Defending self to not change

When and as I see I have made a mistake, I commit myself to not go into defense of what I missed, or did not consider, but to instead take a breath, see the points, drop the energy that I within my body, my chest, and to relax, stop all words that want to come out of my mouth in a natural way, to instead look within, see who I am within this, and allow growth, expansion by admitting my miss take and to take it in and to make it part of my consideration. 

My weaknesses are exposed through others giving feedback, when I take it personal I know I must take breath, see and realize that I am facing a weakness, the defensive mechanism activating within me to want to TELL why and how I made the mistake, is defending the mistake, it is to justify the mistake, and so I cannot learn from the mistake, I will only keep on missing it, not taking it, not expanding and learning. 

When I react to others words and how I take them, I know it is MY interpretation of what their words are meaning, how I am taking them, how the words are hitting the notes within me, the notes that are already existent within me, I am an instrument, If I am not tuned in to SOUND, but rather tuned in to EGO as energy and personality, then words will activate the energy, the personality and the through my reactive behaviors I will play music accordingly, where I can play the SOUND of life as self-responsibility, or I can play the Sound of energy and characters where the words are swords, meant to get back, defend and not grow and expand. 

When and as I read or hear the words of another that is directed to me, that is meant for me, and I pick up a “feeling” that there is something else behind their words, such as frustrations, anger, annoyance or a certain energy that is sharp as to stab me, to then stop this “feeling” that Is a defensive mechanism of MY personality/Ego already having a military grade defense system build in that is already ready to attack, where the energy then possess my body and shakes my body to possess my words, where my reaction isn’t a direction as a direct action of me anymore, but rather fulled with energy as something else that now in return will have a sharp energy to stab the other person back with anger, frustration or annoyance, thus not standing as self-redirected principle as breath, but rather only existing as a limited organic robot with automatic responses enforcing an abusing cycle. 

When I react and find myself possessed within an energy of self-righteousness, I stop the words that are ready made, ready to just slip out and respond, I give to myself the moment, the breath, to swallow those words and to stop that energy through breathing, to then remove the personal, to embrace LIFE, where I am an instrument of LIFE, and the music as the words I play stand as SOUND and not energy, I remove the emotions and the personal, I look within and I calm my waters, the storm that has been stirred, I see and realize in the moment that this storm isn’t who I am, the lightning and thunder does not have to be the answer, I can instead tell the storm to remove itself, and what remains is me, here calm, standing, as the E-motions, the motion of energy is gone, and I remain as the motion of LIFE, so I speak words that is self-responsible as creator, not blamer, justifier or manipulator, I embrace change, that who I am as the energy ends and I can reborn myself within that moment as a new me, as the moment is here, the opportunity, and this I am grateful for, no matter how hard it can be or is, I embrace absolute self-responsibility and to change, as that is the way forward, living self-forgiveness to drop the ego, energy and be humble. 

Time manifested reactions. When I find within myself, that I have created a certain perspective, opinion about another Peron and what I believe their perception is of me, where I believe their perception of me is that of lesser, of inferior, of not capable, of not able, due to how I take their words, how I receive their words, how I FEEL their words. I allow myself to stop the stereo typing of another and how I FEEL them being towards me in relation to me within me, as I am the holder and beholder of the perception I have of them as to what perception they have of me, as every word, every action I take around or in relation to that person or persons will always be to try and defend my own perception of myself against their perception of me as what I perceive them to have a perception of me, and thus I always walk in defense and control, never allowing me to drop all perceptions, to drop all expectations and to actually breathe and live. 

THUS – I see and realize that I hold perception of others within my mind and who they are based on believes and assumptions of what perceptions they are holding of me, and so I am creating and manifesting these perceptions in reality, as my words and actions are a reaction to the perceptions and thus creating them, manifesting them, so when someone comes to me and says something to me, I already have a ready-made answer, reaction towards that person, as I believe their words and actions towards me is coming from the perception they have of me – which comes from the perception I have of them and what they have of me, so I react and act in ways that makes no sense to them, yet I feel I have to constantly defend myself, my perception of myself. I see this is a battle of illusions. 

When someone points out something about me, and I see myself reacting to the person pointing out the point to me, I stop and I breathe, as I realize and SEE that I am only reacting because of the believe I have of that person and what I believe their relationship is within themselves towards me, so I always find their words and actions as an attack towards me, because of hat I am holding within me as the STORY, where I have placed the CHARACTERS in my story as always being the bad guys and I am the good guy, and thus everyone is out to get me and I must fight this great battle to just make it through, to make it to the end of the story. 

When I fuck up, make a mistake and it is noticed by others, I commit myself to not make it personal as to what the responses will be, I see and realize that it is always about self-forgiveness and not others forgiving me, as I must change in fact to stop making the mistake, using shame and guild as a defensive mechanism will not change anything but accumulate a negative ball of energy that will manifest the same shit again, and so I see and realize that if confrontation occurs of a mistake or fuck up that I have created/made, that it can never be personal, as I can never actually in fact change by defending myself with others, by justifying myself, but to instead admit the mistake and take self-responsibility, and that It must be TRUE to me, self-honest that I will change, and not something based on how I am feeling by being confronted, by being pointed out a mistake I have made, or how the mistake has made others feel, or what their perception or idea is about me making the mistake, as such starting point for change isn’t valid and based on nothing more than energy that in due time disappears. I see that I must make the consequences REAL for myself, to not avoid them, to face them, to change and to stand up and know that I WILLED myself to change, by my directive principle and decisions to stand for LIFE as all life as who I am to be that which is best for all life.

Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

A pattern that keeps on crawling out whenever I am in conversations, either within commenting or speaking, I go into defensive mode. Why do I always do it, I ask myself, I always fuck up the conversations I have when and as I respond to someone’s - well more of react, and then there is regret. Regret is when it is to late and the consequences is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what other people say when and as I interact with them in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people within conversations I have with them within the expectation of that I will not be understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what other people say when and as I interact with them in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start conversations with other people from the starting point of defending what I am saying, seeing and realizing that within this starting point I am showing other people thaat there is a point to attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to defend myself within conversations I have with people, seeing and realizing that this has a origin point of why I have a belief that I must defend myself always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this pattern was created within my past as memories/experiences that I have had within the past that I have defined myself as.

Memory:

Here I see the general memory where as a child when and as I brought up issues or things within my life the people that looked after me simply shoved off whatever I said, because I am just a kid, I do not know what I am talking about, I just have to stay quiet, I have no say because the adults are talking, I am just me @gian@ and nothing more and thus my voice does not matter.

And through this I see how I have created the pattern of having to make things personal and dramatic and as it turns out it always only ended up being emotional conflict situations, I have through this learned to fear these situations because they always ended up only leaving me a loser or disappointed and not directing points, It became a battle of who wins and who loses and the prize was feeling good, empowered and like I have achieved something, yet it was actually to the contrary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being shoved off as being irrelevant within conversations and to within this fear respond to people in conversations within a reactive way to make myself seem bigger and impose what I am saying onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a dramatic entrance into conversations to make myself bigger and to not be shoved off as being irrelevant and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as worthless and not worthy to be part of conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a worthless component within the conversation on the topic I am participating within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and identify my word as being worthless within conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond within conversations from the fear of that my fears might come true as being seen as worthless and not worthy within the conversations taking place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have been reacting towards thoughts of fear within my mind that comes from memories/experiences of the past, seeing and realizing that as I react to the thoughts and then respond to them that I am re-creating the past in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have created experiences/memories through past events as a child and a teenager that I have attached negative energetic emotions to that I have placed within my mind as something to fear and avoid, and to within this when and as I have the thought of where I see myself being brushed of as not being worthy and being worthless within the conversation to respond in a way that attempts to avoid me being seen as worthless and to within this make it a dramatic and personal conversation instead of sticking to common sense and what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have experienced within the past within confrontational conversations must be who I am, seeing and realizing that I decide if that is so or not and thus I can stop and forgive myself and re-create myself and re-align myself within what is best for all life and re-design myself through removing the experiences and the energy connections I have made and to stop the thoughts when and as they come up and to not follow the thoughts as being real, as they are not.



Ok I am going to write out the pattern to see it, so that I can stop this self sabotaging pattern that isn’t best for me or all life, as what I am talking about and always responding about is the world and the problems and shining the light on that which people do not want to hear - equality and oneness as the solution.

Pattern.

I am sitting in front of my PC, I go on facebook to see what is happening, I see a link to a news website - I am curious to what is happening in the world today, I think of how ridiculous the news can be sometimes and how stupid people can be, I see it is a south African news website, I fear participating on south African websites in discussion, south Africans are so set in stone in their cultural and religious way there is no way to get through to them.

I go to the news website, I scroll down and look around to see what is happening, I see a article about animals, the heading is interesting, I click the link and I start reading the article, as I read the article I react to certain parts I am reading about, I react to how people view animals and the comments that people leave that is so inconsiderate towards animals, all they are is bags of meat to hunt and make money off, I get pissed and angry, I feel compelled to leave a comment, I do realize that I have reacted and that I must breathe and make sure that there is no emotional reaction when I comment, I breathe and start writing a comment. As i write the comment I find myself wanting to say to much, or that there is to much I have to say in a single comment, I fear if I leave something out people won’t understand and get what I am saying and that it will end up being a mess and conflict - I try and place as much information into one comment to cover most points. I find myself feeling like I am leaving something out - I start to lose my words and the comment becomes like many points in one even off topic - I have spend some time on this comment now, I need to get going, In the time rush I click post and the comment it there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach the news with a judgmental state of mind, instead of breathing and to be here and clear so that I can see direct here and not my own judgments that is limited to my own reactions and perception as the mind as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people and how stupid they can be, seeing and realizing that this is me projecting my fear of people seeing me as stupid onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having conversations with people from my country as I have judge them a certain way and that I have set them in stone within my mind as being a certain way, seeing and realizing how I have limited myself to communicate effectively with others and all people due to the beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions I have created of them within my mind as back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I read articles to react to certain parts of the article, seeing and realizing that the reaction comes from where I have separated myself from the information and to within this write in response to the article in separation instead of one and equal as the article within that which is best for all life and not personal as a reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I react within what I read/hear within a article/conversation to feel compelled to reply or leave a comment, seeing and realizing that this is me following the energy instead of breathing and clearing myself to write a response that is best for all life within consideration of hat is here in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I feel compelled to reply or leave a comment that I am actually following through in creating and manifesting what I fear as me not being worthy of the conversation, as the response will be of a reaction and making it personal because it comes from a thought/energy movement that will create resistance and make me seem like someone that is simply rambling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I feel a energy movement within myself within a conversation to say something to make a response to rely that the energy is seeking energy and not a solution that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify making conversation just because I felt compelled to do so as I have justified within my mind that because the feeling is so strong it must mean something, seeing and realizing that only I give it meaning and thus I create it, and that I can stop the feeling/energy and instead direct myself within commenting, where the commenting isn’t based on energy that is random and our bursting but as breathe stable and here and clear and within what is best for all life.

After a while I go back to check the comment, I see the comment has a lot of likes and even more dislikes and people posting their opinions, I fear people’s opinions - I belief personal opinions of people are dangerous and poisonous because I understand that they are all based on self interest and not real, yet everyone approves of it because it supports their own point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear peoples opinions, seeing and realizing that I fear other people’s opinions because I have based my conversation on opinions instead of common sense and thus I give all opinions the power to overpower my opinion as I did not make my conversation based on what is best for all life where the conversation stands no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to conversations/articles from the starting point of personal views as opinions instead of what is best for all life, as that which is best for all life will always stand and thus as I respond with my own personal opinions on the subjects I give away my authority within the conversation to stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fear other people’s opinions as I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as opinion instead of standing as that which is best for all life within common sense and self honesty that is always best for all life.

I react to the opinions and all the people that supported the opinions, I write another comment that is now quite personal, this is where I make my mistake, yet I continue, I feel I have to be mean to get through to them, I press post, I realize my mistakes, it is too late and I realize I have lost this battle, I wasn’t standing within common sense and what is best for all life, it has become personal and reactive, now no one will hear or see but only fight and defend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I will create a battle within any or all conversations with people when and as I challenge their beliefs/opinions and thus it is not avoidable yet I can remain stable and not make it personal and worse which is giving the other people a second chance a new slate every time to also see what I am saying and stand with or re consider their beliefs/opinions that is based on self interest and not what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize fully that my words and what I write and say will have effects and consequences either way, either within what is best for all life or against life, thus I see it is important that I stand always within what is best for all life and to not create consequences that is against life as resistance or miss-information on the topics in conversations where I am not clear.

I tell myself I will not do that again, it is not cool and is only abusive to myself and sabotaging myself, it kills the opportunity to have conversation, there may be conflict but that is still part of the actual conversation, and not just reacting and defending the whole time from both sides.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through not breathing and instead react and respond to internal experiences within conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that conversations must not have any conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid conflict within conversations and thus sabotage my words and compromise my stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and create conversations according to the desired outcome I want as a thought within my mind that is of the opposite of the fear I have, thus creating a internal struggle first within me of two polarities, seeing and realizing that all I have to do is breathe and remain here and always stand within what is best for all life and not follow internal experiences/reactions that is of self interest and not best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that all and any conversation is to win or lose, seeing and realizing that what is best for all life isn’t about winning or losing, it is to get the point across, regardless if the person listens or not, as long as the message is getting through and I stand within what I say as what is best for all life and the point isn’t open for debate of losing or winning, it is best for all life period, Yet I must stand clear within that what I speak and say is in fact best for all life and not my opinion.