Day 170 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 2 Self forgiveness.

Read Day 169 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 1 to get the whole picture and to see where the Sf comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we reach the fence line where the dog is at to have the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” and to then go into the back chat of “the god damn dog barks every day”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the thought come up within me of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to go into the back chat of ““the god damn dog barks every day” to divert the attention of the fear existing within and as me of the thought towards the dog being the fault/cause for my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we get to the fence line where the dog barks to go into thoughts about the dog and what the dog will do and what can happen and to then react and create fear within and as me and to then participate within back chat as a response to the though that keeps generating fear/anxiety/stress within me of what Might happen – Instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger ” to come up within me and to NOT stop it that I am giving fear and reactions permission to direct me as the thought contains the past experience as the memory stored within me that I now relive/re-create in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what will happen when we walk the horses at the fence line of the neighbors farm where the dog barks and storms up to the horses, seeing and realizing that anticipation is when and as I have given a thought and back chat permission to Possess me as energy, and thus I become jumpy and reactive within myself and towards my horse which gives my horse the signal that something is wrong when there isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that anticipation is a state of where I am constantly projecting a thought that generates fear/stress/Anxiety of what might happen or not and thus I am already experiencing the even within myself of what might happen as the fear becoming true, seeing and realizing it is to stop such a thought through realizing that it is NOT real and to breathe and be here as breathe and to deal with what ever happens in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must have a thought of what Might happen when and as we walk at the fence line where the dog barks to Prepare myself and to prevent what might happen, seeing and realizing that to prevent anything from happening I must first stop my own inner delusions based on fear and then to focus on the physical and practically deal with the point instead as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the thought I have of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” is me accessing fight or flight mode and that this Possession I take on will be seen by my horse and thus he will also go into fight or flight mode and become a even greater danger that what it might be if something were to happen, as fight or flight mode is purely self interest and survival and not in consideration of what is here and how to deal with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When and as the Horses freaked out the first time we crossed the neighbors fence line where the dog strikes to have judged the scenario as Bad and as negative and to within this have created a desire of what I prefer to experience as Calm and no problem and no hassles – and thus not seeing and realizing that as I have created a Positive Idea of what I want to experience instead I have created Fear towards experiencing the negative and that this now creates friction within me of what is happening in reality towards what I desire in my mind, and so stress myself out in fear of facing reality, instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desired play-out within my mind of what I want to experience when walking by the neighbors fence where the dog barks that is literally in conflict with what in fact happens, and thus creating thoughts/anticipation/fear of the negative as the not desired experience and only making it worse when and as it happens where I react and get angry and just want to Control everything in fear of not having my desired experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Just before we go to horses in the morning, to already have the thought of “ Seeing the dog barking at the horses and anything can happen” and to have the back chat of : Ah Oh man The dog again” and to within this create the rest of my morning where we walk the horses in a negative energy as anxiety/fear/stress towards that moment I have already projected in my mind happening and to Physically posture and act in ways towards my horse and others in a polarity mood as being positive and stable and ready for anything as a way of attempting Manipulating myself and to suppress the stress/fear/anxiety I have for that moment to come – instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I have that first thought in the morning, to forgive myself and to STOP the thought that will stop all of the other out flows as thoughts/backchat/fear/anticipation and to BREATH and be here and work with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear what Horses can do to me when and as they get a fright.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the dog for barking every-time when we walk by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am only angry at the dog for barking because of how I am reacting and experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am angry at myself for feeling powerless to stop the dog from barking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger toward the dog as Blaming the dog for how I experience myself in that moment as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time the dog barks have the back chat of “ I knew the dog was going to bark today” as a way of Justifying why I did not stop that first thought in the morning and why I had all the fear/stress and as a way to confirm my anticipation, seeing and realizing how this keeps the cycle going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my horse when and as he reacts and where he tries to run off or run over me due to the back chat I have about my horse while I walk him as him being stupid and silly and ridiculous for reacting and being afraid of the dog, not seeing and realizing that I am actually saying that to myself as I am the one being ridiculous/stupid/silly for reacting and being afraid of the dog and to then as my horse freak out to Take it ALL out on him as a way to not to have to look at myself and who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Place my Fear as my horse, so that when and as something happens as we pass the neighbors farm and the dog barks to be able to Blame the horse for How I reacted.

To be continued.

Day 169 – Anticipation walking my Horse Part 1

For the last couple of months we here at the farm have been taking our horses to one of our neighbors farms where there is lots of green grass that they can eat, while our fields have a rest and can get some growth going.

Going to our neighbor’s farm requires us to take our horses out of our farm and into a “wild” zone, which is a space where there is open road. It is fine taking the horses in the wild zone as they are quite cool walking with us and there is a agreement between us all.

When we approach the Neighbors farm there is just this one little point that I face every day, this is when we get to the fence where we have to walk our horses as it is the only option, there is a dog, now she barks every single day.

This dog does not simply Bark and bark and bark, OH NO!! She is REALLY specific; I haven’t seen a dog that specific. In the beginning she only barked, the horse had Frights and was alarmed and jumpy and we calmed them down, over a couple of days the dog realized she cannot frighten the horses or us anymore through regular barking.

So she became clever, really clever – it is like a fucking scary Movie sometimes – the dog has learned how to SCARE the horses and the Humans using her environment.

On the fence where we have to walk with the horses there are bushes growing over and in-between the fence, to create a bush wall so you cannot see the house so to say, and along size this fence on the other side there is a lot of dead leaves from these trees/bushes – Now the dog has learned that she must not be visible once we come to the neighbors farm and once the first horse or the second horse has entered the fence line with the bushes trees in/over it she starts Running!!! Really fast and very quiet, sometimes you can hear a panting, but hardly, and then you suddenly hear these dead leaves cracking and moving and this very aggressive growl Barking straight at the horse next to the fence, sometimes even hitting the fence.

If you know horses – they are Big and they scare easily for anything “new” and they go into fight or flight mode quite quick – it is their natural behavior so to say, if they had to live in nature and a lion was stalking them and attacked, they require force and speed to get away quickly and/or a way to quickly attack.

So the first time this dog did this, the sneaky way! My Horse and a couple of other horses got big frights. Titan my horse the first time, Bolted forward and as I tightened my grip on the lead he turned around and then reared halfway up, then he was in Fight or Flight MODE – this is where they are Blind and deaf to your words and only concerned about themselves, it is dangerous, they breath really deeply and suddenly stand as tall as they can, it looks as if Horse can double their size suddenly in the fight or flight mode.

I had a Rush of adrenaline/energy/anxiety/fear/excitement/stress/concern fuck whatever you name it within me in that moment and afterwards only fear of what can happen, I breathed and calmed myself down first, it was almost instantly and then I got Titan next to me and it was fine. I was still a bit shaky from the energetic experience; I knew I was going to have to look at this point within myself.
So for the next couple of Weeks probably most of the time we go there, this Dog does this every time, she makes it seem like she isn’t there and that it will not happen today and that everything will be fine BAM!! She hits us.

I have created a lot of anticipation within myself since the first day it happened in fear of what Might happen, Titan gets away on the open road with a lead on and break his neck, or he just runs away and gets hit by a truck, who knows, Or he runs me over and break my back or my leg or he rears up and cracks open my skull. There are so many possibilities.

The Dog has had months now to get used to us, and She has – and that is why she is still coming after us, we still react and have energy and backchat and all this inner bullshit within us while we walk there and because of that she/the dog is getting a kick out of it to see us react. Because we are creating it lol.
How do I know this – after a couple of months there I have worked and breathed and Self forgive myself while walking on the points and I have actually stopped the anticipation many times, there is a very fine line between having the anticipation and not, it takes one thought.

Now your horse can SEE that one thought/energy reacting in/on your body and the horse which is following You will act as the leader act and React as well/Still after a couple of months – so everyone was supposed to already have gotten used to everyone but it seems we haven’t. so this is where I started questioning myself.

Here is how I got to this point – many times when I walked by the fence now I am completely breathing and calm and not even thinking or anything of the dog I am direct here walking with my horse – and when that dog comes, which you never expect – me and Titan/horse are not reacting at all and we just walk.

But this does not always happen even if I am calm, Titan has had many scares and me to, but I take one breath and direct and Titan follows immediately, it is like he forgets he had to survive and just breathe with me and walk on because I was assertive and trusted myself and did not follow ANY energy , and yes we are a group, and in the group there are many people and thus many horses, so when the person/horse in the back react or in the front or me it will have a chain reaction.

And today I saw something– I have been thinking that I was the one walking my horse and helping him work through his reaction of the dog and his fear and that I was being stable for him only.

I was wrong – because today the dog came at me and Titan and I did not even hear the panting or the leaves, the dog just barged right into the fence with this demon growling and then barking, and my horse was as solid as a brick, he did not move – I on the other hand was bending my head down with my right arm lifted up towards my horse and my arm was moved up and down in motions as to block my hose that wasn’t even blinking from running onto/over me LOL.

So I saw in that moment myself and how sad it was, I said thank you to Titan for being stable and showing me that I was in the mind participating in future fear/projection and creating energy/anticipation within me and that I was making the fear HIM. While I was the one with the fear acting out while I presented myself to him all the time as being more and being the “human” the stable one and being superior – I was just lying to myself and blamed Titan just not to look at who the fuck I am and that it is NEVER personal unless the Human makes it so. The horse won’t.

To be continued.

Day 168 – I need a Hero 2.

Read Day 167  – I need a Hero and the rest will make sense. 

So here I bring the point of wanting to be a hero back to self, because it is always self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the role of having to be a Hero for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see/feel that someone else needs saving to make it my Duty to be the one to save them and be the hero, when and as it is always only about self interest where I am making myself feel better about myself, where I am accepted and valued and special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be special through being other people/animals hero as a way of valuing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Value myself according to other peoples acceptance of me, and to thus create a point/character such as the Hero Character to gain the acceptance so that I can assure my self-value, not seeing and realizing that this way I am always dependent on others acceptance of me before I can value myself, and that whenever I am not accepted that I do not value myself and within this act out in disrespect and no honor of myself in many parts of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am the one that decides my own value always – as I am the one that must accept and allow it, and thus I see and realize that it is self-sabotaging and self compromising of me to reLIE on other peoples acceptance before I value myself, and thus I see and realize that when and as I stop all value systems that is dependent on energy input/output and what remains here as the physical as LIFE is the value of all life in fact, and thus I am the value of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I rely on the acceptance of others which I gain through being a hero, that I in fact rely on others to have a fucked up life so that I can be a hero and be accepted and value myself, and thus I am supporting abuse of all LIFE through my acceptance and allowances of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that a Hero needs/requires a Broken world to be a hero, and thus I see and realize that I have to stop the want/need/desire to be a hero to value myself through the acceptance of others as being their hero so that everyone can take self responsibility for their actions and life’s so that we can stop all the abuse that is here and kill all heroes and valiance as energetic characters feeding off each other just to have so self value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I rely on the acceptance of others of me which I gain through playing the hero role that it will always only a temporary before I go into the opposite of not valuing myself and that I require someone else life to be fucked up so that I may be a hero again just to get the energy boost to feel that I am accepted and thus value myself, seeing the abuse in this kind of questions superman.

I commit myself to when and as I see someone in need a a hero, to stop and breathe and to look within myself of what the starting point is, is it to make me feel better or to end the abuse and to change the world to a better place for all in all ways where the value of all is LIFE as it is, and to correct my starting point and then see what is here and direct myself accordingly.

Day 167 – I need a Hero.

When I was about sixteen years old I was walking in the house one day and I heard Music playing in the kitchen area, I walked into the room and I heard the song “I need a Hero” playing. I enjoyed the sound of the song, then I saw on the couch my mother was sitting there, I looked at her and she looked at me, I saw there was tears in her eyes, she was sobbing/crying – Immediately I had a bad reaction of – “there is something wrong with my mother”, and I asked my mother – what is wrong, she said nothing is wrong, it just reminds me of the old days – I immediately took the words from the song and placed it into context of what was here – my mom was older with a husband and three kids, and she probably did not want her life to be this way – so she looks back into the past and what she had and now in the present it feel like she needs Saving from her current life – obviously this was a bit personal for me – because here I am enjoying my life and being young and doing what I wanted while my mom gave all of that up so that I can be here – almost like I was forced into her life and not she is in a forced situation. Obviously all of this took place internally and from my own assumptions, but it left a emotional scar – I kind of made a deal with myself to one day “save: my mother form her life so she can live again.

So after a couple of years I moved away to the farm here, going on with my life – and one day I walked into the Lounge in the main house and there was loud music playing – the song that was playing was “I need a Hero” – the song hit me immediately and I started crying, I kept the crying to myself as I felt ashamed of it and suppressed it – At the moment I had no fucking clue why I was crying, it only hit me later on when I was breathing and clear and the memory came to me, I only now remember it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is my Job to save people from the lives they have/are creating for themselves – seeing and realizing that it is not to save someone from their life’s as it is their responsibility – I can only show them the way after I have walked it myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it my personal mission to save my mother from the life she is trapped in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my mother is trapped in the life she is living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I was only projecting at that moment my own fears/thoughts/emotions onto my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save my mother just to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I change my mother’s life that only then can my life change and through that create the Idea that I have to make it my Job to try and save her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I saw my mother in the kitchen area crying that the reaction/emotions/thoughts/back chat that I was experiencing was all about me as they all were existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I feel guilty for existing and being here as I have made myself feel like I am the reason and cause my mother had to stop living and start being a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I was conceived that I did not plan for it and that I wasn’t there making the decisions and thus I a simply here and responsible for myself and everything that is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself in that moment that Isaw my mother crying to the song “I need a Hero” for being the cause/reason that she needs a hero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I blamed/judged myself for in that moment was about things I have already judged and blamed myself for in the past and thus was already existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk this live with the constant feeling that I am a burden only and not worthy of being here as others had to Give up their life’s to raise me, not seeing and realizing that such blame/judgment is completely useless with me being here right now as it have no purpose or value or relevance to what is here and is only self sabotage and compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see my mother in an emotional state to immediately assume that I must be the cause for it and thus it is my responsibility to fix it, not seeing and realizing that I am within that as the sins of the fathers just doing the same, giving up my life in the attempt to save someone else’s life, instead of focusing on a solution that will save all life's at the same time and better all life’s and give “living Life” back to all equally as that will and can only be a real solution in fact as money is the point deciding everything currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to be emotionally Strong” and never show any feelings or emotions for the sake of my mother and to be the one that can save her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be a Hero in my mother’s eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that being a hero in my mother’s eyes will be all I need this life to feel validated and accepted and loved, not seeing and realizing that it will be a endless cycle of abuse unless the entire system that keeps it all together first change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design and create characters for myself specifically according to what I believed my mother needed to feel that she is being saved.
To be continued.

Day 166 – Can you do this for ME!! - The Dishes

I forgive myself that when and as a Person asks me to wash their dishes for them to react within the Idea/belief that they are only taking advantage of me and my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I react to when someone asks me to do THEIR dishes for them to react to the though of – seeing myself do dishes while the person who asked me sits somewhere else doing nothing” and to within this have the back chat of “why can you not do it yourself” and to then instead of breathing and realizing that I am reacting and thus it is a sign that I am existing as the mind as energy movement like a robot, instead of self movement and thus it is not about what the other person is asking me or what they are doing instead of!! It is about Who I am and what I accept and allow myself to be limited by and a slave to it and if I am going to accept and allow it or not – Thus I see and realize that as it is about WHO I AM and not the other person, that I must move myself, and as long as there is a energy movement within me to that moves me, to WILL myself to do the dishes for Myself to break the enslavement of energy movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else asks me to do dishes for them to Make it about them, not seeing and realizing that it is always about me and who I am that determines what I do, thus when and as I see that who I am is but a energy movement/reaction as the mind that only exist in self interest and limitation, to stop and breathe and to correct myself in and as breathe to do what is best for all life as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do the dishes to reflect my reaction onto another in the fear of doing something that I know is not within my pre-programming as a slave to the mind and that I will Change and that the change will be seen as weakness and that other will take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the real weakness is me reacting and not WILLING myself to do the dishes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that doing the dishes reveals a strength that is not of power or dominance or self interest – It is the strength of me Willing myself to do what is best for all life and set aside my self interest and ego and to be humble to another as I would in fact like them to be towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am asked to do the dishes for someone else to first want to know the reason WHY? And if the reason isnt valid in my opinion to act in spitefulness towards the other being as a way of gaining some weird sort of power/authority and diminishing the other person and to make them feel bad for asking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the evil within my actions towards my fellow beings through my words and deeds in self interest where I defend my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do dishes for someone else to be more concerned about what they are going to do instead of doing their own dishes and to feel that I ma being abused for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do dishes for someone else to first check in my secret mind what else I could do in that time instead and if it is worth it or not, and to accordingly have a reaction that will not reflect what I secretly want to do instead but twist the whole point instead, just s that I do not have to feel guilty for saying NO in a mean way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the Character that comes out to play when and as I am asked to do dishes for someone else - comes from a stage/memory from a long time ago where I was a kid that had to do the dishes while mom and dad was just sitting around or watching T.V and I was left with no reason/understanding but simply a Order/duty forced upon me and left alone to have thoughts/feeling/emotions un watched and running wild, and as I grew older the memory became a living expression of the hidden thoughts/feelings/emotions I pondered on as a kid, and now I an automated reactive robot simply responding to a experience, with no self will or movement, and thus I see and realize that it is but a character and not real, I do not have to play this character, I can let it go and create myself a new, as that which is best for all life where I am life a self moving being with the will of Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do the dishes for someone else – to react to my own back chat of “ but it is your dishes, you used it and did not wash it and now the burden is asked of me to do them, you are being selfish and lazy” – Not seeing and realize that my inner words are but revealing my own actions in the moment that I reflect upon another as to not to have to look as self and correct myself and take self responsibility for myself and stop all internal chattering and imagination and to focus on what is here as the physical as that which is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize than when I am asked to do someone else dishes and there is/are NO thoughts/feelings/emotions as reactions that doing dishes will simply be an act of doing it.

I commit myself to when and as I am asked of another to do their dishes, to take a deep breathe before I say anything, and to be self honest with myself and ask myself a honest question, am I reacting? and to be strict with myself and DO the dishes if there is any energy movement within me, till I am clear and not moved by any energy – where I then rebirth myself as a self willed self moving being that can only move myself as LIFE as that which is best for all LIFE in all ways and nothing else can move me – and the dishes will get done.

Day 165 – Justifying is Fighting for Limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am confronted by someone where my actions/words are questioned and points pointed out to Instead of Breathing and Correcting myself “feel” that I have to explain my actions/words in the fear that if I do not explain myself that I will be seen as less than the person confronting my words/actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as a Person points out something I have done or am doing in the moment to react and Try and explain myself To justify why I did not see/do the obvious thing – seeing and realizing that as soon as I want to justify myself that I am in fact dishonest because to attempt to justify implies that I knew what I was doing and what I was not doing Instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is a deliberate act as to why I did not correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is only MIND as I try and attempt to explain my back chat and thoughts and thinking processes – and that justification is a outflow of feeling guilty as I know that I could have instead of having backchat or thoughts have Changed and corrected myself Physically i the moment and thus I know I did not do this and thus the Justification process starts of fighting for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Justifying myself is only me Fighting for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my actions/words when someone points them out to me in the attempt to spite the other person just so that They may not win in showing me how it is possible for me to self perfecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I justify my actions and words is when I still believe that the mind has power of me as the knowledge and information I hold as all the excuses and reasons that the mind made up for why I did not change/correct myself in and as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else is showing me a Better way of doing something to Justify why I did not do it as such to sound smart and clever and that I was considering it BUT instead took it the other way just to not having to listen and learn and grow from the other person and to instead fight for my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is always justification and isnt a reason in fact. A real reason for why I did not correct myself in breathe in the moment would be when for instance a meteor falls out of the sky and kill me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify my own justifications as being special and full of reason and common sense, not seeing that it is me fighting for my own fears/limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Justification is but a fiction of my imagination and not reality in fact but a compilation of self made up ideas/belief/perspectives limited to my own knowledge and information that is rooted in fear and thus can never be trusted.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting to justify to Stop the words that want to fall onto my tongue and to take the Air of Life into my lungs and Bring myself here and to Correct myself as the flesh and bones that I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I want to defend my limitations/fears (EGO) through the reasons/excuses to stop and take a breathe and to instead correct myself and to realize that when someone is helping me and it makes sense within and as the physical that is here that it does not mean I have to speak, it means I can correct and breathe.

I commit myself to when and as I Feel the storms of fears arise within me of when someone else shows me what I have already known but did not act/correct, and the urges and temptations of my fears come to defend them, to stop and breath and to realize I am not the inner red flames of fear and to take a deep breathe to cool the flames and to realize myself here as the breath and to correct myself - instead of fighting a battle that is always only against myself where I defend my own limitations only and to learn from another in humbleness.

Day 164 – Let me Explain as Justifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I want to explain myself to attempt to manipulate myself and what I see I have to explain as a way of justifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am faced with having to explain myself in situations of confrontation to instead of Breathing and correcting myself to instead try and explain myself as a way to Justify myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use circumstances as a reason to justify my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Blame as a way to reason and Justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always Look at everything outside of myself as reasons and ways to justify my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am looking at everything out there for the cause/reason for my actions that I am not self honest and not looking at me as the one making the decisions in fact in the end always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I use and look at everything out there as reasons/excuses to Justify my actions that I am only justifying instead of correcting myself and perfecting myself as Life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Through justifying my decisions/actions teach myself that it is impossible to correct myself instantly as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Justifications as reasons and excuses to not correct myself instantly in breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my actions/decision as a way to not face Instant correction/change as breathe as a way to hold onto that which I know and feel save with, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact holding onto my own limitations and enslaving myself to the mind with all the reasoning and justifying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entangle myself in and as the mind through reason/excuses and justifying my actions and creating layers of knowledge and information within and as myself as I have to hold onto the justification to always be able to tell the same Lie?justification to anyone who asks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear instant correction in and as breathe as LIFE as that which is best for all life in the fear of losing my limitations I have known for years and have become a slave to, seeing and realizing that it is not best for all and not myself as I am part of ALL, and thus it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to justifying myself in explaining myself that I never considered correcting myself instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as and when I use reason and excuses to justify my actions/decisions hat I will always only live a life where I am in the boundaries of those reasons/excuses and thus will never be able to see what is here in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I justify my actions/decisions that I have in that moment of justifying created a Bubble that consist of all the reasons/excuses as the justifications and that I am now Bound to this bubble and having to live in this bubble and keeping it alive, because I know that when the bubble pops I will be revealed as one big LIE and so within this I will always do things and make decisions that Limit me from my Past decisions to sustain the bubble, even though I know I can change my decisions and actions I make but then that will show everyone that I was LYING to them within my reasoning and all the excuses I made out to be so REAL.

To be Continued