Day 94 – The Fearful Character sits and waits P4

I commit myself to when and as I see a situation.scenario play out in front of me and/or somewhere else in the world, to take action in the moment to move and direct myself and to not give in to the thoughts of what I could be doing instead of take responsibility for the world and myself such as me instead watching TV or going out to the movies, or partying with friends or playing a PC game, and to not fall for my OWN trap within my back chat that of “ I do not need to do this, there are other people taking care of earth and me” or “I don't have to do anything, it is my choice” and to realize that this is the mind attempting to keep me enslaved and to not stand up, and to keep the fear/anxiety alive, just so that the mind can feel it is save and in control and okay, while the physical reality is clearly showing me that there is problems and needs attendance instantly and thus realizing that any form of postponement will only accumulate the problems/consequences that I will face equally with all life here on earth, and thus my fear/anxiety will in the end not at all be of any excuse in the face of life as I will be AWARE of every-time I deliberately made the decisions to rather go watch movies or party or TV and to not take self responsibility using fear/anxiety as an excuse and that I do not know how to do anything any ways – and thus realizing that I could/can use all the time I spend doing something else instead of taking responsibility to find out HOW in FACT I can change the world through starting with myself and investigating how the world and everything works so that I can change it as myself. 

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself participating within back-chat of “ this is to much” I can not do this – to stop and realize that I am only talking to myself that way because of thoughts that I have of what else I could still be doing – such as seeing myself having a fun time laughing instead” or “playing video games all day long and not having a care in the world” – and to realize that it is in fact not to much, it is only through the mind participating in thoughts that is not HERE in the present moment and within back-chat that is internal Conversations CONning me with temptation and cunning words of deceptive reason and Justifications that is purely based on an energy feeling/emotion experience of the mind all based on SELF interest and NOT what is best for all LIFE and thus it is not real but an illusion that I desire to rather have, to not have to face the physical reality that is here in the present as the future I decide I create that includes all life all ways– realizing that the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat is but all pre-programmed in me of the past as experiences/memories and thus it is not real but the past, it is over, and if I want to relive the past over and over through not taking self responsibility for the future to come I will face great consequences that I created for myself, it is like driving for a cliff and you can see it but you enjoy driving fast to much to slow down And stop. Its all an energetic drive/experience and not what is real as LIFE as that which is currently being destroyed/mutilated/neglected/fucked up for consumerism and making money and thus I realize that it is this act of not taking self responsibility for myself but rather stay in fear/anxiety that all humans do with their own justifications and reasons that fucking up LIFE and thus I have to start with myself as I realize everyone has to start with themselves if we want to see any change before it is to late.

Day 89 – Anger and Me – Fairness Game part 2.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek fairness within what I do and what is done towards me, instead of realizing that Who I am determines what I do, thus seeking fairness is showing me that I am an unfair person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I seek fairness within what I do or what is done towards me I will always end up angry at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a scenario within my day/life through always seeking fairness, that it is set up in such a way that there will always be unfairness and thus me being angry.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the fairness I seek and judge within my life is only based on MY Idea of fairness and not actual fairness in fact, as fairness can only exist once all has it equally on earth, until then fairness is to take self responsibility for those that can not because I have the opportunity and the ability, and thus it is only fair that I do what can be done till equality for all life exist in all ways, it simply is fair.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I see something as unfair and react and have a energy movement within me towards the “unfairness” based on my idea of fairness, that it will only be fair that I face the point of unfairness till I can stand in and as the physical one and equal as the creator with no limitation and enslavement of any energy/mind possession such as fairness and to simple be a living being as who I am as life one and equal as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that fairness is what I create within my mind as Ideas/beliefs/opinions towards things in my life, and that this is not based on the actual physical reality of how things work, and so I react and get angry when I feel reality isnt matching up with my mind as a alternate reality not one and equal as the physical. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I experience something not being fair and getting angry, that I am actually only reacting toward my own mind as I have already planned my future in my mind according to my “like” and “dislikes” and when the physical reality isnt moving according to my mind I experience unfairness – which isnt real but only me experiencing my own fuck up of participating in the mind instead of the actual world as the physical one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a “save” folder within my mind of all the things I have done during my day and to store all the things I have done during the day within this folder, and so when I see my folder looks full I cna say I did a lot, and as soon as I judge I already did a lot according to my save folder anything else that is asked of me seems unfair toward me, realizing that only I am aware of this unfairness as only I created it within my mind – thus it is proof that it isnt real, if the unfairness was real then everyone would have known it to be so without me having to convince anyone, as we all can see – what starving children is going through and people in poverty and all of NATURE – that is fucking unfair and they do not have to convince anyone, it is in our faces.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a folder within my mind of the future – where I look at what I have to do in the future such as in an hour, in a day or a week, and to then save and store all I still have to do within this folder and then judge it as being full, and that what I still have to do seems so unfair that I have to do all these things, and so when someone asks me something more to do, I react, I get angry, because I have already in my mind (not real) filled myself up with stuff to do making it seem a lot, not living in each breathe!! And to overwhelm myself with things that isnt here yet and then blame and feel like everything is unfair as soon as I am asked to do more. Realizing it isnt real, it is all compounded in my mind into one folder, yet when the time comes I will see I have more than enough time as in the physical things move a lot slower than in the mind and thus more time, yet it is to move as breathe and not time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past and the future in a constant comparison of each other to see when things isnt fair, realizing that within this I am constantly making thing unfair for myself as I place the past and the future in the present and giving it power over what is here and actually possible for me to do and how to apply myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep and eye on people in my environment, to see what they are doing... and through this compare what they are doing with what I am doing, and within this I will deliberately make myself try and look better just not to be the unfair point, thus obviously making them the unfair point, and so live in a constant reaction towards all the people in my environment as a judgement of unfairness – not realizing that I made it all unfair though my deliberate actions to just not be the unfair point but not reacting towards everyone else as being the unfair point. 

To be continued.

Day 36 - The hesitation invasion

Today I was working with the wood cutting table/machine, it has a sharp round blade that spins extremely fast, then it has a small flat surface around where you lay the wood on, you have to then take the wood you want to cut and push it through and the blade cuts it.

As I was working with the table, which I have used many times before, so I was confident, I started looking at my actions while I was using the table, I saw that every time I am done cutting a piece of wood I swing my arm over and near the blade to chuck the wood on the other side, I then suddenly realized I can cut my finger/hand/arm off anytime I am not aware of what I am doing or if I simply just the one time do not lift my arm high enough over the table.

So  I saw the point of that my hand/arm can get cut through the way I was working as a practical observation and instead of simply correcting myself I went into thoughts and I had fear. The fear wasn't there when I made the observation, it only came once the mind as thoughts kicked in. (allowing it)

As I continued cutting I now had fear within me and thoughts, the thoughts was based on projections of what could happen, how can it happen, and through having these thoughts I started getting uncomfortable with my body and how I am positioned, how I am using it and so the compromising started.

As I was compromised within the fear I started hesitating in ever cut I made in the wood, what happened next was the wood started getting stuck in the machine and kicking back at me and shooting pieces of wood at my face.

This I where I stood still and  realized I have now created something happening, such as me hurting myself.

I stopped and I breathed and this is when the word came to me "hesitation" as I realized the word I started looking at myself and where I hesitate, as the hesitation was allowing and accepting the fear and  everything else that came with it.

I was successful in stopping the hesitation and the fear through breathing and applying myself in the moments as I was doing it in my actions, this was great, I started working in consideration of myself and my actions and so released my actions of the fear and hesitation, I became better in cutting the wood than I ever was, I was cutting wood twice as fast and as I wanted it, because I have practically changed the point within me and without, thus as I was able to stop the fear I was able to stop the hesitation and so I was able to see practically what to do and apply.

I finished all the firewood cuttings before work time was done and I bagged it all and carried it to the house. As before I would have probably taken another hour more.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts when and as I observe a practical point of consideration, instead of breathing and simply correcting myself, realizing that through going into thoughts and thinking about the point and imagining what could happen and how that I am creating fear.

I forgive myself that have not realized that when I go into thoughts and thinking and imagining things I am actually creating the fear within myself, realizing that it is not necessary as I can simply through the physical observation see what I practically have to apply and change with out using the mind or any fear to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to make myself fearful of something through participating in the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagination to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself through participating in the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagining about events/scenarios that can play out with in the event of observing a specific point that holds potential abuse/danger/destruction to myself or others, instead of realizing that imagining or thinking or going into thoughts isn't necessary as I have already physically observed it with in common sense and thus through that understanding I can change and re direct what I am doing to be save and in consideration of myself and what I am doing in awareness.

Hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I participate with in thought/thinking and the imagination of future events/scenarios that can play out and I accept and allow fear to be created within in my participation that I am in fact creating hesitation with in me and as my actions within the fear of the thoughts or imagined events playing out, realizing that through the hesitation I become clumsy and do not stay focused as I am possessed by fear/thoughts/thinking/imagination and so I give permission for the events to happen take place and manifest as real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and remain here in and as the physical with in awareness when I observe a certain play out or event or scenario that could happen through my UN-aware actions and to simply stop and change to that which is practical with in common sense and best for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in my actions through what I have created with in and as participating in my mind as thoughts/thinking/imagination and thus fear, realizing that I gave away my trust to the mind as saying that the mind is real and right and that it will probably happen and so hesitate in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to stop and change in a single moment and that I require to create scenarios/events within myself to create fear and to only change once I have fear, realizing that through creating the fear my actions are poisoned an thus it will infect what I do and open up opportunities for the fear to manifest as I hesitate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal as the minds creator to give myself the authority to stop the mind as the creator in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from the mid, realizing that I am the creator and thus I must take self responsibility one and equal as the creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that happens in the mind is happening to me, realizing that I as the creator is accepting and allowing it to be so, as it is my mind in my head who I am.

I commit myself to when I see I go into the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagining future events/scenarios to stop and breathe and realize that it isn't necessary as I can simply look at the physical and consider all points as myself and to accordingly with in common sense change and apply what is practical and best for all life.

I commit myself to stop when I see I am giving my trust away to fear and to bring myself back here through breathing and seeing that it is not a point of fear but a fact, and so apply myself in practical ways within and as the physical to what works practically as that which is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to prove to myself that all fear as the ego as mind consciousness system is in fact not what is best for all life, through exposing how the mind imposes itself onto the physical and thus manifest the fears and internal realities that inst real as the physical functions and thus how we create the world and why we are in fact destroying earth and life.