What is it to be comfortable with myself? I have been
working on this point for years, and yet it is still within me, no matter how
small or how big the point is within me, it is still here.
Today I was in a new neighborhood; I faced two specific
points that showed me that the point was still within me of not being
completely comfortable with myself.
I was walking across a soccer field to go to the bathrooms
at one point, within this there were kids playing soccer and a couple of dozens
sitting on the side-line watching, but not really watching, as they were simply
talking among each other and playing.
As I was walking I had to cross the field with the kids
playing, and as I was crossing all the kids were watching me, the kids were
between the age of 10 to 13, so I am seen as the adult within their eyes being
there, yet within myself I do not feel like the adult, I feel just like one of
the kids.
So within me this created a conflict within me that started
making me feel uncomfortable within myself, and thus I started walking weird
and I I kept on looking downwards to the ground, also within this I noticed how
I suddenly became very self-aware of the cloths I am wearing and the way I am
walking and each part of my body became a point of self-awareness in this long walk,
it was like a 200m walk to the toilet.
I weren’t comfortable with myself feeling uncomfortable in a
sense of being self-aware in a states of self-judgement.
Another scenario was now at night, in a new town for the
first time with different people and areas and malls and so forth, within this
we went to get food me and two other people on a road trip, within this we were
standing outside of the restaurant waiting for our food to be prepared.
As we were standing outside by the tables, there were a group of men standing across from us on the other side of the road, they were
laughing and talking and they stood around their cars in the parking lot, they
looked our way a few times and as they looked they then started talking and
laughing.
Within this I assumed it was about us, so I looked at the
guys for a while and within this I saw them as being men, they have cars and
they have money and they look like MEN, this definition is a contaminated one
as it has nothing to do with being a man, where they were big, they had bellies
and big arms and they were tall, everything I am not, so I started feeling like
the kid.
This then became uncomfortable within myself, not the
scenario, because it is all about what went on within me, the judgements I made
and placed, and this all obviously comes from how I have defined myself and the
value I have placed within certain points.
Self-forgiveness in next blog, stay tuned.
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