Day 637 – 32 words, ANNOYED word 2 - (for Parents)

I am annoyed right now, it is this feeling of just wanting to STOP whatever is annoying me.

The situation right now is, I want to write a blog, it is me in my room with my partner and my 4,5-year-old son. My partner and I are sitting at our computers busy with work, my son is sitting on a cupboard with his rat in a blanket, he is wrapped in the blanket and the rat is running around him on the cupboard, now my son has something he is doing with this blanket around him, how he is wrapping himself in this blanket, he is playing a game. Now, as I am sitting here wanting to write a blog and my wife is sitting at her computer, my son is CONSTANTLY calling out to us to look, I am not exaggerating here, every 5 seconds he says my partners name to look at him so he can show her what he is doing, it is as if his doing is his showing at the same time, Now I have to hear this as well while focussing on my writing, but I just can’t, it is CREEPING into me, this consistent Leila, Leila, Leila, Leila, and my partner does not direct every call, she is also focussed, so he does this till he gets attention, So, now I am also getting annoyed at my partner for not directing it immediately, I do not want to say a thing, because I know I am in reaction, I know my son is calling my partner, so me saying anything would be strange and obvious for what it is, a reaction from me, and I hold myself back when I know I will speak from reaction (sometimes I let one or two slip, this is when I have accepted and allowed the annoyance to become reasonable and motivated by anger to control(to control to hid what??) Then even if you give him attention, then it just continues to the next thing.

While I am now sitting at my computer ready to write my blog, this feeling of annoyance just gets bigger, I breathe and I focus, I breathe and I focus, but it continues, and then this feeling comes up of just wanting to say “””CESAR, ENOUGH!! Please focus on your game for a bit, at least longer than 5 seconds before asking us to look, us looking at you constantly isn’t fun and not part of playing, what is the POINT of us looking at everything you do all the time, you must enjoy your play, us looking does not change anything”””<--al of that is mind reasoning/justification, thus invalid) – I want to STOP this, I want to end it, I want to get rid of it, because I want to get rid of the experience within me, how I experience myself, I HATE the experience within me, it is like something is scratching within me, and I don’t know how to get it out, I don’t know what is it that is scratching within me – all I know is this experience of annoyance.

So, now it is time to scratch this open myself, time to slow down and go within, and see within what is here. I am literally doing this live so to say, as it happens right now. Thanks to my wife that is now granting me the time to have the time to do this as she is now with our son, talking about why the rat does not have babies, and that there is a man rat needed and so on.

Not having things as I WANT it to be – so how do I want to have things? I am asking this question because it is in direct conflict with my reality and within myself and what I have to work with, which means, I am looking for the RIGHT circumstances for me to not have to face or deal with me and what is hidden behind the annoyance, my past, were I can just relax and believe that nothing is wrong, there is nothing within me to deal with. These circumstances would mean I have to live completely alone, away from other people, away from people and animals and any responsibilities that is more than me, this means I would have to literally just have me and my life, and care about what I do next, where I go next and nothing else must exist within my reality that might ever come into my space. This will be the best setup for my MIND to have, to never deal with my annoyance, where annoyance is obviously just the cover-up for something else within me, annoyance is like the bodyguards defending what is behind the annoyance.

I see that I needed some extra information on this word to really go deeper, as I need more words to give me a key to go through the door, and I have found this just now on Google, which makes a ton of sense and really opens up another door for me into understanding annoyance, this scratching within me.

Definition - Middle English (in the sense ‘be hateful to’): from Old French anoier (verb), anoi (noun), based on Latin in odio in the phrase mihi in odio est ‘it is hateful to me’

Now, since I got that definition and also more of the root of the word, I immediately connected to the “it is hateful to me” here I interpreted it in the way that I am annoyed at things that I BELIEVE are hateful TOWARDS me, so I have this defence mechanism within me where anything in my reality that I perceive as being hateful towards me, which is like being deliberate towards me, to harm me, to teas me, to take advantage of me – I go into annoyance to charge myself up, to then generate this energy within me to build up a defence force to defend me against what  am currently perceiving as being an attack on me deliberately, to spite me, to cripple me.

Let me now show what I see with the event that took place and how this new perspective on the word opened up quite a nice and clear understanding for me to NEXT time when I get annoyed to stop myself, to then remind myself to LOOK for where am I perceiving and accessing a BELIEF that whatever is happening is deliberate, an attack on me in a spiteful way to kind of diminish me and make me react, when in fact it isn’t, it is me accessing past memories, as past experiences where I had situations that carried similar setups and are now projecting it onto my reality in the current moment so I can relax, breathe and realize that NO ONE is deliberately attacking me to be spiteful or nasty or doing something to me to harm me and being hateful towards me in an indirect way.

So, before the annoyance started with my son saying Leila, Leila, Leila the whole time to get her attention, we told him that we need some time now to get to some of our things, so he understood that and that we will not be able to sit with him and play with him, as we will need to be busy to get certain things done. So, now after communicating this to our son, he gets on with playing on his own, but he starts calling out my partners name the whole time to now LOOK at how he is paying and what he is doing, which is still now taking our time and not granting us the moment to get to our things. This is where I then Take it as a deliberate attack on me/us, I perceive it as my son now taking advantage of the fact that he can simply call our names and get our attention anyway through us looking, but not having to actually play with him, and this is what then scratches within me, that he is playing us, taking advantage and being deliberate in sort of “outsmarting us, like he is saying, hahaha, you don’t want to play with me, sit with me, then I will still take your time but in a different “annoying” way. Maybe then you will give in and anyway come play with me and stop what you are doing.

What happened is (occording to my perception still) – we communicated with him that we will not be able to play with him, by being with him, and will be busy on our PC’s – we did not say anything about - we will also not be able to give you attention though looking at everything you do as we will be focussed on writing and checking assignments and so on, so even if you call our names out for an hour, we will not be able to look as we will be focussed, unless it is an emergency or something urgent, then we will.

So, the annoyance is with ME 100%, as I did not communicate effectively with my son, I did not take the time to lay it out for him (as he does understand what we are saying) I wasn’t specific, and neither did I actually communicate with my partner about what she meant with needing time, with what she is okay with, so my son did Call out for my partner, as she only said to him, not playing with him, but she didn’t say anything about speaking, so he spoke to her, I, on the other hand, assumed that all of it meant, he must be quiet as well to a certain extent to let us focus (not like totally quiet, he can scream and so forth – I am referring to him wanting our specific focus the whole time) here I see that I am also not on the same page with my partner with what is she okay with when she needs to focus, as we both have different levels of focus, I need some serious quiet time, and she does not so much (I assume again lol).

Solution – when and as I am experiencing Annoyance, I remind myself of the new deeper definition of the word I have discovered of – it is hateful to me” where I have changed it to ‘ it is hateful towards me” as I then can access where am I accessing the belief/perception/assumption and experience of what is happening to me currently is hateful towards me from the other individual or the situation/circumstances” to then check where in my reality have I not communicated and aligned myself with my reality within the specific point I am finding myself experiencing “annoyance” within – to then sort out the assumptions I am functioning within myself and my reality, to then according to the feedback I get realign my communications/movement to be more specific and in detail to be that which is in consideration of all involved.

It is like when I was about eleven years old, and my older cousins pinned me down and tickled me, I assumed they would stop after I ask, but they didn’t, they contused till I could not breathe, till I peed my pants, this created an experience of someone being hatful towards me, deliberate harm that did not start out as harm, so now whenever something takes place where I am being tickled, I get annoyed to be able to get angry, build up that energy to be able to then take on control mode, to take on a stance of fury and to destroy this thing I interpret as some hidden deliberate harm.

Day 307 – Not Being heard, Aggression and annoyance Part 2

Day 306 – Not Being heard, Aggression and annoyance Part1

I commit myself to when and as I react to others not hearing me to stop and to breathe and to wait a while till I see the person is focused more and here and then speak again.

I commit myself to when and as I get aggressive and loud within my communication towards others to be heard, to stop and to breathe within the realization that it is Not best for all life as i am starting to now treat others as I would Like to NOT be treated.

I commit myself to when and as I see that there is aggression coming up from within me to know myself in that moment and that I cannot trust myself to speak or act, thus I see and realize that I must commit myself to take a deep breath and to let go of the aggression and only speak once the aggression is stopped.

I commit myself to when and as I see back chat or thoughts coming up where I project what I am experiencing as aggression or annoyance from within me onto the other person to within the obvious common sense that it is within me to stop and to breathe and to take self responsibility for how I am experiencing myself and to check why and how I am creating these experiences and to change.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am making the other person the problem to stop and to breathe and and to make sure I am breathing and not giving attention to the experience within me.

I commit myself to when and as I experience anything in me that I am projecting towards another to make breathing my first priority within and as such a scenario.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am in fear of who I am becoming when and as I am possessed by aggression and annoyance that I have already attached to another being as being the cause which is a dangerous scenario to sit down or to walk away or to direct my focus on touching something or anything physical while breathing to direct myself back to the physical out of the energy experience till I am stable and can walk to the other person and talk to them in clarity and have taken full self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am a danger to others to take self responsibility through removing myself temporarily from the scenario if possible and to stabilize myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see a scenario that will and possibly can occur when I know I have to speak or ask questions to already place a foundation of prevention for myself where I give myself the breath that I may not be heard and that I will have to repeat myself and that I must be OKAY with it and not take it personal and simply do those actions over and over without any reactions or energy till I am heard and it is done.

Day 306 – Not being heard aggressive and annoyed. Part 1

Day 306 – Not being heard aggressive and annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I find that others are not hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when someone else are not hearing me that I must react and become loud and aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aggressive when and as someone isn’t hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when and as someone isn’t hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stop breathing and to go into the mind where I hear myself and then to within that get aggressive and annoyed with the other person not hearing me as I see that in my head I sound clear and loud enough and thus the other person must be the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the other person the problem for what I am experiencing within me as aggression and annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am getting aggressive with myself for not being patient and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I get annoyed with myself fro getting angry instead of breathing and being patient and to wait till the person is here and I am here and we can talk clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Get annoyed when and as I have to repeat myself three or more times with what I had to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must be able to say something ten to a billion times without reacting or experiencing anything within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear who I become when and as I am aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own behavior when and as I get aggressive and annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I can or might do when and as I am getting annoyed and the annoyance turns into aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear myself, seeing and realizing that I know myself and thus it is myself responsibility to direct myself in ways that is that of prevention and not avoidance but prevention as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me if I lose my cool and show my aggression and annoyed side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting fear in others when and as my aggression shows or comes out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I can do to myself, as I have never gone there fully but see that the energy behind it is strong and my body hardens up and I become really intense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget breathing when and as I see a situation coming up where I might have agr4ession or become annoyed and to prevent that from coming here through seeing the prediction and breathing and stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold it against the other person when and as I experience aggression and annoyance within me, seeing and realizing that is manipulation and me not taking self responsibility for myself but instead trying to have power over another so that they must change for me instead of me changing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate others through becoming aggressive and annoyed to induce fear with intensity and so NOT having to take self responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the consequences of what I am doing when and as I become aggressive and annoyed and to act on that, that i am creating fearful people around me. And fearful people usually will and want to get rid of the fear and thus I am opening myself for harm or whatever consequences, equal and one to what I am accepting and allowing within me.

To be Continued on Self commitments.