Day 559 - Dealing with a lot of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with a lot of information and to keep my head together within looking at a lot of information and to consider all the points within looking at a lot of information and to not go into an emotional overload when and as I perceive information to be too much for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional “overload” within me as a feeling of I just can’t, it is too much for me to take in and to remember, to consider all the points and to remain in common sense and looking at things within practicality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within me when and as I am reading a lot of information within the emotional feeling of this is too much for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “this is too much for me” to exist within and as me as a self-limiting definition that I have placed upon myself through past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as separate from ALL information that exist here within and as all life and that thus Life is too much for me to take in and to understand what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that I am here as LIFE and thus all information that exist here Is me in fact and that I am not separate from it, and thus when I am introduced to new words and to new amounts of information that I am not simply forcing information into me as something that is separate from me that now takes a lot of space within me, but that I am simply re-activating what exist within and as me HERE already and thus I do not need to use memory as me more lies, but that I can in trusting myself be here and as myself be the information one and equal.

Memory
Being introduced to contracts for the first time in my life.

I was 18 years old, and I just got my first job, for this job I had to sign a contract, which meant me taking a contract home and reading everything and then eventually go back to work with this contract and then agree to it and sign it. but as I was sitting at home with this contract, knowing I have to first of all give up my “relaxing time” to go through it, which was quite a lot of pages, I resisted reading it, but I picked it up and I looked at the front [age and with reading everything on the front page I already had no clue what was being stated, I then went into the believe that if I read the second page it might make more sense, but it turned out to just confuse me even more, first of all I had no clue what the words meant, and secondly I could not place the words next to each other to attempt to see if that will explain the words and tell me something. But It didn’t. so I put the contact down and I just felt completely lost, only reading two pages. After a while I built up some courage to give it another try, and I started reading everything no matter how much I didn’t get or understood, and after I was done I had a head ache, my head felt violated, and I still had no clue, I could only assume things all the way.

I ended up not taking the job and just went to be a waiter, as that didn’t require for me to understand anything or to consider anything while I work. I defined myself as simple and more of a “practical” guy that works with my hands. This then became a life time of living in limitations, as I feared that same moment taking place and facing so much information and not being able to comprehend it and thus act on it accordingly, and thus fearing making mistakes and creating consequences that I have no idea how to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past events.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take one moment in time, from the past and how I experienced myself in that moment facing having to deal with a lot of information that was also unfamiliar to me in that moment and to place it onto all possible future events/play out and to live my life in such a way where I make decision where I can avoid having to face such events again just not to have to experience myself the same way I did in the past, and thus never giving myself the chance to grow and expand and to give my live more possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and make decision within my life where everything I do such as positions I take within my life requires the bare minimal from me where I simply have to use my body as a tool for labor and where reading and dealing with information is minimal, and thus never really taking responsibility for myself or this reality as I am and will always miss the necessary information through my deliberate character that I have created for myself and have identified myself with others to be of “lack” and not “able” to as a form of manipulation to not have to really give myself the ABILITY to respond in regards to what is here within this world as me and to change myself and the world one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place “information” out there as my authority, may it be a person speaking the information or books containing the information and thus within this make and give Authority to those books and People over me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the continuous resistance to exist within me throughout many years to a point where it has become normal and just an automatic behavior within me as who I am to live in avoidance naturally towards having to face information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the believe of “information” being more than me to become natural and normal within me to never challenge this point and to push beyond this point for me, for myself and to bring actual ral change to myself within this world.