Forcefulness and Fear

As I am staying and moving in with Kelly and Adrian on their land here in Panama, which is surrounded by rivers and forests all around. I have been going into the wild for a few hours a day, something I have never been able to do. Even living on the Desteni Farm in South-Africa, there wasn’t really WILD nature around.

With this, I have been able to go to the woods/rivers and just BE HERE, breathing. Yet, I know as this is a new environment I have to be aware of the wildlife I am unfamiliar with, as most frogs and snakes here are poisonous and who knows what else. I am still learning.

This combination of me placing the direction and commitment for myself on what I am living in the wild with the wild being here I am accessing a very interesting part of myself, a part that has become automatic in the sense of survival/fear responses.

I know in South-Africa with the high crime/rape/murder there I had this point as an obvious point within me, but now that it is not with me any more, I feel I am reaching deeper roots of this point within me, I was looking at it while being by the river and I kind of named it for myself as the ancient fear - where humans generally could not just live with nature, unlike wild animals, we had to make shelter and weapons and all kinds of things that lead to where we are now, we have always felt inferior to nature and thus FORCED our way onto and through this earth by ravaging nature, destroying it just to feel secure and safe from the wild animals, and thus came full circle to humans now fearing themselves the most and what we do to ourselves, as nature is kind of out of the way right.

My experience in particular was strange, catching the ever so slight thoughts of destruction within me while being in this beautiful, peaceful environment coming up in a seemingly random moment. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river, the rock was smooth and big, so I wanted to lay on it, but there was this one piece of grass that somehow against all odds grew on this rock in a crack, and I caught myself with a thought of ripping it out and throwing it away into the water, as only then I would find this rock perfect and clean/safe, forcing my way onto the environment.

I stopped myself, I breathed and I asked for forgiveness for this piece of grass, and instead I saw myself in the grass growing there on this rock. I said to the grass, look at you, you grew here, look at me, I am also here but I only want to diminish you and myself. I then embraced myself as that piece of grass and sat with it on the rock, right next to it.

As I stood up from the rock, not having lived out this forcefulness towards this piece of grass sharing this rock with me as I was the visitor there, I noticed this more and more, I found myself with a stick in my hand and two rocks in my pocket, I saw then how my behaviour of having the stick and two rocks was to HARM, thus force my way onto nature, as the reason I had the stick and two rocks was for my protection right? In case there is a snake or a wild animal lurking in the forest surrounding me. Now, yes it can be practical in case there is a snake I can use the stick to move it, or the rocks to chase an animal off. BUT this post is not focussed on the practical side of this, it is to see what MOVED within me, as the starting point matters as that will determine my action in an unexpected moment.

I then took the two rocks out of my pocket and I put them down, I then took the stick and placed it down. I then had a moment of wondering/looking at the point for myself. Here I am in nature, it is SOO calm and peaceful, it is amazing, the sounds and the feeling of the place as the wind, fresh air, all is good, and I found myself being the ONLY threat there which was scary to see me in that moment, a complete system of fear and paranoia manifested as a justification of self-survival/defence, yet whit just me being who i am in the first, I am the only one there placing everything else in defensive mode, as they all need to now protect themselves from me, THUS my very starting point in who I am in the forest is thus making everything else dangerous.

I got up after putting my weapons down, I stood still for a moment taking in the fresh air and I said to myself, OK Gian, now, stop the mind, and be HERE in breathe moving one step at a time, do not consistently look around, following every small sound, or going into my mind of what is something jumps out of the bushes, and I started moving forward further down the river and the trees, I then started feeling my body relax, I then started feeling in tune so to say with my environment, I then started feeling actually aware of my environment without having to use my eyes and ears the whole time. I had to embrace a TRUST within me and so start resonating that trust into my environment as who I am.

This was a test for me on a personal level, and I would not recommend everyone doing it considering now the practical side of things and your environment, yet the point stands to always check WHO AM I and to look to the small things we stop that is forceful, catching those thoughts that rush through our head and places us into survival and fear/paranoia that leads to us becoming exactly what we fear and miss out on a whole different level of existence for ourselves and others that is possible.

I went much further, as I saw this point in a simple point such as going on a relaxed walk into the forest, I took the signature and I pulled it all the way into my life, my relationships and movement in my reality, my creation points, seeing where am I in this forcefulness, realizing it is not working, it is to be HERE, breathe and move myself as myself as expression from me, not something outside of me.