Day 473 - Insecurity and part of my story Part 1

I have been insecure all my life, people would not say that about me from observing me, in fact people would say I am the opposite, yet that is exactly why there are insecurities.

Let me explain: I started out my life as quite an alone child, not lonely, just alone, I grew up in a small town with a very low population, below a thousand. This meant there weren’t many children to play with or other people to interact with. So I learned to entertain myself and to be comfortable with myself and my expression being mostly alone with myself.

So after many years of establishing this relationship with myself of being a loner, and being confident being alone with myself, I now had another problem which only came up after I moved from the small town to a city, or to add the new perspective, the city had a problem with my behavior and my loner confidence, it was different and not really appealing to others.

In the city after thirteen years of growing up in a very quiet town with if memory serves me right, five other kids in the entire town that I could find in thirteen years’ time, all of different ages, I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people daily, the streets were packed with people, there were shops and malls and cars driving all the time, even at night one can hear the cars driving.

So I would start out in my new home with what I know best, to hit the streets with my bicycle and to explore the surrounding areas, I discovered that I was able to drive to shops and to malls, and just park my bicycle somewhere and go into the mall and walk around. This was exciting and new, I saw myself having twice as much as fun because of the amount of activities that are now available. But I did not consider a few points.

It seems that in the cities people roam around in groups, I would guess it is for protection, I would assume the protection is from other groups, I did not quite get it, because thus far all my life I have been roaming around all alone and never needed a group with me.

Sure the groups had fun together but that was a disguise – not by assumption from my side, but from experience, as I was driving my bicycle the first day around the new town/city, I was stopped twice by groups of kids. The first group was three boys, slightly older than me on their own bicycles, they stopped me through ramming one of their bicycles into my front wheel, then the one boy asked me what are you going to do about it, I said sorry, he laughed and the other two said you better be sorry, and they circled me a few times with their bicycles as to prevent me from having mobility. They left and I started paddling the opposite way as I was unsure what they will do next if they still see me within their range.

The second time was on my way back home, as I stopped at a shop to get something to drink I encountered two other guys, I wanted to get onto my bicycle, but I was called out by one of the guys, as I looked back he asked me if I have something for him, I said no I just have this, and I continued to get onto my bicycle. I started moving faster as they did not leave me alone and kept behind me, and then one said, we will be waiting here for you till next time.

I got home and my first impression was, I am in danger here – I felt insecure suddenly, NOT save, not secure.

The point I want to make here is, the insecurity did not come from the guys that I encountered, it was already within me, because I have never dealt with such points or trained on dealing within such point or made aware that such point exist, it was all new to me, it was quite intense in some moments.

So at home I realized that for myself to survive living in this town/city I have to make some adjustment to myself – BUT what??

I realized on day one, the way I dressed was not the same as how the city kids dress, I dressed completely different – I dressed in a way that I was comfortable within and not within how I look, because in my old town, no one gave a shit and everyone just relaxed and dressed what is comfortable – so I have to change my dress code to fit in and not look like a “loser”.

Also the way the kids were sounding in speaking and how they spoke was completely different, they had no respect or common decency for one another, swearing left and right and using a “bad word with every third word they use, Fuck this Fuck that motherfucker, cunt, bitch etc etc, with each other never mind with me a stranger.

So I had to now practice using swearing words and how to incorporate them into my vocabulary and grammar.

Then the third and not last point, I needed to get a group, I need friends in this town to drive around with, otherwise I am a target for nasty people to have fun with, which at that moment seemed like every young kid, asking myself, what is the parents like then, because from my upbringing I assumed that the kids are the reflection of the parents and how they train us, does not matter if the kids are with or without the parents, it’s who you are.

So here I started my Journey of creating and sustaining insecurities that till today govern my live in certain aspects as I require to be insecure to consistently remind me of what I must watch out for and fear so that I can counter act the insecurities with an appropriate behavior that will make me feel secure and “seem secure.

But through my process with Desteni I have come to look at insecurities in a different way, see I made it all about changing my outer and my actions, instead of look at what has the moment that presented themselves to me like with the two groups of boys/men, that I had to change within me, inside of me with integrity and to stand.

Because changing my actions first from a fear point as insecurities I will have consequences that is fear, not a correction of equality and oneness that is in synchronicity with me and what is here as best for all including myself obviously that what best for all mean but including all as me.

The consequences of this is me trapping myself into a mind fuck for eternity never finding myself but always pretending and being something that is expected and what is energy bases, which in the long run drains one and makes one feel and be exhausted as it’s a front being kept up, because self-inside has never changed, the insecurity is and has always been there, never really been dealt with but just hidden.

So I am looking at it now where as insecurity is an opportunity, if we take the word insecurity we can see the following – IN SEE CURE – to see inside self in the moment of feeling insecure is also the cure for the moment – insecure is simply a moment where a weakness inside self in exposed, the weakness can be that the insecurity is a delusion/illusion or it’s a mind fuck or it is because of a point self hasn’t faced or walked through, but it is to SEE inside oneself what it is, self-honesty is required with common sense in the moment, rational thought that is based on the mathematical equation of one plus one equals two and to see the moment, how could the moment have been different and who one must be as someone that is living what is best for all, to stop this world from living in an insecure state of each other and to live secure among each other through each human being a self-honest and self-responsible person for through own thoughts and feelings and emotions and to not play the nasty bullshit out on each other where we leach on insecure people by creating insecure humans.

This is not done – to be continued, On the story and the insights.

Day 472 - Anxiety before Interactions on topics

Why do I have anxiety just before I interact with another being, to be more specific, a stranger? And to be even more specific. When I am interacting with a stranger about a specific topic.

The answer is simple – now they self, and within this specific topic I can say that if one does not know oneself then there are some parts of self that one is leaving up to random events to direct, this direction will come from the input from others and what feelings/emotions/reaction the input is creating and then one will react on that – and this is the part of self that self-know about and that have an anxiety about it.

Why does this exist, yet again simple and direct, because if it is topic related and one is proclaiming a stance within the certain topic and one isn’t fully informed on the topic one is proclaiming a certain stance within, then one will always be anxious talking to others about it because it’s a defense mode, where one is already in the expectation of having to face self within a certain question that might come up and then not standing within and as the stance one is proclaiming within the certain topic.

If that isn’t simple and direct enough – here is another explanation – if you are a Christian or a Car sales man or a waiter or if you are whatever you claim and you are standing as such a point, But you have not investigated and researched and explored and red everything and anything you can about it and all that consists of it in self-honesty and common sense, then you will always be anxious before talking to a stranger on the topic at hand as you know you are standing as something but are not living it in fact as the facts.

This counts for anything in life – preaching and speaking does not mean anything, as long as there are anxiety it is revealing a pattern of self, the pattern is created specifically to avoid the areas in one’s life that one has not perfected yet, the anxiety is a mechanism that self has put into place to generate fear as to jump-start the pattern that has worked successfully as a COPING mechanism, if one is in fact living the certain topic at hand, no coping mechanism is required as it is who you are as a living example, in the facts.

So what have I come to do for myself – with everything I am currently participating within my life, where ever I see I am within anxiety – I stop myself and I realize I am not going into a pattern, I take a breather to look at the pattern and what it is – I find the point for why I created the specific pattern in the moment, I forgive myself and I correct myself, I do this till I see there is no more anxiety.

There are layers of this and one has to be patient and slowing down is a key.

So now I can take this a more recent event – I am a friend to many families, helping them within their lives with and giving families the opportunity of a life time, so I am in a family’s home, there is NO anxiety because I am one hundred percent certain of what I do as I have been doing it for a long time, not helping families, but what I am presenting to them I have used and done myself WAY before I ever entered a home, so I know I have lived it and I have seen the result and I am still living it, so I am not preaching, I am sharing I am giving them facts and result and I am enjoying it, but as I go on within helping the families, I will face one moment of anxiety, the anxiety might come just before finances are discussed.

This is already giving me an indication that I am falling into a pattern, the pattern is revealed through the anxiety being like a red light going off, showing a weakness within me.

My weakness is that ALL my life I have helped people in my life for free – with extreme points in other peoples live, never expecting anything, so I am not obviously a grown man with my own family, and now Like the system demands I have to have money, I took my passion for helping people into making it my LIFE, but now I have to ask for money in return because I need bread on the table and to take care of my family.

But my weakness if Feeling bad when I ask for money for my service and product, because in my heart I feel it must be for free, yet nothing in this world is for free, otherwise I would be a beggar with my family on the street helping no one.

Now I feel insecure about working with finances with a family within helping the family, and thus when It comes to the point of money I am anxious, as I know I am going to present the finance part as being a “dislike” and thus they will also dislike it and end up saying they LOVE it but will not take it.
Thus here I got anxious and communicated in anxiety to the people, and thus I fell into the same pattern and made the same mistake, because I am not yet LIVING the money part as me as being comfortable within me

Thus it’s a weakness of mine that I need to work on and make it strength for example. So how do I do this, as you can see the help I am presenting to the family I am way confident and comfortable with because I have in fact lived it and done it myself, before ever presenting it to anyone else, But the one part I have never done before is still the anxiety part, a weakness, I have not yet lived it and expressed it as me as fact as the other part.

And how do I get to doing it, through ding it, and making mistakes as soon as possible so that I can find my point of expression and live it, fearing making the mistakes to learn is a waste of time, because the mistake will bring forth what one needs to learn and learn it and then LIVE it. Become one with it. But the anxiety will make one run and hide from making such simple decisions of doing/living and learning and correcting and thus perfecting.

Day 471 – forgetting to live and to express myself.

Without noticing, I have forgotten to express myself, to live myself, to be myself, to be here.

When we do something every day that is the same, we start to become the same every day, we tend to mold ourselves into a character that we believe can handle this daily routine, a character that is set in a certain mind set, a certain thought pattern.

This thought patterns that we construct will eighty percent of the time lean towards a negative one, because we live in a world that is negatively charged by fear and thus everything we do is out of fear, the very job we have and that make ourselves believe is something we are doing because we love doing it, is a lie, because we are doing it out of fear for survival, for our daily bread that isn’t naturally provided to us.

So this is also the danger, I have been doing the same thing over and over every day, which isn’t a bad thing, that is simply an opinion of judgment, it is who I am within it, have I become a certain personality within what I do or am I deciding who I am within each moment within each breathe.

See the difference, if I am accepting and allowing myself to “become” a certain personality within what I do through accepting and allowing the daily influences to mold me, then I will become a negative personality, it is as simple as that, and thus I will have a negative mind set which will lead towards a negative outcome. What we resonate is what we create, even if we pretend to be positive, it is the resonance, that which Is unseen that will shape the outcome of anything.

Then there is the other way, where I wake up every morning and I decide who I am, am I the authority of who I am today, am I taking on my life situation full force with all that I am here in each and every breathe, am I the one making directive decisions and living them fully, am I the one that is living my utmost potential in each moment.

So there is the difference, and what I have been living isn’t the second option to a certain degree, I have accepted and allowed everything negative in my reality to influence me, my goals and my starting point, I have accepted and allowed myself to become negative within my stance and to resonate that “downiness” of not achieving, so on a daily scale I have been living in a down mood, a mood that brings everything down with me, no beaming LIFE coming from me, just me doing what I do every day with the already anticipated downiness within me, of no results, not achieving, just the same as before. And surprisingly that what I create and that’s what happens then.

So I see myself living my utmost potential, yet I fail living it because the utmost potential I am seeing in my head is just that, it isn’t a reflection of real time, living in the rawness of reality, one and equal within how the physical actually works and what I need to do and how I need to move in fact, an that’s half the point, I can’t live my utmost potential if I am only focused on the mind and holding myself in the past results, I must burst out of this confinement of the past and I must move with full confidence and full self-assurance and really mean it, I must move with pride and I self-trust and I must really live the day as if I am going to die today, there must be no excuse, there must be no reason for me to ever say I did not do my best in every single big or small moment to make things work that is best for all life.

I must break the physical spell I have placed over my own physical body – the spell if called thinking and the curse is the thoughts, these habitual thoughts and secret mind thinking is the killer of all time, killing time with doing nothing, yet doing so much, it is like planting trees but not watering them, not nursing them, but expecting fruit. The details of expression are important.

I accept and allow myself to express myself, to live and to be here, I allow myself to be big as live, I give myself this as a guide in each moment within each breathe. I am life and I am allowed to live.

Day 470 – Meeting new people Part 1

I have met dozens of families in the past few months, within this time and within meeting all these new and different people, I have noticed a very interesting point within myself.

When I meet new people they are literally new to me, they have never seen me or hear of me or have any idea about who I am. Yet when I meet these new people I am presenting my “old” self to them.

The interesting point is that within me meeting so many people that does not know me yet, I have the opportunity in each and every meeting to change myself, to be my better self, to be who I can be.

They do not have a preconceived judgment or idea about me, unlike everyone that already knows me and see me through a preconceived idea/belief/judgment – which is created through me and how I present myself and my presence and how I carry that with me in each and every moment – which is my own acceptance and allowance.

So why with so many opportunities with so many new people do I accept and allow myself to present and stand within and as myself as who I am as the lesser me, as my own judgments and ideas and beliefs, when I in fact have NOTHING within these new opportunities that tell me I must keep these judgments and beliefs and ideas about myself, the people I am meeting have no way of knowing how I have judged myself yet or not and keeping me to it.

Interesting that I mention “others keeping me to it” – I have this “feeling” that when I am around people that do know me that I have to be a certain me, that I must live within a certain presence around these people that they accept and allow, the person that they know, no matter how self-sabotaging it is or if it is a lesser me so to say, I always do it for the sake of being accepted and allowed to LIVE lol, yet it is clearly me acceptance and allowance as I am deliberately doing it knowing the game or the face I have on or am playing.

So now I take this with me when I meet new people, instead of using it as an opportunity to be myself.

Day 469 – Part 3 What have I been doing, Instead of living my true potential?

From my previous Blog - Day 467 – What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

“Every day when I wake up I have this small reaction, it is sitting in my solar plexus, it is undefined. I just excuse it and ignore it, hoping that later in the day I will not have this small reaction within me, hoping that there will be a good experience soon that will change this reaction and make it a different kind of a reaction, a more positive one. So I wake up and I get ready for the day, I immediately go out and I have some coffee and get to my work station.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up and have this small reaction within me to consider it as okay and nothing to focus on for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush off the small reaction I have within me every morning that I wake up and to justify it as normal through accepting and allowing it and to walk my day in the anticipation for it to go away by itself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t given myself the ten minutes or so in the morning to actually breathe and to release the energy through real time self-forgiveness and livening it to take self-responsibility for the energy and to accept that I am experiencing it and that I have to deal with it and to see what it is that the energy is revealing about myself and my own creation within me and thus without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear naming the energy, calling the energy out and the game that is being played and to within this play the game of ignorance and bliss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot call out the energy and define it and to deal with it accordingly, and to instead keep it within me for some other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that through not naming the energy and defining it I am deliberately leaving myself in an unpredicted state within direction, as I will keep falling back to the energy lurking within me, the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of dealing with the negative (defined) energy within me to instead go out seeking for the positive/opposite energy within my day, seeing and realizing that within this I am literally directing my entire day to seek out a positive energy in everything I do, and thus also limiting what I do in fear of not getting the positive energy that I am seeking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if I do not take self-responsibility for this negative experience within me, this reaction that the consequences will be that my entire dya will now be focused on feeling better as an energetic experience and thus not on what I must do as in what is practical and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set the sequence for my day as that of being negative within accepting and allowing myself to ignore and brush off the reaction experience that I have within me after waking up, as the day will now be about me only doing things where I believe I will get a positive reaction from to make me feel positive, and thus also ignoring and brushing off all the other points that requires to be done within the day that I then FEAR will be a negative experience and thus postpone and compromise/sabotage myself and everyone that is linked to me, which in the long run is the entire universe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see it as possible to have a different morning without the reaction within me that I have had with me for the longest time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the morning that there will be no reaction within me when I wake, as the fear is that of what will direct me, give me a purpose of what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the direction and the authority for my day and who I am in the morning as myself to walk as my day in the belief that I need energy to direct me.

I see and realize that I do not need energy to divert me or to determine what I can or cannot do, or should and should not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear real freedom, freedom from any reactions or emotions/feelings/thoughts directing me, as I can see that this freedom comes with self-responsibility and self-honesty.

THUS I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert myself from self-responsibility and self-honesty within the free will that I have to choose as choice and to choose, make a choice where I gamble instead of direct.

To be continued.

Day 468 – Part 2 What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

Continuing from previous Blog - Day 467 - What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

"From previous Blog: Yet with every breathe I take there is a reaction, the reaction sets off motion’s within me, these motions become emotions, motions of energy, the moment of content is lost and the breathing is shallow and has no flow. The essence of the present as self as the here is now everywhere undirected, following an irrational influence of some energy brought up by a single thought, a single memory bred from the past and brought into the present only to contaminate the moment, the simplicity of living has now been made complicated."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow the slightest reaction/s within me as normal and that I just have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the reaction/s that come up within me and to within this fighting have an outcome of win or lose, where I end up losing as the fighting only creates more energy and thus more reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see any reaction that comes up within me as separate from me, and thus give away my authority to direct and to within this accept and allow the reaction within me to contaminate my direction.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be at peace with the reaction and to within this work with the reaction as myself to deal with the reaction when the reaction is here/presented in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the reaction that is within me, and to within this have a reaction upon a reaction that simply does not stop.

I forgive myself for that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have been approaching facing my reaction from the starting point of trying, seeing and realizing that trying is a construct of “I don’t really want to” – and thus within this not actually doing anything but just pretending to look like I am doing something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my self-honesty from myself and to within this react towards everything I have to do and face in reality, even though the reaction isn’t visible it is slight, like a candle burning in the far distance, as the reaction is showing my self-dishonesty – where I am hiding what I know about myself and to live the opposite of the self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my self-honesty in each and every moment, and to fear my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self-honesty and to question my self-honesty from the starting point of morality and to within this walk honesty instead within morality and to within this create friction within myself and my reality and thus a consistent reaction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live anything less than my self- honesty in each and every moment, and to within this accepting and allowing the lesser me of my true potential to move and direct my reality and to within this know I am living in self-dishonesty and so create a consistent reaction within me of what I am doing or not doing and what I am supposed to do or not do and yet not trusting my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my self-honesty and to live my self-honesty and to apply myself within self-honesty as I know I should yet I do the morality magic trick in the believe that it is the right way of deceiving others through morality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself, to fear who I know I can be in my full/true potential and to hold back because of the morality that I have within me and through what I am judging reality and living within this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within believing that morality exist and for me to follow morality within this world through living honestly in others eyes is but me deceiving myself, never being self-honest with myself and what is here and to instead attempt/TRY to find a way around reality through making all my actions that of trying instead of doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone living my full and utmost potential in every breath within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do without self-honesty and to hide my self-honesty and to not work with my self-honesty and to instead take the path of trying/attempting to live within the limitations of my own mind set out by my own morality within my own mind. Instead of sticking to reality and what is here taking all into consideration and not just myself.

To be really honest with myself, I can see that when I am honest with myself in each moment that I have a reaction or where I am facing a fear or where I am anxious or where I am finding a limitation within myself or reality, that the real truth that I am hiding from myself through the TRYING character is that in reality I personally do not have a fear or anxiety or stress or a limitation for what is ahead of me, it is what OTHERS will perceive of me that I believe will care so I MAKE myself have this anxiety/reaction/stress within me through the trying character – because if you look at it, the trying character is designed to create energy/friction and thus to have emotional problems, where the doing living being has none of that, and that is the self-honest being, the being that is here – and that is what I self honestly will do/see in those moments – DOING it, breathing and directing reality.

So now I must come back to reality, I have now in self-dishonesty created this character of trying and I have designed many systems around it and I have lived this trying character into all my behaviors and patterns for the sake of others seeing me living, which ends up back to self with the point of self-interest, it is self-interest that cares what others think about self, for the sake of self-survival and comforts and not having to face reality, the reality of things, not the opposite, just reality.

So the trying character is a character whose role is that of self-enslavement,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way in self-interest that I am attempting to serve all other humans interest of what I believe is expected from me to be a good and obedient citizen that remains enslaved and controlled by the mind just like everyone else, and to within this never step out of character, and just like placing a shock collar around a dogs neck for whenever the dog is DOING something he isn’t supposed to do according to the moralities/believes that humans has placed – I have placed a trying character within me to create a consistent reaction within me to SHOCK me whenever I am DOING something that according to MY own morality/beliefs from society is seen as not right to stop me from DOING and to scare me back into just trying and attempting – terrorizing myself with my own mind to stay in my place.
Starting specifics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone with a lot of confidence is seen as arrogant and having a big ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people with a lot of confidence as being arrogant and having a big ego, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people with high confidence as being arrogant and having a big ego and to within this create a point of morality within me of what is accepted and allowed from me within society placed by my own judgment.

To be continued.

Day 467 – What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

I realized more self investigation is required, more self honesty within this point of doing and stop trying, this is my self honest self investigation.

Take note – this blog is written out as a point of exposing the mind, the thinking and the thoughts/back-chat, it is not written with corrections yet, so the information within here is revealing the deception and the self-interest of the mind and exposing the games that is played and how it’s played. The corrections will come in the self-forgiveness to come on each point mentioned in this blog after paragraph two.

Being okay with myself, here breathing the air around me, taking it into my lungs and to then release the air. It is so simple, it is a few actions in the physical that I require to do in awareness in the present in the here. To then move myself from the HERE as breathe while directing myself within my reality one step at a time. It is so simple, the essence of these few actions are that of content.

Yet with every breathe I take there is a reaction, the reaction sets off motion’s within me, these motions become emotions, motions of energy, the moment of content is lost and the breathing is shallow and has no flow. The essence of the present as self as the here is now everywhere undirected, following an irrational influence of some energy brought up by a single thought, a single memory bred from the past and brought into the present only to contaminate the moment, the simplicity of living has now been made complicated.

Every day when I wake up I have this small reaction, it is sitting in my solar plexus, it is undefined. I just excuse it and ignore it, hoping that later in the day I will not have this small reaction within me, hoping that there will be a good experience soon that will change this reaction and make it a different kind of a reaction, a more positive one. So I wake up and I get ready for the day, I immediately go out and I have some coffee and get to my work station.

I ignore the fact of eating because I am within this reaction, this negative reaction, so my body and mind is completely focused on this small reaction that is undefined within me, and I ignore the physical and what is required for my body to function properly and to be taken care of, so I first attempt to do all the right thing according to my mind as soon as possible in the morning, the right thing is to NOT think about myself, but to care only what others think about me, so I must be at work right on time, I must be seen working and I must seem busy with work, and not with personal things like eating and doing stretches and showering, all those things I can do later after I have set my position in the good light with all the people around me.

Yet even when I do this the reaction is still here within me, it is ready to just become something bigger, so all my attempts in the morning to be the GOOD person and do the right things was for naught, but at least I now know that the bad feeling I had hasn’t become worse, so I must have prevented something, so I must keep doing it this way. Now what can the next few thing be that I must do to prevent this bad feeling from possibly becoming something worse – in terms of how I experience myself because that will determine what I think about myself, and what I think about myself will determine what I can do, and will be willing to do.

So now it has been a couple of hours’ later already, I still haven’t eaten and I have had at least five cups of coffee already, and I have been doing all my work, I have checked my emails, I have checked my schedules and I have started calling people and setting up more work for myself, so now that I have done all that, I know I am in the good light and I have done everything I can to not get reactions from anyone else, which can make the bad feeling already within me even worse and make me feel bad and make me feel like shit and that will effect what I think about myself and thus what I do and how I move myself.

So now that it is almost afternoon I can eat something, maybe a small bowl of cereal, but I don’t really feel hungry because this bad feeling is still on my stomach, but I do need to eat as my body is starving, but I don’t feel like eating as my stomach is still full of emotion/reaction.

I eventually eat and move on, but now I feel like there is something I should be doing more – this bad feeling in my stomach is still here, this bad feeling feels like it is warning me the whole day for something very bad that might happen as if today might be the day I face the truth about myself, as if there is something that I do not know about myself and that if I make someone else react towards me or voice themselves towards me that they might just see something about me, or I might just reveal something about myself that I have never known about, so I better do everything possible to prevent others from going there with me, which works against me because this isn’t me doing everything possible to actually live my day to the fullest to reach my true potential and to live each day as if it’s my last, but only to live each day to the fullest to prevent some mysterious fear come to live, so all my actions isn’t to actually accomplish anything but only to prevent ME from feeling bad/worse about myself.

Day 466 - DO IT, trying sounds like lying.

Continuing from - I am trying so hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist just doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy about doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself incapable of just doing it, to get up and to do it full hardheartedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being capable of just doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the judgment of myself as not being capable of doing it within me as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the judgment of myself not being capable of doing it as I am comfortable within not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself not doing anything as I have this believe that if I do not do anything then I simply do not have to face myself, not seeing and realizing that the judgment I create/have of myself is me beating myself down anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be comfortable with myself not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an already awaiting expectation of myself and the physical for what is to come for me if I do do it, and to within this fear who I will be within that new reality, and only seeing the negative always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I start doing all the things that I know I must do in every single moment and to never stop but to just move within breathe and to not be determined my energy as the moods and thoughts that I will never sit still and live my life and always just be busy with all the thing that NEEDS to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me DOING what needs to be done in each and every moment and to not postpone as me not living, not seeing and realizing that it is actually the opposite and that if I do everything that is HERE in the moment that needs to be done that I am actually then in fact living, directing reality and creating, instead of waiting and being lazy and wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do it, just because I have an idea in my head that if I do that then I will not be able to do other things, not even knowing what the other things are, yet just making it up in my head as a mysterious reason for not doing this or that, yet seeing that I do this for this image in my head of seeing myself just doing nothing and just living in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live every day for the achievement of having to do nothing. And thus doing as little as possible just to have that time to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my live to be a big nothing through working hard every day with the intention in mind soul and resonance of in the end of the day to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to work hard and to do all the effort I can do with the actions of wanting to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself and my limits everyday within the intention of having to do nothing in the end of the day, basically to become zombie.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize this point of desiring to do nothing existing within me at all times and to within this making work and any action I have to do tiring and heavy, and thus no matter how hard I work or push myself everyday ends up with a collapse of doing nothing and being tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with intent, seeing and realizing that intent does not mean shit if the actions isn’t aligned, and also seeing and realizing I cannot rely on intent as it changes all the time, and thus I must rely on my breathing and DO it in the moment and not to postpone for one second, working with what is here and not with what is within me as that is limited and deceptive and cannot be trusted at all.

Day 465 - I am Trying so hard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Try and do something instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the living expression of DO IT, and to within this hide within the trying point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within the reasoning point of “I am trying”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the Do it point a point of over assessing the point at hand and to within this move into the trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be that trying guy, the guy that always tries but never succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the fool in being the doing guy and to within this move into the trying mode where I can still have the reason/justification of “but I am just trying” or I just tried and to have an scape goat for why I am not doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as I am DOING, DO it, that I will be seen as a fool for just doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contaminate the word fool with a negative experience of how other have defined it, instead of investigating for myself the word fool and to see what has the system defined as fool and why the system would define fool the way it is currently, what is the key within the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within being the fool, the DOER, as the fool trust unconditionally and as the fool takes that step no one else would take, as the fool isn’t afraid and lives in the moment here as the expression of here, as the fool does not care what others think about him but is set on his path and determined within it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace the fool as myself within the principles of what is best for all life and to life this foolishly to the utmost in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by energy reactions towards my own actions and what they might be/expose about myself and within this live in a controlled limited way defined within a systematic definition of morality within my mind and to behave in a way that isn’t foolishly to others/the system and to fall in line with the system, and thus becoming a trying guy, accepting and allowing myself to remain within always trying and never succeeding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control systems that I have placed within myself in relation to me expressing myself within DOING, DO IT without thinking but simply acting in the moment within common sense and what is here – letting go of the mind and the thinking and the fighting with myself and my mind and the experiences that is within me as the fears/anxieties/stress and the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the morality of the system within my own mind as the systems I use within GOOD and BAD to determine what I can and cannot do and to within this always walk within those two lines and to then not move beyond the BAD defined in my head and to now only remain in trying to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thoughts that is within my head an to believe that instead that I have been taught about right and wrong and to keep them alive within myself through thinking about them the whole time and to validate them with system reasoning implanted by the system to keep itself save = the mind, to never push beyond and to push into the physical living of what is here but to keep a evil cycle alive of self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I do not live HERE in and as the physical with the physical in full awareness of who I am as the physical as a living expression then I am living within the mind a divide and conquer battle with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRY SO HARD to be the fucking right guy for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRY SO HARD to be the GOOD guy for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRY SO HARD to be the perfect guy for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have this idea in everyone’s heads about me that I am the right guy and thus I go into this consistent TRYING and TRYING an d adjusting myself to every person I meet to be the right guy, and then I end up in this trying cycle or what is right and what is wrong and I just cannot seem to find myself within it all and not be here stable breathing as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ACCEPT me and to be me here as the physical as NO fear as no anxiety as me directing reality in each breathe and to have no limits but those set by reality as the physical as the principal I walk as what’s best for all and what isn’t.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be the Be the best guy for myself, and to stop trying to be someone else in every moment of everyday as the right guy for everything and everyone and to lose myself within this energy experience of myself.

I have noticed there is an awesome reference point that exist within me, it is this spike of an energy reaction within my solar plexus, every time it occurs I am moving within energy and thus the pattern and thus just moving the same as always, so I must breath and forgive myself for this creation point and face the reality of breathing and what is here.

To be continued.

Day 463 – My personal Survival mode

continuing from Day 462 survival mode and money

When I am living each day from the morning to the night, I am living to survive. It is how the system is designed. We all need to survive, so I am doing what needs to be done practically each day to make sure I am making money. Money is with what we trade and how much money I have depends on what I can have. Money decides everything in the material world currently.

The matter of facts is that we live in a material world. Without the materials we can’t do or make anything that is of basic needs, the earth is one big ball of materials and it can be made, shapes and molded to all kinds of different forms, some materials we don’t need to change but simply collect.

I as an individual requires some of these materials like all other people, animals or plants, and for me to have it I need money.

So currently survival isn’t optional, I have to survive. BUT who I am within surviving is the one thing that I can change.

Because I can look at survival as a practical application within the system that is here, it is a simple equation that I can apply on a daily basis, there does not have to be any experience attached to me surviving, or any thoughts or emotions or any feelings towards it.

But instead there can be me deciding who I am going to be within applying myself on a daily basis to ensure my survival and to within this not make/create survival as a mind possession of self-interest, but a simple practical equation.

Who have I been within this survival mode within this system designed to force modern man into living in a modern time with a cave man mentality.

I have been fearful, I have been tired, I have been paranoid, I have been anxious, I have been feeling like there is no way out, I have been feeling that there will never be an end, I have been feeling that I am stuck in one cycle over and over, I have been feeling that this is how my life will be forever no matter how much I push and try and change my circumstances, I have been feeling that the system just isn’t big enough for me to push and go beyond where I am within the system currently, I have been feeling that the system is falling and thus there is no point in me pushing the system, I have been feeling that by the time I succeed the system will collapse and all my effort is for nothing, I have been feeling like there is no place for me in the higher places in the system and that it is full, I have been feeling that money is limited and thus no way for me to make money, I have been feeling fragile in the system fighting every day to make that money, I have been negative towards myself within the money system, I have been anxious towards myself working in the money system, I have been giving up on myself ever reaching that goal that I have set and that I have been applying the equal pressure to reach it, yet it just never comes, I have been not believing in myself, I have been not believing in the system, I have been doubting money itself, I have been feeling stagnant within myself and within the system in terms of money movement as if I just cannot move money, I have been hating money, I have been hating people with money, I have been placing myself outside the rich people scope, I have been seeing myself less than successful people, I have Not been moving as breath as I fear time isn’t enough, I have been fearing running out of time as it feels like money is running out of my country, I have been feeling that I must have one point of success at least by now with all that I have done, I have been feeling that the whole system is against me and me making some of the money within it, I have been feeling that maybe there is someone deliberately pushing me out of the system and reaching the money that is here,

And that someone lives in my head, ME

To be continued.