Day 252 – The Trap of Who I am Every Day.

I have seen and realize this point over and over and over, and yet I haven’t changed it at all, the Fear is simply too great to change it.

What am I talking about? Every day I assume a Character that I expect everyone wants to see of me, I assume that this is the only character that is acceptable by everyone around me, I have played this character every day of my life for so long because I have thus far been “save” with this Character.
This Character I am talking about is the Character that I always put on in front of other people, I even wear it when I am alone in my room in the fear that if someone else comes in they will see me without my mask, but I have done this for so long now that I have forgotten that I am wearing a mask/character.

I know I have to take the mask/character off and I have to really get rid of it, and not to only bring out that what I am trying to hide, that isn’t the point, I have done my self-forgiveness, I have placed my commitments and I have realized myself in many ways, but now I have to actually LIVE these commitments as that which is best for all LIFE.

This is where the scary part comes in – I do not know what to find underneath the mask, I do not know who I will be once I stop playing this character – or to be more clear on the point, I do know what to expect from me – that is why I fear taking it all, because I know once I take off the mask, once I stop the character I will change not just me, But I will change everyone and everything around me.

This is what I fear – what will happen when I stop pretending the character, what will happen once I stop putting on the masks that has been keeping me save.

I know who I can be, I know what I must do as that which is best for all life, But this Idea/belief that i have of myself as this Gian character that I play every day is so integrated into my actions/movements and my words and my habits and behaviors that I seem to just not to be able to stop it in time and to change.

Why can’t I stop it in time? there is FEAR, the fear gives it all away, the fear directs it all, the fear is the fucker that wins every time, the fear is what makes the shit in my head seem so fucking real that i act on it without considering a thing, the Fear that i give all my power to is doing exactly what fear does, it keeps me in my box called the mind.

Why is there fear? I know that there is a extremely very thin line between change and no change, all it requires is that one tiny step over the line to the other side and then there is no stopping the consequences of that, so I actually fear the consequences of change, and I am not here connecting consequences to a negative emotion, consequences is simply the outflow of your actions, it can either be best for all life or not, it isn’t judged as good or bad, it is what it is to bring about a world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the correction that is required of me to set myself free from and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear that I give power to every time when that moment is here of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I break the chains of fear that I give power to through participating within the mind that makes it seem so real within all the future projections and ideas and beliefs I create from and as the fear that might happen if I break the chains to direct me and to keep me enslaved to the fear as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself into the unknown of breaking the chains of fear and that i will support myself effectively with whatever happens and come my way if it is either good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that breaking the chains of fear and acting within the best interest of all life as myself, that it must either be a good or a bad consequential outflow that occurs, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I act within the best interest of all life that the outflow of my actions can always only be best for all life no matter how it seems to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear as it is all I have ever known and even come to trust, trusting the fear and the chains and that these chains are keeping me save, when in fact they are keeping me enslaved and limited and in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when i take that one step that is always too late to take back that i will not be able to follow through and fall, seeing and realizing that this is what the fear wants me to fear to keep me in fear LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief and make all the justifications/reasons that come up why not to change that comes from fear to be valid and real and that I must stick to them with good reason, seeing and realizing that this good reason is to only keep the fear alive while I die and burn in the fear slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that fear can and will never be an excuse for why I did not do what is best for all life in all ways and why I did not stand up in the moments that I saw I had to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I am within each moment is decided by me and that if and when I give fear permission to be who I am that is exactly who i will be, seeing and realizing that I am the only one that can decide in every moment/breathe to not live and exist as fear and to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that who i am everyday in the face of others is who i am have to remain to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the character of who I am daily through blindly believing that it is all I can ever be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the trap of who i am daily is not the same as who i am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the character I am everyday just to be save from facing msyelf and standing a life and what is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change who i am daily that everyone else is sued to that I will only face negative consequences, not seeing and realizing that the change that takes place must be self honest in each breathe to what is here in consideration of others here walking their processes, and thus accordingly I act within the best interest of all and not within the self interest of only changing myself just for the sake of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change from the starting point of not having to face myself anymore as the fear, seeing and realizing that the fear will always be here till I stand one and equal as it and not to separate myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and idea about change and that it must be dramatic and life changing like a bomb going off, seeing and realizing that the change I am talking about as self change to that which is best for all life is a living change where I become the example and not where I now change and go an bash other people and suddenly being all different as that isn’t how it works in terms of best for all life as it will only serve my self interest of wanting change for the sake of change instead of real change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will say and do once they notice change within me as a living example.

To be continued.