Day 109 – Survival Characters Part 4 – Social Survivor.

I ended in the previous Blog Day 108 on where I saw how within self forgiveness how it is within parenting that the parents raise children/me in such a way that all we are taught is Fear and then how to run/hide from the fear, and through this we/I built characters that is specifically designed to always avoid/run/hide form the fear that is within, and how Love as the ultimate fear is what is sued to justify all fear.

I have come to see within myself how Love as fear can be presented – Lets say there is a Ball of red darkness mixed and it is a ball of fear, so now love is when you take paint and you paint rainbow colors over the ball and suddenly beliefs it is something different, but yet the harsh truth is, the ball of fear still remains a ball of fear you now just cant/don't want to see it as you have PAINted it with colors called love – it really only makes it look different.

So Now within the previous Blogs I can see I have gone on a bit of a ranting and raving on the points of the social survivor character as so many point opened up within it all, new points and I had to write them out.

So first things first – The social survivor character is/was created at Home, even before school and friends, because the first thing a kid learns is how to survive living with the parents, this is a obvious point.

When I look at it as a child I was born into this world, then suddenly within my learning environment with the teachers (parents) there was rules and do and don'ts and yes and no and there was all the things that was imposed onto me as a kid of which i Had no idea about.

For example – a parent will dress their baby/child a certain way to already Fit in with what is acceptable by society – where as the baby has no idea that such thing exist, the parents already force expectations from society onto the child to make sure the child fits in.

So here I see the problem is that I/children are literally raised as Social survivors without being consciously aware of it, as it is only made known through limited conversations and behaviors.

For example – when going to the mall the mother will dress the boy up in blue cloths because according to society a boy must wear blue and not pink, if the boy had to wear pink then the boy would not be accepted by society and be called names and seen as gay and not as a real boy and not taught and not as a real man – yet the boy is but only a bot and yet have no concept of what games the adults are playing, it is only made known through the behaviors and actions – and now here come the interesting part of why parents would do this. 

It is all because of FEAR – so the parents raise the child in complete fear and then call it LOVE, because the parents FEAR that the boy will be called names and not seen as a real boy or as gay or as not a tough boy if he had to wear pink, the say Because we love you we dress you in blue clothes so that you will not be abused by society. Yet the love is clearly only fear, and the fear isnt even necessarily always towards the child, it will be the parents own FEAR of not being seen as Good Parents, not raising their child to the expectations of society as dressing him in Blue.

And now the child grows up with this behavior and acceptance, because the child will see within others behaviors towards him with wearing blue that they are accepting him, being nice to him, playing with him, giving him attention etc, and so as the boy see/learn through the behavior he learns that it has to do with how he is dressed.

And bam there is one dimension of how the kid is now fucked into never being able to live freely as the boy will now always dress and built dressing characters to be accepted/loved by others, because obviously within the environmental behavior it was/is also seen how he will not be accepted and that people fear the opposite/polarity. 

So here we have one character of the social survivor characters of dressing nicely or according to what the community/society accepts. 

And this goes on, now as the boy have built this character it must be understood that this character is now a product of capitalism and dependent on how the world currently exist, so this character will enforce this abuse/behavior onto others. And as the character is built From love from the parents out of fear the child/boy will defend this character in the name of love – saying my parents did it because they love me, not because they feared for themselves and me, and so as the love as the fear in fact is defended the boy is in fact defending the current way the world exist as IN FEAR so that the LOVE that is justified can remain justified.

If the boy have to ever realize that he was taught to FEAR and then to Hide the fear with love just to be accepted in how he dresses and so create a world of fear that leads only to abuse and that there was in FACT a different way of life possible without fear and where a world can be created that is without fear, he would not have the love anymore or the fear, and the fear of losing love is the proof that love is fear and is that which man will always defend and the world can thus not change.

To Be Continued on Self Forgiveness...

Day 108 – Survival Characters Part 3 – Social Surviver.

So here I am still continuing on the How’s of how the social character comes into play as a continuation of Day 107 and Day 106.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into fear of not being accepted by a group/people and fitting in as not being “loved” to create a character that is acceptable by the others through actually imitating the others in behavior and characteristics of what is accepted by the group based on fear with the intention to be loved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that seeking approval and love from others is all based on fear, and thus in the name of fear of not being accepted and allowed I will accept and allow the abuse that is currently existent within this world as the characters that I created that is dependent on the fear to be loved even if it means being a bully or calling other kids names, and thus seeing and realizing that through this seeking for love out of fear of not being accepted and to Justify the world the way it exist now because my character is now dependent on the way the world exist and because I get love from the character I created I do not want to change the world out of the fear of losing my love that the character needs to be accepted to not have to face the fear and the world that is here as all the abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the way the world currently is/exist as for teh sake of being loved out of the fear of that if the world changes that I will lose the reasons/justifications/excuses for why I am loved as the characters that I built from the abused world and not to lose the characters out of fear of losing the love, realizing that the love is based on fear and that they both are one of the same and thus realize that I am using love to hide the fear that is always here as me as that which i have separated myself from, instead of facing myself as the fear and to not create a world that is based on fear where people hide behind love and so create more fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this behavior comes from childhood where parents teach their children fear and love the whole time, and thus when and as I grow up all I seek is fear and love to hide the fear, to run away from the fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the fear for not being accepted by others was taught to me by parents within their behavior, where they taught me what to fear and then how to act/behave and built characters to run away from the fer, never teaching me, showing me how to instead walk through the fear and to stop living in fear.

To be continued.

Day 107 – Survival Character Part 2 – social survivor

So this is a continuation of Day 106 –Survival Character Part 1 – social survivor.

I ended up in the last Blog with the main point of why I “had to survive socially”, the point was fear of not being accepted and thus the physical consequences of that such as, being bullied and abused, this comes from actual memories where I have made the connections in life through how other kids (either older or same age) would treat each-other, and obviously such behavior is taught at home or from any Adult/Parent/Sibling and passed on.

So it wasn’t a matter of out of the blue thanks to Natural instinct that I miraculously knew I must survive, it was through actual events in the past that imprinted and thus Programmed into me as a child, thus looking at the survival characters I can see they are all not Natural and actually taught/shown/programmed into me or by myself through competition and self interest..

The first character I am going to walk and see is the characteristics of the Social survivor character and what/how/why the character plays out its roles.

Social Survivor character.

How: How does the character come into play, first I look at when is the character not in play, this character is not in play when I am all alone with myself in my room/house/area and there is no need to survive.

So the character come out to play its role once someone enters my “space” or before I have to enter someone else s space.

So the character is dependent on other “beings” and me being in their presence and thus accordingly to who ever the person is - I have a character that will act/behave/speak and be a certain way to be Accepted by the other character and not be attacked/abused/misused/bullied and so that I can survive.

This can even go deeper, as the How’s has a memory attached to it, each and every single “how”, because in the past a certain event/situation happened and I experienced myself a certain way and in response to how I experienced myself and validated the experience as who I am, I either judged it as good or bad and accordingly either suppressed it or not. and then create a character for each one, thus the good experience will now have a character that acts out in that certain event/scenario when it plays out because I made the connection “it made me survive and I am alive, either because in the certain event people liked me for what I did or who I was etc, and so for the opposite as the bad energy experience, I create a character that will in such events play out to suppress the past experience of the memory and play out a response acceptable to the situation that is acceptable and thus suppressing the past/memory on which the character is created or try and prevent it.

It is interesting that there is this thing all over the world where people belief you have the right to be yourself and if people do not like it, it is their problem, Yet I can guarantee each and every human on earth. that no one is themselves, not even once a day, because we all know, if we had to be ourselves we would not have any friends, any job, anyone in our lives at all, and we would be abused and bullied all the time, characters do not like characters that isn’t acting to fit in and play their illusion role. Beat the shit out of that MOFO they say – its a real fucking Cult(ture)

So now I am going to apply Self Forgiveness on the physical How”s of when I go into social survival character and the fears connected to the hows that is triggered by thoughts that come up, that is/was created from a past memory/experience and now the thought is like a red button that I activate to kick in the character to play out and survive, so deleting the memory also deletes the thoughts that is bred from the memory as certain connections I made as the memory/experience was created/happened and obviously every-time I am the one that accepts and allows this to play out, it can never happen without my doing it.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone enters my “space” to immediately go into survival mode as a character that is accepted by the specific person entering my space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to enter anthers “space” to prepare and go into a character that I have created specifically to be accepted by the person(s).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I actually prepare myself before hand in full awareness to enter other peoples space and for others to enter my space as the characters I create to act a certain way around the people to be accepted socially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone knocks on my door and I ask who is it? That I am actually through asking who it is checking what Character I must take out of the closet to play and pretend in a certain role that is acceptable by the person at the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is knocking at my door to first ask who is it? With full awareness that I am asking in a fear response of who it is, so that when the specific person answer I can check my memory data base for past experiences I had with the person and what I fear of the person/myself and how I must act accordingly as a certain character that is acceptable by the person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is about to enter my space to go into fear of not being accepted by the person and to then when the thoughts come up in relation to the person of past experiences/memories where I see a situation/event/scenario/experience play out and to then immediately create a character that acts a certain way to avoid all the fears and to not have to face the fears and rather suppress it just to be accepted and not be abused or bullied.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that each and every thought is of memories/past/experiences that creates characters each and every-time to hide and not to have to face what I have accepted and allowed within this reality as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to go to a party/show/friends/family/mall etc. To go into thoughts that is of the past as memory and to check within the memory what character I must Create and act out to avoid all the negative experiences within the memories that is fear based and to literally dress myself up and walk a specific way and talk a specific way as a whole character that I created that is false and not real just so that when I enter other peoples environments/space to be accepted by them and to not be rejected and abused and bullied, realizing that all of this is my own mind interpretations that I created within my mind through certain events that happened in the past that I connected as negative or positive and then made judgements of myself and the world and now I am living a lie to protect the lie.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every-time someone enters my presence or when I enter others presence I change characters to be socially accepted and thus I exist as thousands of characters as I have created a character for each and every person and event/situation and literally lost/forgot who I am as the physical being, as I spend so much time in my mind creating characters and playing them out that I totally missed the one REAL character that I use all the time to play out the fake ones as the Physical body/flesh as who i am and to neglect me and give power to the LIE in fear of not being accepted by the LIE as LIEf currently is in the SociaLIEfe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I/someone is about to enter my space or me their to define me according to the thoughts that come up within me that I accept and allow to move me and to then create characters in response to the thoughts. Not realizing that I am actually telling myself I am the thoughts, when it is as clear as day that I am the flesh here breathing and the thoughts is/are that which I accept and allow and decide what to do with, and thus within validating the thoughts I create my of fear all the time and thus manifest that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into fear due to the thoughts that I gave power due to certain memories and experiences of the past to give it power over the present here and to live in a constant state of stress/fear/anxiety of this fear of not being socially being accepted, not realizing that all it takes is to stop one thought in one breathe and I can set myself free in the moment and not go into a false pretentious illusion character that is a lie to myself and the physical and only keeping the lie as LIEf currently exist aLIEve.

Social Survival Character to be continued.

Day 106 – Survival Characters Part 1, Social Survivor.

How did this survival character come into my life, what was it that made me realize in that one moment that O Fuck I have to survive or I will be fucked, what type of survival was this?

I can see that type of survival that this character comes from, it is the social survivor, I have to be socially accepted otherwise I will be fucked by everyone if they do not accept me, I will have no friends, I will be bullied and I will be abused and be the weakest link so to say, and as I have observed within my live what happens to the weakest links is they become punching bags for those that are the strong. 

I am looking back at Memory, as I see and realize that this character is based on fear and the fear must come from somewhere, where I made a connection in my life, thus a memory/experience in the past, It could also come from unconscious/sub conscious influences such as the environment, Parents speaking and the way they moved and acted/behaved that had the imprints, but I am looking for a memory where I clearly made the decision within myself, I have to survive.

My Memory.

I am seven years old, I invited a couple of friends (male friends) to come to my house to play some cricket. 

One of the male friends brought his sister along as he could not leave her alone at home; she was a year younger than us.

One of my siblings who was two years older than me wanted to play with, so we told him he can join in, everyone went to the field and started playing cricket, I stayed behind with the sister to keep her company, we played with teddies and had laughs and fun, I kept on looking out the window at my friends playing cricket, I kept on thinking I should probably join them, but I actually hated cricket and preferred playing with females, they were much more better company. 

I always enjoyed being friends more with girls than with guys, I just never told anyone, so After the cricket all my friends came to the house and asked me why did I not play with them? I was the one that invited them? I then did not know how to reply, they all looked disappointed and like I did something wrong.

brother then afterwards told me that what I did wasn’t right, If I invite friends I must play with them or I will lose my friends.

I then felt a bit bad for what I did, although i did enjoy playing with the girl with teddies, and cricket wasn’t my thing, I felt in that moment that I was now going to be forced to play with the “guys| and what they like, just to have friends and not be an outcast. 

I also then had a fear of losing my friends because without them I will be along at school.

The next Monday at school I got a bit teased for what I did and that I played with the girl instead of the boys and the cricket, I felt less than the other guys and as if I now was identified as a female, as weak and stupid and ugly and gooey, you know how kids are at young ages towards the opposite sex. 

So I definitely did not want to be a girl, I wanted to be a boy, so now I felt like I had to start acting and behaving more like a boy. This happens though observing other boys and their actions and how they are doing it to be accepted. 

This process took me a long time, it did not happen straight ahead in the same year, I had to switch schools the next year for grade two and there was new kids/boys and girls and I had to go through the whole process again of not interacting with the girls and rather with the guys.

I remember in grade two (age eight) I would stand on the side of the fields observing the guys/boys playing rugby and cricket and how they were being guys.

They all went through the same process as me, just sooner as their fathers was really into creating them a certain way, my father was mostly working and he left us to decide things for ourselves in a way.

So as I would stand on the sides and watch them, I was tempted to just go and hang out with the girls, it is so much easier to hang out with girls, you do not have to pretend that much and you do not have to have this male ego the whole time of I am tough and I am cool by being stupid.

But I did not, I had to hang out there, I did not want to be seen as a girly man, I did not want to be seen as weak and a wussy, because that is what I saw happened to other kids my age and younger, and they did not have the physical potential to present themselves differently and thus was immediately forced into a certain category because of that, I was like them but I had a more stable equal physical design at that age to the other guys, so I could still pretend and put masks on to be ‘like” them to not get teased and shunned out and be abused. 

I remember that I was stuck between worlds, I fitted in perfectly with the girls and with the so called losers, I did not fit in with the cool kids – (aged between 7-9) but yet I saw that if I do not fit in with the cool kids now I will suffer like the so called “losers”. This was my fear, not to be the loser, but to be abused emotionally/physically/mentally as I saw it happen. 

I walked in the school ground for years between groups, between the girls the losers and the cool guys and the nerds, I started creating so many characters because I could not make up my mind on which main character I was going to play (choosing a group – the loser one or the cool one because I kew one thing, as soon as I choose only one, the other one that I did not choose will hate me, be against me and I did not want that, so many time I just wished everyone got along with each other because it is/was SOO fucking possible and nothing really stopped it but Mind ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgments which is never real.

Evereytime I was seen with a “loser” I was called names and the kids that was with me was teased and called names and they were broken down, I remember I had a kind of a safety card of not being called that many names or being abuse physical because I also hanged out with the cool kids.

My personality was that of a poor person, of a loser of someone that does not fit in, but my “looks” physically and my hair and eyes etc was that of a cool kid, so I could easily blend and mix and use both. Girls like me because I was already easy around them – because I mostly grew up with my mother being around.

SO I continued to have this secret life in school, for half the day I hang out secretly with the cool kids, with a whole character that I designed with them to be accepted by them and to be awesome and so forth, and then the other half of the day I was hanging out with the losers – also the poorer kids with shitty cloths and smells a bit bad and that just physically also looked different with a character that would fit in completely with them. 

 

There was also the in-between groups that I hanged out with, the nerds, the silent kids, the other cool group just different interest, and then there was all the different girl groups, and I had to make up so many characters for all of them and in the end I created the Gian personality that I became known for in my school(s) and how I got known by everyone. 

Why did I do this is the other question – I had one fear, fear of not being accepted, this led to all groups and all the people, I seeked to be accepted and approved by all groups and types of people.

A major fear of rejection and what it implied – the system rejecting you, as if life was rejecting me.

The social survivor to be continued...

105 – I can Survive anywhere/anything Character.

This character basically leads my life, it always has, the I “can” survive anywhere in any situation with any or all people and types of things. 

Even if I have to Sell my soul I would do so just to survive. I would do what ever it takes, even if it means changing everything about me, changing my mind set, changing my characters, changing my personalities, changing how I look act behave and even speak. Just to survive anywhere and anything.

This came as far back as I can remember from school days and when I had to switch schools and friends and situations and where I had to fit in with the environment and the people to not be abused and kicked out and to be seen as an outcast. 

Within this I literally did anything I had to to survive, to fit in and to show that I can survive, I am a survivor.

So obviously looking at this point I can see that it isnt a natural way of Human nature, because I had to deliberately teach myself and transform myself and deceive myself and mold myself to become a survival machine, if it was Human nature to be like that from birth then I would have not had to do all that and simply fit in naturally. 

So this also shows me that school only teaches how to survive in a system that everyone knows is unfair and that everyone knows only a few will be able to get the good jobs as there is only so many good jobs and that the rest will have to be the people that suffer and work the hardest and do all the shitty jobs, this is actually made clear as school clearly consist out of winners and losers and that the winners and losers are actually promoted in front of the school through events that take place such as competitions on all levels, from friend groups and everything happening in the friend groups to sports and academical achievements. Showing kids that only some can make it as there can only be one winner and the rest is actually losers then and that is how the system works, a few thousands in the world have EVERYTHING and the rest have the shit and this also makes kids give up on themselves as being the losers and thus accepts and allows life to be so because there is no other way, and those that already have the advantages in school as the parents had more money already or so forth, they will always compete the most or not much at all and always seem to be the winners already and always get the prizes. So mysterious I always thought. 

So Here I am facing the character that I have created, actually this is many characters in one of the same – The survival character.

I will be going into this character into deep details and how and why I play this character out.

What is the fears, the insecurities, the ideas, beliefs, judgments and the opinions that formed and created this character and to then de-construct the character so that I can see how I have fucked myself, basically LOST myself within this character, I have manifested and created myself as this survival character to such and extend that I create and manifest all and everything about me just to survive, all the time. 

My every word, my every action, my every expression is moved and directed and comes from this character that must/want to survive any and all things at all times, its a vicious cycle.

So stay tuned as I go into the survival character.

Day 104 – Parents Held Accountable Part 3.

I commit myself to rebirth myself through writing/self forgiveness and to live the correction and as the physical and to become the living expression of/as life one and equal in all ways, so that when and as I bring a child into this world the child will not be nothing less than life as the physical as all that is here one and equal within full understanding of how everything here functions.

I commit myself to purify myself and to stop the mind as enslavement/limitation/mind control and to rebirth myself through writing/self-forgiveness and applying myself in and as the physical as that which is best for all life in all ways before I bring a child into this world.

I commit myself to educate myself effectively on what it actually in fact means to raise a child and what it actual implies in and as the physical and how raising a child is in fact, how the world will be as the result of the parent as the child.

I commit myself to show to parents that their children is but only products of who they are and that the world is an end result as the consequences of how the children was raised and that all parents is accountable for the way the world is.

I commit myself to investigate and to research how effective parenting must be applied to bring about a world that is best for all life and where each and every child is brought up/raised to be at their fullest potential as LIFE.

I commit myself to educate and inform all parents and soon to be parent that having a child isnt a right they have it is a responsibility they must prepare to take on as they must be prepared in all ways and only then through in fact being ready to have children that will be raised effectively and to their fullest potential and that will create and manifest a world that is best for all life in all ways and to show that any other way is abuse to the child and LIFE.

I commit myself to to show to all parents that children is a copy of who they are and that is the copy isnt what is best for all life then the world will only remain as hell and life as we know it will end.

I commit myself to show that all parents is accountable and that they are aware of what they are doing in their words and deeds.

I commit myself to show that parents that did not prepare for years on how to raise a child should never have a child unless they have gone through training and actually made a directive decision to have children within the starting point of what is best for all life as their self honesty.

I commit myself to educate myself on/in being an effective parent for when and as I have children within and as the principal of what is best for all life to create a child/adult that is a living custodian of earth and that is developed to his/her full potential in and as the physical.