Day 107 – Survival Character Part 2 – social survivor

So this is a continuation of Day 106 –Survival Character Part 1 – social survivor.

I ended up in the last Blog with the main point of why I “had to survive socially”, the point was fear of not being accepted and thus the physical consequences of that such as, being bullied and abused, this comes from actual memories where I have made the connections in life through how other kids (either older or same age) would treat each-other, and obviously such behavior is taught at home or from any Adult/Parent/Sibling and passed on.

So it wasn’t a matter of out of the blue thanks to Natural instinct that I miraculously knew I must survive, it was through actual events in the past that imprinted and thus Programmed into me as a child, thus looking at the survival characters I can see they are all not Natural and actually taught/shown/programmed into me or by myself through competition and self interest..

The first character I am going to walk and see is the characteristics of the Social survivor character and what/how/why the character plays out its roles.

Social Survivor character.

How: How does the character come into play, first I look at when is the character not in play, this character is not in play when I am all alone with myself in my room/house/area and there is no need to survive.

So the character come out to play its role once someone enters my “space” or before I have to enter someone else s space.

So the character is dependent on other “beings” and me being in their presence and thus accordingly to who ever the person is - I have a character that will act/behave/speak and be a certain way to be Accepted by the other character and not be attacked/abused/misused/bullied and so that I can survive.

This can even go deeper, as the How’s has a memory attached to it, each and every single “how”, because in the past a certain event/situation happened and I experienced myself a certain way and in response to how I experienced myself and validated the experience as who I am, I either judged it as good or bad and accordingly either suppressed it or not. and then create a character for each one, thus the good experience will now have a character that acts out in that certain event/scenario when it plays out because I made the connection “it made me survive and I am alive, either because in the certain event people liked me for what I did or who I was etc, and so for the opposite as the bad energy experience, I create a character that will in such events play out to suppress the past experience of the memory and play out a response acceptable to the situation that is acceptable and thus suppressing the past/memory on which the character is created or try and prevent it.

It is interesting that there is this thing all over the world where people belief you have the right to be yourself and if people do not like it, it is their problem, Yet I can guarantee each and every human on earth. that no one is themselves, not even once a day, because we all know, if we had to be ourselves we would not have any friends, any job, anyone in our lives at all, and we would be abused and bullied all the time, characters do not like characters that isn’t acting to fit in and play their illusion role. Beat the shit out of that MOFO they say – its a real fucking Cult(ture)

So now I am going to apply Self Forgiveness on the physical How”s of when I go into social survival character and the fears connected to the hows that is triggered by thoughts that come up, that is/was created from a past memory/experience and now the thought is like a red button that I activate to kick in the character to play out and survive, so deleting the memory also deletes the thoughts that is bred from the memory as certain connections I made as the memory/experience was created/happened and obviously every-time I am the one that accepts and allows this to play out, it can never happen without my doing it.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone enters my “space” to immediately go into survival mode as a character that is accepted by the specific person entering my space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to enter anthers “space” to prepare and go into a character that I have created specifically to be accepted by the person(s).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I actually prepare myself before hand in full awareness to enter other peoples space and for others to enter my space as the characters I create to act a certain way around the people to be accepted socially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone knocks on my door and I ask who is it? That I am actually through asking who it is checking what Character I must take out of the closet to play and pretend in a certain role that is acceptable by the person at the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is knocking at my door to first ask who is it? With full awareness that I am asking in a fear response of who it is, so that when the specific person answer I can check my memory data base for past experiences I had with the person and what I fear of the person/myself and how I must act accordingly as a certain character that is acceptable by the person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is about to enter my space to go into fear of not being accepted by the person and to then when the thoughts come up in relation to the person of past experiences/memories where I see a situation/event/scenario/experience play out and to then immediately create a character that acts a certain way to avoid all the fears and to not have to face the fears and rather suppress it just to be accepted and not be abused or bullied.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that each and every thought is of memories/past/experiences that creates characters each and every-time to hide and not to have to face what I have accepted and allowed within this reality as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am about to go to a party/show/friends/family/mall etc. To go into thoughts that is of the past as memory and to check within the memory what character I must Create and act out to avoid all the negative experiences within the memories that is fear based and to literally dress myself up and walk a specific way and talk a specific way as a whole character that I created that is false and not real just so that when I enter other peoples environments/space to be accepted by them and to not be rejected and abused and bullied, realizing that all of this is my own mind interpretations that I created within my mind through certain events that happened in the past that I connected as negative or positive and then made judgements of myself and the world and now I am living a lie to protect the lie.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every-time someone enters my presence or when I enter others presence I change characters to be socially accepted and thus I exist as thousands of characters as I have created a character for each and every person and event/situation and literally lost/forgot who I am as the physical being, as I spend so much time in my mind creating characters and playing them out that I totally missed the one REAL character that I use all the time to play out the fake ones as the Physical body/flesh as who i am and to neglect me and give power to the LIE in fear of not being accepted by the LIE as LIEf currently is in the SociaLIEfe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I/someone is about to enter my space or me their to define me according to the thoughts that come up within me that I accept and allow to move me and to then create characters in response to the thoughts. Not realizing that I am actually telling myself I am the thoughts, when it is as clear as day that I am the flesh here breathing and the thoughts is/are that which I accept and allow and decide what to do with, and thus within validating the thoughts I create my of fear all the time and thus manifest that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into fear due to the thoughts that I gave power due to certain memories and experiences of the past to give it power over the present here and to live in a constant state of stress/fear/anxiety of this fear of not being socially being accepted, not realizing that all it takes is to stop one thought in one breathe and I can set myself free in the moment and not go into a false pretentious illusion character that is a lie to myself and the physical and only keeping the lie as LIEf currently exist aLIEve.

Social Survival Character to be continued.

Day 106 – Survival Characters Part 1, Social Survivor.

How did this survival character come into my life, what was it that made me realize in that one moment that O Fuck I have to survive or I will be fucked, what type of survival was this?

I can see that type of survival that this character comes from, it is the social survivor, I have to be socially accepted otherwise I will be fucked by everyone if they do not accept me, I will have no friends, I will be bullied and I will be abused and be the weakest link so to say, and as I have observed within my live what happens to the weakest links is they become punching bags for those that are the strong. 

I am looking back at Memory, as I see and realize that this character is based on fear and the fear must come from somewhere, where I made a connection in my life, thus a memory/experience in the past, It could also come from unconscious/sub conscious influences such as the environment, Parents speaking and the way they moved and acted/behaved that had the imprints, but I am looking for a memory where I clearly made the decision within myself, I have to survive.

My Memory.

I am seven years old, I invited a couple of friends (male friends) to come to my house to play some cricket. 

One of the male friends brought his sister along as he could not leave her alone at home; she was a year younger than us.

One of my siblings who was two years older than me wanted to play with, so we told him he can join in, everyone went to the field and started playing cricket, I stayed behind with the sister to keep her company, we played with teddies and had laughs and fun, I kept on looking out the window at my friends playing cricket, I kept on thinking I should probably join them, but I actually hated cricket and preferred playing with females, they were much more better company. 

I always enjoyed being friends more with girls than with guys, I just never told anyone, so After the cricket all my friends came to the house and asked me why did I not play with them? I was the one that invited them? I then did not know how to reply, they all looked disappointed and like I did something wrong.

brother then afterwards told me that what I did wasn’t right, If I invite friends I must play with them or I will lose my friends.

I then felt a bit bad for what I did, although i did enjoy playing with the girl with teddies, and cricket wasn’t my thing, I felt in that moment that I was now going to be forced to play with the “guys| and what they like, just to have friends and not be an outcast. 

I also then had a fear of losing my friends because without them I will be along at school.

The next Monday at school I got a bit teased for what I did and that I played with the girl instead of the boys and the cricket, I felt less than the other guys and as if I now was identified as a female, as weak and stupid and ugly and gooey, you know how kids are at young ages towards the opposite sex. 

So I definitely did not want to be a girl, I wanted to be a boy, so now I felt like I had to start acting and behaving more like a boy. This happens though observing other boys and their actions and how they are doing it to be accepted. 

This process took me a long time, it did not happen straight ahead in the same year, I had to switch schools the next year for grade two and there was new kids/boys and girls and I had to go through the whole process again of not interacting with the girls and rather with the guys.

I remember in grade two (age eight) I would stand on the side of the fields observing the guys/boys playing rugby and cricket and how they were being guys.

They all went through the same process as me, just sooner as their fathers was really into creating them a certain way, my father was mostly working and he left us to decide things for ourselves in a way.

So as I would stand on the sides and watch them, I was tempted to just go and hang out with the girls, it is so much easier to hang out with girls, you do not have to pretend that much and you do not have to have this male ego the whole time of I am tough and I am cool by being stupid.

But I did not, I had to hang out there, I did not want to be seen as a girly man, I did not want to be seen as weak and a wussy, because that is what I saw happened to other kids my age and younger, and they did not have the physical potential to present themselves differently and thus was immediately forced into a certain category because of that, I was like them but I had a more stable equal physical design at that age to the other guys, so I could still pretend and put masks on to be ‘like” them to not get teased and shunned out and be abused. 

I remember that I was stuck between worlds, I fitted in perfectly with the girls and with the so called losers, I did not fit in with the cool kids – (aged between 7-9) but yet I saw that if I do not fit in with the cool kids now I will suffer like the so called “losers”. This was my fear, not to be the loser, but to be abused emotionally/physically/mentally as I saw it happen. 

I walked in the school ground for years between groups, between the girls the losers and the cool guys and the nerds, I started creating so many characters because I could not make up my mind on which main character I was going to play (choosing a group – the loser one or the cool one because I kew one thing, as soon as I choose only one, the other one that I did not choose will hate me, be against me and I did not want that, so many time I just wished everyone got along with each other because it is/was SOO fucking possible and nothing really stopped it but Mind ideas/beliefs/opinions/judgments which is never real.

Evereytime I was seen with a “loser” I was called names and the kids that was with me was teased and called names and they were broken down, I remember I had a kind of a safety card of not being called that many names or being abuse physical because I also hanged out with the cool kids.

My personality was that of a poor person, of a loser of someone that does not fit in, but my “looks” physically and my hair and eyes etc was that of a cool kid, so I could easily blend and mix and use both. Girls like me because I was already easy around them – because I mostly grew up with my mother being around.

SO I continued to have this secret life in school, for half the day I hang out secretly with the cool kids, with a whole character that I designed with them to be accepted by them and to be awesome and so forth, and then the other half of the day I was hanging out with the losers – also the poorer kids with shitty cloths and smells a bit bad and that just physically also looked different with a character that would fit in completely with them. 

 

There was also the in-between groups that I hanged out with, the nerds, the silent kids, the other cool group just different interest, and then there was all the different girl groups, and I had to make up so many characters for all of them and in the end I created the Gian personality that I became known for in my school(s) and how I got known by everyone. 

Why did I do this is the other question – I had one fear, fear of not being accepted, this led to all groups and all the people, I seeked to be accepted and approved by all groups and types of people.

A major fear of rejection and what it implied – the system rejecting you, as if life was rejecting me.

The social survivor to be continued...