowed them to be me, that I will always give the childhood experiences dominance over my life within what I do and do not do, what I like and dislike and so create my own prison of likes and dislikes as limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as me as the child where I was powerless to the emotions I had within doing certain physical events/activities/tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing physical points within reality of where I face the back chat of “I cannot do this” and “I do not want to do this” as me giving up on myself as I did when and as I was a child where I made these experiences points to avoid within me and so fear them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see points within my world that I need to attend that is out of the regular pattern of comfort-ability to have the thoughts of seeing myself being in discomfort and not enjoying myself, to then have the back chat of - “I do not want to do this” and ‘I can not do this” as trigger points for the resistance fear/emotional experience that is of my childhood to then activate the behavior within me to physically try and avoid having to do it or to get away from doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a point comes up within reality where I need to move out of my comfort zone as to having to do something more then the regular daily pattern to go into thoughts of the future of how I may experience myself and feel while doing so, seeing and realizing that this is the past experiences of me as my childhood that I have taken and simply projected it into the future again in fear of creating that experience again, thus seeing and realizing that I must stop the thoughts and breathe and direct myself in and as breathe and be here in the present moment, to stop creating the past over and over again as my fears.

To be continued.

Day 232 – Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.

This is a continuation of Day 231 – Emotional Body and Childhood Memory Part 3.1

Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear new tasks that is asked of me to do, within the belief that I will not be able to do it.

Why do I fear new tasks?

I for forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as my failures and to within that create a point of fear within me towards the general point of new tasks.

How do I fear new tasks?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I fear new tasks to instead of facing such fear within taking the task on, create a resistance towards any and all new tasks and judge it as not for me and that it isn’t what I do as a way of escaping the point to never face it, as I have not created a character that Fear new tasks that is asked of me that will require me to do more.

Continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be when and as I fail a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of failing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I have identified myself as, as the experience of when I fail, as being all emotional and crying and experiencing myself as that, seeing and realizing that I can decide who I am in each breathe and that as long as I keep repeating the past within me I will create it so in reality, instead of breathing and giving myself a new clean slate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as emotional and weak and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and avoid any and all tasks that require me to push myself beyond the beliefs I have of myself as I fear that once I push myself I can not handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed either by myself or others as the pushing itself already is a indication that to me that I cannot do it myself and require help which to me is a indication that I am incapable.

New memory – “Being Bullied in Grade two (8 years old in a new school) I am pushed around on the stairs and falling down, with three younger guys (7 years old) laughing at me while pulling me on the floor and pushing me down on the ground and feeling powerless and confusion to what happening, till I cried and they stopped as other’s intervened.” For new Blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am being pushed by myself or others that it is a indication of disbelieve within them towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret being pushed as being a indication from everyone else that I am not capable and to within this create the fear of not being capable and that it will only confirm within others that I am not capable if I fail and thus feel less and inferior even before the task is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating within the mind as interpretations of what others are saying to me to create thoughts of projections of me failing and not being good enough, and to within this create the negative energetic experience of fear and anxiety within myself towards what has to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to what I think and belief others think and belief of me, instead of focusing on what needs to be done in and as breathe and see what is here and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a failure within my mind way before anything has even happened, never giving myself a chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and belief failure to be Bad, due to programming within the system of the current world that is based on winners and losers and that it should determine who we are, never giving us the chance to actually learn and the mind created expectation is based on that you only have one chance and that is it. seeing and realizing that within an equal money system failure will be okay and that it will be a point of learning as nothing within an equal money system will determine your life or future based on if you win or lose, be rich or poor to have a life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am asked by others to do a task that seems extreme within my mind and that requires physical durability and strength to belief and feel that I am being abused, seeing and realizing that it is only the mind taking reality and interpreting reality and thus it isn’t what is seems to be in fact and cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic emotion of feeling abused to having to do things for others where it is required that I have to push my body into uncomfortable situation to accomplish these expectations other have of me and where for a moment I will not enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not se and realize that because I have had a comfortable life where I always could decide what to do and when I want to do it or if I want to or not that when something is asked of me that requires me to go out of my comfort zone.

To be continued.

Day 231 - emotional Body and childhood memory Part 3.1

I am nine years old , grade 3 – I am being encouraged to take on a athletic event, it is a running event and it requires me to run 2 kilometers, to me within my understanding 2 kilometers are quite a long distance, I am told that it isn’t, I insist that I do not want to do it, I am once again told that I can do it since I have done it before when I was eight years old.

The elders do not give up on the “wanting” for me to run in this athletic event, they belief it is part of my potential, because my father used to be a good runner in his days, this is implying that I should be a good runner just like my father.

I stick to not running, I am at school and I hear the other kids talk about who is going to run and who isn’t, I hear a specific kid saying that he is going to run, I can’t believe he is going to run, he is quite over weight and seems like he will get tired pretty quick and quite in the long distance race, I feel challenged and that I should also be able to do this if he can.

I am at home, I tell the elders that I will do the long distance race, they are happy, they tell me many things, of which one is that my father was a great runner and that this means it is in my genes and I will find it to be easy.

My best friend is also going to do the race, he keeps telling me that running 2 kilometers is nothing, it will be a quick race, I feel inferior to him and that he can claim such a thing when I cannot, I am in fear and anxious of the race, I hate it when the gun shot goes off and all the kids start to run, some are in the front and some are in the back, I am always in between in such events, if it is long distance or short, I always feel like I can fall behind anytime or just give up, while the rest can continue, they must be stronger than me and better naturally, I must be missing something.

It is required of me to practice on a weekly base, for two weeks I train, the training isn’t that hard, it is basically running a few laps everyday and doing a lot of stretching, the training actually makes the race seem like it will not be that hard.

The teacher that trains us says that the race is the same distance as running five times around the “rugby” field, this startled me and at the same time my mind interpreted it as not much, but in training sessions we only go around twice.

The day has come of the event, I am dressed up and I am at the point and time of the race, there are thousands of people, parents/families with the runner being the center of attention, everyone is competing with everyone, even the families with each other, who’s kid is better then who’s, I feel it is my responsibility to make my elders proud and to make this race happen.

As I am standing around I feel that I do not want to do it, I go to my parents and say I do not want to do the race, both my parents sitting in chairs they brought to watch me run stare at me – they say: we are already here and you trained, why not give it a try, I did not want to do it, the anxiety in my stomach was to big and over whelming, the pressure of competing was getting to me, I do not like competing.

My parents made a deal with me, they told me that if I run and finish the race that they will buy me a frozen drink, they were selling it all around, this drink is literally two rands, I did not have that money back then and anything seemed as a good idea, I said okay I will do it for that.

I walked away and stood around, then came a girl from school, she was smiling and saying hi to me, I secretly liked her but she never knew, she then asked me If I am running today – I felt this energy rush, I could proudly say YES I am running today, like it gave me meaning and like I am a capable guy, I am doing something many others aren’t doing today, and I could tell this girl I am doing it.

She then said okay good luck and we both just stood there, I then heard the announcement for my age group to gather on the field and give our names in for the race.

As I stood on the field waiting in line my friend also joined in, he seemed so calm and like he actually wanted to do this, he then asked me if I am ready, I said yes with a fake confidence to seem like I am equal to his standing.

We got our names in and we were all standing in line, at least a hundred kids my age, the person started talking and I heard a gunshot – Off we all go, the race has started.

I am running to stay with my friend, but he is simply faster, I even saw a kid younger than me running with us and taking me over, a lot of kids are bumping into each other and trying to get ahead of each other, we hardly started and I am already tired, I just want to stop, I can’t see anyone I know around me anymore, they are all gone, I am left running on my own and I know I am not in front, I basically already lost.

I do not know the road, there are people standing around with red flags showing me the way to where I must go, it leads into a field, there is no one, I have no idea how far I am from the finish line or if I am the only one left, I continue running, I see up ahead there is a kid, it is the other kid from my class that I could not belief were also going to run, he is walking and out of breathe, I take him over, I feel proud that I could beat him at least, he starts to run again as I pass him, I pace myself to not lose my small win for the day.

I get a cramp in my stomach ad I am tired, I want to stop, it is now a uphill run, I never trained for this at all, I see I am getting back to the area we started off at, I run in-between the bushes and meet up with other tired kids there still running, I feel good that I could catch up, but no matter what could not over take them, they were just in front of me the whole time.

We reach the rugby field where we started off, I feel so fucking happy, I see the finish line, as I get closer I start to walk, I am to tired, as I get to the finish line the person tells me that I still have to run around the field twice and then I am done.

My parents are screaming for me on the side and the girl I spoke to, I do not hear them, I see them but do not hear them, I am completely emotion – I have to do this for two more rounds before I am done.

I start running, I don’t want to, that all that is going through my head, I am feeding the emotions, like I am being forced, I am being abused, it is unfair, I don’t want to, why does no one understand that I do not want to, the last thought that comes through my mind is, If i do not finish this I will not get that iced drink my parents said I can have if I finish.

I am half way through the first round, I decided to stop, I will not continue, I started walking towards my parents, they are screaming at me and saying, you must finish, I start running again, I feel broken, my body isn’t supporting this, I am almost done, I have to run a hundred meters more.

I start to cry, I scream out I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it, I am emotionally wrecked, my body wants to collapse, I fall on my knees, EVERYONE is watching me and hearing me and I don’t give a shit, my parents scream, just a little bit more GIAN, just a little bit more, the game does not matter to me anymore, I run off the field crying straight towards my parents, I had to literally run 50 more meters and I would have finished, But I did not.

My parents did not comfort me as I entered their presence, they left me to cry and to remain in the emotional state, they were to embarrassed to support me at that moment and I did not know what to do with myself.

We packed our things and we left, I did not get that iced drink. I left the field knowing that I never want to experience that again, it was horrible, it was disastrous, I hated that whole day and the whole experience, I am wondering who will remember me for how I acted out on the field, I felt ashamed and like a loser to the rest, everyone could finish it except me.
Next up self forgiveness.

Day 230 – Emotions trapped in the Flesh part 3.

Ok so I wasn’t able to get the interview, as I started to download the interview from yesterday that I said I wanted to listen to before continuing on this point it told me that the download will take 4 days!! I decided to instead focus on self forgiveness points for today on the first Blog.

Day 228 – Working, The Physical and emotion Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious/fearful of when I have to do activities that seem to be bigger then me and what I "should be" capable of, as if I will be incapable of doing them, seeing and realizing that this is but the mind interpreting the physical reality from and within the ideas/beliefs I have created of the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am incapable of performing/doing a physical activity that I am less then the activity and thus I see and realize how I have within this judgment of myself created a emotional charge towards physical activities within my life where I felt powerless/incapable fo performing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this Idea/belief I have created of myself as a child where I was incapable of doing certain things equally as the other boys and to within this judgment feel less then and inferior to the other boys and activities, and thus seeing and relaizing that when and as I face a point within my life of where I have to push myself to do a physical activity that I find myself incapable of doing due to physical disabilities I belief I have that this activates the past memories and thus emotions within me where I suddenly Fear that I have not changed an thus I am still a weak boy that is inferior and incapable. 

I will walk this memory in my next Blog as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea/belief that the physical reality is more than me, not seeing and realizing that I am physical one and equal, and that I have to within this work with and as the physical one and equal as myself and not in separation of myself where I belief I am the mind that has to do this bigger task then me that is physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the mind as the beliefs/ideas/opinions I have of myself within my relationship towards my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the Idea that the physical is hard/mean/tough/ and to within this separate myself from the physical reality within the belief that I am not one and equal as the physical, that my equality as the physical is to be able to work with this hardness/meanness/toughness as myself as the physical through using common sense and consideration and to apply myself practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not from this world of the physical and thus anything physical I have to do is always a struggle and hard and tough and out to get me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the belief/idea I have of the physical and myself in relation to the physical is but of the mind, where the mind will attempt to keep me enslaved to energy so that I can never realize myself as life one and equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the Idea that when and as I do something within the physical that is out of my comfort zone that I have to experience something emotional within me as if I am being abused by the physical, seeing and realizing that it is the comfort zone that I have created for myself as my limitation where I live within the mind instead of the physical reality one and equal that is actually harming.

To be continued. 

Day 229 –Emotions trapped in the flesh Part 2

This is a continuation of Day 228 – Working, the Physical and emotions Part 1.

I was going to look into this point a bit deeper, seeing how I trap these emotions within my body/flesh through daily participating within it. 

I have noticed within the exercises that I release some of the emotions from and as the body within specific movements and always breathing, a single thought will trigger emotion/feeling and when and as I have the thought that is either me seeing myself not being able to do it I experience the emotion of fear, this indicates to me that there is somewhere a memory, a past event, a emotional event within my life that has a similar experience within it that I have identified myself as, as that emotion and that it gets triggered within me as I face a certain physical “limitation”.

I have decided that before I continue on this Journey of seeing what’s going on here within my body and the trapped emotions I am going to listen to the following interview that seems relevant for me to first get a inter-dimensional perspective so that I don’t make shit up or create things as I see as fit lol.

If this interview - that I will be listening to tomorrow, if this isn’t what I was looking for I will check out heavens journey to Life blog as well for perspective there so that I can walk this effectively. 

The Emotional and Feeling Body System and Physical Energy-Alignments

In this video interview, we discuss the Energy-System of the Mind within the Human Physical Body and how and why we experience positive, negative and neutral energetic experiences/reactions within ourselves – pertaining to where such energies come-from, what their purpose are and what the consequence of such energies are for ourselves mentally and physically.

Day 228 - Working, the physical and emotion Part 1

Working in the physical here on the farm I have come to notice some interesting points within my body while working, I have done some hard labor and I do daily routine work, the daily routine work is very supportive in movement and breathing and staying out of the mind.

When it comes to doing something more than the daily work that requires more physical strength and movement I have these sudden reactions within my body of anxiety/fear. As I work and continue with the activity the anxiety/fear moves and eventually

The location of the anxiety/fear that I experience as sudden reactions happen in certain movements/moments with the work I do, this is for instance when i have to lift up a bag of cement, just before I pic it up I have a reaction of anxiety, as I pic the bag of cement up and move myself within breathing I move through the anxiety, I do realize that the reaction compromises me as I face myself in that moment just before picking up the bag, the part I see I face is a self definition, this is where I belief that I should not be able to do this and that I have identified myself as I should not be able to do it, yet I am going to - I have to, there is no choice, so as I move and do it I breathe and as I do the work picking up the bag the fear/anxiety is within my solar plexus like a disgusting pot of cyst boiling there.

I have through doing lots of work like this moved out of this emotional body - where the reactions isnt here and I simply do it. I have however encountered a bigger emotional point that I see I have created as my body, into the flesh and as me and that I have identified myself as this emotional body.

I discovered the emotional body one night as I was going to do some exorcized, I started out with doing some sit ups, then I did some rope jumps and after the rope jumps I did some pushups, when and as I did the push ups, I set myself out to do 20 push ups - this exercise session I started after a day of working outside already, so I started the push up and I counted, I found doing it was easy, then I came to sixteen - I suddenly could not go further, I experienced myself as powerless to continue in my body, I felt like there was not one more push in me no matter how hard I try, I went down for the seventeenth push, I fell to the floor and my arms just could not even hold my body up, I got tears in my eyes, I asked myself why, why cant I do more, it isnt that much, I have done more in the past, a lot more.

as I was laying on the floor I breathed and I told myself I have no choice, I am doing this, I then stopped all thoughts and I breathed in and as my body from tip to toe I pushed myself up with breathe, I breathed and push and I was up and I continued till twenty pushups were done, when I stood up from this exercise I was here as my body, I felt my body as me, and not as the usual way where I experience my mind using the body.

This was where I saw the emotional body, I investigated it through the rest of the exercises, as I still had two more rounds to go with everything, I was able to do everything after this, I pushed through one layer of the emotions that I have have programmed as me into the flesh, It felt like I was burning the emotions out of the body within the rest of the exercise, my body was heating up and becoming movement, I also did stretches in between and moving myself as I felt physically where the body needed to be stretched.

This was quite a eye opener to the emotional body - I realize how I have constricted myself within self definitions throughout my life, as self judgments as self definitions of what I can do and can not do and actually define myself as my body as that - this causes a emotional charge that integrates into the body - and when I face those points of "here I can not go further, this is my limit"I experience the emotional body bringing me down through internal experiences that bombards the physical body - like a master whipping a slave till the slave can not stand and move anymore, it is now to remove that which I have given power over the body as thoughts/emotions/feelings and to give me back to myself as the body as the master of the body, mastering myself as my body and not as limitations of the mind.

I have been exercising for a week now pushing and doing this, I am living this correction also within my daily living.

After I have done a workout session I experience hotness in the areas where the emotional points have leached onto, this is within the solar plexus and on the areas between my chest bones in the middle, also in between my ribs and by my upper legs.

It is almost like I am returning my water within my body back to a state of flowing, where as before my body was stuck, locked into a state, a emotional state I am not even aware of

Day 227- The Apocalypse did not happen, what Now?

Day 226 -  – 12-12-21 Apocalypse – who is right, who is wrong. Part 3.

Day 225 - Who's right, who's wrong the Apocalypse fever 12-12-21

Day 224 – The Apocalypse Battle of who is right and who is Wrong 21/12/12

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy as excitement within the idea that the world will end through some natural or un-contollable disaster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse fear with excitement and to follow this excitement as hidden fear within the belief that it might be fun if the world ends as predicted by many in many ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the idea of the world ending within my mind as projections of how it might be, not seeing and realizing that within my mind it is always different according to my own beliefs and ideas where I am always a hero and winning and surviving not considering the actual physical reality, and to within following this mind illusion actually create the world in such a way that it will come to an end, the only difference is, I will be the cause and have always been and not some natural disaster or uncontrollable event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fall for the illusion within my mind that i have created according to my desires and hopes that I will be one of the survivors within a apocalypse, not seeing and realizing that everyone has this illusion of themselves and thus it is un-realistic and only entertainment for the mind while the actual physical reality is being neglected and abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of changing the world to a place worth living in for all life and to stop the abuse on earth and create heaven for all where people will never even consider hoping and wishing for an apocalypse and to instead sit and wait for many many years of my life and wasting all my time and money and effort chasing a illusion in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I wait for the end of the world and wait and wait and await and just wait and it will never come as it is in my mind or as it is being advertised, that within that I am actually giving away my authority and ability and time and money to change the world in fact.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I wait and waste all my time waiting for the end of the world that I am not the only one and that millions of other humans are doing the same and wasting time and money and their lives waiting for the and of the world and that within this creates a world with paralyzed humans to act and thus giving the elite all the power to do as they please as no one is willing or even care to stop what exist here on earth as the justification will always be - it does not matter the end of the world is coming soon anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in all the time and all the money and all the effort I placed into entertaining illusions of the mind of the desire and hope for the end of the world to come that I could have made a change in fact here on earth and create a world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within entertaining the illusions in my mind where my ego as a hero experiences a apocalypse and where I survive out of all the people to spend all my time and money on using actual real physical resources to manifest this fantasy world through the weapons, foods, clothing, shelters that is built and wasting it all for a mind game, instead of putting that to that which matters and that can actually change earth to a new world that is best for all life in all ways such as the equal money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have been conned by the elite to believe in the apocalypse that comes this year December 21 - as the elite had and have all the power to make simple announcements through using the means of radio/TV and all forms of media to inform the people that it is all bullshit, yet they do not do this and leave the people to entertain themselves within it all, as the elite knows it keeps people busy and locked within their minds and this way they can do what they want without any questions and take control of the physical reality while I am stuck in fear of the apocalypse that is really all made up and accepted and allowed by the elite to fuck around with, even with their own people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and educate myself on what is here as the fact, without using any outside information to evaluate the physical reality for myself and see if the end days are close of not and to within this take action, because this way i see and realize that I would have then never even give a shit about a apocalypse as the apocalypse only became true for me once I got outside influences through knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions of fear and entertaining Illusions such as the apocalypse predicted for 2012 December 21 through saying but eh knowledge and information I have of it seems so real and look at all the sense it makes, yet not using my own common sense for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for the easy road within change here on earth as a apocalypse, seeing and realizing that this will not happens and then all I have done is making things worse here on earth through doing nothing for years at a end waiting and living in my mind while things in the physical only multiplied in consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is to late now to do anything as I have already wasted to much time, seeing and realizing that this is the same justification as waiting for an apocalypse and thus I must stop and move myself here and now and start to be the change I want as that which is best for all life in all ways through bringing about an equal money system as the alternative way of life that can be heaven for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself within changing the world through wanting a apocalypse to do the work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a victim, seeing and realizing that as long as I accept and allow it to be so I will be it, thus the solution is to stop and stand up and say - Fuck this, I will not stand for the illusions of the mind and instead walk the physical with the understanding of the fall for the apocalypse scam and that I will never accept and allow such thing to exist within me again and stand for that which is bets for all life instead as a self corrective statement of taking back authority with integrity.

I commit myself to when and as the apocalypse does not happen, to within the realization of what I have been living as the illusion as the mind as the thoughts as the feeling and emotions and all the knowledge and information I had of an apocalypse to stand as the evidence that the mind isnt real and inf act only abusive as it has proven to me how I can fuck with myself within the mind and to within this see and realize the consequences of my actions within participating within the mind as the illusion within the physical reality and to within this take self responsibility for my inaction as the consequences and take self responsibility through standing up as life and to stand as the self correction of me to rebirth myself as life one and equal in all ways and to direct myself to bring about real and actual change to earth as myself as who I am and to within that establish a system that supports all life on earth as the equal money system as honoring myself and respecting myself and to have some dignity as me giving mercy to myself though correcting myself in all ways that is best for all life in all ways as asking forgiveness to life as myself and forgiving myself as living the correction.