Day 167 – I need a Hero.

When I was about sixteen years old I was walking in the house one day and I heard Music playing in the kitchen area, I walked into the room and I heard the song “I need a Hero” playing. I enjoyed the sound of the song, then I saw on the couch my mother was sitting there, I looked at her and she looked at me, I saw there was tears in her eyes, she was sobbing/crying – Immediately I had a bad reaction of – “there is something wrong with my mother”, and I asked my mother – what is wrong, she said nothing is wrong, it just reminds me of the old days – I immediately took the words from the song and placed it into context of what was here – my mom was older with a husband and three kids, and she probably did not want her life to be this way – so she looks back into the past and what she had and now in the present it feel like she needs Saving from her current life – obviously this was a bit personal for me – because here I am enjoying my life and being young and doing what I wanted while my mom gave all of that up so that I can be here – almost like I was forced into her life and not she is in a forced situation. Obviously all of this took place internally and from my own assumptions, but it left a emotional scar – I kind of made a deal with myself to one day “save: my mother form her life so she can live again.

So after a couple of years I moved away to the farm here, going on with my life – and one day I walked into the Lounge in the main house and there was loud music playing – the song that was playing was “I need a Hero” – the song hit me immediately and I started crying, I kept the crying to myself as I felt ashamed of it and suppressed it – At the moment I had no fucking clue why I was crying, it only hit me later on when I was breathing and clear and the memory came to me, I only now remember it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is my Job to save people from the lives they have/are creating for themselves – seeing and realizing that it is not to save someone from their life’s as it is their responsibility – I can only show them the way after I have walked it myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it my personal mission to save my mother from the life she is trapped in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my mother is trapped in the life she is living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I was only projecting at that moment my own fears/thoughts/emotions onto my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save my mother just to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I change my mother’s life that only then can my life change and through that create the Idea that I have to make it my Job to try and save her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I saw my mother in the kitchen area crying that the reaction/emotions/thoughts/back chat that I was experiencing was all about me as they all were existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I feel guilty for existing and being here as I have made myself feel like I am the reason and cause my mother had to stop living and start being a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I was conceived that I did not plan for it and that I wasn’t there making the decisions and thus I a simply here and responsible for myself and everything that is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself in that moment that Isaw my mother crying to the song “I need a Hero” for being the cause/reason that she needs a hero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I blamed/judged myself for in that moment was about things I have already judged and blamed myself for in the past and thus was already existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk this live with the constant feeling that I am a burden only and not worthy of being here as others had to Give up their life’s to raise me, not seeing and realizing that such blame/judgment is completely useless with me being here right now as it have no purpose or value or relevance to what is here and is only self sabotage and compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see my mother in an emotional state to immediately assume that I must be the cause for it and thus it is my responsibility to fix it, not seeing and realizing that I am within that as the sins of the fathers just doing the same, giving up my life in the attempt to save someone else’s life, instead of focusing on a solution that will save all life's at the same time and better all life’s and give “living Life” back to all equally as that will and can only be a real solution in fact as money is the point deciding everything currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to be emotionally Strong” and never show any feelings or emotions for the sake of my mother and to be the one that can save her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be a Hero in my mother’s eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that being a hero in my mother’s eyes will be all I need this life to feel validated and accepted and loved, not seeing and realizing that it will be a endless cycle of abuse unless the entire system that keeps it all together first change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design and create characters for myself specifically according to what I believed my mother needed to feel that she is being saved.
To be continued.