Day 31 - why do I hold back.

Why do I hold back when I see I need to act, this is a pattern that I am working with now in terms of participating in my world, within what I can do in and as space and time.

As an example, I have been wanting to do vlogs about many points for the last couple of months, yet I haven't even come to do one or tow on the points.

Every time The point comes up that I am going to do a vlog today, I end up just thinking about it and looking at when I can do it, I see I use the environment as an excuse, I use the sounds in the environment as an excuse, I use the camera I am going to use as an excuse, I use my voice not sounding good enough as an excuse, I use "I will sound dumb as an excuse" yet I know I can do it all - so I hold back, I sit down and I become silent, this silence is actually a suppression of my expression.

I see that the problem starts with -  first of all thinking, secondly thinking I will do it today instead of now ( postponing), obviously if I can and not like being at work or so on, make a note!

So even if I do see what is causing me to not do it and why, I am still holding back, I am the manifestation of the judgments I have towards the myself regarding the point, I* have become the accumulated consequences of my own mind participation, where I have given the mind power over me a what I am able to do with in and as the physical. If I stop the mind then I become living actions with no limitations with in what is here.

 I see I have trapped myself with in an energetic experience (resonance) of fear and anxiety through self judgment, I have to now release myself from this,

The Mind is a trap, if you follow what it presents to you it will trap you, the trap is unique as you will not realize the trap unless you show the trap to yourself, this is where self forgiveness comes in.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in applying myself in certain areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in the principal of what is best for all life through judging myself in those certain areas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with in certain areas in my life of applying myself with in the principal of what is best for all life as not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in what is best for all life because I believe I lack the knowledge and information to be specific enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being smart enough with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life with in what is best for all life, realizing that If I never push myself to express myself in those areas in my life that I will not find out or ever be able to see what is real and what is not so that I can work on it accordingly instead of judging myself and paralyzing myself from doing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life through accepting and allowing the fear of making mistakes to direct me instead of me directing me in each breath where I direct the mind as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about expressing myself in moments when I see a point is here and end up only generating thoughts/judgments/believes/opinions/ideas in my mind instead of expressing myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back because of conversations that I have in my mind and through this create believes/opinions/ideas based on my own self judgment that is not real but created of the mind in a secret room in my head, realizing it is all self created and what is real is yet to be discovered through me to in the moment express myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe what I tell myself in my head in secret and to follow what I make up as justifications and reasons to not express myself in the moment as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be held back by fear as self judgment as future projections that I create in my head, that isn't real at all yet I believe it as to be true, realizing that in and as the physical as silence there is nothing but me here in and as the physical moving me as Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I am not held back any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear who i am when I am not holding myself back any longer to not express myself as LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for holding myself back through participating in the mind as thoughts/feeling/emotions and to trap myself deliberately with in and as the thoughts/feeling and emotions to not have to take the extra steps in change, as I realize I see this as to much effort and that I will actually have to dedicate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear dedicating myself to be here in each breath and to not postpone or hold myself back from expressing myself As Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I express myself with in what is best for all life in all ways that I will draw more peoples attention that will hate me and attack me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that hate and get aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract people that is aggressive and haters through my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do when I get haters or people that get aggressive toward me with in expressing myself fully with in what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react when I express myself in each breathe as that which is best for all life in all ways and to not postpone and to not give power to all the thoughts/feeling and emotions but to breathe and realize I am here and I am responsible for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back with in waiting for approval from my environment and others first before I can express myself, realizing with in this I am compromising and sabotaging myself and might wait for eternity, thus it is up to me in each breathe when I express myself as I choose who I am in each breath and that it is all me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as one big excuse, realizing that I decide in each and every breathe, as the mind and as the physical who I am and thus there is actually no excuse in the end and I will have no excuse at death either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing to myself that there is no excuse which will reveal to me that all the time I have wasted is gone and can never be retrieved or re-gained and thus I now have to in and as breathe make up and do extra to get to where I should be and to get out of the trap of the mind that I have set myself and trapped myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my mind deliberately just so that I can have an excuse for why I did not express myself as LIFE as that which is best for all in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ME.

I commit myself to when ever I see a point comes up where I want to make a vlog to see if it is practical in the moment to do one immediately with out postponement and to do so, if I can not I make a note and I live my words as Who I am.

I commit myself to write and to apply self forgiveness when I see I am feeling trapped and to free myself from my own trap of the mind and to see what remains as me here as who I decide I am in and as the physical and to apply myself with in the certain area of my life.

I commit myself to when I see I judge myself or have any mind bullshit going on when I want to express myself in a certain area in my life are such as making music, doing a vlog, building a bird house, that I will write and clear myself and to look and consider all the points with in common sense and self honesty and to see if it real or not and to then accordingly apply myself with in self honesty.